Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Why the Victim Stays

Why the Victim Stays

Of more serious injury or death
Of trying to make it on her own

Of having a failed marriage
Traditional responsibility for the home rests with the wife (e.g., if she had been a better cook.)
Social stigma, "It's not supposed to happen in families like mine!"

Every time abuser apologizes, the victim wants to believe.
When abuser isn't being abusive, abuser is nice.
If victim could be a better spouse or partner, maybe victim could control abuser's violence.

Abuser controls the money. The checking account and credit cards are in abuser's name only.
The victim may not have a job.
Abuser gives victim an allowance and demands receipts for everything spent.

The more dependent a batterer makes the victim, the less likely the victim will leave.
Batterer may force the victim to give up working outside the home.
Batterer may not allow the victim to go to school.
Batterer may sell or disable the victim's car.
Batterer may isolate the victim from family and friends.
Batterer may disable or remove phones from the house when he is leaving the house.

The victim wants the children to have two parents.
The victim both stays and leaves because of children.
A batterer may threaten or abuse the children as a means of intimidating and controlling the victim's behavior.
People who choose not to report violence may not realize that they risk losing custody of their children.
Abused children may remain silent out of fear that the batterer will retaliate and further abuse their mother, themselves, or their siblings.
Child welfare agencies and domestic violence services routinely function along parallel tracks with no coordination. At times they are in conflict with each other, as child welfare agencies' commitment to keeping victims safe. In the extreme, victims whose children have been abused may be taken to court for failing to protect their children, with no investigation into whether the person may have been abused.

Victim may not stop loving the batterer despite the abuse.
Battering doesn't usually occur every day. About 1 in 5 women victimized by their spouse or ex-spouse reported that they had been a victim of a series of at least 3 assaults in the last 6 months. Batterers can at times be very loving and caring, lavishing gifts on the victim, writing personal notes and poems, or doing other things that are very romantic.

Lack of family support
"You made your bed, now lie in it."

Marriage is "for better or for worse."
Batterers sometimes use scriptures to justify their actions.
Clergy may be misinformed about the phenomenon of domestic violence or child abuse and may inadvertently send a signal to abused women and children that they should endure the abuse to protect another family member or save the marriage.

Referral services may be located in towns or cities miles from home.
Victims may be reluctant to make long-distance phone calls that will be listed on the monthly bill.
Public transportation is scarce.
Victims may fear that their batterer will check the mileage on vehicles.
Police officers are often miles from the scene of abuse, and it may take hours for them to respond.
Families residing in rural move less frequently, often staying in the same county, or even the same house, for generations. Physical safety means leaving behind family, friends, and all that is familiar.
Because some adults and children seldom leave the immediate communities in which they live, they may not know that domestic violence and child abuse are crimes.
Close relationships among community members may lead victims and children to seek assistance from family members or friends rather than from police, advocates, or other services. Orders of protection may be issued only at courthouses during limited hours on specified days of the week.
Circuit-riding prosecutors and judges who try and hear cases throughout the district or state may only be available periodically.

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shared by Barbara at 12:29 AM



I stayed because of

a} lack of money, on my own, I will not be able to afford a car, phone, internet, visiting anyone.
I am on food stamps with him now, so how will it be at half the income? {I have experienced severe poverty before in life on my own so have no illusions}

b} trying to stay out of Medicare nursing home, knowing that in this economy social services are collapsing. I even offered some homeless people I know who live in a RV camper, a free room if they would shop for me while I was housebound, but they turned me down. I have friends who have ended up in the nursing home: hell on earth.

c} Being counseled due to my poverty and physical limitations, I am better off with him. [by family and others]

d} No social supports, recent move, no local friends, I feel alone now, how will I be to be even more alone? Old town depressed, no stability. Family spread out hinter and yon.

All of the physical abuse has stopped, [18 months] and mine was more minor, guess I am fortunate in that, I know many women have no choice, he went to counseling etc. Still have the narcissism to contend with, the odd behaviors etc.

But some of us, life certainly did not turn out the way, we expected.

The social workers and others need to realize, many women are in that place of making a Faustian deal. Middle class social workers need to realize the choices, poorer women have to make. Its all about the cash baby, and in today's society, there are no social supports. 80 people on Facebook who all live 150plus miles from you isn't going to cut it. 4 weeks in a domestic abuse shelter thrown into the street doesnt cut it either. Until they can actually offer MOVING to women, [especially disabled] or real transitional housing--of 1-2 years [where are the Christians here--oh yeah in 2008, they wanted to send me to a ghetto homeless shelter in the worse neighborhood in America] that does not discriminated agianst the old or disabled, many of us do have to just suck it up and stay in bad relationships. Yes I understand, that some women being horribly physically abused have no place but to run, but then I saw many of them ending up homeless,[when I went to women's shelter group meetings--husband had started his counseling then]

10:22 AM  

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