Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, March 31, 2011

NO HELP to Victim of Domestic Violence from Pastor & Church Community!

(from our friend at EMOTIONAL ABUSE & FAITH:)

I read quite a lot of articles regarding domestic violence in regards to the faith prospective. At times I realize that I get naïve thinking maybe things would get a little better once people decide to share their experiences. I read things and they point to getting in touch with your church, having your pastor and their resources help you. For goodness SAKES don’t go secular!

I think in some circumstances that’s just not wise!

I have been watching a story unfold recently. It started – for me anyway – on two very popular faith boards. It was a story of a married young woman with 2 small children. As in most stories of domestic violence I don’t think she saw it for what it was at first. We all have to have our realizations. I guess in the past she did have churches that told her that he needed help, and that he could be in danger of hurting himself or others. Steps were taken for the reconciliation, and then they had to move and it basically started all over again.

It ended with him having to leave the home after he attacked one of the children. Pictures were documents, and emails filled with venom with his justifications. Threats of cutting off personal communication with his children and all financial aid, because he needed some respect. The emails would make anyone’s hair curl.

The first faith board she went to she was threatened with posters calling CPS or Child Protective Services. She was chewed up and spit out on this faith board, and moderators sat back and watched. They never got involved. The husband had been removed from the home, and that would be the first step that CPS would have taken anyway. I never quite understood why the threats. The poster did the responsible thing, and reported the incident herself so I don’t understand why that wasn’t good enough.

The second faith board basically shut her up. Her thread went on for 10 pages as she recorded threats after threats that he was sending, and she was receiving replies of support. Conversations between the pastor and meetings with him as he basically attacked her in front of him, and at that point there was no more questions as to what the church was dealing with.

A call for a meeting with the Elders was next. Meanwhile, the man broke into the home and started to threaten her while she was on the phone with someone. I guess that person called the police, and the police told her she must get a restraining order. He also had to leave. The restraining order was granted as of now. Her thread was removed – disappeared – because they felt it was getting too personal.

They would possibly ‘revisit’ it if she could get a note from her pastor stating she needed this, and they would have to have a phone conference to discuss this as well. She is no longer allowed to discuss her personal situation, or mention any parts of her family on the board. She is welcome to reply to others if she wishes. Isn’t that nice?

The church has offered ‘spiritual’ support for this family. They will have no place to live soon, sounds like she needs to have the locks changed, has no resources or money of her own. She asked for a letter for her order of protection from the church stating they are helping with accountability, moral support, etc. The church basically told her they were not qualified to do that. Qualified? Hmm. I guess that is true. They have already informed her that they can offer no financial assistant, housing or anything else of substance.

I think people need to see this so they can understand WHY these women go secular, and WHY they also get killed! It’s too ugly for people to deal with. It doesn’t happen within the church. I’m not going to say all churches; organizations are like this, because they aren’t all like this.

There are enough of them, and article after article is thrown into the mix about how women need to learn to submit more.

It just burns me.

If a Christian Counselor, Pastors, Christian Mentors and others from the fellowship don’t do much in ways of help in the real world, and if online faith boards continue to shut this issue down. Where are these people supposed to go?

I’m so disgusted. YES there is way more to the story, and it’s as plain as the nose on anyone’s face what is happening. Don’t go secular – keep it within the Christian fold. Okay. We are waiting…….. now what? Does anyone else see what other options this family has? I’m at a lost myself.

I can’t recommend you go to Crosswalk or Family Life for support in these types of circumstances. Please use those avenues for other types of things. If your church can’t help please find one that will!

Don’t turn down secular help in the meanwhile; it maybe the only source of support you will get in real time!

Please pray for this family.

Please digg, stumble, etc if you feel this type of story needs to get out!

We need to break the silence within the church about domestic violence!

FROM:Emotional Abuse and Your Faith: Pastor, Faith Boards Online, and Church Community says NO HELP to Victim of Domestic Violence

Labels: child support, christians, churches, clueless, faith based, no help, order of protection

shared by Barbara at 12:26 AM 5 comments

Captive Hearts, Captive Minds

Freedom and Recovery from Cults and Abusive Relationships

By Madeleine L. Tobias and Janja Lalich

Chapter one excerpts - The Cultic Relationship.

Cults may be large or small. What defines them is not their size but their behavior.

In addition to the larger, more publicized cults, there are small cults of less than a dozen members who follow a particular "guru"; "family cults," where the head of the family uses deceptive and excessive persuasion and control techniques; and probably the least acknowledged, the one-on-one cult.

The one-on-one cult is a deliberately manipulative and exploitative intimate relationship between two persons, often involving physical abuse of the subordinate partner. In the one-on-one cult, which we call a cultic relationship, there is a significant power imbalance between the two participants. The stronger uses his (of her) influence to control, manipulate, abuse, and exploit the other. In essence the cultic relationship is a one-on-one version of the larger group. It may even be more intense than participation in a group cult since all the attention and abuse is focused on one person, often with more damaging consequences.

Many marriages or domestic partnerships where there is spousal abuse may be characterized and explained in this way. Other one-on-one cults may be found in boss/employee situations, in pastor/worshipper milieus, in therapist/client relationships, in jailor/prisoner or interrogator/suspect situations, and in teacher/student environments (including academic, artistic, and spiritual situations - for example, a school professor, a yoga master, a martial arts instructor, or an art mentor). It is our hope that those who have suffered such individualized abuse will find much in this book to identify with and use in healing their pain.

Since the upsurge of both public and professional interest in the issue of domestic violence, there has been some recognition to the link between mind control and battering. Men or women who batter their partners sometimes use manipulative techniques similar to those found in cults. The most common include "isolation and the provocation of fear; alternating kindness and threat to produce disequilibrium; the induction of guilt, self-blame, dependency, and learned helplessness." The degree to which these features are present in a relationship affects the intensity of control and allows the relationship to be labeled cultic.

The similarities between cultic devotion and the traumatic bonding that occurs between battered individuals and their abusers are striking. An abused partner is generally made to submit to the following types of behaviors:

* early verbal and/or physical dominance,
* isolation/imprisonment
* fear arousal and maintenance
* guilt induction
* contingent expressions of "love"
* enforced loyalty to the aggressor and self-denunciation
* promotion of powerlessness and helplessness
* pathological expressions of jealousy
* hope-instilling behaviors
* required secrecy

When psychological coercion and manipulative exploitation have been used in a one-on-one cultic relationship, the person leaving such a relationship faces issues similar to those encountered by someone leaving a cultic group.

(NOTE FROM SITE OWNER: Battering includes: verbal, emotional, psychological & financial abuse)

Labels: abuse, bonding, captive, control mind control, cultic, manipulation, trauma

shared by Barbara at 12:27 AM 1 comments

28 Signs of An Abuser

1. Unemployed or Underemployment.
Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.

2. Emotional Dependency.
Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.

3. High Investment in Marriage.
Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.

4. Boundaries.

Violates your personal space.
Intimidates you by getting too close.
Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.

5. Quick Involvement.

Sweeps you off your feet.
Love at first sight.
"You're the only one for me."
"I have to have you." "I think about you all day / all night"
Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged, sleeping together in less than 6 months or living together in less than 12 months.

6. Controlling Behavior.

Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long.
Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses.
Protective to the point of controlling.
Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares."
Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school. Won't let you drive.

7. Jealousy.Angry about your relationship with other men, women, coworkers, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

8. Abusive Family of Origin.
Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.

9. Low Self-Esteem.

Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho.
Pumps up his fragile sense of self with sex.
Imagines you threaten his manhood.
Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.

10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse.

Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high.
He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.

11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions.

Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately.
He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry.
He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
Blame Shifts; he's never responsible for what happens.

12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems.

Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim.
Blames you for everything that goes wrong.
Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you.
Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive or sexual- acting-out behavior.

13. Hypersensitivity.
Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.

14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.

15. Unrealistic Expectations.

Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need").
Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.

16. Rigid Gender Roles.

Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him.
Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs.
Speaks for you.
He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.

17. Rigid Religious Beliefs.Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

18. Disrespect for Women in General.

Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men
Tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes).
Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy
Sees women only as sex-objects, uses prostitutes or has affairs
De-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.

19. Emotional Abuse.

He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid"
curse and yell at you
belittle your accomplishments
manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics
humiliate you in private or public
Uses sarcasm and says it's 'humor.'
regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or
wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.

20. Isolation.

An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot.
Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car.
He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."

21. Reliance on Pornography.

Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives or other women often have an abundance of pornographic literature, internet bookmarks, magazines, or videos.
They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
They may coerce you into doing things sexually you are uncomfortable with or wouldn't normally do and then say that you "liked it" or "asked for it."

22. Sexual Abuse.

Refuses platonic relationship if dating
uses "playful" force in sex
uses sulking, sympathy or anger to manipulate you into having sex
emotionally coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex
demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or
starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.

23. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others.

Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, disabled weaker people or other women.
Is insensitive to others' pain.
Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you.
Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave.
Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you.
Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).

24. Past Violence.
Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).

25. Fascination with Weapons.
Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others. Tells you he knows how to kill someone and/or how to hide bodies; or that he has 'friends' who will 'take care of you'.

26. Threats of Violence.

Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously.
He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck" or "I'm out to get you now."
Posts threats or defamatory material about you on the internet.

27. Breaking or Striking Objects.

Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."

28. Any Force During an Argument.
Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning.

This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.

ONE OR TWO of these traits is ENOUGH to consider him ABUSIVE!

SOURCE

Labels: abuser, control, emotional rape, fights, rules, terrorism, traits

shared by Barbara at 12:05 AM 6 comments

Have They Really Changed?

(For "he" also read "she" if the abuser is female)

He says "I can't change unless you do." Which means that he's trying to get you to agree to give up your rights and freedoms in exchange for him not abusing you. Also stated as "I've changed, but you aren't changing";

"I'm not the only one who needs help". He tries to get sympathy from you, family members, and friends. He is still lying to you, the children, your family or other people about what he's done. He continues to attempt to cover up what he's done to you and the children. He won't acknowledge that it was wrong. He doesn't seem sorry that he did it, he only seems sorry that he has suffered some consequences for it.

He refuses to let the subject of his abuse come up or gets angry when it does.

He won't discuss his controlling behaviors and attitudes.

He still tries to deny it, minimize it, excuse it, or justify it.

Defends his behaviors

He insists you just get past it.

He plays victim. He says "How could you do this to me/my friends/my family?"

He still blames you for all the problems.

He is overly charming, always trying to remind you of all the good times you had together and ignore the bad.

He tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers. All while trying to convince you that you need to stay together to work it out.

He will not get help or He says he'll get counseling or other help, but never does. Or he does (for a SHORT period until you've calmed down) and tries to convince you that he's cured and you need to take him back now. "Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding." Or "I'm learning a lot from this program".

If a man is pressuring you this way, then as soon as he gets back in, he will most likely drop the program. This is why it's so critical, if you're considering taking him back, to watch his behaviors, to talk in depth, and to give it time.

Sometimes, instead of counseling they will suddenly claim to have found God; he goes to church/temple a few times or even regularly.

He cries and begs, they particularly like to do this in a public situation so that you are embarrassed and appear to be "cold hearted".

He does things to try to sabotage your efforts to make it on your own.

He harasses or stalks (covert or overt) you.

If you ask him for space or time, he refuses to allow you to have any and continues to make contact in any way he can. Or he ignores you completely and says YOU left him all alone.

Harassment by phone calls, threats, legal frustrations, showing up at work, hanging around family.

He continues to restrict your rights. He still behaves as if he's superior.

You aren't able to express yourself and speak freely.

He still demands constant attention, won't allow you to take care of your own needs.

He still picks at you and criticizes you, and ignores your strengths and contributions to the relationship. He doesn't support your independence, still refuses to acknowledge that you have rights.

He hangs on to double standards.

He is still denying you your fair share of the marital/partner assets, money.

He puts his wants and needs above yours.

He doesn't or won't recognize the damage he's done.

He gets angry with you over the consequences you've suffered over his abuse.

He's mad or seems confused as to why you fear him, don't trust him, are hurt, and angry.

He tries to get out of the consequences by trying to convince you that something's wrong with you for allowing him to have any consequences.

He behaves as if he's above reproach.

He claims that he would never hurt you, despite that he's done many things to hurt you.

He's mad that you left, instead of recognizing your right to have done so.

He still acts like you owe him.

He's impatient or critical with you for not forgiving him immediately, for not being satisfied with the changes he may have already made, especially if he hasn't made the changes you requested, or hasn't changed but claims he has.

He's only concerned with how hard the situation is for him, and no one else. He feels sorry for himself.

He doesn't show appropriate concern for how you and your children feel about what he's done.

Abuse does more than just hurt, it is damaging, and if he doesn't show appropriate concern for the damage he's done, then he hasn't changed.

He still does things that are inappropriate for an intimate relationship. Cheating, not including you in family decisions, hoarding all the marital assets - money, property, cars, stocks, bonds, etc. and won't allow you to have access to them.

He says he can only change if you help him, he wants emotional support and forgiveness, and give up your break from him. He says I'm changing but you can see that he's not.

He gets angry with you for not realizing how much he's changed.

He gets angry for not trusting that he's changed for good.

Abusive men often say I'm sorry then get mad if you don't immediately forget what they did, he thinks his sorry resolves the matter and it should be dropped and you should just move forward.

He pressures you into taking him back because he "can't wait forever".

He is rude about you to the children.

He threatens and tries to intimidate you. The next step of behavior if you don't stop trying to ask him to change is generally one of threats and attempts to intimidate. This will often include threats to attack family and friends, threats to kill you or "put out a contract on you." Threats that he will take the children away, get custody of them himself or see that they are taken from you; or threats to kill himself.

All signs that he has no intention of changing how he is. This is then his choice of how to live his life.

(not all of these need to present for you to worry - just ONE is enough!)

Labels: abuse, change, coercion, empathy, intimidation, remorse, threats

shared by Barbara at 12:55 AM 0 comments

When Bad People Do Good Things

Even bad people can sometimes behave well. That seems a strange twist on the idea of “good people behaving badly.” But it’s true. Even the skeeviest personality isn’t usually spending all day long exploiting everyone who enters his path.

Now this doesn’t mitigate his skeeviness one wit. But it’s also true that sociopaths aren’t always exploiting and mistreating others, all day long. They will be taking some time off, in different contexts, from their more unseemly behaviors.

And so sometimes, sociopaths can be nice, even very nice; sometimes they may extend themselves to others. Now we can question what motivates them when they are behaving well; probably, very often, their prosocial behaviors are driven by relatively shallow, if not manipulatively self-serving, motives.

Still, it’s fair to say that most sociopaths aren’t spending their lives 24/7 causing havoc to everyone around them; and it’s fair to suggest that, sometimes, if motivated to do so, they may even bring some cheer into others’ lives.

After all, we know these personalities can be charming and engaging; and that when they are, this isn’t necessarily, always an “act.” The sociopath can be genuinely charming and engaging, and he may enjoy, genuinely on some level, being charming and engaging.

In a sense I’m suggesting that not everything about even the sociopath is fraudulent; the sociopath, like anyone else, has genuine experiences, although we are right to question the depth of his experiences; and we are right to question his motives when he is behaving himself.

But to avoid confusion, my point is this: Beware! Do not rule-out sociopathy, or a similarly exploitative personality disturbance, simply because the individual is capable of behaving well sometimes, or even, alas, often.

To do so risks our missing the significance of the dangerous, always lurking curve-balls that the even sometimes well-behaved sociopath may throw at any time (predictably or not).

One may be tempted to think, “If he can behave this well, can he really be that bad?” The answer is, yes. He can behave, sometimes, this well, and yet really be that bad!

So while I’m not necessarily saying “don’t be fooled” by his better behaviors, which may (or may not) have a genuine component to them, I am suggesting the exercising of great caution not to let the sociopath’s better behaviors distract you one bit from giving full weight to, and appreciation of, his destructive behaviors.

The latter should not be regarded as one bit less menacing and forbidding by virtue of his capacity to display the former.

(This article is copyrighted © 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. Use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes displayed.)

SOURCE

Labels: destructive, fake, good behavior, lies, mask of sanity, narcissist, pathological, psychopath, sociopath, sociopaths

shared by Barbara at 12:16 AM 0 comments

The Anti-Social Emotional Vampire Checklist

LISTENING TO THE CALL OF THE WILD:

True or false? Score one point for each true answer.

1. THIS PERSON BELIEVES THAT RULES WERE MADE TO BE BROKEN.

2. THIS PERSON IS ADEPT AT USING EXCUSES TO AVOID DOING WHAT HE OR SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO.

3. THIS PERSON HAS HAD LEGAL PROBLEMS.

4. THIS PERSON REGULARLY ENGAGES IN DANGEROUS ACTIVITIES FOR THEIR THRILL VALUE.

5. THIS PERSON CAN TURN ON BRILLIANT BURSTS OF CHARM TO GET HIS OR HER WAY.

6. THIS PERSON IS NOT VERY GOOD AT MANAGING HIS OR HER FINANCES.

7. THIS PERSON SMOKES WITHOUT APOLOGY.

8. THIS PERSON HAS ONE OR MORE OTHER ADDICTIONS.

9. THIS PERSON HAS HAD MORE SEX PARTNERS THAN MOST PEOPLE.

10. THIS PERSON SELDOM WORRIES.

11. THIS PERSON ACTUALLY BELIEVES THAT SOME PROBLEMS CAN BE SETTLED WITH A FIST FIGHT.

12. THIS PERSON SEES NO PROBLEM WITH LYING TO ACHIEVE A GOAL.

13. THIS PERSON JUSTIFIES DOING BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY WOULD DO IT TOO IF THEY HAD THE CHANCE.

14. THIS PERSON CAN CONSCIOUSLY THROW A TANTRUM TO GET HIS OR HER WAY.

15. THIS PERSON DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF LOOKING BEFORE YOU LEAP.

16. THIS PERSON BELIEVES IN HAVING FUN FIRST AND DOING THE WORK LATER.

17. THIS PERSON HAS BEEN FIRED FROM A JOB, OR HAS QUIT IMPULSIVELY.

18. THIS PERSON REFUSES TO COMPLY WITH ANY SORT OF DRESS CODE.

19. THIS PERSON REGULARLY MAKES PROMISES THAT HE OR SHE NEVER KEEPS.

20. DESPITE ALL THESE FAULTS, THIS PERSON IS STILL ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET.

Scoring: Five or more true answers qualifies the person as an Anti-Social Emotional Vampire, though not necessarily for a diagnosis of Anti-Social Personality. If the person scores higher than ten, hold onto your wallet, and your heart.

By ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D.

Labels: addiction, antisocial, liars, lies, manipulation, personality

shared by Barbara at 12:39 AM 1 comments

Inability to Apologize

Ever since the pioneering work of Klein (e.g., 1937), analysts have been interested in the process of reparation, with both internal and external objects. In a loving relationship perceived as temporarily damaged by one party's hunger or aggression, the (actual or fantasied) injuring party ordinarily seeks to restore the loving tone of the relationship. In adults, the usual vehicle is the apology.

What intrigues us about the reparation process when a narcissistic defense is operating is that what is repaired is not the damage to the relationship, but the subject's illusion of perfection. Narcissistically impelled people may be at least temporarily incapable of genuine expressions of remorse, because inherent in an apology is the admission that one is not needless and faultless. In characterological narcissism, this defect is sometimes embraced as a virtue, as in Woody Hayes's boast that he never apologized to anybody, or in the peculiar belief of Erich Segal's heroine that "Love is never having to say you're sorry." In less gross manifestations of narcissism, the avoidance of apology is much more subtle, much less visible to those who might legitimately expect some expression of sincere contrition. What a narcissistically defended person seems to do instead of apologizing is to attempt a repair of the grandiose self in the guise of making reparation with the object. We have identified several different ways that narcissistically motivated people tend to substitute some other kind of interpersonal transaction for an apology. For the party on the receiving end of such a transaction, it also becomes a problem to restore intimacy, since it is difficult to forgive in the absence of the other person's genuine remorse.

1. Undoing
When a narcissistically defended woman has inflicted some emotional injury upon her husband, instead of apologizing, she is likely to go out of her way later to be especially solicitous of him (initiating sex, making a special dinner, etc.). A father who has unfeelingly criticized a child may similarly avoid admitting his insensitivity but instead offer some attractive treat subsequent to his transgression. The object of the undoing can be expected to remain hurt, in the absence of an emotional expression of regret, and will suffer a natural reaction to the undoing that will lie somewhere between cold rejection and grudging acquiescence. If neither party can articulate the difference between making real emotional reparation to the object and engaging in the defense of undoing, they will both be further estranged by these operations. The undoing party will feel affronted and resentful that his or her ministrations are not appreciated, while the injured person may suffer attacks of self-criticism for an inability to forgive, forget, and warm up to the partner. Both people wind up lonelier than they were previously.

2. Appealing to Good Intentions
People who are engaged in defending their internal grandiosity may become adept at giving ostensible apologies that really amount to self-justifications. Narcissistically driven people do not seem to understand that saying one is sorry represents an expression of empathy with the injured party irrespective of whether the hurt was intentional or avoidable. The woman who is kept waiting and worrying when her husband is late coming home will feel immediately forgiving if he expresses genuine sorrow that she has suffered on his account. In narcissistically defensive states, however, people seem to go by the general rule that such expressions of sympathy and regret are called for only if they were "at fault" in some way. Thus, the tardy husband meets his wife's anxious greeting with, "It wasn't my fault; there was a traffic jam," communicating not remorse but resentment of her distress and rejection of its validity.

The organizing, overriding issue for people with narcissistic preoccupations is the preservation of their internal sense of self-cohesiveness or self-approval, not the quality of their relations with other people. As a result, when they feel their imperfections have been exposed, the pressing question for them is the repair of their inner self-concept, not the mending of the feelings of those in their external world (cf. Stolorow's [1979b] definitions of narcissism). They are consequently likely, in a state of defensiveness about exposed faults, to protest that they meant to do the right thing, as if the purity of their inner state is the pertinent issue - to others as well as to themselves.

One of our patients described how her close friend had failed to send her a wedding present. When she admitted her disappointment, the friend replied, "Gee, I meant to get you something - I even had a gift in mind, and I don't know why I didn't get to it." This was offered as if it were an exonerating explanation; interestingly, the woman never did buy a gift, even (or perhaps especially) in light of the explicit expression of its significance to her friend. This seemingly odd perseverance in a breach of etiquette might be explained by the observation that the rectification of an error is an admission that an error has in fact occurred. If one displaces the issue to the area of intention an error has in fact occurred. If one displaces the issue to the area of intention, an error has not occurred, since one's intentions were faultless.

3. Explaining
A related substitute for apologizing is the practice of explaining. Unless the listener is particularly sensitive, an explanation can sound remarkably like an apology. In fact, a relationship between two people is apt to go on a considerable length of time before the party on the receiving end of explanations begins to feel a bothersome absence of genuine contrition in the other. The advantage of the explanation to the person protecting a grandiose self is that it avoids both asking for something (forgiveness) and admitting to a sphere of personal responsibility that includes the risk of inevitable shortcoming. Hence, the illusion of personal needlessness and guiltlessness is maintained. "I would have visited you in the hospital but my schedule got really crazy," or "I must've forgotten your birthday because it came right on the heels of my vacation this year," or "Your dog just ran in front of my car and I couldn't stop fast enough" are the kinds of apology-substitutes that may appear to connote remorse, but actually stop short of expressing sorrow and making emotional reparation.

A special case of the explanation sans apology is that of the person who has become adroit in offering his or her psychodynamics as explanatory, exculpating principles behind behavior that is remiss. "Maybe I was acting out my envy," or "I wonder if I did that because I'm going through an anniversary reaction to my sister's death," or "I must have been feeling unconsciously hostile toward you because you remind me of my father" are the kinds of nonapologies typically offered by the psychoanalytically sophisticated when protecting a grandiose self-concept. Evidence that a genuine apology has not been made can be found in the state of mind of the recipient of such commentaries: explanations without apology produce either pained confusion, or understanding without warmth. Because the explainer is defending his or her action to an internal critic who expects perfection, the listener often ends up, because of being the target of a projective-identification process, feeling inarticulately critical.

4. Recriminating
We have noticed the tendency for narcissistically vulnerable people to engage in a kind of ritual self-castigation in the wake of an undeniable or unrationalizable failing toward someone. This is a process even more elusive than explaining, and harder to distinguish from true apologizing. This recrimination is expressed to witnesses and objects of the transgression with the implicit invitation that the transgressor should be reassured that despite the lapse, he or she is really fine (i.e., perfect or perfectable), after all. In the case of a person with a narcissistic character disorder, recrimination is probably as close as he or she ever comes to apologizing, and is doubtless believed to constitute sorrow and reparation.

A special case of the explanation sans apology is that of the person who has become adroit in offering his or her psychodynamics as explanatory, exculpating principles behind behavior that is remiss. "Maybe I was acting out my envy," or "I wonder if I did that because I'm going through an anniversary reaction to my sister's death," or "I must have been feeling unconsciously hostile toward you because you remind me of my father" are kinds of nonapologies typically offered by the psychoanalytically sophisticated when protecting a grandiose self-concept. Evidence that a genuine apology has not been made can be found in the state of mind of the recipient of such commentaries: explanations without apology produce either pained confusion , or understanding without warmth. Because the explainer is defending his or her action to an internal critic who expects perfection, the listener often ends up, because of being the target of a projective-identification process, feeling inarticulately critical.

5. Deflecting Blame
The readiness of narcissistically vulnerable people to convey criticism is equaled only by their resistance to assimilating it. Frequently, they seem to have mastered the art of deflecting blame. As an example of this dynamic, let us consider the familiar situation of supervising a narcissistically preoccupied trainee in psychotherapy. If narcissistic patients are hard to treat (as is their reputation), narcissistic supervisees seem even harder to supervise. Except in certain phases of idealization of the supervisor, they react to honest feedback about their shortcomings and limits not just with defensiveness - a natural and universal response - but with a particular kind of defense: the effort to share their "badness" with the supervisor.

When the mentor has failed to support the grandiose self of a narcissistically impelled student, he or she can count on paying for it. A response to the effect of "I'll confess that I acted that out, but I think you have your part in this, too," is typical. And the supervisee is often right, or has a piece of the truth at least, but in such cases, the content of the criticism of the supervisor is usually not the point. The process boils down to: "I feel mortified that you saw a limitation in me because I aspire to perfection. You probably aspire to perfection, too, or should, so I'll point out that you haven't yet reached it, either." The supervisee thus perpetuates the false premise that perfect self-sufficiency is a legitimate goal. It seems not to occur to a narcissistically motivated person that comfort with imperfection might be both the supervisor's attitude toward his or her own work, and the attitude the supervisor wishes to instill in the trainee.

Several years ago, one of us worked with a brilliant, attractive, talented, and quite grandiose analyst-in-training. For about a year, the atmosphere of the supervision was delightful, as both parties engaged in what amounted to a folie a deux of mutual idealization. The supervisor, out of her own narcissistic pathology, joined this man believing that reported problems with previous supervisors derived from his having been insufficiently appreciated by, or even having been felt as threatening to, these therapists. Then he sought her collusion in overreporting his hours of control analysis to the institute. (He believed that he had had so much equivalent training that his background fulfilled the "spirit" if not the letter of the training provisions, and that the particulars of the program requirements were needlessly stringent.) She refused. He abruptly devalued her, as he had his previous instructors, but since it was in his interest to maintain the relationship until he had passed a Case Presentation requirement, he stayed in supervision. When she tried to make ego-alien his narcissistic entitlement, he accused her of acting out all kinds of unpleasant dynamics, including having contributed to his expectation of special favors by her prior warmth and support, which he now labeled seductive and transferential. He was, of course, right to a considerable extent, as narcissistically defensive people, with their hypervigilant sensitivity to others, often are.

He somehow structured the psychological situation as follows: "If you deny your part in the dynamic, you are self-deluded and therefore not worth listening to; if you admit it, you and I can lament your shortcomings together, construe my actions as responsive to your mistakes, and avoid looking at my own problems." It is very difficult to turn this bind into a learning situation for the trainee. We have seen examples of narcissistically preoccupied analysts-in-training who, by structuring their experience of supervision this way, develop a set of quite prescient beliefs about each of their teachers' dynamics, with no observable growth in their comprehension of their own.

from: Narcissistic Pathology of Everyday Life: The Denial of Remorse and Gratitude; Nancy McWilliams, Ph.D. and Stanley Lependorf, Ph.D.

Labels: apologize, explaining, inability, intention, narcissism, reparation

shared by Barbara at 12:42 AM 2 comments

Devaluation

The Slippery Slope (B.P.D.)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has at its root distorted cognitive interpretations. There is a propensity toward negative perception. This negative perception is aroused and or triggered by any number of things that take borderlines emotionally back to the unmet needs and the pain that sits there until faced, felt and healed.

One very central way to change this cycle of being triggered and then sliding (often subsconsiously) into cognitive distortions which that can lead to acting out and over-all child-like behaviour, demanding, push/pull, self-harm, feelings of rejection or abandonment to name just a few is to learn how to recognize and stop borderline devalution.

Devaluation is the lessening of someone or something. It often results from triggered-distorted thinking. It often takes the shape of negative, judgmental, critical and angry conclusions drawn in relation to someone in the here and now that has come to represent someone in one's past. It is yet another facet or extension of borderline-narcissism.

When one begins this cycle of devaluation there is great reason for concern. It is a slippery slope from the mental exercise of devaluation to behavioural reality of aggression or passive-agression. When one is devaluing another person who that person is gets blurred. It then gets easier to value one's own narcissistic and selfish expression which will over-ride the reality of the other person's entity.

In the act of devaluing borderline's often misinterpret reality as if events that have occurred are a conspiracy against them or are happening just to them and being done by others on purpose. This is a prime example of narcissism in action.

An example of devaluation:

You are with a friend who has helped you out a lot and who you believe cares about you. You like this person most of the time. Though there are those times when you think that they think (projection) that you are "less than". Your friend decides to change his/her mind about something that they had promised to do with you. Rather than just accept that at face value and accept his/her reason you suspect that it has more to do with you. You suspect and come to believe that they are doing something to you on purpose to hurt you. Chances are that the change in plans your friend has made has nothing at all to do with you. Here is the critical area in which you need to stop the cycle of devaluation before it starts.

If you get into devaluation it will begin with the thought that your friend is not being honest with you. It will proceed to your believing they really don't like you anyway. Then the next thought would be that they don't care about you so why should you care about them. Anger sets in as you feel hurt but don't deal with that. Next thing you know, this friend that you wanted to go to a movie with now seems like some stranger you've never known. The reason has nothing to do with him/her. The reason that your friend now seems like a stranger is because you have projected so much of yourself on to him/her that you are not seeing them anymore. So, in essence then, this devaluation of another person, is really an extension of your own self-hatred and how undeserving you feel. And all it takes to activate this trigger in the average borderline is a slight change of plan or routine that leaves anything in the borderline's experience feeling unpredictable or out of control.

It is when you devalue, and react to others as an extension of yourself (narcissistically), that the slippery slope sees you sliding down the triggered-reality toward what is tantamount to illusion and distorted thoughts. Any action that you act on that results from that illusion or those distorted thoughts has a great chance of being very damaging in any relationship. It will be experienced as controlling, manipulating and or punishing by the person on the other end of your devaluation of them. If you are unaware of the effect that you are having on others and if you are unable to take personal responsibility for the unfolding of this devaluing dynamic the chances are good then that you will feel rejected, and or abandoned, not understand why and then escalate your negative and controlling behaviour/defence mechanisms which will then only further alienate others from you.

Devaluation of others is a slippery-slope because it quickly leads to patterned responses from your past crowding into your relationships in the present. When you come to understand what devaluing others costs you, you may then decide that it is a cycle worth stopping. When you start your slide down that slippery slope it can be difficult to stop yourself before you have done a lot of damage to yourself and others and before you end up at the bottom of that cycle yet again.

No deserves to be devalued. When one is able to devalue another it dehumanizes them and leads to an inability to respect. This is often the precursor to violence.

There are thought-patterns which occur in patterned ways in each and every devaluing episode. The key thing is to learn what they are and how to recognize them. The way to stop them is to work through them and understand what they are attached to from your past. The best way to not fall into the pattern of devaluation is to remind yourself that everything is NOT about you. If you find yourself about to devalue someone just tell yourself to STOP. Just saying STOP can help you re-focus your thoughts elsewhere.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

Labels: borderline, bpd, devaluation, emotional abuse, negative, verbal abuse

shared by Barbara at 12:19 AM 2 comments

Sex Addiction & Spousal Abuse

Sexual Addiction is not Just about Sex, its also about Spousal Abuse

Shelly Marshall thought nothing in the addictions could shock her, until she stumbled on her husband’s secret life.

Patrick Carnes , Ph.D., author of Out of the Shadows, and I have appeared on the same seminar roster more than once. Having faced some controversy in my own work with adolescent addiction, I considered him brave for broaching such a controversial topic as sexual addiction. Yet, while considering Dr. Carnes courageous, I thought sexual addiction was a narrow problem pertaining to a few isolated deviants. I felt sorry for his patients, never entertaining the thought that the problem may some day be mine.

My husband, Bob, and I met in a 12- step recovery program. He was the man of my dreams. No matter what happened, we promised each other, our marriage would be run on the same principles responsible for our recovery—honesty, integrity, and service to others. “I have never been unfaithful to a woman,” Bob assured me, “and I will never be unfaithful to you.” The conviction in his voice warmed my heart and fed my arrogance at marrying such a virtuous man.

I stumbled upon his secret life
Almost to the day of our four year anniversary, I stumbled upon his secret life. Innocently double-clicking a jpeg image on our computer, it revealed my husband having intercourse with a woman on our couch! I gasped. The next double-click revealed a different woman in oral sex with my husband. The third contained a buxom and grinning blond on our yard in a rancorous sexual encounter with Bob.

“I will never be unfaithful to you,” rang through my ears. Because of his moral convictions and our commitment to 12-step principles, this was a crushing blow. What I didn’t know then, but would discover in Out of the Shadows, is that “the addict’s protestations of high sexual morality are like a smoke screen, obscuring the impact of sexual obsession.” Later, I would blame myself for not catching the warning signs during our courtship. Carnes response: “Friends and family tend to reject suspicions of sexual compulsivity because of the addict’s ‘values.’”

My husband changed overnight
From the first day of the honeymoon, my husband changed into a callus, angry stranger. And as a woman in love and a human service professional, I believed I could change him back. It seemed though, the harder I tried to make life good, the more unhappy Bob became. Although he never hit me, his abuse was in the form of constant unrelenting anger and criticism. Worse than my struggle to retain some sense of self-worth under the barrage, was the fact that he didn’t seem to realize I was a person. We did not connect. We were not friends. He made me an enemy.

The crisis that sent us to counseling came after we had spent thousands on keeping his ex-wife from moving his son out of state. Bob screamed at me, “You’re putting too much stress on me. You keep asking me questions and preparing papers and maybe I don’t really want my son living with us.” Since Bob demanded we fight for custody, since he was the one who screamed and threatened his ex-wife, since I was only playing a supportive role in his battle, what was he blaming me for?

In a rare moment of honesty, my husband broke down, sobbing, “If someone else lives with us, it will change things and I won’t be able to be comfortable, like walk around nude and things.” I focused on Bob’s outburst with me when the real red flag was a father not wanting his son because he wouldn’t be able to walk around nude.

In counseling I was told to concentrate on me
In counseling, I was told to concentrate on me and my co-dependency, not my husband. “Stop “fixing” him and take care of myself,” Dr. Beffa instructed. He explained where Bob ended and I began, defined boundaries, and insisted I not accept unacceptable behavior. After blowing up in a session, Bob quit counseling, “because I’m not going to sit there and listen to how everything is my fault.”

As I improved in counseling, refusing to accept his abuse, Bob went downhill emotionally, “Well, I guess you found me out. I’m crazy.”

Strangely, I didn’t catch that he was trying to tell me something. Instead, my efforts centered on not being Miss Co-dependent. “I don’t think you’re crazy but if you do, go to a psychiatrist.” The psychiatrist put him on medicine and our lives changed overnight. The all pervasive anger, criticism, and blame seemed to melt away, making it appear as if our marriage might have a chance after all. Bob began therapy for himself! Had his problem been a brain chemistry imbalance all along?

Just as my husband went on meds, our neighbor, Jean, approached me, “I wouldn’t normally say anything but we all are fed up with your husband running around nude and riding the lawn mower naked. My granddaughter, Amanda, comes over now and asks about ‘that naked man’ next door.”

He denied it, accused them of lying, then claimed, “They just didn’t see my skimpy pants.” And promised to be more careful about something he maintained wasn’t happening.

Even though his anger stopped, we could not connect
Life came to a standstill. While Bob controlled his anger and I worked on me, not him, we still could not connect. My gut told me something was wrong. Was he drinking, smoking pot? Finally, I dropped to my knees, “God, something is wrong with my marriage and I don’t know what. If it be your will, please reveal it.”

The computer screen in front of me answered that prayer. A cursory search revealed, among other things, that my husband had photographed himself nude in our yard, found naked women on the internet, and digitally blended the images into them having sex. I was sick. What did it mean?

As a professional, I consulted other professionals before confronting him. The support groups I found online, the work of Patrick Carnes, the co-sex addict’s literature, and our counselor made the implications clear. My husband showed clear signs of exhibitionism. A form of sex addiction.

I had always thought that sex addicts were people who couldn’t stop having sex—like nymphomaniacs. But sexual addiction (SA) is far more prevalent than I had imagined and many sex addicts are technically faithful to their spouses. Brenda Schaeffer writes on her website of Love Addiction, “Sexual addiction is a sickness involving any type of uncontrollable sexual activity that results in negative consequences.”

Is he really a sex addict?
Not wanting to believe the implications, I asked my support group coach, is he really an addict? Jonathan Marsh, founder of understandingsexualaddiction.org (not up now) responded:

Your situation is actually more clear cut than most. Behaviors like, "...taking pics of himself in our yard in all kinds of positions, cutting and pasting himself in with nudes from the internet!.... Did a film of himself M-Bing in our yard...won't let folks live with us so he can walk around nude... neighbor's 'inadvertently' seeing him in the nude...took a wedding pic of a friend of ours and digitally made her nude --then contacted her when I was on a business trip..."

These are all classic patterns of sexual addiction. That he justifies his behavior (rather than considering that it might indeed be inappropriate) is yet another sign.

Hold your head up high...ask any and all questions that may help you deal with this situation. You may not find the answers you want, but at least you will have asked the questions openly and courageously.

Why didn't I see the warning signs?
After the shock, shame set in. I am a professional; why didn’t I see the warning signs? One of the women in my support group wrote, “You will begin to remember numerous behaviors that you will now see as red flags, but what you are not going to do is beat yourself up for not recognizing them.”

During our courtship, I recalled him nude sunbathing below two story townhouses and assuring me, “no one can see.” He seemed especially flattered that his gay neighbor spied on him and gave him a box of Poppycock for Christmas. Bob pressured me to make love in chancy places outdoors or in rooms with no curtains. He took nude snapshots of himself frequently, framed them, made cards and gave them to me. I thought it was a guy thing. Later, I would discover that his “flashing” was the talk of other neighbors in a former town we lived in.

The more insidious red flags are what destroyed our marriage. SAs are overly self-absorbed, objectify their partners, and have trouble achieving intimacy. Many SAs have anger issues and blame their spouses for their unhappiness. I came to understand that all the work we had done in therapy meant little because we never addressed the core problem, his sexual obsessions. My co-dependency only exacerbated the underlying sickness in our marriage.

Accepting the fact that I, an addiction specialist, married an addict without seeing the glaring red flags, has not been easy. Learning to overcome my need to “fix” my spouse and accept the fact that I am powerless in the face of his illness has been harder. Sometimes I think that if I had been just a little more co-dependent, I would still be married. At weak moments, I regret asking all those “courageous questions” that Jonathan Marsh spoke of. When I set my boundary for dealing with this devastating addiction my husband chose divorce, an easier softer path, I suppose. What he said was, “You wouldn’t stand by me.” But the truth is, I stood by myself.

You Are A Target

Labels: denial, lies, sex addiction, spousal abuse, values

shared by Barbara at 12:59 AM 6 comments

Are Women Really That Gullible?

Overtly lacking in today's women's programs,
self help seminars and counseling are:

The outright names of dangerous diagnoses
The labeling of specific dangerous behaviors including behavior that is not physically violent.
And the teaching of why dangerousness can not be treated or CURED.

Most women cannot cite any elements that make a man 'incurable.' They don't understand that the issue of dangerousness is based on a person's inability to grow or change.

And furthermore, they do not know what 'an inability to grow or change' looks like or acts like.

No wonder record amounts of women are or have been in as many as four to five dangerous man relationships before they changed their patterns. Often the only reason change came at all was because of extreme violence and subsequent near death injuries, or death itself.

Sadly enough, once a woman has dated one dangerous man her chances of dating even more dramatically increase. This is because one of the notable side effects of dating pathologically dangerous men is that women begin to normalize abnormal behavior until dangerous men look normal and are the only types of men they date.

Even more concerning, women will adapt their OWN behaviors to the pathologically ill man so that his behaviors are less disturbing to her. The result is often an increase in the use of negative coping styles which allows her to deny, justify, minimize or in any other way ignore or discount dangerous behavior.

The longer women date dangerous men, the more dangerous her choices become.

SOURCE

Labels: adapt, dangerous, denial, gullible, naive, narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, women

shared by Barbara at 12:27 AM 0 comments

Lies Abusers Tell Their Victims

The following is a long list of lies, threats, and insane statements that abusers make in order to keep their victims in line, and in order to keep the blame away from themselves and the abuse cycle going. Note that many of the following do in fact happen -- threats of violence are often carried out, sometimes the police do come, and so on. Sometimes, lies do come true, for victims of abuse.

You're just taking it wrong.

I wouldn't hit you if you weren't so bad.

We could make this relationship great if only you would work harder.

You made me lie by not making it easy to tell the truth.

I only lied to you because I knew you'd be hurt if you found out the truth.

Your mother/sister/My wife won't give me this, and I/men need it.

If you tell anyone about this, I will stop giving your mother her child support and you/she will be homeless and starving.

If you tell, the police will come and take me away.

This is normal in Europe -- I'm doing this so you can be more sophisticated than your peers.

If you don't, I'll do it to your sister/brother.

You know you like it; what are you trying to get from me by resisting?

You're really tense; I can help you relax.

Let me make you feel better.

This is how you show love to people.

Children have to do what their parents tell them.

All [insert your least favorite group here] are going to hell.

If you can be sexy enough men will like you and you can go far in life.

You can make a lot of money as a prostitute.

All you're interested in is sex. That's all that most (teen-agers/women/men) are interested in.

You're not good for anything else anyways so you might as well use what you are good at.

You own nothing, not even yourself. In my house, you are mine.

Your asking not to be touched isn't a good reason for me not to touch you.

In my house you will do what I want you to.

If you tell, I'll kill your cat/child/mother/friend/coworker.

I bought you X, but you owe me because you didn't earn it.

You will ruin our lives.

You're going to be the death of me.

You're going to grieve the loss after I leave you, but not the loss of love -- you're going to feel the loss a junkie feels when she can't get a hit.

I'm finally committed to you. That's why I have to leave you.

I can't live without you.

I know you better than you know yourself.

I was/am the parent/spouse/teacher/authority figure; therefore I know better than you.

This is going to kill your mother/father/teacher.

If you do this, nobody will ever talk to you again.

Your mother/father/sister/spouse wouldn't understand.

You're special, and this is our special secret.

Only true "friends" can be like this.

This is going to teach you about how to handle those horny teenage boys/girls who will be after you.

I have no one else to talk to.

You're the only one who really loves me.

You're too sensitive. I'm sick of you being so hypersensitive all the time!

Why are you so negative?

You're not sorry. If you were sorry, you wouldn't have said it.

You're bad. You're worthless. You're ugly.

You shouldn't feel that way. You shouldn't think that way.

I never did that. It never happened. You're just making it up.

Up to you. If you want to.

I can't believe how selfish you are.

You're self-centered, lazy, and irresponsible.

You shouldn't let it bother you.

That's just the way your [abuser] is. You shouldn't let them bother you.

I'm sick. I need help.

You know I love you/ have feelings for you/ care about you.

What are you mad at me for? I stopped drinking/beating you/abusing drugs, didn't I? What else do I need to do?

I wouldn't tease you if I didn't love you so much.

For a smart person, you sure do some dumb things.

You just remember what you want to remember.

Don't talk about your experience with my drinking/drug use/abuse/sex addiction because it will embarrass me.

Don't tell anyone about this. It's our little secret.

I'll kill you if you tell.

If you tell my spouse/significant other about us, he/she will kill themselves. And it will be your fault.

You'd be a lot prettier if you wore makeup.

You'd be a lot nicer if you weren't such a bitch.

He/She/They are lying/making it up/planted that stuff you found. They are jealous and want to ruin what we have.

I wouldn't do this to you if you weren't such a dirty, bad little girl/boy.

I wouldn't do this to you if you didn't like it.

You're a slut.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself!!
(NOTE: This is one of the most deadly things a person can ever say to a child.)

You only get what you deserve.

You have to forgive your abuser. You have to forgive me. It'll do you good if you forgive me. That's really the best thing for you.

I only have your best interests at heart.

This hurts me more than it hurts you.

Why are you so stupid? Why are you so snotty? Why are you so hard to get along with?

Why are you so [insert random meaningless accusation here]??

That's not what you meant. I know what you really meant.

You're overdramatic. You're obsessed.

You made me mad. You provoked me. You made me do it.

I'm not going to talk to you until you apologize.

Your feelings aren't important. Your opinions don't matter. I'm the only one who can be right. I'm the only one who can have feelings and opinions. I'm the only one who counts.

I never treated you that way. You imagined it. You had a wonderful childhood /adolescence/marriage/relationship.

You shouldn't feel like you were abused, because we gave you everything. You're so ungrateful. For all I have to put up with...

You're antagonistic. You're argumentative. You have a way of making people angry.

I can't be nice to you because it wouldn't work.

I can't ask you politely to do something because you wouldn't do it.

You never... You always...

You're just overreacting. You're just making a big deal out of nothing.

You're rude. You're uncooperative. You're unkind. You're just not a very nice person.

Boys don't cry.

Nice girls don't dress that way/have sex/yell/go anywhere alone.

Never hurt anyone's feelings. If you do, you're bad.

Go to therapy as long as you like, but when will you be done?

If you talk about your feelings, you're just whining. That's all they do in those support groups, anyway. They just sit around wallowing in self-pity.

Friends can't be trusted. Your friends are evil.

You're not sensible. You don't think things through.

You're ridiculous. Where did you get that crazy idea?!

Did [random suspect person] put you up to this?!

You're the Good Daughter/Wife/Girlfriend.

You're the Bad Daughter/Wife/Girlfriend.

You just need to try harder. You just need to stop letting your feelings get hurt.

Of course I love you. I wouldn't do this to you if I didn't love you.

Just because I have other partners doesn't mean I'm cheating on you.

Go ahead. Go out with your friends... and leave your family home alone!

You only like history because you're obsessed with the past. Why can't you look to the future, like me?

What's wrong with you?

You don't deserve to be forgiven. I only treat you like this because you deserve it.

I wouldn't treat you this way if you didn't need discipline.

I wouldn't keep dumping you if I didn't have to. I wouldn't keep dumping you if you didn't hurt me so much.

I wouldn't have left you if you weren't so awful.

I'd treat you better if you just tried harder.

It hurts me to love you.

I'm only doing this for your own good.

excerpted source

Labels: abusers, addiction, adult children of narcissists, blame shifting, coercion, emotional, evil. predators, lies, psychopath, sexual, verbal abuse

shared by Barbara at 12:15 AM 1 comments

Victim Blaming & Control

On victim-blaming and control

It's virtually a law of Internet discussion that any conversation about rape & abuse will turn into a debate about the need for women to keep themselves safe. The attitude that women have the responsibility to protect themselves from abuse is, at the most generous reading, an uncritical acceptance of the idea that men cannot be prevented from raping. At its worst, it is yet another example of the way society makes women responsible for anything men dislike. And all the while, there is no acknowledgement that this is just the mechanism by which sexist men can benefit from rape without themselves committing it.

That women are sexual beyond the ways men wish them to be disturbs a certain kind of man. The fears that once kept female sexuality in check are gradually being eroded by social change and medical advances: fear of ostracism, fear of disease, fear of unwanted pregnancy. But fear of rape remains, and it can be a powerful weapon.

There was one piece of fall-out from the paratrooper incident that I didn't mention. A family member learned that I'd gone back to the camp with a couple of men for sex. He had no reason to think anything non-consensual had happened, but he was horrified all the same. He told me that my behaviour was disgusting and that I should be ashamed of myself. Friends and other family members defended his attitude by pointing out what many people in the other thread pointed out - that I'd put myself at quite some risk.

That explanation failed to convince me. Disgust and shame are appropriate responses to moral wrongdoing, not foolhardy risk-taking. He was horrified that I'd allowed myself to be sexual in an unapproved way; the risk of rape was a justification, not his true motivation.

It shocks some people that I want sex and don't want to submit to male authority. It shocks them even more that these two desires outweigh my fear of rape, so that I dare to gratify both by picking up paratroopers in a pub. The "prudent" suggestions for keeping myself safe always boil down to giving up sex (or at least, the kind of sex I'm interested in) or submitting to male authority.

These "solutions" might well have no effect on my risk of being raped. But even if they were guaranteed to protect me from all risk, they wouldn't be worth it. I think I'd rather be raped than spend the rest of my life turning aside from what I wanted and settling for something less. I know I'd rather take risks than allow fear of rape to control my expression of my sexuality.

In my ideal world, men would not be tempted to commit rape. Sexual encounters would be handled with negotiation, not with one partner's insistence on getting what he wants at the expense of another. Men would respect the desires of women to control what happens to their bodies, whether they've known each other for ten minutes or ten years.

And in my ideal world, the fear of rape could not be used as a justification for slut-shaming.

Posted by Nick Kiddle at Alas, a Blog

Labels: abuse, blame the victim, control, defense, rape, sexual assault

shared by Barbara at 12:19 AM 5 comments