Sanctuary for the Abused

Monday, September 24, 2018

We Mistakenly Believe...

That he cares about us and our well-being, if only we were better able to express and explain what we mean, he wouldn’t be so angry or disgusted with us,

if only we didn’t have some inexplicable problem in perception, we wouldn’t take things the wrong way,

if only we weren’t so inadequate—we wouldn’t feel so much pain and hurt,

that he is sincere, that he is the same way with everyone and they don’t make him mad, so there must be something wrong with us,

like he was always saying “this is what I’m talking about ...I just want to be happy — I don’t see us being happy - you make me do this, you make me drink, you’re going to make me drink,
you, you, you are the problem.”

That we are suffering needlessly because of some lack or flaw. This lack or flaw is not particularly defined but is instead a general sense of inadequacy derived from countless accusations (which he will reinforce by saying “everyone says”), we mistakenly believe, if only he would find religion, be reborn, born again, stopped doing drugs, got into recovery, worked his steps, bonded with his inner child, dealt with his anger issues, “childhood issues”, intimacy issues, commitment issues, abandonment issues, went to therapy, stopped smoking, started smoking, got a job, got a better job, got a degree, got a better degree, then the tyranny would stop

or if we were: younger, prettier, thinner, smarter, prayed more effectively, better, or right-things would get better, got into recovery, became more religious, more holy, more fervent, more faith filled, were more chaste, celibate, married in a church, renewed our vows, were more self responsible, reasoned with him, asked the Lord to open his heart, more successful, more loving, more understanding, more forgiving, more assertive, more submissive, more in touch with our inner child, changed our thinking, raised our self esteem, stopped creating/ recreating these types of relationships, healed our family tree, stopped enabling, “let go”, got therapy, took antidepressants, dealt with our childhood issues, intimacy, commitment and abandonment issues, forgave our parents, forgave our perpetrators, forgave ourselves, forgave him, stopped being the victim, developed better communication skills, wore bright colors, sat up straight -things would get better- did more for him and others - then the tyranny would stop.



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shared by Barbara at 12:02 AM



Yep. That's a good list of excuses! I'm not sure I could add one thing.

7:57 AM  

Thank you for this list. It's amazing how they rape us with some verses of the bible yet completely ignore others like 2 Tim 3:1-5. and John 8:43-45. And why is it that WE are expected to be absolutely perfect and yet incessantly forgiving of THEIR sins? No grace for us! I refer to this as cascading rape. They emotionally rape us, and we learn to rape ourselves. Never ending rape from morning till night. I'd just like to say that I'm so sorry. So sorry that we were never allowed to see/say that evil is real and comes in human form. That of a psychopath, and that it's not only not our fault, but that those who KNEW/KNOW, never gave/give us a chance to protect ourselves. Even now, with the technology to SEE that someone with the brain functioning of a psychopath CAN'T feel love or even CARE about others, they still foist it off on us first. Heartbreakingly amazing!

5:46 AM  

Barbara, This does not go with this article but it's something that I keep thinking about.

These religions that promote having tons of kids and these people like kate gosling who had several in-vitro. Has no one noticed that these people are all psychopaths? kate and her ex john, that octomom and that other family that had multiples.

The duggar family. the mom michelle, and the oldest kid josh, WATCH THEM! They are both total psychopaths. And how when you have so many children they are devalued. And then how they all have the same first initial, HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY FEEL UNIQUE OR SPECIAL?!

This would be a great place to start to do psychopathy studies with these religions such as catholic, polygamy, quiver full (the cult that the duggar family belongs to). One thing that the experts who study psychopathy say is that the majority of psychopaths want to have lots of kids or that they don't care how many they have. So this is what we end of having more of. Children who are psychopaths or carry the genetic material to have psychopaths.

See, this is my life. One of a bunch of kids and ALL are psychopaths except me. WHY? I asked my mom why she had me (as she said she always hated the last of us) and she said because the priest told her that if she didn't go off birth control she'd be kicked out of the church and not be able to come to the confirmation of her children. Have you noticed that all the people who want to stop abortion and not use birth control are no where to be found when you can't pay the bills or need a babysitter but MAN will they be there with picket signs when THE CAMERAS ARE ON!

Since I've discovered what psychopathy is and realized that I've been surrounded by it and abused by it I have wondered why I wasn't aborted. I would love to have had this chance.

6:28 PM  

Tonight (and almost every other week) is exactly what this was. He says all of these thungs, minus the religious part. Not all at once, but here and there. Maybe one time it's a few and another time just one. I'm so glad i found this site. So, yesterday i wasn't feeling well. I didn't get much done around the house, except play and take care of our two children. He came home and was anxious bc the house was not up to his standards. I thought he waa going to put me down, but didn't. Today on the other hand, i got some cleaning done. I always think he's going to come home and notice the things i did and see me getting the kids ready for bed and think, wow she's working really hard, but no. Getting back to tonight. He helps put our son to bed. The air is clean and we are talking to each other normally. As i am in the kitchen (cooking his dinner!), he looks at the floor by the high chair and says "there's food all over the floor". We have had this discussion many times and i tell him if i forgot to do something he is more than welcome to help me out. So i said that and BAM! He calls me a low life and he hates my guts and i don't deserve him. I just say ok to all of the things he says ao i don't fuel the fire.

It comes out of nowhere and just when things are going smoothly, the chaos begins all over again.

I really am feeling inadequate. The more i shut my mouth and don't give in, the worse it seems. I have to get our children out of this environment. Our 3 year old son is so bright and confident. I can't stand the fact that he might disrespect me like this some day. It's not fair to him. :-(

8:48 PM  

I'm so tired of this. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Living this way is not fun. Are there any support groups for victims of abuse? I need strength to leave or his delusions are going to consume me and i'll just end up being a robot just like him.

10:10 PM  

Barbara, Reading the above comment from the woman abused by her husband. I want to say this again, thank you for having this website and thank you for being brave enough to print the articles that you do and the comments as well.

If we could somehow let the world know about psychopathy, it's prevalence, genetics, how it expresses itself and that it's incurable. But I'm guessing this will never be the case as there are too many of them and the vast majority (this is my best guess) are in powerful positions. It does appear that most famous hollywood actors/actresses, dirctors etc and ALL the reality tv show participants are like an orgy of psychopaths. And this is who we as a society emmulate.

One of the many times I was forced to go to yet another doctor with my psychopathic child, one new child psychiatrist was brave enough to tell me that it was true that people with "impulse control issuses" were the ones having the most children. (I was trying desperatly to keep her from having sex. She was hyper sexual.) He ended up giving up his practice, went back to farming and I'm so sad and sorry about this as he could SEE what was wrong with my child and my husband. I'm guessing the truth about the hopelessness of this generation of children overwhelmed him. He's actually what we need in this field.

Denying the truth about psychopaths is destroying those of us who aren't. I'm so sorry.

5:23 PM  

I am so glad to have found this site. I have been in a verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive marriage for the full 22 years. Now we are getting a divorce. At first I was okay but now I'm dealing with so much hate and anger for him. I know it's not healthy and that I am doing myself harm by feeling this rage. But I would sure love to kick him in the ass and tell him off.

9:12 PM  

I used to look @ women in abusive relationships & think "Why don't they just leave?" Now being in one for the last 4 yrs, I know now that it's more than just because we love them. I have known this man for most of my life - we went to elementary, Jr high & high school together. He asked me out a bunch of times Senior yr & I always said no. Should've stuck w/my instincts:) If these guys STARTED OUT abusive, NOBODY would marry or get involved w/them. Problem is, in the beginning...they lay on the charm until they hook u. Mine went from sweet & thoughtful to selfish & abusive - from I love u to...if u ever leave me, I'll kill u. I'm planning mine & my children's exit strategy as we speak...

8:01 AM  

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