Sanctuary for the Abused
Thursday, January 19, 2023
Bill of Rights for Domestic Violence Victims
Domestic Violence Victim Bill of Rights
* You have the right NOT to be abused.
* You have the right to anger over past abuse.
* You have a right to choose to change the situation.
* You have a right to freedom from fear of abuse.
* You have a right to request and expect assistance from police or social agencies.
* You have a right to share your feelings and not be isolated from others.
* You have a right to want a better role model of communication for yourself and your children.
* You have a right to be treated like an adult.
* You have a right to leave the abusive environment.
* You have a right to privacy.
* You have a right to express your own thoughts and feelings.
* You have a right to develop your individual talents and abilities without harrasssment.
* You have a right to legally prosecute the abusing spouse.
* You have a right not to be perfect.
(Adapted from; Victimology: An International Journal., Vol. 2 1977-78, No. 3-4, p.550)
Labels: abuse, anger, bill of rights, domestic violence, fear, support
Saturday, August 17, 2019
How Friends & Family Can Help an Abuse Victim
Family can have a great impact on the recovery of an abuse victim. Here is a brief description of things that family can do to help heal the heaviest of hearts and the deepest of wounds.
LISTEN: Although the thought of addressing an abusive relationship can be a difficult one, an abuse victim needs communication to help heal. Something as simple as letting the abuse victim talk to you and "vent" can make such a considerable difference in their recovery.
THINGS TO DO TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT: Be supportive. Really listen and indicate that you care
Help them receive help. See to it that they receive sensitive, concerned, and competent medical attention and/or counseling.
Recognize your own limitations in dealing with the abuse. If the survivor is a person you really care about, you are probably experiencing a number of different emotions from outrage to helplessness. Try to resist the urge to express your feelings to the survivor, especially in those silent periods when she may be crying or find it difficult to talk.
Block the abuser and do not communicate with them: 'Not taking sides' or 'remaining neutral' is anything but. Block the abuser, support the victim. Period.
Block the abuser and do not communicate with them: 'Not taking sides' or 'remaining neutral' is anything but. Block the abuser, support the victim. Period.
Remember to take care of yourself. It can be emotionally exhausting to be supportive to the survivor, while keeping your feelings bottled up. Find someone you can talk to-your feeling matter too. By talking out your feelings with someone other than the survivor, you will be better able to provide the continuing support that the survivor needs.
Remember to put your frustration and anger where it belongs, not on the survivor. They are not "damaged property"; but instead a person who has been abused and violently mistreated.
Your personal revenge against the abuser will not help, and in fact only make matters worse.
HOW FRIENDS AND FAMILY CAN HURT
How many times have you heard the phrase, "well, why don't you just leave him/her?" Probably more times then you can count. Although the topic of abuse is something that many of us can relate to, there are those out there who don't quite understand. In fact, one of the common reasons that abuse victims stay with their abuser is because of family issues, and fear of their family's rejection.
How many times have you heard the phrase, "well, why don't you just leave him/her?" Probably more times then you can count. Although the topic of abuse is something that many of us can relate to, there are those out there who don't quite understand. In fact, one of the common reasons that abuse victims stay with their abuser is because of family issues, and fear of their family's rejection.
DENIAL/ MISPLACED BLAMING:
Accepting the fact that you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship is very difficult, and often times we do anything we can to push that possibility away. We would all like to believe that it "can not happen to us/those around us" but unfortunately, it can and it does. A common defense mechanism for friends and family of abuse victims is to pretend that the abuse is not taking place. Friends and family attempt to change the subject, become upset once the topic is unavoidable, and even accuse the victim of lying. Some even say "it was your choice" which it wasn't. Not at all.
Although this is not the case in every situation, it happens more often then not. Through this system of lack of support or denial the victim becomes more isolated and eventually more connected to their abuser. Once this feeling of isolation has thoroughly sunk in the mind of an abuse victim, it becomes even more difficult to leave. An abuser has a powerful hold on their victim, and without assistance from family or friends, that hold can become almost unbreakable. After all, why leave if there is nothing else to go to?
Although this is not the case in every situation, it happens more often then not. Through this system of lack of support or denial the victim becomes more isolated and eventually more connected to their abuser. Once this feeling of isolation has thoroughly sunk in the mind of an abuse victim, it becomes even more difficult to leave. An abuser has a powerful hold on their victim, and without assistance from family or friends, that hold can become almost unbreakable. After all, why leave if there is nothing else to go to?
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO:
Ask for specifics and details. Allow the survivor to express their feelings, fears and reactions as they choose.
Tell the survivor what they must and must not do. It is their decision whether or not to report the abuse to the police. If they do not decide to report the abuse, still remain supportive and help them in any way possible.
Make the survivor feel guilty. The survivor has already been through an ordeal; try not to make it worse by using statements such as, "Why did you" or "How could you" or "Why didn't you just leave" or "Just forget them" or "move on/ get over it" or "I don't believe that - are you for real?" or "Don't answer the phone/ etc" ? These statements will only make the survivor feel worse, and further isolate them from seeking help.
Tell anyone about the abuse, unless specified by the survivor. If you need to talk out your feelings, that is fine. But please remember that this is a hard time for the survivor, and they do not want any unnecessary people knowing about the abuse, unless it is on their terms. Let the survivor tell people at their own pace, and in their own way.
Labels: abuse, believe, communication, family, friends, help, support
Thursday, August 16, 2018
What About My Pets?
Another Reason Women Don't Leave
I recently received an email from someone who reminded me of another reason why women don't leave abusive situations. They are afraid for the lives of their pets. According to Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, a 1997 study of the largest battered women's shelters in 48 states revealed that workers at 85 percent of those shelters had heard reports from women about incidents of animal abuse. And abusers often torture the human members of the family by hurting or killing pets, right in front of the other members of the family.
In fact, some abusers use animals to 'practice' hurting humans. In these situations the pet often becomes a sort of hostage - it is safe as long as the woman stays and obeys.
In an ideal world, there would be shelters that include pets, or safe places to place pets when anyone flees an abusive situation. Advocates are working with animals shelters and veterinarians to find a solution to this problem.
The priorities in our society make things even worse. There are not enough shelters for battered women in this country, and the prospect for improvement in the immediate future is dim. So the shelters are full, and animals are usually not permitted.
In the last ten years, more attention has been paid to the fact that violent people often manifest themselves first in violence against animals. Many states have passed laws that make cruelty to animals a felony offense. Women's rights advocates will relate, with bitter irony, that being cruel to an animal is a felony, while being cruel to a woman is only a misdemeneanor. But if you can get past that irony, the animal protection laws can be used to a woman's advantage.
The main problem with domestic violence laws is that a batterer can beat up his wife or girlfriend several times before the law gets annoyed. But if the batterer harms the family pet, the batterer can be arrested on a felony charge.
In many ways, our society at the present time values animals more than it values women and children. Humane Societies may be more prevalent in a state than women's shelters, often with more reliable funding. Please understand that I am not denigrating Humane Societies; that's where I get my cats. I am suggesting that the Humane Society can be a valuable ally that can partner with women's shelters.
If you are in a violent situation where your pet is being used as a hostage, the first step is still the same: call a hotline to get help. The advocates you reach will know the laws in your state and can help to find shelter for your pets too.
The Humane Society of the United States has a program called First Strike. There is information at their website for setting up an organization in your community. The woman who reminded me of this problem runs a website called Friends of Pets. And at DMOZ.org, there are thousands of websites listed that can help.
Ask when you call a shelter if they allow pets, or know a program in your area that will take care of your pet until your situation stabilizes. Family members and friends can be a good resource too. There may be county workers that investigate reports of animal cruelty who has ideas about sheltering your pets. I once worked with a women who has dozens of animals, including chickens and a horse. We found another women who had survived battering, had remarried and lived on a hobby farm. This survivor was happy to shelter all the women's animals while the first woman recovered.
Be sure to talk to your advocate about an Order for Protection, which can protect your animals as well as you. And as always, your best source for ideas, support, resources, and brainstorming if your local women's crisis center. The more we publicize issues like this one, the more attention it will receive. And perhaps we'll change the world.
Labels: abuse, abuser, animals, domestic violence, harm, order of protection, pets, protect, support
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
Disabled Women & Abuse
Domestic violence & women with disabilities
Domestic violence means violence that occurs in your home. Around one quarter of married women and women in de facto relationships in Australia experience domestic violence at some stage. Compared to women without disabilities, women with disabilities are more likely to experience violence and for more extended periods of time.
Types of violence
The different types of domestic violence experienced by women with disabilities can include:
- Hitting, punching, choking, kicking, pushing, burning with lit cigarettes.
- Threats, such as threatening physical harm or threatening to have the woman institutionalised.
- Threats against the woman's children, pets or guide dog.
- Verbal abuse such as criticisms, putdowns and insults.
- Taking control of the woman's disability aids against her wishes, such as moving her wheelchair around.
- Damaging or threatening to damage belongings, including disability aids.
- Neglect, such as refusing to wash or feed the woman or to hand over medications.
- Performing care in cruel ways, such as washing her in cold water.
- Refusing to offer help until the woman consents to sex.
- Unwanted sexual advances, ranging from unwanted touching to rape.
- Withholding information.
- Making decisions on the woman's behalf without her consent.
- Taking control of the woman's finances without her consent, including withholding money or not allowing her to shop for herself.
- Isolating the woman from family, friends and services.
The abusers
According to Western Australian research, the abusers are:
Male spouse or partner - 43 per cent
Parent - 15 per cent
Female spouse or partner - 11 per cent
Other relative - 8 per cent
Child - 7 per cent
Another person such as a neighbour - 6 per cent
Carer - 4 per cent
Work colleague - 2 per cent
Healthcare professional - 2 per cent
House or flat mate - 1 per cent
Clergy - 1 per cent.
Women with disabilities are more likely to experience violence
Compared to women without disabilities, women with disabilities are more likely to experience violence and for more extended periods of time. Some of the many reasons for this include:
Social myths - people with disabilities are often dismissed as passive, helpless, child-like, non-sexual and burdensome. These prejudices tend to make people with disabilities less visible to society, and suggest that abuse, especially sexual abuse, is unlikely.
Learned helplessness - people with disabilities, particularly people with cognitive disabilities or those who have been living in institutions for a long time, are encouraged to be compliant and cooperative. This life history can make it harder for a woman to defend herself against abuse.
Lack of sex education - there is a tendency to deny sex education to people with intellectual disabilities. If a woman with no knowledge of sex is sexually abused, it is harder for her to seek help because she may not understand exactly what is happening to her.
Dependence - the woman may be dependent on her abuser for care because her disability limits her economic and environmental independence.
Misdiagnosis - authorities may misinterpret a cry for help; for example, a woman's behaviour might be diagnosed as 'anxiety' rather than signs of abuse. In other situations, workers may not be aware that domestic violence also includes financial or emotional abuse, or may not be sensitive to the signs.
The abuser takes control - if the woman seeks help, follow-up may be difficult because the abuser isolates her and prevents her from using the phone or leaving the house.
Reasons for not seeking help from authorities
One US study found that women with disabilities tend not to report the abuse themselves. Some of the many reasons why women with disabilities may not seek help from authorities and support agencies include:
- Shame.
- Belief that she somehow deserves to be abused.
- Belief that she is being abused because she is disabled.
- Not knowing that she has any rights or that there are laws to protect her.
- Not realising that the treatment she receives is abusive, because she has been treated this way her whole life.
- Staying where she is and enduring the abuse may seem like a slightly better option than poverty, homelessness or institutionalisation.
- Belief that the police and the courts don't take domestic violence as seriously as other kinds of violence.
- Prior bad experiences with authorities - for example, a woman with a psychiatric illness may have had an upsetting experience with police in the past, which is why she won't consider contacting them for help.
- Isolation - for example, the abuser may not allow her to use the phone or leave the house.
- Lack of access to information, because the abuser chooses to withhold information from her.
- Fear of negative outcomes.
Fear can stop women from seeking help
Common fears include:
- Fear that no one will believe her.
- Fear that no one will be able to help her.
- Fear of being punished by the abuser for reporting the violence.
- Fear of being shamed, punished or shunned by her family, friends and community.
- Fear of loss - for example, she may be afraid of losing her home or having her children taken away from her.
- Fear of being institutionalised.
- Fear of having no one to help her if she leaves the relationship.
- Barriers to women with disabilities getting help
Some of the reasons why women with disabilities may not get help include:
- Disability policies tend to rely on family members taking care of the person, which is disastrous if the carer is also the abuser.
- Since the abuser is often the caregiver, the woman is denied information and access to help services.
- The wide range of disabilities means there is no distinct 'group', so there is no 'one size fits all' policy to adopt nor any easy way to access all of the women who need help.
- Domestic violence workers may not be educated about the issues facing women with disabilities, and disability workers may not be educated about domestic violence.
- The various agencies that help people with disabilities aren't cross-referenced as thoroughly as they could be, which creates service gaps. For example, a woman might be referred back and forth between two agencies, such as sexual assault services and disability services, without receiving help from either because she falls outside the guidelines of both agencies.
- Studies and statistics on women with disabilities and domestic violence are few and far between, so agencies may not be aware of service gaps.
Where to get help
Your doctor
Police
Ambulance
Domestic Violence Outreach Workers
Compared to women without disabilities, women with disabilities are more likely to experience violence and for more extended periods of time.
The male spouse or partner is the abuser in 53 per cent of cases according to one Western Australian study. Your abuser may well be female
There are many barriers that prevent women with disabilities from seeking help, including reliance on the abuser, fear and service gaps in disability and women's agencies.
Labels: abuse, disabilities, reporting, resources, support, women
Saturday, April 07, 2018
ONE MOM'S BATTLE
One Mom's Battle is an AWESOME resource for women & men battling thru divorce and child custody with a Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath or BPD.
I can't recommend strongly enough for anyone having these issues to join their Facebook group or Twitter and to follow their website. - Barbara
~~~~~~~~~
This battle started as “One Mom’s Battle” but it has become a village. Together, this village will make changes in the Family Court System and will bring awareness to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What started as a lonely journey has turned into a family of men and women who are “in the trenches” and working to ensure that the Family Court System starts to do what it was designed to do: act in the best interest of the children.
In 2008, a heard three words that would forever change my life. As quickly as my therapist said the words, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,”
I wanted her to take them back. I didn’t want to hear that my marriage
was irreparable. I didn’t want to hear that there was no hope for my
husband. I was in a lonely, empty and verbally abusive marriage yet I
was still not ready to throw in the towel. I left my therapist’s office
that day and I did not return to see her for over four years.
I spent the remainder of 2008 trying to salvage my marriage. As the victim of gas lighting, a stealth form of emotional abuse which is generally delivered by individuals with personality disorders, I was a shell of the person I had been prior to meeting Seth. I was no longer a bright, bubbly, free-spirit – I was insecure and filled with self-doubt. During that year, I began to discover that my marriage was fraught with lies and deception. In the beginning of 2009, a second therapist (our marital counselor) suggested that Seth undergo a psychological evaluation and that day, he walked out of therapy and proclaimed that our marriage was over.
I quickly discovered that there is only one thing worse than being married to a narcissist and that is divorcing a narcissist. I also discovered that the Family Court System is not equipped or educated on Cluster B personality disorders. Individuals (male and females) who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are generally charming and charismatic. They are also pathological liars who are skilled at deceiving those around them whether it be in the business world, political arena or sadly, in the courtroom. Because perjury is not punishable in Family Court, this venue becomes a playground for the narcissist and winning becomes their driving force.
My battle began in 2009 when I went from a 4,000 foot home in a gated community to my local women’s shelter – this was the very shelter that I had volunteered my time for many years. To be on the “other side” was the most humbling experience of my life. I lost everything in one short year: my business, my home, my cars and my marriage. I then spent the next four years entangled in one of the worst custody battles to enter the San Luis Obispo Family Court System. During this time, I acted as my own attorney and had to dig deep for inner strength. I found God and learned what “faith” really means.
My battle came to an end in July of 2013 when I was awarded full legal and physical custody of my daughters, ages 6 and 8. Not only did my battle come to an end but I received validation when the courts handed down final custody orders consisting of professionally supervised visits. After four long and exhausting years, my daughters are finally safe. This is a story about not giving up. This is a lesson about believing in yourself and what you can accomplish when the odds are against you.
xoxo Tina
###
“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.
Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist?
Tina Swithin’s book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle” is available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.
SOURCE
I can't recommend strongly enough for anyone having these issues to join their Facebook group or Twitter and to follow their website. - Barbara
~~~~~~~~~
This battle started as “One Mom’s Battle” but it has become a village. Together, this village will make changes in the Family Court System and will bring awareness to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What started as a lonely journey has turned into a family of men and women who are “in the trenches” and working to ensure that the Family Court System starts to do what it was designed to do: act in the best interest of the children.
TINA SWITHIN
I spent the remainder of 2008 trying to salvage my marriage. As the victim of gas lighting, a stealth form of emotional abuse which is generally delivered by individuals with personality disorders, I was a shell of the person I had been prior to meeting Seth. I was no longer a bright, bubbly, free-spirit – I was insecure and filled with self-doubt. During that year, I began to discover that my marriage was fraught with lies and deception. In the beginning of 2009, a second therapist (our marital counselor) suggested that Seth undergo a psychological evaluation and that day, he walked out of therapy and proclaimed that our marriage was over.
I quickly discovered that there is only one thing worse than being married to a narcissist and that is divorcing a narcissist. I also discovered that the Family Court System is not equipped or educated on Cluster B personality disorders. Individuals (male and females) who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are generally charming and charismatic. They are also pathological liars who are skilled at deceiving those around them whether it be in the business world, political arena or sadly, in the courtroom. Because perjury is not punishable in Family Court, this venue becomes a playground for the narcissist and winning becomes their driving force.
My battle began in 2009 when I went from a 4,000 foot home in a gated community to my local women’s shelter – this was the very shelter that I had volunteered my time for many years. To be on the “other side” was the most humbling experience of my life. I lost everything in one short year: my business, my home, my cars and my marriage. I then spent the next four years entangled in one of the worst custody battles to enter the San Luis Obispo Family Court System. During this time, I acted as my own attorney and had to dig deep for inner strength. I found God and learned what “faith” really means.
My battle came to an end in July of 2013 when I was awarded full legal and physical custody of my daughters, ages 6 and 8. Not only did my battle come to an end but I received validation when the courts handed down final custody orders consisting of professionally supervised visits. After four long and exhausting years, my daughters are finally safe. This is a story about not giving up. This is a lesson about believing in yourself and what you can accomplish when the odds are against you.
This is about my experience in the Family
Court System and the frustrations that came as a result of this broken
system. This isn’t about mother’s rights or father’s rights. It’s about
a child’s right to be happy, safe and loved.
xoxo Tina
###
“Like” One Mom’s Battle on Facebook or “follow” on Twitter.
Seeking insight, encouragement and advice while divorcing a narcissist?
Tina Swithin’s book, “Divorcing a Narcissist- One Mom’s Battle” is available on Amazon or through Barnes & Noble. Learn how to set boundaries and see the narcissist for who he/she really is. You will learn to forgive yourself and you will begin to heal.
SOURCE
Labels: abuse, borderline personality disorder, child custody, child support, co-parenting, custody, divorce, family court, narcissist, parallel parenting, psychopath, sociopath, support
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Why the Victim Stays
1. FEAR
Of more serious injury or death
Of trying to make it on her own
2. SHAME
Of having a failed marriage
Traditional responsibility for the home rests with the wife (e.g., if she had been a better cook.)
Social stigma, "It's not supposed to happen in families like mine!"
3. HOPE
Every time abuser apologizes, the victim wants to believe.
When abuser isn't being abusive, abuser is nice.
If victim could be a better spouse or partner, maybe victim could control abuser's violence.
4. MONEY
Abuser controls the money. The checking account and credit cards are in abuser's name only.
The victim may not have a job.
Abuser gives victim an allowance and demands receipts for everything spent.
5. DEPENDENCE ON BATTERER
The more dependent a batterer makes the victim, the less likely the victim will leave.
Batterer may force the victim to give up working outside the home.
Batterer may not allow the victim to go to school.
Batterer may sell or disable the victim's car.
Batterer may isolate the victim from family and friends.
Batterer may disable or remove phones from the house when he is leaving the house.
6. CHILDREN
The victim wants the children to have two parents.
The victim both stays and leaves because of children.
A batterer may threaten or abuse the children as a means of intimidating and controlling the victim's behavior.
People who choose not to report violence may not realize that they risk losing custody of their children.
Abused children may remain silent out of fear that the batterer will retaliate and further abuse their mother, themselves, or their siblings.
Child welfare agencies and domestic violence services routinely function along parallel tracks with no coordination. At times they are in conflict with each other, as child welfare agencies' commitment to keeping victims safe. In the extreme, victims whose children have been abused may be taken to court for failing to protect their children, with no investigation into whether the person may have been abused.
7. LOVE
Victim may not stop loving the batterer despite the abuse.
Battering doesn't usually occur every day. About 1 in 5 women victimized by their spouse or ex-spouse reported that they had been a victim of a series of at least 3 assaults in the last 6 months. Batterers can at times be very loving and caring, lavishing gifts on the victim, writing personal notes and poems, or doing other things that are very romantic.
8. FAMILY PRESSURE
Lack of family support
"You made your bed, now lie in it."
9. RELIGIOUS REASONS
Marriage is "for better or for worse."
Batterers sometimes use scriptures to justify their actions.
Clergy may be misinformed about the phenomenon of domestic violence or child abuse and may inadvertently send a signal to abused women and children that they should endure the abuse to protect another family member or save the marriage.
10. VICTIMS IN RURAL AREAS
Referral services may be located in towns or cities miles from home.
Victims may be reluctant to make long-distance phone calls that will be listed on the monthly bill.
Public transportation is scarce.
Victims may fear that their batterer will check the mileage on vehicles.
Police officers are often miles from the scene of abuse, and it may take hours for them to respond.
Families residing in rural move less frequently, often staying in the same county, or even the same house, for generations. Physical safety means leaving behind family, friends, and all that is familiar.
Because some adults and children seldom leave the immediate communities in which they live, they may not know that domestic violence and child abuse are crimes.
Close relationships among community members may lead victims and children to seek assistance from family members or friends rather than from police, advocates, or other services. Orders of protection may be issued only at courthouses during limited hours on specified days of the week.
Circuit-riding prosecutors and judges who try and hear cases throughout the district or state may only be available periodically.
Labels: abuse, confusion, fear, leaving, pets, safety, stay, support, toxic hope, victims
Sunday, February 04, 2018
The 99 Worst Things to Say to Someone Who's Depressed
Here is the list from contributors to asd:
0. "What's your problem?"
1. "Will you stop that constant whining? What makes you think that anyone cares?"
2. "Have you gotten tired yet of all this me-me-me stuff?"
3. "You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear."
4. "But it's all in your mind."
5. "I thought you were stronger than that."
6. "No one ever said life was fair."
7. "As you get stronger you won't have to wallow in it as much."
8. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps."
9. "Do you feel better now?" (Usually said following a five minute conversation in which the speaker has asked me "what's wrong?" and "would you like to talk about it?" with the best of intentions, but absolutely no understanding of depression as anything but an irrational sadness.)
10. "Why don't you just grow up?"
11. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
12. "There are a lot of people worse off than you."
13. "You have it so good, why aren't you happy?"
14. "It's a beautiful day!"
15. "You have so many things to be thankful for, why are you depressed?"
16. "What do you have to be depressed about."
17. "Happiness is a choice."
18. "You think you've got problems..."
19. "Well at least it's not that bad."
20. "Maybe you should take vitamins/herbs/chant affirmations for your stress."
21. "There is always somebody worse off than you are."
22. "Lighten up!"
23. "You should get off all those pills."
24. "You are what you think."
25. "Cheer up!"
26. "You're always feeling sorry for yourself."
27. "Why can't you just be normal?"
28. "Things aren't *that* bad, are they?"
29. "Have you been praying/reading the Bible?"
30. "You need to get out more."
31. "We have to get together some time." [Yeah, right!]
32. "Get a grip!"
33. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
34. "Take a hot bath. That's what I always do when I'm upset."
35. "Well, everyone gets depressed sometimes!"
36. "Get a job!"
37. "Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone."
38. "You don't look depressed!"
39. "You're so selfish!"
40. "You never think of anyone but yourself."
41. "You're just looking for attention."
42. "Have you got PMS?"
43. "You'll be a better person because of it!"
44. "Everybody has a bad day now and then."
45. "You should buy nicer clothes to wear."
46. "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
47. "Why don't you smile more?"
48. "A person your age should be having the time of your life."
49. "The only one you're hurting is yourself."
50. "You can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it."
51. "This is a place of business, not a hospital." (after confiding to supervisor about my depression)
52. "Depression is a symptom of your sin against God."
53. "You brought it on yourself"
54. "You can make the choice for depression and its effects, or against depression, it's all in your hands."
55. "Get off your rear and do something." -or- "Just do it!"
56. "Why should I care?"
57. "Snap out of it, will you?"
58. "You want to feel this way."
59. "You have no reason to feel this way."
60. "Its your own fault."
61. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
62. "You're always worried about *your* problems."
63. "Your problems aren't that big."
64. "What are you worried about? You should be fine."
65. "Just don't think about it."
66. "Go Away."
67. "You don't have the ability to do it."
68. "Just wait a few weeks, it'll be over soon."
69. "Go out and have some fun!"
70. "You're making me depressed as well..."
71. "I just want to help you."
72. "The world out there is not that bad..."
73. "Just try a little harder!"
74. "Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."
75. "You need a boy/girl-friend."
76. "You need a hobby."
77. "Just pull yourself together"
78. "You'd feel better if you went to church"
79. "I think your depression is a way of punishing us." &emdash;My mother
80. "Sh_t or get off the pot."
81. "So, you're depressed. Aren't you always?"
82. "What you need is some real tragedy in your life to give you perspective."
83. "You're a writer, aren't you? Just think of all the good material you're getting out of this."
84. This one is best executed with an evangelical-style handshake, i.e., one of my hands is imprisoned by two belonging to a beefy person who thinks he has a lot more charisma than I do: "Our thoughts and prayers are with you." This has actually happened to me. Bitten-back response: "Who are 'our'? And don't do me any favors, schmuck."
85. "Have you tried chamomile tea?"
86. "So, you're depressed. Aren't you always?"
87. "You will be ok, just hang in there, it will pass." (or "This too shall pass." -- Ann Landers)
88. "Oh, perk up!"
89. "Try not being so depressed."
90. "Quit whining. Go out and help people and you won't have time to brood..."
91. "Go out and get some fresh air... that always makes me feel better."
92. "You have to take up your bed and carry on."
93. "Why don't you give up going to these quacks (i.e., doctors) and throw out those pills, then you'll feel better."
94. "Well, we all have our cross to bear."
95. "You should join band or chorus or something. That way you won't be thinking about yourself so much."
96. "You change your mind."
97. "You're useless."
98. "Nobody is responsible for your depression."
99. "You don't like feeling that way? So, change it."
SOURCE
Labels: abuse, depression, responsible, support, understanding, what not to say
Thursday, January 18, 2018
How to Help Those Abused by a Narcissist
by Kathleen Krajco
Those abused by narcissists usually need two kinds of help: expert help and comfort/validation.
The expert help needed varies. Narcissistic abuse and slander inflict psychological injury (not to be confused with mental illness) and therefore the victims often need psychological counseling. Women abused by their husbands or boyfriends often need practical advice and help getting themselves and their children away safely. (A qualified TRAUMA-certified counselor is necessary. Domestic Violence Centers often provide free counseling; and you do not need to be a resident)
Children need help from Social Services. In any case the victim may need legal advice. Especially when the abuse is a bully in the workplace in a private institution (e.g., a parochial school), the victim has usually been lynched and needs pro bono legal aid. Indeed, no lawyer expects to profit battling the interminable stonewalling such a secretive institution throws up to escape accountability. The same goes for narcissistic abuse in the form of pedophilia.
When signing up for any group, I also suggest using a screen name and an email address from a free webmail account like you can get at Yahoo or Gmail. This is just a precaution when interacting on a message board: Remember that you never know who all is out there reading your posts. You don't want any weirdo trying to contact you, so it's best to be anonymous. You do this through a free webmail account under a screen name no one would recognize. You can create one of these webmail addresses just for group memberships. Through it nobody can find out your real name or where you live. Doing this also helps keep your regular email account free of spam.
Comfort anyone can give. The word comfort comes from the Latin word for "to fortify." That's what comfort is. It's the strengthening embrace that supports a person weakened by injury or abuse. It's the strengthening embrace that helps them to their knees and then to their feet. It's not rocket science. All it takes is compassion.
Those abused by a narcissist have had their self-esteem brutally bludgeoned by a bully who jumps up and down on their back to break it and then thump his or her chest.
What they need is someone to be there.
To say that the narcissist's value judgment was wrong.
They need somebody to treat them like a human being.
Somebody to say that they are NOT nothing and that stomping on them is NOT nothing.
Somebody to say and show that it matters.
That's all. Any real human being is qualified to lend this aid. And it's not too much to ask.
All you have to do is listen. Show that you're listening by responding now and then. Say something that amounts to "Boy what she did to you really sucks," showing that it makes you sad or angry or both to hear about it. Then just show that the victim means something to you, that he or she is NOT a hunk of dirt in your eyes. It's not hard. It's easy and natural.
What the victim doesn't need is any more criticism or fixing. They don't need you to tell them how they should feel. They don't need you to act like it didn't happen. They don't need any preaching that they should forgive an unrepentant abuser who fully intends to keep right on abusing them. If you need to do things like that, then you are the one with heavy-duty needs and are in no condition to fulfill anybody else's needs.
SOURCE
Those abused by narcissists usually need two kinds of help: expert help and comfort/validation.
The expert help needed varies. Narcissistic abuse and slander inflict psychological injury (not to be confused with mental illness) and therefore the victims often need psychological counseling. Women abused by their husbands or boyfriends often need practical advice and help getting themselves and their children away safely. (A qualified TRAUMA-certified counselor is necessary. Domestic Violence Centers often provide free counseling; and you do not need to be a resident)
Children need help from Social Services. In any case the victim may need legal advice. Especially when the abuse is a bully in the workplace in a private institution (e.g., a parochial school), the victim has usually been lynched and needs pro bono legal aid. Indeed, no lawyer expects to profit battling the interminable stonewalling such a secretive institution throws up to escape accountability. The same goes for narcissistic abuse in the form of pedophilia.
When signing up for any group, I also suggest using a screen name and an email address from a free webmail account like you can get at Yahoo or Gmail. This is just a precaution when interacting on a message board: Remember that you never know who all is out there reading your posts. You don't want any weirdo trying to contact you, so it's best to be anonymous. You do this through a free webmail account under a screen name no one would recognize. You can create one of these webmail addresses just for group memberships. Through it nobody can find out your real name or where you live. Doing this also helps keep your regular email account free of spam.
Comfort anyone can give. The word comfort comes from the Latin word for "to fortify." That's what comfort is. It's the strengthening embrace that supports a person weakened by injury or abuse. It's the strengthening embrace that helps them to their knees and then to their feet. It's not rocket science. All it takes is compassion.
Those abused by a narcissist have had their self-esteem brutally bludgeoned by a bully who jumps up and down on their back to break it and then thump his or her chest.
What they need is someone to be there.
To say that the narcissist's value judgment was wrong.
They need somebody to treat them like a human being.
Somebody to say that they are NOT nothing and that stomping on them is NOT nothing.
Somebody to say and show that it matters.
That's all. Any real human being is qualified to lend this aid. And it's not too much to ask.
All you have to do is listen. Show that you're listening by responding now and then. Say something that amounts to "Boy what she did to you really sucks," showing that it makes you sad or angry or both to hear about it. Then just show that the victim means something to you, that he or she is NOT a hunk of dirt in your eyes. It's not hard. It's easy and natural.
What the victim doesn't need is any more criticism or fixing. They don't need you to tell them how they should feel. They don't need you to act like it didn't happen. They don't need any preaching that they should forgive an unrepentant abuser who fully intends to keep right on abusing them. If you need to do things like that, then you are the one with heavy-duty needs and are in no condition to fulfill anybody else's needs.
SOURCE
Labels: abuse, narcissist., narcissists, support, trauma, victims
