Sanctuary for the Abused
Wednesday, January 09, 2019
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive communication is a means of expressing anger indirectly.
Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors are listed below.
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS AND ISSUES
- Obstructionism (making things difficult)
- Hostility, anger, and bad attitude toward people in authority or people who have an advantage. Scorn and resentment.
- Issues such as specific kinds of fears, a sense of victimization, feelings of being misunderstood, etc. (see list below)
- Complaints of having it hard or being treated unfairly
- Sneaky, “Sideways” or “Backhanded” comments/compliments hidden behind a veneer of pleasantry
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Obstructionism
- Arriving late to meetings and other events, making other people wait
- Purposely doing a poor job on a required work project
- Claiming to have “forgotten” what is wanted by other people
- Making issues more difficult than they have to be
- Making excuses
- Lazy communication, failing to follow through on messages
- Lying and mental manipulation
- Procrastination and laziness at home or in the workplace
- Deliberately creating disorder in situations with friends, employer and family
- Expressing ambiguity when interacting with people
Examples of Common Fears and Issues for Passive-Aggressive People
- Fear of intimacy
- Fear of competition
- Fear of dependency
- Arguing
- Enviousness
Dealing with passive-aggressive people can be especially difficult, particularly when you are relying on them to do something properly and on time, without difficulty and complications.
In the workplace, passive-aggressive people should be dealt with administratively, since trying to work around, adjust to, and change their behavior is impossible. They will sorely resent the supervision; however, they were likely already displeased and resentful of it anyhow.
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Passive-aggressive people will always find a way to slip out of what you need them to do or otherwise make you pay for trying to get them to cooperate.
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Dealing or working with a passive-aggressive person can feel like a gigantic game of Whack-a-Mole.
Once you think you’ve addressed the first excuse, lie, issue or ambiguity, they’re off and running presenting you with a third, second and fourth. It’s as if they’re playing a mental game designed to exhaust you into giving up asking anything reasonable of them. Insisting and pressuring them into fulfilling their obligations only makes things worse.
When in situations where you are forced to work with them, do not assume responsibility for their work or lack thereof. Do not let the maddening inefficiency and game-playing get to you. Concentrate on your own responsibilities, and minimize working on joint projects with them as much as possible. Above all, don’t take the bait that sends you begging them to cooperate. They will only resent you for it and get you back later.
And definitely, without delay, add passive-aggressive people to your list of toxic people to avoid wherever possible.
Labels: anger, chaos, difficult, forgetting, lying, narcissist, obstruction, passive-aggressive, playing games, psychopath, sarcasm, sociopath
7 Comments:
"Dealing or working with a passive-aggressive person can feel like a gigantic game of Whack-a-Mole.Once you think you’ve addressed the first excuse, lie, issue or ambiguity, they’re off and running presenting you with a third, second and fourth. It’s as if they’re playing a mental game designed to exhaust you into giving up asking anything reasonable of them. Insisting and pressuring them into fulfilling their obligations only makes things worse."
This is all typical behavior for someone with the brain functioning of a psychopath. SOOOOOOOOOOOO we run around trying to GET THEM TO DO THEIR JOB, in ADDITION to doing our own job. There is NEVER a good time to deal with psychopaths.
Keep thinking about these Bible verses: 1 Corinthians 13:13 "Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is LOVE." And 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
The greatest of these is LOVE. And think about it, mri's PROVE that people with the brain functioning of a psychopath do not process this emotion (love). And the second verse about love is patient.....all these things that are the fruits of the Holy Spirit living inside you are completely absent in psychopaths. And how being in their presence and especially when they have control in our lives, actually TAKES AWAY our faith our HOPE and uses our love to DESTROY us.
I think I used to believe these were things to "work" for or try to achieve, but through God's grace, I see that these are gifts that are GIVEN to us. I can't paste them on or make a checklist and attain them. And the fact that they are completely lacking in psychopaths is VERY important don't you think? But you COULD use it as a checklist to CHECK for psychopathy: kind (nope), does not envy (full of envy), does not boast (loves to do this), is not proud (get REAL! Full of pride). Just go through the rest and check for yourself.
God continues to reveal Himself to me through the horror of psychopathy. It sounds crazy to say this and if it's His will, I want to prevent others from going through this. But because of the reality of what psychopaths are, and how it's all written in God's word, I'm coming to know God more deeply. That what he says in His word is true. And when he warns us of the dangers of marrying evil ones, he does it because he loves us and wants us to be happy. Please don't make the mistake of marrying a psychopath and giving birth to more of them. I can't change this in my life but through God's grace, I can prevent someone else from doing this.
Anonymous - you probably need to leave/ divorce him.
http://www.divorcehope.com
I agree. My husband is a passive aggressive. Which I only realised after 6 years of marriage. We started our nice and he is the nicest, most empathetic, gentlemen I have even knew. 6 months into our relationship he started to chat on sites to seek sexual partners and make sure he left hints to get caught, the day I was giving birth he googled for sexual services (purposely not erasing search history), other times he will disappear from earth. Each time I have anxiety frantically looking for him and he will come back clean saying that I am a control freak. Recently I found out that he has been having affair and he put the blame on me that because of my anxiety, he feels suffocated and needed space.
It has been a long 6 years. I believed this time it is another of his game
Back in 2008 I managed to land a very lucrative job, and I told my brother the good news. 2 days later he comes to me with this story that his ex-girlfriend had caused him major financial distress, and his home-based business was about to go under. So I offered him some help by moving in with him to reduce his expenses by half...which also cost me considerably more than what I was already paying. This was my first mistake.
What I did not realize is that my brother is a major passive-aggressive, and his fear of competition meant that he in no way wanted to see someone do better than him. I also learned that PA's will often target family members or loved ones to get them to pay...and make their life easier.
After I moved in he approached me again telling me that he was behind 8 years in tax filing. I could not help him, but I naively thought that helping him out with rent would allow him to get that on track. I was wrong. This too I later learned was another passive aggressive attempt to get money out of me. Because I did not fork over thousands of dollars that's when his major passive aggressive behavior started against me.
I learned from his ex-girlfriend years later that my brother had cost her thousands of dollars...he had been a financial drain on her for about 8 years. He also approached her about a year before me about that late tax filing story, and she had given him a few thousand dollars to help him. I did not.
About a month after I moved in with my brother is when he bought his new car...and I always wondered why he was so terrified that his ex-girlfriend would learn about it. Now it's all making sense. He basically stole money off of her to buy a new car, and was looking to screw me out of thousands of dollars too because my job paid so much more than his.
His ex-girlfriend told me that she figures he cost her about $30,000 over 8 years. My brother cost me close to $22,000 over 6 years because I was paying considerably more for rent than what I was paying before I decided to help him.
The passive aggressive behavior was getting worse with every passing year though. Because I didn't pay him thousands of dollars I started noticing that my possessions were disappearing. As I was working out of town at that time I left my possessions open to him. Brand new vacuum cleaner, DVD's, books, clothes...many items that he thought I wouldn't notice. Now I realize that this was happened not out of need, but rather because he was punishing me.
But it was his 5+ years of silent treatment that was most noticeable...I have never seen a grown man do that before. His negativity, behind-the-back gossip, and learning that he has been actively trying to hurt me and others around him that I find the most disturbing.
The biggest revelation though is seeing first hand that he is behaving exactly like our mother, who is also a major passive aggressive. Both are extremely cruel and just mean people. Very strange to see that up close too.
I have stopped reacting and running to him to make things better. Now he barely even talks. He is just there and I am lonely. He fooled our councelor and I looked like an idiot
I dated a PA for 3 years before I found out he was dating someone else at the same time. Of course, we work it out and we start again only to run into her at his house. Poor girl blames me for HIS issues, never could get her to understand, it was him who has a behavioral problem. 1 year later, dumb me having hope again, finally broke away from crazy. They are soooo good at lying, one just can't imagine a person would tell you they want the exact same things as you, and then can't follow through. I always told him, your words and actions never match. His biggest issue was splitting, the circle between the 3 of us, was love us until we get you mad or you can't control us and then go to the other one and try and make it work. It was just too weird. Mad, I don't love you, happy, I love you. My circle in the nuttiness is finally over. Feel sorry, he went back to the other girl and she is despite and will probably continue to be abused. I call it mental abuse with what seems to be little care for anyone. Wow, did his parents screw this guy up!
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