Sanctuary for the Abused

Saturday, December 19, 2020


No Contact Means:

NO Talking To Them No Matter What Happens And No Matter What You Hear

NO Letting Them Talk To You, NO Listening To Anything They Say, NO “Hearing Them Out.”

NO Letting Them In Your House And NO Going To Their House. If It Is Possible To Move, Then Move, Get A P.O. Box, And Don't Let Them Know When Or Where You're Going. DO NOT leave a forwarding address at the post office- after the forwarding period is up, any card or letter your abuser sends you will get returned to him with your forwarding address on it; instead contact each of your creditors, friends, and anyone you want to keep in touch with individually and advise them of your new address. Never use your street address. Use your P.O. box as your address on everything - including your driver’s license, car registration, credit cards, deliveries, bills, etc. This will buy you a couple of years, until they find you online. The best move is more than a day’s drive away. In fact, the further, the better.

NO Phone Calls and NO Returning Voicemail Messages. Change Your Number To Unlisted and Unpublished, And Do Not Give It To Anyone You Can't Trust Not To Give It To Your Abuser. NEVER pick up the phone. Screen Your Calls. Use Caller ID Or Let Your Machine Pick Up. If you get any strange messages from people you barely know or whom you haven’t heard from in years, do not return their calls unless they told you why they wanted to talk to you when they left their message. Be very wary of anyone who just leaves his name and number and says something along the lines of, “I need to talk to you.” There’s a very high probability he’s a Silent Partner, sicced on you by your estranged abuser.

NO Sending Or Responding To E-Mails. Block Their E-Mails, IMs, And Ability To See When You Are Online. Block them from viewing your page on any social networking sites you are on. Make sure you use a different, unidentifiable name and e-mail address on any forums or chat groups you belong to.

NO Meetings to "Talk Things Over" Or "Work Things Out".

NO Communication At All Except Through Attorneys. NOT THERAPISTS- Attorneys. If you go to counseling with a psychopath, I guarantee you'll regret it. If you are Co-Parenting seriously consider limiting ALL contact to email only and using software such as OurFamilyWizard to keep records.  Apply the GREY ROCK METHOD.

NO Cards or Letters and NO Responding to Cards or Letters. NO Birthday Cards. NO Christmas Cards. NO Mother's Day or Father's Day Cards. Return ALL mail from them UNOPENED with "DELIVERY REFUSED" written clearly on the front. This includes mail or cards to your Spouse or Children.  Returning mail is NOT CONTACT. If you throw the mail out, to An Abuser, that Is A Response - It Means You Are Still Emotionally Connected To Them, You Still Care, and they ASSUME you read the card/letter/etc. They assume if They Keep Trying They Can Wear You Down. RETURN ALL MAIL, GIFTS "DELIVERY REFUSED."

NO Gifts and NO Accepting Gifts. If A Gift Is Sent To You, NO Acknowledging It And NO Responding. NO Reciprocal Gifts, Cards, or Letters. To An Abuser, That Is A Response - It Means You Are Still Emotionally Connected To Them, You Still Care, And If They Keep Trying They Can Wear You Down. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

NO Exceptions For Holidays, Birthdays, or Anniversaries

NO Visits, Including Hospital Visits

NO Letting Them Near Your Kids. If They're Too Toxic For You To Be Around, Then They're Too Toxic For Your Children To Be Around. Warn Your Children To Stay Away From Them. Notify Your Children's School To Call The Police If They Show Up.

NO Public Pleasantries. If You Run Into Them In a Public Place, Ignore Them, Turn Your Back, And Walk Away. If They Approach You, Say In A Loud Voice, "Leave Me Alone!" And "Do Not Talk To Me". If They Persist Or You Believe You Are Being Stalked, Call The Police. Get a paper trail started. Make a police report and get a case number so that in the future you can file charges for stalking, aggravated harassment, and any other crimes that the police or your lawyer can think of.

NO Discussing Them With Anybody Who Has Contact With Them.

NO Speaking At All To Anyone Who Might Be Pumping You For Information Or Spying On You, And Reporting Back To Them. Cut Off Anyone Who Is Not 110% Loyal To You.

NO Listening to Any News About Them. If you’re absolutely DYING of curiosity, listen but do not show undue interest, do not respond, and do not give any information in return.

NO Giving Other People Information About You Or Your Family That They Could Carry Back To Your Abuser

NO Invitations to Your Big Events and NO Responding to Invitations They Send You. Return Invites "DELIVERY REFUSED."

NO Responding To News That They or You Are Getting Married, Having A Baby, Getting A New Job, Retiring, Moving, Taking A Trip, Sick, Dying, Or Dead

NO Big Announcements or Telling Them Anything About Your Life- NO Letting Them Know You're Getting Married, Moving, Or Having A Baby. NO Letting Them Know When Your Children Get Married, Where They Live, Work, or Go To School, Or When Your Grandkids Are Born.

Print Out E-Mails and Keep a notation about All Cards, Letters and Other Communication In A File For Future Harassment Or Stalking Charges, But Do Not Respond.

No Contact means NO CONTACT. Nothing, Nada, Zilch, Zip, Zero. As if they were total strangers who also happen to be dangerous, deranged, psychopathic stalkers. Which they pretty much are. So why would you not protect yourself and your family from them?

You need to do ALL the things on the above list, not just the ones you're comfortable with.  Print this out and post copies around the house or keep them with you for reference.

Narcissists do not understand limits, maintaining a comfortable distance, taking it slow, or being cordial while still keeping someone at arm’s length. They only deal in extremes, and must be totally enmeshed with you, with no boundaries or restrictions. It’s all or nothing with them. Because of this, it’s important to accept that it is NOT possible to have “limited” or “occasional” contact- for instance, only when there is a big event like a wedding or funeral. This only sends a mixed message to your abuser, who will interpret ANY willingness at all on your part to communicate with him as a sign that all is forgiven, you’ve gotten over your little snit, and everything can now go back to normal, without him ever having to apologize or stop abusing you.

No Contact is THE END. You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked. That's why you reached this crossroads. There is nothing left to try. It’s OVER. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back. Time to finally live your life. Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm. If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in. If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety. And after it's all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, you won't feel the need to.



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shared by Barbara at 12:03 AM



Brilliant - brilliant - brilliant. Thank you.

I had a narcissistic, abusive, possessive, child molester, scary mother. I'm 58 years old now. In quiet moments, I look back and dream about having left safely. Instead, she sabotaged my education, stalked me, had people break into my house, almost ruined my wedding. She hated every time I had anything independent of her. All a nightmare which ended when she passed away 10 years ago.

I had moved far, far away by that time and when I went to the funeral I was shocked at all the lies she had told others about me. After that, I instinctively went No Contact, even though I had never heard of the concept. I did not even try to correct any of the lies or to try to "prove myself" to anyone there. Since then, I have been No Contact with family members, childhood friends, extended family and I feel safe from her abuse now.

In quiet moments now, I sometimes dream of having left home and gone far, far away to college. Realistically, I could have moved out at 18 years old and gone to a nearby college for free where my father taught. I could not see that option at the time because I was coerced into making sure my mother stayed some version of "happy" 24/7. She could not even stand for me to go somewhere for the weekend without her going too. Crazy and vindictive. I see it now. I'm so glad I survived. So grieved and so angry at so much loss at her hands.

No Contact - No Contact - No Contact. Never, never let anyone make you feel guilty or obligated for one second for choosing Life for yourself.

11:31 AM  

I would like to add that if your N manages to find you 'through a third party' as mine did recently in order to tell you that they have apparently been diagnosed with Alzheimers Disease, do not write back to them, despite the fact that you may feel it is your obligation to the rest of the family to 'help out' with the care of your family member.

My N pretended to be my siblings writing to me, acknowledging the fact that I didn't want contact with them, but deciding that it was 'my right to know' that this major health crisis had happened to my elderly relative. They claimed to now have my address, procured through this 'third party' which is hilarious since we are in the phone book, and that it was their duty to apparently inform me of this situation.

I wrote fifty different replies to that letter and sent none of them. I was too well versed, after 5 years of no contact, to break my silence. I knew, as did my N relative, that if I broke my silence in order to reply to this lunacy, that I would be breaking my own self-imposed rules, and they would have won. It really is a no-brainer, but they will continue to try and bait you, even after many years of silence. So let it be a test for you if it ever happens to you.

Of course, I have had to think about the inevitable contact when my relative finally dies, but I know what my response will be, so I am prepared for it.

By the way, also watch out for the facebook thing. I am in no contact with my whole family, and apparently the second generation are now trying to make contact with my kids.

9:31 PM  

Unfortunately court ordered visitation by the kids( Yes, I know they are toxic but try to prove that in court!!) . Have three more years!! Until then, only contact is email that two other people are cc'd so he can't pull any stuff, though he tries.

7:42 AM  

Great article. I moved 14 hours away. I cannot imagine trying to live life in the same vicinity with him. Before i moved he was driving by my house twice a day and sending his mistress to my childrens bus stop.

It has been 2 years and i have had to block everything. I keep receiving messages of blame alternated with fake sorrow and immediately back to blame and degrading insults. I received a friend request from his girlfriend on facebook. Denied it and changed my last name on facebook. I had already purged any common contacts and made everything private. He had threatened to contact my employer which he has no idea where i work. I gave him a po box for a relative in another state in case he needed to send anything business related and when i noticed he left it on the table before i moved, i picked it up and threw it away. I had worked for his business the year before we broke up so expected a W2 but also wrote down the info from my last pay stub so that it wouldnt matter if i never got it. The best part is he is a private investigator, so he did find my new address and send me a postcard just to be creepy and show me he had found me. He called child services on me last year. The caseworker was wonderful, she could tell the allegations were lies immediately and i told her why they got a call since nobody here even knew me or had been to my house, but still it was stressful for my youngest son to be questioned at school by them. Then having to feel like the school looked down on us the rest of the year. I had to return to my state of origin for legal matters and my car ended up keyed on every panel like a pro. Blocking numbers hasnt been enough. He has used other people cell phones in cries of desperation at 1am. Just last night i received a restricted call at midnight. At times i gave in to hear him out. The voicemails could sound so sweet and pitiful. I regret every time. Im finally cold and hard enough not to care as i have seen all he wants to do is mentally and emotionally destroy or ask for money or ask if he can move too cause he had a bad day with his girlfriend. I dont think so. I am out, i am free, i am blessed, and im moving on!

11:39 AM  

I contacted. Been out of marriage a year. My daughter failed to pick me up from hospital and I was frantic. First time I contacted him. He was willing to come to get me...maybe over concern for her. Things are bad with her. Worse than with him ever. I have no job. No money. I am sorry I left him. This is the worse hell on earth ever.

9:18 AM  

I had to do the no contact rule with my father. I had to cut him out of my life to stop the bullying and emotional abuse

2:15 AM  

I told mine to leave me alone...and he agreed:)! I said...Leave me alone...I hope after changing leaves me alone. He has moved on while I deal with the mess in my heart but do they leave you alone for good?

9:54 PM  

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