Sanctuary for the Abused

Saturday, April 23, 2016

When Enough is Enough

By Lanie Pambid

Would you believe that love can be gone in a blink of an eye? Based on facts that I am going to share with you is that it CAN happen. A couple who has been together for a few years would just one day wake up and realize that they no longer love their partner. It’s like, she slept tonight, and the next morning she doesn’t feel anything for her partner anymore.

Why is this so? Of course, we need to know what caused these kinds of things to happen. But, what we are going to state here are just observations from different relationships of people.

First, there might be a possibility that a couple of more than seven years and hasn’t married yet CAN be TIRED of one another. In the case of the woman, she must have expected to be married at that time but the man hasn’t asked her yet, so there is the tendency to think that they won’t ever be married at all, so instead of waiting longer years the woman finally decides of leaving the man for someone who will marry her sooner. Or it can also be that either person could be tired of doing the same things as what we call routine. If things go by this way there is a larger possibility that they would think of their married life to be as boring as that of their existing relationship. So, they decide to leave each other, in hopes of finding someone who would really make them happy again.

Another reason could be the person’s attitude towards the partner. The situation I am going to give you mostly happens with some couples. This couple has been with each other for more than five years. Their friends see them as a happy couple whenever they’re together. But little did they know was that behind the happy and cheerful couple they see during parties it wasn’t so. The man is a perfectionist and the woman is timid. Every single day of her life, the man kept on discouraging her, telling her bad things, making her feel bad about herself from head to toe (physically and emotionally). Not just with her job, but even the friends she have, the clothes she wears, the never-ending badmouth of this man made the woman feel like she was the ugliest person on earth. Until one day, the man left her. She cried at first but realized that she was actually free from the chains of a very abusive person who made her life miserable most of the time. Instead of harvesting beautiful memories that they both shared, the one remembered were the ugly ones. In a span of a few months, she found someone who uplifted her spirits and made her into a new and beautiful person inside out.

The man tried to win back the woman but he failed. Now, you see in this kind of relationship, there is no growth. This is a very UNHEALTHY relationship, wherein negativity rung around it. One abusive word should have been stopped if the woman stood up for herself instead of accepting every single bad word she hears from the man. Every individual should always remember that “No one should put you down.” Put a stop to it, what seems to be wrong in this relationship was that the woman kept on accepting and keeping quiet and never even tried to tell what she really feels. Or we could also assume that the woman tries to tell the man, but it so happened that the man is stronger than the woman and sort of over powers her or doesn’t listen to whatever she says. If your boyfriend is like this for years and years you better leave him. He is just one selfish schmuck who thinks only of himself. Relationships like this should be done. Don’t wait for a couple of years before getting out of it. Think now! Do you want a life like this?

In relation to the example given about abusive words, we will also include physical abuse. If a man hits you and says he’s sorry after and then you forgive him, that’s a big no no! Because once you accepted the first sorry, you’ll always accept the hits and blows and whatever physical injury you might have. At the first time this happens, report it to the police. If in case the man always pulls you or grabs you by the shoulder and it leaves a bruise that is already physical abuse. Don’t ever let anyone hurt you. If a man truly loves a woman he would never hurt you, but will always be patient. That is why some women leave their partners too. Some of them endure the years of being beaten up by their partners and when they’ve had enough, that’s just the time they leave them. Others who hasn’t had enough even die because of the beatings they get from their husbands. Women, do you like this to happen to you?

This next case is quite different. This couple is totally happy. Even their friends would say that they really are a great couple when they’re together. Always having fun and always complementing each other. Then one day, the man just leaves the woman without a valid reason. Now, how would you react to that? If you were the woman, what would you think? Let’s say for example, the woman is very understanding, always cares for the man, and all the good things this woman could offer. I could say that maybe the man has a problem that he has kept for a long time, that he didn’t tell the woman. Most men has problems opening up to the person they love or sometimes to people who are really close to them. Unlike women, they can easily share their problems to their friends, thus letting the emotions out of them, unlike men. In cases like these, don’t give up on your man. Try to clear things out with him so that you won’t be left open-mouthed when this kind of thing happens to you. If he doesn’t want to talk about it maybe he needs space or time to think of his problems on his own and maybe he wants to solve it. Give it a week or two for your man to come back and apologize. But if in case he never calls you anymore and has vanished into thin air, accept the fact that he has already left you because he’s ready to go into some kind of Looney bin. Although, you have to make sure that there is no third party involved because if there is another woman involved that’s a case closed, find another man who is not a womanizer!

Women apparently are patient in nature. They tend to make sacrifices and try to be patient with their partner. They keep on trying to continue the relationship until they have had enough. Oftentimes, some of them become martyrs wherein it already takes them a couple of years before they realize that it is enough. If you are in a situation like these examples given, think for yourself. Is that a healthy relationship you are in? Did you try everything you can before you quit the relationship?

Women should know when to stop and when to try to make things right. You choose you own life and you make your own destiny. Learn to fight and be strong because only you can help yourself.

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shared by Barbara at 12:24 AM


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8 Comments:

Oh my, that was me in there...in there between the lines of what you wrote.
That was me 21 years ago. A shy, insecure 20-something-year-old woman, told almost daily how incompetent, stupid, ugly and learn-impaired she was.
My floor was made out of eggshells and no matter how lightly I tread, I could never keep them from breaking, I could never keep the peace. I tried, I really did, and finally I realized how hopeless it was.
Then he left last year and this now 40-something-year-old woman is finding happiness and has swept away the eggshells from her floor.

9:19 PM  

This post struck a chord with me. For the past 18 years I endured emotional and verbal abuse. I didn't even realize until the past year that his verbal rages and tyrades were abuse. I used to think that because I wasn't Betty Crocker in terms of being a wife and mother that on some level I deserved his criticisms. It's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I now know that what he did was in fact abuse.
I have set a boundary and on Palm Sunday I asked him to leave. He didn't and for right now I am still in the house and still in the relationship.

My husband claims to have seen the light now and for the past 8 weeks or so he has not had an episode. But...I'm just tired. Although he seems to be really trying (we are in counseling against my better judgment) inside I don't really want to work on it anymore. It's like "I'm done." I think there has just been too much water over the dam.

4:21 PM  

This post struck a chord with me. For the past 18 years I endured emotional and verbal abuse. I didn't even realize until the past year that his verbal rages and tyrades were abuse. I used to think that because I wasn't Betty Crocker in terms of being a wife and mother that on some level I deserved his criticisms. It's like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I now know that what he did was in fact abuse.
I have set a boundary and on Palm Sunday I asked him to leave. He didn't and for right now I am still in the house and still in the relationship.

My husband claims to have seen the light now and for the past 8 weeks or so he has not had an episode. But...I'm just tired. Although he seems to be really trying (we are in counseling against my better judgment) inside I don't really want to work on it anymore. It's like "I'm done." I think there has just been too much water over the dam.

4:21 PM  

For those of us who consistantly read this website we, know that abuse is not always obvious. From the article: "One abusive word should have been stopped if the woman stood up for herself instead of accepting every single bad word she hears from the man. Every individual should always remember that “No one should put you down.” Put a stop to it, what seems to be wrong in this relationship was that the woman kept on accepting and keeping quiet and never even tried to tell what she really feels." Wow, nothing like blaming the victim.

For many of us who were raised in abusive homes where sarcastic humor and put-downs are supposed to be "funny" we may be unaware what abuse looks like. It's another of the many things I've learned from this website. Personal boundaries have been violated since birth and we are raised to let others not only violate us by inviting them in, but we are taught that we CHOSE to do this--that we somehow WANTED abuse. So much I've learned from this website.

Grooming is the term associated with child molesters and it is accurate, but this is what is done to those of us raised in abusive homes. I have come to see this too, that all these behaviors (grooming, violating other peoples personal boundraies, not giving us ALL our options and then telling us that we ourselves MADE the choices we made of our own volition, and on and on) are inherent behaviors for one who has the brain functioning of a psychopath.

I have seen and heard many speeches on how if we treat people nice, it will fix everything (in so many words). NEVER have I been told that this is not only a LIE but DANGEROUS! We can not hope to help or fix anything without all of our TRUE choices given to us. And one of these choices is simply that some people are born without a conscience. It is SIMPLY the truth and it is verifiable using an mri.

Knowing the things I know now would COMPLETELY change all the major choices I've made in my life. Who I would marry, having children, education, pretty much every decision would have been different. My life, like so many others, was all based on lies. How can we TRULY help each other and how can we TRULY help our children (the next generation)?

6:59 PM  

"Women should know when to stop and when to try to make things right. You choose you own life and you make your own destiny."

Why or when should we know this and based on what? Was having some medical work perfomed due to years of abuse, and the technician was less then sympathetic and was blaming me for my physical condition. I briefly told her that I wasn't aware for many years that my physical problems were actually signs of abuse. She then asked me "was I abused as a teen?" and that's when I realized that many think that now that we are adults, we should KNOW all about abuse and what it looks like. CAN ANYONE SEE HOW RAPED WE ALL ARE?

Reading the book "Take Back Your Life Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships," and there's a story of a woman who was in a cultish relationship. Long story short, because of similar beliefs (like the quote above) of therapists she'd gone to, when she finally ended up getting help, they had to first deal with helping her heal from abusive THERAPISTS.

We are woefully uneducated about evil. WOEFULLY. And I am again wondering how on earth we can help others? How do we reach those that could be helped from love and care and not turn it around as a way to manipulate and abuse others.

9:46 PM  

I also feel that I am done. I almost want him to continue with his mouth just so I can feel better about leaving him. I know he has done enough for me not to need an excuse but I always seem to be rescuing everyone but me.

1:53 PM  

Yes trying to make things right when they are wrong sounds like me! I wanted to tell everyone anonymously what happened to me.I have a brother who abused me so badly.I tried to have the power fixed and the power company fixed the power .The next day he viciously fought with me that he doesn't want it fixed he turned it all the way up again.He burned me.We have a family home and he fought to sell it.We just moved into a beautiful home and he is breaking everything and wants to sell it again.I secretly wish someone stop him .I am a battered women. Enough is enough!

1:57 AM  

To be safe and away from the abuse is all I wish for in life.To be perfect and have someone keep ruining your life is a crime!

1:59 AM  

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