Sanctuary for the Abused
Saturday, December 16, 2006
How can you tell if they are lying?
CyberDater's Three Top Questions Answered Now!
Did you know that Online Dating is the top moneymaker on the Web? Chances are good that you have joined a site or two yourself. If so, you've probably asked the top three questions my CyberRomance clients all do:
"Why don't they answer my emails?"
"How do I tell them about ___?" - you fill in the blank.
"How can you tell if they are lying?"
"Why don't they answer my emails?" You'll never know, but rudeness is a pretty good guess. Say "Thank you" to cyberspace for weeding out inconsiderate candidates so quickly!
"How do I tell them about ___?" Jus everyone has something they are ashamed of others knowing and worried about how to break the news. This question takes time and finesse for the best solution -- and usually there IS a good solution! A Romance Coach could help if you are really stumped.
Much of the problem of Internet lying is media over hype. What kind of interest would there be in a story about all the honest people who are on the Net?
But of course some people do lie, and being concerned about who is and who isn't lying makes a heck of a lot of sense.
"How can you tell if they are lying?" Count the ways:
Reasons people lie:
To avoid conflict.
To avoid the consequences of their behavior.
To postpone having to make changes in lifestyle.
To hide something they did or did not do.
To avoid rejection.
To be in control of a situation.
To avoid being embarrassed.
To make themselves appear more successful, good, or talented than they really are.
All make terrific reasons for people to lie online.
How to detect lying:
A truthful person will be "congruent." That means that all the information they give out -- their words, body language, they way they live and dress, everything -- fits together and contains no contradictions. People who lie will be incongruent in some way.
Here's what to watch out for:
1. How they use words, written, on the phone, or in person:
Talking faster or slower.
Changes in voice pitch.
Taking charge of conversation, attempts to distract you.
Continual denying of accusations.
Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure.
Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like "um" or "you know."
Lack of use of contractions.
Prefers emphasizing "not" when talking.
Being extremely defensive.
Saying "Trust me."
2. How they behave or the attitudes they exhibit:
Providing more information and specifics than is necessary or was asked for.
Inconsistencies in what is being shared.
3. In-person behavior clues:
Touching chin, covering the mouth, or rubbing brows.
Crossed arms or legs.
Playing with hair.
Body language and facial expressions don't match what is being said such as saying "no", but nodding head up and down.
Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you or down, or turning away from you while they are talking.
Rigid or fidgeting.
Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements.
Lack of finger pointing.
May place a barrier such as a desk or chair in front of self.
Sweating, even if it isn't a warm day.
Saying "no" several times.
4. Your own inner cues:
You sense something is not right.
Explanations do not feel enough for you.
You feel confused, you find yourself squinting or angling your head.
You feel a block or a wall between you and the other.
In Internet dating, or any kind of dating for that matter, keep your anxiety down, your head attached, and LISTEN to everything your date tells you in every way. People tell you about themselves constantly, from the very first second of contact. You just have to be willing to hear it. Not only do they tell you by what they do say, they tell you by what they don't say.
Many of these cues can come from simple distraction or nervousness, not deceit. New daters have plenty of reasons to be anxious. Signs of lying differ from one person to another. Don't let your own nervousness force a jump to wrong conclusions. Give your date a break and take some time.
Often, Cyber daters move too quickly to the phone and/or a face to face meeting. Gone is the golden opportunity to safely ask questions and study answers slowly and over time. Moving to face-to-face or skin-to-skin vastly increases tension and anxiety, which complicate clear thinking and judgment.
With online dating, you have a tremendous advantage over meeting immediately flesh-to-flesh: You have a written record of what the other tells you. Make use of it!