Sanctuary for the Abused

Saturday, February 22, 2014

How Psychopaths View Their World


Most psychopaths are very arrogant and cocky. However, when charming a potential victim, they say all the "right" things and make you believe they are kind-hearted souls; not always, but often enough. 

The truth is, psychopaths are not altruistic and do not really care about friendships or ties. Guggenbuhl-Craig states that they are very talented at appearing much more humble than the average person, but are hardly so. Some are also able to feign concern about the lower classes and profess that they are on the side of the underdog, the poor, and so forth. A psychopath may claim, for instance (if he's from a low socio-economic class), that he dislikes rich people intensely, but at the same time, he will inwardly yearn and envy what they have. He is like the narcissist, desiring to reflect a false image of himself through his possessions. Among his possessions are included human beings: girlfriends, wives, and children. Some psychopaths can even very fond of animals (contrary to the common viewpoint), but still view them as objects in relation to themselves.

The psychopath is filled with greed inside, relating to the world through power, even though, as I said, on the outside he can claim to be on the side of the disenfranchised or the downtrodden. I knew one who liked to repeat phrases such as "they have to stop keeping my brothers down" but he didn't mean a word of it. He was actually a racist. The psychopath can also often identify himself as a revolutionary.

On the flip side, the psychopath also often paints a picture of himself as the downcast anti-hero (his "own worst enemy type") and some like to see themselves as lone-wolves. The psychopath may even claim he is sensitive and profound, but inside he is nothing but emptiness and greed. Whether or not the psychopath is aware of his behaviour is something that is often debated. I do believe that psychopaths usually know exactly what they are doing, although others suggest that psychopaths are "born, not made." [1]

I believe that psychopathy is primarily genetic. A son with a psychopathic father often will be psychopathic as well, especially if the father was abusive and/or abandoned the family as well.

As mentioned, psychopaths often claim to settle for second best (being their own worst enemy) and then think they deserve better. This may be manifested in the way they seek power -- either through money (i.e. material goods), manipulation and/or treating people as objects. By enacting such behaviours, the psychopath is also trying to "get back" at society and the world, in order to gain retribution. They will spend their entire lives doing this, whether they are rich or poor, or whatever their social background may be, although studies have shown that they often come from an impoverished or lower socio- economic background and/or social status. (In one of Dr. Donald Black's studies, many of the men were "overwhelmingly white, blue collar, lower middle class, and married, and most had not graduated from high school." [Black, 14]). (Let me add, despite Dr. Blacks' studies, psychopaths can still exist in any social class. Do not be misled). I also wanted to point out that I will be using "he" and "him" for the term psychopath throughout this website; let it not be forgotten, yes, female psychopaths exist as well; however, according to the Sixth Edition of Abnormal Behavior, printed in 2000 by three male professors, David, Derald, and Stanley Sue, the rates do differ by gender. Included in their excellent text is a report by the The American Psychiatric Association that the general estimate is 3% for men, and less than 1% in women [Personality Disorders and Impulse Control Disorders, 238].

What is very disturbing about psychopaths, besides their sense of special entitlement, is the complete lack of empathy for normal people, for "antisocials (psychopaths) seem to lack a conscience, feeling little or no empathy for the people whose lives they touch...the antisocial effortlessly resists all regulation, unable to see beyond his self-interest or to adopt standards of right versus wrong." [Black, XIII].

Not all psychopath are uneducated low-class misfits. Some of them are quite handsome and have good careers, and use this all the more to their benefit. Take a look at Ted Bundy; my friend's mother once went on a double-date with him and claimed he was the nicest person. His mother said he was the "best son any mother could have." Bundy was also apparently quite good-looking, which made him even more dangerous. So not all psychopaths are derelict, low-class, high school drop-outs, there are many who also work in professional occupations; the fact remains that there are just more psychopaths who come from impoverished backgrounds than not.

Also, not all psychopaths are calm, cool, and collected. Some of them appear strange or odd, and their behaviour can be eccentric or unusual. I believe this is what can confuse victims most often. Psychopaths often appear [see pictures here]: intense and "electrifying". Do not be misled if someone appears harmless, "foolish", or seems offbeat. An "angelic" visage can also often fool people. Just picture John Wayne Gacy in his "clown costume" as he entertained children as one example. Another example which someone on the "Victims of Psychopathy" board came up with was Bill Clinton and his "goofy" yet loveable demeanour (so is Clinton really a psychopath? Many believe he is).

A psychopath (he was diagnosed anti-social) I knew used the harmless cover-up quite well. Everyone thought he was very funny. I did too, at first. Then, little by little, I realised there was something "not right" about him. At first his seemingly harmless pranks were charming, but after a while, he became more of a nuisance and disrupted our work environment, which created havoc and tension between employees. I've learned, a psychopath can use these disguises for his own hidden purpose.Regardless of race, social class, or occupation, however, the psychopath is dangerous to society, for "the nature of ASP (psychopathy) implies that it wreaks more havoc on society than most other mental illnesses do, since the disorder primarily involves reactions against the social environment that drag other people into its destructive web...The despair and anxiety wrought by antisocials (psychopaths) tragically affects families and communities, leaving deep physical and emotional scars..." [Black, 5].

There is much to the psychopathic personality which is baffling and disturbing. 1 in about 25-30 people are psychopathic (also known as sociopaths or anti-social -- the correct title being psychopath.) Since the majority or them are men, I wrote this site in part, to warn women about the dangers, especially women online, which I believe is a favourite "new medium" which appeals to psychopaths. I have personal experience with this subject as well. This is because "antisocials (psychopaths) are not just characters in our fictional or true-life entertainments. They are family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, or strangers we may encounter every day." [Black, 10]. Pamela Jayne, M.A., writes that "30% of men are sociopathic." If about every three out of ten men I may meet are psychopathic, I would assume this is not something to take lightly. According to these statistics, that would mean every three out of ten men and maybe every one out of ten females. The truth is, we do not really know exactly how many individuals are psychopathic; however, there seems to be a rise in the prevalence of psychopathy and that is why some claim that numbers are higher. Dr. Black claims that psychopathy leads right behind depression, along with schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder, which is an astounding fact.

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shared by Barbara at 12:08 AM


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44 Comments:

I have suffered at the hands of psychopaths. I am so drained. My mother is a psychopath, my 2 brothers and 2 sisters and grandparents on moms side. My exhusband, 2 neighbors which I dated - Biggest error in my life. Now, after research I realized why I attracted them. I was born into it, I just can't be like that it is sad and painful, I learned never to try and help fix these people, its all the same, the high high's and low low's are too much I remember growing up learning to turn the other cheek with my mother, she could be so nice and then change - it was awful. I can't take it anymore, it makes me want to hide from people. Although, I still meet people who I feel very blessed to meet who treat me like a normal loving human being and they recognize this in me. My point is it is way more common that what is stated in these analyst statistics. Instead of every 3 out of 10 I would be most comforted to report - how about every 6 out of 10 people? And my mother gave both of my psychopathic brothers away, she did not raise them and they are EXACTLY like her. I am so devasted and don't want to believe this is real, but I hope it will help someone's research out there to help other's who are survivors of this human dysfunction.

I am learning and seeking information as best I can not to attract these types of people anymore, I now fear having kids of my own thinking there is the 50/50 chance of my offspring being monsters too. They are not the killing types of psychopaths who go around hacking people at least to my knowledge. But they will destroy you in every way possible and I am devasted they are like venomous snakes waiting to strike and they listen and watch you seeming so sincere, then you find they were setting you up all along doing everything they can to make you crazy then turn everything around on you, one psychpath brother I met 31 years after my birth tried to have an incestuous relationship with me, telling me how special and beautiful I was when I was at a very low point in my life he seemed like an angel over the phone and in his emails- that's another long episode in itself. I wish I could take a DNA test to prove that they gave my mom the wrong baby (me) in the hospital because I am not like them and don't want to be. I care too much about other people and always try not to hurt them, but instead I get taken advantage of- I know they despise my kind abilities because they lack it completely they know how to act it out but its just a way to draw you in and bite you - and its confusing and hurtful to experience their deceptive behavior. I was once told that children of these types either become just like them or the extreme opposite and passive leaving them vulnerable to other abusers. That was me:(. Now I just want to learn how to cut them all off and start on a path of recovery from the pain and confusion. Coming from a psycopathic family you will notice a disconnect, for example if someone violates you they are not supportive and make you feel responsible and talk behind your back and mistreat you too. These people need to be sterilized:(. They are indestructible machines and not much phases them. It's baffling, confusing and scary and anyone close to them will suffer:( I know it best as I said I came from it and I want to run as far away as possible. When I ran away as a young teenager I should have disappeared into thin air and kept it that way!

7:23 PM  

hmm.. I'm very antisocial, does that make me a psychopath? ACK!

5:26 PM  

I know someone who played me during a along time but, finally because I would no give her the control of my life to her she came forward with her real personality. She opened to me to hurt me in the most despicable way. This way I discover her intentions and that she is a psychopath to the full extend. The funny thing about it is that her family accepts her attitude and what they do to keep her happy and away from their own private lives is by providing her victims. And I was one of the victims. Through the years, 11 years, according to what she was doing to me and the things I find out that she did to other victims I decided to walk away from the hole gang but I couldn’t I was too week, at the beginning in denial, then shocked and even scared but finally I decided to become stronger and stronger so what I just want is to disappear from their lives so I will find peace again. It may take me a longer time than what I expected but I will walk away.

1:50 PM  

my friends boyfriend is a psychopath. He just uses her body and then flirts with us all, she doesn't seem to mind suprisingly enough

11:22 PM  

"Many people who were raised by psychopathic parents, along with the reports of people who had children with a psychopathic spouse constantly report the same experience: that the psychopath shows little or no direct meaningful and nurturing interest in their children. They will however, proclaim to all and sundry what magnificent parents they are even when it is obvious to all around them that they have either an neglectful, abusive or even sexual interaction with their own offspring."

from: http://labyrinthpsycho.blogspot.com

12:54 PM  

I think my eldest brother is a psychopath, he was a nightmare to live with, he was violent to my other brothers and my father, he also was very abusive to my mother growing up, he still makes me feel sad at times as he does things that are hurtful towards me, I cant say literally two words to him and he argues with me, he is also racist and hates my dog for no reason.

11:13 AM  

Hey, my brother is pretty much the same as the guy described in Elaine's story. Its sad to think that so many people are held hostage at the hands of these self involved ticking time bombs.

I've tried to love my brother enough that he may finally feel at peace, but nothing works. Not when the person is a psychopath.

Everyone should do themselves a favour and check the Hare Psychopathy checklist Revised. It contains 20 points on a checklist scoring from 0-2 on each point.

At least we can all be aware as we can to avoid being manipulated and taken advantage of by the psychopath in our lives.

11:31 AM  

Learning how obvious and prevalant psychopathy is makes me wonder if the father of modern day psychology, Sigmund Freud, wasn't a psychopath himself, and here we are spouting off all his jargon! Just like evil fake dr. sam vaknin, who came up with the term "narcissistic supply" and how I hear that tossed about. So here we are running in circles, chasing lies and pasting ridiculous terms on people and nobody is getting helped and psychopaths are being born in droves (as it's nothing more than genetic) and satan just smiles and thinks that humans are so gullible! Luke 13:34 "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!"

We will RUN after everything else but God won't we?

Jesus, I need you.

10:47 PM  

I've had a difficult time identifying my mothers behavior, and it now seems that the best explanation of her is that she is a psychopath. She abducted me and my sister from our father and took us to another country. Although she did not go into hiding with us, our father had no recourse nor resources to get us since he was poor and lived in a country that strictly prohibited travel at the time. She showed no empathy for our despair, never said the words
"I love you", never hugged me. She was, however a good mother in the external sense, she cleaned and cooked constantly, and everyone thought of her as the "ideal mother" and how lucky I was. She was also very charming and beautiful. Psychopath mother's do not want their children to do well, to excel, be independent nor even healthy. What they are interested in is control. They want to be providers as long as they have control, it makes them feel good. To piss a psychopath off, be independent, strong and healthy. It's hard to convince others of my discovery as the word "psychopath" is so loaded with images of knife wielding serial killers and rapists. I think if I used the word "psychopath" with my therapist he would be skeptical and might think I am exaggerating. But I think that would be wrong of him. It's difficult for me as a child of a psychopath to receive validation of my feelings and experiences, I think this too is a part of the cycle of disease. The child (even as an adult) is so broken that they do not know where to go to start to heal.

10:07 AM  

Counseling with a Trauma Counselor for SURE. You may have some level of PTSD.

Facebook has a couple groups that might interest you. Search for:

DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS
and/or
ADULT CHILDREN OF DYSFUNCTIONAL PARENTS

12:56 AM  

This is in response to the anonymous comment above with the psychopathic mother. Yes, you may be right that your therapist would think this is extreme. (By the way, you are RIGHT on target, but most people INCLUDING therapists, have NO clue.) It's because of what you said, that they picture murderers when they hear the term psychopath. We really need (yet another!) term that "just" means that someone has the BRAIN FUNCTIONING of a psychopath. Or has no conscience. And then a huge campaign explaining this, like with autism.

The sad thing is, it may become "in vogue" to be a psychopath. See, "bi-polar" is the okay phrase to describe yourself if you are a famous psychopath. But what if all the actors, artists, etc who admit to this (being bi-polar) were actually psychopaths? And then if they "came out" with this, others would think that it's not that bad and after all, as they are successful. Dr. James Fallon is a neuroscientist who is a psychopath with videos on youtube. What you see when you watch these are that he has been married for years and that he is familiar with the genetics of psychopaths etc. You don't see or hear how he has more than likely emotionally abused many people in his life. (Psychopaths MUST be AGAINST at least one person.) So from the outside he seems successful. Sam Vaknin too is a psychopath. Yet he's been married to a woman who is severely emotionally abused, and if you watch the "I,Psychopath" video on youtube, it seems like he's okay because of it (being married so long).

It is REALLY bad people. And I long to meet other non-psychopaths who have had their eyes so widely opened. I want so badly to love you, to be loved by you (in a completely non-sexual way!) because this is something that you will NEVER have with a psychopath. Love. And contrary to what they make us believe, we NEED genuine love. To have a place to go and rest and heal where all the staff and residents have been mri'ed to make sure none are psychopaths. I know the unlikelihood of this, but I can pray for anything!

12:02 AM  

Bipolar and the psycopath have very little in common as far as far as antisocial behavior. Be careful you understand the difference.

3:13 AM  

Thank you anonymous for the bi-polar/psychopath distinction. I'll clarify. I mean people who have the BRAIN FUNCTIONING of a psychopath as seen on an MRI. My daughter and husband are both psychopaths. Genetic. My daughter has been misdiagnosed with bi-polar, autism spectrem disorder, anti-social personality etc and all these MISDIAGNOSISES did was keep everyone else running in circles. Today she is a maladjusted person and if they had just done an mri when she was in her late teens, she may have at least had a chance to learn correct behavior. She will always only be a psychopath but the rest of us could have refrained from allowing ourselves to be raped and pretending that she could feel love, empathy etc. Nobody helps anyone by pretending that psychopathy isn't real. NOBODY IS BEING HELPED!

I so badly wanted to believe that working, giving, loving, and listening could fix my child. This is all while I am being blamed for her behavior. She always blamed me as did the therapists and I would so try to figure out what I had done. (This is very common by the way as it is so much easier to blame someone who will accept the blame rather than placing it on one who never will.) See, I will absoluetly rape myself down, search every nook and cranny of my soul, take responsibility for every one of my flaws. AND ALL THIS DOES IS KEEP US FROM LOOKING AT THE REAL PROBLEM! Which is that some people are BORN with the brain functioning of a psychopath! I want the chance to go back in time and KNOW this information! But guess what?! I CAN'T! So instead, I will tell all who will listen that some people ARE BORN with the brain functioning of a psychopath and raping everyone around them instead of just saying that they are this way only destroys those of us who CAN care and with correct information, can possibly help or prevent this. Please just give me the chance to go back in time and I will be more than happy to jump on your bandwagon and berate all who know this information. Tell them to BE SOOOOOO CAREFUL not to mislabel others, when all day long they will accuse me. Please, let me have the chance to undo this and I will!

9:15 PM  

My mother was a narcissist, she would verbally abuse me or beat me and burn me and look at me and say "you deserved this" I especially made her mad when I was vulnerable. I never saw my mother cry until the day they told her she was going to die. I knew from a young age that my mother was mentally ill, she never acted like anyone else I had ever met. She was beautiful woman dark hair and big brown eyes but on the inside it was dark empty and chillingly silent. Over the years I had limited my contact with her to ensure my well being and my kids( talk with her on the phone for 15 minutes every 6 months)this allowed me to protect myself and my children. She died last year and I spent the last days with her. She had no one else but us children and my father..that is another story. Narcissism to me is like a cancer, it destroys everything.

9:30 AM  

sounds like politics.

9:38 PM  

i have a brother who is 18 now but his behaviour still buffles everyone around him..as akid he used to throw tantrums and when angry he would throw anything at you including a flat iron that he once threw at my other bro during an urgument..now he is older but we are always settlineg cases at school...when u see him, Hez the most humble and calmest of all my five brothers en he can tell u something jokingly and in a few days u hear that he actually did it..he has been arrested for counterfeit money..and buying stolen phones and was recently suspended from school for taking strangers into staff quarters despite the various warnings from the school director...he has a poor anger management scheme...i did psychology and i want to help him but donot know where to start from...some times i think that may be its adolescence but he is now 18...help..anonymous

4:40 AM  

I believe I know a psychopath. When you first meet her, she is your new best friend. The baffling thing is that this behaviour is not remotely annoying and seems totally genuinely. You will believe that you have everything in common, that she is the nicest, most charming person you have ever met. Moreover, the fact that she is the same way with everyone will only convince you that she is an open, generous and charismatic individual.

She is friends with EVERYONE - a comedian performing at the Fringe, an artist currently exhibiting at the local gallery, a badminton player at the Olympics, an actress in the low-budget film being advertised on the side of a bus that passes by (all the above are completely true, and 3 out of 4 of those 'friendships' were revealed in the matter of a week.

And then... you start to notice a certain coldness that at first you mistake for tiredness (even the most social people run out of steam, right?) - you start to feel a little like you're tagging along, and you start to identify with those people she has labelled 'needy' or 'clingy'.

You notice that she never says thanks when her boyfriend's parents treat her to expensiive meals, or for birthday and Christmas presents.

The injured animal you happen upon is a matter for entertainment - she takes a picture and then shrugs and walks off.

She sees an expensive musical instrument (one she's never played before) in the window of a pawn shop and decides she wants it. Her boyfriend buys it for her.

Her happy-go-lucky boyfriend starts to fall out with long-terms friends for no specific reason. He starts displaying uncharacteristic selfishness. You realise that you must either avoid the pair of them or risk losing his friendship. And you realise that few people who has met her will ever believe you.

6:34 AM  

I don't know if my boyfriend is a narcissist or psychopath he woke up this morning accusing me of hiding something, he treats me like a child, I'm afraid oud relationship is voinv to become violent

6:26 AM  

I met him and knew he was not all there, but couldn't stop. He lied all the time often for no reason. He hacked my computer and phone and sent out private information to all the males I knew.

1:12 AM  

Hi I was mis diagnosed as a Borderline for many 20 years. I have been seeing therapist for a year now. She fully believes i have been misdiagnosed. PTSD. I had a mother who blamed me for my incestuous relationship with my step father. I was a child.She has chosen to not have a relationship with since i was thrown out of home.I was married to a man who repeatedly raped and bashed me, afther who bashed me. I gave birth to 4 children who i dont have a relationship and i do agree with genetics and behavioural reinforcement. I have a daughter who is 23 who blames me for her issues.Her repeated suicide verbalisation and attempts. I understand the issues of being worn down, the lies but have to do something when i realise i am lying to myself of a yet another attempt to true to help them. I have worked out there is way on earth or heaven they are wanting help. They moved on to another to feed off when your exhausted as you have nothing left to give. Then return, its like they know you are rejuvenated, then strike again. I call them blood sucking vampires. I have chosen to close the door on them. They will try to make themselves the victim,you feel sorry for them able to help due to energy levels being up. So i make a promise to myself. To not go back,listen to the myriad of lies,I am believing this the way currently to handle my issues. I suppose ive simply been through enough vampires as im tired from them. Sometimes I want to run from the world as i feel like im surrounded by them but that doesnt solve the prob,rest up be kind to myself and if you are putting into the frienship be it intimate or not more energy then the other party once they start to show their colours,The ridicules- they do become transparent once you start speaking to the other parties about their relationship, you will find you are not alone with your grief, donot expect to alignment,friendship as they are in the throngs of their own relationship with the saqme person but you get the opportunity to understand your sane but the behaviour is insane,including your own which is going back for another round with the vampire in which no garlic,crosses of jesus, golden bullets and stakes are not weapons. The weapon is clear disassociation and not entering into conversations regarding them

Love to all and me

10:35 AM  

I have just realised that my mother is a psychopath after years of denial. She married a known sex offender despite the fact that she had a five year old daughter (me). When I finally told her that her husband had raped me, all she could say was "why didn't you tell me at the divorce settlement so we could have gotten more money out of him?"
She showed no concern whatsoever for me. As a small child she would tie me up for hours and have me beg her to be released. She would bash me for the slightest mistake-leaving a book or clothes on my bed.
She talked me into buying her a house which she said she would help me pay but never did. I am 31 and she says I owe her. I don't feel like I have a right to my own life-my own family, money, career, or dreams.
I feel like I don't really exist.
Please tell me if you think I am right. Is my mother a psychopath? And what should I do to find myself? I don't feel like I am a real person sometimes.

6:29 PM  

Why can't people just be bad people?

Why do we need to complicate things by calling people psychopaths?

A person with no opinion on right and wrong would either stay totally still wondering what to do until they die or run around doing everything completely random.

A person who has any kind of wants, any kind of goals has a concept of right and wrong. They have an opinion about what they want the world to be like (the world in this case is meant to include the person).

"Right" and "Wrong" are not scientific concepts they are opinions about how people would like the world (including themselves) to be, which is subjective. A person may have different ideas about what is right or wrong. Of course if in following that the person harms others we as a society have absolutely NO obligation to defer to the fact that the person is following some sort of "right and wrong" and may met out punishment (or if not called for then distance ourselves) as appopriate.

Science may be helpful in identifying that this or that gene correlates with this or that personality trait or behavior or in seeing correlating brain chemical patterns. But what ever it shows it can't show they lack "right and wrong" because by definition they consider what they do and what they plan and pursue to be right and what ever frustrates that is wrong. If anything the evidence suggests that being highly driven to get what you desire may be in part genetic. With the right upbringing the person will have plenty of positive outlets for their drive and will not behave as (and so essentially they would not be) psychopaths.

8:08 PM  

It took me a long, long time to realize that my family were all narcissitic abusers. I constantly thought something was wrong with me, had low self esteem, until I became educated and it became clear to me. I sought psychiatric treatment and was advised by the psychiatrist to stay away from them, that they were dangerous human beings. Worst of all has been the fact that I had to accept my daughter is sick as well I kept blaming myself for her horrific behavior, but at 38 she recently shared information with me that made me realize she was abnormal at 3 years old. Very sad for me, and I see it in my grandaughter now. However, I understand it now and there is relief in just accepting that they are different and thankfully I am not like them. They twisted the truth about my husband and myself, sought out our friends and destroyed our relationships, and blamed us for everything. Our adult daughter now seems to 'fit in' with them, so I have closed the door on her after years of grieving a daughter who did not exist. The sooner you get them out of your life, the sooner you will find peace.

10:30 PM  

I deal with the same thing...anything can set my brother off and up to this day if I say something he does not like or agree with he gets verbally and physically abusive. You have to agree with him and he feels he is superior to any race. He has beat me up quite a few times and recently threatened to again. I strongly feel he is a psychopath based on this article.

2:16 PM  

my brother does not have any remorse for his actions. He tells everyone that they get what they deserve and only when he feels offended should someone empathoze with him.He has physically assaulted me several times and as we got older it worsened. I am living with a psychopath. What should I do?. No one belives he is a psychopath and in my family it is normal to be abused and not report it. He has never said sorry to me for any act. He only says you deserve it. Only when he needs help he is nice to everyone and even then if you do not do what he says he breaks things and when he drives he goes out of control...he speeds to the point where we almost get into a near death accident. He has to have things his way and finds any reason to be abusive or punch holes in the wall..please help...any advice would be of great help. I have not reported him as of yet bc of my parents.

2:23 PM  

I have psychopaths in my world and have done for many years. The x who still trys to worm his way into my life and I have taught him that he can. Been through a tough journey and last communication I said o.k you can come back WHEN you get the help needed. I have the whole story of many and a couple near death experiences. I also made it clear that if he comes back again to come after me and "get me" I will certainly put him in the nut house. Just a phone call to the right people and they will come get him. He is to crafty for authority or police and once I explain his behavior to mental health Im sure they will lock him up. Im tired of this battle been years. Its my life and I am ready to fight for it. I have a family member also who is extremely controlling. Having to deal with both has been a breaking re-building nightmare. Im going to make it, starting a new business and really strong with the x but my family member is still proving to be a hurtful struggle. I am just so curious still, Im becoming stronger and im happy BUT what happens to them? Do we walk on without a second thought ever again? (and is that becoming them? just shut of feeling as if it never existed?) I am finding that my new found strength actually shuts them down and brings on some type of breakdown. or is that a act??? What do we do with them? Just leave for them to do the same to someone else? How can I let THAT happen? how does the "at least it aint me" line go down there? What a situation at large! May god and good prevail. Much love and peace to all.

8:21 AM  

i have a friend of mine who is abused sexually by her husband. he seems fine and he is very much nice most of the times.but my friend told me that he tortures her a lot from the past few months.he used to cut her private parts and put chilli powder inside them.what should i do to help her.plz suggest

3:04 PM  

Take her to a women's shelter or help her hide somewhere safe and have her get a rape physical and document all that has happened, police, victims advocate..AND DONT WAIT, DO IT NOW

3:56 AM  

I was the son of a severely narcissistic mom. I had ADHD or was that PTSD I was in. She runined me, beating, emotional. My Dad told me once "I can have you taken away a placed in the state hospital. You will never have a family, nobody will see you, they will lock you up in a filling my shoes. I never dated (too messed up I thought)I am codependent no doubt. But having that with you from minute one. I do not know how to find a girlfriend, all the ones I pick are like my mom. So I will just always be by myself. Or being ripped off by crack girls until I find the real score. I am super nice, polite, generous, attractive. But alone. Stuff with mom does not go away, too young to defend against it, shapes your still plastic brain and how can you ever turn it off when you keep reinforcing it by bad choices. I would just like to love and be loved before I die. I am 50 but feel dead

12:13 AM  

It took many years to realise my ex was a psychopath. I didn't know anything about it - never came across it before, but when I investigated he ticked every box!!!
I am finally away from him (just got to get him out of my head!) But my biggest fear is that it is hereditary and my son will be the same. Can anyone help?

9:53 AM  

Me too

8:05 PM  

The first time I saw anything on this topic was a Scott Peck book: People of the Lie ABOUT 1985. Then there was nothing more until recently. No matter how many times I went out to seek counseling, groups, anything no one seemed to know how to address or ID this character. Suddenly, we are seeing dozens of web pages but still nothing in real time,this world outside of the internet. I read everyones comments and I could deeply feel the trauma in every word written here. I stopped and went back to the one calling them monsters. They said, they didn't want to have children for feat they too would be a monster. I am enduring a second husband like this who is home 24/7 now, an introvert narcissistic psychopath and yes, his entire family, parents and 14 brothers and sisters are all like this,the ones who are not are in therapy and simple can not find the right help to identify their cruel childhood. Words like Monster, beast, animal, come out of my mouth now because there is nothing I can do to combat his abuse, his raging, his isolation his continual destruction of our family, our home, myself. I have a sick headache just dealing with this, and there are no friends, no one to speak to about this. I wanted to start a talkshoe call twice a week for victims to vent and get validation, possibly some ideas on escaping. Whoever began this one, thanks, its great I see the top post was in Feb 2014 so you need to update it. I hope you all come back and share more. While I am writing this, my NP abuser is in his own room ranting and raging. It goes on every day. This needs to be presented to the court system, and new support groups and financial escape for people who have to tolerate this behavior because it does not fix into the catagories that can get you help. No one sees this as Mental illness, at least to force they out or into some therapy, it is not considered DV, so where does this fit ? Perhaps we need to explore this. For now, I watch Thomas Sheridans videos, Sam Valkin, Tim Fields, bullies. But it would be nice to hear a human voice who understands what we are going through. Thanks Again host for making this web. Elizabeth

7:02 PM  

I absolutely believe from personal experience that psychopathy is biological. My father and brother are psychopaths. My nephew was not raised by/nor knew them until he was 17. then they "reunited." He is just as awful, argumentative, demeaning and cruel as my brother/father. The three of them have used their "white collar charm" to cheat people out of hundreds of thousands of dollars while believing themselves to be the next best thing to "God." Yet, they all hate each other. However, I moved 2K miles away from my biological family. I raised four children on my own. I divorced the psychopathic man I was married to. I made sure I protected my children from negativity and they did not visit with my father/brother/nephew. They are loving, mature, kind and highly successful males with loving relationships. So is it genetic? I do believe so. But how much is environmental? I say nurturing is huge. So far so good. I wish there were formal studies conducted - genetic vs. environmental. But I suppose the variables are huge. Basically, if you figure out someone has psychopathic characteristics - RUN. Fast.

12:09 AM  

Psycopath mothers take pride in their children's failure because like you said, they want control... afterwards they go into depression when their kids become successful. They blame their children for their hate and sadness.

I myself am a psychopath like my mother and I'm able to see and read her perfectly... she is like I once was.... not all psychopaths learn who they really are, those who do control their emotions to the point they become empty vessels but not dangerous to society anymore.

2:57 PM  

Both my mother and I are psychopaths.... you described my mother the same way... they take pride in their children's failures because it means they are succeeding in keeping control.. I myself have manipulated people... my ex wife, my siblings, and my parents.. except my mother..

people like us love control and power... but not all of us stay the same forever...
as young boy I used to burn acres of dried grass for my own pleasure, I have murdered animals like cats and dogs for pleasure as well...
we also have "super powers" as psychologist like to call it.... to be able to read and identify strong vs weak people, and super intelligence, this gives us advantage to be able to know who to control. The people I manipulated were women , girlfriends and my ex wife.

if you can identify yourself with this, you are a psychopath.

but not all psychopaths are bad, I learned to control the only emotions I feel which are sadness, depression, pride, anger, severe stress, anxiety and anger.. I also have learned I will never feel happyness or love.. it cant be helped, I have now turned into and empty vessel with no emotions whatsoever.. ever since I learned to control my thoughts and emotions, I now look like a humble gentleman, a functioning human being.. on the inside I still and will always be the same..

3:42 PM  

I know how you feel.. I have been the same way... my mother is a psychopath... I too am a psychopath.. ive been married, ive had lots of partners... all for sexual pleasure and manipulation... I will never understand love or happyness... I have dealt with this already.. all the girls I have been with are like my mother as well... that was my routine.. manipulate women who are like my mother...
Let me give you advice... find something that can remind you life is great and you can learn to be human again.

that special something for me is cats and dogs.
In fact I used to kill cats and dogs as a young boy, now I take care of them and pretend I can actually love something which also makes me believe I will one day feel happy.... but that is just my hope, i'm still cold and emotionless... but I hope I do change one day.

4:06 PM  

Hi, that is so sad to hear darling . I got in to a relationship with a man who was sadistic, he would choke me and say sorry i felt bad for him cause he told me once at church he was involved in an incident with a pastor when he was a child. I let a lot slide because of this. After 3 years i mustered up the courage to break all contact, tho on fb fewdays ago i got a msg 'how r you' ..,.. i had to really look at my life after him... look at my stsndards... he was messed up but i was messed up because i was with him... i felt for him. Thats not normal... i wanted to know why. My patents used to always fight, it was violent, my mom woukd always tell me how my dad beat her. I wud cone home from school there would be broken dishes scatters across the floor and in the wall. I had flashbacks up till last year of my mom screaming wailing. It haunted me. Till i researched all the things that brought pain to me and found thst the common denominator was "sociopath bipolar" finaly today i just looked up "psychopath" ... my mother is a psychopath. That is why i have attracted them ib my outside life... because i gave that unconditionsl love meant for a mothrr to her n to him. I dreames about comitting suicide. But i read, about everyone in the comnents and i dobt feel so alone, i alsi am working on becoming more emotionaly inteligent and watching my behavipur, i used to be s thrill seeker, now im alone hone cuz i needed to escape and lost contact with my friends quit my job and left college becausr i was overwhelmed. My other siblibgs refuse to accept thst our mom is mentally ill. Or refuse to accept that she is dangerous. I see her lure them in and bite them when they shine. So im tryibg now to be boring so she leaves me alone, she stacks me daily every time for a different thing. She used to tell me when i was a kid no u cant go plat ur hsving too much fun. Stuff like that makes it clear. I want to cut all contact but i dont want my siblings to suffer. Also my mom told my dad i need theraphy, when she needs therapy omg. Its insane. Anyway i want to be positive! Im gonna get through this!

8:12 AM  

What I think is interesting about some of the comments above is that some of the people claiming to be surrounded by psychopaths and narcissist actually prove they, themselves, are actually exactly that, just by what they write. Such as 'it's so sad for me', instead of feeling empathy. Meanwhile people who claim to be psychopaths, (maybe do feel empty or unhappy) write about have feelings and thoughts that psychopaths are incapable of having.

2:59 AM  

I believe educating children and adults about human nature and all variables will bring greater awareness and ways to cope with such people.

4:28 AM  

A fine article though I do wish to clarify the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath. This article confuses the two (as many do) when there is actually a cognitive distinction between them.

Functional NMRI brain-scanning of identified psychopaths shows a clear lack of neural activity in regions of the brain associated with empathy. A lack of "mirroring" in regions of the brain such as the somatosensory cortex or the right amygdala in response to external visual cues. In plain English, psychopaths are biologically incapable of expressing a normal level of empathy (by default).

It's a little more complex though, because it has also been shown that these very same regions of the brain can light up in a psychopath on demand. A psychopath is actually quite capable of empathy, it's just that it is not the default response, they have to choose it. In a normal brain, the empathic response is entirely automatic.

People often simplify this to a statement such as "psychopaths are incapable of empathy". That's not quite correct, but as a soundbite that gets the message across, it's close enough. Psychopathy is an empathy disorder.

Psychopaths are not automatically criminals, nor do they necessarily have a tendency towards criminal acts. I have seen in my time many functional psychopaths who are absolute sticklers for the rules / law. However, in situations where the rules are not clear and a normal brain would fall back on an empathy-derived ethical framework to decide a correct course of action, the psychopath is essentially a rudderless ship and this may lead to bizarre or harmful outcomes.

Given an appropriate development environment, a psychopathic child can be shaped into a functional adult and this is usually the case. Where a development environment is negligent or worse, abusive, or there are additional sociopathic factors in play then the outcomes are likely to be bad news.

Sociopaths are different. The sociopathic empathy response is entirely normal and a sociopathic individual is perfectly able to comprehend the emotional impact of their actions upon their victims. The sociopath feels the pain s/he inflicts upon others but here is the key distinction, the sociopath simply does not care. Sociopathy is a condition caused by a lack of impulse regulation. Where a normal person would pull themselves up short and dampen a mental response before it becomes physical due to concerns about the impact, a sociopath just says "to hell with it" and does it anyway.

By definition, criminal acts are sociopathic acts. All criminals are sociopaths but not all sociopaths are criminals (yet). Many are the loveable rogues, individuals with plenty of empathy who love to break the rules (watch for a love of rule-breaking behaviour, the mavericks, the cowboys, the show-ponies, etc, here you will find many sociopaths).

Such traits often show up in CEOs and other leadership positions, where sociopaths are over-represented as a % of the population. These people are often creative and innovative, yet they walk the line between productive and destructive.

You certainly do not want to be in a relationship with such a person as you will be whipped about like paper in the wind, enjoying the pleasure of their normal empathic behaviour one moment, then discarded, used and abused at their whim the next. Quite different to a psychopath who will never really be able to connect emotionally, period. (Neither makes a good relationship).

The downstream impacts of sociopathic and psychopathic behaviour are often very similar, leaving a trail of victims in the wake, hence the two tend to be confused.

When an individual has the double whammy of retarded empathy triggers and failed impulse control, combined with a negligent or a downright abusive upbringing then watch out world. Stay well clear of such people and their blast radius.

3:46 AM  

You poor thing. I have suffered since a teen with such a character. Wish he would take a running jump off a cliff... I saw it in him quite early on but seems to have made him harder to shake off. It is really stressful

11:07 PM  

Have you tried NSPCC? That is not acceptable behaviour. ... good luck

11:16 PM  

great Thread. Thanks and blessings to to site, to original post, and all comments. I'm a therapist and survivor/thriver of what I call Chronic Covert Trauma, all these subtle things that don't involve obvious physical injuries and in fact happen with people and in situations outsides think are great. Even think we are Lucky to be in. I'm trying to do a website and blog and have so much internal invalidation I only post about once a year. Sigh. Great to have an affinity group. Validation is the first step. The trauma is real even if it is boring and doesn't count to other people, including therapists. We must honor our core inner experience.

10:16 AM  

And it is not "red haired" people who have "no souls"( thanks for NOTHING South Park! ), it's PSYCHOPATHS!!!

11:42 PM  

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