Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, September 24, 2015

The Sexual Relationship with a Narcissist

The sexual relationship with the narcissist is most peculiar. Narcissists are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired to her or him.

Intimacy does not exist and you will frequently feel used. The narcissist will demand that you subdue yourself. Your own sexual preferences will be boycotted or twisted.

Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner and sometimes children. Here is a list of SOME of these abusive behaviors (these are not true in all cases; nor do ALL have to be present for it to be NPD):

* You are prohibited from masturbating or feel good about your own body under the threat of punishment

* You are being made to watch porn although you don't want to

* You are not allowed any sexual gratification yourself

* The narcissist pretends to be sexual (desirous) for you but is after her/ his gratification only

* Your sexual past is being torn apart or made fun of

* You are being told that all you want is sex (although you know this is not the case, however sex is central to the narcissist)

* The narcissist instigates sex (like telling you erotic things and sending you pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides last minute that nothing is to take place; or simply demands abusive sex

* The narcissist abuses you while you are asleep (sleep rape)

* You are being raped (coerced verbally or emotionally - includes "I love you") on a regular basis

* You are feeling humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated

* The narcissist finds it funny when you get hurt and enjoys it when you get hurt, this can be physically or emotionally

* The narcissist instigates and turns everything into a sexual game

* The narcissist demands prolonged sex way above the limit you can handle nor want to

* The narcissist tells you that you want to have sexual relations with everybody -- although the narcissist has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be infidel

* You are being told off for the fact that you were flirting with someone although you are not flirting at all

* The narcissist makes fun of your sexuality in front of others (e.g. you have a small penis or small breasts)

* The narcissist demands sex when you make it clear that you don't want to

* The narcissist has to try out everything possible

* The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will want sex in public and dresses inappropriately at home and or elsewhere

There is another form of sexual abuse with Narcissists (and other Pathologicals). In fact, so I believe, it is the most common one, and hence it took me so long to get it. This form of abuse comes in four stages:

* Firstly, the victim will be forced to reveal her or his sexual preferences and experiences to the perpetrator.

* Secondly, the perpetrator will condition the victim to direct her or his entire sexuality towards the perpetrator. At this stage, the sexual relationship is intense.

* Thirdly, the perpetrator reduces the intensity of the sexual relationship dramatically, so that the victim is in constant sexual need. (Sexual Hyperarousal)

* Fourthly, the perpetrator grants inproper sexual gratification in order to maintain the sexual need of the victim. Now, the victim, who is (sexually) dependent on the perpetrator, can be humiliated, manipulated and used.

Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

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shared by Barbara at 12:06 AM



I am looking forward to the day that memories of all this can pass through my mind without bringing up the desire for justice which I will never get.

8:20 AM  

Why aren't we teaching THIS in sex education classes?

10:28 AM  

Here's the dictionary definition of narcissist from " exceptional interest in or admiration for oneself, esp one's physical appearance 2. Sexual satisfaction derived from contemplation of one's own physical or mental endowments." Re-read the second explaination.

Sam Vaknin, diagnosed narcissist then mri'ed and found to be a psychopath, says that for a narcissist, sex is nothing more than an extended form of masturbation. Oh, what a treat psychopathy is! I get to have my soul raped THEN I get to have sex with a demon who is really just masturbating. Every person's DREAM!

There is NOTHING redeeming about psychopathy. Dr. Hare states this, that it is never worth whatever gift they seem to possess. I've found that I could haved lived without everything I thought I was "gaining" by being with these people. They are nothing but a lie. Air. "Prince of the power of the air." Ephesians 2:2 is one of the descriptions of the devil. John 8:44 "You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire.

Did I mention that I was tired?

8:48 PM  

Barbara, Here again is some info not necessarily to do with this article but pertinent to psychopathy. Aftermath radio dated 20 Feb 2012 had guest speaker Dr. Liane Leedom author of "Just Like His Father? A Guide to Overcoming Your Child’s Genetic Connection to Antisocial Behavior, Addiction and ADHD." She's talking about an accused murderer and con artist but she points out some good stuff. She mentions a free online book you can check out titled "PATHOLOGICAL LYING,
ACCUSATION, AND SWINDLING" by William and Mary Healy that was written in the early 1900's.

Also, there's a point in the broadcast where she says this:(44 mins in or so) "If a person consents to marriage and sexual relations with someone under a false pretense that's this egregious, that the person that you think you're with doesn't even exist,...that is not even remotely who they say they are, is that a form of rape?" She went on to say that she thought it was (a form of rape). She isn't featured until 22 min in so you may want to fast forward.

All this running around trying to prove one is a psychopath. Dudes, Mri's totally show one is a psychopath! Get there faster people!

12:04 AM  

I was married to someone who I found out was nothing short of evil. this 'thing', not a person at all, would sleep rape me, force me to have sex with his brother,and prostitutes and complete strangers also. I at one time actually thought, If i could please him, that all would get never did, it only got much, much worse.The straw that broke the camels back, was a rape that happened while in the same room as my son lay sleeping, only feet from me and 'thing'.I had left him before. each time, i would hate myself when i would go back to him and he would start up all over again. i would regret going back to him so much. then, that happened and i prayed to my Lord to give me the strenghth i needed to leave safetly and not to ever, ever come back to him again. my prayers was answered the next day, i was able to leave without getting too hurt, still i was away from him and i was going to depend on myself and the Lord to get me through this ordeal..and so far, so good. that was in 2001, haven't been back in such a situation like that again. i have learned many valuable lessons inlife. Some of them was a hard lesson to learn, some not so hard. this lesson, to stay away from him forever, was the best decision i have ever made, besides asking God to help me out of that bondage i was in.

12:26 AM  

I hate it. He makes me hate him and want him and choose him. and only his way is right. he gets mad when i dont want it after he gave me PID... i never get to orgasim so what is the point? and then he makes ME feel guilty... He tells me "you better take care of your wifely duties or im gonna have to get some on the side." I have wanted out but we have kids together... anyone out there know what i mean?

9:58 PM  

I know that person, the one who demands constant sex, makes fun of others, takes away sex, wants sex to last forever, wants sex in public places and so much more humiliating crap. The non-relationship with a person like that leaves deep scars. The perverted, sexually demanding narcissist is a monster.

11:21 AM  

I can relate to this article. When I first got together with my ex, our sex life was I'd ever had, seriously...well, so after the initial 3 months of nice behavior, he began showing his true colors...abusive, etc...well, to make a long story short, then he would cut the intimate stuff way down....he seemed to think getting me aroused was ok and then turn me down, then accuse me of just wanting sex all the time like this article says. Well, he actually was the one who wanted sex all the time, but for some reason he would use it against got so bad to the point I didn't even feel comfortable just being affectionate and being myself, felt stifled like wanting affection was even wrong. I have not seen him for months now, but I even clearly remember the very last time I tried to kiss him, he didn't even want to, not even a low is that? just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes....yes. I am seriously thinking he really is a narcissistic sociopath....the more I read about them, and compare him, it is becoming clear...especially after reading this article. Oh, btw, he even tried to get me to do porn, I was like "no, what kind of woman to you think I am"? He was always coming up with bizarre just because I talked to so and so I want sex with him, etc...just weird stuff, stuff not true at all. He seemed to always get a kick out of insulting me like that.

11:45 PM  

Married 20 years to this kind of bitch, yes, females can be NPD and then can do a lot of harm as well. Don't find any excuse not to...leave immediately and survive.

7:27 AM  

Im in a different stage of this relationship. Yes he humiliates me. Absolutely no intimacy (cant even hold his hand) Withholds sex for months until I broke up with him & I began talking with someone else. Then it was just a competition for him. That he could be so much better sexually. Even though I wasn't having sex with the other person yet. The problem is that (I'm ashamed to admit it) I still love him & he knows this. I don't know why I punish myself. How much more am I going to let him do to me before its enough? Is it common for these people, if its a guy (I wont call him a man) to only have female friends? And of course hes slept with them all. Other men seem to be a threat to his ego. Is this a common denominator?

11:42 AM  

I'm just figuring out that this is what I married. Upon meeting my family that I was taken from at four I met my narsiccist uncle who I stayed with and was taken advantage of by as a toddler. now I understand my addiction to sexual bondage. I never really loved him I know now we fed each others one true love who I was not ready for actually cared when I was hurt in an husband who was supposed to clean the wound dug into it.when the man I should've been with showed concern I did not know how to react and ran away literally left him standing there.

10:21 AM  

Was in a 2 year relationship with a woman who did everything mentioned in the bulleted blue text and many other terrible things. Left her a year ago and still can't have good sexual relations with other women. I don't know if these people are evil, but i do know they are broken and as such completely parasitic. Leave. Leave now and understand that you will be in for a long recovery, but it's worth it.

3:35 PM  

I'm not quite sure what my husband is - sociopathic tendencies, anti-social, or what. He was a quiet "nice" guy when we met and dated. 1 year later we were married (me 18 years old and him 21). I quickly found out that he had a huge porn collection of magazines and videos. :-/ Porn itself isn't a problem but in the hundreds? Um, that's a problem.
Within 3 or 4 years, he started talking about wanting to watch me have sex with another man. Never happened.
Fast forward, the porn problem has been ongoing. Found out he'd been going to adult bookstores and masturbating in the booths. Would buy magazines, masturbate, then throw them away. We had 2 kids and 5 years later he tells me that he'd stayed at work about an hour every night to cruise porn. :-/ During this time, he just ignored us all (including our young kids).

He has developed E.D., our sex life has become non-exsistent, he still has a porn problem and now his "fetishes" are cheating porn, voyeaur, and "forced" scenes. Tried to role-play the forced stuff, and he was way too rough. This was after a sex drought of 8 - 9 months. I've tried talking to him. Forget it. He just says that these are the things he is "in to". He also became obsessed with my old sexual history during this time (which is now over 20 years ago!).
He has accused me of cheating on him for the past 15 years. I mean he is *completely convinced*! WTH is wrong with this guy? I don't know who he even is any more. He has a prescription for Cialis. Won't fill it because it is too expensive although it does work (he used the samples the doctor gave him).
He doesn't come to bed until 4 or 5 AM. Intimate life has become extremely minimal (months go by). Talking to him doesn't help. He gets very anxious about it. He says that he wants "dirty, hardcore sex", suggests that our sex time isn't exciting enough. Kinda odd since he won't get anywhere near sex with me, no matter what I offer.
I'm at a loss and am now taking an anti-depressant because I've just had it with him. No verbal or physical abuse at all but something is certainly wrong. Any clue what is going on here?

5:15 PM  

First let me say, if you want to be with a narcissist. Give emotion to start off with, the second she has you reeled in and she changes is also the second you stop giving emotion.

Yes, sexual limits are crazy. 1.5 hours is considered okay by her. But longer is better.
15 minutes is me pleasuring myself, and use to lead to endless accusations of selfishness.
There was a point when I timed it. She would always say it was too short, so I wanted to know how bad in bed I was. Turns out, at that point 1.5 hours was the norm not including foreplay - with me doing the work the entire time. I often broke 2 hours, none stop.
This was a ten year relationship, it took me a while to learn to stop showing emotion. The relationship still exists on some level, but mainly because she can't understand the control I have resisting the game. I know this, and that bothers her.

She did also like sex in public, but that's been covered rather well. She would also use sexual encounters with her ex as fodder against me. As instance, when she wanted sex in public it had to be anywhere but in the woods. At least every week during the relationship she would drop lines that let me know her and her ex use to have sex in the woods all the time and she loved it.

Maybe I am not great in bed (who knows). But as far as she is concerned I don't care. And maybe just as important, I really don't care anymore. Do all the things she enjoys and when your finished, hop out of bed and ask her "what do you want from McDonalds". Because at that point, I want McDonalds. My wants have nothing to do with her - including my sexual wants, and that's a very important aspect to this - almost as important as no emotion.
You just beat her at her own game, that wont stand (granted you will never really win).

She will now turn back on the charm. The charm she had at the start of the relationship. The charm she used to make you her supply.

Apply this to every aspect of the relationship. Give her massages when she gets home, simply because you want her to be happy - it's about what you want (yes, a fine line). When she turns around to see your adoring look as you take care of your better, you already have no emotion. Star blankly back at her and ask "Do you want McDonalds? I want some fries". Then get up and get your going out clothes on. During this period, don't even glance at her - your involved in your own things. You wanted to give her a massage and now you want McDonalds - none of it had to do with her control. She will clearly know at this point, she hasn't won anything.

You wont ever truly win, but if done right - you can keep the game going indefinitely and she will be playing the entire time. Remember, they set the rules - your just playing by them. Don't feel bad and don't slip, a single slip is an opening for her to leave happily and as the victor. She will move onto the next conquest if you slip.

(I realize men do this as well, just use she as that is my experience)

8:05 PM  

I thought I was the only one who experienced the sleep rape. this only confirms my suspicions he's NPD

9:07 PM  

I have been filmed and photographed while sleeping. We were together 18 years. It started as innocent love then he quickly perverted our sexual relationship with porn and making me do things I was not comfortable with.

I was 16 when we began dating. I had a rough childhood while he grew up in a beaver cleaver household. I felt obligated to him for saving me.

He eventually took it too far. He drugged me, sodomized me, raped me and ejaculated on my face while videoing it with his cell phone.

Two clips bc he had to flip my unconscious body over. I didn't realize it was me as I found the clips on his phone by accident.

The second clip is when I saw my face. I, from that moment was never the same.

I loved him. We share a son.

He betrayed me. What was so scary was he acted like nothing was wrong with what he did. I didn't sleep for 10 days. The sight of him repulsed me. I had to get away.

Now, he is telling everyone I am crazy!! He is trying to take my son from me.

How could he do that to me?

1:33 PM  

Loved your post. Tired... me too.

12:18 PM  

Wow good read. Pretty funny too. I might need to try this. The other day my husband (well let me start by this he has some new idea that he is consumed by and wants to start a business, which is fine...but he has a real problem with getting advice from others bc. he knows it all, and he rather talk the whole time so who knows. I try to not say much for the fear of setting him off emotionally. bc he is very sensitive about any opinions I have. I throw in my ideas or questions to be ridiculed and shot down or mostly Ignored-so I let him win and do whatever he has in his head at this point... we've tried a lot of, nursing...blah) ok back to my point so he has this idea and leaves with so called business partners (pons)
and they go do whatever. I don't care. What I care about is I never get ME time. I barely am able to get a hair cut. I don't get coffee with girls or pedicures. I don't shop and I don't get any nights off. But yet it's ok for him to disappear for almost 5 hours. When he returned he brought me supposedly my favorite coffee but it was more than an hour old at that point. I wasn't sure why he even did that. I would love me time too, but to him I get My time and have had time in the past alone. Well here is a toast to Fuck it I need McDonalds from now on... if we don't look out for us no one will. Happy thoughts.

12:38 PM  

i think that I am involved with someone of this nature. We have been on and off for two years. He ignores me unless i send him a sexual video or picture..other than that he never responds to me and never holds up his promises. He has expressed that he wants to watch me with other men, women, animals and even told me that he has a huge rape fantasy. I thought maybe this was all fantasy but based off what I am reading, I am not sure that I would put any of this past him. Our sex life is great, as I cater to whatever he wants..and I am starting to think that is the only reason that he wants anything to do with me. Does this sound life NPD?

12:06 AM  

I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. The only advise I can give you is stay away and never never ever go back to him no matter what and secondly try to find a therapist who can help you work through all the feelings that will inevitably arise. I was married to a man who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder so I put a lot of his behavior down to that but now I can see he was absolutely a narcissist. He manipulated lied and didn't give a damn about me it was all about him. I now regret the sympathetic approach I took and feel like a complete idiot. He knew exactly what he was doing. Don't be controled by this selfish man ever again.

5:33 AM  

My relationship with me narcissist started when I was 22. I'm now 30. I broke it off for good so I thought when I was 26 after years of abuse and trying to have a baby, he had 3 previous children. My mom passed away just after I turned 29 he showed up at her funeral supported me... a few weeks later still supporting me I was drinking 1 night stand turned into my baby! He convinced me to work things out for our daughter. .. when she was 5 months old we went to my nephews baseball game with my family he jumped out of the vehicle going 65 mph! !! It was over! He is living with his mom '40 years old' one house away! He knows when I drunk and has seduced me 4 times! !! Even not being allowed on my property. .. he has no boundaries! Please help! !!

8:30 PM  

I truly feel so sad this happened to you. I am a victim of a NPD , know your not alone. I suffered intence abuse from my NPD ex wife for 10 year's. These monsters inflicts so much damage it's very difficult for us initially, to even wrap our minds around what they are. We are left confused in a state of terror and shock that another human being actually exists that could commit such grotesque dark filthy acts of abuse, such as you described. Most animals have enough instincts to refrain and reject such act's.

Learn from my mistake and get all the help possible. Trying to do everything to protect the children or child from this monster while your in a emotional or mental state that leaves you crippled is TO MUCH to handle alone! Enlist your family, friends, support groups, therapist, clergyman by doing just what you did. Give the specific facts of the behavior. Take the phone, get the pictures, write down or record behavior, rants, lies, ect..

Sometimes we are torn between speaking out against these monsters because we don't want to harm our children. Meanwhile they are doing everything possible to alienate the children from you. They do not, will not, and most cannot consider others especially innocent children.

They are creatures existing among us, or once with us. Unfortunately many are often fooled into believing they are human simply because that dark black putryfied hallow shell they dwell in is covered with human skin. Forget caring what people chose to believe from the NPD. They lie about you just as they lied about the last targets and will lie about the future target. I could start a support group with other victims of my ex NPD. I actually do know one and it's good to talk with them if you can. The most difficult is watching the damage and harm to the children. Research all you can to prepare for this. Co-parenting is not possible and you MUST go email only. No verbal exchange with them. Focus on the kids because they won't. My NPD openly stated she hated our daughter. Once she started on her at age 4 I was done.

To answer your question, how could he do that to you?

I'm sorry if this is to early to soon. It woke me up, helped me and the lies crumbled. Keeping in mind only you can apply this to your complex circumstances not me.

Your nothing to him, you never will be, you never were , your never going to be !
He will forget your name and even you soon. This is because, He is nothing! You are a human being with immeasurable value and worlth. Deny the lies embrace the truth.
He is a Asshole!!

7:23 AM  

I agree, they are so good at trapping us. You see it, but don't want to believe they are evil and enjoy torturing others. It hurts down to my soul.

9:51 AM  

Now that I can look back and really see things, him..for what he really was. He wasn't human!He didn't have any identity either.He was not male or female, although, he had male parts, he wasn't a man. He was, "whatever" he needed to be, at that moment, when his "needs and wants" took over. He'd had sex with his sisters, which he did, many times. Age, even a child, didn't stop him, nor did old women. You didn't even have to be a human being, just warm, yep..animals were not off the list of his victims.He went into all of his intimate relationships, with that same behavior, very coercing sexual behavior.He wanted his partners, to adapt to his sick lifestyle. He wanted to control and dominate their entire life, their decisions. His partners were merely living, breathing blow-up dolls. That was their purpose, to met his demands and needs, especially sexually.I suppose he wanted his partners, to hate themselves, as much as he hated himself.
I realized that he wanted to control other;s emotions, because of holidays. When a holiday would come around, peoples spirits up, he hated that. He wanted to be the reason, why his partners felt 'good" or "happy"..not some lame holiday.So, he'd ruin it, causing pain and bad feelings. Feelings he had made them feel. Feelings he controlled.Whatever the emotion, he wanted to be the reason behind it, whatever you felt.This was because, he had no emotions to control, they were all fake and mocked,except for the anger that is.He never had to fake anger, not once,everything else..yes.
When I realized, he couldn't stand for me to praise anyone, for anything, except him.When the love of his life"his mother", finally got her GED, they all tried making a big huge deal out of it. Congragulating her, big hugs..I showed no emotion. I gave no praise. i even told her, in front of him. That normally,I would tell someone i was proud of them, but..I told her instead, her son thought he was the ONLY one who thought they deserved praise from me, nobody else. I didn't clap, when she walked across and got her GED..I gave her nothing!No congrads at all from me..and I let her know why! I made an ass out of her son.Well, he made an ass out of his own behavior rather.His mother, had helped to create that monster...and did all she could to deny its existence!What behavior she didn't deny, she blamed on someone else..and made excuses for the rest! That is what happens, when you never have consequences,only praise and getting away with everything.

12:18 AM  

I feel the same way. It's devastating still living in the middle of it - with no way out. Every day that I wake up, I look at my hopeless life around me & wish that I hadn't.

7:49 AM  

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