Sanctuary for the Abused
Friday, January 19, 2018
Abuser Tactics with Children
Tactics During the Relationship
Battering/abusing her in front of the children
Threatening to hurt or kill her in front of the children
Telling the children that the victim is to blame for the violence/abuse
Justifying the violence/abuse to the children
Telling the children that the victim is a bad parent
Using other relatives to speak badly about the victim to the children
Yelling at the victim when the children "misbehave"
Getting the children to take the batterer’s side
Telling them that the victim is crazy, stupid, and incompetent
Abusing or killing the family pets
Using children as confidants (see: covert incest)
Threatening to commit suicide
Withholding money for children’s needs
Physically abusing the children
Threatening to take children if she leaves
Driving recklessly with the children and/or the victim in the car
Abusing drugs/ alcohol in front of the children
Watching pornography in front of the children
Coming home intoxicated
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Tactics After Separation
Asking children what she is doing
Asking who she is seeing
Blaming her for the separation
Blaming the victim for the relationship ending
Telling the children that they cannot be a family because of the victim
Talking about what she did "wrong"
Calling constantly to talk to the children
Showing up unexpectedly to see the children
Criticizing her new partner
Assaulting her new partner
Forcing the children to interact with his new partner, without the mother's knowledge or consent
Withholding child support/ monies for living expenses
Blaming her that HE is not paying child support
Showering children with gifts during visitation
Undermining her rules for the children
Picking up the children at school without telling her
Keeping them longer than agreed on
Abducting the children
Threatening to take custody away from the victim if she does not reconcile with the abuser
Blaming her for their health/ emotional problems
Telling them she is an alcoholic, addict, or mentally ill
Making frequent court dates to change the parenting plan
Saying she didn’t want them
Physically abusing them and telling them not to tell their mother
Abusing his new partner in front of them
Changing visitation plans suddenly and/ or frequently
SOURCE
(feel free to print this out and show it to your lawyer and family)
Labels: abused, abuser, crazy-making, emotional, fear, lying, tactics, terrorist, violence
2 Comments:
Wow, how do you step into my life??!! My husband was abusive for 20 years and what he did and does now that I have filed for divorce is exactly what you wrote about here.
I'm so grateful for what you do, I know how it helped me to define what my life was and helped me to take a stand against the abuse.
It has been two years since he left and I'm now holding my head up higher and learning to love and care for myself.
Here's to 2011! A new year and new season.
When you leave an abuser, and they no longer have direct contact with you, they use the children to hurt you. They are very adept at manipulation, especially with vulnerable children who wish to please both children. i have found that the abusive parent receives a lot of validation from their children, which is primarily fear-based. they often conceal exactly what is going on in the abusive parent's custody, as they do not want to get in trouble by revealing the details to the non-abusive parent. In my case, my ex-husband and his family members talked disparagingly about me, and still do after 5 years after our divorce. I have since remarried a very kind, loving man, which extremely irritates my ex-husband and his ex-wife, who stay in contact to annoy and harass us. We ignore them. The children have been videotaped by my ex. I had a hunch it happened, approaching my then-13 year old child, who confirmed it. She told me that her Dad demanded she and her brother go on his cell video and state that I physically abused them. He further elaborated by telling me his Dad falsely claimed to them that I was "trying to take them away from him." The children are older now, and recognize that their father is ill. I have provided communication tools for them to handle interrogations and other unwelcome behavior. Furthermore, my ex has also infiltrated my social network, my family, my community, my Al-Anon meetings, etc., all in his attempts to smear my name, stalk me, and generally cause problems. The family court system seems not to understand that abusive ex-spouses go to great lengths to further abuse their exes and their children, even well after the divorce. Abusers often present a false image of normalcy, but go further to project onto their victims what they have done. I have been accused of physically abusing my children, of adultery, of having a psychiatric illness, of stealing money from my children's college funds to fund my wedding, and of going on rampant dating after accessing strangers using Match.com. These are all acts that he has done, and they are all well-documented. He has Bipolar, an extensive SA history and I've had a year-long Protective Order against him for trespassing (after my daughter told him I was on a date 14 mos. after we separated, so he decided to pay me a visit at Midnight one evening). It is very frightening, emotionally draining, and frustrating that he flies under the radar, thus evading a future Protective Order. I am very clear with boundary-setting and told him I have my eye on him and that my attorney will be contacted immediately if he violates my rights. Though it seems to help a little bit, he has no problem talking bad about me to people, who appear to be taken in by him. i can always tell because I get that look- like I'm the problem. Thank you for your post. I urge all victims of abuse to get out before it's too late- abusers will threaten you, but with lots of legal, family, emotional and financial support, you can break free from having to live with these monsters. Though he injects himself into my personal business, it is a far cry from what i had to endure living under the same roof as him. The kids are happier, and every night there is peace and quiet here in our home. Freedom is priceless and in the end, all that matters is how we each conduct ourselves to honor the unique individuals we are.
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