(written from a Christian perspective)
Verbal abuse in any marriage or relationship is very destructive. It is designed to destroy the relationship! If it is not corrected, the marriage will be no more. Therefore, if a spouse is unyielding to correct the abuse, it is better to end the marriage while you can still start again. Otherwise, it will end in disaster anyway.
Verbal Abuse
I am not going to discuss physical or sexual abuse because there are many good books written on the subject already. I’d rather expose the other two types of abuse that are rarely ever mentioned.
A person can be so verbally abused that they don’t know what’s true anymore. This abuse is designed to put a person in a numb state so they are unable to make clear, concise decisions. The path of verbal abuse leads a person from what they know as truth into a confused state. This confused state arises because the abuser consistently interjects lies as truth until the abused no longer knows what to believe. For example, we can see this happen when the abuser uses truths from the Bible to justify a lie, or the abuser twists the Bible’s true intent to satisfy his own selfish motive. The sad part comes when the abused embraces the lies from the abuser as truth, thereby disregarding the real truth. At this point the abused feels like they are in chains of bondage with no way out. A trusted godly person is like a life preserver to the abused at this point. For “the mouth of the righteous is a well of life” (Proverbs 10:11a).
There are three very important factors in verbal abuse. They are deception, confusion and reality or truth. We go through these steps during our lives until our belief system is built on a firm foundation of truth. The verbally abused spend most of their lives without a foundation of truth in their hearts and minds, but are in continual deception and confusion.
Confusion is a path — a means to reality (truth). Confusion is good ONLY when leaving deception and entering into reality (truth). When the Scripture says, “...God is not the author of confusion...” (1Corinthians 14:33), it is saying that GOD DOES NOT GIVE BOTH TRUTH AND A LIE TO DECIDE FROM. HE IS TRUTH!
The three factors are:
Deception:
You think you understand, and believe you know the truth, when in fact you have embraced a lie as truth. Remember, THE POWER OF DECEPTION IS THAT YOU DON’T KNOW YOU’RE DECEIVED.
Confusion:
You have opened your heart to receive new understanding, which now conflicts with what you believed to be true. You’re no longer sure. The “previously held” belief or knowledge may not be true in light of the new belief. TWO OPPOSING THOUGHTS APPEARING TO BE TRUE IS CONFUSION.
Reality (Truth):
We understand which is truly REAL and which is the counterfeit or false, then make the decision to embrace the truth; we leave confusion and enter into reality (truth). TRUTH IS ALWAYS ABSOLUTE. IT DOES NOT CHANGE IN THE PRESENCE OF “NEW TRUTH.”
If someone is “ignorant” instead of deceived, that is, they hold no knowledge or belief one way or another, they go from “ignorance to reality” without passing through any confusion. This is because the decision to choose between a lie and truth does not have to be made. A lie and truth are not always present at the same time to choose from.
The opposite often happens to people concerning their relationship with the true God. Instead of progressing from deception or being ignorant to truth, they digressed by exchanging the truth that they knew for a lie, and went back into deception — darkness. “Because they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. WHO EXCHANGED THE TRUTH OF GOD FOR A LIE ...they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, [so] God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting...” (Romans 1:21,25,28). We must retain the truth of God in our hearts, which is the ONLY truth; otherwise we are dead while we live.
FROM: DIVORCE HOPE
MORE: ABUSE IN MARRIAGE
Daily stresses like verbal abuse can add up to trauma. People who live for years in verbally abusive relationships are subject to the "spell" of trauma (numbness and confusion). It is so important to break the silence with someone who is trustworthy and understanding. Once the abuse is processed, the spell breaks and the person sees a lot more clearly.
ReplyDeleteOnce you see it clearly, it is difficult to deal with...I feel like I have just fought back with the same actions (verbal abuse, though not to the same degree)...making me dislike myself even more...and justifying his actions for him at the same time...it becomes a viscious circle..
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful to have a wonderful Godly husband. My daughter is in a very verbally and psychologically abusive marriage. Her health has been horribly affected by all of this. She stays in this marriage because she believe that God will be mad at her if she walks out. Does ANYONE know of scripture that deals with this?
ReplyDeletea concerned mom
Anonymous - you & your daughter can visit these sites:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.divorcehope.com/
And from friend of this site, Hannah:
http://eaandfaith.blogspot.com
I believe there's NO WAY God wants someone to be miserable at another person's expense. Her husband may have a personality disorder which are INCUREABLE and she deserves to have life free from abuse.
I have dealt with my boyfriends emotional abuse for 6 years, and now feel very unsure of my abilities and worth....Its very devastating to realize what I allowed him to do to me. And now I just feel lost and empty.
ReplyDeleteI lived in a verbally and emotionally relationship for 20 years until my husband left a year ago.
ReplyDeleteIt has damaged me so much that I have a lot of healing to do to find the person inside that God made.
There were so many lies I was told and came to believe, now I have to work at it daily to remind myself who I am in Christ.
A good book to read is called The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. It is especially good for Christians caught in ab abusive marriage who feel that God hates divorce no matter what. I lived with those feelings and now see how that is not the truth, but yet another lie I was told.
Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteYou have to wait for your daughter to come to terms with what she is dealing with. She alone has to make the decision. It can be a slow and hard journey for you, but even DV shelters make sure its the woman's choice totally because if it is not? They tend to go back, and the circumstance will be worse. Its an empowering step for them if they do this on their own. Just be there for her when she needs it, and don't apply pressure. She needs a safe person to come to without judgment. It won't be easy for you!
Once the decision is made to leave by her? Again be careful with your approach. Just in case she changes her mind. Get in touch with a local DV shelter for encouragement and advice on her circumstance.
Be that safe harbor for her!
Behind the Hedge by Waneta Dawn is a book that may help her. Its about a Mennonite family in Iowa, and how the wife and family are struggling with what is right in regards to the husband being abusive and controlling. It shows prospective from all directions - spouse, children, society, etc. It shows how Yvette struggles with what is right from the biblical standpoint.
Also Jocelyn Anderson - author of Woman Submit came out with a new book recently. I loved it! Woman this is War! Gender, Slavery & the Evangelical Caste system.
It shows how forever it seems bad people have been using scripture to keep control, and misusing it in the eyes of God.
Make sure it would be safe for her to have these books at home. If not, maybe she could read them at your home.
My prayers are with you all!
P.S. Great Article Barbara!
It's true, see how verbal abuse hurts at verbalabusehurts.com
ReplyDeleteVerbal abuse is insidious. It eats at the heart and soul. Since no one can see it like a beating, it is harder to pin point. Also, harder to accuse even in your own heart. Ugly truth!
ReplyDeleteHere's a great bible verse that explains it all. Check out the last sentence. It gives clear instruction on what to do with one of these. By the way, this is the perfect checklist to check for psychopaths, narssists etc. God already wrote it down for us! This came from the NIV version on Biblos but the other versions have some more good descriptions too like unappeasable, malicious gossips, heartless, without natural affection, traitors, headstrong, puffed up, show no gratitude (brain scans show that they actually CAN'T feel grateful for anything.)
ReplyDelete2 Tim 3:1-5But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.
2People will be lovers of themselves,
lovers of money,
boastful,
proud,
abusive,
disobedient to their parents, ungrateful,
unholy,
3without love,
unforgiving,
slanderous,
without self-control,
brutal,
not lovers of the good,
4treacherous,
rash,
conceited,
lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—
5having a form of godliness but denying its power.
Have nothing to do with them.
I have been verbally abused for the last 14 years of my life I want too leave and save my children from this life any advise on how too leave
ReplyDeletePlease...I have been a verbal abusive realtionship for years but it has got worse in the last few months. He yells at me when I call him on phone at work and he just told me last night everyone on his job site knows how bad he talks to me. I know the other men are shocked and have never heard anything like it.says things to hurt me terrible things. No one can Love you and treat me this way.I say im leaving he says im sorry AND i TELL HIM i HAVE TO FIND A PLACE TO GO. I dont place to go so I just stay here and everyday its worse and everyday Ilost MY lOVE AND FINALLY iAM HERE i dont want to live like this. I am a good woman and im strong woman ...why did it get so bad ? I WILL NEVER FEEL LIKE i DID i dont want to be here...how can i keep the piece till I save $ to get oujt of this sad and embarssing situation?
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. I'm in the same situation. We have been together for years, we gave been homeless in a tent and now living in a motel. It has gotten worse these last 6months. I'm scared confused and lost. The only thing I can do is yell back, but I know that doesn't make it right. But I get so tired of being called skano, slut, dirt ba, retarded b.... told I'm a fat girl that I'm sleeping with.everyone when he is at work. Ther are times I don't see outside for days. I'm so alone and numb. I don't sleep at night. I have no money no one to confide in. He has taken all that away from me. Stripped me of my own self respect. Tells me.I should be thankful he feeds me and I have a place to sleep. He threatens to throw me out to the streets if I don't respect him. Many nights I have slept in the park. He tells me all the time if don't sleep with him there ate others b.... out there that will and do what he wants. He tells me it's all my fault that he is a good man because he takes care of me. Every day I feel myself dying. I'm suffocating inside these walls of torture. I never asked for this marriage lime this. Now I can't seem to move to the next step to leave, I pray every day for an angel to hold my hand and guide me thru these doors and help me thru this because I'm afraid I won't be able to hold on or have the strength to get thru the aftermath. I cry every day. I have no one to talk to. I feel the dark teare falling from my face but I can't stop them. I don't know how anymore.
DeleteMy husband is 43 im 24 we started dating when i was 18. Always knew he was an asshole but not to me at first. Until we moved in together. Then the name calling and putting me down and controling my actions and words began and he even slapped me a couple of times. I remember one time him accusing me of things that i did not do (which is a reg. Thing he does) insisting that i could not sleep in the bed with him, on the couch in the bed with my daughter NOTHING or he would do things to me. So after him falling asleep i snuck into my daughters room and slept on her floor. So i wake up to him pouring a gallon of water on my face while i was asleep, i woke up drowning. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE, RIGHT? It got to the point noone really wanted to come around because of him. My family warned me of him as they knew him before i did. He got locked up and needless to say i felt FREE! So i did what most young girls did and lived my and yes i cheated. I thought i was done with him, aa young as i was why waste on my life on someone like that?! But little did i know i was in love with him for some odd reason. I think it was his knowledge he instilled in me helped me to get in track, teaching me to be an adult (never had that). But i didnt know he would use that to his advantage. According to him i would be Nothing without him, a horrible mother, person, homeless etc. We just got married in september but things have only gotten worse since being 18. These days he just goes on these rants about how im a lazy slut, a whore, bad mother, bad mother, fat (which im not fat by any means just put on a little weight since the baby), bitch and so many more things. How he does everything and i do nothing but sleep and complain, i dont contriubute enough an the house isnt clean how he likes it to be. First, i know in my heart im none of those things im quite the opposite and told so very often, even told by many that the look up to me. My job has recently started cutting my hours so im not able to contribute as much as i used to. I work overnight but i usually get no sleep or next to nun so sometime i am tired but im still up and at it. We live in a 1bdrm tiny apt. With 2 kids so it gets cluttered easy, not dirty at all just cluttered but i do what is only possible for organizing things (he doesnt like throwing out things). While he works long hours and some weeks with no days off all he does is eat, sleep, use the restroom watch tv and porn on his phone all day in the dark in our room. He never spends time with the kids or i and when i say something about it im nagging or complaining or selfish. When in fact its selfish for our children to have to beg you to play with them and sometimes you get mad. So to narrow it down. My husband literally calls me every name in the book of bad and hurtful words amd is constantly putting me down or telling me how worthless i am (no exaggeration). Someone please give me advice on what i should do ? I love him but makes me think of killing myself and i cry myself to sleep every night. I canf keep living like this i have 2 beautiful little girls who look up to me and this is not what i want them to think is right ir what they need! Im so depressed and in a messed up mental state.
ReplyDeleteIm starting to actually believe the things he says about me. Its to the point when starts i just go into this numb state. Im scared that im loosing my self.
ReplyDelete