Sanctuary for the Abused

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Betrayal of the Bystanders

by Kathy Krajco

Why do we feel so wronged by the people who believe a narcissist's lies about us? There are a number of reasons, but here is one of the biggest.

It's because their credulity isn't innocent. If a stranger believes some outrageous lie about us, we aren't surprised, and we don't feel wronged by them. But if someone who knows us believes that same lie, we feel betrayed. Guess why?
It's because they have betrayed us by believing that lie about us.
For example, if someone has known you for ten years, they see your track record of conduct for the last ten years. In other words, they have seen how you conduct yourself along this way of life we're bound upon.

No, they don't see everything you've said and done. But they have seen a lot. They have seen you react to many various stimuli.

That track record of yours sketches your character in their eyes. This representation of what kind of person you are is based on your CONDUCT (your words and deeds), not on mere hearsay about you.

So no one, even someone who claims to "know you", should be able to come along and tell them JUST ANYTHING about you.

For example, if you are a gentle person, in ten years that will show. Many times. The people you interact with daily will see sample after sample of you reacting gently to things that most others would react more harshly to.

So no narcissist should be able to come along and insinuate that you are violent.

Likewise if you are honest. In ten years that will show. Many times. The people you interact with daily will see sample after sample of you reacting honestly to things that most others would hedge the truth about.

So no narcissist should be able to come along and insinuate that you are a liar.

Likewise if you are sensible. In ten years that will show. Many times. The people you interact with daily will see sample after sample of you reacting sensibly to things that most others would show poor judgment about.

So no narcissist should be able to come along and insinuate that you are crazy and imagining things.

To believe these things about you they have to unknow everything they know about you. That is, they have to unknow you. They have to revise history. They have to erase that track record of yours.  They exaggerate, assume, say they "know" and figure you are lying... even when you're not --

And that track record is your life. They have to wipe it out.

That takes your life.

Which is why they call it "character assassination."

Your whole life goes up in smoke. And a figment of the imagination is substituted for it.

Those people are not innocent. Indeed, check it out: that is the Original Sin.

Eve committed it when she chose to believe that God was the liar, not the slithering sidewinder who snuck up to her and said, "Really? God told you that? That you would fall if you swallowed this stuff?"

Then Adam committed it worse when he swallowed it, too, just to agree with Eve.

The serpent did the same thing to God that the narcissist does to his victims, whom he slanders to discredit. Adam and Eve did the same thing to God that people do to a narcissist's victim when they believe the lie.

The narcissist's lie is always ironic. For the narcissist is out to smear one of your outstanding GOOD QUALITIES with the semblance of one of his own VICES. So, the allegation is always preposterous. No one who knows you should be fooled by it.

Because it isn't believable. They should know better. But they willfully don't. Because the lie is juicy.

And so, there's nothing like a narc attack
to show you who your real friends are.

Often combined with:
Abuse By Proxy:
An abuser will recruit friends, neighbors, family members, the police, the media…anyone she can find or convince to threaten you, harass you and manipulate you into doing what they want.

(NOTE: If they believe or side with the narcissist - walk away.  Block, Delete, No Contact.  They have been brainwashed and you're trying to explain will be used AGAINST you.  )


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shared by Barbara at 12:10 AM



I've been reading and following. I'm taking in what you are saying. It's so painful...
But for it to come from someone else, the very thing I've thought and tried to convince those who surround me, to no avail...
You have made a big impact. I'm taking steps and I appreciate your help. What you are doing is so profound Barbara...don't give up. People like me need to know these things to get out from under the bondage.
Thank you...

9:53 PM  

I am struck by who these "bystanders" are. I live in the Philippines where there is a predominant Catholic culture, ie., wife serves husband, wife keeps quiet inspite of husband's abuse, wife does not file cases lest there is public scandal. How do you deal with family members (wife's sisters) who are more sympathetic to wife's husband. My own sister wants me to go to the US and stay there illegally, and let my husband go back to the house (which I own by the way because I inherited it) and take care of the kids. My sisters (two of them) are my idea of these sort of "bystanders". What can you advise? Many thanks

11:53 PM  

Very interesting post. The bystanders who turn a blind eye sometimes hurt the worst.

5:41 PM  

Here's one.... yesterday my mother told me (by phone-she lives 9 hours away-THANK YOU GOD!!!!) that the reason for my problems (Army Major husband in jail for Attempted Aggrevated Murder of ME, he's NPD, BPD, PTSD, yada..) is that God is punishing me because I didn't "Honor my Mother and my Father". Is she NPD/BPD too OR WHAT!!!! Can she really think that she is SO POWERFUL that God actually punishes those who she perceives to have wronged her?? Dear God in heaven, help me to get beyond all this through your continued constant presence in my life!! And THANK YOU for opening my eyes and saving my children. No more Mob Family for us!! Only real, honest, truthful love. Real love is a sanctuary and truly lasts forever. I filled my own "love tank" with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit and I am no longer afraid of being alone because I WILL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN. What I thought was 'together' with my husband was my own denial that I was ALWAYS alone with him.

11:59 AM  

RIGHT?!?! Thank you for putting it so bluntly. I am currently awaiting the release from jail in 7 days of my abuser, whom will no doubt come out of jail with many plots and plans to harm me, if not kill me. I am scared to death. Do you think that more than 2 people have even checked on my wellbeing?? My mother lives 5 minutes away and has not stopped by to see if I am okay. He has convinced her I am on drugs and doing them with my children!!! She BELIEVES THIS!! DCF/CPS has been called, of course. My older children do not speak to me at all anymore, as they saw through him long before I did and are angry that I wouldn't let them convince me of how bad of a person he really was and is. My friends...what friends?? I was not allowed to have friends!! Anytime I liked someone enough to become friends with someone, he would give me 100 reasons why that person was not good enough to be around us and he would not allow me to be friends with that person. I have spent most of my 11 years with him, right next to him, because I am apparently not trustworthy enough to allow out of his sight, except of course when he needed me out of his sight, so that he could do anything and or anybody that he wanted .... I hate myself right now!! And this is NOT THE TIME to lay down and die!! He WILL come out of there and he WILL come after me. No court order will stop him from coming to this house!! He has proven that. I NEED support and I do not know where to find it other than through my Domestic Violence pamphlet that the Victim's Advocate (through the police department)gave me. It has pages of phone numbers of people that I can call and reach out to and do you know that THAT is where I have found the most help?? Strangers...WHO are these people?? WHERE do they come from?? I want to hang out with them!! lol Seriously, I am terrified, and I know that somebody else is out there and in a similar or worse position than me and as along and scared as I am right now, I WILL NOT GIVE UP. I will NOT let him pull me back in, I will NOT let him destroy another minute of my life. I WILL Call the numbers of strangers for help if that is what I have to do to survive this. I pray for anyone in my situation to find the courage and the strength to do the same thing. Even if your best friend and your MOMMA do not believe you, YOU CAN STILL leave that miserable life behind and no matter how hard it is, I believe we will be happy we did! :-)

2:54 AM  

Thanks for this great article!!I have been wondering for a year,the why/what etc.Finally,today I get the real answers,in writing!I only have a few friends and my own family left,the rest took off including all my in-laws,that still hurts so much.But it all says
how and who they really are.Painfull for all of us,I really
do feel betrayed,we all do.I hope that some day we will be over it,but it won't be easy.
Want to wish all the others all the best in recovering!!

9:14 AM  

I don't feel so alone now. The betrayal by those we once felt so close to is - there are no words for the pain. But it is comforting to know we can come here and find community with many dealing with the same.
May all the hurting stop. May your new lives start soon.

9:15 AM  

If anything, it helps to know we're not alone in this. I've spent 2 years dealing with the loss of my best friends, because he systematically disabled my support system when I left him. The same people who told me to leave him now spend every weekend and holidays with him!

I didn't think I'd survive the pain and betrayal. It made me start to believe the terrible things he said to me. But finding this site and the Dailystrengths site has helped tremendously. Just to know it's not us, it's them!

Moving on and finding peace and happiness will make us the winners. They'll always be stuck where they were.

1:08 AM  

I do not recommend DailyStrength as they did nothing in a smear campaign against me. may be a better place.

12:30 AM  

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