Sanctuary for the Abused

Friday, April 29, 2016

How to Deal With an Overbearing Mother



Does your mother try to tell you how to live your life?
Or scrutinize every decision you make?

Steps:

1. Realize there are reasons why your mother is overbearing and that you won't ever be able to change her. The operative word is "deal."

2. Work on establishing boundaries immediately. Decide which aspects of your life you won't share with your mother, then remind her when she invades them. If boundaries will not work; go No Contact with her and get far far away.

3. Learn this phrase and repeat it often: "I love you, but I don't want to discuss that with you." Then change the subject when your mother begins to meddle.

4. If possible, consider writing your mother a letter, detailing how you'd like your relationship to evolve (and which aspects can go extinct like the dinosaurs).

5. Thank your mother for her suggestions on how to live your life, then move on to more stimulating conversation.

6. Strive to seek approval from yourself instead of from your mother. When you're self-confident, your mother's controlling tendencies won't get under your skin.

7. Opt for caller ID so you can be prepared for potentially overbearing conversations - or screen the call to measure the importance of her message.

8. Try to call her back within a day; controlling mothers are fueled by neglect, and you can avoid possible nagging with a prompt call back.

9. Appreciate the fact that someone cares so much about you that they need to call you before, during and after every small event in your life.

10. Refrain from any guilt your overbearing mother may try to trip you up with. No one should feel guilty for living their own life. 


Recommended Reading


Tips:

Ignore the gnawing suspicion that your mother is trying to live her life through you. Even if she is, the urge to control is her baggage to carry, not yours.

If your mother persists in knocking down your boundaries, consider seeking therapy. You may need to go No Contact immediately if your mother is a narcissistic-type; because they can not change.

See Also ACON, ADULT CHILDREN OF NARCISSISTS

FACEBOOK GROUP FOR DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS

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shared by Barbara at 12:02 AM


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9 Comments:

Appreciate the fact that someone cares so much about you that they need to call you before, during and after every small event in your life.So Consider writing your mother a letter, detailing how you'd like your relationship to evolve (and which aspects can go extinct like the dinosaurs.

5:36 AM  

I wanted to share this with you. People have accused me of writing exaggerated stories about abuse and the response of the authorities. I disagree. i think I am too lenient. Here is why:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/11/domestic-violence-law-topeka-kansas_n_1006203.html

2:22 PM  

I once knew a woman whose mother was so intertwined in her life it ruined MY relationship with MY son. It wasn't the dil relationship but the MOTHER of the dil. She was THE BOSS. KNOWS EVERYTHING. HAD ALL THE POWER and was just plain mean, rude and did despicable things to my son, me, my family. Haven't spoken to them since 04. It works for me. The dil's mother can have it. In the few times I have seen this woman, she looks as if her evil has really caught up to her and is ruining her health. Karma.

10:04 AM  

This is the exact definition of my mother. I just don't know what to do... At times I am almost fearful that she will jump out of the closet like the boogie man. Since I was little I was mommy's favorite, because my brothers had much more courage than I did and because of this they did not obey her like I did. I just wanted her approval in all things, and never received it, typically it was the complete opposite. Now I am 24 years old, with two little girls of my own and a husband. We recently just got out of her house ( the biggest fight of my life) and she took it so hard she had threatened to kill herself because I took her grandchildren away.

I am at my breaking point with her, I do not know what else to do to show her I am an adult, you are no longer a child's mother, you are the mother of an adult, with her own life. She feels she has no life without her children and grandchildren, although she is in a relationship and has a great career! How can I help her to see I am not her baby anymore, so that I do not have to continue to live in "fear" of my mother.

( This is dawning on me now because my husband was offered a great job a few states away, but she will flip if I move that far away with her grandchildren, but I think its a great opportunity for my family.)
**Sigh**

11:12 PM  

To the above comment, I really think you and your husband shouldn't let your mother dictate your future. You have to do what's best for you.

I have a mother just like this too, she is the narcisstic type too. The end of the article said they "can't change", which is extremely frustrating. It seems to be very selfish behavior on her part, with no regard for others. It suggests going no-contact, which I am considering. Anyway, good luck.

2:31 PM  

Right now my children and I are living with my mother and her husband. I hate that I had to come here and have to deal with this pain all over again. She is mean to my youngest children and favors my oldest. They see this and I see the pain on their faces. I have been trying to stand my ground with her for years. I finally was able to break her chains for two years before having to return. Talking to her is out of the question. She hears nothing but her own thoughts. Trying to reason with her doesn't work either. I am at the end of my rope with her. I wish that she would understand. And I'm 35 years old. This pains me so much. I know she will never change. I've given up on that years ago.

6:24 PM  

I can relate. I'm currently living with my mother after 5 yrs of no contact with her. It honest to God was my last resort but I was literally living on the street after layoff, and a bunch of other crazy stuff so she was really my only option. Needless to say she never misses an opportunity to guilt trip me about it. I don't think she's as bad as before simply because she knows what will happen. But it's getting hard to stay here. She's very pessimistic and cynical. Lots of complaining and just little things that drive me nuts. She's constantly making plans for me without ever asking then when I question her about it she acts like I'm crazy for not wanting to do it. She's not abusive in the sense that she puts me down like others have said. She actually brags to all her friends about all the stuff I do for her (handyman stuff, yardwork, taking care of her) which sorta confuses me. But it's always "were doing this tomorrow" or "were going to church next week" or "what time do you want to go pick ____ up" never asks me, just assumes like I'm going to do it. Like I'm 8 yrs old. I don't know how much I can take.

10:20 PM  

I have these problems with my girlfriends mother she constantly abuses her swears alot of hurtful names at her suck as slut, whore, b****, ect and it seems to have an effect on my girlfriends self-esteem, and mindset I really hate how she treats her and one time when she was 13 she went to visit her family in Mexico and her cousin rapped her and her mom wouldn't listen now she's 17 and her mom would tease her about it when she's upset. I just hate the fact she basically well to me she uses her daughter for amusement and forces her to do everything for her and I've told her take it to the authorities but she just won't do it she loves her mother too much even through all the stuff she's put her through any thoughts of what we should do

6:25 PM  

I'm going through this with my girlfriends mom and she's like this only in their house, or in private it bugs me because I'm across the state and I've told her plenty of times to come live with me but she's scared to leave her little sister there with her mother with no one to protect her because her little sister has a disability and her mother has no patience at all !!! we have been together for 3years and her mother still refuses to meet me I've never talk to her mom only her dad because her dad is the kindhearted one so he usually doesn't say anything when his wife is like this because she'll go off on anyone who tries to talk to her when she's mad (which is 24/7 literally I am not over exaggerating) her mom could probably tame Satan she's sooo freaking abusive I've told my girlfriend to call authorities, or tell her therapist but she refuses to do either which I don't understand because her mother treats her like a stranger in the streets (literally) she's very very very abusive I'm always on the phone with her everyday all day because I'm in Nevada and she's California and I always hear her mom swearing at her calling her a slut, whore, b****, and ect and it hurts her she has depression problem and her mom only makes it won't because my girlfriend had trust issues so she doesn't like to talk about her feelings and stuff like that no matter how much I ask her she holds it all in I'm so confused I wanna help her but she refuses to leave her little sister and I don't blame her I don't want her to either knowing how her mom is please I need advise

9:08 PM  

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