Sanctuary for the Abused

Tuesday, December 12, 2006



Are You Abused? Or a Victim of Domestic Violence?

The Extensive Domestic Violence Checklist Revised Aug. 1999 This list identifies a series of behaviors typically demonstrated by batterers and abusive people. All of these forms of abuse come from the batterer's desire for power and control.

The list can help you recognize if you or someone you know is in a violent relationship. Check off those behaviors that apply to the relationship.

The more checks on the page, the more dangerous the situation may be.


1. Blames me for everything that goes wrong in our relationship, blames me for his mistakes most of which are the most preposterous things.

2. Threatens to kill me or have others kill me.

3. Threatens to leave me all the time

4. Has threatened to commit suicide.

5. Threatens to report me to welfare authorities.

6. Is using my immigration status against me and I fear deportation.

7. Makes me afraid by looks, actions or gestures.

8. Displays weapon, shows weapons to make me afraid.

9. Limits my freedom, tells me what to do, where to go, and when to come back.

10. Makes all the decisions.

11. Won't let you have friends, or judges your friends and family harshly, says bad things about your friends or family to others.

12. Becomes angry for no apparent reason. I feel any action on my behalf can cause him to erupt.

13. Blames me when I am mistreated. Says, "I provoked it!"

14. Threatens to harm my children, family, or friends.

15. Takes my car keys or prevents me from using the car.

16. Insists I dress in a more sexual way than I want to or just the opposite, that I wear clothes that make me look ugly so no one will look at me.

17. He publicly shows interest in other women.

18. Insults my most valued beliefs, religion, race, heritage or ethical background.

19. Punishs or deprives the children when he is angry with me.

20. Tells me about his affairs in order to destroy my emotional well being.

21. Monitors my phone calls, or mail, or the odometer mileage.

22. Refuses to give me money or takes my money.

23. Interferes with my work or will not let me work.

24. Has exclusive control over our money and the household finances.

25. Uses pressure tactics to rush me into making decisions through guilt-tripping and other forms of intimidation.

26. Calls me a cunt, whore, slut, bitch or other sexual demeaning names.

27. He tells me that I am not worth having as a mate, yet will not consider breaking it off.

28. He has raped me.

29. Exposed me to venereal disease, STD's, or AIDS

30. Forced prostitution or strip dancing. Or uses prostitutes and strippers.

31. Forced me to look at pornography or be apart of it when I did not want to.

32. We have hurtful or uncomfortable sex.

33. He pressures me for sex.

34. He withholds sex as a measure to make me feel asexual, or tells me what a lousy lover I am.

35. He will not let me use contraception.

36. He cheats on me...(Cyber-sex on the computer counts!)

37. Our sex is humiliating/or at times sadistic that I am fearful.

38. When I ask him questions about things that are legitimately my business ...I get no answers or the run-around.

39. He demands that I obey him.

40. Becomes angry when I tell him, he is drinking or drugging to much.

41. Becomes upset if dinner, housework, or laundry was not done exactly the way he thinks it should be.

42. Overreacts to little things like the toilet paper is going the wrong way, and retaliates by doing or saying something hurtful to me.

43. Tells me I really cannot manage without him or take care of myself.

44. He acts like I am his personal servant.

45. Says bad things about me to friends, family or coworkers.

46. Twist my words around and will not let me explain the correct thing that I was I saying.

47. Tells me that all my problems are because I am worthless, and can't manage to do anything right.

48. Shows disrespect by interrupting and changing the topic.

49. Abuses authority by always claiming to be right.

50. Manipulates the children.

51. Shoved me

52. Pushed me.

53. Restrained me so I could not move.

54. Hit me.

55. Slap me around.

56. Bit me.

57. Choked me.

58. Kicked me.

59. Tripped me.

60. Pulled my hair.

61. Punched me with his fist.

62. Acted like a bully toward me.

63. Treated me like I was stupid.

64. Pinched me.

65. Squeezed me until there was pain.

66. Jerked me around.

67. Shook me.

68. Burned me.

69. Choked/or suffocated me.

70. Thrown objects or food at me.

71. Abused drugs or alcohol and pressures me to take them.

72. Abused the children.

73. Abused the pets.

74. Throws things at me.

75. Punches our walls.

76. There are qualities about myself that I like but he disapproves of or ridicules me.

77. Criticizes my body parts, for example, tell me I am ugly, or fat, or unattractive.

78. Calls me names, swears or makes humiliating gestures.

79. Makes me feel guilty.

80. He makes me think I am going crazy at times.

81. Plays mind games with my head.

82. Humiliates or makes fun of me in front of other people.

83. Says that I belong to him, that he can't live without me, no one else can ever have me.

84. Ignores me, withholds approval.

85. Lies, withholds information form me.

86. Breaks promises, does not follow through on agreements.

87. Completely isolates himself from me.

88. Keeps me away from my family or friends or he must come with me all the time.

89. He thinks I am with another man if I am not at home or when he calls.

90. Checked up on me.

91. I was not allowed to make family decisions or settle conflicts by talking things out.

92. He sulked a lot.

93. Does not take fair share of responsibilities.

94. Said the abuse did not happen, denies it.

95. Demanded I stay home/or won't let me go back to school, work and, etc.,

96. Became angry if I disagree with his point of view.

97. Beaten me so badly that I needed medical help.

98. Screamed and yelled at me.

99. Made me feel guilty about the children.

100. I always had to yield to my partners needs.

101. My family and friends are concerned about my safety.

102. Cut or stabbed me.

103. Broke my teeth.

104. Abused my stomach when pregnant.

105. Used weapons on me.

106. Hit me with an object.

107. Ripped my clothes off.

108. Abandoned me in dangerous places.

109. Used the children to relay his messages.

110. Threatened to take the children away.

111. He defined the roles of men and women, what they do within a relationship.

112. He thought he was master of the castle and that he could do anything he wants.

113. Did not let me know our income, properties we own, or money problems.

114. Has mood swing behavior patterns, one minute my mate is sweet and caring then will do a complete about face and be angry about things that were totally O.K. before. Switches back and forth between behavior for no apparent reasons.

115. Makes me think I am responsible for making this relationship work.

116. I fear he will track me down and kill me if I leave.

117. He has threatened to put me in a mental hospital, or insists that I am unstable or crazy.

118. Stands in the doorway during an argument as if to say you are staying her and not leaving.

119. He buys things in my name and not his.

120. He digs in my purse, my computer and in my private things.

121. His acts of irresponsibility threaten my credit.

122. He explains his abusive actions by blaming his violence or his temper because of his stress at work, or external factors.

This list may be used for public distribution..in order to help those in need. Check the Is He Lethal? Checklist if you have many checks to assess your safety. This Checklist was based on the fact that 97% of all Domestic Abuse Cases are Women.

Copyright By Di Murowski. Aug. 1999
shared by Barbara at 4:56 AM


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