Sanctuary for the Abused
Wednesday, November 24, 2021
Gaslighting
Gaslighting
(from Games Abusers Play at Cosmicwalk)
This term comes from a 40's movie called "Gaslight" about a man who plays mind games with his wife to convince her that she is losing her mind. It's a really simple game but an extremely effective way to gain mental control over someone because it causes them to question their own judgment and sense of reality.
Perhaps you suddenly start misplacing and losing things far more frequently than you ever have before. You are absolutely certain that you put the keys on the cupboard, but they're not there. It throws you off balance because you always put them on the cupboard and can't understand why you would have put them somewhere else. After much anxious searching, you finally find them in the most unlikely place. - Even now you have no recall of putting them there, perhaps you don't even remember entering this room after coming home.
This can happen to us sometimes, but gaslighting is when we did not misplace the keys in the first place. They were moved and we were made to believe that we had misplaced them.
Another example is that you start getting things wrong. You're supposed to meet darling bully at your favourite restaurant for dinner. You plan it well to make sure that you arrive exactly at 7pm as agreed. Now this can go a number of ways:
He is standing waiting and in a foul mood because you are so late, insisting that he told you to be there at 6:30. You are absolutely convinced that he said 7.There are many variations on the theme and they can sometimes get quite elaborate, with various details built in to make it more certain that you were the one who misunderstood. The added detail adds plausibility to his version and makes it seem more likely that you are the one who got it wrong.
He is not there and you wait and wait. He finally arrives at 7:30, insisting that this is the time he told you to meet him. As with the prior situation, you are convinced he said 7.
He is not there and you wait and wait. Finally you get a call asking you where you are. He insists that he had told you to meet him at the other restaurant. You are convinced he said this one.
Gaslighting is a game that can be played in a number of different ways and the key factor is that you begin to question yourself and feel as if you are losing your mind.
The initiator can do this to you for one of two reasons: because they find it entertaining to watch somebody getting distressed or because they are deliberately trying to make you and other people doubt yourself - and ultimately your sanity - as a strategic move.
The desired end result could be anything from simply having power over you to a deliberate preparation for a child custody battle.
Labels: abuse, cognitive dissonance, games, gaslighting, judgment, manipulation, narcissist, psychopath, reality, sociopath
4 Comments:
Gaslighting, framing, projecting, are all inherent traits to one who has the brain functioning of a psychopath. It's both grotesque and amazing to see once you know what it is. And it all means nothing to a psychopath. Nothing but the thrill they get in the moment, then they must be on to their next thrill. The victim/target may end up mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially and physically destroyed with very few who even believe her/him.
Mri's checking for psychopathy should be available to all so we have a chance to check for this BEFORE we start a relationship of any kind (business, romantic etc.). And psychopathy awareness needs to be taught to ALL just as we teach all psychology.
Every word you say, every movement you make in the presence of a psychopath is recorded in the psychopaths brain and he's already got things "earmarked" if he needs to use it for different reasons. How does this look? If you pay the bills on time, every time, you can be "neurotic" about it or it's the LEAST you can do as psychopath makes the money. We had an 820 credit score with no debt and psychopath said it was because we had lived overseas, didn't own a home etc. I was so naive that I believed him. It was only after he ran us into HUGE financial ruin that I looked it up on-line and saw just how rare this was. He then tried to tell me it was NOT rare.
Just remember, like the Bible says Psalm 5:9 "Not a word from their mouth can be trusted; their heart is filled with destruction. Their throat is an open grave; with their tongue they speak deceit." And then John 8:44 "...for there is no truth in him..."
Part 1: I am so happy to have found this site! I am not alone, not crazy. This is really real. My Husband does / has done all these things!!!! It is still hard for me to believe and I still feel so stunned by it all.
He prepared for his divorce for years with gaslighting and even going to my Christian church and men's groups (he is Jewish). He is very charming and everyone loves him - family, friends, church. The church thought he as their next big conversion project. Only a few realized things did not add up and confided in me. He is very charming, outgoing and high energy.
In fact his energy level is uncommon, but he tried to make me look lazy for needing 8-9 hours of sleep at night.
I started thinking his gaslighting was simply insensitive behavior, then I thought it was abusive behavior, but now I know it was all-intentional for his divorce prep.
He lied about finances all during our marriage by saying we could not afford anything: more children, no private school, no homeschool, could not afford to buy a home, etc. I was on an allowance and had no access to any accounts. After I found out he filed the divorce I learned that he saved $700,000 during our six years, received two major promotions, and constantly belittled and berated me and withheld all physical affection and intercourse during entire marriage (I got pregnant before marriage).
He spent our whole marriage making me think that because I bought organic groceries with my allowance and waldorf inspired toys, we could not afford anything and this is was source of all marital stress. He spent our entire 1.5 years in marriage therapy talking about how were 14k annually in the red, etc.
When I finally threatened to separate from him unless he sought therapy for his "abusive treatment," he filed for a divorce, hid my daughter, and initiated over $250,000 in legal expenses and 8 motions in front of judge in less than 12 months - making me look like I am a massive court order violator for wanting to volunteer at my daughter's school or attending morning chapel.
He hired one of the best family law attny's in Boston and was always 4-5 steps ahead of me, blindsiding me with threats and accusations on a weekly basis trying to make me look unreasonable, unaccommodating, and a court order violator.
I was even accused for being uncommunicative for insisting on Our Family Wizard. I bought it, he refused to use it.
He has full legal and physical custody even though I was primary caregiver and stay at home mom, no reports of abuse, substance abuse, neglect, etc. I had over 20+ letters of witnesses attesting to my parenting and sound mental health. I have no diagnosis of psychosis, BPD or any other socially deviant behavior. But he was able to put doubt in heads about my mental health anyways. I also had psychologist testify on my behalf, etc.
He banned me from my daughter's school saying I could not be involved in anyway as it was not my parenting time - this also included church and private invitations I received.
My attny's strategy was to let husband make rules and for me to comply so I would look reasonable and accommodating. This did not work.
After being successful primary caregiver stay at home mom for my entire life daughter's life, I was reduced to 90/10 supervised parenting for nearly a year with no overnights due to himself diagnosed mental health allegations, which were supported by GAL. The GAL said I was "psychologically compromised" and need professional supervision because I "had really strong opinions about the way things should be."
She even lied in her report and I have subsequently received affidavits from those she misquoted and testifying otherwise. However these were collected after the pre-trial memo was filed.
Part 2: The GAL also laughed at me in her report and her testimony because I told her I was raised not to ever divorce.
My daughter just spent her whole summer in over 12 different indoor day care programs while I, along with my friends and family, was available full time to care for her.
This Massachusetts Court.
My friend’s husband was able to get the courts to force her to quit her job and uproot her boys from their school and relocate within 15 miles of husband (who initiated the divorce) so he could see kids mid week (he sees them every weekend).
Another friend’s husband (also initiated divorce) was able to dictate that his ex wife live within walking distance to him. And another woman’s husband from my homeschool group is trying to get overnights with his nursing baby.
I would like to see a documentary produced on the increase of abusive men filing for divorce due to reduced alimony and child custody and popular paternal rights trends.
These divorce laws were originally in place to protect the women and children from just this: patriarchy.
What is to keep a man from throwing his wife out on the street when she does not meet his expectations or demands now that he can get 50/50 shared, even if wife was stay at home mom, and not have to pay child support, or just pay very little child support, limited alimony, and there is no such things as motherhood or fatherhood in the courts anymore, just "parenthood."
I loved the General Theory of Love that reports sociopaths actually have underdeveloped or not developed limbic brain cells. All babies are born with underdeveloped limbic cells (the emotional brain for remorse and empathy) and these cells develop according the level of attachment with mother during the first five years of life.
2 Timothy 3:2-1 In the last days...men will be...lovers of self…abusive....
Although does not deal with divorce and custody battles with an abuser, Leslie Vernick has the best book I’ve ever read on abusive relationships and marriage called, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.”
The Liz Library also has good articles on maternal care and fatherhood myths, etc. But seems to deal more with batterers as physical and sexual abusers, rather than the more subtle psychological abusers. In 2011, France made emotional and verbal abuse recognized in the courts. We need that here!!!
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