Sanctuary for the Abused

Sunday, May 08, 2016

Narcissistic or Borderline Controllers





At his core, every Controller is monumentally self-centered. He is not just on an ego trip. He is on an expedition. In his mind, everyone orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants he should have, simply because he wants it. He needs no other justification. Seeing himself as the center of everyone else's universe, he is blind to the fact that anyone else's wants or needs are more important than his own. Doggedly locked into this self-image of grand, "godlike" proportions, he may literally feel entitled to other's worship.

It is as if these kind of men view reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and golden mirror. Hardened against the truth of the world outside himself, this psychological citadel resists seeing things as they really are. Like mental bulletproof-glass, these opaque fortress walls deflect any words or actions from others that might threaten his perfect "godlike" image of himself. Everything is perceived through this armored, shining shell, and the world must always treat him as if he were golden. And failure to worship at his shrine can be devastating.

At one end of this egotistical continuum are publicly notorious "charismatic leaders"--the Caesars, Hitlers and Saddam Husseins of the world--that represent the severe end of self-centeredness gone violently berserk. They see themselves as "entitled" to dominate or destroy millions, simply because they can. But Controllers that most women encounter rarely look as obvious as an Adolph or Saddam, or become as lethal. Instead of striving to conquer nations, these narcissistic "little dictators" must limit themselves to conquering you.

But what exactly is "narcissism," in terms of being a Controller? And what is the surest way to spot this self-adoring manipulator?

In a Narcissistic Controller's mind, everyone and everything orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants, he should have, simply because he wants it. Greed is at the core of his being, but it is greed based more on attention than ownership. He may own a few things, or many, but his primary reason for "owning" anything--including you--is to display his sense of self-induced superiority.

Although such an individual is usually not physically or sexually abusive, he is a master at inflicting psychological, emotional and spiritual damage on others. This type of Controller is incapable of needing anyone but himself, and it is that rigidly fixated belief which lies behind the lordly attitude that dwells in him. It is as if these kinds of men see reality from inside a strange, transparent fortress, whose walls are both shield and mirror. Like mental bulletproof glass, these opaque psychological walls deflect any words or actions from outside him that might threaten his perfectly idealized, "godlike" self-image. And his mannerisms and behaviors reflect his own shining image.

He seems to stand out in a crowd, as if under a spotlight. He acts as if people aren't just watching him--they're adoring him. If you are within earshot, or he engages you in a conversation--which he will, if you can draw other's attention to him--pay close attention to his facial expressions when he mentions those whom he like and dislikes. Listen to how he talks about himself and others. Possessive arrogance characterizes him when he likes someone, as if he personally owns him or her. When he says something good about someone, he tends to say only good things about those whom he perceives as admiring him. Look for intense expressions of disdain toward those whom he dislikes, who will have failed to pander to his sense of self-centered specialness.

When talking about himself, everything he thinks, feels and does, sounds as if it must be important. Nothing is insignificant about a Narcissist, to a Narcissist. Regardless of what position he holds at his job, he is always better at it than anyone else. Whether a company's janitor or chief executive officer, he always conveys a sense of himself as superior to his peers.

When speaking of his family or friends, it sounds like he could be describing expensive cars, clothes, stereos or jewelry. People are possessions to a Narcissistic Controller, useful unto the degree that they make him look good to others and himself. They can be ignored, demeaned or discarded whenever they fail to make him shine.

The quickest and crudest way to confirm that someone is a Narcissistic Controller is simply to marry him. Unfortunately, this actually is the first moment when the narcissistic spell is broken and a woman realizes that Mr. Right is actually Mr. Wrong. If it were simply a manner of recognizing signs of self-centered arrogance, it would be a piece of cake to avoid this kind of man's clutches. But many Narcissistic Controllers possess a subtle weapon: charm.

Most people strive to be socially charming, but this is not the kind of charm displayed by a Narcissistic Controller. The manipulative impact of narcissistic charm is not intended to ease social connectedness. It is designed to establish social dominance. Instead of stimulating thought and interaction, it tends to lull or paralyze the mind. The Random House Dictionary defines charm's essence as, " . . . A power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty; to act upon (someone or something) with or as with a compelling or magical force . . .." It is this feeling of being acted upon--or controlled--which can initially hint that you are dealing with narcissistic control. It feels intensely charming. You feel gripped by it, instead of eased by it. Other signs can indicate the presence of narcissistic control, as well.

Displaying disdain and contempt for those whom he believes have betrayed him can confirm signs of narcissistic control. But betrayal, to a Narcissist, differs from what normal people experience.

For most people, betrayal usually means a deep violation of trust inflicted by someone with whom a close, personal relationship exists. But, to a Narcissistic Controller, betrayal simply means that someone stopped pandering to his every want and need. In other words, when someone breaks away from his control, he feels betrayed. Since Narcissists do not have the capacity to develop close, trusting personal relationships, there can be no deep violation of real trust.

When a Narcissistic Controller feels betrayed, contempt dominates his facial and verbal expressions. The insolent, aloof sneer commonly accompanies expressions such as, "He didn't know who he was dealing with!" Or, "Doesn't he know who I am?" His real complaint--if he had the ability to see it--should be, "Don't you know who I think I am?" This is not an exhaustive description of Narcissistic Controllers. It is the basics--the essentials. If you believe that you are already locked into a business or personal relationship with this kind of man, a later part of this series will explain suggested ways to deal with him. But if you have recognized the features of someone like this man, and you are feeling caught inside his spell, ask yourself a question: What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?

All types of Controllers capitalize on manipulating that part in anyone which lacks self-esteem. Essentially, they feed off our uncertainties about our selves. Find that shy, heart-broken or traumatized part of yourself and make friends with it. Get close to it, and it will help protect you from his deceptions, deceits, and ultimately, his inevitably egotistical scorn.

Love is a two-way street when two people know how to give it and receive it. But to Controllers, it's a dead-end freeway. Love, to them, is simply a means to an end. It is a vulnerability to be exploited. Obedience equals love in their minds, and each type of Controller seeks to achieve his version of "love" in a way tailored to his style of control. The Sadist's version of "loving" control is as distinct as a tarantula crawling across an angel-food cake. Love, to him, is the terror in his victim's eyes.

To the Sociopath, love is the thrill he gets when you've finally taken his bait, he's yanked on the line and the hook is buried deep in your heart. Love, to him, is the look of stunned bewilderment and dread your eyes reveal when you realize it's too late to run.

To the Borderline, love walks between the blades of an emotionally double-edged razor, which swings and slices between emotion-soaked heavens and hells. "Love," to the Borderline male, often ends in the cemetery. Almost half of all batterers and stalkers are Borderline.

If someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder attempts to draw you into a relationship, there is a very simple, concrete way to know it. Pay attention to your stomach. Even though he may initially seem sweet, attentive and empathic, you will likely perceive a subtle tightening in the pit of your abdomen, like a small rock you've suddenly noticed in your shoe-barely noticeable, but there.

Listen to that rock, because it is the voice of instinct, and it's trying to tell you something. Listen to your fear and start scanning for an incoming missile. The Borderline is often a tough target to initially confirm, but close attention to his attitudes and behaviors and an emotional position of calm neutrality can help you confirm his threat-potential. And if Borderline is confirmed, get out of there before it's too late.

But if too late has happened, and you are already involved with a Borderline Controller, you have experienced far more than the pinch of a small stone in your gut. You've been engulfed in an insane, hyper-emotional ride where spewing sheets of scalding lava alternate with warm, soothing baths of emotional saccharine. Life itself will have become a series of whipsawing emotional extremes, between his clinging adoration and hateful spite. The hallmark of this pattern is that "just when things seem to be going well," and he is treating you best, he suddenly turns into a perverse version of Air Jordan and you're the ball. Slam-dunked would be a mild way of describing the receiving end of this intensely emotional pounding.

He was just treating you like a goddess. He was being so sweet and attentive. Maybe he was even telling you how wonderful you are. Then, in the sudden twinkling of a diabolical eye, he's treating you like you've become a "bitch-on-wheels." And you don't know why.

He accuses you of everything from insincerity to infidelity, and your mind scrambles to discover what you just said or did that's setting him off. He keeps saying it's you, and is so intensely convinced that it is you that it's hard not to believe him. Later, after his firestorm of vindictiveness has died down, you might realize what triggered him. You did not respond "right" to his compliments, or scratched your nose in the midst of his adoration, or maybe you just burnt the toast that morning or were two-minutes late coming home from the office. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. There will always be something - apparently innocuous to you - which will abruptly stoke his raging fire again. And again and again, round and around, until your spirit and soul are finally ground into fine, despondent grains of charred debris, and your mind eventually looks like a Tokyo china-shop after a 9.0 earthquake.

Maybe he never physically beats you. Or maybe he does. Or maybe he never will. But you never know. He is stunningly impulsive and unpredictable. But he always assaults you emotionally, ripping into every fiber of your being with verbal vindictive, threats and accusations. Being keel-hauled over a coral reef is a cake-walk, compared to a Borderline's torment.

The only thing predictable about such a Controller is his extreme unpredictability. It is only after you become intimately snared into him that you discover the soul-grinder that lies waiting to strike. Until then, you may even find him amazingly attentive, sensitive and empathic to your every need. He can initially appear to be completely non-threatening. That is why it is critical to learn how to identify this type of individual, because there is a high probability that brutally sociopathic or sadistic-type personality disorders may hide behind his appealing camouflage of muted sensitivity. When borderline, sociopathic and sadistic disorders combine with a narcissistic disorder, a particularly deceptive and dangerous Molotov cocktail of character pathology results. Iraq's Saddam Hussein appears to totally manifest just such a combination. And there are many minor Saddam's already prowling the streets, workplaces, bedrooms and boardrooms of America.

A Borderline Personality Disorder is a master at transforming other's sympathy into pity. In terms of being vulnerable to borderline-manipulation, anyone that is capable of compassion, protectiveness or love can be easily deceived by a Borderline. If one of these extraordinarily deceptive individuals attaches himself to you, and you are particularly prone to confuse pity with love, then you might as well go skin-diving with ether in your scuba-tanks instead of oxygen. A relationship with a Borderline can be like swimming along a stunningly gorgeous coral reef, surrounded by a school of smiling piranha. The scenery may look divine, but you may be dinner.

Early detection of borderline characteristics can be very difficult. Clinical experts on this personality disorder commonly advise interns and colleagues to avoid treating more than one or two of these types, because treatment can become intensely confusing, persistently crisis-oriented and volatile. I know of several former clinicians that left successful practices because they could not learn to identify and deal with borderline patients. It was not that individuals who solely possess this type of personality disorder are necessarily physically violent, but they are geniuses at generating emotional and psychological chaos in people who get too close to them. The frenzied emotional-madness that characteristically runs riot inside of these individuals has an uncanny way of getting inside of those nearest to them.

Over a century ago, psychiatrists discovered this phenomenon and labeled it a folie deux, or "folly of two." It was observed that spouses often took on the symptoms of their psychotic partners. When the psychotic partner was removed from the home and hospitalized, his spouse's symptoms vanished within two weeks. The same phenomenon often occurs today when someone is in a relationship with a Borderline Personality Disorder. It is like becoming infected with emotional-malaria. One moment you're burning with fever. In the next instant your teeth chatter like chilled jackhammers. But if you learn the subtle, early clues to recognizing a potential Borderline, you can avoid your own trip to the sanitarium.

Particularly sensitive and adept therapists often describe a typically paradoxical reaction, commonly experienced by most people when first meeting someone who is Borderline. While feeling gently or tenderly drawn toward him, there is simultaneously an almost inconspicuous sensation of a vague knot in the pit of the stomach, as mentioned earlier. A more general description might be that a person feels that he or she too quickly likes someone and feels a faint sense of unease or dread toward him at the same time.

If you experience such mixed sensations when first meeting anyone, ask yourself why you simultaneously liked him so quickly and felt uncomfortable. If it's difficult to answer either question, put your radar system on high alert and scan closely the next time you meet him. If he is Borderline and has locked onto your sympathetic nature, that next encounter may not be too far away.

Without the presence of other personality disorders, someone who is Borderline tends to rapidly move toward developing a dependent relationship with those who show them interest and sympathy. An early sign of this dependency can be recognized by a rapid increase in contact, initiated by the Borderline, and a sense that such an individual has an uncanny ability to read you better than a blind man reads Braille.

Even though you can develop a very sophisticated form of personality-detection radar, it will never be as subtle or fine-tuned as a Borderline's. They have what seem like high-grade, instinctually built-in personality detection systems, comparable to extremely sophisticated phased-array radar systems used in the military for detecting high-speed, small ballistic projectiles, like the cruise missiles used to attack Iraq during the Gulf War.

This system appears to be purely instinctual in Borderlines, because they do not seem conscious of its presence or the information it gives to them, even when this ability is pointed out to them. Generally, this eerily unconscious quality seems to pervade everything about them. In a very basic sense, they do not know who they are. This is one of the most unnerving aspects about them for people who get too close.

If you ask a normal person on January 1st to describe themselves, he or she can give a fairly detailed description of what they think, feel and believe about the things that are important to them in life. Ask the same question, six months or a year later, and you will get almost the same answers. But if you ask a Borderline that question at noon today, the answer may be completely different by dusk, and will possess an indistinct, blurry quality, as if someone is drawing a picture of himself in mud. Or, depending on whom they are with, they may give two completely different pictures of themselves to two different people, ten minutes apart.

In mental hospitals, these are the patients who generate intense conflicts between staff members, unless those members understand what they are dealing with. One psychiatrist diagnoses him as schizophrenic, another labels him manic-depressive and a third believes he is a hypochondriac. A family therapist thinks he just has a "boundary problem," a psychiatric nurse thinks he's only neurotic, the vocational rehabilitation counselor admires his creative potential and a psychiatric aide thinks he's full of shit. The only people who know his true identity are the other patients. To them he is the master chameleon who can change his psychological appearance on a dime. He is the fox who fools the hunters. But who'll listen to them? They're not "professionally licensed."

What can be especially disturbing to others about this chameleon-like "change-ability" is that Borderlines are oblivious to what they are doing. They are not consciously making-up these different identity versions of themselves. They just do it reflexively, as if they run on some instinctually eerie automatic-pilot. Many psychological theories exist to explain this eerie process in a Borderline - from theories on "object relations" to "dissociation." But staying around a borderline Controller long enough to discover the cause of his strange attitudes and behaviors increases the probability of becoming his victim. Hesitation allows time for him to develop an attachment. And attachment can prove deadly, especially if a borderline disorder combines with another of the personality disorders prone to physical violence. Even if you only become involved with a solely borderline Controller, though, be prepared for a nightmare journey. You're in for an emotionally blistering E-Ticket ride in Relationship Jurassic Park.

Regardless of how a Controller with a Borderline Personality Disorder can alter and tailor his appearance to deceive others, he still presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern. This pattern usually emerges in three stages or roles: Vulnerable Seducer, Clinger and Hater. These stages cycle and often swing wildly from one role to the next, but through drawing a picture of how these stages appear, a basic portrait can be loaded into your developing Controller-detection-system.

At first, a Borderline male may appear shy, vulnerable or "ambivalently in need of care." This is the first clue: beware of men who feel like lost puppies. If you experience an urge to take him home and feed him, don't- especially if you are in an emotionally needy state. But if you can't stop yourself, then avoid a future feeding frenzy on your soul by making a careful scan for the following reactions and characteristics as you enter this spirit-eater's lair.

In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion for whatever painful plight he has gotten himself into, because he is a master at portraying himself as the "victim of circumstance." But listen closely to how he sees himself as a victim. As his peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands him - except you. Other people have always left him because of their "insensitivity." He is always being betrayed, just when he starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really know me."

It is this intense way he has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored - almost worshiped. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because every conversation is so intense, and his attention is so focused on you. But if you're paying attention, you will feel his adoration by the third date, or sooner. Initially, it feels like an invisible army of sweet, chocolate ants is subtly infiltrating you. But the invasion may be hard to notice because it feels good, just as the Trojans must have felt good when they towed the Trojan Horse into their city, only to discover it filled with Greek Berserkers bent on destruction and conquest. Heed the warning that Cassandra gave to Troy's King Priam; "Fear the Greeks even when they bring gifts." But it's difficult to say no to a gift from the gods, especially if you have already tapped one too many dry relationship-wells.

Here is a man who may look like a dream come true. He not only seems to make you the center of his attention, but he even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. If you have never experienced a man treating you like this before, it can seem like you have really found your heart's desire. But like anything that seems too good to be true, it usually is. While you may think you're about to enjoy the tasty pleasures of a Mr. Goodbar, Mr. Goodbar is about to take more than a taste out of you. And borderline men emotionally eat their women whole.

Once he has successfully candied his hook with adoration, he will weld it into place by reeling in your attention and concern. His intense interest in you subtly transforms. He still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. His interest becomes your exclusive interest in him. This is when things begin to feel "uncomfortable." Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate him, but only when they focus on his problems. You can tell when this happens because you can feel him "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon his feelings and conflicts. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into him, because that is when he will treat you well - even tenderly. That's why, if you confuse pity with love, you'll believe you're in love with him. Especially if your maternal instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "motherly code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many women stay with borderline men, ".... But I love him!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.

But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let him inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening his control through pity, he is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

The world ails him. Physical complaints are common. His back hurts. His head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. His complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And his maladies are not simply physical. His feelings ail him too.

He is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. He can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in his moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion.

But after every emotional Vesuvius he pleads for your mercy. And if he has imbedded his guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before he blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of man is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and he is a drowning man. But he drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull him out of the turbulent sea, feed him warm tea and biscuits, wrap him in a comfy blanket and tell him everything is okay, he suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, he still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping him, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through his predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal his true colors.

Sex will be like a rocket ride on the Oblivion Express. Anyone who can be so instinctually tuned in to reading your needs and manipulating them can also pinpoint your g-spot with the fine-tuned skill of a Swiss jeweler cleaving a diamond. It will seem wonderful - for a while.

The intensity of his erotic passion can sweep you away like a strange destiny on the blue sea of august, but his motive for lusting upon you is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of his disorder. Intensity is his trump-card. But the other side of him is driven by an equally concentrated need to control you. The sexual pyrotechnics, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you.
And, after a while, too much of a good thing might actually be too much, to the point where you feel like buying an arc-welding kit and forging your own cast-iron chastity belt. Or perhaps his erotic intensity will be there in a more cunning way. A borderline-sociopathic patient once described this "way," as if he had just invented the light bulb. Little did he know that thousands of erotic Edisons had already preceded him.

Shortly after he had seduced and married his third wife, a Controller named "Tom" developed a calculating and classically "I hate you-I love you" borderline way of sexually controlling his woman. Since he knew that the marked conscientiousness of his wife's character made her particularly loyal, he was certain his method of erotic control would work because, no matter how much she desired sex, she would never seek it with someone else. This was the key to his method, and his way of making her feel simultaneously responsible and guilty for her own desires and his cunning manipulation of them.

Knowing that he had control of her loyalty, he would "work" her sexual longing by timing its gratification. He would do this by turning her on, then losing interest by feigning "a tough day at the office," "a sore back," or some other pretext. All the while, his borderline instinct for reading her level of sexual frustration watched and waited, until he could tell that she was in a state of carnal gridlock. Then he released the laser intensity of his loin-lions upon her now fever-pitched libido and gratified her to the nth-degree.

To increase the agonizing effect of this cycle upon her, he added two more factors of frustration. He initiated the first by catching her while she secretly masturbated. And when he caught her, he always feigned outraged and agonized sexual betrayal. This ratcheted up her sense of guilt even further. Then - just to twist that ratchet one last click - he dropped using excuses like tough days at the office and sore backs for one that was a psychological coup de trompe' of controller manipulation. He started accusing her of sexually abusing him!

He had completely succeeded in deceiving her into believing that she was manipulating poor, erotically-exhausted him. And he had gotten her to cling to him! Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded in this kind of sexual "trick," or in other less genital manipulations, the Hater appears. This hateful part of him may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until he feels he has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To him, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - he will always justify his rage by blaming you for "having to hurt you."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous.

If a Controller is solely Borderline, his rages may remain verbal. You might be ducking a lot of dishes, glasses and other breakables, or the occasional airborne frying pan or flying cutlery set. But do not deceive yourself into believing that he is not directly aiming any of these missiles at you. Sooner or later one of them will "just happen" to hit you-or the kids, the cat or dog. And his excuse will be, "It was an accident," or "I didn't mean to hit you," or the ever-classic "Why didn't you duck?" - Not, "Why do I act so insane?"

With a Borderline, there is also the danger that one of these rages will precipitate or be precipitated by a temporary or long-lasting psychotic break. If this happens, a scattered state of rage may instantly become a precisely aimed attack, with you fixed in the cross-hairs.

If you sense any explosion coming, or one has already begun, leave. Do not try to "reason" him out of it. Immediately grab the kids, cats and dogs and get out now. Don't worry about what the neighbors or anyone else will think if he chases you outside. "Witness statements" to the police can help if you need to file a restraining order.

While there is never a guarantee that a solely borderline Controller will become physically violent or not, they will always become verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. Just keep one simple fact always in mind, regardless of whether a Controller is borderline, narcissistic, sociopathic or sadistic: Whenever any of them are criticizing characteristics in you, they are making autobiographical statements about themselves.

Blame is their way of unloading their character defects onto you. Listen closely to the hateful things they say to you about you. You are listening to verbatim descriptions of their character defects. This is extremely important to remember, especially in the midst of verbal attack. These are the only moments when you will hear the truth about the man who lies concealed behind the steel wall of his personality disorder. But never point that fact out to him. If you do, it may be the last time you see him alive. But not because you're still around to know he's not dead.

If you possess a strong sense of responsibility, Controllers will use it against you. Understanding how to prevent a Controller from manipulating your conscience is key in learning how to "counter - control." Moral integrity is one of the finest assets a person can possess, but it can attract a Controller the way a "hot target" attracts a cruise missile. When dealing with a Controller, conscientiousness can be your Achilles' Heel.

Integrity and conscientiousness remind Controllers of their most profound character flaw. They hate being reminded of what they do not have. They hate those qualities in others because Controllers cannot possess them. That is one reason that they are attracted to integrity. But their attraction is rooted in a desire to dominate or destroy. They must manipulate, rule or emotionally and psychologically annihilate anyone whose soundness of character reminds them of their own profoundly egotistical, selfish and empty natures.

All effective counter-control is rooted in understanding how a Controller manipulates someone's conscience and uses it against him or her. But the great trick to discovering how to effect practical counter-control is in knowing how to overcome a Controller's amorally motivated drive to control, without turning into a Controller yourself.

from ROMEO'S BLEEDING

(Your abuser may be FEMALE)

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shared by Barbara at 12:20 AM


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36 Comments:

thank you so much for that totally illuminating article. I became a"victim" 4 1/2 years ago. For the last 10months I have tried to distance myself from the man and certainly I see him in a different light from then. But it was always my fault. YOU make me drink. I took him to a drying out clinic, to various alcoholic advisers. The thing is that he continues to verbally attack me and physically shove me so I have fallen over. I seem to lack the willpower to leave him completly because he is so "needy". And cos he says he loves me over and over. I know now that he loves only himself, blames all the extremely hurtful things "that was the drink talking". He has turned EVERYONE against me who see him as a poor little man with a monster of a partner. I know I must get out because he is POISON who has taken my money, energy,goodwill and anything you like.I t took me three years to realize that there was something not quite right with him. I never did take to computers as HE said I was "too stupid" therfore denying me this opportunity to find out what is wrong with the man.He automatically disagrees with anything I say, so resulting in neverending conflict. I feel I can't take much mor but don't know how to leave him although he has instilled in me so mch self-doubt that I believe that I am to blame and"everybody says you're no good for me." is constantly in my head. So, it is nice to know that there are loads of others like me-more's the pity- and I can get over this somehow.

5:11 AM  

Although I have read a lot in particular about the Narcissist Manipulator. I found reading all of your writing very very informative. Wish that I had had that to hand couple of years.
Hope that it comes into the hands of those who encounter such people well before they come in contact with them, enabling them to be prepared and protected against such types.

11:14 PM  

Been dealing with an ex obsessive husband with Narcissist Personality for the past 11 years, and this article is very informative for me and only reenforces the types of things I have had to endure over the years..more recently, he keeps bringing me back into court, for the same things, even after the judge rules and settle..he never quits..our children are both adult now and it still continues..will it ever stop?

11:22 AM  

Barbara,
Thank you for this article. It was so accurate and very enlightening. My ex was a diagnosed borderline. Your description here is right on. It is exactly what you've written to live with one. And it's the most excruciation pain to leave one and and stay away from....
This article described my life. I am so glad to finally be free. I worry about my kids though, and what they have to deal with trying to pander to him to keep him happy. It's a sad trade off....but at least the can now choose how much they want to put up with.
~Denise~

8:55 PM  

Like others who have experienced this madness, I want to say how incredibly accurate your description is. There is very little literature on this subject with regards to males so this is another thing I really appreciated about the article.
Thank you for the validation.

6:37 PM  

Perfectly accurate. Spot on in every way. It is as though you had been living with me and chronicling the madness in my life for the last 5 years. I escaped physically from this toxic relationship in April, but I still fear retribution.

10:11 PM  

I have no more love or any illusions anymore, he is so personality disordered. I am here because I am disabled, and don't have much money but if any opportunity presents itself [such as money or decent place to go where I won't be living in lower poverty, I will take it]. My health is improving thankfully, due to a misdiagnosed condition for over 15 years. Not everything will be solved but I have the potential to be physically stronger. Everything is about the audience to them. What disturbs me is how I am judged by the company I keep, I cannot say to anyone, I know he is not normal. Perhaps they do pick up on my disgust, but then they just see me as a shrew I suppose. I do not look to him for emotional needs whatsoever. It really is a symbiotic relationship two people together for money and practical reasons, me not to end up in a nursing home. Until health gets better, and I can function more on own, I could end up worse off. He is home less and less. I dont put up with any of the abuse. I think he knows inside, I no longer care anymore, I really do not. This vanquishes some of their power. I don't even care. I openly talk about what I will do when and if marriage ends. I am surprised he has not left yet. The obessesion with the audience is nauseating, but what can you do. He actually embarrasses me in public more and more, just because he wants to drain so much adulation from people while giving nothing back.

1:17 PM  

This is accurate with the following mistake.

Change ALL occurrences of "he" to "s/he". Then it will be completely accurate.

Ladies, it is very important that you do not let this be tainted with your gender. For every female poster here you would see the SAME conformational bias displayed if the article were written with "she".

12:38 PM  

Robert - we all know that Abuse is an Equal Opportunity Offender

75% of abuse victims are unfortunately, women.

This site is NOT gender biased. We have many male subscribers.

8:29 PM  

Validation of our experience is very important and this really is one of the best things I've read about this type of character-disordered man, thank you. The lost puppy who makes you feel bad in your gut and confused, it's right on the money.

6:09 PM  

Everything here reads like my life story, thank God I got out when I did, but unfortunatly I spent nearly 20 years with him and sometimes I feel so broken that it feels like I will never be whole again. I find that intellectually I know what he is...but I still find myself secretly taking the blame for all the insanity and destruction of my self and my kids and feeling absolutley sick inside.

6:05 PM  

I think my STBX husband is NPD / BPD. He seems so normal in front of other people but he rages, has emotional affairs, criticizes, blames, uses porn instead of having sex, insults my character (eg says I am a bad mother, bad wife). But the acts like mr perfect in front of people. It makes me crazy!

And to top it off, he is leaving me. I'm devastated because we have 2 sons (10 and 12) and we have been a couple for 27 years.

He dumped me but I think he us disordered. Wish I could help him and keep my family.

8:26 PM  

Thank you for the information in this post. I'm in the middle of breaking away. I literally left the country where I lived with my partner to find some grounding in the company of my family..who is very nurturing and reciprocally loving. I met my partner at a very young age and he was 27 years my senior. I was his student. I read your post after receiving and reading a flurry of emails from him that fluctuated between adoration, guilt, shame, and the trigger for me...blame. Instead of responding to the email, I did a search on bpd narcissism. My therapist indicated that the issues I was dealing with were characteristic of a bpd narcissist. Posts like these, and the comments from others who have experienced similar relationship patterns offer me perspective. And in understanding the issues at hand, comes strength.

6:36 PM  

I've read a lot online about NPD/BPD. I've been in dysfunctional relationships all my life and each one is unique.

I thought I'd grown beyond the games and manipulation both from myself and from my partners, but recently found myself raging at someone that manipulated and gaslighted me, but when I read the attributes assigned to these personality disorders, I feel like I'm reading about me, minus not having empathy.

So confused :(

2:21 PM  

Having spent many years with such a person please be aware of the following: I blamed myself and put my hand straight up for the labels "depression and anxiety" when what was really occurring was my instinct saying " get the hell out" His mother is exactly the same type of ruthless viperous person and has to my knowledge destroyed 5 families - her own birth family, her marriage, her ex husband's relationship with his siblings, my marriage, my relationship with my family and now the pair of them( ex and ex mother in law) are trying to systematically destroy my life so I loose our kids - the final victory for them as I am not worthy to exist on the same planet apparently. I know for a fact that they are busily labeling me as most of the syndromes mentioned on these pages and arch manipulators that they are, are doing a great job at making people despise me. So, please be careful which labels you accept about people out there - be careful about WHO is labelling too. Remember that institutions such as teaching and psychology will be full of these types bullying away for their own agenda. The most "respectable upstanding citizens" are often the ones enjoying their power over others' fate, standing in judgement armed with strong emotions and opinions but little facts or educated thought. Be careful when a person is mentioned to you as being like this because they may just be a hapless type with low self esteem and no family support.Please make sure that this fashion for psychological labels does not play straight into the hands of the frauds and bullies and manipulators of this world who WILL use your fear and misery to hurt and control others. "Oh, baby, it's a wild world..."

10:24 AM  

Thanks for this accurate depiction of one of the most devastating (for us who happened to fall in the trap) personality disorders. I definetly confirm the early sign of the knot in the stomach, a gripping sensation i experienced right after one day spent with the bpd person. It took me more than a year to recover from the emotional pain and loss of self esteem he caused me even from distance, as these people are now even sophisticated online abusers. And they come back right when you feel better and free, to reassure their power over you. Be strong and cut all ties. Forever.

6:11 AM  

I am currently involved with a bpd narcissist male and it's been 3 years. So much has happened in that time that most of my family and friends just want me out - as you can probably imagine it seems so hard to just get out but from what I have read *once I finally decided to look into all of this* it seems like the best thing to do since there will be nothing I can do to make this "better" I've taken many a verbal beating and sometimes it gets physical. I'm scared, worn down and my self esteem is deeply damaged. the next step is so hard and as much as I know I need to do something I am afraid and confused. I'm so thankful for this article and so many people responding to BPD online ~ I've been so lonely and started to believe him when he ripped my personality apart and told me it is all my fault.
I do take responsibility for being with him/choosing to be with him ~ I grew up with abuse and the more I read it makes sense that he can only take advantage of someone who allows it as I have been doing.
this is a mess and very sad :-/

1:26 PM  

I am so so deeply and profoundly touched I cannot even find the words to say, for I feel as if I am going to faint. Every last word was SO BEYOND PERFECT at describing the year long relationship with a borderline male that took me (a young runway model - with a very big intimidating presence, a very very strong sense of self, and a tough as nails character which I developed through my interesting life background - which was more Hell than anyone could imagine). I have been somebody who has had absolutely nothing and nobody in this world, and I have developed a life philosophy (one where you have absolutely nothing and nobody and still find something within you greater than you that enables you to survive and do anything you put your mind to). I have had absolutely nothing in this world but my life philosophy and still managed to survive, and this borderline male who (initially stalked - a normal person would have called the police but I have a harmful stupid compassion that made me even give him the time of day). This man stalked me, attached himself to me, and did all the above to me to A TEE. He honestly made me - who by the grace of the force above has everything IN THE WORLD going for her. Honestly i am guilty beyond belief for all I have. This borderline male made me hate every last thing about myself. And had me make a legitimate suicide attempt. I witnessed a breakdown though, after he realize his words actually had me about ready to do it. He revealed his true inner EMPTY worthless self, and above all things HIS ENVY of my good, compassionate character, which enables me to rise above any hardship. I should write one of these myself. I am still in treatment from all his torment.

3:19 AM  

I am currently recovering from being in a very deeply volatile Heaven and Hell relationship with a BPD man. I always said jokingly that we might end up killing each other. I had no idea how I targeted the gravity and prophetic reality of it all until he finally had a psychotic episode triggered by insane jealousy and hit me. I made sure we were in a public place because I was so terrified as he was raging. He was strangling me as well. That 'feeling' the article describes in the pit of your stomach....WOW all I can say is that I lived with that feeling for 2 years. Thing is when he wasn't abusing me verbally and finding ways to punish me because I deserved it he was the most amazing man I ever met. A real and ultimate contradiction. I called him my heaven and my hell. I'm not trying to understand why I stayed and why it was so hard for me to let go. Incidentally he sabotaged our relationship and ended it suddenly. He completely did a 180 that day and began calling his old girlfriends to re-connect and start socializing and getting back into his NEW replacements. He was kind enough to say that he will always pray for me but I was just not worthy of him and he had reason to NOT trust me. WOW I'm sucker punched and beyond traumatized.

2:30 AM  

My life described in detail for the past ten months. I have taken steps to break saway - I pray I can remain strong.

10:06 PM  

Oh my I too am recovering and using these we sights to give me strength madness and my ex torments me at every opportunity he is like 2 people and I still say I love him but I really do hate him he uses our son to torment me and I have a 5 year restraining order although there is a court agreement so he can see our son which I am going to stop for my sons sale he is an evil sick twisted man my mind can not even process the shit that this man is capibal of thinking up to hurt me I will be ok I will survive this

9:05 AM  

This was the MOST amazing article ... a true eye opener for me. Controlling Borderlne. Yes, he did make me feel like a piece of property. Had dated this man off/on for 7 yrs. Broke up so many times but always got drawn back in. Little did I know I was only being recycled - an available "source".
Well...after he filed bankruptcy and I was fairly certain he had no women in his orbit, I married him. I knew it was a crapshoot but I just couldn't let him go so it was either marry him or break up for good.
We were ok as long as I was his constant servant, agreed with everything he said, and NEVER dared act the least bit independent. Was isolated and he liked it because I was always there for HIM. I was dying inside.. slow death and felt like I was losing my mind. He'd trashed me to his family and most of his friends so I had no support system an hour away from my own family.

2 wks ago he had his first rage attack. We'd been married 17 mos and he screamed for an hour. I was used to the unfounded accusations - but he started with the "ALOOF SMIRK" and I went nuts. That one second of disrespect "in my face" was the defining moment. I'd had enough. Told him I was leaving. Within 6 hrs he'd changed the locks on the house.

It is refreshing/cathartic/cleansing to read this article where everything we've all experienced MAKES SENSE.. That is the craziness of it all!! NONE of it makes sense!!!
Not to a normal person!

Sick to death of the projection, the neglect, lies, denial, gaslighting, deflection, and anxiety. My stomach was in KNOTS. This was the man who was supposed to LOVE me?? HE OWNED ME.

I am filing for divorce and have an appt with my attorney next week.

I have finally learned after 7 yrs that this man is mentally disturbed, cannot be helped, and it is NOT my job to SAVE HIM. He would throw me under the bus in a second and I KNOW he will replace me within l0 min.. I moved out a week ago ( Had the presence of mind to KEEP MY HOUSE I owned before marriage and kept finances separate).

I would NOT be surprised if he hasn't already found a replacement.. or worse yet.. had one in the wings the whole time. I did have my suspicions but he was slick.

Sadly for him.. I am smarter than he is. He will die clueless. I have a chance to be happy and recover.

Blessings to you all.

10:03 AM  

I was in a relationship with a Narcissist for 4 years, we lived together for about 3 and he basically wanted to do everything for me, he cheated on me in the beginning and did it near the end but this time I knew his pattern and confronted him so he devalued me and discarded me, kicked me out of our house and gave away my cats. He is with one of the girls he cheated on me with. His new supply. I read their messages and he blamed me for everything and made himself a victim.

Its been less than a year since we broke up and I am still recovering all while he is playing house telling his new supply she is the best thing and calling her my pet names. He is acting & talking like her now. I see it is him that has the problem and I was caught up in his love bombing and his charming ways.

9:40 PM  

P.S.
Men don't report abusers. 70 percent of "reported" abuse is by women.

7:04 PM  

I wish that I had found this invaluable information prior to meeting my husband, who is described perfectly in this article. Everything written spelled out the allure of his courtship, the "whiplash" personality changes and the scariest part of all: the calculating, manipulating way he politely agreed to a separation, going as far as helping me fill out lease applications, could snuggle sweetly with me all night, sleeping soundly, then waking up and being served a TRO falsely claiming ME of abusing him and our children plus divorce papers that requested I vacate our home in 72 hours, grant him full custody and require ME to pay child support after 15 years of being a stay at home mother. He timed it so I was served at 5pm on Sunday with a 10am Monday hearing. By the grace of God the policeman who served me, seeing the blood drain from my face, realized the accusations were false and guided me to a lawyer with a solid winning track record- although even she warned me that his set up almost guaranteed his success and if it wasn’t for the Judge ignoring the customary 10 minute time limit and kept calling us back to hear more information...the 1st time he had done such a thing in 25 years on the bench- praise God- and after being called back 5 times- the case was dismissed. His lawyer was just as stunned as mine- all I knew was I had to run...my lawyer helping me pack...and fled to my hometown in No.CA. Where I sought immediate help from Center for Domestic Peace- an organization that WILL help, but didn’t have this fully detailed description of just how terrorizing this Narcissistic personality disorder can be and how hard it is to describe the subtle abuse. After 13 years of hearing how "crazy I am: and it’s my fault....It was hard to verbalize just exactly what the abuse was. He also had convinced BOTH families that it was my fault and played up issues I had as a teenager that weren’t even present anymore. Nevertheless, they believed him, as he is a high ranking military officer with a wall full of accolades and accreditations and I'm just the overly hysterical girl whose imbalance is causes me to start unnecessary drama. I am going to forward this to them to use as an example of the type of abuse that is just as damaging but doesn’t leave as many bruises.

3:38 PM  

I am unfortunately a male victim of a BPD. In NY the family court and laws are stacked against me. Just because she didn't beat me with a bat doesn't mean she hasn't been torturing me. To top it off, she demands to control my life after divorce posing restriction on my living arrangements and visitations with my children.
What's a guy to do when I'm assumed to be the "bad guy"
with her assumed to be the victim?

1:59 PM  

First off let me say, I have never left a post anywhere for anything but I have found that (in leaving my BPD partner) some of most important healing Iv'e found has been reading post from other survivors. The story posted (that led me to this page) was a rare find...thank you! More often than not I am reading an article from a so called professional and their take on BPD. Unless you are a survivor ( married to, living with, dating ) of a BPD's abuse you don't know what HELL it is, what they are capable of verges on EVIL(as in demonic.) There is crazy and there is EVIL, these people (from my experience) are capable of being EVIL.
My ex emotionally seduced our therapist to the point that the therapist gave him her home phone number and sometimes would call our house on the weekends, week nights. I knew the boundaries were skewed but that was normal for him (he didn't recognize boundaries) he used this therapist to help him manipulate me and now that I have left him I feel immense anger at her....clearly she could have her license taken away but I'm trying to give her some grace in this because he is SOOO gifted at manipulation that how can I blame her for getting sucked in. Please be aware (as has been stated in other post) the families (usually mothers) of these borderlines are sick as well. You will get NO (real)sympathy or understanding from them regarding the manipulation and abuse you are or have endured.
The night I left him (after 7 years)he had been drinking and screaming and it felt as if was about to turn violent (it never had before....well....not physically). When I left him he called the police and told them that I was someone who had worked for him and that I had stolen his credit cards ( so the police began calling my family trying to track me down) As that was going on he sent me papers for our divorce and told me that if I didn't sign them ( they gave me nothing) that he would start calling my families places of business and telling them every secret he knew about each member of my family....and then within days that is exactly what he did...coming very close to destroying lives.
Oh did I mention he's a retired Deputy Sheriff! He is now facing charges for filing a false police report and blackmail. His mother blames Me for all of this. She says, well you left him of course he's upset and angry. You know he's not well, if you retaliate and press any kind of charges it will kill him....you know he's not well....you know he's not well...you know he's not well. As if his condition gives him the right to destroy lives without consequence. Thank God for the computer age...we can reach out to each other...hear others stories and know we are not crazy and that WE ARE NOT ALONE.

4:03 PM  

I am posting this as support for this article, it is precise. Please replace 'he' for 'she' if you are male.
Amazingly this disorder is the same for both sexes.
My life was almost ended by one, all that was not said in this beautiful article was how behind your back they are spinning terrible lies about you and around you. The 'smear campaign' at the end is breathtaking, they are trying to get you to hurt them physically and get you fighting with their next victim who has been having an affair with them for months. They have been doing this from the moment you met them.

Run away, do not look back, they are messed up beyond help and sanity

11:26 AM  

This month will be my 20tb anniversary. There will be no romantic dinner, or any special gifts. There will be no celebration of any kind. I will be alone. My marriage is ending and he is in long term treatment for addiction and health wise he is very bad off. I have always known something was terribly wrong . His mood swings were unbearable. I never knew what I would wake up to. It's like he never took our marriage seriously. Everything was about his needs, his wants , just him. He has been a neglectful father and husband and began an emotional affair with an ex girlfriend. That is when things began to take a different turn. This is when the real identifiable traits and behaviors kicked in. I was knocked from my pedestal and kicked to the curb . I was replaced with "Her" and he quickly began his adoring of her. It went on for a very long time. Even during my mothers illness and death. He and this woman( also married with kids) had their fun and he boosted her ego and stroked her feathers at my expense. He disregarded others opinions about what he was doing. As I cried and begged him to stop, he told me he did not care about my opinion. Things got much worse after that and he was never the same after her. He made a life changing decision about his job which exhibited the " Grandiosity trait ". And it cost him. His drug and alcohol use skyrocketed. He went into treatment and gushed over me, I held back and really blasted him after a first time encounter in months at the treatment center. I was so distrustful of him. I was ready to let him go . But , what about my kids? There in lies my huge weakness. Failing my family . I wanted so badly to save him and there was much work to be done . Like a fool, I let him back. This was a big mistake because prior to his last attempt at treatment he had a violent episode where I called the police and he was arrested. He still held that against me. But hid it very well. So many things he promised to do and didn't . It fed my obsession to stop him from protecting this woman and their secrets. Because he constantly skated around the issue telling me it was nothing. I knew he was head over heels and at one point told me she liked the idea she knew she could have him anytime and that , that hurt me. She liked the idea of hurting me. He came home and shortly after, we were at it again, he withdrew more and more to the point he stopped having sex with me totally , almost two years now . Telling me I'm ugly, he's not attracted to me, and it just got worse and worse . He left over a week ago with barely a good bye and one last kick in the stomach with an " It's all my fault". When no one else, and I mean no one was there for him. I always was. I do not think I will hear from him. I'm still so raw and so scared about the future. I just wonder how this will all play out for him and if he ever will regret what he has done to me and the kids. He brought out things in me that were so ugly. But what is interesting is how his behavior toward me paralleled my mother, who may have been a narcissist as well, possible borderline. They shared a lot of the same tactics to hurt. I'm still in shock , disbelief and maybe PTSD. I pray I can recover from this. The pain is so great and the sense of loss is overwhelming.

3:00 AM  

I am still scarred and confused by the relationship I had with my partner 8 years ago. We were together for four years and have somehow remained friends ever since. After we broke up, I didn't pay him any attention for a year but he manipulated me back into my life as I had a serious physical condition and he was the best practitioner I knew to help keep the pain at bay.

Our friendship works now because he cannot abuse or control me in the same way as before and I only ever see his nice side.

He was never diagnosed with the condition but he has all of the hallmarks of it. His personality would switch in an instant from sweet and loving to nasty and verbally abusive. There was only black and white - no shades of grey inbetween. He went from 0 and jumped to 10 and when he was a 10 there was a change in his eyes. He would stare and disassociate whilst spitting verbal abuse. After the ordeal, he would act like nothing had happened and I would be left an emotional wreck.

I should have spotted the signs early on - I was abused growing up, my boundaries were and still are warped so I didn't know what was and wasn't acceptable behaviour. Within three days of meeting him he told me, "I think I'm going to marry you". We had a sexual relationship for a year and then it dried up. When I didn't want sex, he would manipulate me into having it so in the end I did. It was one sided and selfish. He was paranoid and would call me to tell me he was watching me when I was sat at home on my own. There was one time when I scratched my own back as it had been irritated and I had left marks on my skin. He accused me of sleeping with someone else, thinking they were "sex scratches". He ordered me to remove the rest of my clothes so that he could inspect me. Another time, we were travelling back from vacation and I was very poorly with diarreah. He had promised to visit a patient on the way back from the airport - instead of cancelling the appointment and taking me home, I waited in the car for him and had to relieve myself in plastic bags. I'm sure he had affairs when he took long business/family trips as I found pictures of women on his phone but he told me his brother had taken them.

Writing this now makes me wonder how I can still be his friend. We understand eachother so well and we laugh together. He refers to our relationship as 'those dark days' so he knows that he had problems. He has a very long distance relationship with someone now - all on his terms I suppose and I dread to think how he will change and treat the woman when they finally live together.

Everyone else thought we were a wonderful couple at first because they believed he was the perfect partner. He was a health professional with an excellent track record with his patients. It took a while for me to admit his flaws. My friends and family were worried when now and then I'd reveal how he had treated me. I think when your boundaries have been stretched it is even more difficult to recognise unhealthy behaviour - to others it is pretty obvious. When he was sweet, it was wonderful and you quickly forgot the nasty times.
Thanks all for sharing yoyr stories, it helps..

2:49 AM  

It has been 9months since we broke up. We have a 2 year old together. I have done everything possible to get along & let him see our son. It's impossible & I finally cut their visitation off & said take me to court. Well he won't, but he does constantly threats me. My question is does BPD person do this more than an NPD? He just won't quit! It's been 9 mos of pure stress & hell. I'm scared.

3:39 PM  

I am a survivor of an abusive marriage. I didn't get much support from my family during the marriage; they listened, but didn't offer options. A woman with four children can't just walk out the door. He had already made threats against my life if I left. One of the children was not legally mine. He also threatened that I would never see him again (the second youngest child he had by another). When he started physically hurting one of the children's puppies, I made the decision to leave no matter what the cost and put a plan into action. It was a very long two and a half years waiting for the divorce to become final and he would not leave the house until he was forced at that last day, but that day finally came. Afterwards, he broke in a couple of times, cut up the couch and left his calling card here and there. One day, one my way to work on a morning when he had the children, the lug nuts fell off of one of my van tires (it was winter and we had lots of snow and ice and I had just come off the bridge). The guy at the service station said, "Lady, I don't know who you are, but if you don't take care of what is going on in your life I'm going to be reading about you on the front page of the newspaper. What happened to your tire was intentional." So I guess he did make that attempt. I got locking lug nuts and went on about my day. It's been years now and my life is good. He doesn't bother me anymore. My cousin was not as lucky. She was murdered by her ex-husband in 2013. Her death brought back a lot of emotions. I miss her. I miss talking to her, we understood each other. the rest of my family doesn't understand. Since my ex was always nice to them, they still think of him as family and to me that feels like a kick in the gut. I would never expect my children to feel anything but love for their father, but my own sisters? That's just different. I'm at a loss on how to feel.

8:06 PM  

I DO NOT KNOW WHERE TO START TALKING ABOUT BPD AND NARCISTS.
I AM THE VICTEM OF A NARCISTIC BORDERLINER. I AM A MAN.
I had a relationship of 4 years. This article above about it all. Is not updated but comes a far end to the real super insane shit that passes along with the humans.
My ex partner had a double life behind my back, betrayed me with more then 21 guys. She had my facebook, my mail, my phone under super controle.
She knew my passwords.
Super university calculated smart!!!
Is only a statment to describe how evil there abuse is.
They emotionally abuse you verbal, pshycly soo deep. That you think your the one how is crazy.
At the end i discovered her demonic secrets, when i caught her cheating on a dance floor on the bachilors party of her sister, having nearly sex with a super domanating drugs addicted ego narcistic male.
She totally openly ripped me too peaces that night.
She had already 4months a secret afair with him.
She was under the influance of drugs and alcohol,and knock me out in a pshycotic episode.
Its still makes me cry telling this.
Because after all that insane cruel abuse.
I found out she totally bankrobed me.
One thing i tell to all victems men or woman of BPD OR NARCISTIS,
THESE HUMANS lie about there past to you also there families. Manipulation is the biggest pain i ever felt.
They are the best actors actresses in the world.
For them everything is a game. About power and controle.
There selfishness is bigger then 100humans combined. They are so dominating and arrogance is bigger then a skyscrapper.
When i got destroyed by my girlfriend and insane friends of her.
Because ALL bpd and narcists lead a Double life.
Be well aware of this.!
Hypocytes and lyers soo well.
My girlfriend had many bpd friend and narcistic friend. In secret.
I discovered such insane shit.
And her familie loved me deeply, soo i thoughed.
But when the evil lies betraying ect came out.
The familie totally went crazy. Towards me and my familie and friends.
It turned out that she, had an insane destructive past and a list of many victems.
Kind empathic loving big hearted victems like me.
A past of insane criminal abusive sexistic drugs partys insane alcohol etc.
She alone fucked more then 290 guys.
Be aware most in secret of course.
Most of the guys where super narcistic egotripping oversexed motherfucker.
If you are in a relationship with a bpder or narcist.
And you want to know if your dealing with one.

Start with there phone. Check messages.
Feed them alcohol and go out watch observe them.
I was with a walk pschcoo.
She could destroy humans with her dominance and discusting behaviour and big super mouth.
I lived in a super hell of evil.
The familie lied to me so much. Her mother had it and she is soo scary insane. The agression and abuses. I am scared of her familie how played the game with her.
I bin in therapy. Lost inmens amounths of weight. Being incredible traumatised.
The slaughter you to peaces and they get a super kick from it.
Get the fuck out of there claws. They destroy big hearted people. Use abuse manipulate, lie and can acted soo well.
I am scared super scared how these humans destroy you.
If you read this.
One advice. They do not chance. They never will it will only get worser.
I loved her beonde any of your imagination. I have a good job, i was always the best of me.
But she ripped my heart and soul to peaces.
GET OUT OF IT TO SAVE YOUR OWN SOUL.
THE KILL YOU EMOTIONALLY.
ONE OF THE BLACKEST PAGES OUT OF MY LIFE IS THE SUPER EVIL INSANE CRAZY SHIT SHE BROUGHT ME IN DURING A 4 YEAR LONG RELATIONSHIP.

SAVE YOURSELF. I CAN NEVER FORGET IT.
SHE IS THE DEVIL. I SEEN IT.

BE STRONG TO TAKE THE STEP , HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM, THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU.

SINCERLY JACOB

8:05 PM  

OMG- thank you for bringing up the whole borderline man having to control you sexually and crying "sexual abuse". Mine would do just that even when I just had my hands under the covers because they were cold. Or he'd go into the bathroom and then come out saying that he'd heard me moaning and writhing around on the bed (I hadn't been) and he'd act so hurt and outraged. I hadn't even done anything! And then he'd ask me to touch myself when we were actually being intimate and I wouldn't do it because I was afraid he'd flip out on me and of course that was just another excuse for him to rage at me. There's no winning with these excuses for people. Man or woman- if you come across a borderline- RUN. They will destroy you. Mine definitely destroyed me.

7:19 PM  

I'm borderline male. Beautiful description. It fits. I'm sorry. What can I say, I was only diagnosed two years ago after a few decades of driving women into the insane asylum. If only they offered commission. Be aware its been stated women borderlines are very often actually female sociopaths. Borderlines are NOT sociopaths. We do love. We're just mixed up from being raised by narcs and sociopaths. That would do it to anyone. I was gaslighted as a child and all the way through my years until no-contact. And since no-contact I feel free of the folie-a-deux mentioned. It was not with my lover, it wa with my mother! She is a narc and I bought her illusions which were nothing but control tactics. Took me much too long to realize it, but alas I can see what I put those poor ladies through. HOWEVER I should add I must have chosen to fit my needs OR I was successful in projecting my identification because I found out many of the women I accused WERE unfaithful. Alas, I cannot discount the fact they may have just been making the escape from me. I would have.

5:54 AM  

Please find a very good therapist who understands npd. You can make it through.
He is not your world. You are your world. He is miserable and will be miserable the rest of his life. You have the chance to find peace, acceptance and love yourself again. He never will
Embrace that and fight for yourself.
You will come to see once you are far enough away that his anger and misery will continue. Doesn't matter if she is thinner, prettier or whatever crap he will ruthlessly say to hurt you. Mine told me her vagina was tighter. ( so gross)
I now watch him continue his insanity while I enjoy my peaceful and love filled life. God be with you. Stay strong

10:29 PM  

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