Sanctuary for the Abused
Monday, January 31, 2011
Anyone You Want Me to Be
In this anonymous space, he was free to assume honey-tongued new identities that he used to lure women, especially those in vulnerable situations, to Kansas with promises of employment, protection, or sex. Their subsequent disappearances were explained away with letters that appeared to be written by the victims but were actually typed by the killer on pieces of paper the women had previously signed.
Ultimately, dogged law enforcement officials were able to catch up with Robinson and put him on trial after finding gruesome evidence of his deeds. While they are skilled true-crime writers, Douglas and Singular occasionally stray into hyperbole, which is far from necessary given the elements already present in Robinson’s horrifying story. It is likely that any reader will walk a little more warily by their computer after reading this book and getting an idea of who might be hiding behind a given nickname. --John Moe--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.
From Publishers Weekly
Douglas (The Cases That Haunt Us)-criminal profiler, ex-FBI agent, true crime writer and supposedly the model for a key character in Thomas Harris's The Silence of the Lambs- presents the sordid and horrific case of John Robinson, "the nation's-if not the world's-first Internet serial killer." A chubby middle-aged father of four with a long history as a con man,
Robinson explored the local s&m underground of Kansas City while skillfully using Internet chat groups to lure sexually adventurous women to Kansas, where he killed six of them, and perhaps five more, before his arrest in 2000. Douglas's methodical pace and his careful accretion of detail to describe bizarre crimes committed by seemingly ordinary people is highly reminiscent of the work of true crime writer Ann Rule, with Douglas seeing the case as being "about sex among unglamorous people and how the Internet had unleashed so many pent-up possibilities." He also spends a lot of time describing how the proliferation of porn-related sites on the Internet has made it "the fastest-growing criminal frontier in cyberspace." While much of this is fascinating, Douglas too often breaks his tone to issue simplistic warnings to the reader ("Nobody can any longer afford to be naive when it comes to cyberspace"). Johnson, writing with journalist Singular, helpfully offers an appendix featuring "tips for helping adults and kids avoid the dangers of on-line predators."
TO FIND THE BOOK - CLICK HERE
INTERNET SLAVE MASTER
Book Description
John Edward Robinson was a 56-year-old grandfather from rural Kansas. An entrepreneur and Eagle Scout, he was even honored as 'Man of the Year" at a Kansas City charity. To some of the women he met on the Internet, he was known as Slavemaster--a sexual deviate with a taste for sadomasochistic rituals of extreme domination and torture.
Masquerading as a philanthropist, he promised women money and adventure. For fifteen years, he trawled the Web, snaring unsuspecting women. They were never seen again.
But in the summer of 2000, the decomposed remains of two women were discovered in barrels on Robinson's farm, and three other bodies were found in storage units. Yet the depths of Robinson's bloodlust didn't end there. For authorities, the unspeakable criminal trail of Slavemaster was just beginning...
TO FIND THIS BOOK - CLICK HERE
Labels: anonymity, internet addiction, internet predators, online affair, online dating
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Protecting Yourself After Abuse
by Jeannette Stingley
When you finally get away from your abuser, it is possible to keep him/her from finding you or ruining your credit. One of the first things you should do if you haven’t already is relocate yourself and your children if you haven’t already. Move across town, across the state, even to another state if you have to. Have your phone number unlisted. There is a small fee for this service in some areas but it is worth it.
Obtain a PO Box to receive your mail at. To prevent him/her from stealing mail and creating accounts in your name, invest in a paper shredder! This is one of the easiest ways to protect you from any kind of identity theft.
There are programs in some states that have what is called an address confidentiality program where victims of crime can receive mail at a confidential address while their actual address is never disclosed.
Create new email accounts and only tell trusted family and friends this new address. Make sure to change passwords to any account online that your abuser may use to track you. It may be hard to avoid sites like MySpace and FaceBook or online blogging sites. Anything that will give away your identity should be avoided for awhile. You can make anonymous accounts but some places may require you post a picture of yourself. This will make it one step easier for him/her to find you.
Covering Your Internet Tracks - An article that further discusses ways to keep your activities online away from your abuser. This is particularly helpful if you visit sites like this one to find information on leaving and protecting yourself.
For immediate help in making decisions to protect yourself, call any local domestic violence shelter or 1-800-799-SAFE the National Domestic Violence Hotline
SOURCE
Labels: abuse, avoid social networking, covering your tracks, protect, safe, unlisted
Friday, January 21, 2011
How to Help An Abused Woman
Know the facts about woman abuse.
Assure her that you believe her story.
Listen and let her talk about her feelings.
Do not judge or give advice. Talk to her about her options.
Physical safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, tell her.
Help her plan an emergency exit.
Respect her right to confidentiality.
Let her know you care and want to help.
Allow her to feel the way she does and support her decisions. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. Don't try to diminish her feelings about her partner. Don't criticize her for staying with him, but share information on how abuse increases over time without intervention.
Give clear messages, including:
Violence is never okay or justifiable.
Her safety and her children's safety are always the most important issues.
Wife assault is a crime.
She does not cause the abuse.
She is not to blame for her partner's behaviour.
She cannot change her partner's behaviour.
Apologies and promises will not end the violence.
She is not alone.
She is not crazy.
Abuse is not loss of control, it is a means of control.
Discuss how the violence affects the children.
Be encouraged that every time she reaches out for help she is gaining the emotional strength needed to make effective decisions. She may be too fearful and immobilized or confused to take any step immediately.
Although police can be asked to accompany a woman going back home to retrieve personal belongings, encourage her to be prepared for the possibility of leaving home in a hurry. She should have necessary documents or photocopies ready, as well as important items such as:
credit cards, cash, bank books, passport, birth certificates, citizenship papers, house keys, medications, children's favourite toy, clothing, etc.
An abused woman needs our support and encouragement in order to make choices that are right for her. However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for her to hear:
Don't tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
Don't tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
Don't suggest you try to talk to her husband to straighten things out.
Don't place yourself in danger by confronting the assaultive man.
Don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
Never recommend joint family or marital counselling in situations of emotional or
physical abuse. It is dangerous for the woman and will not lead to a resolution that is in her interest.
Encourage separate counselling for the man and woman, if they want counselling.
How to Help Children Who Witness Abuse
For Mothers
Understand that there is a reason for the child's behaviour, and acknowledge that in words for her. Children will work out reasons of their own for the turmoil, often blaming themselves, unless you discuss what is going on.
Let your children know that the fighting is not their fault.
Give them permission to talk about the abuse. Information, and talking about feelings helps to sort out what is going on. If you are not able to handle talking with your child, make sure she knows one or two other people that you feel comfortable having her talk to.
Help them to work out a safety plan: a safe place to go when there is fighting, numbers they can call, and make sure they know it is not safe to get in between fighting adults.
Acknowledge the mixed feelings they may have toward their dad; it is still okay to love him, and hate what he does.
Make sure your child knows that keeping silent about abuse at home sometimes leads to keeping silent about other negative experiences.
Help the child to identify feelings other than anger, and help them find safe ways to express those feelings. Try to notice and comment on what your child is doing right.
Be as specific as you can about what is going to happen in everyday life. Children who live with abuse need information ahead of time about where they will be, and how long they will stay. If your child has a hard time separating from you, reassure him, and tell him you will be safe and when you will be back.
Get support for yourself. It takes extra patience to cope with a child who is acting out because of witnessing abuse.
For Teachers and Child Care Workers
Try to incorporate into daily activities a discussion of feelings and how to express them and recognize them in other people. Some children who witness violence only recognize and express anger: a feeling vocabulary helps them to express what they are experiencing.
A child who witnesses abuse often has a short attention span, as a result of being constantly on edge at home. Try to avoid focusing excessive negative attention on this behaviour, and if possible, support the child in redirecting his energy.
Try to discuss behaviour in terms of "safe and not safe", rather than "bad, good, nice, not-nice". The child may already be suffering with very low self-esteem and will tend to identify with the aggressor in her family, if she hears at school that she is not nice.
Consistency, routine and follow-through are very helpful in assisting a child who is coping with violence. Try to create a feeling of safety and predictability in the child's environment, using visual cues like clocks whenever possible. Self-esteem words and phrases that identify concrete examples of positive behaviour (helpful cleaning up, shared his snack) go a long way to counter feelings of worthlessness and helplessness, especially when written down.
Be as clear as possible about rules, and consequences. Try to avoid the appearance of arbitrary punishments or decisions. Children who witness violence often have a very keen sense of justice.
Offer limited choices. This increases a child's sense of control over her world.
Try to be patient with decision making: it may be an unusual experience for her.
Give a time limit.
School-age children can benefit from discussions of gender stereotyping. Boys especially need to know that the abuser in their family is not the only way to be male.
Challenge stereotypes in popular culture that show helplessness and aggression.
Identify other ways of coping with problems.
Help the child identify her "support systems": safe family members or adults that can help a child by listening.
Know that the child's mother is doing the best they can under the circumstances. Be aware of the issues she is facing, and try not to judge her for what may look like poor parenting practices in your view. If you have noticed routines or patterns that seem to help or hinder the child, share them with his mother, but be aware that she may not always be able to act on the information immediately or consistently.
Labels: abused, assaulted, believe, help, listen, trust, women
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Learned Helplessness
There are people who rely on learned helplessness as a means to cope with negative events happening in their life. Keith Joseph McKean points out that learned helplessness is based on three things:
Internal blaming - "It's me!"
Global distortion - "It'll affect everything I do!"
Stability generalization - "It will last forever!"
Parents/caretakers play major roles in whether or not a child develops learned helplessness. Learned helplessness can develop early in one's life. Therefore, adults need to be aware of how their type of criticism they use will affect children.
If adults are continually using negative criticism, the child will eventually have low self-esteem and will come to a point to want to give up trying. This can lead to the child having negative viewpoints throughout his/her life.
The type of reinforcement given to the child by the caregiver can determine whether or not the child will develop learned helplessness as a coping mechanism for everyday life events. The child will eventually feel he/she has no control over these events.
Heyman, Dweck and Cain confirm the influence of constant negative criticism on children by revealing how young children in their study assumed when they were receiving negative criticism they must have been "bad" children. Therefore, the children felt they were deserving of such negative criticism.
But, researchers claim as a child gets older the child feels the negative criticism is based on their lack of abilities, not based on if they were "good" or "bad." This study cites that children who have a secure attachment will demonstrate positive self-evaluations whereas children who don't have this positive attachment will demonstrate negative self-evaluations.
Learned helplessness can develop in any stage of one's life, not just childhood - it affects behavioral, cognitive and affective domains at the same time.
When a person is wanting to give up or has a continuous habit of putting things off, this is learned helplessness affecting his/her behavioral domain. A person's self-esteem will be low and feeling of frustration will be high. With these effects a person's ability to solve problems will be very low due to the fact that the person has no confidence in themselves.
These factors affect the cognitive domain. The affective domain is when a person will show signs of depression. When one fails, the blame will be that person's lack of abilities and when one succeeds this will be due to "luck."
Also, a characteristic of a person with learned helplessness is low self-esteem. Low self-esteem will decrease one's confidence in trying to change negative things that are going on in one's life. When a person with learned helplessness experiences success he / she will make themselves and others believe it was due to "luck" and not based on ones' own abilities.
This pessimistic explanatory way of dealing with events can affect a person's job performance and a student's academic performance which can eventually lead to wanting to give up. As stated earlier, learned helplessness can develop at any age.
Learned helplessness can be seen when comparing depressed elderly women and non-depressed elderly women (65-96 years) on successes and failures. The non-depressed women would describe their success due to positive reasons such as, their success was due to their own abilities. Whereas, the depressed women would use more of a negative reason by saying their success was due to "luck" and not based on personal abilities.
When it came to explaining failures, the non-depressed women would blame them on "bad luck" and the depressed women would blame it on their so-called lack of abilities. The depressed women would blame negative outcomes due to inner forces and positive outcomes due to outer forces. These depressed women show how people with learned helplessness will use these reasons to give up and not put an effort to take control of their lives.
Strube emphasizes a situation where learned helplessness traumatically effects lives. Women in abusive relationships have developed at some point in time learned helplessness. These women have low self-esteem and blame themselves when things go wrong, therefore, they feel they deserve the physical and mental abuse (similar to the young children who felt they deserved the negative criticism they received because of being "bad").
Society and family play a partial hand in this abuse by putting unnecessary pressures on the woman by making her feel it is her responsibility to make the relationship work. These pressures need to be removed and support from family needs to be increased.
Society as a whole needs to take a stand against abuse. Just as these studies show how learned helplessness can develop during early childhood and continue through adulthood, I know of a woman who has overcome learned helplessness.
There was this little girl who wasn't afraid of anything. She didn't even know what fear was. Then one day a traumatic event happened in her life. After that she knew what fear was.
She was made to feel what had happened was her fault. She tried hard to thing of what she did to deserve being treated so badly. For many years she felt she was a "bad" girl. After that experience came many other negative experiences. She felt she caused them because she was "bad" therefore, she deserved these bad experiences. She decided to be so "good" that nothing bad would ever happen again. But, bad things kept occurring. She figured it didn't matter if she was "good" or "bad" because she had no control over anything that happened in her life.
All through life whenever she failed she would just decide that was expected, so why try?
When she did achieve anything good, she would count that as being "lucky" - not because of her abilities. At times of success she didn't like to acknowledge it to anyone because she knew there would be someone there to remind her how "bad" she really was. She got to the point whenever she would achieve anything in life she never gave herself a chance to enjoy the precious moments. She felt she didn't deserve any praise for accomplishments. She even blamed herself for a relative's death.
For some reason, she felt she must have done something bad and she was to be punished by having him taken away from her. She continued for a number of years failing to achieve any goals that were set for her. She tried to finish college a number of times but continued to fail. She did not fail necessarily in grades but in giving up on everything in life. She just figured there would be something that would stop her so she didn't try.
During her early adulthood years she had no goals set and would just go along in life doing what it took to get by. She constantly placed herself in negative situations; abusive relationships, other relationships that were doomed to fail, and she felt any mistakes on the job were due to her lack of abilities. She felt she had no control over any events in her life.
She felt she was doomed for the rest of her life. She felt her family didn't expect anything from her since she was a woman. She was to get married and raise a family - nothing else. She became engaged numerous times but failed at actually going through with the marriages.
No matter how hard she would try, she always failed. Her negative surroundings and negative reinforcements over many years caused her to develop learned helplessness.
By her late twenties she knew something had to change.
After receiving professional help and joining a support group [see below], the once frightened little girl has turned into a woman who knows now that she has control over her life. Now in her thirties, she has gone back to school and has set short-term and long-term goals to help herself succeed in life. Now her belief is that if she has given it her best she has succeeded (no matter what others would rule as success and failure).
There are still days when she feels she has failed. At first she will start to blame herself and she will stop and tell herself over and over she is not to blame. She will then look back to analyze why she did not achieve what she had set out to do and if she didn't do her best, she would do her best to try and correct this. but, when she did her best, she will tell herself she must accept it and go on.
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She is learning to accept that when she does something good, she knows she worked hard for it and deserves it without feeling guilty, and she didn't get it from the luck of the draw.
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She has a new life after thirty years of living with learned helplessness. Society and parents play major roles in making sure a child avoids learned helplessness. Children must be encouraged to use their cognitive abilities to their fullest, be given positive criticism and be shown adaptive ways to cope with negative events that happen in their lives.
A person's self-esteem is very important to one's future. No one can eliminate negative events in anyone's life but one does have the power to help someone cope in a positive manner.
Terri Holcomb
Labels: abuse, abused, blame, criticism, depression, fear, giving up, learned helplessness, low self-esteem, trauma
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
What is "Abused Woman's Syndrome?"
By Lori S. Rubenstein, Attorney - Mediator
(BATTERING can be Verbal, Emotional, Sexual, Psychological and/or Financial - not just physical!)
To understand battered woman's syndrome, one must first understand how someone becomes a "battered woman". According to Dr. Lenore E. Walker, the nation's most prominent expert on battered women, a woman must experience at least two complete battering cycles before she can be labeled a "battered woman". The cycle has three distinct phases. First is the tension-building phase, followed by the explosion or acute battering incident, culminating in a calm, loving respite - often referred to as the honeymoon phase. Walker, L., The Battered Woman (1979).
It is also important to understand why battered women stay in abusive relationships. The Court in People v. Aris, 215 Cal App 3d 1194, 264 Cal Rptr 167, 178 (1989) stated that "battered women tend to stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons." Among those reasons:
women are still positively reinforced during the honeymoon phase;
women tend to be the peacekeepers in relationships - the ones responsible for making the marriage work;
adverse economic consequences;
it is more dangerous to leave than to stay;
prior threats by batterer to kill self, or children; or to abscond with children;
lost self-esteem;
and no psychological energy to leave - resulting in a learned helplessness or psychological paralysis.
"Battered woman syndrome describes a pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships." People v. Romero, 13 Cal Rptr 2d 332, 336 (Cal App 2d Dist. 1992); See Walker, L., The Battered Woman Syndrome (1984) p. 95-97.
There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:
1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault.
2. The woman has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
3. The woman fears for her life and/or her children's lives.
4. The woman has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.
"Battered woman's syndrome is best understood as a subgroup of what the American Psychological Association defines as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, rather than as a form of mental illness." IX New York Law School Journal of Human Rights "You've Come a Long Way, Baby: The Battered Woman's Syndrome Revisited" at 117-118; Walker, L., Terrifying Love: Why Battered Women Kill and How Society Responds (1989) at 48.
BATTERED WOMAN'S SYNDROME IN THE COURTS
Battered woman's syndrome has been used in criminal cases since the late 1970s. Experts must qualify to testify on this syndrome as they must in any other case. In the only reported Oregon case on battered woman (spouse) syndrome, State v. Moore, 72 Or App 454, 695 P2d 985 (1985), the expert was not qualified to discuss the syndrome because she had no college degree. ORE 702 states:
If scientific, technical or other specialized knowledge will assist the trier of fact to understand the evidence or to determine a fact in issue, a witness qualified as an expert by knowledge, skill, experience, training or education may testify thereto in the form of an opinion or otherwise.
"The court did not reject defendant's defense based on the battered spouse syndrome but ruled that the evidence offered through the counselor's testimony was too remote in relationship to the shooting to be probative of the defense." Id. at 987. Judge Newman, concurring with the majority, gives a lengthy discussion of the importance of battered spouse syndrome and its relevance to a claim of self-defense, stating that "numerous psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers now consider the battered spouse syndrome an accepted basis for identification, counseling and treatment....If a witness qualifies as an expert and a sufficient foundation is laid, evidence of the battered spouse syndrome should be admissible." Id. at 990. In determining relevancy, the court must first decide whether it has enough evidence to decide whether the person was in fact a battered woman. Fennell v. Goolsby, 630 F Supp 45 (E.D. Pa. 1985)
It should be noted that the Moore case supra was decided in 1985. In the years since, numerous studies, articles, court cases and legislation concerning domestic violence and battered woman's syndrome have been introduced to our system of jurisprudence. To date 31 states and the District of Columbia have allowed use of expert testimony on the syndrome and five have acknowledged its validity, but held it inadmissible based on the facts of the particular case. Bechtel v. State, 840 P2d 1 (Okl Cr 1992). In Bechtel, two experts acknowledged that battered woman's syndrome is considered a sub-category of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder which is generally accepted and listed in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 3-R; "but it is not a mental disease in the context of insanity". Bechtel, 840 P2d at 7.
Although a few cases concerning battered woman's syndrome were heard in the late 1970's, the true watershed case was State v. Kelly, 478 A2d 364 (1985). Kelly stated that the battered woman syndrome, hereinafter referred to as "BWS", is admissible to aid juries in assessing a defendant's perception of danger posed by the abuser. "Evidence of BWS not only explains how a battered woman might think, react or behave, it also places the behavior in an understandable light." Romero supra p.1, 13 Cal Rptr 2d at 341.
The Court in Arcoren v. U.S., supra p.1, 929 F2d at 1241 rejected Arcoren's argument that the expert's testimony re BWS should be limited to cases where it was offered to support a claim of self-defense. Battered woman's syndrome has recently been used in juvenile, divorce and custody actions. In the Matter of Glen G. and Josephline G., 587 NYS 2d 464, 469 (1992) the expert described BWS as "a breaking down of a woman's self confidence and self respect to a point where she no longer knows if she is crazy or not." BWS was used to show that the mother did not have actual ability to intervene to protect her child from the father's sexual abuse. This year, in a Connecticut custody action, Knock v. Knock, 224 Conn. 776, 621 A2d 267 (1993) BWS was found to be relevant to a determination of custody. The court held that the presence of battery in the household has, at a minimum, some effect on the parenting skill of both spouses and the child's response to the parent even after their separation. "It is clear that the trial court considered battered woman's syndrome...as a factor in its custody determination....in addition to other corroborating evidence,...to determine whether defendant was a battered woman. [The Court] allowed [the expert] to testify as to battered woman's syndrome and the effects of battering upon the victim and any children involved, and to give his opinion that the defendant manifested battered woman's syndrome." Id. at 274.
Expert testimony concerning battered woman's syndrome, permitted in 31 states, is still a rather new area of the law. Although the trend in criminal cases clearly permits and even encourages such testimony, only a few civil cases have been reported. In these civil-law cases, BWS has been used by the court in determining a mother's state of mind and why her actions or non-actions were consistent with the syndrome. See closing memorandum for arguments con-cerning the use of BWS in the case at bar. In examining the victim's fitness for custody, the "task for judges is to determine which parent is most likely to provide the child with a healthy, caring nonviolent home". The Judges Journal, "What Therapists See That Judges May Miss", Crites, L., and Coker, D. (Spring 1988) p.43. Discussing the battered woman's emotional state, The Judges Journal article asserts that "[u]nlike her abusive partner, most abused women do not repeat the abuse experience in a second relationship." [Only about 10% do experience violence in future relationships.]
"While experiencing the abuse, the woman's emotional state is sometimes marked by depression, somatic concerns, anxiety and passivity. These symptoms, however, are most often linked to the relationship and lessen once she removes herself from the abuse....
An abused woman also has to overcome feeling inadequate, crazy, or stupid - something akin to brainwashing - as a result of having been repeatedly told she was these things while in the relationship." Id. at 13.
(Remember BATTERING can include verbal, emotional & psychological abuse)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL STAGES OF THE BATTERED WOMAN SYNDROME
DENIAL
The woman refuses to admit--even to herself--that there she has been beaten or that there is a "problem" in her marriage. She may call each incident an "accident". She offers excuses for her husband's violence and each time firmly believes it will never happen again.
GUILT
She now acknowledges there is a problem, but considers herself responsible for it. She "deserves" to be beaten, she feels, because she has defects in her character and is not living up to her husband's expectations.
ENLIGHTENMENT
The woman no longer assumes responsibility for her husband's abusive treatment, recognizing that no one "deserves" to be beaten. She is still committed to her marriage, though, and stays with her husband, hoping they can work things out.
RESPONSIBILITY
Accepting the fact that her husband will not, or can not, stop his violent behavior, the battered woman decides she will no longer submit to it and starts a new life.
(BATTERING can be Verbal, Emotional, Sexual, Psychological and/or Financial - not just physical!)
To understand battered woman's syndrome, one must first understand how someone becomes a "battered woman". According to Dr. Lenore E. Walker, the nation's most prominent expert on battered women, a woman must experience at least two complete battering cycles before she can be labeled a "battered woman". The cycle has three distinct phases. First is the tension-building phase, followed by the explosion or acute battering incident, culminating in a calm, loving respite - often referred to as the honeymoon phase. Walker, L., The Battered Woman (1979).
It is also important to understand why battered women stay in abusive relationships. The Court in People v. Aris, 215 Cal App 3d 1194, 264 Cal Rptr 167, 178 (1989) stated that "battered women tend to stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons." Among those reasons:
women are still positively reinforced during the honeymoon phase;
women tend to be the peacekeepers in relationships - the ones responsible for making the marriage work;
adverse economic consequences;
it is more dangerous to leave than to stay;
prior threats by batterer to kill self, or children; or to abscond with children;
lost self-esteem;
and no psychological energy to leave - resulting in a learned helplessness or psychological paralysis.
"Battered woman syndrome describes a pattern of psychological and behavioral symptoms found in women living in battering relationships." People v. Romero, 13 Cal Rptr 2d 332, 336 (Cal App 2d Dist. 1992); See Walker, L., The Battered Woman Syndrome (1984) p. 95-97.
There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:
1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault.
2. The woman has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
3. The woman fears for her life and/or her children's lives.
4. The woman has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.
"Battered woman's syndrome is best understood as a subgroup of what the American Psychological Association defines as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, rather than as a form of mental illness." IX New York Law School Journal of Human Rights "You've Come a Long Way, Baby: The Battered Woman's Syndrome Revisited" at 117-118; Walker, L., Terrifying Love: Why Battered Women Kill and How Society Responds (1989) at 48.
BATTERED WOMAN'S SYNDROME IN THE COURTS
Battered woman's syndrome has been used in criminal cases since the late 1970s. Experts must qualify to testify on this syndrome as they must in any other case. In the only reported Oregon case on battered woman (spouse) syndrome, State v. Moore, 72 Or App 454, 695 P2d 985 (1985), the expert was not qualified to discuss the syndrome because she had no college degree. ORE 702 states:
If scientific, technical or other specialized knowledge will assist the trier of fact to understand the evidence or to determine a fact in issue, a witness qualified as an expert by knowledge, skill, experience, training or education may testify thereto in the form of an opinion or otherwise.
"The court did not reject defendant's defense based on the battered spouse syndrome but ruled that the evidence offered through the counselor's testimony was too remote in relationship to the shooting to be probative of the defense." Id. at 987. Judge Newman, concurring with the majority, gives a lengthy discussion of the importance of battered spouse syndrome and its relevance to a claim of self-defense, stating that "numerous psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers now consider the battered spouse syndrome an accepted basis for identification, counseling and treatment....If a witness qualifies as an expert and a sufficient foundation is laid, evidence of the battered spouse syndrome should be admissible." Id. at 990. In determining relevancy, the court must first decide whether it has enough evidence to decide whether the person was in fact a battered woman. Fennell v. Goolsby, 630 F Supp 45 (E.D. Pa. 1985)
It should be noted that the Moore case supra was decided in 1985. In the years since, numerous studies, articles, court cases and legislation concerning domestic violence and battered woman's syndrome have been introduced to our system of jurisprudence. To date 31 states and the District of Columbia have allowed use of expert testimony on the syndrome and five have acknowledged its validity, but held it inadmissible based on the facts of the particular case. Bechtel v. State, 840 P2d 1 (Okl Cr 1992). In Bechtel, two experts acknowledged that battered woman's syndrome is considered a sub-category of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder which is generally accepted and listed in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 3-R; "but it is not a mental disease in the context of insanity". Bechtel, 840 P2d at 7.
Although a few cases concerning battered woman's syndrome were heard in the late 1970's, the true watershed case was State v. Kelly, 478 A2d 364 (1985). Kelly stated that the battered woman syndrome, hereinafter referred to as "BWS", is admissible to aid juries in assessing a defendant's perception of danger posed by the abuser. "Evidence of BWS not only explains how a battered woman might think, react or behave, it also places the behavior in an understandable light." Romero supra p.1, 13 Cal Rptr 2d at 341.
The Court in Arcoren v. U.S., supra p.1, 929 F2d at 1241 rejected Arcoren's argument that the expert's testimony re BWS should be limited to cases where it was offered to support a claim of self-defense. Battered woman's syndrome has recently been used in juvenile, divorce and custody actions. In the Matter of Glen G. and Josephline G., 587 NYS 2d 464, 469 (1992) the expert described BWS as "a breaking down of a woman's self confidence and self respect to a point where she no longer knows if she is crazy or not." BWS was used to show that the mother did not have actual ability to intervene to protect her child from the father's sexual abuse. This year, in a Connecticut custody action, Knock v. Knock, 224 Conn. 776, 621 A2d 267 (1993) BWS was found to be relevant to a determination of custody. The court held that the presence of battery in the household has, at a minimum, some effect on the parenting skill of both spouses and the child's response to the parent even after their separation. "It is clear that the trial court considered battered woman's syndrome...as a factor in its custody determination....in addition to other corroborating evidence,...to determine whether defendant was a battered woman. [The Court] allowed [the expert] to testify as to battered woman's syndrome and the effects of battering upon the victim and any children involved, and to give his opinion that the defendant manifested battered woman's syndrome." Id. at 274.
Expert testimony concerning battered woman's syndrome, permitted in 31 states, is still a rather new area of the law. Although the trend in criminal cases clearly permits and even encourages such testimony, only a few civil cases have been reported. In these civil-law cases, BWS has been used by the court in determining a mother's state of mind and why her actions or non-actions were consistent with the syndrome. See closing memorandum for arguments con-cerning the use of BWS in the case at bar. In examining the victim's fitness for custody, the "task for judges is to determine which parent is most likely to provide the child with a healthy, caring nonviolent home". The Judges Journal, "What Therapists See That Judges May Miss", Crites, L., and Coker, D. (Spring 1988) p.43. Discussing the battered woman's emotional state, The Judges Journal article asserts that "[u]nlike her abusive partner, most abused women do not repeat the abuse experience in a second relationship." [Only about 10% do experience violence in future relationships.]
"While experiencing the abuse, the woman's emotional state is sometimes marked by depression, somatic concerns, anxiety and passivity. These symptoms, however, are most often linked to the relationship and lessen once she removes herself from the abuse....
An abused woman also has to overcome feeling inadequate, crazy, or stupid - something akin to brainwashing - as a result of having been repeatedly told she was these things while in the relationship." Id. at 13.
(Remember BATTERING can include verbal, emotional & psychological abuse)
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FOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL STAGES OF THE BATTERED WOMAN SYNDROME
DENIAL
The woman refuses to admit--even to herself--that there she has been beaten or that there is a "problem" in her marriage. She may call each incident an "accident". She offers excuses for her husband's violence and each time firmly believes it will never happen again.
GUILT
She now acknowledges there is a problem, but considers herself responsible for it. She "deserves" to be beaten, she feels, because she has defects in her character and is not living up to her husband's expectations.
ENLIGHTENMENT
The woman no longer assumes responsibility for her husband's abusive treatment, recognizing that no one "deserves" to be beaten. She is still committed to her marriage, though, and stays with her husband, hoping they can work things out.
RESPONSIBILITY
Accepting the fact that her husband will not, or can not, stop his violent behavior, the battered woman decides she will no longer submit to it and starts a new life.
Labels: battered woman syndrome, emotional abuse, fear, low self-esteem, ptsd, verbal abuse
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Centerfold Syndrome & Men
The Centerfold Syndrome
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Psychologist Dr. Gary R. Brooks, in his book, The Centerfold Syndrome: How Men Can Overcome Objectification and Achieve Intimacy with Women*, has identified four symptoms of the "centerfold syndrome." As the result of a steady diet of soft-core pornography, men may display one or more of the following symptoms:
Voyeurism-an obsession with visual stimulation that trivializes all other features of a healthy relationship
Objectification-obsessive fetishes over body parts and the rating of women by size and shape
Trophyism-treatment of women as collectibles and property
Fear of intimacy-inability to get beyond glossy, centerfold images of women to have a real relationship
Pornography subtly communicates that the value of a woman is determined by her body, shape, and size. Only those women with a perfect physical appearance are valuable and worthy of being admired, desired, and loved. This can have detrimental effects on how women and girls view themselves.
I often wonder how many young girls who struggle with anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders are unknowingly struggling to measure up to the perfect "10" image projected by the airbrushed centerfold.
I also wonder how many teenage boys, consciously or unconsciously, measure the value of their girlfriends against the "bunny" image.
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Pornography's Progressive Pattern of Addiction
Dr. Victor Cline, a clinical psychologist at the University of Utah and a specialist in the area of sexual addictions, has observed a four-step syndrome common to almost all of his clients who have been involved with pornography.
Step 1-Addiction.
Once consumers of pornography get hooked, they keep coming back for more and more. The sexually graphic material provides the viewer with an aphrodisiac effect, followed by sexual release, most often through masturbation. Pornography gives the viewer powerful imagery that can be recalled and elaborated on with the person's fantasy life. Despite negative consequences, most addicts are unable to rid themselves of their dependence on pornography. Their addiction rules their lives.
Step 2-Escalation.
Cline describes the second phase as an escalation-effect. The pornography consumer, similar to the drug user, requires more and more stimulation to reach his or her "highs." In fact some viewers prefer the powerful sexual imagery planted in their minds by exposure to pornography to sexual intercourse itself. This nearly always diminishes the viewer's capacity to love and express appropriate intimacy within relationships.
Step 3-Desensitization.
In this phase, material that was originally perceived as unthinkable, shocking, illegal, repulsive, or immoral is now viewed as acceptable and commonplace by the viewer of pornography. Regardless of the deviancy expressed, the viewer perceives the pornography and his or her use of it as legitimate.
Step 4-Acting out sexually.
This last step describes an increased tendency to act out sexually the behaviors viewed in pornography, including things such as: promiscuity, visiting escorts, voyeurism, exhibitionism, group sex, affairs, rape, sadomasochism, cybersex, phone sex, child molestation, and more.
Clearly, this progressive pattern demonstrates how reality and fantasy become blurred for those who are entangled with pornography or when viewing is no longer enough. Early emotional wounding is almost always a factor in pornography addiction.
In regard to the compulsive or addictive nature of pornography, Dr. Cline shares the following: "In over 26 years, I have treated approximately 350 males afflicted with sexual addictions (or sometimes referred to as sexual compulsions). In about 94 percent of the cases I have found that pornography was a contributor, facilitator, or direct causal agent in the acquiring of these sexual illnesses." ii
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iCline, Pornography's Effects, 3-5.
iiVictor B. Cline, "Pornography and Sexual Addictions," Christian Counseling Today 4, no.4 (1996): 58.
Labels: abuse, centerfold syndrome, compulsivity, denial, objectification, pornography, sex addiction
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Getting Law Enforcement Authorities & the Police Involved
If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement:
Involve the police whenever possible.
Report his crimes as soon as you can and make sure you retain a copy of your complaint. Your abuser counts on your fear of him and on your natural propensity to keep domestic problems a secret. Expose him to scrutiny and penalties. This will make him re-consider his actions next time around.
Physical assault is a criminal offence as are rape and, in some countries, stalking and marital rape. If you have been physically or sexually assaulted, go to the nearest hospital and document your injuries. Be sure to obtain copies of the admission form, the medical evaluation report, and of any photographs and exam results (X-rays, computerized tomography-CT, biopsies, and so on).
If your abusive intimate partner verbally threatens you, your nearest and dearest, or your property or pets - this is also criminal conduct. To the best of your ability, get him on tape or make him repeat his threats in the presence of witnesses. Then promptly file a complaint with the police.
If your abuser forces you to remain indoors, in isolation, he is committing an offence. Forced confinement or imprisonment is illegal. While so incarcerated, failing to provide you with vital necessities - such as air, water, medical aid, and food - is yet another criminal act.
Damage to property rendering it inoperative or useless - is mischief. It is punishable by law. Same goes for cruelty to animals (let alone children).
If your partner swindled you out of funds or committed fraud, theft, or perjury (by falsifying your signature on a checking or credit card account, for instance) - report him to the police. Financial abuse is as pernicious as the physical variety.
In most countries, the police must respond to your complaint. They cannot just file it away or suppress it. They must talk to you and to your partner separately and obtain written and signed statements from both parties. The police officer on the scene must inform you of your legal options. The officer in charge must also furnish you with a list of domestic violence shelters and other forms of help available in your community.
If you suspect that a member of your family is being abused, the police, in most countries, can obtain a warrant permitting entry into the premises to inspect the situation. They are also authorized to help the victim relocate (leave) and to assist her in any way, including by applying on her behalf and with her consent to the courts to obtain restraining and emergency protection orders. A breach of either of these orders may be an indictable criminal offence as well as a civil offence.
If you decide to pursue the matter and if there are reasonable grounds to do so, the police will likely lay charges against the offender and accuse your partner of assault. Actually, your consent is only a matter of formality and is not strictly required. The police can charge an offender on the basis of evidence only.
If the team on the scene refuses to lay charges, you have the right to talk to a senior police officer. If you cannot sway them to act, you can lay charges yourself by going to the court house and filing with a Justice of the Peace (JP). The JP must let you lay charges. It is your inalienable right.
You cannot withdraw charges laid by the police and you most probably will be subpoenaed to testify against the abuser.
Labels: abuse, assaulted, domestic violence, law enforcement, police, reporting, stalking
Saturday, January 08, 2011
The Contradictory Nature of Narcissists
THE CONTRADICTORY NATURE OF NARCISSISTS
EXCERPTS:
NO MATURE CONSCIENCE
Narcissists lack a mature conscience and seem to be restrained only by fear of being punished or of damaging their reputations -- though, again, this can be obscure to casual observation if you don't know what they think their reputations are, and what they believe others think of them may be way out of touch with reality. Their moral intelligence is about at the level of a bright five- or six-year-old; the only rules they recognize are things that have been specifically required, permitted, prohibited, or disapproved of by authority figures they know personally.
Anyhow, narcissists can't be counted on not to do something just because it's wrong, illegal, or will hurt someone, as long as they think that they can get away with it or that you can't stop them or punish them (i.e., they don't care what you think unless they're afraid of you) .
ENTITLEMENT
Narcissists feel entitled to whatever they can take. They expect privileges and indulgences, and they also feel entitled to exploit other people without any trace of reciprocation
CASUAL DISHONESTY & CRUELTY
If you're like me, you get into disputes with narcissists over their casual dishonesty and cruelty to other people. Trying to reform narcissists by reasoning with them or by appealing to their better nature is about as effective as spitting in the ocean. What you see is what you get: they have no better nature.
The fundamental problem here is that narcissists lack empathy. Lacking empathy is a profound disturbance to the narcissist's thinking (cognition) and feeling (affectivity). Even when very intelligent, narcissists can't reason well. One I've worked with closely does something I characterize as "analysis by eggbeater." They don't understand the meaning of what people say and they don't grasp the meaning of the written word either -- because so much of the meaning of anything we say depends on context and affect, narcissists (lacking empathy and thus lacking both context and affect) hear only the words. (Discussions with narcissists can be really weird and disconcerting; they seem to think that using some of the same words means that they are following a line of conversation or reasoning. Thus, they will go off on tangents and irrelevancies, apparently in the blithe delusion that they understand what others are talking about.)
And, frankly, they don't hear all the words, either. They can pay attention only to stuff that has them in it. This is not merely a bad habit -- it's a cognitive deficiency. Narcissists pay attention only to themselves and stuff that affects them personally. However, since they don't know what other people are doing, narcissists can't judge what will affect them personally and seem never to learn that when they cause trouble they will get trouble back. They won't take other people's feelings into consideration and so they overlook the fact that other people will react with feeling when abused or exploited and that most people get really pissed off by being lied to or lied about.
CONTRADICTORY
The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. They will do this virtually in the same sentence, without even stopping to take a breath. It can be trivial (e.g., about what they want for lunch) or it can be serious (e.g., about whether or not they love you). When you ask them which one they mean, they'll deny ever saying the first one, though it may literally have been only seconds since they said it -- really, how could you think they'd ever have said that? You need to have your head examined! They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they'll say you're lying, making stuff up, or are crazy. [At this point, if you're like me, you sort of panic and want to talk to anyone who will listen about what is going on: this is a healthy reaction; it's a reality check ("who's the crazy one here?"); that you're confused by the narcissist's contrariness, that you turn to another person to help you keep your bearings, that you know something is seriously wrong and worry that it might be you are all signs that you are not a narcissist].
NOTE: Normal people can behave irrationally under emotional stress -- be confused, deny things they know, get sort of paranoid, want to be babied when they're in pain. But normal people recover pretty much within an hour or two or a day or two, and, with normal people, your expressions of love and concern for their welfare will be taken to heart. They will be stabilized by your emotional and moral support. Not so with narcissists -- the surest way I know of to get a crushing blow to your heart is to tell a narcissist you love her or him. They will respond with a nasty power move, such as telling you to do things entirely their way or else be banished from them for ever.
THEIR RELIGIOUSNESS
Narcissists I've known also have odd religious ideas, in particular believing that they are God's special favorites somehow; God loves them, so they are exempted from ordinary rules and obligations: God loves them and wants them to be the way they are, so they can do anything they feel like -- though, note, the narcissist's God has much harsher rules for everyone else, including you. [Many readers have questions about narcissism and religion.
Here is an interesting article on the Web: "Narcissism Goes to Church: Encountering Evangelical Worship" by Monte Wilson. An excerpt:
"Modern American Christianity is filled with the spirit of narcissism. We are in love with ourselves and evaluate churches, minist,ers and truth-claims based upon how they make us feel about ourselves. If the church makes me feel wanted, it is a good church. If the minister makes me feel good about myself, he is a terrific guy. If the proffered truth supports my self-esteem, it is, thereby, verified."]READ MORE HERE
(note - the male gender was used in the above; Narcissists can also be female)
Labels: abuse, contradict, cruelty, lie, moral insanity, narcissism, narcissist. casual dishonesty, religion
FRAUD WARNING: SANDRA BROWN MA
