Sanctuary for the Abused
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
Married To A Narcissist & Waiting For Good Times To Return?
By Diane England, Ph.D.
When you said your vows, what were you expecting? I suspect if you were like most women, you thought you were entering a partnership. You would enjoy shared power, right?
I bet you’ve discovered something quite different, though. I bet he likes to have power over you, isn’t that so? And to ensure he achieves and maintains this, he might well use emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and even sexual abuse, too.
The thing is, you might not even realize that your relationship with your narcissistic spouse is filled with these forms of abuse. You might feel badly or experience emotional pain much of the time, but still not understand why. You might well believe your narcissistic spouse when he tells you how you are the problem, and if you just changed and did these things he wanted, well, life would be grand.
For him, that is.
He keeps emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse in his marital toolbox because they work for him. Meanwhile, you believe that the two of you have a partnership.
Sorry, but a relationship with a narcissist is not about partnership.
Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism don’t know what that means. They are self centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Whether successful or not, they feel entitled to have what they want when they want it.
Rather like the two-year-old.
The narcissistic throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want, too. The difference is, they scream more than how they hate you; those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism are inclined to scream obscenities and other hurtful things. All of them help your self esteem to plunge, plus make the anxiety butterflies swirl, wouldn’t you agree?
Let me back up a minute here, though. Perhaps you might want to argue that your spouse has never been diagnosed with any mental health problems, and especially not Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. Please realize, however, that narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic symptoms can occur in varying degrees. So, someone need not be diagnosable as having full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display what you’ll see referred to in various internet articles as unhealthy, pathological, or malignant narcissism. However, even lesser degrees of narcissism can be problematic in your relationship.
I might not have to tell you that. Then again, have you ever suspected your spouse’s emotional abuse and sexual abuse, for example, were associated with pathological levels of narcissism?
So, how many of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder must your narcissistic spouse meet in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders for you to be the victim of his narcissism - which could be fueling his abuse plus perhaps alcoholism or drug addiction?
Sadly, too often, these all come together in one neatly wrapped package.
But back to the question I originally posed; I really can’t answer it.
What I will say, though, is don’t keep you eyes shut because in the beginning, things were so good between the two of you. You might have believed you had finally met your white knight. You might have been so enamored with him because of the whirlwind romance that included flowers, candlelight dinners, outrageously expensive gifts considering the time you’d been together, and romantic getaways that also included great sex.
No, don’t keep thinking if you can only get it right, or do all the things he asks, those days will probably return.
I rather hate to tell you this, but you’re probably wrong. Oh, he might act that way now and then to keep you hooked in and believing you’re about to rediscover Camelot, but he is only seducing you - again.
A narcissist is like a leopard; he can not change his spots. Okay, he might be able to change if he really wanted to do so. But if you are in love with a narcissist, you need to understand that you’ll likely be seeking counseling on how to leave a narcissist long before he’s inclined to seek help on how to alleviate himself of his narcissistic tendencies.
If you have a narcissistic husband, listen very carefully: Narcissists seduce you with their charm, the romance, and the great sex. Once they have you hooked, things change - and not for the good.
In fact, is the great sex still so great? Or instead, is it about him and his needs and wants? Also, you might feel he has to give a great performance, and you’re always expected to commend him for a job well done, too. And rather than feeling closer to him, instead, have you felt you’ve become more and more merely an object to him?
There is even a chance the great sex has switched over into sexual abuse. Perhaps the transition has been so gradual, however, that you haven’t actually seen the truth about what was happening - or where you have ended up as a result. But if you stop and think about your sexual relationship with your narcissistic spouse, you might realize you’ve been doing things that don’t appeal to you sexually, but only to him. In fact, they might make you feel degraded.
He not only doesn’t bring flowers anymore, but it is probably worse than that. You’d realize that if you got real about your marriage.
Yes, it is probably hardly a relationship in the sense that you define the word. Are you always worrying about what might please or displease him? And to ensure you do neither, do you do things against your personal values?
You probably want to avoid his narcissistic rage. And again, you hope if you’ll only do as he wants, things will be like they were in the early days - when you held hands and made love in a romantic haze.
Again, it is time to get real. That was an act to suck you in. Now, though, if he is walking around being his self centered and grandiose self, engaging in emotional abuse and verbal abuse that causes your self worth to slip away daily, he is nonetheless likely being the man he will continue to be.
You might well be able to somehow survive the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse.
You might keep telling yourself that the sexual abuse is not sexual abuse because you actually are okay with what he asks of you - as kinky (and comfortable) as it perhaps has become.
I suspect you might be shut down and out of touch with your feelings, however. You also might be taking pride in your ability to cope with things you shouldn’t have to cope with anyway. And if that is the case, realize you are not the first and last woman to make this discovery. Frankly, I myself have been there; I took pride in my martyrdom. But really, what’s the sense in that?
I decided I didn’t like being in a relationship with a narcissist. I also knew I never wanted to be in a relationship with one again, though I suspect I met one or two along the path on my way to recovery.
Your life is yours to live as you please; you have to make your own choices. I suspect, though, that you give your life - and your narcissistic spouse - a good hard look. You might realize you’ve been bonded to a fantasy that was probably never more than that.
Meanwhile, you stay stuck loving a narcissist while he serves up a mixture of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse - and some great times, too - to keep you hooked in and doing exactly what he pleases.
Why should you expect differently? Remember, he is self centered, he is self absorbed, and he lacks empathy. And because of his grandiosity, he feels entitled to do as he pleases. In turn, everyone else is here to serve him and meet his needs.
They must be kept in line and under his thumb.
Yes, these are the spots of the narcissist. And no, they probably will not change. So really, is spending your life loving a narcissist the best use of both your love and your time?
I hope your moving your head back and forth.
Dr. Diane England writes for the woman married to a narcissist who is awakening to his narcissism, addictions, and perhaps not only emotional abuse and verbal abuse, but sexual abuse, too. If this is you, and you want to read more article on these topics, plus self development and spirituality or spiritual growth, visit her website at: www.NarcissismAddictionsAbuse.com
(NOTE: THIS SITE DOES NOT BELIEVE CODEPENDENCY EVER APPLIES IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS OR A RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST. The Victim is NEVER EVER to blame in ANY WAY - NOR ARE THEY CODEPENDENT.)
Labels: abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, emotional rape, marriage counseling, narcissism, narcissist, ptsd, sexual abuse, trauma, verbal abuse
45 Comments:
I get something new or even more relatable information each time I read this one. Thanks
My ex wasn't openly abusive to me. He gradually eroded my confidence over several years. It was a slow process, but now I understand it was still abuse. At one point I actually thought I couln't make a sound decision. He bullied our oldest son which is what finally made me leave. He is re-married and wonderful to his new wife. He treats our boys like they are a drain on his finances. He targets our youngest as needing therapy. Actually tried to have his diagnosed as ADHD so the drugs would make him compliant. I have no problems with the kid. I could nver understand why therapists couldn't see through him. A few did: our marriage counselor when he said I should feel special because he married me and our oldest's therapist. I have been singl for 7 years now. I have trust issues. He told everyone I was the abuser, but he was able to find a new partner within 6 months of our divorce. When Ileft he said to me that it was my fault that he treated me poory, because I let him. I actually bought that at the time. I don't now. I'm a great gal that deserves to be treated well.
Mine sounds a bit like yours. We were married for 7 years and he was the most wonderful guy in the beginning. Very slowly however I was eroded also. He did his abuse in a quiet "iM THE DUMB GUY" way. His silence spoke louder than anything he even said. Our divorce has been final for 6 months now and he is getting ready to move in with another gal. Im sure she is a great gal and has a home of her own. She has no children so Im guessing they will live happily forever. I always felt that the biggest drain on my marriage was my baggage......OUR CHILDREN....The fact that he brought a pain in the neck daughter into our marriage meant nothing. this guy is a trip. I figure that EVERTYHING he told me and expressed in the beginning was all the opposite of who he is. I lived in a twilight zone. Wish I was a little healthier about it though.
I'm not sure what to do. I have been with my spouse for a few years now. There are immediate family members who stopped coming around because of all the promises made and big talk of grandiousity. We have lost just about everything because of this. I am afraid to come out and say something to spouse how I feel-in fear they would get angry and retaliate as they are very manipulitive and vengeful. I'm afraid a big blow up is going to insue between people I love and feel that I will be drawn into the middle where I will have to
choose.
get into INDIVIDUAL counseling ASAP. Make a plan and leave.
In contrast to the previous commenture, I'm a man married to a narcissitic woman and I've seen all mentions of mistreatment in one variation or another. What woke me up was my sister who, after a call about 6 months ago, prayed for me over signs of abuse and narcissism she saw, and listened to me when my eyes were finally opened to the history of my now wife. What I revealed to her in both instances as well as e-mail exchanges left her shocked and she admitted, had she known of the information I sent to her several years ago, that she would have told me to run away as fast as I could from the woman. But, we share the most beautiful daughter we could ever be blessed with. And, like all fathers, I'm going to continue to do all I can for her, and to give her the love, approval and nurturing she needs.
I was married to a narrcisst for 22 years. I supported him in every way emotionally, financially and I took care of the children. It was about him and his grandiose plans all the time. I thought I could change him and he would be the man that I married. I kept referring to him as a sick version of himself. What I realized is that he was always who he was. It was my hope that he had this potential to be something better. I wasted a lot of time on him and his emotional abuse was horrific. He started dating while yes while we were still married openly in public not even two blocks from our home in front of our children. Why? He only cared about himself. He split me out of existence and started coming home at 6am. I kicked him out and hit a few speed bumps along the way but for the most part never looked back. Our divorce was official six months ago and he never sees his kid or provides child support. He has since moved in with the girlfriend. I suspect he has been living with her all along. The state is finally catching up with him and garnishing his wages. I since have moved away from him and started anew life with my kids. It is super hard but there is so much to be said for peace. From time to time he still tries to engage me but I only engage with him factually regarding the children. This isn't very often because he really isn't interested in the kids only how they make him look as a deadbeat dad. My family saw through him long ago. They respected my decision to my marriage vows but could see the toll he was taking on me. He sucked the life and my spirit put ou of me. They say I am doing well and have one less mouth to feed. His latest is trying to get the kids to meet his girlfriend. Again about him. Not about homework or taking them anywhere doing anything with them. About him. Since I kicked him out he has not spent one overnight with his children and rarely sees them. The both suffer from this and we have been in family counseling. I guess my advise is simple. Stop thinking the person will change. It's unlikely that they will I tried for 22 years and when I look back all the signs were there. I was in love with the man I thought he could be. Not who he was. As hard as it is get out while you can. Start taking care of yourself because he won't and find peace in that you can focus on you and healing. If you have children. Help them to heal.
Yet no place a look or call or go can help me get away from him without him getting visitation of my kids.
I'm all but dead from stress and worry and have no control I sit here paralyzed on a beautiful weekend day unable to take my kids out . I am depressed lonely and afraid daily and call every number I can find for help.
There is no help or refuge.
I can call cops on him but they actually left him alone and made me leave my place and run to my sisters as he was drunk.
I can't Live at my sisters. The shelters give me two weeks tops and with an apt in my name won't help me anyway.
Call the cops and he's back out next day seeking vengeance .
This article and the millions online describing the problem are getting me nowhere. So great I know the problem . Then they say get out and such . None are realistic and they just make me feel more and more hopeless.
I have been married to a narcissistic man for 23 years. In January it will be two years since he left me, after spending 1/2 of my inheritance from my mother and charging about $40K on my credit cards. He now has turned my three children against me and I am at a complete loss. There is nothing i can do or say to change what he has done. It is almost too much to bear.
Im married to a narcissistic woman. It doesnt get better, but far worse. I am a very passive man, I seen some signs early but didnt recognize then for what they were. Soon after we got married she became aggressive. Attacking everything I did. All of her shortcomings are my fault no matter how much I try to help her. I cant talk to her or she will rain down the wrath of GOD on me. She makes everything about her. Even my mothers passing last year. All this stress has been hard on my body and now I have health issues. (I still work, id rather be at work than home) whenever something happens to me she goes on a tangent and makes it about her. She ran off what few friends I have, and I stopped going to church. ( she will yell at me and be aggressive and loud anywhere, in front of anyone including my family) my family is now distant and I feel trapped. I know she does things on purpose to hurt me in some way, doesnt let me sleep, my things mysteriously end up missing or broken, when she does cook my portion is usually severely undercooked while hers is fine. (I have been hospitalized with food poisioning before). I have caught her doing or saying things and she will deny it, even if it was seconds later!!! Im contantly being accused of cheating. Ironically tired if her always going through my stuff I checked her email. In front of her and seen she had cheated on me. Even seeing the emails she denies it. I know I need ro leave her but she us emotionally unstable and I dont know what she would do.( to me or her) its funny um a big guy 6'5 265. But in a way I fear her. I have seen her truly angry before and she got physical with me. I woukd never and have never hit a woman. I was trying to walk out the house to get away. I eventually was able to leave, but she told her sister I hit her. The next day I got threatening emails from her family. I tried getting us a therapist but she wouldnt let him or me talk and it became a bash me session. When he requested to see me alone she called his office and raised hell to find out what was said. Needless to say thay ended that. My point is if you see the warning signs, man or woman. Run!!! It will only get worse!!!
Hello Everyone,
RUN do not stay with a narcissist!
I have been married to this man for forty-seven years. I finally left after I stood up to him and he hit me. This is not the first time this has happened but it will be the last! Now he is crying for me and has attempted to kill himself. Of course he never really kills himself. I am now waiting for the paperwork from the lawyer to be done.Then I do not know what will happen? Will he come after me and kill me? He has always said that "if he can not have me no one can" Let me put it this way. I rather be dead than live with him!
At least I will be free! They do not change ever!!!!!
is this site still active?
I am just shy of 25 years living with a narcissist. I have also supported him emotionally and financially. All the while having him verbally abuse me of all the things that I do wrong. The Narcissist has had no pressure, no stress and no nagging from me at all. Whenever I tried to disengage from him during his episodes -- he just kept up until I would finally confront him. We are just shy of 4 days from supposedly celebrating our 25th Anniversary and I asked him to move out. That will occur this weekend.
Most of these stories are a mirror image of my story. I am married for 20 years with a narcissist. On our 20th anniversary which also happens to be his birhday, He spent it with his mistress/co-worker who arranged an after work party ( Drinking, Dancing, smoking , you name it). Lies after lies. Came home @ 6AM. Lost his stable job. Night after night after work partying. I am not allowed to ask, get angry, or question all hi s inappropriate behavior. He has a nerve to scream & break things everytime he comes home drunk. I supported him emotionally, financially, physically throughout our marriage. He swept me off my feet in the beginning. We were childhood sweethearts so I thought. All along I thought We are going to grow old together in good times & in bad times but, it seems like I am the only one carrying all the problems while he is partying with his friends & mistress. Not to mention the the 35k he charge on our credit cards. While my 2 children are tightening our belts, he is living like an heiress/millionaire. He is sooo nice to his friends & strangers, but not to us. My children & I feel like we are walking in an eggshell. Outside the house he acts like the nicest person. He also has a problem with alcohol & smoking. He has 2 surgeries because of alcohol abuse, he has not stop drinking, smoking. He doen't listen to reasons. The worst part is He is driving while intoxicated. I don't know who to report this. He is not only a danger to himself but the worst part is he a danger to others. I don't know who to report to to stop him from Driving under the influence of alcohol, He's so called friens that he admoires & adores, don't even stop him from driving while intoxicated. He doesn't listen tome In his mind I am the enemy. He doesn't want to be told. I begged, cried for him to stop all the destructive behaviors that he is doing to no avail. I am drained mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, I don't know who to turn to. I am trying my best to be strong for my 2 beautiful children but it is not easy. All I can do is pray that he will come to his senses and grow up, be mature & responsible.
I dated a woman who was in a long term relationship with a narcissist. She had a series of very bad relationships, most if not all involving abuse, prior to him, who was just prior to me. When we dated, blinded by my infatuation, I did not see the signs of the abuse that she had suffered. She revealed to me that he repeatedly lied and cheated on her, and tried to mold her into a trophy wife. It was only towards the very end of our relationship, and after that the scales were lifted from my eyes, and it scared me, and made me fearful for her. Constantly putting herself down, not wanting to be noticed shrugging off and quickly denying that past abuse still had an effect on her, revealing information regarding ongoing terrible relationships in her immediate family, surprise that I was not prone to excessive profanity, bouts of extreme jealously, flirtation with other women while we dated. I did not "listen" like I should. I regret not saying something when I had the opportunity. When our relationship ended abruptly, I was in shock. I recently found out why. She got back together with him. Left the home and city and friends she loved, for a new job 1,000 miles away from all of that. And she got engaged to him. I am not a religious person, but I am still praying for her that she will find escape from his clutches and true happiness in life.
Do not be afraid to speak up. Find someone to help you take appropriate action if a loved one is in an abusive relationship. Support the person and help them break free.
My God reading your post I thought it was me writing. I too am married to a narcissists, been married for 10 years. I also married my childhood sweetheart. In the beginning he showered me with gifts all the time. Very charming individual I just knew I had married my king. WRONG!!! Well the gifts stopped, the flowers stopped use to get flowers and a beautiful card everytime he got paid. Not anymore. He doesn't even talk to me it has been about a month now and frankly I don't care anymore. I just wish he would move but he won't. Well I finally made up in my mind I deserve better. I owe it to myself to be happy. Why do I need you if we don't even communicate. I don't!! So I have file for divorce again filed 2 years ago but called it off. I will be so glad when this is all over. The funny thing about this is I still love him but I must love myself more!!!!!
JESUS! It will be 6yrs for me & I can't fathom the idea of 25! What is the deal w/ the financial instability, I was raised that the man was the provider, DEFINITELY NOT the case in this house
If you have kids... LEAVE! If not for your sake, do it for theirs. They learn what they live... To abuse or be abused.
If they threaten to hurt themselves if you leave... Don't believe it. They are so much in love with themselves, they couldn't do it. (Another attempt to control you).
If you don't feel safe leaving this person... Get some help from a domestic violence shelter. Make a safe exit plan. They are pros at that and can guide you through it.
TRUST ME!!! I HAVE LIVED THIS, LEFT THIS AND SURVIVED THIS. You will too.
Get some counseling for yourself and for your kids. You all must process this experience for what it is... ABUSE. You have to learn to recognize traits you never saw and help your kids to unlearn what they've seen as "normal behavior" between two people. It isn't normal.
My wife and I were the first lesbian couple to get married legally in our county and we were so happy to be able to finally say our "I Do's". 6months later she left me out of the blue! We had been together since 2012 with a 6 month break up. And after learning about narcissism through my counselor I now realize my wife is that and also a borderline! We haven't divorced yet but she has moved out! What was once a fairytale has now become a nightmare. And in the process of all of this I've been diagnosed with a rare cancer and she doesn't care! My health was getting worse prior to her leaving and I just kept avoiding going to the doctors mainly because I was scared of them finding something and also because I was too busy making her happy! She says it's my fault that I have cancer and that I should of listen to her in the past. All I did was devote my time, love, heart, compassion, and commitment to her and she sucked it in but gave nothing in return! I'm so hurt and confused and depressed! I'm struggling with the manipulation she put me through and pain she has cause while fighting cancer! I've been diagnosed with ptsd because of all of this and it sucks. I have days where I miss her so much but I have to remind myself that what I thought was my wife was just an illusion she never really truly loved or cared for me and that the last three years I got sucked into her world of misery. The struggle and pain she put me through is real but I still can't seem to get over her. The divorce is coming up soon and she still hasn't giving me closure except that she is getting help now and it only took her to realize she needed help after destroying my life! Battling her abuse and her lies hurts more than battling cancer! ��
All of this is slowly killing me. I'm empty inside. I wish I had known about this before him. I have ruined my life. They sure know how to win you only to let you down. He is everything he said he wasn't and nothing he said he was. I give up
Thank you for that lucid web post. I thought I was going crazy for a minute there. I recently ended a relationship with a narcissist. It was a slow process and even though I didn't marry the fellow it eroded my self confidence and personality almost to the state of blank. From reading all of these heartfelt stories, I feel like I was the lucky one. His narcissism was intertwined with a severely advanced alcoholic disease state. He routinely disappeared. The last time he disappeared and hung the phone up my arm went into the air. I realized at that exact moment I was finally finally free. It saved me from so many terrors that awaited me in a future that I did not have to experience. I count my blessings every day now as never before. For I know I will never have the police in my front yard. I will never be bankrupt. The list is at least a hundred items long. In the end I learned more lessons from this experience than from any other. I now have healthy boundaries. I've learned to stand up for myself and actually take the initiative BEFORE I was cornered yet again by this person's attempt to reunite. Its just like Oprah Winfrey says, if somebody shows you who they are believe them the first time. Never before has that lesson Rung true deep into my soul as this experience. Ive learned to pay attention to those "inklings" I so often drowned out before. Even my body reacted to this person when I was physically near him. THAT was my first real clue. By God's grace and a physical distance of 200 miles I was able to discover my own inner strengths I never knew exsisted before. I think I can now allow myself permission to be vulnerable without being blind. To those still finding their way out of the pit, speak your truth and keep speaking it until your soul finds joy again..
I was with mine for 3 and I felt like it was a death sentence. The most suffocating and traumatic time of my life. My vulnerabilities were used to bully me and kept on eating away at my self esteem. I experienced all the abuse and thought he would change. I now realized people like him cannot love anyone be it a wife, friends or even their own family members. Everyone and everything is an opportunity for them to play their game. They want to get from A to B and they will no matter how many people get stepped on in the process. They are manipulators who use reverse psychology. Im glad i had the courage to say that I will not tolerate it and i deserve better!!!Good riddance and i feel that i can now breathe and enjoy the colours of life :-)
Sitting here crying; this article hits the nail on the head in a major way. I feel like I was duped with flowers and romance; he treated me so well when we met; we are going on our 3rd year of marriage and I feel like I don't even know this man anymore. Nothing I do is good enough. My efforts for anything, e.g., a nice dinner, date night, etc. go either unnoticed or I get a "yea, it was good". So sad. I don't know what I'm going to to.
Dear all.
I finally had the guts to leave my abusive cerebral narcissist of a husband today.
And I mean I had the entire house packed up.
Not going to give a long story about it as every story here shows everything he did to me.
Controlling, isolation of friends, trying to tell me what I feel, I had a drink problem (I didn't. He did. He drunk seven strong ales and 3/4 of a bottle of whisky one night! All Transference and projection!)
Only married 8 months. Four of those months he REFUSED to even sleep in the same bed as me. The verbal abuse and psychological abuse escalated so.... I finally had the guts to leave him today.
Cried and cried and cried and retching lots but I did it.
He watched me walk out the door and just had an absolute emotionless face.
Narcissist narcissist narcissist!
Still texting me as if nothing wrong. The man is in pure denial!
Now comes the no contact bit!
This is so hard!
I'm not 100% certain my husband is a narcissist, but he has a lot of the signs. I hear the daily degradation, with excuses & "you misunderstood me" if I call him on it. But the comments are so slight, just barely there. He blames me for everything, & I think he "loves" me because I'm pretty (yay?) Because he'll shell out the money to buy me nice clothing or gym membership, but if I ask to buy a used book for $10 I hear gripes. Not to mention I got rid of my library because he hated it.
But I think I could take all that if it weren't for the condescension & his cold eyes. When he argues with me (I'm a peaceful person, I hate yelling) he coldly says "you don't understand, do you". As if I'm some moron.
I'm looking in a mirror, reading all of this. It's been 15 years and I left once and came back. My sons are 9 and 11 now and the youngest is certainly picking up the negative vibes aND treating me the way he sees me treated. I am at a loss, scared and broken. I don't know where to start. I have no money, no possessions (that he'd let me have anyway) and no clue what to do. I've been with him since I was 18 and honestly don't know if I am string enough.
It's been almost 6 years I married this man and my life changed in more ways than I ever thought. While I was still trying to understand some of his negativity towards others I wasn't really prepared to face what was forthcoming as I became pregnant and had our first child...the relationship went downhill pretty fast, it was all about him in everything he does for himself and everything he does for anyone....I was living in denial and constantly battling with how his behavior was changing so dramatically and trying to talk and make sense of it and make it work. I ve been a strong independent working woman who's done well for herself before marriage...i just couldn't believe what I was made to think of myself now...it was always my fault and I don't take responsibility for my actions.....part of me was also blaming myself and then after a lot of self talk I would think I could deal with it..I should try to make it better now that I have a child..in making it better we have another child...relocated...left my job so he could provide and may be appreciate what my contributions were.... after some quite time....when I didn't agree to some of his expectations to use my savings where he wanted...it started all over again...as my delivery time came near...his behavior further degraded...my research did make me realize I've been abused...the treatment I got in this marriage was explained as form of domestic violence....I kept saying that I won't let that happen to me again....I won't be as vulnerable, I have lowered my expectations of him and have my family support this time.....it wasn't until recently that I found myself reading something I can so relate to...it feels like someone has put my experince in words...I have recently discovered And I am so sure that's it the real problem...my husband has Narcissistic Personality disorder....I do not want to put up with any of his tantrums any more...I need to get back on my feet again ...I do have two daughters with him and its unfortunate I do have to deal with him for their sake....just don't know how...just practicing separation under one roof...and keep wondering g and debating about my next step....
Good advise because a person who is dealing with a narcissist person feels very trapped, alone and isolated from the world. To have a friend who WILL LISTEN can save them in everyway...especially possibily give them the strength to leave. If nothing else it WILL help them keep their sanity...please share your knowledge with other people because so many people are in disbelief and make the victim feel like a liar. Im telling you and all who read this...your actions or non actions can save a life...or lives if there are childern and other family members involved. I have been married to one for about 8 years...its been a total complete nightmare. I dont even have one good memory. He has destroyed every holiday..every event...every vacation and the day to day is a roller coaster. I am disabled. I have fibro and im already in so much pain...and all the stress causes more. I havent received my benifits because they want to argue and say i can work. If i could...beleive me that i would not stay in this relationship. I have no income and altho he complains that im sick and dont do enough for him...he likes me being sick because the financial power is all he has over me. I havent been inlove for years. Hes cruel and takes no responsibility for anything..infact he lies and denys saying or doing anything wrong...and then tries to conveince me that i said or did things that infact I KNOW I DIDNT. It is a circle of games that he plays. If i try to ignore him...he will break something, misplace something...something and then deny that. Im tired. Hes a syco and i know i can not be a healthy person living with him..physically or mentally. Everyday its a challenge to take care of myself and still comply with his demands. And if he dosent get what he wants theres a list of threats and displays of action he goes thru. There is no such thing as happy. He hates happy. His happy is making me miserable and he dose a wonderful job. Hes done nothing but abuse me. I tried going to my church and they took his side...yeah really..and they baptisted him...but things have not changed at all. Infact his lies have got worse and my health is going down fast. I am trapped. I feel like a dog in a cage and he likes it because it gives him power. The ONLY good thing i can say about him is that he dose work hard. Thats it. His character is as fake as a 7 dollar bill. If you know someone who is going thru this...be a friend. Sometimes we just need someone to listen...we need a reality check. We are emotional because what they do is so crazy its hard for a normal person like us, to process. The abuse is huge and its powerful. But i do love God and i know God sees and feels all this man is doing. I know that when Jesus comes back and i hopefully go to heaven...all this pain will be gone...and he will have to answer for what hes done. I used to pity him..i thought he didnt really know what he was doing but i learned HE DOSE KNOW. And he dose it all on purpose. It hurts but i mostly just have anger now. But its my job to forgive and let revenge be Gods. So im waiting to leave, waiting to finally LIVE
Same story here but i had physical abuse too. He was arrested in Usa came back to india without completing Ltd .Capias was issued. So he can never get back to the USA . He took all these frustrations on me. It was me who bailed him out wen he was arrested . But his abuse never stopped .after giving a long hope at 3.5 years I decided to call it quits. I am happy now . I deservevto be treated better and I am sure that one day I will find a perfect person who deserves my love and reciprocated the same. This fellow dies not deserve my love and care . I am an Indian
Allow me to shed light on how we all ended up with a narcissist: likely, one of our parents was. We were conditioned as children to be their submissives. Now, as adults, we marry that image we falsely thought was a safe zone. This is me. I'm the daughter of a narcissistic mother, now married to one. I'm in absolute hell. I have sacrificed having children for this pathetic excuse of a husband. They will self-destruct in order to destroy you. You are the stronger one and a challenge for them to bulldoze over.
Stay tuned, our stories have only just begun. My childhood was especially bad, my marriage of almost 18 years now is the same road to hell. I'm writing a book now about this cycle and we are their prey.
I started dating my husband 5 1/2 years ago. He swept me off of my feet. Flowers, expensive jewelry and surprise trips. He asked me to marry him many times. We got married in August and he completely changed. He shit down and picked fights with me. Overly jealous and controlling of my time. Cut me off from friends and family. Stopped talking to me. Every thing was my fault. He cheated on me. But that was my fault. I just moved out a week ago because he thinks we need space. He says he loves me and wants to fall in love again. He's controlling everything including when we see each other and it's on his terms. I'm so depressed and cry all of time. I truly love him. I'm so lost
I'm going through the exact thing. Together 5.5 years. Married only a few months when he started this. I moved out a week ago. It's terrible. I love him.
I have been married for 7 years. It started out great - he put me on a pedastul and made me feel great. After marriage, sex was non-existent. I kept trying to figure out why. He was only interested in buying a boat, hanging out with guys and sailing. He wouldn't tell me when he would be home - he would just respond 'I can't say, this is how I role'. Finally found evidence that he had been having cyber sexual relationships since we were dating. He was never faithful to me. Even wih evidence and talking to some of the women, he still denies it and says they are lying because they wanted him so much and he denied them. He will apologize one minute and then say he didn't do anything wrong in the next. His game is a total mind game to make me think I am the idiot. I finally kicked him out. Now he says that I ruined our marriage because I invaded his privacy and found out what he was doing. It is hard to end things, but I don't feel the anxiety and neglect anymore. We have a one year old daughter and I will not let her grow up thinking her Mom is a miserable person. For all of you who stay, don't waste your time. I know everyone can change, but these guys think they are perfect and don't need to change. They will never apologize because they don't think they did anything wrong. I know I deserve better and that someone is out there for me. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time with the idiot. I believe that karma comes around to everyone. He may not ever realize what he lost, but at least I know what I got rid of. I am going to stay strong and get through this. You all should realize you are worth it and do the same! No man is worth such agony.
Ive been with mine for. 8 years. And have nobody except my 2 boys i have a order of protection against him which is temporary i wish he was dead i believe hemay have sexual assulted my boys dfs was called and wont look into it any more because hes not around hes been gone a month im going crazy im moving us back home in two weeks if we make it because i will do anything to protect my children from a maligant narcissist sadist father i dont feel do alone since reading these and i know i can fo it for years he knew how to trigger my aniexty amd shut me down to where i was in a dreamstate not being able to find anything or see and hear thethings going on around me i would always wake up amd fight for my life and somehow he would get in my mind and it would be to much for me and i would forget everything its hard to tell reality from what he made me belive
Excuse me. What do you love about him?
Wow,
I just can't believe that it has taken me 20 years to figure out that my ex is the true definition of a narcissist. I think it might be because we married young, I was the one that had two affairs. One when we were first married and then another 13 years later after I grew tired of NEVER being able to make him happy.He was always able to use that and my guilt to make me feel like the cycle of loving me beyond words then hating me to the point that he turned cold as ice was normal. Making me feel like I was always in the wrong and I was a bad person.That others felt this way too, even got me to believe it a few times. After all I was the cheater. This has gone on for 20 years.. Even after we divorced and he moved on (with someone who he was cheating on me with but again that is my fault) he has still had me in chains. Up until nowv(when I finally figured out who he really is) I have constantly had hope that we could truly love each other with no conditions.
My final straw took place just last week. He remarried last October and I truly thought the cycle was over. Of course he chose to marry after we had a brief affair last summer in which he was going to leave her bc she was not making him happy and come back to me. Then I, of course did something wrong and he ran back to her leaving myself and kids confused and trying to wrap our brains around it, once again.
Then in December we started talking again and he convinced me that he was unhappy in his marriage, he never gave us a true shot, he loved me more than anything...same song and dance but my unconditional love for him made me once again decide to give him a chance...hoping this time would be different. From January to May he showered me with love and promises. "Good morning, you’re amazing, you’re my world, I have changed, I see you have changed, we are going to be so good this time, you’re my soul mate, I love you more than you will ever know...blah blah blah." But I, once again fell hard and thought for the first time that we could do this.
He did fulfill his promise of leaving his current wife who according to him was "totally crazy, not affectionate enough, selfish, controlling, bad kisser, bad lover, rebound to help him get over me." Name it, he told me about it. And I believed every word. After all, we have been together since I was 16 and I knew that he just ran to her to escape me (which I do believe is true just didn't realize then that this cycle will never change). In June I started to feel an increasing feeling of fear and doom and didn't really know why. After all he left her, I was doing everything to ensure and protect us and our future. Our kids were told and on board. We even went on a family trip to Chicago during fathers day (this is actually when I started to have doubts bc he was still talking to his ex, wanted to keep us a secret from his friends and family to “protect me”). He was still being affectionate but has already started to fall into his old ways of being snappy, controlling, getting angry very easily, nitpicking at everything. The "good mornings" and "I love you" become less frequent and more forced (I am in no way a need person but when you go from that extreme to nothing it does leave one confused, especially since we have been through this cycle before).
It wasn't until June 25 when he was going through my phone (decided to be completely open I had nothing to hide so I let him go through everything). Opened up everything to him to show him that I was trustworthy. He did the same with me but I felt no need to trespass on him, I wanted to trust him and didn’t feel it was healthy to “hunt” for flaws. On June 25th He found a text from a year ago that meant nothing to me, I didn't even remember about the text. It was irreverent to us then and now but it was a correspondence between myself and another male. Just to show that I have nothing to hide and I’m not trying to look perfect, it was at a time when Sean and I were talking last summer and even had even slept together a week before. But he was still with his fiancé (now wife) and I sent him a text the day prior telling him that we needed to stay away from each other until he figured out what he wanted. This however was inexcusable and the finger was once again pointed at me. This tripping block back into his narcissistic rage and his true self showed its ugly face again. He went cold, accused me of being a liar, a cheater, not changing, not being able to trust me again. Turned cold and as I recently found out (tried to hide it from me but my gut and the fact that he has done this before) he was secretly seeing and trying to work out the mess he made with his current wife all the while keeping me wondering and waiting what was going on. Feeling guilty for things that I should not feel guilty for.
Now here I am again, but I feel stronger and see him for who he really is. Still after all of this I have the desire to want to help him even though I am reading that there may be no help. For myself and my children who have suffered enough, I need to know how to heal and end this vicious cycle...FOREVER! I need to break the chains that he continues to put me in but I need all the help I can get! HELP!!!
I was married to mine for 29 years. He always made me feel unimportant. And the awful things he would say about me in front of the children. I can truly say birthing my 4 children was easier then the day I served him for devorice. I was terrified. So... proud!!!! I feel like I can do anything. 3 years to plan the devorice and be brave enough to carry it out.
3 years of planning. After 26 years of marriage, So proud And happy to leave the abuse behind. Almost devoriced for a year now. It can done. 😊😊😊
I was married to mine for 29 years. He always made me feel unimportant. And the awful things he would say about me in front of the children. I can truly say birthing my 4 children was easier then the day I served him for devorice. I was terrified. So... proud!!!! I feel like I can do anything. 3 years to plan the devorice and be brave enough to carry it out.
Waoh! I see myself in every comment right here. I thank God, I decided to end this and all hope that he would change. In this marriage of 4.5 years I've gone from a very happy and outgoing person to a constantly sad and withdrawn one. My husband has always played the withdrawal of love with me. No unconditional love at all. I will receive crumbs of affection when I please him. It is always my fault. I'm always seeing things. What I hate about him the most us that he look at other women when me and act totally distant from me outside. But he NEVER accepts it. I'm always wrong. He stopped sleeping with me a year and a half ago. Supposedly because I don't let him sleep with my talking when asleep. Then he left me and went out of the country cause he couldn't leave under the same roof with me. I got depressed. After one month I went to him. He treated me like shit. Sex was always lesser. I was the one always making the first move. But he could not have sex for weeks. He had never worked. He is waiting for that prestigious position or incredible business that will leave him tons of money. After 2 months I left and went to our home out of the country. We spent 3 months appart and comunication seemed better. We used to talk more by phone than together. I went to visit him again (he never did, stupid me). When I arrive at the airport he saw me as cold as I ever saw him. I ignored it and hugged him. He didn't even hug me back. He just padded me in the back. I was embarrassed of this scene. I spent one month with him and today is the third day I left him. I feel down in my bones is the true one. The last one. The real one. He haven't called me, not even once. Before leaving, I saw him behaving very excited and nervous around a friend. I suspected something. I confronted him. Of course he denied it. But I had a very strong gut feeling. And I decided to go with it. I stopped talking to him for two days before leaving. He was trying to make it up to me like never before. That's how I knew I was unto something. I wasn't going to sTay to be humiliated. I left him. I thank God, I have a very good guy friend helping me through it all. He has been able to open my eyes as a man. And it helped me to get out from the controlled and manipulative environment where there was no self-esteem and only Co-dependency. The thing is...I'm a clinical psychology doctoral candidate. None is exempt of falling into past habits. I grew up with a very distant, cold and emotionally unavailable alcoholic father. I ended up with my husband because of this. This need to prove that we can be loved and that we can really make them love us. Anyway, I've had to put all my career in a leave. Right know I'm lifting all the pieces of my life.I'm dealing with anxiety in all its forms; panic attacks, ptsd. Deppression and in the top of all Borderline Personality Disorder. May God help us all. I have faith in a better future and hope of new love.
I truelly doubt if he's the wonderful husband that you think that he is. I too fell deeply in love with a narcissist. He left his children's mother to move into my home. He lied to me and told me that they had been separated for a year. He was wonderful to me...at first and I became his tool of triangulation. He painted a beautiful picture of our relationship as well. I too allowed him to plaster all those happy go lucky pics on social media, knowing full well that those pics were taken in between stomp down arguements and chaos. Narcissist pretend so much that their mates learn to grin and bare it because they are too embarrassed to let the world know that they love a creep that treats them poorly. Please trust that our relationship was quite the contrary of what he portrayed it to be. I secretly hated him because i knew he was a selfish lying cheater! He left our home for a month almost every year of our relationship to go play daddy only to hoover his way back home. The last time he left home, I found out he was getting married just 30 days later. I was extremely shattered. It's just been about 2 weeks since his wedding and I'm starting to get over not having him around. I confronted him and his bride to be and upon a whisper from him in her ear they laughed a lil bit. I think I laughed harder tho because the poor soul doesn't know her husband like I do. We both stood there in the same jewelry and The same cheap azz engagement rings and she feel as though she won the prize. I feel otherwise. Peace of mind is priceless.
I was not married to the narcissist in my life (I thank God every day for that). Met him on a dating website (mid August); he was 10 years my junior. He was extremely charismatic the perfect guy. He told me on our first date "my spirit man tells me we will be together" (the luring stage). He was a single dad of the sweetest 11-year girl I ever met. He introduced me to her on our 2nd date; which I voiced was way too soon. He wanted me to marry him and move in after 3 1/2 months (November). I told him that was way too soon. Told him lets wait a year and see where we are. This is when it all changed. I must admit I saw a few red flags early on (I chose to ignore them). For example after meeting my daughter's fiancée he went into a rage in the parking lot of a very crowded shopping center accusing me of having a romantic relationship with him. I was mortified; too scared to move or say anything. He calmed down after 5 minutes of raging. He realized he showed his hand. A week later he gave me a key to his place. After he realized his manipulations to have me move in and get married were not working he completely changed. He became distant. The things he used to like/love about me he did not like anymore. He took his key back (January); he told me we were a square peg and a round hole (something I told him early on in the relationship when I realized something about him was "off"). I had a gut feeling he was not being honest; one night I waited for him to fall asleep and snooped in his phone. I saw intimate text messages and facebook messages to random women. A few he even went on dates with. Needless to say I was livid; I left in the middle of the night. A month later (March) he showed up at my job telling me he could not live without me and that he made a mistake....yada yada yada...all lies of course (I was in the gaslighting phase). I proceeded with caution only because I was extremely attached to his daughter. I loved her and he knew it. One time he went as far as telling me if he could not have a relationship with me I could not have a relationship with his daughter. He knew this would break my heart. Needless to say, the next phase was "triangulation"; this did not last long only because I knew what was happening. It was painful but I decided I was done. I kept a few things at his place; during this phase I slowly started taking things that belonged to me. One day he left for work and I cleaned house; took the rest of my things out (this was mid April). When he got home he was livid. We talked a few more times after but he quickly proceeded to the "discard phase"; by that time I was already completely done (still very painful). Long story short; the night before I packed up (I was snooping) and saw a picture of a a women in his night stand. That was the final straw. This all went down mid April. I decided to go full no contact. I blocked him from phone calls and emails. I had a routine gyno appt. scheduled the beginning of June; I received my results two weeks later; (I tested positive for an std). Needless to say I was devastated. I of course called him; I did not accuse him of anything only because I already knew it came from him. I told him to get tested. He denied it; no surprise there. Told me I was crazy and to stay away from him; he told me he was taking my communication with him as a threat to his life and to stay away from him and so I did. I have had no communication with him since. I recently found out he got married on July 22nd. I must admit I was numb, confused and hurt. The pain I experienced prior came rushing back with a fury. I know without a shadow of a doubt I dodged a bullet; the person I feel sorry for the most is his daughter. I pray for her daily. I can't phantom how someone could be so evil. This is my story...I hope it helps those who are still fighting. Please don't ever give up! Pray daily.
I have been married to a narc for 34yrs. Let me tell all of you it does not get better. He has been financially, emotionally, and mentally avusive. He has been physically abusive to my son. Everything is about him every day. He tells me on a daily basis how he is great at this and that. He runs his own business and of course none of the employees are good enough workers.Also all of HIS money is in his name. I have given up many jobs because I could not trust him to pick the kids up from daycare or school practices. He's a busy guy and "He works his a## off". Thank goodness my children are grown now. I'm just nonexistent unless dinner is not cooked or he's out of underwear! Tried therapy 2 times. #1 therapist recognized it right away and he wouldn't go back. #2 therapist thought I should be more appreciative about how hard he works. Of course we spent six weeks there. Now I'm just deeply depressed and invisible. It takes a toll on your mind and my advice is GET OUT AS FAST AS YOU CAN!! It will definitely make you loose your identity and any self esteem you have!
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