Sanctuary for the Abused

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

ENDING COGNITIVE DISSONANCE

You're having a hard time going NC because you still believe on some level the notion that at some point in time, you actually meant as much to her as she meant to you. And her continued love-bombing reinforces this. Everything she has said to you she has also said to the other women in her life, and we here have all heard it too. "You're the best I've ever had." "We really had something special." "I still miss you, you were the most important part of my life for a long time." "I tell you everything (because we're such good friends)." Blah, blah, blah......

The more you read about psychopaths, you realize if their lips are moving, they're lying. And whatever they told you that made you feel so special, they said a hundred times or more to just as many other victims. They're just fishing lines they throw out to keep you on the hook. They cast out enough of them to see who will bite.

The first step in recovery is realizing that you were dealing with a psychopath, which you have done. The second step, and one of the hardest to deal with, is realizing that whatever you shared with them was all an illusion. The relationship and the love was based on lies. Not on your part but on theirs. The feelings YOU had were real, but the person you fell in love with was just a mirage, crafted to mirror and captivate you. It doesn't really exist. It was all fake. None of it was real.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But surely the time we shared....... (fill in the blank) was real. I FELT it. I never felt anything like that with anyone else!" "But I KNOW this one particular time it was so intimate and real, it HAD to mean something to her." "Maybe I AM the best she's ever had like she says, or I was THE ONE she loved above all others, but we just couldn't make it work because of..... certain incompatibilities, her commitment issues, her self-esteem issues, her trust issues....... (again, fill in the blank)." Worst of all is thinking it was because of something you did or failed to do.

This is perhaps the biggest key in letting go of the illusion and also any blame you may have internalized or feeling of responsibility towards them as someone who once loved you (and still pretends to). The reality is, they don't love anybody, not even their children. Don't take our word for it. Keep reading as much as you can and doing research until it really sinks in. The fact that you feel guilty at ALL for wanting to go NC to finally heal and protect yourself, and still feel some obligation to her, tells me you just need to understand more about how psychopaths operate. Because once you do and it REALLY sinks in, you will be so angry and not feel one ounce of guilt about her "feelings" (which she doesn't have) and what you "owe" her.

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Labels: can he change, cognitive dissonance, false, love bombing, narcissist, projection, psychopath, reality, recovery, sociopath, toxic hope