Sanctuary for the Abused
Saturday, November 26, 2005
The Revenge Affair: Characteristics of the Adulterer
by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
"I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" is one of 6 kinds of affairs.
This is the "revenge affair." It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in an affair.
It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one's spouse. The offending spouse usually lacks the skills of personal confrontation or is frightened by the prospect of someone "getting upset."
When evaluating this kind of affair, make a distinction between revenge and rage. Revenge is not rage. Rage comes from a different source, as outlined in one of the other kinds of affairs.
Here are some characteristics of the person who uses infidelity as revenge:
1. Usually is rather unpredictable and erratic in his behavior.
2. Has a hard time making decisions.
3. Is often impatient and irritable when things don’t go her way.
4. Some of the resentment seems to “seep out” along the edges, maybe when you least expect it.
5. Engages in teasing.
6. Can be stubborn and unyielding.
7. May often take oppositional view and pride himself on being contrary or taking an unpopular stance.
8. Can have moments of impulsive behavior and be labeled high-strung or tightly wired.
9. Has an underlying worldview that is pessimistic. Glass is half empty.
10. Has a tendency to whine or complain. ("poor me")
11. May have moments of sullenness and dejection.
12. Women may respond very intensely during their menstrual cycle. Men may also appear very moody at certain times of the month.
13. Manipulates others with unpredictability and demandingness.
14. Family of origin often marked by factions and sibling rivalry.
15. Has difficulty with intimacy since her behavior patterns push people away.