Sanctuary for the Abused
Friday, August 30, 2019
Inside the Mind of an Abuser
What you Need to Know
by Mary M. Alward
Abusers use warped logic to brainwash their victims. They use methods very similar to those of prison guards, who know that to control prisoners they have to have full co-operation. Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.
The Logic of Brainwashing
Abusers use warped logic to brainwash their victims. Subversive manipulation of the mind and destruction of the victim are the perfect tools to enable abusers to succeed.
The Process of Brainwashing
The abuser uses several methods of coercion to brainwash his victim. They are as follows:
Isolation
Abusers deprive their victims of social interaction with family members and friends. This is necessary to gain control over the victim.
Resistance
The abuser manipulates his victim to become mentally and physically dependent upon him, which reduces the ability of the victim to resist his abuse.
Threats
Abusers use threats to cultivate anxiety, despair and the ability to resist. Most often they threaten children, family members or friends with harm if the victim doesn’t comply with his demands.
Indulgences
Occasionally the abuser will comply with the wishes of the victim in order to provide motivation to comply with his every demand.
Omnipotence
The abuser suggests to the victim that it is futile to resist his demands.
Trivial Demands
Abusers strictly enforce trivial demands in order to create a habit of compliance in his victim.
Degradation
Abusers degrade their victims in order to damage their self esteem and make them think they are unable to face life on their own. Self esteem can be damaged beyond repair and the victim is often reduced to animal level concerns.
About the Abuser
The methods that abusers, both male and female, use to manipulate their victims are a natural part of their personalities. Abusers all share behaviors and thinking patterns. This labels them as dysfunctional, insecure and unable to have a relationship unless they are in complete control.Abuser’s Tactics
Abusers keep their victims in the dark about events that are taking place. They are most always in control of the finances, talk about the victim behind their back in order to cause them to become isolated and make plans that include the victim without consulting them. The abuser’s goal is to monopolize the victim’s time and physical environment and suppress their behavior. An abusive partner tells you what social events you can attend and who you can go with. He may insist you quit work and remain at home where he can keep an eye on you, or he may tell you that you can no longer participate in hobbies. Abusers often insist you move to a location away from family members, friends and other contacts that will give you support.
Abusers do their best to instill feelings of fear, powerlessness and dependency in their victim. Both verbal and emotional abuse heightens these feelings and they grow more pronounced as time passes.
The abuser’s system of logic is closed. She doesn’t allow her partner to voice opinions or criticize her in any way. She lets you know, without a doubt, that her word is law
There’s a wide range of tactics that the abuser uses to debilitate the victim. If you recognize any of these tactics, a red flag has been raised.
DominationLiving with a person who has unpredictable response is difficult, stressful, nerve wracking and it causes a great deal of anxiety that can lead to health problems. The victim lives with fear and security and has no sense of balance in their life. Abusers who drink excessively are alcoholics or drug abusers often have unpredictable responses to trivial events.
Abusers are extremely dominating to the point that they want to control everything that the victim does. If they don’t get their way, they act like spoiled children. On top of that, they use threats to get what they want. If you allow your abuser to dominate you, you will lose your self respect.
Verbal Assault
The abuser tends to verbally assault their victim by calling names, degrading, screaming, threatening, criticizing, berating and humiliating. They will center their victim out in front of family and friends by taking small personality flaws and embellishing them to the extreme. They make snide remarks and use sarcasm to erode the victim’s sense of self-worth and self confidence. Making the victim look bad in front of others is an attempt to isolate the victim and keep them at their mercy. Then, the abuse worsens.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a slang term from the 1950’s but is the perfect word to describe one tactic of the abuser. The dictionary definition of gaslighting is to drive someone crazy. This is used to keep the abuser’s victim under control. The abuser will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. The victim knows better, but over time will begin to question their sanity. Be alert to gaslighting tactics that can beat you down and make you think you are going insane.
Blackmail
The abuser uses emotional blackmail to get what they want by pushing your buttons. He plays on his victim’s sense of compassion, fears, sense of guilt and values in order to get his own way. He may refuse to talk to his victim or threaten to end the relationship or withdraw financial support if the victim is dependent on him for basic living necessities. Emotional blackmail is the act of working on the victim’s emotions so the abuser can get what he wants.
Constant Chaos
An abuser will keep the household and his victim’s emotions in total chaos by starting arguments and constantly being in conflict with other family members.
Abusive Expectations
This happens when the abuser makes unreasonable demands on their victim. They may expect their partner to reject everything in their life to tend to the abuser’s needs. Included can be frequent sex, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts that are against their will, demanding all of the victim’s attention or demanding that the victim spend all free time with the abuser. No matter how hard the victim tries to please the abuser, she will always demand more. The victim, whether male or female, will be constantly criticized and berated because they are unable to fulfill the abuser’s demands.
Unpredictable Responses
This includes emotional outbursts and extreme mood swings on the part of the abuser. If you partner likes something you do today and hates it tomorrow, or reacts to the extreme at an identical behavior by the victim, this is an unpredictable response. This behavior damages the victim’s self esteem, self confidence and mental well-being because they are constantly on edge, wondering how their partner is going to respond to their every move.
Inside the Abuser’s Mind
Abusers have a tendency to feel they are unique individuals (narcissistic) and shouldn’t have to live under the same rules as everyone else. However, the opposite is true. Abusers share many of the same thinking patterns and behaviors and use the same tactics to keep their victims under their control.
Blaming
Abusers tend to shift responsibility for their actions to their victims and become angry because the person caused them to behave inappropriately. The abuser might say, “If you hadn’t talked back to me, I wouldn't have had to hit you.” Don’t fall for it. The abuser did the hitting and no matter what you did, you are not to blame. He is blaming you for his shortcomings and do not believe that you are the one to blame for even one second.
Making Excuses
Abusers seldom take responsibility for their actions, but try to justify their behavior by making excuses. They may blame the abuse on a difficult childhood or a hard day at the office. Their mind-set tells them that they are never to blame for any negative behavior.
Fantasies of Success
Abusers believe that they would be famous and rich if the victim and other people weren’t holding them back. Because he believes his failure in life is due to others, he feels he is justified in retaliating in any way he can, including physical and emotional abuse. He belittles, berates and puts others down, including the victim, to make himself feel more powerful.
Manipulation
Abusers combine manipulative tactics, such as upsetting people to watch their reaction, lying and provoking arguments and fights among family members and his peers. He charms his victims and other people who he wishes to manipulate by professing that he cares and is interested in their well-being, when all he is doing is opening the door for a deeper level of abuse.
Redefining
The abuser will often redefine situations to blame others for his troubles. Abusers will seldom admit that they are wrong, or for that matter, less than perfect. It’s always someone else’s fault when they act inappropriately.
Assuming
An abuser’s thought patterns lead them to believe that they know what others, including their victim, is feeling and thinking. They use this warped logic to blame these people for their behavior. For instance, an abuser might say, “I knew you’d be angry about that, so I went for a few drinks after work to enjoy myself. Why should I come home to listen to you nag?”
Dependence
Believe it or not, abusers are emotionally dependent on their victim. This causes an inner rage that encourages the abuser to lash out. Because he is so dependent, he takes control of his victim’s life. This is the way they deny their weaknesses and make themselves feel powerful.
Symptoms of Emotional Dependency
Symptoms of emotional dependency include, but are not limited to, excessive jealousy, jealous rages and possessive actions that are usually sexual in nature. Abusers spend an excessive amount of time monitoring the action and movements of their victims. Often, abusers have no support network and lack those supportive roles that others depend upon. Another sign of emotional dependency is the extreme affect the abuser suffers if his victim leaves. He will go to any lengths to get the victim to return.
Rigid Gender Attitudes
Abusers in a domestic atmosphere tend to have extremely rigid attitudes about the role that their spouse should play in a marriage or common law situation. Wives may expect their husbands to fulfill all of the family’s chores, such as repairs and hold up his role as a father. Husbands may expect their wives to hold down a full time job, keep the house spotless, the laundry caught up, meals made on time and also tend to the kids’ every need. All of these examples are things that should be shared in a normal relationship.
Lying
Most abusers are liars. They lie to manipulate their victim by controlling information. They also lie to keep their victim, and others, off balance psychologically. This enables the abuser to gain control of every situation.
Withdrawal
Abusers have a tendency to put up emotional walls and never give out personal information freely. He keeps his real feelings to himself and is not interested in what others think of him. Abusers like secrets and are righteous and close-minded. An abuser always feels she is right in every situation.
Drama
Abusers, either male or female, can’t seem to develop close, satisfying relationships, or even bad relationships that last. They replace closeness with drama in order to make their life more exciting. They love watching others argue and fight and often do things to keep those around them in a state of constant chaos and upheaval.
Minimizing Actions
Abusers always minimize their actions and refuse to accept their mistakes. An abuser might tell his spouse who has a black eye, “I didn’t hit you hard enough to give you a black eye.”
Ownership and Possession
Abusers are extremely possessive and believe that they should get everything they want. They also feel they can do whatever they wish with their possession and abusers see their partner or spouse as something they own. They feel they are justified in hurting their victim by taking their possessions, attacking them mentally and physically and controlling all aspects of their life.
Anger Management
Most abusers have had a violent and abusive childhood in a dysfunctional family setting. These children are very likely to grow up into spousal abusers. They are taught from the time they are babies that violence is a way to settle disputes and get their own way. It’s a way to settle differences of opinion and they see abuse as normal. As adults, they won’t be able to find alternate ways of showing or channeling their anger. People who do not have a method of outlet for anger on a daily basis allow it to build to a point where it explodes. When this happens, the people closest to them become their sounding board emotionally, mentally and physically.
Rules
Abusers feel they are superior to others and don’t have to follow the rules of society. This is also the attitude of hundreds of criminals in prisons world wide. Inmates often believe that while other inmates are guilty of their crimes that they aren’t. Abusers feel it is always their partners who need counseling and that they can take care of their life without help or support from others.
Fragmentation
The abuser, whether male or female, does their best to keep their abusive behavior separate from the rest of their life. For example: abusers will beat their spouse and kids on a regular basis, but seldom physically attack anyone outside of their home. They also separate their lives psychologically. They may attend church on Sunday morning and play the role of a loving spouse and parent and then go home and beat their spouse and kids on Sunday afternoon. Abusers see this as acceptable and normal behavior and feel it is justified. Yet if they hear a report that someone else has abused their loved ones, they are the first to condemn them.
Verbal Communication
Abusers are seldom capable of a relationship that includes real intimacy. It is believed that they feel vulnerable when they are open and truthful with others. Abusers feel that it is up to their partners to turn feelings of anger and frustration into gratification and to fulfill their every need. Partners of abusers are essentially expected to be mind readers and know in advance the needs of the abusive spouse. When this doesn’t happen, the abuser feels insecure, unloved and rejected and rejection is grounds for emotional, mental and physical abuse.
Glorification
Abusers, both men and women, think of themselves as independent, self-sufficient, superior and strong. If someone criticizes them or says something that causes them to feel insulted, the feeling will cause them to react violently toward their victim. This is the only outlet that they know to use to quell feelings of inadequacy.
Being Vague
Abusers think and speak vaguely to avoid their responsibilities. When asked why they are late or where they’ve been, answers will be vague. If their partners pursue the reason, the abuser becomes defensive and strikes out in order to remain in control of the situation.
Abusers: Things You Need to Know
- Both men and women abuse their partners, emotionally, mentally, physically and verbally.
- Female abusers tend to have a macho attitude toward womanhood. They look at female qualities as weaknesses and fear closeness and intimacy will make them vulnerable.
- A batterer’s level of hostility is extremely higher than that of non-batterers. Emotions easily turn to anger, which in turn is acted out in violent behavior. Abusers suppress anxiety, tension and stress until they eventually explode in a fit of violent behavior.
- Abusers suffer from low self esteem. They become dependent on their partners emotionally and feel threatened if they thing that they are going to be left on their own.
- Abusers often show emotions of excessive jealousy and are extremely possessive.
- Many abusers are alcoholics or use drugs frequently. If they discontinue alcohol and drug abuse, they tend to be violent through the process of withdrawal.
- Many people who are abusers have experienced or witnessed violence during their childhood. This leaves them with a feeling of worthlessness and low self esteem, which in turn traumatizes them and leaves life-long emotional scars.
Red Flag Signals
Many people of both genders interpret early warning signs of abuse as attentive, caring and romantic. Here is a list of early warning signs of future domestic abuse.
- Your partner insists you spend all of your free time with them in order to isolate you from family and friends.
- You always have to tell your partner where you are going, who you are going with, what your plans are and when you will be home.
- Your partner is extremely agitated or angry when they don’t get their own way.
- Your partner tells you what you can and can’t wear and insists on going shopping with you when you shop for clothes.
- You are accused time and time again of cheating, flirting or having an affair.
- Your partner refers to women in derogatory slang, or is secretive about previous relationships.
- The person was abused mentally, physically, emotionally or verbally as a child.
- Your partner grew up in an environment where one parent abused the other emotionally, He is a charmer or a smooth talker.
- He is abusive to his mother or sister and refers to them in derogatory slang.
- The person has expectations that are not realistic.
- The person has a tendency to be cruel to animals or pets.
- The person has hurt a child in some way. (emotional or physical)
- Your partner has abused spouses in a previous relationship. If so, it will happen to you too.
- The person displays a tendency to have extreme mood swings for little or no reason.
- Male abusers often feel women are inferior and were born to indulge their every whim.
- Female abusers feel men are inferior and expect their partner to give them their full attention at all times.
- Abusers like to intimidate and use threatening body language. They may throw things, punch walls or destroy their victim’s possessions.
- Abusers stop their victims from leaving the room during an argument or dispute.
- (THIS WAS WRITTEN IN THE MALE - YOUR ABUSER MAY WELL BE FEMALE)
Warning!
If you see any of these warning signs in your partner, be ever vigilant. For your own safety, it’s best to end the relationship immediately. It’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship where you are constantly abused in any way. Get help now!
SOURCE OF THIS VITAL INFORMATION - HERE
Labels: abuse, brainwashing, manipulation, mind control, narcissist, psychopath, red flags, sociopath, traits, verbal abuse
69 Comments:
This is really good! I feel really naive after the fact that I didn't know or recognize these signs. I suppose it's one of those things most of us don't believe will happen to us and in my situation I honestly thought I was in control of the situation.
There were so many times when he'd hit me, and he'd start crying. I still don't know if he mentally snapped or if he was really sorry and confused about what he was doing.
Good post
-Jessica
http://jessica-thedaysafter.blogspot.com/
Thanks for this. I'm really annoyed with Knock Out Abuse for keeping artist Shepard Fairey's logo after he has been shown on film being mentally and verbally abusive to his wife. :(
Thank you so much for this article. Everyone should read this because when you are the victim, the ignorance of those around you is certainly not bliss. It's surprising how many women condone the abuser's behavior without really realizing what they are doing.
As the daughter of parents who constantly fought, this has given me insight into what goes on in an abusers mind. My mother was the abuser in our family. Her childhood always cropping up as the cause of her dysfunctionality. For each paragraph I read above, I could think of an example when my mother carried out the abusive behaviour. She has since divorced my father, convinced that he had an 'affair'. She has left to settle with another man abroad! Leaving behind her two daughters and five beautiful grandchildren. Our father asked why we seem to be coping so well under the circumstances, having recently lost our mother... the answer quite frankly, is that the chaos left with her.
I have never read a better summative of all that encompasses an abuser, how they think and how they act.
Thank God for you Barbara!
I am a prison guard, and I am surprised at how my husbands thinking , speaking, actions are very similiar to the prisoners I see.
It a very embarrassing situation to be in.
I wish I had seen this info 25 yrs ago.
It' s mentally exhaustitng , and I have learned to shut down, it is like just being a shell, going thru the motions of everyday living..I am not in love w/my husband , and have not been for alot of
yrs, I cannot believe he doesn't see or feel it.
Everything in this article is true, he doesn't hit me anymore, but he still has horrible.hissy fits like a child.
He is so dependent on me for everything...he is helpless, I cant stand it, but I know.what happens when.we split, he drags the family into it, makes many scenes., threats.so much chaos, for along time...its mentally exhausting..I just gave up , but I don't keep my mouth shut, I don't believe him, it is almost comical and rediculus witnessing his behavior...it is so annoying.
"Yes, more and more now I just think it's an 'us and them' situation."
This is a quote from another forum on recovering from a psychopathic relationship. Very well said.
This is a great point from "psychopathfree" website:
"Avoid Argument With Predator
They're very good at controlling in a subversive manner. I've met ones who are able to argue no matter what you do, no matter what your stance may be, and no matter what the context.
For purposes validating your possible past experiences, and an increased ability to spot a predator before it’s too late…
Here's what I noticed:
They will push both sides of the argument, so whichever stance you choose to take they will be able to argue the opposite stance accordingly. What this shows is that they have no investment in any moral outcome/resolution, and have absolutely no investment in the argument itself – other than to aid an agenda which imparts you with an overall sense of weakness where you feel that you are somehow 'wrong', ‘stupid’, and/or 'bad'. Once you have integrated all these feelings and been degraded internally, you are far easier to control because the self-esteem has been damaged.
It can happen within a single conversation and it will go on forever..(I imagine most of you have experienced this)
It will continue as long as you know them, and they will bring up a multitude of ‘unresolved arguments’ in any given moment to regain control over you. Notice that they do not revive the subjects with any intention of resolving an old matter, they will do this simply for the purpose of an argument in itself.
The main purpose is that your soul is destroyed in the process, and furthermore your confidence to express any opinion in their presence is severely inhibited. If a person in such a situation for too long, all possible freedom of expression will be taken away. They will hold the key to both courts and it is very easy to spot these types of interaction. There is no way to ‘win’ this, and there need not be any desire to win – it is simply about being aware and allowing your self to freely comprehend the situation as it unfolds. With such a freedom you can easily walk away from these encounters, and can spot the predator before it even has a chance.
Do not engage them in argument no matter what they have implied; you do not need to prove yourself to a machine."
Thank you so much for this article. I finally GOT OUT and it is WONDERFUL. After 30 years, I am finally FREE. I wonder, though, if I will ever be able to trust a man? I instantly assume every man is abusive. I have no interest in dating or being in another relationship, but I assume EVERY man is abusive - the chashier at the grocery store, the tree trimmer, my co workers, etc. Will I ever get over this and be able to see men as anything but horrible animals?
I was abused sexually as a child for 16 years by both men and women, more recently i have been blackmailed by a women for financial gain to see my 2 children. After a 5 year relationship she left me because we had made a tree change and i a career change (she had never worked a day in 5 years) that meant adjusting our weekly spending habits, so basically we had less money for a period of 3 to 4 years. So on a day when i was at work, packed the house up and took off with the boys. I am currently going through mediation and the mediators have witnessed her first gand saying “if he gives me more money i will let him see the boys more...“ and i am powerless against her, i wonder if i was the female in this situation and she was the male, doing what she is doing now, how that would actually work our?. My point is in the article the abuser was referred to as “he“ on 4 or more occassions when it should be “they“ not gender specific, as take it from me and a hell of a lot of other men in australia, women are more than capable of emotionally or mentally abusing men.
Many times I have said on this blog "your abuser may be female." This blog does not discriminate as the gender of who the abuser may be.
2 sites you might like are:
http://www.shrink4men.com
www.facebook.com/MaleDomesticAbuse
I agree that the article should not specify one gender specifically in any case. It does state that any abuser, regardless of gender, is capable of using all forms of abuse - however, it does seem to suggest that the more violent forms of abuse are done by males. This is likely because of societal views that are skewed - the assumption that women aren't capable of causing bodily harm is one of the worst. While it is true that more men are violent than women, it does not mean that women are not violent. In fact, it's likely that more are than we realize because of other social stigmas - a man seeking help for abuse is sometimes still seen as weak or shameful. It's totally wrong. But because of the macho expectations placed on men, they are often afraid to speak out and this has to stop. We will never be able to remedy te issue if there is a gender bias in place. One thing I did notice, even from you, is that you disregard women as physical abusers. Your first sentence confirms your experience but your last sentence omits it "women are more than capable of emotionally or mentally abusing men"....hello? Aren't you forgetting about something? Even in victims, the macho standpoint still remains, and in order to create better rights for male victims, we need to start by admitting a few things and putting the ego aside.
There are more men out there who aren't abusive than those who are. You were in a traumatic relationship but with support, counseling, etc., you will be able to get past this...baby steps - good luck
Don't forget that men condone abuse from women also. Search "traumatic bonding" for some insightful articles on the psychology behind staying with abusive/narcissistic partners - crazy stuff!
Anonymous -
I didn't write this article. This blog is merely information. If you click the link to the SOURCE at the bottom of it, you will find the contact information for the writer - which is where your comment should go.
This blog runs many articles about female abusers and is in no way gender biased.
Change the "he" to "she" & you will be spot on. The actual facts are that for intimate partner domestic abuse: women perpetrate the abuse 40% of the time, 40% of the time it is mutual. In only 20% of cases is it solely the man's fault.
Since women always get off with their pussy pass I would suggest the following for men. When she starts, beat her to death with a baseball bat.. You are going to be blamed anyway, make it worth your while.
The day society stops seeing things as male or female and recognize those as persons who are abusive will be the day victims may take a step forward. I know of a couple. Their situation may not be unique. The husband is the abuser. The wife one day gets the "emotional strength" to leave fearing for the unborn child's welfare. The husband retaliates by playing the victim. He humiliates her publically to anyone who will listen. They listen because he is
handsome and a military man. He publically degrades her tells everyone shes paranoid schizophrenic then bi polar,
whatever seems to be the thing that will recruit his new team member gang of bullies. Woman believe him they
enjoy beating down other woman especially a pregnant one.
They believe they are forming a relationship with him and can see a future of instant family a baby too w/o labor pains. So you see...now the abuser is both male & female yet the victim is a female...her unborn child a victim too
may be male or female. The husband goes to a "Men's legal center" he hires a male to fight his wife the victim in court. He once told her "youre just a pod to make a baby for me". He tells the mens legal lawyer how crazy his wife is he really packs it on. The lawyer wants to believe him. The lawyer sees a handsome young man a military man. He will believe anything he's told. Is justice being served? The laws on his side is justice blind...he's so handsome. He's in the military but that was a con too. Two years of service some in the mental hospital no combat medical retirement and a prescription to a laundry list of drugs. Legal opiods. Yes he was a junkie till age 30. Nothing to do he schemed his way into the military. People wanted him to succeed he's so handsome. The wife a woman with an advanced degree is suddenly being treated less than human. She is nothing compared to his good looks. In our society good looks trump being the male or female victim. If youre the abuser and you are the looker youre the winner. People easily want to believe and take sides because they have their own invested motive. Domestic violence police are human too a female detective may favor the abusive husband because he's goodlooking in the military. What if the wife was of another race not white not all american. What if the judge is a racist the cop is a racist. She could be Asian fillipino, black, bi racial. So many aspects. Things may never truly be what they might seem unless its in youre best interest that it deems so.
This article is amazing. I have just ended an abusive relationship. I was always( and still am) a strong woman, working two jobs to support my only child at the time, I thrived on success, even having a college degree today( working through it while dealing with my abuser, and pregnant with twins and raising my first child. EVERYTHING in this article is exactly what I was dealing with. I took my abuser back( only once), maybe bc we had a tragic event of losing one of our babies, I really don't know the answer, did I love him, yes of course, but I also loved my first child's dad too, and he was an amazing man. Another thing abusers hate is anything that has to do with your PAST. I am super glad I read this article, and I will save this in a file on my computer for if I get a weak day then this will remind me of why I left him in the first place..
OMG!!!!!!!! Almost every paragraph relates to my current boyfriend! It has gotten worse! I am in constant disarray! I walk on eggshells! This man is a bully a liar deceiver, sexually mentally abusive for the 15 years I've known him. I have left my abuser and gone back I can't even count! Oh the charm and broken promises! I love this man yet I know I need serious help! I have gone to counseling for years! I stopped going because of the shameful nature of my situation I am greatful to have read this article! I am afraid to fight w him! I except the fact that my life is unmanageable! It is still very difficult!!
I thot that this was normal for a while until he gave me a black eye! I mean I can write a book of all the turmoil that he has caused my daughter!
BOTH of my PARENTS are CHRONIC ABUSERS,chronic mental,emotional and verbal abusers ( most especially of ME ),I am 32 years old and BOTH of them have been severely abusing me mentally,emotionally and verbally MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE up to now at age 32.It NEVER stops! It NEVER comes to an end ! By now I have figured it out and have come to realize that THE ONLY WAY to FINALLY STOP IT FOREVER is to CUT OFF ALL TIES with EVERYBODY in my whole biological family/family of origin FOREVER/PERMANENTLY! I even want to GO INTO HIDING from all of them FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE by changing my whole identity,stuff like that.
ALL forms of ABUSE and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is not just limited to COUPLES, ALL forms of ABUSE and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE occur also in FAMILIES ( FAMILY SETTINGS/SITUATIONS/ENVIRONMENTS, and in FAMILY DYNAMICS ) I know this is FACT and TRUE from my own personal experiences IN MY FAMILY OF ORIGIN/BIOLOGICAL FAMILY, I have been a victim of both chronic mental,emotional and verbal abuse- ( I would call it SEVERE,and just like/comparable to SEVERE CULT BRAINWASHING or SEVERE PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE waged against me since I was old enough to understand language )- and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ( what went on in our house also comes under DOMESTIC VIOLENCE )all done by BOTH OF MY BIOLOGICAL PARENTS ! They are 2 ABUSERS that ended up finding each other and MARRYING each other! BOTH of them are ABUSERS ! BOTH of them have alot of the characteristics that are listed in the list of ABUSER CHARACTERISTICS above.
My life is pretty screwed up by now ( and right now ),alot of it if not most of it because of them.
It took me just about this long ( 32 years of age ) to come to full realization of how both of them REALLY are and that BOTH of them are CHRONIC ABUSERS, I guess this is so because it's like you have been so BRAINWASHED by them ( their PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE ) your whole life that it can take this long to FULLY REALIZE and ACCEPT what you are REALLY dealing with,with BOTH of your BIO PARENTS.
ALL forms of ABUSE and also DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is not just limited to COUPLES or going on between COUPLES only, they also go on in FAMILIES/in the FAMILY DYNAMICS and between PARENTS and THEIR CHILDREN also!
ALL of the MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS and SERVICE PEOPLE that I have seen so far don't even take it SERIOUSLY at all when you are ABUSED by YOUR PARENTS!
I am a victim of chronic severe mental,emotional and verbal abuse and domestic violence and battering, I also consider myself A BATTERED WOMAN ( because that is REALLY what I am ,I really fall under that category/label too,except it was ALL done to me by BOTH of my PARENTS and not a intimate/romantic/sexual partner )
I really wish that everyone and society and all of the domestic violence associations/activists,hotlines and websites and all MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS/WORKERS/SERVICE PROVIDERS would stop treating and seeing all of these issues as just occuring between COUPLES only!
I have been a victim of CHILD ABUSE when I was a child,the abuse has continued up to now ( at age 32 ) in the form of severe,chronic psychological,emotional and verbal abuse that NEVER comes to and END/STOP for good, and I am a victim of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and I consider myself as also coming under that category/label BATTERED WOMAN and I have NEVER even been in ANYKIND of a RELATIONSHIP with a GUY/MALE ( or FEMALE either, I'm NOT a lesbian FYI ) yet for that matter! Not everybody who has been ABUSED by their parents turns out to be PROMISCUOUS, I didn't turn out to be PROMISCUOUS and I was ABUSED by my father ( we NEVER had a GOOD or HEALTHY or NORMAL relationship with each other, up to this day I still absolutely cannot stand the man, I really think he is DISGUSTING ( he REALLY DISGUSTS me ),A BRUTE,REPULSIVE,A PIECE OF CRAP/TRASH,A LOSER,A CHRONIC ABUSER,A CHRONIC BATTERER etc )
I need some help, how do I stop the brainwashing? I have been abused my whole life, first by my father and 3 brothers when I was growing up. Then married an abusive husband. Now trying to heal, so hard to stop the ways I have been brainwashed to believe.
right now i am trying to stop believing that if I tell what happened I will be punished. How do I stop this. has anyone been able to do it?
Lost
Wasn't going to post now I am. My "wife" constantly puts me down. Uses our son as blackmail against me. Calls me a shit Dad accuses me of cheating (yet she goes out without her wedding ring on while im in afghan). Shifts the blame for everything on to me. I have to support her taken on her debts I pay for everything but if money is tight its my fault even if she has spent money on shit we dont need.
She threatens to leave me constantly half the time I have no idea what im saying sorry for to get her to stay.
But if she leaves she wins. Shell get custody. Get half my money and pension. To top it off I wont get to see my son because ill be back to living in the accomidation block.
So basically damned if I go damned if I stay. Guess being happy is out of the question.
My daughter is in this situation. She has had no contact w any friends or family. Her number has changed an now i do not know were my daughter an grandson live......i do not know what to do for her....i want to help an protect my daughter...she wouldnt listen cause i think she has been brain warshed....i can help her in every way..she doesnt need to face this alone..i dont know how to help her...i pray each day is the day she calls so i can help....any ideas on how to get my daughter an grandson out if this....thanks
i have lived within an abusive , jealous , controlling , marriage for 16 years now . it is becoming intolerable and i have had my best clothes ruined , my hair chopped , i have been humiliated and she always turns any females who show any liking for me totally against me by poisoning their minds . it leaves me depresssed and sick to the pit of my stomach . i know she will never change .
Now that I'm out of my abusive relationship - looking back and reading this is almost like another weight off my shoulders. Once I broke from the marriage, I felt as if I'd been brainwashed. And sure enough, I really was!! My ex-husband showed all but 2 of the warning signs. I wish I had found this website before getting married.
Thanks for the info.
One of the most emotionally abusive traits is that a domestic abuser will turn his spouse's family against her. I have an 87 year old mother that my spouse calls with his "Mr. Niceguy" fascade, and even sent her flowers. I lost my dad in 2004 and brother in 2007. Standing up against a domestic abuser is daunting. My litigation for a divorce with a protective order has taken so far over 3 years in Oklahoma. The victimization also extends to Familt Courts like in Tulsa ... over 40 hearings and status conferences, and I'm still not divorced! However, the most tragic aspect is how my abuser has turned my mother against me with his manipulative disguise. I think there need to be better laws so a victim's family cannot be manipulated by an abuser.
What can help abusers change? therapy and if you cant afford that, than what?
Nothing. Nothing helps them.
YOU need therapy for JUST YOU. And to leave asap
This is a very good article but I can't believe that there is NO hope for people who are abusers and this is what I see missing. There has to be some sort of training/therapy for abusers to have self awareness to their destructive actions. Otherwise, all is lost for their lives, as well as for their victims. There is research to show the common personality traits of these people, surely there is some sort of research as to how to re-educate the minds of the abusers. It seems like they lack awareness of the consequences of their actions, which are as destructive to them as the victims. In these cases, all are lost.
Wow.very helpful and informative. Definitely helpful :)
"Pussy pass"??? WOW! Sounds like you may have some of your own issues to address in counseling. Let's just acknowledge that it can happen to ANYONE...by ANYONE!
FACTS about Domestic Abusers:
- Most domestic abusers (89-90%) do not have a college degree. Most have high school or a GED at best.
- Most domestic abusers are male
- Most domestic abusers lie and smear the victim when they are charged. **RED FLAG** - a guilty abuser will almost always smear the victim in an attempt to avoid a criminal record, unless they are truly remorseful and want treatment, then they plead guilty early.
- a sign of a dangerous abuser is SEVERAL domestic assault charges against the same victim, continuing prosecution without lessening of charges by the district attorney or crown attorney (sign of a strong case)
- domestic abusers get arrested again and again and not necessarily for assault charges - usually Driving While Intoxicated, Drug and Possession charges
- domestic abusers lie, constantly, to everyone.
- domestic abusers have histories of infidelities BUT accuse their partners of infidelity
- domestic abusers usually have had children with more than one female and/or have been married more than once.
- domestic abusers are drawn to jobs that require charm and false fronts such as sales
- domestic abusers usually have strange sexual issues or are sex addicts
- domestic abusers usually abuse a woman for an average of SEVEN years before they are caught.
- true domestic abusers will continue to ignore court conditions, contact and harass, threaten the victim or woman, may rape her and re-assault her as punishment for her seeking assistance from the police
- domestic abusers gain pleasure from evading authorities and usually brag about this
- domestic abusers leave clues as to their plans for abuse before they abuse - there is always a trail in hindsight
- the MOST dangerous domestic abusers have used MORE than one of the following violent lethal tactics against a woman:
*strangulation or choking
*punching
*smothering
*anything that causes a head injury (pushing into a surface, blunt force trauma from a fist or an object)
HEAD INJURIES AND STRANGULATION ARE THE NUMBER ONE INDICATORS OF DANGEROUSNESS IN A DOMESTIC ABUSER
IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN CHOKED OR HAVE SUSTAINED A HEAD INJURY YOUR RISK OF DEATH IS TRIPLED.
1. STRANGULATION CAROTID ARTERY PRESSURE = DEATH WITHIN MINUTES
2. HEAD INJURIES
= BRAIN SWELLING or HEMMORRAGE = DEATH WITHIN MINUTES
When a district attorney wants to take a true domestic abuser to trial, and any of the above exist (strangulation or head injury in the victim), they really want the abuser convicted, because the literature and research supports this - these types of injuries are synonymous with lethality in domestic violence situations and present with the most risk factors in terms of re-offending.
Wow, this I article describes my husband perfectly. Sadly, I really love him but I know that this marriage is just not healthy for me. After 20 years, I'm going to have to leave. I'm so scared.
The advantage is that you know have the wisdom through experience, you ever see a trace of these traits run a mile don't take the risk!!
I am a female and my abuser is female I was mature enough to read this article and appropriately relate it to my individual situation, it's nothing to get angry about the word he was used, the same style if writing is used in the bible but refers to all of man kind. You clearly have angry issues get help! Or at least keep the fuck away from me. Your behaviour reflects how unhappy of a person you are I pity you
How do i post this on facebook??
All of this confirms the suspicions I have had that my son's wife is an emotional abuser. Now he is in th fight of a lifetime to retain some contact with pre-school children. Where can he get help in Colorado?
Anonymous
He needs to go (not call) to his nearest DV Center and ask to speak to an advocate. They will start pointing him in the right direction.
wow, almost everything on here fits my husband to a T!! Its crazy that everyone else can see what he does except for him. I have been working up to leaving him for awhile now. The only thing my husband has never done before is cause me physical violence.
I am currently going through this exact situation. Please forgive me if the text on here looks a little funny I am doing talk to textbecause I shake very bad for my anxiety so its hard for me to text. I am currently with a man I've been with for 3 years and I just found out this summer he is a sociopath he mentally abuses me like no one else has ever had done to me in my life. It would take me forever to tell you everything he has done to me but he calls me names put me down I have them on tape even I have to record him because this past summer I threaten to leave and he ran to our local police department and since you reported it first he says I hit him I scratched him I apologize I scratched him so they arrested me but knew it was BS either which way it ended up dropped and his excuse for doing it to me was well I needed to screw you before you screwed me. I'm not even like that I don't play mental games like that he ripped me to shred mentally. He made sure nobody is in my life I have nowhere to go nowhere to live he takes the car tells me if I use it to call the police because I bought the car but he conned me into putting it in his name when we first started dating. He sometimes even won't let me eat the food in the refrigerator because he said he bought it. My daughter is 16 my oldest daughter she wanted up pregnant I do not condone this it all but he said she could no longer live here with the baby I like him think it was his idea I told her to go stay with her boyfriend and his family they are good people until I can get out of here somehow. She did not need to be tortured by him. I chose him she didn't she cannot pay for my mistakes. I have a custody battle going on with my other two kids in Florida and then in a way it is a god sent that they are not here right now I couldn't imagine them in during what I am going through. He is a major alcohol abuser and now he just started with pain pills that are prescribed but he does abuse them. He blames everything on me there is nothing I can do right and there's nothing I can do to satisfy him he always wants more I don't know how much more I can take. I have nowhere to go no friends no family nothing he made sure of that. I do not know what to do or where to turn I just can't believe sociopathic abuse is not illegal in America. I've looked into shelters but domestic violence shelters around here are all and horrible part of town. & a lot of them expect you or want you to have kids before you check into them and I am NOT dragging my daughter into a shelter if anyone has any advice please I welcome it I am lost right now
I need some help with my wife.....
She went through this crap for over 30 something years. He was so controlling he did not allow the kids to ever go to school. He got away with that by saying they are home schooled. He was 26 years older then her, kept her in the woods and lived in a shack not fit for animals.
The problem is she knows no other life....She was 15 when they met and he was her Godmother's husband. At 19 he threw Godmom out and said it is time to put up or get out, She felt trapped.
We have been together 3 years and I am thinking that she does not really understand how a relationship works and is doing to me what was done to her. I have tried to get her into counseling but she makes me out to be the bad guy and then I am screwed because we all know that it is always the guys fault. I love my wife with every ounce of my being and I know without question she is my soul mate. I just don't know how to get her to understand I am not her Ex.
Please understand that I am not a saint because I have become very frustrated over 3 years and I have said and done thing I am not proud of but I just don't know what to do. Can anyone PLEASE help me to understand and point me in the right direction.
I met my husband in my first year of senior high. Its not like i met met him during my first year of being senior , it was more like we started dating during that period in time. It was the first time in my life i felt like my heart was going to explode when anyone touched me or kissed me. I knew i was in love with him and there was no way of saying that i wasn't and i also believed that he loved me just as much as i loved him. In more sense i could mistake what we felt as something magical. We planned our lives together thinking and knowing we are going to be together forever and nothing was ever going to tear us apart. But life being as it is, we woke up and reality set in. Although this month made it the 9th year since we have being together, last year was brought us series of problems. Professionally, i am a medical doctor and he is an art painter so there is no way on earth i will always be around because its the nature of my profession. I always made sure i spend most of my free time with him and not friends. As much as i love him, i also love saving lives so it was so selfish to ask me to choose. I will never ask him to choose between me and his art work because i knew how much he loved painting and how much he loved me also. O well that is all history just wanted you all know what caused our problem. I can go on and on telling how selfish he was towards me and my profession but it will be pointless. In the end i found out he was seeing someone else even if we were still married. I only knew about three months after they started their affair. And his reason for cheating was that he needs closure that i made sure i gave each time i was home with him. All that needing of closure speech could also be rephrased as he was tired of us and needed someone new after eight years of been together. I wish i told him he was never going to see me again but it was the opposite he ended us there and then. Call me crazy or whatever, i knew in my heart that if i had let him go like that i would never had found love again. A spell caster called Metodo Acamu help me cast a spell to bring us back together. I know it sounds hypocritical to even mention i used a spell to get back together with my husband because for goodness sake i am a medical doctor and i should know better than that but it true along with every other testimony about Metodo Acamu spell you have all seen on the Internet. Like most of the testimonies you may have read, i never intended on contact a spell caster but desperation drove me to am only glad i contacted the right one. He only asked me to provide four materials that i can not disclose which i was to mail to him through DHL or UPS but i decided to just send the total cost to him Because firstly my job does not permit me the time secondly some of the materials where not even found here in Chicago or the united state as a whole while other did not just go down with me to actually send via mail. But i promise you his spell worked. We are more in love than ever before just like when we first started dating and our relationship is more healthier that it ever was. Its been six months since Metodo Acamu help me get back together with my husband and like i said his month made it our 9th year of being together. I will his email contact here for mailing purpose { metodoacamufortressx[AT]yahoo{DOT}com } note:use this email the way you use yours in the stand email format
To the abusive MALE (anonymous 917pm) who left the comment to "beat her with a baseball bat",
You have been reported to authorities. (Thanks for the "trackback"!)
Have fun with that bud. We hope you aren't out on parole again ... that would be very bad for you! ... Abusive much?! Yeah, we thought so.
Men like you should be in prison, yet you would imprison those who don't bow to you. Guaranteed, there is a REALLY good reason why no one could possibly respect you, or even truly want you, especially after reading your violent comment that reflects the character basis of your immoral and violent turpitude.
There is a lot of info on this blog. I have been married to an abusive woman for 27 years. We dated for 2 years with no incidents of abuse whatsoever. On day one of our marriage the abuse started.
First it was yelling and calling me an idiot because I couldn't read french road signs on our honeymoon in Montreal. Then I was driving too slow, or should be in the right lane not the middle lane. "Park in that space, it is two spaces closer." It was immature and somewhat annoying but not abusive, not yet.
Within a couple months the constant nagging turned to physical abuse. That's right... she was complaining that I needed to come home from my 60 hr a week job and jump right on the todo list. When I suggested that I needed 30 mins to transition, she said I was Lazy, worthless sack (well you get the idea) I told her I was sick of being manipulated, cussed out, and bullied if she didn't get her way.
Bam! Out of nowhere she punched me in the head. The room spun and I crashed to the ground. She had spent several years studying Tai Quan Do in college and apparently had found her first chance to use it. After I got up, I defended myself against numerous attacks until she gave up. Later she retold this story starting with the part where I pushed her away. She would say, "He pushed me" and "My husband is an abuser." Once the dust settles and the facts come out the counselors are able to determine her initiation. Several have said they would call the authorities and report HER if I tell them of any more incidents of violence. Of course she says, "We are never going to see that idiot counselor again."
She manipulates her two friends in the world, all three of our kids regularly. But she gives herself license to be particularly abusive to me.
If you have been dating someone and then marry them and they change significantly, suddenly into an abusive individual, just leave! Divorce them. Don't waste decades on therapists, or church counselors. The depth of the wounds are enormous and you only have a slim chance of them facing these wounds and maturing past them.
I have wasted 27 years with someone who, according to one psychologist transferred her hatred for her dad to me on our wedding day. I went from hero to zero and have been there ever since.
The Abused Husband
Thank you!!! Oh my God. I've been suffering from emotional and verbal abuse since I was five years old. I'm now 22 years old and I'm trying to find a way out. My boyfriend is actually very supportive and my parents are actually the ones doing this to me. Unfortunately, I need more money to move out, so I have to with stand the abuse for this long. After reading your blog, it is perfectly clear that I need to move the hell away from where I live. Apparently, these types of abuse can happen anywhere. My neighbor suffered from emotional, physical and verbal abuse from when they were young too. They are still dealing with it now. I think they are saving up to move out as well. Thank you. I'm going to definity move on.
Dear The Abused Husband, I really think you should move on. Getting abused constantly is tiring and exhausting. It drains you too much and makes you feel sick afterwards. I suggest moving on or else it will get even worse. Please find a way out. I too will find a way out. I hope the best for you and for you to find true happiness.
I know exactly how it feels to be abused. Was abused as a kid mentally by mother and now I am being abused by a man that i thought was kind wonderful.
the things he has said to me is the most horrific things that anyone could ever say to a woman. He has also degraded so many that i have come in contact with. Men or women like need major help and will never see the light until they get it.
Any sort of abuse can really do damage to a person's mind and heart. Especially when the other one feels nothing for that person and is coldhearted.
The only thing I disagree with here is that the part about rules. It is not always a bad thing to break the rules in society. If we do not break the rules of society there would be no progression.
My wife was physically beating and punching me yesterday and today she was actually justifying it, exactly like this article, she was saying things like I was at fault because I try speak with her in the "wrong way" and various other bizarre rationalizations for beating me ... I didn't touch her all I did was curl into a ball while she was hitting me. The reason for her beating me was because I tried to for once just stand up for myself and ask that she allow me to talk .. for years, I have not been even allowed to start any kind of serious conversation with her about anything or she instantly blows up, screams at me, says nasty things like 'stop talking', walks away without ever listening, talking over me constantly and never allowing me to even finish a sentence ... it's been years since someone actually just genuinely listened to me and allowed me to speak, and I realized the other day suddenly that I actually *miss* the *feeling* of just being able to talk to a partner and have them actually genuinely listen and care about what I say and not just instantly shut you down and refuse to allow you to say anything or to just basically listen .. I thought, it's so weird to actually miss such a thing. Everything I say is treated as having no value. I tried to kind of peacefully but firmly 'stand up for myself' and "insist" I just be allowed to just *talk*, to just please listen and allow me to talk ... and because I had the audacity to ask her to actually allow me to speak and have a voice in the relationship she just went crazy and started beating me worse than before. I have a painful bruise on one side. She insisted it's just her personality to blow up like that and that I am in the wrong for not 'accepting her as she is' for blowing up at me or shutting me down every time I try to have any kind of earnest conversation. The violence started slow but is getting more and more. I'm afraid to tell anyone, as I fear they will be suspicious I somehow caused this because you know, I'm the male, and everyone assumes it's only males who abuse. I really don't know what to do. She says it's my fault she hit me because I didn't 'wait for her to calm down' before speaking to me. Every time I start a discussion she blows up, and supposedly I must 'wait for her to calm down' before being allowed to speak, but if do as I usually do i.e. wait for her to calm down she still doesn't allow me to speak later either, I feel like she has contempt for my feelings, I have started to feel like nobody cares about what I have to say, I start to feel like what I say has no value and just stop speaking most the time ... sometimes a friend or even a stranger will genuinely ask me how my day was or listen to something I say and this strange feeling hit me recently of that I actually just *miss* just the feeling of someone actually caring about my day or about what I have to say .. it's like I've somehow come to internalize the idea that whatever I say is worthless ... and when I interact with other people it's like this occasional refreshing sense that it's not the case.
I was afraid for my life I am at the point of losing my sanity my head hurts so bad from him pulling my hair so much it's only when he has money that he leaves me for the week I am broke now but at least his not hurting me what has helped me is a dear friend from my past he reminds me that no one deserves to be beaten and that there are laws to protect us but for me I started my abuser with a small buisness he was poor before me and now he can stand on his own two feet I endured alot of loss but for some reason I never gave up get a plan going think very carefully get another number change your routine dont leave nothing in your name when you start over again and tell yourself I dont need him and most importantly remember the abuser is incapable of change and does not love you love is not suppose too hurt
I think judges should focus more on bruises and black eyes. I was punched by my ex and when I went to a lawyer the lawyer asked me if he had ever punched me in the head so hard I lost consiouness, which I had not because he punched me in my back so nobody would see the bruises. The lawyer said unless I had evidence it would not be much, so I walked away with no help
Judges and lawyers only focus on the two big ones - if you are stranguled or if you lost consiousness. There are other ways to abuse someone!!!!!! And it hurt a lot, not just being chocked.
I came in contact with a psychic who cast a spell for me to get back my lover back. i have been scammed thousands of dollars by some fake spell casters, i needed my lover back so desperately because of the loneliness that have echoed in my heart. until i was referred to meet a spell caster on-line on this address by a friend who has once felt their powers “oselovespelltemple@gmail.com”. i emailed the spell caster with little or no faith because of the previous and terrible experience i have had. He then cast the spell it worked after 2days just the way he said it would be. I am glad with all gratitude that i now have my lover back in my life with his help. he is so real with no doubt. why not see for yourself if in such worries. again on oselovespelltemple@gmail.com
this article was amazing, everything that I have stressed about for 15 years has been explained. I always felt something was wrong but I had been so manipulated that I made excuses for my partner. He has always lied about money and though he works for almost twice my income he is always broke, made me spend every last cent I had on him. He is secretive and hates all my friends and family. when I was diagnosed with breast cancer he become so much more horrible. All the attention was on me so he punched a wall and broke the knuckles on both hands so he was more helpless than I was. He is tremendous at being the victim, everyone thinks he is so nice partly because I always lie about how good our relationship was. Everyone feels sorry for him. He yells at me and humiliates me in front of our kids and the neighbours. He tells me how I am ugly, smelly, no man will want me, if I leave him I will suffer so much, how I am stupid, dumb cunt, bitch, wicked etc. He says if God is real then I must suffer and die. Although I am now cancer free he is always telling me I have brain metastasis and I will die soon, how I am bipolar and need medication etc. He always makes me feel like I am crazy. He isolated me from everyone and viciously quarrels if I want to go anywhere. he slaps me and pelts me during arguments, even during chemo. I can do nothing right in his eyes and he tells me I am not worth marrying ever. I am to blame for everything and if I change everything would be alright. This article helped me to separate from him. I am so grateful I read it. He is trying to turn the kids against me but I am on to his methods. Thank you so much for saving me
I didn't realize there was so many of us
I am with a narracist. He beats me, berates me, violently blames me for every aspect of his life that has gone wrong. What is bewildering is that he has made sure that everyone thinks I am the crazy one. He manipulates situations, fast to blame,insults my family,calls me names. Exhausting. What's awesome is that he carries on like nothing has happened after the fact. He feels it is strange that I am the cuntbag for not engaging. He is messed up. Jekyll and Hyde complex!
Then after, I was able to save money for a retainer, and my attorney told me that I'd get temporary spousal support in 6 weeks and his attorney -a woman managed to put that hearing off for almost a year. I had to go back because he rescued cats(strange he loved animals compulsively) but, he took in cats without even asking me and 4 are extremely attached to me. He will have money for cat food, but none for my food. Luckily, I got disability income. I THANK GOD FOR THAT. Not enough to live off of, but NOW- he lost the house that I put a down payment on & made payments on for years and I had no place to go except to move away from my brother who would not help me because my parents left me the house that they bought off me at cost 1/2 below market value & my life's saving was invested in that house at that time-
but, I had to move to CO where my husband wanted to move and after he up & quit his job, his mom got his dad to buy him a house. She'd have me on the street if she could & im constantly being treated by my husband and that his mom will kick me out. But, they have a WONDERFUL GROUP THAT HELPS ABUSED WOMEN and I'm still working on getting away & I was smart enough to have him sign that he chose to marry a disabled woman.. I was not,but DISABILTY kicked back to when I first applied & was able to work for a little while longer, so I can possibly get LIFE TIME SPOUSAL SUPPORT FOR BEING DISABLED. He owes me so much that it would take that to repay me. MY ADVICE IS TO LEGALLY PROTECT YOURSELF NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE MARRYING - rennet he said & did all of the right things before I married him! RESEARCH RESEARCH Call Battered women's shelters, get phone numbers to every resource and call! Google and read everything that you can. Go TO GET AS MANY FREE LEGAL CONSULTATIONS AS YOU CAN. They have great attorneys that advocate for women at Greeley CO. Safe house. And advocates. I pray this will help some women not get trapped. His thinking is warped AND HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! IF YOU DONT HAVE KIDS RUN!!
If you do have kids research all that you can, gather information and make a plan! Stash cash!!& hide it!!
Been in this sick relationship for 15 yrs. He was Prince charming in the beginning.. That soon changed. Little things, like he didn't like my hair style, my clothes,my friends. I've been isolated with a mental illness which I think most of it has to do with him. I would drop restraining orders as if he went to jail, he said he wouldn't see his two children from his first marriage. He DIDN'T see them anyhow. I finally found something tucked away in papers in my closet, it was a half sheet of paper describing things he had done to me that were so disturbing to relive..and that was just ONE of the days that he was abusive. I cried and realized what this so called human being had done and still does to me. I have a therapist and am trying to find low income housing. By the way..I used to be a homeowner and held a job. I feel so stupid that it has taken me 15 yrs to figure it all out. It's hard to see it when you're living it on a daily basis. This is it with him, I'm 51 and want to find myself again..drive around listening to my favorite music like years before, and feel the sunshine on my face. Then I want to scream "I'm free" too bad it's not that easy, but the thought keeps me sane..for now. Good website thank-you and good luck everyone. Always protect that little place inside called sanity.
I tell my partner of eight years how I feel, about our relationship his bipolar and it doesn't get through its just goes in a continuous cycle he has his own house refuses to live in it.. Takes my money eats my food and expects my attention 24/7 I am feeling insane tired and used then he turns and blames me or someone else every conversation ends in screaming and then sorry it's just my meds or I'm going to councillors... Am I going crazy....or is this just a never ending spiral into the abyss he used to be physically abusive but has a adopted a new way.... He has everyone wrapped around his little finger and even the little family I have look at me as if I'm asking for it...
Wow unbelievable! Thank you for this post. Everything said in post is my life !exactly ! Just need to figure away out safely.
I am a female and I think your percentages are quite close to accurate. Females are the queens of mental manipulation. Instead of abusers we call them "mean girls"..
A bully is a bully. Male or female.
However I must say that men all seem to have the pee conceived notion that all women are capable of being controlled. I haven't met one who hasn't tried. In experiencing this I've seen myself also inheriting the behavior as a defense mechanism to protect myself from being controlled. It's like once I spot one who is like that I turn into the hulk.
I've chosen to remain single until I meet a man who actually respects me. Fingers crossed.
Now a days people think the woman is the abuser no matter what. My husband uses this to his full advantage. He knows exactley what to say and do to me to get me going, he's got me so high strung right now, I yell all the time and he has everyone beleaving that its all me he does nothing to upset me , he didnt say anything he didnt do anything he didnt say anything , he just pushes my buttons and then goes see look at her he earns his special abused husband little brownie points, I swear to freaking god though he does everything in his power to play with my head its like messing with is the only thing that he thinks about 24/7. I dont even want to get out of bed or leave the house anymore, he has everyone turned against me, take a long hard look at any man who says his wife or his girlfriend abuses him , I understand that this happens not as much as people think , If a man says hes been or being abused or that his x way a psycho I hope for your own sanity and safety that you decide to stay away from him
Most men who claim they are being abused by their wife or girlfriend are totally 100% full of crap. They are the abuser and they know it. They might be able to make her look bad and tell their bullcrab story I'm sorry I think you are stupid if u beleave it. If u meet a man who says he was or is being abused or that his x was just a psycho or a liar I would really run the other way fast , if u were to get into a relationship with this person they are going to get control over you and it will be horrible you will have no one he will turn everyone against u , He can make it so u cant do anything and everything for yourself, maybe if he gets really mad at you instead of killing you and going to prison he can just get you to kill yourself be very careful with these male claims of abbuse
ive dealt with serious family abuse for years- and no one helped me. Everyone tries to make me think my family are good people. Those people are all sick too and it's messed up. There are so many twisted people out there. My family have done some really bad things to me and got others involved. Theyre doctors mostly. The counselors ive gone to for therapy most have abused me too. I can't seem to find people who will help and with healing. at least some people can get therapy
I have recently realised I was being emotionally abused and I am so grateful for the information given. It exactly what I experienced for 3years now. I am glad I read this blog.
This perfectly describe my ex-fiance, who I am trying to protect my son from.
Main red flag: He told me I was easy to abuse because I wouldn't tell anyone.
My ex went from loving, caring guy to an absent father and a partner that pushed me, neglected, and degraded me and our son. We broke up many times, which has always been me asking if he wanted to break up and he said yes. He bagged me to come back, promised to change but things kept on getting worst every time. Finally, in February I realized that something was very wrong, he was gone all the time, never had any money, left me a single mom and didn't care. I asked if there was another female and he said no. In April(23) we broke up. He then began telling me he loved me, wanted to live together, and promised to change but he was still gone all the time. We were intimate though. At the end of the month I got tired of the neglect and emotional abuse but at least he wasn't physical, although I was unhappy to find out that he didn't want to pay child support. He attacked me and I never called the police on him. I did think about it when I was scared in the bathroom but I didn't have a phone on me. He refused to leave so I came out. He was sweet and loving, bagging me to not call the police, telling me its not who he was and he will never hurt me. It was easy to control me because I was a sucker for words and I have anxiety so I felt trapped. He also always threaten to call cops on me if I left with our son without his permission so I was stuck. I didn't know he couldn't do that, through out our relationship he convinced me that he could. A few days later I told him I needed to go help my mom so I finally got out. While away I learned that he is a huge liar, manipulator, and had been talking behind my back the whole time. He was also a cheater, cheated on me and with me on his new gf. After finding that out I told him I no longer loved him and I was filing for child support, this was also because I learned he couldn't threaten me with police. He did try that after words but it failed. So he broke into my place and stole my stuff claiming that I did that to him. He threatened me in massages but he didn't make it clear so I didn't have a case. I went to take out protection order because he didn't care about his son. He knew police was looking for him so he hid. His gf helped him, it was obvious when the detective talked to her but he said we had no case. Once he was found 2 months later he got out of his warrant for not paying child support for another kid and he began txting me telling me he loved me. I turned him down and hoped I will win protection order. I didn't get any legal help and I didn't know he was going to be asking me questions directly. I was anxious in court and he knew I'd be so so he said I had a mental condition which is why I was breaking down, he told the judge we were broken up for over a year(huge lie), and that I fantasized we were together. He said he finacial took care of me and our son and I had no job (all was a lie) He also said that him attacking me and breaking into my place was made up. I was gonna show the judge all the prove I had but she dismissed the court and told the guards to take me out the court room. I didn't refuse to go, I didn't fight, I wasn't violent or called anyone names, I have no idea why she said that. I spoke to a lawyer soon after and after looking at my proof he was shocked no one asked to see it. I was told I need a lawyer to fight for custody against a manipulator.
His new GF will experience it sooner or later, since turns out it's just who he is. He has been cheating on her and lying to her but she trusts his words. He is good at manipulating but I will never give up.
My husband was super romantic, kind and sweet when I first met him.
After "I do", it was like a light switch was pulled and out came the "bully".
We bought a house together, but if it was not for my "squeaky clean credit", we would still be living in his dilapidated duplex. IN retrospect, I now believe he used me to get the house.
We planned for me to go off the pill, and have a baby.
The minute I told him the blood test came back "positive", his response was, "I hope you lose it!" Then he drove away and I went to a friends house, totally baffled.
He went out and got laid by a co-worker, he had been with prior to me.
I wanted to leave but I was only working part time, and my morning sickness was the worst.
For three months I lived with my head in the toilet while he "played tennis", which is code for: playing tennis or getting laid by yet another co-worker.
He found "like-minds", ie: others with no integrity, like him. What women break the "sister code", especially with a child involved.
She bought him "stuff" so he hung onto her for half of our marriage. He slept on the coach and shut down 100%. TOTAL SILENCE to make the vibes in the house unbearable and tense.
He went into rages and screamed at me until I was literally shaking.
NO HUMAN CAN BE WITH SOMEONE THEY ARE AFRAID OF.
Get this, he has his "mistress" go to the police, saying I was harassing her on the phone.
The police report actually says, Ms. Penta said she was having an affair with Blakes husband, and she did not want her calling." THAT'S RICH officers.... a whore walked into a police station.....whatever.
The cops told me over the phone that my husband encouraged her to do this.
I told them I called her once, a year ago, I left a message, "when your done f***ing my husband can you ask him to call home about OUR son?"
Legally, ONE phone call is NOT harassment.
Check his cell phone bill in the computer and you will learn a lot. Never tell what you learn or they will get another phone. Never show your hand until the card game is over.
Even with the PHONE BILL as proof, these BULLIES will continue to lie and deny. It's their motto after all.
She buys him stuff and because he is JAMAICAN, they typically (not all) are always hunting for a "better deal." Someone who makes more money even if they are a fat disgusting pig who was passed around like a football at their STATE OF CONNECTICUT jobs in Newington, CT. She has a time share in St Barts, and she paid for a weekend in Newport, RI so he she could BUY a weekend with him.
Marrying into another culture is not always a good idea. Jamaican women are use to having husband who "sleep around", and have multiple babies with numerous women. They wear it like a badge of honor. The whole wedding vows thing is NOT THEIR CULTURE, so its just words to them, not an actual vow.
Our son is off to college now, and so I am here all alone recovering from a lumbar fusion.
I am officially done with 25 years of toxic hell.
Last night he came home from "tennis", started his "military voice", and then picked up a lamp attached to an end table, over his head, like he was going to bash me over the head!
I have not stopped shaking yet.
Time to find a small apartment in St Thomas, USVI, so I can live out my dream by the sea.
I have to try and pack without him seeing or knowing.
If your husband is a lying, cheating, bully who shows you zero respect, and prays for you to miscarry, GET OUT QUICK. (he knew I had already had a miscarriage, so it hurt even more.
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