Sanctuary for the Abused
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Dealing With Control Freaks
by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW
Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.
Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.
The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak
The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.
Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.
Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.
Repetition Compulsion
Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.
Two Types of Control Freaks
Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.
Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.
Some Coping Strategies
1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.
2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.
3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.
4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.
5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.
6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.
7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.
8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”
Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.
In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you.
Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.
SOURCE
Labels: agenda, control freak, degraded, lies, manipulation, no contact
23 Comments:
I've been there. It's such a horrible place to be.
You've got a great site here with a great idea behind it. Go you.
~Sin
~SinsSecret.blogspot.com
Control freaks are the most irritating form of life I have come across. If you have a family member who is like this it is very difficult to turn your back on them which is what they deserve. They have no conscience since everything they do is a consequence of your actions. Every simple request is a battle of wills. They feed of negative energy and are the eternal victims. Why this condition is not listed as a mental illness in the DSM1V is a mystery to me!
I,too, deal with a controlling husband. He is the nicest guy you would every want to meet, except with me. With me he is abusive. I would love to hear stories of women who have dealt with (or are still dealing with)controlling, abusive husbands.
Anonymous ask for more info
http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/
Here is a link to a site that has some info on this matter. You could also look up info on Narcissistic Personality Disorder since all Narcissists are control freaks, although the opposite isn't true!
I have a controlling husband as well and it is the most challenging thing I have ever dealt with and quite frankly, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have ever married the guy. However, I did marry him and now I have to deal with the consequences. The problem ever dealt with. We have been married almost six years and with this type of person is that they also tend to exhibit abusive behaviors and getting sucked into that life is very dangerous, not only physically, but emotionally. My heart goes out to anyone who is involved in a relationship of this type. I am still trying to figure out what to do. I know in my heart what I should do, but it is very difficult when you have children and when the economy is in a downward spiral.
Anonymous with the controlling husband.
Its hard to know what to do. ie leave your husband or continue due to financial pressures. If you choose the latter I suggest you read up as much as you can about controlling behaviours, types and methods used so you are better able to defend yourself emotionally from this form of abuse. Don't try to out control the controller, it will only be seen as a challenge to their perceived superiority. Just ensure they fail in their attempts and sit back and enjoy their frustration. You will be called stubborn and unreasonable etc. This is a projection of their own inadequacies on to you. The best reaction is no reaction especially anger because if they make you angry they are controlling your emotions, and succeeding in their task, and you are likely to loose your objectivity and say something which will be thrown back in your face later to make you feel in the wrong again (controlled again). In short, you can't win unless you move away salvaging as much as you can. Don't fall into the trap of the controller moving you away and putting the blame on you and finding you are the looser in financial and emotional terms.
jbgood2
My husband is also controlling. He's not physically abusive but sometimes he can be emotionally abusive. Sometimes I feel so inadequate. It seems like no matter what I do he's never happy. He tells me what to where and how to speak. He's extremely critical. I can rarely go anywhere with my girlfriends. If I do go anywhere I must give him a time I will be home and if I am late he gets so angry. He goes from 0 to 60 in 1.2 seconds. He's always on 10. He yells at me alot.
I married a control fraek 45 years ago, back then it was acceptable to slap me about and intimidate me and make me feel ugly and worthless, not fit for him, gradually through help from my three sons Im more in control of things, and have been the breadwinner for past 5 years, but he wants to know where I am constantly ringing calling me a liar if I explain where I am, stopping my kids and grandkids from visiting etc, Ive really had a life from hell, but guess what my advice is? WALK AWAY! I am this wekk, and boy oh boy it will be so good to be free again
Anon at 1:57
Congratulations for deciding to move away. It is not acceptable behaviour for anyone to be treated the way you have. The implication that you are ugly and worthless begs the question why did your husband marry/stay with you? Answer. In order to control you and keep you down in order for him to feel superior. He crosses personal boundaries by using the kids against you. He projects his personality on you. ie He calls you a liar and I would bet a pound to a penny that he is a liar. He has bullied you for 45 years yet you stayed with him. This indicates how controlling he is rather than any failing on your part. I suggest he is a Narcissist and that you research this subject and see if he fits the profile. If so, you have to realise that you have been living with an insane person rather than a man acting in a "male chauvinist pig" fashion, and consider what damage he has done to you and the kids. Do not feel sorry for him, nor guilty for any of your actions. A Narc will play on it.
Try this link about Narcissism. It was written by a layperson, (who has also written a book on the subject) for the layperson and provides a good insight into Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com
Good luck.
jbgood2
One of the things people need to realise about control freaks is that they are abnormal.
"Normal" people attempt to rationalise this behaviour into terms they understand. In so doing you are providing an excuse for the behaviour and ensuring its continuation. Why would a control freak or Narcissist change when those they control find their behaviour acceptable?
eg. Do not accept possessiveness as evidence of caring or loving. This shows a lack of trust and personal inadequacy on the part of the control freak often packaged with comments like "It's not you I don't trust. It's the other men. I'm only concerned for you etc etc." See it for what it is (total bs) and don't go along with the idea.
jbgood2
Anon @3:13am
"My husband is also controlling. He's not physically abusive but sometimes he can be emotionally abusive."
Good to see you have identified the problem rather than brush it under the carpet!
"Sometimes I feel so inadequate. It seems like no matter what I do he's never happy."
You have failed to make him happy. Oh Boo Hoo for him. You never will, because to do so will make you feel adequate, you are supposed to feel inadequate so that he can feel adequate and superior. ie He will project his inadequacies onto you!
"He tells me what to where and how to speak. He's extremely critical."
He is crossing personal boundaries. It is not his business to dictate to anyone how they dress.
"I can rarely go anywhere with my girlfriends. If I do go anywhere I must give him a time I will be home and if I am late he gets so angry. He goes from 0 to 60 in 1.2 seconds. He's always on 10. He yells at me alot."
"He's always on 10. He yells at me alot."
Of course! You know what to expect if you do not behave in the way he demands. It's called bullying. You live with a bully. I don't know if you find it exciting or not but I suggest you might find it more fun to live with someone who can communicate on more levels than bullying to get their way! I bet he wasn't like that when you met. He had to get you into his web before slowly starting the manipulation.
jbgood2
I am a newly married guy and I am concerned that i may be a control freak and I don't want it to ruin my marriage. Since getting married, my wife has significantly reduced cooking, cleaning, and other daily chores. She also has a ton of credit cards, which she keeps hidden from me. With all the financial havoc out there due to bad credit and with the responsibilities I have with work, I can't manage it all by myself, but my wife is putting a lot of responsibility on me. If I try to control her, I come across as a controlling jerk and she cries...what do I do??? Thanks!
My mom is married to someone who is 24 years older than her. She has been controlled for over 35 years now. Down to what she wears to never even being able to leave the same room he is in. He has to watch her constantly. When she leaves the room he panics. We did not have a very fun childhood. I thought it would get better when we all grew up and left. Now it is worse because she is home without any escape. I feel guilty for leaving her to have a life of my own. I don't know how to help her. She cries a lot and talks to me a lot about it but I don't know what to tell her or how to help her. I offered for her to come live with me. She since she has been in it for so long she feels guilty for leaving since he is so old. She buries herself in work. Moms a wonderful woman and I feel sorry for her.
Eric,
Be honest with your wife. Speak about your concerns for the economy, the money you both are earning, how you will pay for bills, the credit cards/debit cards she had, and the credit cards/debit cards you have.
Just discuss what's going on with both of you, and don't yell or anything. Sometimes yelling or some action like that makes another person get defensive and start to get upset.
But, many discussions may get crazy until you two get the subject out in the open. Also, discuss what's on your mind about responsiblities.
It helps to get things out to discuss, that's a mistake in my family, we don't talk.
Controlling can make you look like a jerk, but things can't be worked when you stay silent. Marraiges are about two people the wife and the husband, talking and working on the marriage by handling events around them and working together in one way or another.
You won't always be on the same page, but I think you know that. You are smart because you are trying to get things straight with your wife and make your lives keep working in a direction that makes you more mature.
Also, the two of you can plan on a chore schedule of what you both need or must do on each day. It is hard for one person to get everything done, and working together will build your relationship because you are meeting each other half-way.
Take care of your wife, you honestly want to work things out.
Anonymous
You are feeling guilty for leaving your mom because you love her and are happy to get out of that situation.
This makes you want to help her. To help her, I think you should bring good things into her life. To introduce her to feeling good about herself and helping her in her controlled relationship, give her compliments and thank her for things she has done for you and helped you with. Give her praise and show her the love you feel for her. If she shys away from it, tell her "Mom you're great you deserve to feel good about yourself and be able to fill your life with some comfort."
Some controllers can lose their control when you help the people they control start to feel better, but after many years she will be dealing with trying to be normal again, feeling she has her own permission to take back her life, mind, and personality.
Tell her she should not feel guilty for wanting to leave, I wish my Daddy would change for I refuse to walk on eggshells for him, but I love him and do not want to make bratty demands that seem unresonable. He is a control freak, but he enjoys it, and I have taken all control back from him.
This is why I say that control freak relationships are unfair and hard to balance because everything must be given up for one person, the conroller.
Your mom has every right to be happy, and not have to do things against her will, like do everything her husband tells her. Marriage has two people, and each should be allowed to talk, have a life, and show their personality. A controller can not be changed, and in their own way they lead happy lives because they force others to do as they say. They want to be the leader, and will do anything to make sure it stays that way. That is wrong because it is not realistic that everyone will do as they say, and it means the controller is not owning up to the responsiblity of being an adult, which means they can get along with others by being themselves.
But, I do not wish to assign blame, for that will lead to more resentment for you.
Be there for your mom, and tell her she can't change her husband, and she doesn't need to. Whether she leaves him or not, he will be the same way. It is her who must change by sorting out her feelings and making some decisons.
Also, does she want to get some help say speak to someone, perhaps a friend in a similiar situation? I encourage you to help her any way you can and get her information about controlling behavior. Knowledge will allow her to understand she is not alone in living around a control freak, and she can start to take back the only true power we are born with, the right to control our own life.
I have witnessed repeated displays of my boyfrineds insecurity manifested in angry outburts which tonight were over the top. I am not PLAYING THE I AM WEARING THE RING AND THENNOT WEARING THE RING GAME he asked for it back in a fit... I left the meeting and retreated hom and chatted with my friend. She suggested I blog this and I did.... instead of retyping it all here please read if you have nay thoughts please comment ...
oops
http://mapletreemonologues.blogspot.com/
I am so thankful for finding this site. I am also with a narcissistic control freak. We aren't married, thank heaven, and at least I know we will never go down that road. I just need to vent a little because I have no one to be honest with.
I'm tired of always being wrong... always being the crazy one when I share with him how badly he hurts me... being called too sensitive and a horrible mother... being treated like a lesser human being... being treated like a prostitute...
He won't help me renew my tags on my car (so I can't leave, or even go to work on my own). But I think it's going to be ok... I'm making a plan. Saving my money and getting out. It will take time, but I will do it.
Thank you for giving me a safe outlet to release my thoughts.
jbgood2
we deleted your message. the support board you listed is NOT a recommended site by me. my dealings with them were not positive, supportive or validating. I would never recommend them to anyone.
sorry.
Barbara
Fair enough. I found them to be OK and there are not that many sites that deal with those involved with Narcissists.
I suggest that Anonymous@8:23 seeks support from those with some experience of dealing with Narcissists (plus some reading)!
jbgood2
Most of the women there are from the Vaknin/ Femfree forums. I know enough about them for years now to know they can't be trusted.
This site recommends:
http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com/forum
or
http://www.lisaescott.com
for support for victims of narcissists and other pathologicals.
I too, live with a control freak/bully, and am in the process of divorcing him. I am so thrilled to be getting away from him -- feeling like i'm getting a second life. And I, like anonymous, have also been searching for a forum for women to share their experiences of dealing with or have dealt with controlling husbands. I'm looking for pitfalls to watch for, best way to protect children, helping give them skills to dealing with it -- i certainly don't have good answers, etc. Thanks for this site.
What if both parties in the relationship are control freaks? I have recently started dating someone that is very insecure (admittedly) and when I tried doing research on some of the problems we have, I figured out that we are both acting like control freaks. This makes a little sense given our situations, which I won't get into here. My biggest question is, where can we find information on trust building exercises? Obviously based upon what I'm reading, we are both insecure about various things, and are using control to cover that up. So how do we cope? We both care very much for each other and are willing to put forth the effort to make it work, we just need direction.
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