Sanctuary for the Abused

Tuesday, February 20, 2007



"While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it." Samuel Johnson

OUR OBSESSIVE THINKING...
N = Narcissistic Abuser

"I decided to run a medline search and came up with the following. It seems the good news is that once we demystify the N situation (which can be accomplished by reading and learning as much as we can) that we then experience a lessening of the 'obsessive-thinking' problem. I hope this helps some of you because we all seem to go through and will help validate your own experiences. Also, you will note from the excerpts I have copied from the abstracts that attempting to 'not think about it' actually increases the problem.

Address for medline searches - I used the parameters of 'obsessive thinking'

"According to recent research, deliberate suppression of unwanted thoughts may result in a paradoxical increase in their frequency."
White bears and other elusive intrusions. Assessing the relevance of thought suppression for obsessional phenomena. Purdon, C. Clark, D.A. Behav Modif 2000 Jul;24(3):425-53
"Research has shown that attempts to suppress a thought can cause an increase in the frequency of the thought. These paradoxical effects of thought suppression play a key role in cognitive-behavioral models of several emotional disorders."
Paradoxical effects of thought suppression: a meta-analysis of controlled studies. Abramowitz JS, Tolin DF, Street GP. Clin Psychol Rev 2001 Jul;21(5):683-703
"It is proposed that obsessions are caused by catastrophic misinterpretations of the significance of one's thoughts (images, impulses). The obsessions persist as long as these misinterpretations continue and diminish when the misinterpretations are weakened."
A cognitive theory of obsessions. Rachman S. Behav Res Ther 1997 Sep;35(9):793-802
The White Bear reference seems to be the name of a psychological questionnaire used by psychiatrists to determine obsessive thinking levels. It does get better with time and with understanding the whole N problem and its significance and impact in our lives. So, the upshot of all this is to read and learn and try to cope with the problem and understand it fully.

(REPLY 1) I would guess it takes a lot of time for cognitive restructuring to take place, and the thinking and re-thinking helps with minimizing the misperceptions and aids in assimilation of "the new knowledge".

I really like the proposal: "It is proposed that obsessions are caused by catastrophic misinterpretations of the significance of one's thoughts (images,impulses). The obsessions persist as long as these misinterpretations continue and diminish when the misinterpretations are weakened."
That makes sense to me. I had people tell me to just stop thinking about it, but I had to think about it until I was comfortable. The better I understood it, the less stress I had. Obsessional thinking really helped.


One thing I say to explain my obsessional thinking is that my experience with my N was such a catastrophic failure, that I was forced to do a failure analysis, a re-thinking of the events and my misperceptions. I wondered how I could have made such a blunder in life. It took a lot of thinking to fix myself. I do not want to repeat that lesson.

(REPLY 2) I have been trying for months to "thought stop" and to "get over it!". I have been having obsessive thoughts about the N and the other woman, playing and replaying fantasies based on my anger and rage at the N.

(REPLY 3)I am only now becoming enlightened and just in the past 24 hours have received so many answers to the questions that were plaguing me. The biggest question I had was about myself: why was I obsessed with this person? I engaged in crazy obsessed behaviors (driving by his house to see if he was there or had another woman over). My thoughts were so preoccupied by him that all other areas of my life suffered. I kept trying to resolve conflicting information. Over and over, he was all I thought about. I have only now gotten the answers I need so have not yet extricated myself from the situation.

(REPLY 4)That big hump--it's there for everyone and it is overcome in each person's unique timing. I want to make sure that no one here in the early stages of this process thinks that they need to begin practicing forgiveness....NO NO NO...embrace your anger, vent as you need and use it to empower you to escape.

(REPLY 5)The chapter on obsessive thinking in the book Strangers to Ourselves, Timothy D. Wilson is helpful. The author argues that we obsess because our brains are wired to "find an answer" that makes sense of things ("makes sense" is the key there--it doesn't have to be a "right" answer, it just has to satisfy our need to have an answer that we can believe). Nothing about NP behavior or thought is really very "rational"--it just does not make sense, so you (we) obsess and obsess, trying to come to terms with it in a way that satisfies our brain's wiring. Add in the fact that we often are hoping there's some way we can "fix" the situation, or that we often wonder if it's WE who are somehow at fault, and it can add up to many many many sleepless nights.

When we encounter traumatic, tragic, shocking, inexplicable, gut-wrenching events in life, we develop obsessive thinking trying to comprehend it. That's normal, it's the situation that isn't normal.

If you find yourself thinking obsessively about an event or person, interrupt the thoughts with a prayer, or begin counting or reciting the alphabet. This sounds so simple, people often laugh, but it works. You'll find you have to do this over and over throughout the day - perhaps for weeks, months, or even longer.

Living in the Moment Jan Luckingham Fable


Therapists recommendation:
Pretend your X has tragically dropped dead. (It happens!) Although the person might still be alive, the relationship is dead, and so are any illusions about the person. If you begin to obsess remind yourself out loud that you are only playing "old tapes" - change the channel.

Thought Stopping:
Thought stopping helps you overcome excessive worry, repetitive thoughts, and negative thinking, which may take the form of self-doubt, fear, and avoidance of stressful situations. Thought stopping involves concentrating on the unwanted thoughts and after a short time, suddenly stopping and emptying your mind, by using the mental command "stop" or a loud noise to interrupt negative thinking. Then, you may use thought substitution to focus on positive thoughts and outcomes. If the thoughts can be controlled, stress levels can be significantly reduced.

Stress Reduction Techniques

Thought Stopping in Recovery


Some people, however, cannot get past the denial, or rage phases. They remain 'stuck", frozen in time, constantly replaying mental tapes of the interactions they had with the narcissists. What they don't realize is that these tapes are "foreign objects" implanted by the narcissist in their mind. Time bombs waiting to explode. Kind of "sleeper cells" or post-hypnotic suggestion. If you find yourself in this situation there is little you can do to help yourself. You need professional assistance.

In the case of unnecessary or bothersome thoughts, try "thought stopping." This is simply yelling (loudly but silently to yourself), "Stop! Get out of here!" And, believe it or not, the thought often goes away. It will come back, so yell again. Eventually, by telling yourself that you don't have to put up with useless or hurtful thoughts, you can frequently control "your mind"

Thought Stopping – During the Behaviour Methods


Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
from Desiderata, Max Ehrman

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Thursday, February 15, 2007


GET SMART - THE JEWISH DIVORCE
From this rabbi you can run, but you can't hide

By Ari Rabinovitch

JERUSALEM - When Jewish husbands skip out on their wives and refuse to grant them a divorce, a 58-year-old rabbi assembles a team of investigators to track them down anywhere in the world and untie the bonds of matrimony.

According to Orthodox Jewish ritual law, a woman abandoned by her husband is considered single and free to marry again only if he gives her a bill of divorce, known in Hebrew as a "Get".

Israel's Rabbinical Court, which oversees Jewish marriages in the country, said that each year, dozens of husbands maliciously refuse to sign the decree, leaving their wives "agunot", or "anchored" to their previous marriage.

Some of the men also leave the country: that is when Rabbi Yehuda Gordon, 58, and his small team of investigators step in.

He makes about five trips a year overseas, all of them sponsored by the Israeli government, to find "fugitive" husbands and persuade them to divorce their wives.

"It can take years to track each husband down," Gordon said from behind his desk at the Rabbinical Court in Jerusalem.

"A lot of (the husbands) turn out to be criminals with ties to the underworld. Each one demands a unique approach," said the rabbi, who wears traditional, ultra-Orthodox Jewish clothing and has a grey beard that reaches down to his chest.

While a husband is still in Israel, the Rabbinical Court can pressure him to grant a divorce by having his bank account frozen and driver's license and passport revoked. In some cases, the man can be arrested and jailed.

But once a husband goes overseas, it is up to Gordon and his team to persuade him to sign a "Get". "Once we find them, we need to be smart and good psychologists. Our target is not to rat them out or take their money. We never actually become violent," Gordon said.

"We use delicate threats," he said, declining to elaborate.

DELICATE THREATS
Gordon, who said he speaks six languages fluently, works mostly in Eastern Europe and Central Asia where he has connections with local politicians and law enforcement.

Although hesitant to reveal his network of contacts, he hinted that it often begins with bribing the right official.

Gordon also arranges for a safety "umbrella", usually a local rabbi and armed guards, to meet him at the airport. When he shows up at a husband's front door, many times he finds the man remarried and with a new family.

"I talk to the man, for hours at a time. I'm always smiling and I try to reason with him," Gordan said. It may take days, he said, but usually they reach an agreement. Sometimes money changes hands or local authorities get involved.

In 1998, Gordon flew to Siberia on a "Get" mission. After being threatened by police and spending three days in jail, he returned to Israel with a signed document allowing the man's wife to remarry.

Gordon said he once convinced a drug-smuggler living in Grozny, Chechnya to sign his Israeli wife's divorce papers in return for teaching the man how to pray.

BARGAINING CARD
But for some women, the Rabbinical Court is not doing enough to help them break free.

Linda Rasooly, 42, from Jerusalem, said her husband left Israel for the United States almost nine years ago without granting her a "Get".

"For seven years he forced me to be married simply because he wanted to punish me," she said.
Rasooly said it took several years before the Rabbinical Court formally accepted her case as an "Agunah" and began exerting pressure on her ex-husband, who agreed to sign a "Get" just last year.

"I was 33 when we separated but 41 when we divorced. I lost eight years waiting for a 'Get'," Rasooly said.

One advocacy group called Mavoi Satum, or Dead End, said it opens about 100 files each year for women whose husbands refuse to divorce them.

"The 'Get' becomes a bargaining card that the husband can use to extort his wife in order to get what he wants out of the divorce," said Reut Una-Tsameret, the group's public activities coordinator.

Jewish law gives the husband a lot of the power, and wives remain at their mercy, she said.

The Israeli government spends a few million shekels each year on the hundreds of cases of agunot, said the Rabbinical Court's spokeswoman Efrat Orbach.

"In 2006 alone we helped 71 agunot women, most of them with their husbands abroad," Orbach said.

KUDOS TO JEWISH SURVIVORS FOR POSTING THIS GEM!!

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Monday, February 05, 2007

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How to Survive a Panic Attack

Part 1: What Is a Panic Attack?
No matter what kind of abuse you have endured, panic attacks may follow. Learning to control them can have a positive effect on almost every part of your emotional and physical recovery.

A panic attack is defined as a sudden onset of intense fear and terror along with symptoms of dizziness, trembling, heart palpitations, difficulty breathing, sweating, clamminess, chest pain, and losing the sense of reality. You can survive this condition with some knowledge about breathing, relaxation, and learning to translate external cues. The first panic attack usually comes out of nowhere, but there probably were some external cues that triggered it. The problem with these attacks is that once you have had one, the fear of another may precipitate another attack.

Many people who have panic attacks think that they are going crazy, having a heart attack, or are dying. Once you've been seen by a doctor and had a heart attack ruled out, there are things you can do to take control of your life once again.

Let me state again, if this is the first time you have experienced symptoms of a panic attack, get diagnosed by a physician. You MUST make sure that you are having a panic attack, not a heart attack or other physical problem. Your doctor may help by prescribing medications or professional counseling so the attacks don't develop into panic disorder. This information is not intended to replace medical advice and attention, but as another tool to help you recover. Pay attention to what your doctor says, go to follow-up visits if necessary, and take any advice to go into therapy very seriously.

Deep breathing and relaxation techniques are good ways to calm down during a panic attack. We'll discuss those in future articles. First let's learn about focusing on and translating external cues. By concentrating on an object outside your body, you bring yourself back to the present and interrupt chaotic thoughts.

This is a learned skill that takes practice. But with a little bit of time and effort, you can calm yourself and stop a panic attack. As you get better at this technique, you will not need to fear panic attcks any longer.

Practice this technique before you have another panic attack.

Find an object within your reach. It can be anything from a quilt on your bed to your cat sitting in the sunshine to a picture hanging on the wall.

Take hold of the object and look at it closely.

Now describe the object, out loud, in tiny detail, to an imaginary person who can't see it.

Since your imaginary audience can't see the object you're describing, you can't just say, "It's mostly blue." You have to say, "It's a square with a deep blue stripe across the top that covers about one-tenth of the square. The blue is a dark, rich, thick color that feels like a really hot summer day. Tiny white and yellow flowers are scattered evenly across the blue fabric.

The paler blue pieces of fabric have a coarse texture and a faint checked pattern."

Notice the detail in the description. You have to describe proportion, color, contrast, pattern, and texture. These tasks require concentration; you have to engage several different parts of your mind to be able to observe, measure, translate, compare and explain. Essentially, you are converting a visual image (the quilt) to an audio image (describing it in words to someone who can't see). It's very difficult to do these things and have a panic attack at the same time! By pulling many parts of your mind into the task, you regain control. Keep describing the object until you feel that you are firmly back in control and the panic is thoroughly banished.

Think about which of your five senses is most acute. If visual imaging is not your strong point, practice concentrating on any of your five senses and converting it to another sense through words.

Have you ever tried to describe an aroma to someone with no sense of smell? A smell is very complex and subtle. Translating a smell into words is difficult. You can describe textures ("The strong spices in the gravy make it a rough smell, like coarse sandpaper"), colors ("The gravy is thick and rich, almost a deep brown"), even sounds ("The gravy's smell is deep, round and soft, like a french horn in an orchestra.").

Using this technique takes practice. You'll need to call upon all your strength the first few times you translate external cues. It may help to have someone coach you through the description, prompting you with questions. ("OK, the gravy smells brown. What else?" Or: "The gravy is bubbling in the pan. What do the popping bubbles sound like?")

Sometimes you don't have the luxury of having a friend nearby to coach you. If you can't muster the strength to concentrate on an object, don't give up and decide that this trick won't work for you. The longer the panic attack lasts, the more unpleasant it becomes. Try the trick again. If you can't do it, practice some deep breathing techniques and try it again in a minute or so.

As you get better with time and practice, you will notice an unexpected bonus. Your ability to control your panic attacks will give you a boost in confidence. The panic attacks were a major force in your life. But now you have them under control and your life has improved. You can conquer other problems too.

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Friday, February 02, 2007

\Addicted to Love: Sex, Love & Compulsion

Author:


Jennifer James

Publisher:


Do It Now Foundation

Publication Date:


1/01

Catalog Number:


173

Pleasure and Pain

Their faces are the faces of addicts. See if any look familiar.

* Ben is a successful attorney. Married with three children, his life looks exemplary and he seems destined for great public achievement. But Ben also leads a secret life, revolving around visits to prostitutes and adult book stores. Lately, he's taken to cruising the World Wide Web, downloading pornographic images and searching for possible partners in electronic "chat" areas.

* Susan is a mid-level administrator and a single mother. Every few weeks or months she goes on a sexual "binge," dressing provocatively and acting out exhibitionistic fantasies in local bars. She has sex with at least one man each night, and sometimes more.

* Charles spends hours each day driving between retail outlets as head of regional sales for a publisher. Between clients, he often stops at shopping malls and supermarkets, fantasizing about sex with women he sees and masturbating. Increasingly he spends his days "cruising."

* Paul is gay and afraid of AIDS. Still, he spends most evenings and weekends in bars. He can't remember how many men he's had sex with in the past year, but guesses somewhere around 100.

And those are just some of the faces — because according to experts, six to 10 percent of the American public experiences real problems with sexual compulsivity or inappropriate sexual expression.

The personalities and patterns change, but one thing stays the same. For addicts, sex isn't an expression of love or a pleasurable pastime, but an obsessive force that causes trance-like states of arousal and overpowering urges to act out sexual fantasies.

That's the way it is for millions of people — but it doesn't have to stay that way.

Loosening the grip of sex addiction is possible, and starts with recognizing it as a problem and identifying the factors that keep it in place.

And if its your problem, it starts where you are now.


What is sexual addiction?

Addictive sexuality is like most other compulsive behaviors, including eating disorders and drug and alcohol abuse: a potentially-destructive twist on a normal life-enhancing activity.

Still, defining sex addiction depends less on the behavior itself than on the motivations of the person.

That's why even though each involves often-unacceptable activities, the person given to sexual flings or an interest in pornography is not necessarily a sexual addict.

The difference lies in the ability to control or postpone sexual feelings and actions. Sex addicts can't — or don't realize they can — for long.

Rather than trying to satisfy their sexuality, they ritualize sex instead, even constructing elaborate scenarios that result in a constant state of sexual arousal and need.

It's the need for arousal that replaces the need for intimacy in sex addicts. Eventually, thrill-seeking becomes more important than family, career, even personal health and safety.


How can sex be addictive?

In the same way other things are addictive — in the brain and central nervous system.

In fact, researchers have begun to unravel much of the mystery of sexual attraction and compulsion through the study of the brain's internal chemistry.

On a biochemical level, sexual arousal lights up the central nervous system and triggers powerful physiological changes. Hormone levels soar, boosting heart rate and blood pressure and increasing overall physical sensitivity.

But things don't end there.

That's because the brain also plays a big role in romance and sexual arousal.

In fact, the so-called "chemistry of love" seems to be just that — chemical chain-reactions in the brain. Researchers have even identified a specific chemical in the brain (called phenylethylamine or PEA) which they believe is implicated in the thrill and general euphoria that comes with falling in love.

PEA is a built-in "love drug." It has stimulant properties like cocaine and amphetamine. Levels of the chemical appear to rise with feelings of infatuation which, in turn, boosts euphoria and excitement.

Sex addicts, then, may not be addicted to sex so much as they're dependent upon the physical and psychological arousal triggered by constant "doses" of PEA and stress-related neurotransmitters.


If love is addicting, why isn't everyone a sex addict?

For the same reason that everyone who drinks a beer isn't an alcoholic and everyone who ever popped a pill or smoked a joint isn't an addict.

Sexuality is shaped to a great extent by learning, particularly within the family. In fact, therapists say the family plays a key role in the development of sexual compulsion.

Many sex addicts report some form of abuse or neglect as children and frequently see themselves as diminished or damaged in the process. The long-term emotional fallout can involve chronic feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. Their parents, often sex addicts themselves, may attempt to compensate by raising their children with inflexible attitudes about sexuality.

Under such circumstances, normal forms of youthful sexual behavior, such as masturbation, can become compulsive and ritualized, blunting feelings of inadequacy, perhaps, but just as easily triggering guilt and shame over "bad" behavior.

The cycle can repeat itself into adulthood. Sexual compulsion is often accompanied by complex, competing feelings of arousal and shame, excitation and embarrassment. Continued compulsive sexual experiences may offer a short-term relief from psychological pain, but eventually feed back into the shame-blame cycle.

Stress also plays a part in fueling compulsive sexual behavior. Demands on the job and in the home can trigger sexual compulsion by feeding the addict's need for withdrawal and fantasy.

Problems of sexual control are usually victimizing — both to the addict, who feels powerless to stop, and others, who serve only as objects of his or her arousal.


What are signs of sex addiction?

Problems in controlling sexual behavior usually reveal themselves in four distinct stages:

* Preoccupation: The person continually fantasizes about sexual prospects or situations. Constant sexual focus results in a high level of arousal which can trigger an episode of sexual "acting-out."

* Ritualization: A preferred sexual activity or situation is often stereotyped and repetitive, and may include a wide variety of activities intended to keep arousal at a high pitch, rather than being aimed at sexual release.

* Compulsion: The person continues to engage in sexual activity despite negative consequences and a sincere desire to stop. A sex addict can feel as powerless as an alcoholic or drug addict over his or her addiction.

* Despair: Sex addicts experience guilt or shame, often intensely, over their inability to control their behavior or feel remorse for pain they've caused others. The psychological fallout is equally crippling. Addicts may suffer other behavioral problems, particularly chemical dependency and eating disorders.

Sex addicts also frequently suffer from intense depression and anxiety, often fueled by the fear of discovery. Suicide rates also tend to be higher among those with problems of sexual control.

The toll that compulsive sexuality takes is often seen in a loss of intimacy with loved ones, including problems in family functioning, communication, and marital sex life.

Ironically, the way out of sexual addiction often centers on renewing and strengthening the same relationships most affected by the problem.


Regaining Control

Everyone's fallen in and out of love. And virtually everyone's had sexual experiences at one time or another that they felt powerless to resist. Feelings of love and sexual excitement are part of being human.

For sex addicts, though, arousal is a self-reinforcing habit, no less than alcohol, drugs, and other pursuits are to other addicts.

Putting your life back together again after a period of sexual addiction first rests on seeing compulsive sexuality for what it is: an addiction — and a problem.

From there, it's important to cut yourself off from compulsive sexual behavior, as surely as it's necessary for an alcoholic to avoid the next drink and a cocaine addict the next line or rock, in order to rediscover the role of sexuality — and of others — in our lives.

Because what's missing from a sex addict's life can't be found in repeating the same old patterns.

But it can be discovered if we look close enough into the lives of others, and see more there than potential sex partners or impulse objects, and instead glimpse the deeper, ultimate love that connects and binds us all.

Sidebar: Other 'Love' Addictions

Today, sexual addiction is often seen as just one of three common and sometimes overlapping processes that involve "addictions" to other people.

The other two — labelled "love" and "relationship" addictions — can be just as disruptive to the those involved and every bit as self-defeating as sex addiction.

Differences are both clear-cut and subtle.

Love addicts live in endless anticipation of perfect love, and not finding it with one lover, immediately begin searching for it with another. A common result is a landscape littered with broken hearts and homes.

Relationship addicts fix their attention on a particular individual and act out their dependency needs with that person, typically becoming obsessed, isolated, and manipulating in the process.

Therapist and author Anne Wilson Schaef describes the differences this way: Sex addicts "come on," she says, while romance addicts "move on," and relationship addicts "hang on."

The one thing they tend not to do, without a giant jolt of self-awareness, though, is "get on" with their lives, free of the need to control and manipulate others.

Sidebar: Breaking the Spell: Getting Past Sex Addiction

Overcoming sexual compulsivity and addiction starts with recognizing that you are out of control sexually, at least some of the time. Getting to that point requires taking a hard look at yourself and the problems — emotional, physical, or financial — caused by your sexual behavior.

What comes next depends on you, but should probably involve at least some of the following:

* A commitment to abstinence. It's impossible to move beyond compulsive sexuality if you continue to act out sexual impulses. That's why most treatment programs recommend an initial period of abstinence for newly-recovering members.

* Rebuilding relationships. Rediscovering and rehabilitating relationships with others, often through family or individual counseling, can help reduce the isolation and loss of intimacy common among sex addicts.

* Managing stress. Since stress often serves as a trigger for periods of compulsive sexual activity, it's a good idea to learn new ways to control life stress.

* Self-help. A number of support groups based on the AA model have emerged in recent years in all areas of the country. Examples, which include Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), can be found in your local phone book's white pages.
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Signs your spouse is cheating

At the beginning of an affair hubby is feeling a little guilty (or a LOT) and appears at least on the outside to be more attentive.

As the affair lingers... Hubby loses his ability and desire to show you/children the attention you need.

Hubby starts to find faults in everything you do trying to justify the affair in his mind.

If it smells like a skunk... it usually is! Don't turn your back on your "GUT INSTINCTS"

Hubby usually will have a change in sex habits, wanting more or less and/or starts asking YOU for different sex acts or positions or things he knows you are uncomfortable with all of a sudden.

Being secretive about finances... Affairs cost money! Unexplained expenses. That old truck sucking gas like it is dehydrating lately? Business expenses for the out of town girlfriend? Does he want control over his expenses? or BUSINESS expenses? or to "have his own money" that you know nothing about?

Appearance will usually improve. Especially when he is away from you. Losing weight, changing colognes, growing a beard or shaving one off and buying new clothes means he is feeling good about himself and if you aren't contributing to that... someone else probably is!

Sure signs are if you are finding things like, lipstick stains, phone numbers, receipts or condoms!

If all of a sudden he is sitting on the phone waiting for that business call or you start getting a lot of hang up calls when you answer the phone.

If you still feel like you have reason to doubt your hubby,
You have two choices...

1. Ask your hubby if he is cheating. BUT only if you want to hear him say NO. If it will make you feel better (shut up that little voice inside) Because Most men will NOT admit to an affair even with hard evidence in your hand!

2. WATCH HIM!!!!!!! Do NOT let on that you suspect anything at all! Start a journal, track his mileage, look thru his closets, car and office if possible. Keep up with how long it takes him to get to and from work. Call the cellular company and ask for detailed bills.

If YOU can't get the goods then call a professional!

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Do you suspect your hubby is doing the bump and grind
with the keyboard?


Look for these signs


He closes the laptop whenever you enter the room or he starts hiding windows.

He password protects his computer with the screensaver or the computer itself.

If his cyber lover is nearby he may start leaving work for "lunch" (this applies to sex addicts also - who frequent escorts or have girlfriends)

If she is far away you can watch your phone bill. But with the new era of phone cards that are cheaper than local service he may be using those. Cell phone bills as well.

Are you getting more hang up calls than you are used to? Is he whispering into the phone when he answers it or is he always just hanging up when you walk into the room?

Is he volunteering to go to the post office all of a sudden? Or always going to the store for "you"?

He is "talking" more during sex or making "new" requests from you in the bedroom. Does he tell you you are too uptight and implying you don't want to "try new things" in bed?

Is he staying up "working" on the computer after you go to bed a lot? Does he get up before you and heads straight for the computer? Is he always "working" or "writing" on the computer?

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There are TWO kinds of cyber lovers,
Those that are willing to meet and those that are not.

You have to ask yourself if either is acceptable.
Just like the "Real Time Affair" the "Cyber Affair" can be caught!

CLICK HERE FOR MORE
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