(from our friend at EMOTIONAL ABUSE & FAITH:)
I read quite a lot of articles regarding domestic violence in regards to the faith prospective. At times I realize that I get naïve thinking maybe things would get a little better once people decide to share their experiences. I read things and they point to getting in touch with your church, having your pastor and their resources help you. For goodness SAKES don’t go secular!
I think in some circumstances that’s just not wise!
I have been watching a story unfold recently. It started – for me anyway – on two very popular faith boards. It was a story of a married young woman with 2 small children. As in most stories of domestic violence I don’t think she saw it for what it was at first. We all have to have our realizations. I guess in the past she did have churches that told her that he needed help, and that he could be in danger of hurting himself or others. Steps were taken for the reconciliation, and then they had to move and it basically started all over again.
It ended with him having to leave the home after he attacked one of the children. Pictures were documents, and emails filled with venom with his justifications. Threats of cutting off personal communication with his children and all financial aid, because he needed some respect. The emails would make anyone’s hair curl.
The first faith board she went to she was threatened with posters calling CPS or Child Protective Services. She was chewed up and spit out on this faith board, and moderators sat back and watched. They never got involved. The husband had been removed from the home, and that would be the first step that CPS would have taken anyway. I never quite understood why the threats. The poster did the responsible thing, and reported the incident herself so I don’t understand why that wasn’t good enough.
The second faith board basically shut her up. Her thread went on for 10 pages as she recorded threats after threats that he was sending, and she was receiving replies of support. Conversations between the pastor and meetings with him as he basically attacked her in front of him, and at that point there was no more questions as to what the church was dealing with.
A call for a meeting with the Elders was next. Meanwhile, the man broke into the home and started to threaten her while she was on the phone with someone. I guess that person called the police, and the police told her she must get a restraining order. He also had to leave. The restraining order was granted as of now. Her thread was removed – disappeared – because they felt it was getting too personal.
They would possibly ‘revisit’ it if she could get a note from her pastor stating she needed this, and they would have to have a phone conference to discuss this as well. She is no longer allowed to discuss her personal situation, or mention any parts of her family on the board. She is welcome to reply to others if she wishes. Isn’t that nice?
The church has offered ‘spiritual’ support for this family. They will have no place to live soon, sounds like she needs to have the locks changed, has no resources or money of her own. She asked for a letter for her order of protection from the church stating they are helping with accountability, moral support, etc. The church basically told her they were not qualified to do that. Qualified? Hmm. I guess that is true. They have already informed her that they can offer no financial assistant, housing or anything else of substance.
I think people need to see this so they can understand WHY these women go secular, and WHY they also get killed! It’s too ugly for people to deal with. It doesn’t happen within the church. I’m not going to say all churches; organizations are like this, because they aren’t all like this.
There are enough of them, and article after article is thrown into the mix about how women need to learn to submit more.It just burns me.
If a Christian Counselor, Pastors, Christian Mentors and others from the fellowship don’t do much in ways of help in the real world, and if online faith boards continue to shut this issue down. Where are these people supposed to go?
I’m so disgusted. YES there is way more to the story, and it’s as plain as the nose on anyone’s face what is happening. Don’t go secular – keep it within the Christian fold. Okay. We are waiting…….. now what? Does anyone else see what other options this family has? I’m at a lost myself.
I can’t recommend you go to Crosswalk or Family Life for support in these types of circumstances. Please use those avenues for other types of things. If your church can’t help please find one that will!
Don’t turn down secular help in the meanwhile; it maybe the only source of support you will get in real time!Please pray for this family.
Please digg, stumble, etc if you feel this type of story needs to get out!
We need to break the silence within the church about domestic violence!FROM:Emotional Abuse and Your Faith: Pastor, Faith Boards Online, and Church Community says NO HELP to Victim of Domestic Violence
I spent several years working at a church and part of it as a church leader. My advice to someone who is in a situation of domestic violence (even it is is 'just' emotional) is SEEK HELP FROM THE "SECULAR" WORLD = the ones who are TRAINED to know how to help you and what to recognize in the way of symptoms that are fallout from the abuse in you and your children.
ReplyDeleteVery few pastors and church leaders are trained to help in this area and will put their doctrinal spin on it at the cost of your sanity. They do not want to "see" that people in their flock have "those" kind of problems.
To those who say that these areas should be handled with-in the church, I have this question. If you are in an accident and break your leg, do you have the ambulance rush you to your pastor or your local emergency room? (If you said pastor, you might want to consider a closer examination of your church's control issues.)
If you seek those who are trained professionals to tend to your physical injuries, why on earth should you be expected to do any different for emotional injuries?
Having grown up in a psychotic independent pentecostal cult I can totally relate to this. In fact it makes me wonder if this isnt one of their churches. Like a rape victim going to court this woman and children were re-victimized by what should have been their support system. The sad truth is, these people and leaders are psychopaths. Some just classic abusers and enjoy anothers pain and their power over another. Learn to think for yourself, rewire the way you think. Any question everything your told, ESPECIALLY in church. Spirituality is in yourself, not a building made with hands.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar situation, although mostly with verbal abuse, the physical abuse he was careful to do with threats and leaving no marks. Total mind control and total projecting and blaming me for everything. Even though he had multiple affairs and was with prostitutes (usng MY money) and had a huge porn addiction, he would cry to the church leaders and say he only did this because he did not feel loved by me. And you know what? I am the one who then got the sermons on being a submissive wife and very little accountability was held for him. I stayed far too long and have PTSD after years of this and listening to my church and trying to be more helpful, submissive, etc. This is not from an independent type cult group, this is from mainstream Baptists just for the record. Run, don't walk, when you get this kind of advice and seek any qualified help you can find, secular or other!
ReplyDeleteIf (big if) the problem Christians would follow the Bible, with some pretty clear verses on how they should be acting, there wouldn't be as many problems within the church.
ReplyDeleteIt's the well known problem for abusers to submit an authority.
It's well known that abusers don't submit to authority.
ReplyDeleteI've sought out help in the churches to discover the pastors only want to deal with my abuser. The Lord can deal with them and my abuser. I'm leaving and thankful this experience kept me out of uncaring legalistic so called churches. I submit my life to Christ alone and will help my Christian sisters and castaways whenever I find opportunity. God help us all.
ReplyDelete