Sanctuary for the Abused
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Dealing With Control Freaks
 |
| OR WOMAN! |
by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW
Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.
Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.
The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak
The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.
Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.
Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.
Repetition Compulsion
Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.
Two Types of Control Freaks
Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their anxiety in a self absorbed way. They just want to feel better and are not even very aware of you. You will notice and hear their agitation and tentativeness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking to you.
Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their anxiety but they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to diminish you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to prevail; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.
Some Coping Strategies
1) Stay as calm as you can. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Try to focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, just breath slowly and deeply. If you stay calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get agitated you have joined the battle on their terms.
2) Speak very slowly. Again the normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.
3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. In fact, they do not have that much to say. They have a lot to say if you engage them in a power struggle. If you just listen carefully and ask good questions that indicate that you have heard them, then they will quickly resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.
4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.
5) Initially, let them control the agenda. But you control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.
6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. You will jam them up.
7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns.
8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”
Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.
In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you.
Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.
SOURCE
Labels: agenda, control, control freak, degraded, lies, manipulation, narcissist, no contact, psychopath, sociopath
200 Comments:
I've been there. It's such a horrible place to be.
You've got a great site here with a great idea behind it. Go you.
~Sin
~SinsSecret.blogspot.com
Control freaks are the most irritating form of life I have come across. If you have a family member who is like this it is very difficult to turn your back on them which is what they deserve. They have no conscience since everything they do is a consequence of your actions. Every simple request is a battle of wills. They feed of negative energy and are the eternal victims. Why this condition is not listed as a mental illness in the DSM1V is a mystery to me!
I,too, deal with a controlling husband. He is the nicest guy you would every want to meet, except with me. With me he is abusive. I would love to hear stories of women who have dealt with (or are still dealing with)controlling, abusive husbands.
Anonymous ask for more info
http://saveyourmarriage.co.uk/is-your-spouse-a-control-freak/
Here is a link to a site that has some info on this matter. You could also look up info on Narcissistic Personality Disorder since all Narcissists are control freaks, although the opposite isn't true!
I have a controlling husband as well and it is the most challenging thing I have ever dealt with and quite frankly, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have ever married the guy. However, I did marry him and now I have to deal with the consequences. The problem ever dealt with. We have been married almost six years and with this type of person is that they also tend to exhibit abusive behaviors and getting sucked into that life is very dangerous, not only physically, but emotionally. My heart goes out to anyone who is involved in a relationship of this type. I am still trying to figure out what to do. I know in my heart what I should do, but it is very difficult when you have children and when the economy is in a downward spiral.
Anonymous with the controlling husband.
Its hard to know what to do. ie leave your husband or continue due to financial pressures. If you choose the latter I suggest you read up as much as you can about controlling behaviours, types and methods used so you are better able to defend yourself emotionally from this form of abuse. Don't try to out control the controller, it will only be seen as a challenge to their perceived superiority. Just ensure they fail in their attempts and sit back and enjoy their frustration. You will be called stubborn and unreasonable etc. This is a projection of their own inadequacies on to you. The best reaction is no reaction especially anger because if they make you angry they are controlling your emotions, and succeeding in their task, and you are likely to loose your objectivity and say something which will be thrown back in your face later to make you feel in the wrong again (controlled again). In short, you can't win unless you move away salvaging as much as you can. Don't fall into the trap of the controller moving you away and putting the blame on you and finding you are the looser in financial and emotional terms.
jbgood2
My husband is also controlling. He's not physically abusive but sometimes he can be emotionally abusive. Sometimes I feel so inadequate. It seems like no matter what I do he's never happy. He tells me what to where and how to speak. He's extremely critical. I can rarely go anywhere with my girlfriends. If I do go anywhere I must give him a time I will be home and if I am late he gets so angry. He goes from 0 to 60 in 1.2 seconds. He's always on 10. He yells at me alot.
I married a control fraek 45 years ago, back then it was acceptable to slap me about and intimidate me and make me feel ugly and worthless, not fit for him, gradually through help from my three sons Im more in control of things, and have been the breadwinner for past 5 years, but he wants to know where I am constantly ringing calling me a liar if I explain where I am, stopping my kids and grandkids from visiting etc, Ive really had a life from hell, but guess what my advice is? WALK AWAY! I am this wekk, and boy oh boy it will be so good to be free again
Anon at 1:57
Congratulations for deciding to move away. It is not acceptable behaviour for anyone to be treated the way you have. The implication that you are ugly and worthless begs the question why did your husband marry/stay with you? Answer. In order to control you and keep you down in order for him to feel superior. He crosses personal boundaries by using the kids against you. He projects his personality on you. ie He calls you a liar and I would bet a pound to a penny that he is a liar. He has bullied you for 45 years yet you stayed with him. This indicates how controlling he is rather than any failing on your part. I suggest he is a Narcissist and that you research this subject and see if he fits the profile. If so, you have to realise that you have been living with an insane person rather than a man acting in a "male chauvinist pig" fashion, and consider what damage he has done to you and the kids. Do not feel sorry for him, nor guilty for any of your actions. A Narc will play on it.
Try this link about Narcissism. It was written by a layperson, (who has also written a book on the subject) for the layperson and provides a good insight into Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com
Good luck.
jbgood2
One of the things people need to realise about control freaks is that they are abnormal.
"Normal" people attempt to rationalise this behaviour into terms they understand. In so doing you are providing an excuse for the behaviour and ensuring its continuation. Why would a control freak or Narcissist change when those they control find their behaviour acceptable?
eg. Do not accept possessiveness as evidence of caring or loving. This shows a lack of trust and personal inadequacy on the part of the control freak often packaged with comments like "It's not you I don't trust. It's the other men. I'm only concerned for you etc etc." See it for what it is (total bs) and don't go along with the idea.
jbgood2
Anon @3:13am
"My husband is also controlling. He's not physically abusive but sometimes he can be emotionally abusive."
Good to see you have identified the problem rather than brush it under the carpet!
"Sometimes I feel so inadequate. It seems like no matter what I do he's never happy."
You have failed to make him happy. Oh Boo Hoo for him. You never will, because to do so will make you feel adequate, you are supposed to feel inadequate so that he can feel adequate and superior. ie He will project his inadequacies onto you!
"He tells me what to where and how to speak. He's extremely critical."
He is crossing personal boundaries. It is not his business to dictate to anyone how they dress.
"I can rarely go anywhere with my girlfriends. If I do go anywhere I must give him a time I will be home and if I am late he gets so angry. He goes from 0 to 60 in 1.2 seconds. He's always on 10. He yells at me alot."
"He's always on 10. He yells at me alot."
Of course! You know what to expect if you do not behave in the way he demands. It's called bullying. You live with a bully. I don't know if you find it exciting or not but I suggest you might find it more fun to live with someone who can communicate on more levels than bullying to get their way! I bet he wasn't like that when you met. He had to get you into his web before slowly starting the manipulation.
jbgood2
I am a newly married guy and I am concerned that i may be a control freak and I don't want it to ruin my marriage. Since getting married, my wife has significantly reduced cooking, cleaning, and other daily chores. She also has a ton of credit cards, which she keeps hidden from me. With all the financial havoc out there due to bad credit and with the responsibilities I have with work, I can't manage it all by myself, but my wife is putting a lot of responsibility on me. If I try to control her, I come across as a controlling jerk and she cries...what do I do??? Thanks!
My mom is married to someone who is 24 years older than her. She has been controlled for over 35 years now. Down to what she wears to never even being able to leave the same room he is in. He has to watch her constantly. When she leaves the room he panics. We did not have a very fun childhood. I thought it would get better when we all grew up and left. Now it is worse because she is home without any escape. I feel guilty for leaving her to have a life of my own. I don't know how to help her. She cries a lot and talks to me a lot about it but I don't know what to tell her or how to help her. I offered for her to come live with me. She since she has been in it for so long she feels guilty for leaving since he is so old. She buries herself in work. Moms a wonderful woman and I feel sorry for her.
Eric,
Be honest with your wife. Speak about your concerns for the economy, the money you both are earning, how you will pay for bills, the credit cards/debit cards she had, and the credit cards/debit cards you have.
Just discuss what's going on with both of you, and don't yell or anything. Sometimes yelling or some action like that makes another person get defensive and start to get upset.
But, many discussions may get crazy until you two get the subject out in the open. Also, discuss what's on your mind about responsiblities.
It helps to get things out to discuss, that's a mistake in my family, we don't talk.
Controlling can make you look like a jerk, but things can't be worked when you stay silent. Marraiges are about two people the wife and the husband, talking and working on the marriage by handling events around them and working together in one way or another.
You won't always be on the same page, but I think you know that. You are smart because you are trying to get things straight with your wife and make your lives keep working in a direction that makes you more mature.
Also, the two of you can plan on a chore schedule of what you both need or must do on each day. It is hard for one person to get everything done, and working together will build your relationship because you are meeting each other half-way.
Take care of your wife, you honestly want to work things out.
Anonymous
You are feeling guilty for leaving your mom because you love her and are happy to get out of that situation.
This makes you want to help her. To help her, I think you should bring good things into her life. To introduce her to feeling good about herself and helping her in her controlled relationship, give her compliments and thank her for things she has done for you and helped you with. Give her praise and show her the love you feel for her. If she shys away from it, tell her "Mom you're great you deserve to feel good about yourself and be able to fill your life with some comfort."
Some controllers can lose their control when you help the people they control start to feel better, but after many years she will be dealing with trying to be normal again, feeling she has her own permission to take back her life, mind, and personality.
Tell her she should not feel guilty for wanting to leave, I wish my Daddy would change for I refuse to walk on eggshells for him, but I love him and do not want to make bratty demands that seem unresonable. He is a control freak, but he enjoys it, and I have taken all control back from him.
This is why I say that control freak relationships are unfair and hard to balance because everything must be given up for one person, the conroller.
Your mom has every right to be happy, and not have to do things against her will, like do everything her husband tells her. Marriage has two people, and each should be allowed to talk, have a life, and show their personality. A controller can not be changed, and in their own way they lead happy lives because they force others to do as they say. They want to be the leader, and will do anything to make sure it stays that way. That is wrong because it is not realistic that everyone will do as they say, and it means the controller is not owning up to the responsiblity of being an adult, which means they can get along with others by being themselves.
But, I do not wish to assign blame, for that will lead to more resentment for you.
Be there for your mom, and tell her she can't change her husband, and she doesn't need to. Whether she leaves him or not, he will be the same way. It is her who must change by sorting out her feelings and making some decisons.
Also, does she want to get some help say speak to someone, perhaps a friend in a similiar situation? I encourage you to help her any way you can and get her information about controlling behavior. Knowledge will allow her to understand she is not alone in living around a control freak, and she can start to take back the only true power we are born with, the right to control our own life.
I have witnessed repeated displays of my boyfrineds insecurity manifested in angry outburts which tonight were over the top. I am not PLAYING THE I AM WEARING THE RING AND THENNOT WEARING THE RING GAME he asked for it back in a fit... I left the meeting and retreated hom and chatted with my friend. She suggested I blog this and I did.... instead of retyping it all here please read if you have nay thoughts please comment ...
oops
http://mapletreemonologues.blogspot.com/
I am so thankful for finding this site. I am also with a narcissistic control freak. We aren't married, thank heaven, and at least I know we will never go down that road. I just need to vent a little because I have no one to be honest with.
I'm tired of always being wrong... always being the crazy one when I share with him how badly he hurts me... being called too sensitive and a horrible mother... being treated like a lesser human being... being treated like a prostitute...
He won't help me renew my tags on my car (so I can't leave, or even go to work on my own). But I think it's going to be ok... I'm making a plan. Saving my money and getting out. It will take time, but I will do it.
Thank you for giving me a safe outlet to release my thoughts.
jbgood2
we deleted your message. the support board you listed is NOT a recommended site by me. my dealings with them were not positive, supportive or validating. I would never recommend them to anyone.
sorry.
Barbara
Fair enough. I found them to be OK and there are not that many sites that deal with those involved with Narcissists.
I suggest that Anonymous@8:23 seeks support from those with some experience of dealing with Narcissists (plus some reading)!
jbgood2
I too, live with a control freak/bully, and am in the process of divorcing him. I am so thrilled to be getting away from him -- feeling like i'm getting a second life. And I, like anonymous, have also been searching for a forum for women to share their experiences of dealing with or have dealt with controlling husbands. I'm looking for pitfalls to watch for, best way to protect children, helping give them skills to dealing with it -- i certainly don't have good answers, etc. Thanks for this site.
What if both parties in the relationship are control freaks? I have recently started dating someone that is very insecure (admittedly) and when I tried doing research on some of the problems we have, I figured out that we are both acting like control freaks. This makes a little sense given our situations, which I won't get into here. My biggest question is, where can we find information on trust building exercises? Obviously based upon what I'm reading, we are both insecure about various things, and are using control to cover that up. So how do we cope? We both care very much for each other and are willing to put forth the effort to make it work, we just need direction.
OMG i thought i was alone ive lived wiv my partner 15yrs he dont think he has a problem ? ill say this if it was not 4 my 3 childern all under 10 oldest being 9 i would have taken my life a long time ago cos his never gonna let me go he thinks he owns me im his property ! ive lived his ways 4 so long i no know diff i cry 4 the life my kids are growing up in always shouting and the swear words he uses 2 call me and the kids cunts mines fat cunt im a size 12 had 3 kids ? i no its all wrong but ?????????????? :-(
Jeff
I doubt that you are both control freaks. It would be unusual for two CF's to enter voluntarily into a mutual arrangement although Narcissistic control freaks can do so on occasions if its to their mutual benefit but its unlikely they would go into self examination or admit insecurities as you both have (unless it offered the possibility to gain some advantage and would not be genuine).
It seems you are both possibly codependent types. You mention your situations but give no details although I guess there could be a history of bad experiences leading to a lack of trust.
Control freaks need people to control in order to feel validated. Or in the case of Narcissistic CF's to gain "supply" (the equivalent of a drug to a junkie). The codependent gives or supplies what the person with a problem needs. Needless to say the codependent is frequently abused and acquires a distrust of others motives.
If two codependent people form a relationship they can bring baggage with them including trust issues from previous relationships.
Trying to control your life and possibly others to prevent yourself being hurt is slightly different to attempting to control others for your own selfish benefit at the cost of those you control and damage as a consequence.
A skilled control freak can spot a codependent personality in a crowd a mile off and will home in on them for a feed.
If you are of this type it could be that you recognise it in each other and fear you both could be easily manipulated by others.
Looking into codependent behaviour and a look at the previous experiences of both parties could bring you closer together, if you are of this type.
jbgood
estaff
No you are not alone. I'll bet he doesn't treat you and the kids bad in front of others! "Keep it in the family" as they say.
Read up on control freaks, bullies and codependent behaviour and take a hard think about leaving ASAP imo.
Even if you confront your partner and he realises you mean business I doubt he will change even if he promises to do so, and you give him a chance. Don't forget that if he behaves properly for a while your self esteem will rise. If he betrays your trust and reneges on his promises your self esteem will plummet leaving you weaker than before. Avoid this at all cost.
You have mentioned he has made you feel suicidal. This should not be taken lightly. Depression can make you lose your objectivity. Judgments and decision making processes can become impaired.
You are not alone, it could be worth seeing your doctor who might supply details of where to get help.
Don't forget its your partner who has the problem yet its you (and your kids) who are suffering. ie he has projected or dumped his problem on you.
jbgood
Firstly i have enjoyed reading the article about being patient and loving with control freaks, and then reading the comments by many people who feel that in being patient they have suffered from years of abuse, and advising to walk away. i also see a lot of comments from people who have had male partners who are said to be control freaks, but not many people mentioning how women they know are control freaks.
i would like to add that i have met quite a number of female control freaks, and also bosses or fellow workers who have the same problems. it is not always easy to see a female friend having the problem if you get along and go along with most things they instigate because of shared interests, but you find out should you ever perhaps start to dare to have interests or ideas that challenge the "friend". The this nice person or nice co worker with control issues can become very threatening, and you wonder why you never saw their abusive side.
My sister and I were raised in a dysfunctional enviroment. We were both always full of anxiety due to verbal and physical abuse. With this being said my sister has suffered from Control Freak mental illness since her early teens. However, today at 38 years old, my sister is doing significantly better thanks to a med called Zoloft and weekly therapy. I also take a low dosage of Zoloft plus Xanax for anxiety.
Thank you mom and dad!
Today is day 6 away from my husband. We are starting divorce proceedings now. I was with him for two years. He used to lock me in the house with no way to get out in an emergency, he used to degrade and belittle me at every opportunity, even when there were other people around. i was not allowed to work, or have friends or go out. I am 20. He is 29. I read about emotional abuse and it seemed as if someone was writing about our relationship, that's how similar it was. It remainded emotional abuse for two years, and then, 6 days ago, he hit me. i left him right there and then and, although it's really hard, i won't go back. even now, i find myself lost and disorientated because i have had someone else telling me what i may and may not do, the whens, wheres, whats, if, etc, and now i have freedom. i can do whatever i like. its a bit overwhelming, but life shoudn't be like that. if you are in that situation, yes, you do love them, but you need to realise that they can't change who they are.it will not get better. you deserve better so GET OUT! NOW!
Soo...how do us guys keep this behavior down? I'm scared this is going to be me. I don't lock her in the house or follow her car around. But I do get angry at times when we disagree. I wonder if she heard me out instead of arguing combatively and ignoring me. Therapy or counseling for both of us? I don't want to go down this path. Everything in this article describes the feelings that I have, though to a lesser degree. I'm worried this will escalate and don't want to have to live thinking I'm an abusive partner.
Fat American Ex-Coastie
The fact that you could recognise this shows that you can relax because you have identififed a problem before it becomes one. However, don't fool yourself, everyone is entitled to get engry when they've argued with a loved one because they refuse to see your point of view of even consider it, as long as that anger doesn't turn violent. I think you should be totally honest with her, sit her down maybe at dinner or whatever, and tell her that you don't like arguing, and can the two of you not somehow come to an agreement of, when faced with opposing opinions, talking about it rationally. If then you still cannot agree on the issue, you two can agree to disagree.
I'm developmentally disabled and have to live with my parents because, even at 42 years of age, I still require living assistance. And because I live in a rural neighborhood and can't work or drive a car, transportation is scarce, and I am only able to get out of the house if someone is available to take me anywhere. Unfortunately, this is rare, and that is why I don't have a job or any means to get out and socialize. I stay home most of the time, and I spend the majority of my time at home alone in my bedroom, with my computer, phone, TV, books, catalogs, and writing materials, and my doll hobby being the only world I'll ever know, which is why I can't afford to lose any of it and constantly worry that I will lose it all if I make one little slip-up that could be the end of everything I have. You see, my dad is an emotionally abusive control freak, and if he ever found out I'm using disposable diapers on my doll, even buying them with my own money, he will totally freak out and take away my doll, my computer and phone, and my TV, and he will either donate it all or make me throw it all away. Just because I'm enjoying my right as a grown woman to support my doll hobby and spend my own money the way I want to and feel I have a right to. Apparently, my dad thinks that because I'm disabled and will never be able to function like other adults my age, he has the right to treat me like a child and control everything I do, including how I spend my money, how much time I spend shopping, what I say in front of him, and how I say it. I have very little freedom when I'm at home. The only time I can enjoy any freedom is if my dad isn't home, if I'm out with a friend, or if my mother and I are doing something fun together without my dad around. That's it. So, what's the good news? Well, the good news is, as soon as I use up all of my disposable diapers, I'll be starting on cloth diapers, but only to keep my dad from getting mad at me and punishing me just for trying to enjoy something that he doesn't like and will never understand. Also, if I can make a trial run a success (two have failed so far), I should be moving in with a close friend of mine soon. Oh, and by the way, feelings and emotions aren't allowed in my house, either. If I express myself in any way in front of my dad, even if I'm angry or frustrated, I am either yelled at, punished, threatened with punishment, ridiculed, or laughed at, so apparently, I'm not a human being entitled to needs, feelings, or emotions, either. I am ordered around like a slave, too, and if I don't do what my dad says, he gets mad and makes me feel bad about myself. Plus, he ignores me and doesn't always listen to everything I tell him. I'm a nobody, and my dad couldn't care less.
This type of behavior is very common and i honestly think it isn't a condition. I think it comes about because of different circumstances.
For me, it was because i was involved in a Long Distance Relationship...
How it came out with me was that after a while, i begun to get frustrated with the fact that i would get times where i would see her on webcam (as it was out only form of communication) and was not able to touch her or be intimate with her...
This got me really depressed which got her really depressed as it made her task one of trying to pick me back off the ground whenever we spoke which took away tonnes of her energy... Looking at it now, i realise that none of this was her fault...
When she broke it off, she tried explaining this to me and i couldn't see it at the time... A month went by and i was still down because now we were apart, and then i found out that a day later she broke off with me, she found someone else...
Instead of being happy for her, i became angry because of how soon it was for her to break it off with me, to then fall for another person straight afterwards, and questioning whether her love for me was real or not...
She was treating this guy in exactly the same way as she was with me when we were together, which made me jealous.
We eventually broke our ties completely with her calling me a control freak, how my family can't see this with me and then asking me to get some help...
I now wonder if whether i am suffering from this condition or not... I loved this girl to bits, and when i went to visit her in Holland on both occasions, things between us were perfect...
We both gave each other space and were both really happy...
Whats the best way to get over this condition? Cos i really don't want to make the same mistakes again and feel like i've lost the love of my life, and have never felt for someone as much as i did for her...
This is what I recently told the bully control freak that I am dealing with...
"I trump your psychopathy and anti-social personality disorder
with an extreme case of complex post traumatic stress disorder
which makes me equally as dangerous,
and is many times more viable of a defense in a court of law."
so i have symptoms of borderline personality and manic depressive. i am grown child i am also male to female transsexual. i feel like i fit type 2 control freak with the bpd.
i survived 28 rs with my mother who is a control freak a small part of my problems comes from the fact tshe had to control everything of my life and well she destroyed by being to proctive or i not going loose family over this. she is very accepting i tried due to family due to my dog who is reincarnated soul and i witnessed it my belief let me have it and becaues i am mentally ill and disabled.
i finally said i had enough get better that includes my father who is a cohdenpent he survived abuse from his parents and yet he allows me to be abused. and i ahve brother and sister inlaw my brother is an addictive conveinces himself he is clean my sister law trust me i know he clean or i wouldve seen it most addicts are very secretive how do i know i am or was one. until fammily changes i cut them out my life they say i ma being unreasonable am i your affecting my life. your are almost like gods of perfaction as being good people but u still got a negative side i cant deal with.
I just recently broke up with my controlling fiance. I didn't even realise what was happening for most of the relationship. He'd freak out about other guys emailing or texting me and get so unreasonable angry about it. He told me it was just because he wasn't use to caring or loving someone and I believed him.
If things didn't go his way he'd withhold his love so I'd be begging him to forgive me. He'd make me feel guilty for not putting him first constantly.
I used to be a really social girl but he changed me so that I only went out with him. I started to miss my friends a lot. When things went his way we were so happy and got on so well. I'm finding it so hard to deal with the break up. I miss him and it would be so easy to go running back to him but websites and shared experiences like these are helping me be strong.
After finding this blog about control freaks and reading all the comments posted I have realised that im not alone. It has made me feel stronger and has given me information and advice that i never thought id get. I didnt ever think that there were others out there suffering and coping just like me. I never thought anyone would listen or understand. I have spoke to people that I thought were my friends. That I thought i could trust but its no good. Family members get angry and take my side but dont truely understand. But this has really helped me. Thank you to all that have posted comments. Now I know im not alone, im not going crazy, i am a good person and I can have my life back. I just need to find the confidence to do it and not be afraid. I need to believe in myself and not what Im hearing. Its hard though as on a low day i truely believe that Im no good and wish my life would end as this to be my only way out. I cant leave but need to learn how to live with it! I want to find an escape, like talking to someone that cares, that understands. I like to talk to get it off my chest but have now run out of people to talk to that aren't involved, caring, understanding. Is there any other chat places that i could get help and advice or just voice off?
I have read this artcle and comments with much interest. I myself was in a controlling relationship which I managed to walk away from 18months ago. It meant having to quit my job and move back in with my mum as I had moved a considerable distance away to be with this man (We initially had a long distance relationship, so i moved to his home, giving up a job i loved and the familiar surroundings where i had a loving family and friends) It may seem hard to believe but i never noticed the warning signs before we moved in together, but once I was there, with him, things seemed to change rapidly, I never realised how controlling he could be!. I wont go into detail as even now, it makes me feel tense (as well as damn lucky I got out) But now I have my freedom and it is priceless! Being able to choose my own holidays, listen to my own music, watch the tv programmes I want, leave my flat as tidy or as messy as I want! Hell even choosing the washing powder and fabric conditioner i like is a blessing i once didnt have! I have a job I love and a little studio flat that suits my needs, plus a little car that I always wanted.
I just wanted to say to all those who have left this type of relationship, well done! and to those still in one, I urge you to think very strongly about leaving. These individuals will never change, they cant! It isnt, never has been, and never will be your fault that they act the way they do. I am proof that there is life (and happiness) after leaving. Yes I have to use my overdaft facility, but thats a tiny price to pay for the complete freedom of now being my own boss and breadwinner. I had to seek counselling, but i found it very beneficial. I had to grieve the loss of this man even though he didnt die, it was for the loss of the dream of 'happily ever after'. It took me awhile, but i got there! And if I can do it, so can you! If reading my story here helps even only one person find the courage to walk away, I will be even happier still! You have the right to live the life you choose however you choose. You were not put on this planet to be controlled and bullied by others.
I really hope sharing my story helps others
A xx
Fantastic article! I am in the throws of dealing with my hurt at the hands of a control freak, my boyfriend. I didn't understand why he was the way he was with me, I kept trying to keep him happy and now know that I couldn't have, now I know he is a control freak. Lots of damage he has done, he has put me through tests at his own admittance,set me up in situations, horrendously emotional ones. He is type 2.
People use the term control freak loosely but don't realise how specific a control freaks behaviour is and that it is a personality disorder.
Really informative article, read sadly with complete recognition of this disorder. Many thanks. x
So I am definately not alone. My long distance partner asked to move in with me almost as soon as his parents died and his business failed. Once in my rented house he started on a nasty campaign with me, and our children especially the oldest. I too was told what washing powder to use, where to keep my shoes and property in MY HOUSE. He refused to maintain himself,his kids, refused to work, made me work and always had an excuse for everything. He just refused to take responsibility full stop, but was always there with the criticism. Allergic to the word'No' he was happiest when all attention and focus was on him and him alone, and the focus had to be praise. It took a combination of realising that he would never consider doing for me what I had been pressurised into doing for him, and the awareness that my child was going to run away from home due to the abuse, that made me tell the control freak that it was over. I put it all in writing. I copied it to the relevant authorities. His behavious changed immediately, and he was 'normal' for the notice period I had given him. This concreted my conviction that it was all an act, and that if let off again the abusive behavious would come back full force. I assured him that the police would be called if he did not go. I explained the situation to the police. It was noted. He left. Eventually. Within a week he found a job, got a bank account and found somewhere to live.(He had been making excuses for 3 years about why he could not).
He is desperate to get back together/get back into my home. I am desperate never to make the same mistake. So I take his tears, and pleas for what they really are. Acts of desperation,manipulation, and control to maintain himself. Not a genuine attempt to reconcillie with me. Suffered a bit financially. But gained so many riches in self worth, self respect, self confidence, that without the control freak we are truly a happy family again.
How did I do it?: stayed calm, said no and meant it. The very next day I told neighbours, teachers,friends, family that the relationship was over for good so we were all working off the same page.
I have a sister-in-law that I adore, but is a major control freak! I have learned to deal with her and figured out her tactics. But the dentist I work for is almost intolerable. After 2 years I have become so depressed and question my abilities. With the bad economy, I have been unsuccessful finding a new position. I have 18 years of experience, and have to psych myself up every day just to get thru the week. Thanks for the great tips for helping me to cope better with this problem.
I have a cousin who acts like what was described here. She's not abusive, but she always has to have things her way. She also thinks that she is perfect, and that she has never done anything wrong in her life. My sister and she just got in a fight and she refused to see that she had a part in it. I tried to be mature and have them talk it out, but she just accused my sister and I and our family of lying to her and being "moody". Her mom has the same sort of problem.
I think she may be anorexic as well. She weighs 107 pounds, is 5'5 and she thinks she still needs to lose weight. Is anorexia linked to being a control freak?
I hope someone answers this post, because she is my cousin and I love her, but we cannot deal (emotionally) with her anymore. I wish I could get her help, but if I were ever to say something it would cause wwiii in my family. I feel so helpless...
So, here is an interesting situation that I need some advice on. What do you do when you are divorced from an emotionally abusive man but now your 16 year old daughter is living through it? Visitation is with him every other weekend. He is pulling the same stuff with her. From the stories she is telling me he is treating her like he treated me. My only response to her is "Your Daddy loves you." I don't what else to say to her. She is now telling me that she doesn't want to see him or go over there and saying strong words like "hate him" and says she never wants to see him again. She has a lot of bitterness in her. I guess now that she is older she is seeing it more. The latest incident is that he surprised her with a car. She then got her license a couple of days later. He won't let her drive the car. He says she needs to sign a contract that contains items like respect, etc. The problem is, it has been over a week and he still hasn't gotten the contract to her. Also, this is a car that he wouldn't let me contribute to because I told him I only had $5,000 to contribute. I guess that wasn't enough and he said fine he would make a car available to her when she was in his care only. I can see that she is very depressed and this has been going on for several weeks. I am so worried about her. BTW, this is a man that works for a well known Fortune 500 Company and is making about four times the amount of money that I am, as a government worker.
This man also has so much hate towards me, but I believe it is because I stood up to him the last years of the marriage and now as well. This is just one situation that I am not sure how to handle.
get your daughter with a therapist to help her talk through these things without you present.
it does work and she will see what he is soon.
Reading all these stories has really helped me, never thought anyone had a father like mine. My father is an abusive mental control freak! Beat my mother even when I wasn't born and that was 22years ago! He has controlled me my mum and my brother from day one! Controls money. *my mum has to ask for money* controls shopping has ocd. Controls ur feelings, shouts if ur unhappy! Everything in the house was bought by him so its his. No mess one thing out of place and boom there's a big massive argument! From a young age I haven't been able to have any friends over, wasn't allowed to stay at my friends houses, had to ask to leave my friends houses if I went over for dinner,my mum wasn't n still isn't allowed to visit her friend has to ask permission to go to her own mothers house! And none of our family appart from his are allowed in our house.I live 2lives one at university one at home. I'm two completely different people. I have no one to talk to my mother makes constant excuses for his disgusting controlling behaviour! Nobody understands I know nobodys families are perfect but its js so depressing! I feel like I'm fighting to be let out of prison. I just want my own family to be happy with
Poppy xxx
my boyfriend adam fits blog he caused me to have nevi break down from emotional physical abuse imtype one diebetic hes maniged to isalate me make me loose track of my friends im a type 1 diebetic he got money from me to move into anapartment his friend managed and because i compland about thangs he had done to me had his friend make a new lease with just his name kicked me out thenhe needed to use my car moved me back in used car tell he bought another move left a woman with me went to casino day before breakdown woman kept threating to kill me when adam got home complaind locked me out with no gas was very hot live in phx,AZ then he said he was leaving me out thier was around corner driving back up i snaped i ran my car into his ive never done anythang like that i couldnt believe what id done hes beat me to the emotional abuse is what i cant tamke he keeps my life in turmoil this is only small portion of thang done to me very small his name is adam bruce soldinger,of phx,AZ evelyn jean begay
My name is Cathy. My time with a control freak caused great chaos in my family which lasted almost 2 years. My children were becoming distant. These children were not biologically his. He had jealousy of my time spent with my children mixed in with his need to be in complete control. Long story short. LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD. IGNORE ALL HIS TEARS, THEY ARE TO ONLY CONTROL AND TO GET HIS WAY NO MATTER WHAT HE HAS TO DO. You may love him (you think). If you are financially dependent on him, YOU NEED TO BECOME NOT DEPENDENT ON HIM ON EVERY LEVEL. He will and can sense that you are detaching and his control and jealousy will definitely increase. If you have to leave...TAKE YOUR CHILDREN with you. My situation was fairly cut and dried once I made my mind up completely to leave him. I filed all the necessary papers to keep my home mine in court (it was for years prior to our marriage)and filed divorce. Change your phone numbers all of them, your home and cell. Home number make unlisted. That is the only way to really truly give him the message to leave you ALONE and that his disrespected WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ANY LONGER. Also in my situation I did file a restraining order because of his out of control text messaging threatening to come to my home. I was not awarded the restraint, but the message to him was sent loud and clear through the time it took for me to file an order. HE MUST SEE, HEAR AND FEEL THAT HIS DISRESPECT TOWARDS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED EVER AGAIN AND THAT YOU WILL NOT EVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM EVER AGAIN.
I have been in some sort of controlling relationship my whole adult life. I am 40 yrs old and in my second marriage. Before this marriage I was engaged to a man who controlled and cheated on me numerous times. I have 4 children with the youngest the age of one. My husband now controlls every aspect of my life. I use to be so outgoing with numerous friends. I now have not one! He has taken everything from me. Tells me how to dress, what to say, even how to boil water the right way as an example. He has isolated me from the world, family and friends. I have to call him to put money in my account and then he'll ask me what I need. I have no family here, my parents live two hours away. I have two children who live with my first husband and one I share custody with so leaving this town is not a choice. My husband knows this and when we fight he tells me to move to my parents! I need help, advice. He strangled me two months ago and we have a pending court case on this, yet I'm still with him because I have no where to go and he makes everything my fault and I believe it! I cannot live like this. What can I do??????
I was married to a control freak for 21 years. I am very proud of the fact that I can say "WAS married!" In those 21 years he changed me from a social, smart, confident, outgoing person to a sad, reserved and depressed one. I understand how it is to live with what you refer to as a Type 2. I could never do anything right. He would bully me about any friends I had until I would just stop seeing them. He didn't want me to work or take classes, and made it very difficult for me if I did, especially when the kids were smaller. He didn't like me to read or watch TV for recreation, because, according to him, the men in those books or programs were not realistic when they treated their wives or girlfriends with respect. I wandered through life as a shell of myself, doing and saying whatever he wanted me to...just to keep the peace. He was, of course, the perfect father and husband when anyone else was watching...no one knew what he was like behind closed doors. To combat my loneliness and depression, I turned to carbohydrates and shopping. I hid the credit problems from him, and he was constantly on me about my weight. As my children got older, I began to work full time, and my confidence grew. I resigned to the fact that I would never make him happy, no matter what I did, so I just did something I wanted to do. I tried at least three times to get counseling, but he always got angry and wouldn't go back. I finally got up the courage to leave him, but it took a lot of planning and scheming. I was working at a job where I made enough money to support myself. I rented an inexpensive house that needed a lot of work, and i snuck away every chance I got to work on it, and my family helped me. I gradually squirrelled away money and things I considered valuable, like photos of the kids. I lied about where I was and what I was doing, and he actually believed me! I got the house ready for me and the kids and told him I wanted a divorce. I left the next morning to the house I fixed with my own hands (in the same town). It took 18 months to get divorced, because he fought me long and hard at evry turn. His income is twice mine, and he just wore me down. I had to make a lot of concessions to get him to agree to a settlement. I had to agree to 50/50 custody of the kids and to take all of the credit card debt with me. He tried to make it so difficult that I wouldn't leave, but I did anyway! It is now almost 6 years sinde I left him, and he is still trying to get back at me. He puts the kids in the middle of everything, and they are suffering some for it. You see, when I was there with them, I took a lot of thier lectures and rants for them. But now they take thier own when they are in his custody. my youngest attends therapy to learn how to understand and handle living with him, and it is helping her. I miss my kids when they are not with me, but we talk on the phone, and I attend all of their functions, since I am in the same town. I have to work 2 jobs to pay down my debt, and it is not easy. He never thought I would or could, but I did and I am!! You're freedom and the feeling of pride you'll feel when you leave is priceless. Don't buy into his threats of killing himself or the gallons of tears and theatrics and guilt trips he'll throw at you...DO NOT GIVE IN. If you are afraid, get a security system or a gun to protect yourself. Just get everything you want out of the house before you go. Have some money set aside in cash that he cannot trace. You can do it!
My living with a control freak lasts 20 yrs (marriage). I wasn´t able to see that my husband is one. I´m intelligent , educated, recognised signs, but was always hoping this isn´t it. I read, informed myself about it, suffered, deciding this and that ("should I stay or should I go"), visited psychologist/psychiatrist/marriage counsellor, alone, naturally - who ever saw a CF willingly visit any of those? I became a walking encyclopaedia knowing everything about life with a CF, but all this didn´t help me until it clicked in my head. It happened when I read a new portion of similar experiences on some web pages.Without it all theory is useless.
First, what did he do, just to mention some repeated patterns:
- He is NEVER satisfied with meals, I don´t know how to cook,
- he is controversial: what is good one day is bad the other
- he knows everything better
- I bully HIM
- I talk too much I should shut up
- everybody´ s stupid
- kids are bad cause of me
- everything should be impeccable, just the way HE does it
- nobody understands him
- all this and more he threw at me in my emotionally weak moments,cause he is a prototype of a CF, with an instinct for my weakness: emotions. He knows I´m a strong person, he lurked for my bad days/moments and did a lot of damage, cause he knows I love(d) him.
The reasons I stay:
1. I work, have a good salary (enogh to survive without luxury).
2. I´m an independent soul who needs love but can imagine the rest of my life without a man.
3. There were moments when I seriously discussed divorce with him and there was a day when he left home because "nobody listens to him" but returned tomorrow like a little boy.
4. Yes, he still can catch me in my weak moments and hurt me emotionally, but my recoveries are faster and my lapses are reduced.
5.Though he made/tries to make our lives a misery my kids (teenagers) assured me in many ways they´d rather live with both of us.. As long as they have strength I´ll respect that. I talk with them a lot, explain them everything honestly. Everyone in my shoes knows how difficult it is to explain growing kids what´ s going on and maintain father´s authority (one of his wounds).
OK, you´ll say, she has the job and money.I know, and I´m aware many women are in financial traps. Anyway I believe when things get so far as mine, every woman can weigh on her personal scale what´s more important: dying in a lousy marriage or maintain a mental/physical health. I´ve been there,almost ended up in a hospital, but he didn´t see the reason why.
Why did I stay, with all possibilities to get out? Maybe cause I was raised that way, loved him and believed marriage is made of compromises. So, all advice I read here - meant for women without job/money is very tough, but if you want to survive I believe even the shelter´d look better than a slow dying.
I boast myself I´m recovering from his tortures, but I still surprise myself submitting .Example: when I wanted a divorce, he said no cause nobody in his family did that. This is the most stupid reason ever, but I was angry, sad and miserable then and didn´t see this is the point when I can change things and emotionally blackmail him: "OK, you don´t want a divorce. I´ll stay with you but on my conditions." - This moment has passed and he´s clever enough not to enter the conversation with me when I´m calm. This is just to show how manipulative a CF can be.
To sum up, I´m better than before, but this is an endless struggle. Maybe I am staying for the sake of my kids, maybe I´ll leave when we get old and kids leave home. Maybe I want a revenge, I´m human. I could easily, cause I´m ready and waiting for his attacks, I think I´ve seen them all. What´s important is I am not afraid of anything any more.I´ll puthim on probation: he needs me, but he´ll have to prove he needs me for some other reasons than just for his freakish satisfaction. If his nice days don´t prevail over his bad ones than I´ll give up finally.
My husband is a controll freak, he controles the money the way i keep the house, he even says to me i have no self worth how can you have self worth when there is somebody constently bringing you down. He dont care about me at all I feel that im on the back burner all the time. Everytime I ask for his help he says hes busy but when someone else asks hes right there. and has time for eveyone else except for me.
Having a problen presently with a person that is in a group that I was in but dropped out of so I can have no more personal contact with this person because this person didn't get their own way while others voted for my ideas instead of theirs.Right after this person mentioned started publically harassing & belittleing me by their comments belittleing me in many negative untrue comments about me to me also others while following me on some social web sites.Recently I had to delete 2 public sites that I once enjoyed.Just to get away from this person's negative obsessive behavior;I had to delete myself out of the social web sites that this unhappy person is in.This person is probally mentally ill and doesn't even know it.Since thease negative actions are becomming more frequent and more red flagish;can this person become dangerous if their situation gets worse which is my biggest concearn???
I'm a 35 yr old gay male with an older man of 52. I have been with him for 17 years. I have tried to leave serveral times only to be rejected back to him. It was goof to have the daddy I never had, but I still look 10 years younger than I am. REFUSED to let me go to college. Liked the idea of of me being an escort. I was not forced and did of my own volition, but he now says IT'S ALL I CAN DO TO MAKE MONEY SO WE CAN LIVE TOGOTHER. I can do NOTHING else to make money. He tells me I never do anything right, picks at any imperfections such as a blemish or mark. Constantly calls me an idiot
who's stupid and doesn't know how to say the right things to get what you want. Like "what does being honest get you" ALL communication monitored. I can't have a data plan. Not allowed to use my own credit cards without permission. Made to turn off computer and TV at 3am with time limit on net from 3-10am. Yells and screams, even raising his voice at me is screaming to me. Walks around sighs a lot huffing, sometimes talking to himself under his breath. He likes to blame his type 2 diabetes and medication on his moods. Doesn't like me to be myself and would prefer I be his image. To top this off, he has decided to take complete control over me looking for another guy to be with. He insists I need to find a "sugar daddy" who can support me. I don't quite agree, and rather feel I need a another guy who can help with opportunity and open doors. He is vehemently against me making contact by
myself on the various dating sites I have profiles on. Doesn't want me to talk at all, and turns the exchange into a business transaction of sorts, that has turned off most guy interested in me. Oh yeah, he love revenge and blackmail. Sex always seems to be a bargaining chip and if I want some alone time he seems to get bent out of shape. He controls my medical cannabis supply to a ration. I had a few friends, but they grew sick of my being imprisoned and couldn't go anywhere. ALWAYS need to be ready to go out on a call and when the money stop the berating and guilt trips begin. I have had remotes thrown at me in disgust. The last straw has now come for me as I tried very hard to believe this man was really looking out for my best interest, but I've read too much that says NO. On thanksgiving eve, it was stuffy in our apt and we have sliding glass doors with a make shift screen over one side. Him being very irritated screamed at me to OPEN THE DOOR WIDE NOW, and the jolt had me scurrying to get it open, open wide enough so one of our cats could squeeze through. I later started to call for this cat and nowhere inter apt. My partner was worried too, but I became hysterical fearing the cat plunged 150ft down. I began to remember how he had to just fucking scream to get the door open, and he caused this. I lost it and told him "can't stand anymore of this with you" I turned to the door with rage and channeled it into the door. 4 punches with the last right being broken. Called me a mental idiot has he takes no blame for his screaming. So I type this with a free index finger on the iPhone. He hardly had freinds and those that are say he has become nastier and meaner.
His own mother told me and she used the word "control freak" as a boy. He yells and screams at her too. WHAT AM I DEALING WITH HERE ?? Should I make it my priority to find another guy and GET OUT or work it through. It seems to be getting worse and the more I stand up to him the longer and nastier the arguments becomes. He's like an interogator and inquisitor. Not sure, I know I'm growing up so fast that the conflict grows by the day. Is this guy a "control freak" ? I feel verbally abused, self esteem decimated, unable to communicate in society. His famous line to me "is EVERYBODY operates like I do in the normal world" and you don't get that. I could type a lot more but I have 6% battery. Need some advice badly.
Thanks
Adam
If you get counseling and get as far away from this controlling jerk ASAP I bet you'll feel a LOT better in just a few months.
Barbra, thanks and deep down I know you are right,
But I find myself in the same situation as these married women are in, as reference to the financial trap
And I haven NOTHING to get out there and live on my own.
How in the world do I explain the circumstances of my situation trying to look for another guy to go with ? I don't want sympathy from anyone,'just understanding of why I don't have my own life with the ability to provide for my own expenses. It seems to me very few gay men even understand why some don't have their own life, unable to provide for their own needs. I seem to be immediately stereotyped when I explain being a dependent.
It sucks, cause I want to develop my own life, but seems if many fail to understand and just associate a stigma and consider it more baggage than Paris Hilton
carries.
How should I explain having no job or official college education from my current situation and why I just can't just go "find work" and it's all to easy to say "get a job" than to get one that isn't slave labor. I live with a fantastic manipulator and likes to point out "poverty" and "unemployment" as I NEED to be grateful for what I have and that many people would love to have your life. I get accused of not living in the real world. Loves to say ill only make about 1200 a mo after taxes and stay at a starting salary range. He seems to dead set on convincing me
I can make nothing of myself and that college is "waste of time and money"
I used to believe he was right with all the statistics out there, but Im learning these types Insist they are right, and you are wrong and out of line. They can never admit being in wrong and you need to do as your told or have accusations of making drama, so they make you believe you caused them to fight and you are the "bad guy" for causing strife and conflict by speaking your
Mind.
It's always "you are a drama queen and everything was fine until you showed your ass, and now you have upset me" "there is no need for any of this drama from you" They can never admit the treatment they exhibit is wrong and that other people ARE NOT THEIR TYPE, as they are convinced most of the world operates as they do.
I try to talk about some consuling, and his excuse is our insurance won't cover it and too expensive. If he would just recognize I don't want a daddy anymore and a partner who can respect the type of person I am, but this seems impossible for him to let go and transition out of a father role.
I really need some advice on how to explain this situation when talking with men who are interested in me, so there can be a clear understanding. I'm not looking for a shining knight, but to connect with a guy who could pull me out and allow me to have my own life and friends.
I FEEL for all the women on this blog who are beside themselves and in that financial dependent trap with no way out except being homeless. Anyway I guess all one can do is keep strong and be resolved to endure living this kind of life. Just not convinced going homeless to be out in the cold will be liberating. I'll say this, if those of us that last 10-15-30 years like this we have more strength, patience and tolerance than most average normal relationships have in their entire duration!
Adam is there a Gay Crisis or Gay Community type center around you? You'd be surprised.
http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=3
Here is the "Anonymous with the click" (a few comments above). I´m still struggling with my CF but the development is in, so I¨d really like to help with some advice. It´ s about Adam: you´re gay and I´m straight, but it´s all the same. Let me tell you this: you have seen through your guy, you know who he is, you know your situation, too. You don´t expect wonders, but answer yourself honestly is there something good in him, what is it, and is it strong enough to keep you with him.In my relationship I did the same,found out I want to stay, but I started to live another way. When anything happened that hurts me I said NO, I turned away, I didn´t want to discuss. Each time when there was his unsatisfaction in the air or a quarrel was about to start I found something to do (cleaning, working, cooking, anything). It was a rebellion to him. I was quiet and polite I found happiness in small things. Finally, after some 6 months he was desperate and wanted to talk: not to yell, to TALK, because he suspected I cheated on him, he felt I was estranged and wondered why. He was shaken. I couldn´t believe: we talked, he was LISTENING. Because he cared for me. Now we are better, he cannot entirely change, but he experienced something new and was afraid. I´m not saying this will happen to you: something similar could if he cares for you, if not he is not for you.If you want him you must show him that you are a person not a punching bag. And it´s difficult, yes.
Let me just give you a perspective from the control freak's side...I grew up not feeling "good enough" though there is nothing wrong with me. I am an attractive lady, yet very insecure. I live in a small town, have no insurance, and the counselors you can see on that level are not worth going into their office - I have tried talking to 3 different ones...from someone that walked around the room and talked down to me (already dealt with another "control freak" in a relationship...trying to recover) to a counselor that told me there were "excellent" web sites to look up to help my problems, gave me papers to read, and sent me home, and lastly, a man that talked with me, and with everything I mentioned in MY life, compared them to situations in HIS life and his unnamed other patients. I can't afford someone that charges $150 - $300 hr. I am just coming to the realization that anxiety and control go hand in hand, and control is my coping mechanism for the insecurity I have had since I was young. I am a control freak - but I am not an intended jerk, mean person, nor am I "out to get" anyone. It is absolutely true that fear and "less than" have controlled my life for a long time. I have pulled back from people, am always afraid of being less than perfect and being judged...and I am lonely. I want to be like a normal person, loving life, having friends (I have 2) and having someone to love. My emotions are shut down due to fear, and I have a hard time reaching them for anyone. Am I happy with this? - absolutely NOT. I get angry, sad, anxious, depressed...and it's a merry go round I HATE. So...don't just lump all "control freaks" as just "mean jerks." The pain is real. Talking to my regular doctor, she has me examining the control measures in my life...she just discussed this with me yesterday. Reading this article was amazingly enlightening for me...what I need now is support that I can change this. When you don't trust...it's difficult to have support. But, I'm starting today to do my best to be aware of triggers, how they make me feel, and learning to let go and just live...so give some of us a break. We're not bad people...we just learned wrongly how to feel and how things are supposed to work.
Again I wonder, what if all these "control freaks" were mri'ed checking for psychopathy? How many would actually be FULL-BLOWN psychopaths? An amazingly high percent I'd guess, if not ALL of them. It is really bad people. I'm very tired and very hopeless.
He is my dad and I love him, but for my 25 years, it has been difficult. I believe my dad was abused in some form as a child, and it has started his "control freak" nature. My grandfather, my mother recently told me, predicted this day when I was just barely 2 and my sister was born. For some reason, everything my younger sister does is right, and even if she does something wrong my dad has an excuse or reason (my mother, too, to some extent). I am not making this up, almost everyone I know has commented on it and I just put it behind me.
For example, I remember as a child I would be a bit more outgoing and my sister was always timid. I was about 5, and she was 3. We were playing with something--I don't remember what--and I remember my dad told us to stop doing something. We immediately did, and after a while my sister started back and Dad didn't say anything and seemed fine with it, so I started back, too. The next thing I knew, he yanked me off the floor by my arm, spanked me completely out of anger, sat me down hard on a chair, and dared me to move. I remember crying so hard I felt like throwing up. My sister would come to me and try to comfort me as a child does, and he would soothingly tell her, "Leave Sissy alone, she is being punished. You were fine. She has to learn to obey." Things like that, where both my sister and I would do something but I was always repremanded continued until adulthood.
When I was 13, I began wearing light makeup. My mom showed me how. As I got older, my makeup collection matured with me. When I was 17, my dad noticed I had left my mascara on the counter. I wasn't trying to hide anything, I just forgot to put it up. My dad started yelling at me and said, "You are painting your eyes like a hooker! Is that what you want people to think about you?" etc. I started answering back from then on and told him he never paid attention to me except for what he thought was wrong. From that point on, friends of mine encouraged me to gently and respectfully start standing up for myself.
When I was 19, my sister needed a black skirt. She was crying and all upset because she couldn't find one for an event. I told her she could use one of mine, and I would hang it on her bedroom doorknob. A few minutes later, my dad yelled for me to come to her room. He immediately said, "I am so sick of you being so bossy! You best stop pushing yourself on people!" He then yanked me down over the bed and proceeded to hit me on my backside out of sheer anger. I struggled free, and very angrily told him if he ever touched me again, I would make sure it never again happened. Those are the few times he actually hit me.
All through my life, I rarely receive compliments from him. Tonight, I finally completed a project I have been working on. His first thing was to be extremely critical about it, and I had enough and lashed back. I feel so awful now. I am so tired of never being good enough.
I am 25 and still live with my parents. Some good friends of mine have been encouraging me to get an apartment as they feel tensions between me and my dad will only worsen the older I get, as they think he tries more and more to control me. Please understand I have never been in any trouble, always had great "Andy Griffith Show"-style friends, never drunk, smoked, gone to nightclubs, etc., and I have never had a desire to do so. I am a completely old-fashioned Southern lady.
This past summer, I accidentially walked in on my dad viewing pornography on his work laptop. He knew I saw him, and ever since then he has backed off a good deal on his controlling issues with me. I feel nasty around him ever since I saw that. I don't want to hug him, for fear he compares me to that trash. I told only my best friend about it, and he immediately told me it was time to move out, especially since I am so uncomfortable. I just hate leaving my mom.
(pt. 2)
My dad has a good heart. I believe his issues stem from some sort of childhood abuse. I feel bad saying so many bad things about him... I just don't know what to do. I am never good enough, and it's like he thinks me to be some evil person or something.. I have a good job and can afford to move out, but I am still used to the world where ladies stayed with their parents until they married. I have been engaged, but found him to be abusive and broke it off. I have no interest in a relationship at all, and am very happy as I am. My dad has told me, "You need to drop your standards as you have them way too high and no decent man could ever meet them!" It was almost like he was angry the relationship broke off and he blames me for it... I don't know what to do.
I have a controlling wife, at first it wasn't that bad but the last 2 years it has been unbearable at times. When we talk about the problems we have, it turns bad. I try to remain calm but it is very hard. From everything I have read the only solution is to leave. My biggest concern is for my kids age 10 and 12. She can't handle any so called stress. I have sugested getting help for both of us but she doesn't want to. I said I am the one with the problem and I need you to go with me but refuses. It is very hard because I also work at her Dad's family business. Any sugestions would be greatly appreciated!!
Reading and rereading all the experiences here surprise me again: it is really possible, THERE IS the same pattern all around. In every new comment I find something from my life: Young lady treated badly by her father is a mirror reflection of my 18 yr old son. There never was and never is anything good that he has done. His dad was never satisfied. He (my husband) did the same to me, but I fought back: not always in a right way but I didn´t let him stamp me to the ground. After our turning point when he expressed a wish to start talking, not only yelling, what changed? He will not become normal. I´d say he is VAGUELY AWARE that he HAS to be nervous most of the time and he doesn´t understand my new attitude that I don´t want to be nervous about minor things, or even about major ones too. I partially freed myself from his claws so there are moments when I can pity him. It´s different with my son. (His relationship with our daughter is unfortunately classical: daughter is a fathers favourite. I don´t favorize any of them.)I had to and I have to raise my kids to respect their parents and with such a father it is a hell of a job. My boy told me many times that he hates his dad, but at other moments it was painfully obvious that he loves him and takes him as a role model. I had to be extremely careful to explain the situation. When I showed my son the text about control freaks I feared his reaction (he already turned 18) but thank God it was mature. Still, he suffers a lot. And I´m aware they will never be proper father and son, they will always be distant. There is nothing but hope that my son will finish his growing up without any additional scars.
I decided to stay in this marriage: there are many good and beautiful moments, there is a belief that our family still has some qualities, but sometimes I ask myself wasn´t it too high a price?
Every Woman in my life has tried to control me, I've given up on ever trying to be friends with them...everything is power struggle/power play nonsense. I had to take them all out of my life.
My husband is the most controlling Type 2 Control Freak!
He just got progressively more and more controlling every day and then more and more abusive. He did this strategically so I wouldn't have any shred of self worth left.
This is so true:
These people are angry and afraid to let go of you.
Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow.
I recently did just that. I let him go so I can heal. My life was headed for a violent ending if I stayed with him, of this I am sure. I just pray I survive the divorce process.
Love this site...you should have a forum where the readers can communicate with each other. Lord knows I can use more people who understand exactly what I am dealing with, and I think I can offer lots of support back.
<3
Wow! The number of comments on this article shows just how relevant this issue is.
Now back to the beginning. What if we, all of us, were given a chance to go back to the beginning of our relationships and have an MRI performed on our mate. And after this was done, and he/she was shown to have the brain functioning of a psychopath and we were counseled as to what this meant (that they don't process the basic human emotions of love, care, gratefulness, shame, guilt etc.), would we do things differently? I KNOW THAT I WOULD!
So this is what I think we all deserve! Quite simply A CHANCE to KNOW what psychopathy is, the genetic component, how to identify it, stay away from it. That they don't think like us, that they must control and harm others and that they can't be fixed or changed and the more psychotherapy that they are exposed to only makes them more dangerous because they are then better able to manipulate others.
This article is dangerous in many ways. It identifies only two types of control freaks and implies that this is all there are and that it is an emotional issue based on problems in the past. This may be true for those of us who don't have the brain functioning of a psychopath but for those that are psychopaths, from the day they are born they are wanting to contol, manipulate and be worshipped. I know this sounds insane but I have witnessed it. From infancy, YES INFANCY, psychopathic traits can be seen.
JUST GIVE US A CHANCE PEOPLE WHO PERFOM MRI'S CHECKING FOR PSYCHOPATHY AND YOU EXPERTS LIKE DR. HARE, TO BE TESTED FOR THIS AND PROTECT OURSELVES!
"Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves." This quote from the article is another very dangerous thing to say because IF the person does have the brain functioning of a psychopath (as seen on an MRI) they ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO HURT YOU!
Facebook has some good forums for Victims of Narcissists & Psychopaths... do some searches and join a "closed" group
This is in response to a few of the last few comments. All these behaviors are very TYPICAL for a person who has the brain functioning of a psychopath. Let me give you a few examples that I have witnessed personally, and as I say over and over if we were just allowed to KNOW about psychopathy, we wouldn't be running about trying to pin different names (control freak, bully, sociopath, on and on) and may more readily be able to IDENTIFY it for what it is.
My dad always prefered the girls in our gigantic cult family. This was always known to me although I don't think it was actually voiced outloud. But see, psychopaths must always be against at least one other person and after the divorce when he could no longer be against my mom (as she had a restraining order), it was then the boys. As the kids started running away from home and getting put in foster care it was then the OLDEST who he was against. Again, this was never voiced, just known and accepted. I too was a super well-behaved, terrified of making a mistake child who just wanted to please and not be homeless. I had severe sleeping problems, developed eating disorders and phobias all which were brought up by all and I was constantly ostracized for and berated. I lasted longer when it came time for me to be the oldest and I tried so hard to not upset my dad but see, this is IMPOSSIBLE!. One article on this website pointed out that it's all about THE GAME to them and this goes with there is NO WAY TO APPEASE THEM! You can't as they just change the standards or rules etc. So when I read the above comments where the husband was against the son but loved the daughter it is blatent.
My dad always discounted any accomplishments any of the children had. We have a few world-class athletes in the family but my dad berated them for it at the time but brags about it now. He would always talk about what a great athlete he had been. He too called all women who wore make-up or pantyhose or had pierced ears whores and pigs so I was uber careful about not even being a HINT like this. Again, it's never enough because it is not based on truth or set standards but "shifting sands" that are ever changing.
Once the scales have been removed from your eyes and the truth about psychopathy has been shown to you, you will see that it is truly overwhelming and prevalent, not rare at all. Maybe this is why we don't do mri's to check for it. What could we possibly do? It's genetic and we are not screening for it and we are just giving birth to more and more. Who CARES what I say, I am nothing, let's let the experts disprove this. Just give us a fricking chance!
We spend so much time trying to "figure out" what went wrong in an evil ones childhood instead of just STARTING with checking for psychopathy. The experts agree that it doesn't change the brain functioning of a psychopath (a good or bad childhood) but MAY affect if one will be a MURDERING psychopath. But here again, there's no consistant pattern as Ted Bundy wasn't abused and he became a serial killer. And as people with the brain functioning OF a psychopath LIE without effort or fear, they can SAY they were abused. (This is why the checklist that asks psychopaths for their rendition of life has the potential to not accurately show the truth. They may perceive to have been abused when in fact they weren't. Mri's are the best way to show the truth.)
A psychopath I knew claimed abuse in his childhood but he was a liar. His parents tried to get him help, catered to him, tried all the crap the therapists told them to do (which changed each month as when one therapy after another failed to produce any positive results they just slapped on a "new and improved" diagnosis and sent them home to give it a whirl!) And that's another thing, all this constant attention, even though it was negative was still ATTENTION for this psychopath and he LOVED IT! Now that he's an adult and kicked out on his own and no longer has anyone to be "against" he is miserable and alone. He still of course blames his parents but a good mri performed in his late teens may have at least freed the parents from the blame game and given them a chance to at least "train" him to act appropriately so that he could function in the outside world.
Have you noticed that nobody will spend this amount of time or energy on one who isn't a psychopath and has "simply" been abused and destroyed BY a psychopath? The balance is way off and getting WORSE not better.
Barbara, I want to thank you. You've posted several of my comments over the past year and I just want to say that even if nobody else reads them or understands them, you've let me feel like I've had a voice. That I matter.
Psalm 116 1:1-2 "1I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;he heard my cry for mercy. 2Because he turned his ear to me,I will call on him as long as I live."
I feel like God is the only one who listens to me but he has blessed me through you and this website and again, I just want to say thank you.
Well, i'm glad I found this site. I think I.am with typical control freak/narcissist. When we first started dating and moved in with each other he demanded money and made me sign a "fake contract" that I would give him the money I owed for rent. Things have progressively gotten worse. He turned into an emotional abuser. I have given in and tried to give it right back at him, thinking it would help. Because I am the codependent one, I stayed thinking it could get better. We got married and have two children. Nothing makes him happy. He demands that I make dinner. I do. He demands that I clean. I do. Now I thought this would make everything better and make him happy, but if it's not one thing, it's another. Just recently he says we don't have enough sex and intimidates me with cheating or divorce. I actually would love to and have tried to leave him, but keep staying. He is a dr. and makes ALL the money, which he controls as well. I like having the security of being able to buy things for our kids and myself and the household, but if I leave I get less of what he's giving me now. It sounds shady, but it scares me to not be able to pay bills or feed my children. I need all the help I can get on what to do. If I start giving him the sex he wants, I will feel worthless, which I already do. He has made me feel like I have no control at all. That doesn't feel good. It makes me want to give up sometimes. I really need advice.
Anonymous
First - go DIRECTLY to your local Domestic Violence or Women's Center and ask to see an advocate ASAP. They can make an escape plan for you and your kids. They should be able to steer you to an attorney so he can't use him money to come after you. Do this IMMEDIATELY.
Secondly THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CODEPENDENCE in an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. Nope. None. You might want to read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft as he agrees that where there is abuse there is NO CODEPENDENCE. It is HIM who has created a dependent relationship. You should look around Facebook as there are some good closed groups for Narcissist Victims.
Absolutely use your local resources and find a counselor. And go to a Women's Center immediately.
You know you need to get out - you need a plan to do so.
Best of luck
Another thing. Why when in an abusive relationship do people say "don't be a marter or a victim "? What do you call yourself then? Why do we think they're going to change? Am I crazy then? Why can't I just leave? I've never had to pay my own bills. I am not spoiled, just always been taken care of. I don't know how to be on my own. Especially with a three year old and a 9 month old. I'm really scared to leave my husband. I don't want to live in a shelter. He says the kids will always be taken care of, but I will have nothing. He says he wants to try to work on the marriage, but when I start telling him how I feel he won't take me seriously or validate my feelings. He's right and i'm wrong. It's so true what this blog says about being nice so you let your guard down and they go back to mr. Hyde. He says he's listening but when the issue "when he's having" comes up again it's like I never said anything in the first place. We go around un circles. I feel like if I were talking to a regular person we would get through an issue and move on. It really is insanity and I am caught up in it. I've always said from the beginning that I would save up the money and find the right time to leave. I've talked to lawyers and they are expensive and they need information like bank account and taxes, but that seems like a lot to handle. I've tried to talk to other people about leaving and they say to go to a shelter. I just feel like it's going to miserable there. He claims he's done but he always wants my confirmation to follow through. But then he goes into the nasty comments again. Calls me a cunt and a low life scum bag. That he has shit on me for being inadequate. He talks bad about my mother. He calls me a dead fish when we have sex. This is only when he's mad. Then when everything is going well, says he doesn't mean any of those things. And he expects ne ti get close to him and wonders why I don't want to have sex. I have tried to get pass the nasty comments and try to make things work, but when I do he goes back to another issue and we argue. Going into the cycle again. I know there are people out there that go through the same things, and he even says he's wasting his life. So why doesn't he leave? If we separate he won't leave. He will just throw me and the kids out and expect us to find our way? I feel like if I leave i'm making a mistake and I just needed thicker skin. I've tried to have thicker skin, but it's so hard when he just keeps bringing me down. I want to know if someone has been through this exact same thing and has a success story. I need support on leaving and that i'm doing the right thing by leaving. It feels good to get all of this out to people who live with abuse. I know i'm not alone.
The honest answer is YES. I wouldn´t have married my husband if I had known the things I know now, or if he had had an MRI.
I´m a very down-to-earth person and I know I can afford myself to stay in this marriage because I work and earn enough to support me and my kids if, in some case, we remain alone. The other reason: I am psychologically strong enough to endure everything. This doesn´t mean I don´t suffer.
Let´s put it this way: let alone my favorable circumstances: I am a “normal” human being, he is “abnormal” and in every such relationship, the “normal” one suffers and very often thinks he/she is becoming “abnormal.”
Just as one of the above comment authors offered help with her experience, so is my opinion, too. We all can help each other even with minor things or remarks, no matter how well or how bad we cope with our partners. I know that this blog helped me A LOT. It gave me strength and insurance that I´m not crazy or wrong when I analyze everything I´m going through. Because, after a while, you certainly lose a proper scale what is right or wrong and who is crazy after all.
No matter how we call it: psychopathy, sociopathy, control freak-opathy, it´s just another name for the old way of marriage behaviour: abuse. It used to be normal before, it is still normal in some parts of the world. The good thing is that more and more women (and men, sometimes) can fight back. If you just think that generally there are lot of communicational misunderstandings between men and women, dealing with a control freak adds couple or more heavy stones to this.
Just recently I´ve discovered that sometimes he intentionally
creates a problem or a riddle that makes him angry and nervous and plays a little drama in
front of us, swearing, cursing, feeling helpless. This keeps him busy for several hours,
fixing things around, driving to the store to buy some parts. Final effect: HE DID IT, once
again he proved to be a handy man like no other: HE SAVED THIS HOUSE from trouble
of lacking the lawn mower or toilet paper or the exact type of bulbs and so on.
- Whatever we do is not worth mentioning. His little and big steps are written in “golden
capital letters” in the sky, so to say.
- When he messes things up, it is not only forgotten, it never happened.
- When someone reads this, it sounds funny. But all the people living with a control freak
know that such and worse things (and we have lived through them, too) are always said and
done in the most humiliating manner, with despise and even hatred.
Unfortunately, it is and will never be over: he will always have his depressions and unsatisfactions. When they come, we can feel them and almost touch them. They reflect on us just like bad weather, make us gloomy and nervous. And we can´t do anything but to step away and do something else. It is the only way and the saddest, because we have to isolate ourselves from the member of our family, who is at the same time our enemy. He told me that he feels when he is isolated and I tried to explain him that it is because he doesn´t treat us with respect. This happens even with the people outside our house. He still cannot understand it. How do you make such a person aware that there is something wrong with him? (Or in plain words: how do you say to a lunatic that he is a lunatic?)
The farthest that he´s gone is that he told me that he has some fears in him that don´t let him relax. And the farthest I have gone is to make him aware that I am not going to take part in his fears. I told him that he can count on me whenever there is something to do, but that I cannot do the things in his way. The time will show how much he understood this.
The honest answer is YES. I wouldn´t have married my husband if I had known the things I know now, or if he had had an MRI.
I´m a very down-to-earth person and I know I can afford myself to stay in this marriage because I work and earn enough to support me and my kids if, in some case, we remain alone. The other reason: I am psychologically strong enough to endure everything. This doesn´t mean I don´t suffer.
Let´s put it this way: let alone my favorable circumstances: I am a “normal” human being, he is “abnormal” and in every such relationship, the “normal” one suffers and very often thinks he/she is becoming “abnormal.”
Just as one of the above comment authors offered help with her experience, so is my opinion, too. We all can help each other even with minor things or remarks, no matter how well or how bad we cope with our partners. I know that this blog helped me A LOT. It gave me strength and insurance that I´m not crazy or wrong when I analyze everything I´m going through. Because, after a while, you certainly lose a proper scale what is right or wrong and who is crazy after all.
No matter how we call it: psychopathy, sociopathy, control freak-opathy, it´s just another name for the old way of marriage behaviour: abuse. It used to be normal before, it is still normal in some parts of the world. The good thing is that more and more women (and men, sometimes) can fight back. If you just think that generally there are lot of communicational misunderstandings between men and women, dealing with a control freak adds couple or more heavy stones to this.
Just recently I´ve discovered that sometimes he intentionally
creates a problem or a riddle that makes him angry and nervous and plays a little drama in
front of us, swearing, cursing, feeling helpless. This keeps him busy for several hours,
fixing things around, driving to the store to buy some parts. Final effect: HE DID IT, once
again he proved to be a handy man like no other: HE SAVED THIS HOUSE from trouble
of lacking the lawn mower or toilet paper or the exact type of bulbs and so on.
- Whatever we do is not worth mentioning. His little and big steps are written in “golden
capital letters” in the sky, so to say.
- When he messes things up, it is not only forgotten, it never happened.
- When someone reads this, it sounds funny. But all the people living with a control freak
know that such and worse things (and we have lived through them, too) are always said and
done in the most humiliating manner, with despise and even hatred.
Unfortunately, it is and will never be over: he will always have his depressions and unsatisfactions. When they come, we can feel them and almost touch them. They reflect on us just like bad weather, make us gloomy and nervous. And we can´t do anything but to step away and do something else. It is the only way and the saddest, because we have to isolate ourselves from the member of our family, who is at the same time our enemy. He told me that he feels when he is isolated and I tried to explain him that it is because he doesn´t treat us with respect. This happens even with the people outside our house. He still cannot understand it. How do you make such a person aware that there is something wrong with him? (Or in plain words: how do you say to a lunatic that he is a lunatic?)
The farthest that he´s gone is that he told me that he has some fears in him that don´t let him relax. And the farthest I have gone is to make him aware that I am not going to take part in his fears. I told him that he can count on me whenever there is something to do, but that I cannot do the things in his way. The time will show how much he understood this.
Just a polite apology: by pure mistake I posted my above comment twice.
I'm a man who has lost his wife and family because I became abusive and controlling. The article above hits the nail right on the head, so good.
It was because of my own inadequacies and insecurity that I treated my ex wife like scum, which she didn't deserve.
My advice to anyone in this type of relationship is to get out. When my wife left, it made me face up to what I was and I sought help. In doing so I was diagnosed with attachment disorder and OCD and I am receiving the professional help I need and my wife has a peaceful life! If she hadn't of left, it would of spiralled out of control. I may never become friends with my wife again but at least we've broken the cycle before it was too late. The way I behaved toward my wife was indefensible and I'm ashamed, but I didn't realise the way I was or the impact of my behaviour. Ignorance is not an excuse, but only for my wife being strong and leaving did I become aware of what I was doing.
Don't just live with it, do something about it. If your partner is unwilling to change then you are better off out of it.
Peter
You know there is a problem when they know what they are doing is the wrong thing and they still go full steam ahead because they refuse to admit they were wrong.
Just get out now, life is too short!
Recognize this in a potential mate, boss, friend and don't repeat the process.
His dad was the same way, don't know if it's both mental and or learned behavior. Not worth your time to try and figure it out, just go!
Peter advised to leave the marriage with a control freak. Fair and honest. My advice: whatever you do in such a relationship, make YOUR OWN CHOICE. If your partner is too much for you and you can´t change the circumstances (not the partner), RUN! If there´s hope and DEVELOPMENT for the better, stay.
From what I´ve learned,control freaks come in various versions and intensities. If you really want,try to READ through your one and classify/grade him to find out could you stand him/her.The important thing for me now is always to be on watch and keep my personal space intact. I´ll never allow him to insult me again.
Anyway, marriage is always a sort of a struggle with peaceful interludes. I don´t think Cinderella really lived happily everafter.
My change didn´t happen overnight or voluntarily. The reason for it was I lived this marriage long enough to feel I´ve had enough. No, my husband didn´t beat me, but tried to dictate my life. I allowed it because I hoped he´ll change. WRONG!
My feelings changed like this through time: love, surprise (by first signs of abuse), pain, helplessness, fury, despair, and finally, the SANE ANGER ABOUT MYSELF. Then I actually made what some silly people would advise: I made him jealous and suspicious. Not on purpose, it just happened because I started to act strange: I came home later from work, I took long walks alone, generally wanted to be more alone, just to settle my thoughts and find peace. Then he wanted to talk (which I described here some time before).
I believe that was our turning point, when he felt he is losing what is really important, not the house, garden or the car. It was then when he realized he is a jerk. He never admitted it nor he ever will (stupid male pride), but now I ´m playing the game, not just losing.
What exactly changed? Well, for years he drove me crazy with illogical, stupid, senseless acts and words. It´s really surprising how a clever person like me can be stupid and let a stupid but highly intelligent person manipulate me. Another proof of a thin line between stupidity and geniality or love and hate. Today I don´t feel like being manipulated and I don´t give a damn what he thinks about it. So, it was I WHO CHANGED.
PATTERN: What are we going to eat on Sunday? I give a couple of suggestions, he rejects them. Just read and „enjoy“: NO to chicken – it´s too weak to keep him fed, NO to beef– we had it last week, NO to pork – it´s unhealthy, NO to fish – „I don´t eat that on Sunday .“,
NO to turkey – the same as with chicken, NO to lamb – he likes it but nowadays you „can´t find tasty lamb“. Don´t you just want to strangle him – figure of speech?
ME, BEFORE: I used to be caught in his web and suffered because HE is choosy and spoiled.
ME, AFTER: I just say, „if you don´t decide by 10.30, I´ll start making chicken.“
Such things extended to all parts of life, which you all well know.
I don´t participate in his fantasies anymore. It was and still is very strange, sometimes I even wonder will HE be OK, things not being at his will, but mostly I feel good. It was almost like recovering from an addiction.
I love my husband, but if he was crazy enough to make me suffer for nothing, I am entitled to a free mind. I don´t have anything to lose. I´ll suffer for and with him only for the „usual“ things, such as sickness, death or kids´ problems. I see now, nothing happened to him, he´ll be OK, and I´m OK, so, I´m doing nothing wrong. Maybe that´s the solution:
WE´RE ALL IN SUCH A POSITION, THAT ASKING TO BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN CAN´T ADD MORE TO THE MISERY.
Now, I´m clear to myself: I allowed him to torture me mentally because my kind of love was unhealthy and I didn´t respect myself. That was step 1 to his respect for me.
„Hence, it is your job to let go of them,(psychologically or actually) protect yourself in the process (serve, love and respect yourself)… and grow (all your life).“ I know it´s not over.
I enjoyed reading this information. Being controlled by somebody has damaging effects to one's self esteem.
Knowing what to do and how to protect yourself is vital
Eric, but after all this, why do u think , u could be a control freak? I mean why does she hides the credit cards from you??? Maybe u don't give the enough confidence as a friend ... The economical issues are important but if u both can't be also friends something is missing... Or u are really a controller hmm difucult I think.
I have been living with it for 15 years and right now cannot leave. I didn't recognize what it was at first.. only that he would get angry over little things. Like a fork in the sink or the babies toys on a blanket in the living room. He wouldn't say anything at first, only get angry and start cleaning as if the house were nasty and I am a good housekeeper. Over the years, I realized I was doing everything to keep him happy and nothing worked. I felt like I was nothing. He cheated on me and then I cheated on him. It was a vicious cycle. I have been fighting back to regain my self worth and it is a fight every day. Just to go to the gym, or finally start a career. His mother is just as controlling and tells me he is the man of the house and I should obey him even if he is wrong. Ha.. not anymore. I've had enough and if I don't get out soon.. he is either going to kill me or vice versa. Therapy doesn't help because he puts on a good show outside of the home. Such a wonderful husband who cleans and cooks and is putting up with so much from his step children and on and on. He is the victim and I am the villian.
This is the exact copy of my life. I mentioned before I achieved a good level of liberation from such kind of life, though not entirely. Anyway, my control freak wants and loves me and whenever he tries to practice his freakery I can see him trying, stopping and suffering. I don´t laugh at him but can´t help feeling satisfaction. After all these years I think it´s fair.
I REALLY wish many of you to do and make something to feel better. The fact is: when we arrive to this website it´s usually too far gone, but everyone should react and stop these outbursts of anger over petty things. It took ME too long to stop them. But whoever sees them and whatever they might be (stupid anger and yelling over soooo unimportant things...) please, please, just say NO, I DON´t BUY IT!
Showing your personality only once might be difficult and risky but believe me it costs much less than years of submission and walking on tiptoes. One sharp cut happens only once while the years eat you and suck your blood.
I have been through three big relationships in my life and they were all either physically or emotionally abusive. I divorced my first husband because he was doing drugs and disappearing for days at a time, when I divorced him I had my mothers emotional support. About two years after my divorce my first husband eneded up in jail and I found my mother dead in my basement. She died of a heart attack at age 46. At this time I had two very small children from my ex-husband. I was stuck by myself and not to mention the mental distress I was feeling from my mothers death. One weekend my friends took me camping to try and make me feel better, and this is where I met my second husband.
When we first met he was so very nice to my children and myself. He made me feel as if I was the most beautiful woman in the world. When we met he was having finacial problems he had just left his girlfriemd of three years because according to him she was a "crazy bitch" and I was dumb enough to believe this, but in my defense I was not right in the head at the time, and I was aching for someone to love me. So I helped him find a job and let him live with me, I supported him. And when he found a job he needed tools for the job which were exspensive, and he needed to pay to be in the union which was also expesive. I ended up using all the money I had saved to vest in him (stupid I know I know, I realize that now that I am in the right state of mind). Anyways things were great he started working and putting all his checks in my bank account. At this time I thought GREAT a man who actually likes to work and support me, and treats me like I am the only person in the world who matters! Well I told him that I did not want to have anymore children and he knew this. I ended up pregnant, and as wrong as it sounds I did not want to keep the baby but he made me feel so bad calling me a baby killer, and a selfish bitch. So in the end I kept the baby to make him happy. I love my little sweet pea so very much. However what I was afraid of happening happened. Slowly but surely he started to control me by calling me names or making me feel guilty anytime I wanted to do something for myself. My biggest problem is in the bedroom. He is very sexual and wants to have sex ALL the time and if I do not have sex with him he fights with me and tells me "this is your fault if you would take care of me in the bedroom than I would not be acting this way". So I fell into that and I started to sleep with him whenever he wanted and still he finds other things to be mad about, he is constantly yelling at me and the kids, and when I call him out on it he says that THIS IS YELLING I was just raising my voice that is a far cry from yelling if you want me to yell I will.
Cont...
. Through out the years my brother and sister and I are very close and they have tried to tell me to leave him, and when I dont they have just distance themselves from me. We still talk but it is not the same as it use to be. I cannot talk to them about this because if I choose to stay with him they will get mad at me. I know they only want what is best for me but I am so scared to start all over once again and now not with two kids but three. And that is the other thing, I have tried to leave him and when I did he went and took our child from the babysitter and held her over my head, and tells me that if I leave I will have to leave my daughter too. I try to tell him that if I left with her I would never keep her from him. Mater of fact after all my ex-husband did to me, he is out of jail now and he sees his children whenever he wants to they have a great relationship. My ex-husband still loves me very much and has said several times he just wants his family back. Yesterday my husband and I had anothr arguement over something so stupid, it is always over something stupid. He disagrees with everything that I say and acts as if I am lieing to him about things. Lately I have just gave in and let him say what he wants and ignore the fact that nothing I say is right. So I finally BLEW up it was so bad that I was yelling back and forth with him so bad that I was short of breath and shaking. I have never been in a
cont #3
relationship like this, I would almost rather have a man cheat on me and disapear on me than live like this. So he did what he always does, he yelled and screamed for like an hour and when he didnt his way, he threatened to leave and when I didnt react to that he started to cry and when I didnt react to that he started yelling again he will just keep this up till I cant take it anymore and just give in. Well I would not give in and he got so mad he srtated throwing things at me so I pretended to call the police and than he got scared and left. And the question you are asking is where was our child, she was right here in her room. My other two children were at their dads. I even said to him several times look at your daughter look at what you are doing to her and it didnt mater he just kept throwing any insult he could, including telling me that I am crazy and that is why my ex-husband did drugs was to deal with me. To tell you the truth he has me thinking that it is my fault my ex left me and it is my fault that he treats me the way that he does. Worst of all he has my older girls feeling as though they are not good enough. He constantly critizes them and everything that they do. I am just so angry even thinking about it, and I am so afraid to tell people about this because I know they will think less of me. I have never been this way ever, I was always so strong and I never let anyone walk all over me, maybe that is what he likes bout me.. maybe I was a challenge for him. He has been gone since yesterday and I just feel I really need to make a decision... i do not know what to do anymore, I do not want to start all over I do not want to be a single mother of three but I feel as if I do not have a choice. Why cant he see that I would stay with him forever...if he would just treat me and my children right.
I realized that my daughter-in-law offends everyone in the room because it comforts her to imagine that she knows what everyone is thinking.
She is scared to deal with an assortment of personalities with an assortment of emotions, so she soothes herself with the fantasy that she has offended everyone, and thus knows what everyone is thinking.
The only funny part about her behavior is the way she still expects everyone to be surprised. Twenty-five years of this behavior, and she still imagines herself to be outrageous, provacative and outspoken. Good grief, she is so predictable, we plan our gatherings around her disorder. "Ann will do her little controlling act, so let's build enough time into the party schedule for her to become comfortable, and then we'll serve the ham, and then we'll cut the cake..."
I sometimes feel bad about having to write her off and ignore her. She is a human being who deserves my attention and respect, but really, she is such a nuerotic bore that it's best to just ignore her. Tolerating her makes me feel bad; no one wants to be merely tolerated. But my gosh, she has made it completely impossible to engage her in relaxed, normal conversation and activity.
i just hav to say thank u sooo much i hav always had this problem with my mom nd couldnt do ANYTHING about it. she always had to be in control of everything. first i thought ok maybe its just nagging. but then things started to happen where she would tell me to do something i would do it and show her then she would get mad THAT I DIDNT DO IT. so thts wen i came to this site for help seeing tht this behavior isnt natural even for a single mom. everytime she would ask something like am i doing good as a mom? if there is anything wrong let me know. you know just to make sure she isnt causing me stress. but if i tell her the truth she would automatically go into defence mode like she forgot wat she asked me to tell her. once i sed *sweetest voice on Earth* well sometimes u nag a lot but thts ok. she of course had an excuse saying tht i just make her so mad. so i came to this site once i couldnt take this bullsh*t anymore this site helped me so much i will try these techiques and hopefully they work thanks again!
I was married to one control freak, controlling me and demeaning me with terrible anger and horrid name calling. He would explode for no reason and then later ask what was wrong with me if I appeared down. Like most victims who continue to take the abuse, I felt that I was the problem, that I needed to be a better wife, etc. Finally I left him -- know what? I felt much better. But I should have gotten some counseling. Now I have been remarried, and although my current husband is not nearly the abusive person my first husband was, guess what -- he is still a controlling person. He gets mad if I do much without him. He accuses ME of controlling things because I don't do everything he says. He shouts and yells when he wants his way. Is this going on all the time? No, thank goodness, or I'd leave him too. But if you are a victim of a controlling person, and if you get out, make sure to have some counseling or you'll repeat the pattern to at least some extent. And by the way, neither man was physically abusive, but I always have felt they could be. There's not a big line between verbal/emotional abuse and physical, is there? It makes it difficult to feel peace.
I have been the victim of a total control freak. She checked my phone, screamed at my friends. She constantly thought I was cheating on her, read my mail, checked my computer. Finally she started hitting me. She filed false domestic violence charges, false stalking charges ect. I was lucky finally because she accused me of trying to break into her house while I was in anoth state giving a speech. She still harrases me, and I am still dealing with it. She hit me in the head with a glass bottle when I brought my kids back from visitation, its way too much.
I divorced my controlling husband after finding out he was having another affair although this time it was at the same place where we both work. He had one years before and I stayed because I loved him and we had small children. The second time I was stronger and less tolerant, during the marriage he would shout and belittle me, making me feel stupid and worthless. It took one hell of a lot to be free and even now he raises his ugly fat head and tries to control me further. Since we spilt he has taken me to court for access to kids, made me out to be some sort of heartless nut to friends, family and police. reported me for harrassment 6 months after we left, sent solicitors letters questionning why I didnt inform him that I had a new partner, refused to have children last minute so I cant go out, spread malicious rumours about me at work, reported me for animal cruelty and has tried to break my spirit and soul. Although all this is hurtful and brings me to tears some days, I'm here, I have my kids, friends, family and a wonderful tolerant new man who is changing me life and belief that love is wonderful and not painful and selfish. Stand up, rise above and you will be okay. xx
I'm 35yrs old and Im dealing with and control freak, and a verbal abuser since my childhood,but moved out at age 18. Due to financial depletion my 9mo old son and I moved in with my mother, she suggested that we should. I hesitated for a while, but moved in. Rent would be 300 a month, she not to interfering with my social life, plus privacy. Since we moved in she'd monitors who I talk to on the phone, tells my company to leave in a hostel manner, she tells you when to turn off my television, and switch electricity off to our room, and its been hot lately, so there's isn't any current to use the air conditioner. She acknowledged her self as mom instead of grandma to my son. She feeds him meals which are cut and not suited for a baby without teeth. He's starting to think she's his mother, by clinging to her, and crying for her. But she doesn't take the responsibility as a mother she calls me to feeding, or the changeing, or to keep and eye on him while she uses the bathroom, as for me I would have to take him with me and use one hand for everything while I hold him.. When confronted about these condition and my concerns she loud, and defensive. I should've learned my lesson at age 18, and never to have come back into the house.
I am 36 year old and my husband and 21 month old baby lives in my mother's house with my mother... due to the fact that I didn't want my mother to live alone. What a disaster it is... we fight everyday. My mother is an emotionally abusive control freak. She would do the following:
1) Control the food we eat (whatever we eat at home or out is controlled by my mom... even though my husband or I always pay for all the food and grocery)
2) Control what I should buy at the grocery store... if I buy more of something or less of something... I would be called stupid and not paying attention of what is in the refrigerator.
3) Control how we should cook hot water as drinking water.. pour the water in the water filter jar first and then put it in hot water cooker.
4) Control where we can use the sink in the house... which is just limited to the laundry room sink.
5) Control the curfew at home for my husband and I.... right now our curfew is around 8pm... if we (my husband, daughter and I) come home after 8pm there is an explanation of what we were doing.
6) Control the clothes my baby wears... if not to her approval... she will go about changing it and calling me stupid for not being able to dress my daughter.
7) Control the whole living arrangement in our bedroom, my daughter's room.
8) My husband and I never invite friend's over... because it is not allowed.
9) Control the way of cleaning the house... even though my husband and I do all the cleaning in the house.
10) Everyday there are new rules on grocery shopping, cooking water, bringing home food, new curfew... sometimes changed to 6pm so that we can eat food at home with her.
11) Listen in to all the conversation between my husband and I... and would sometimes tell me we have so many secrets because I just want to tell my husband things.
12) the list of control is limitless. pretty much I can only go to bathroom within my control.
Eating, drinking, taking care of my daughter is controlled.
Conversation between my husband is limited... because my mother will say things like I have secret or why I talk so nicely to my husband....
It's a horrible experience living with a control freak.... there is no reasoning with a control freak... they will not listen to you at all. Even when you tell them strongly that their view of things are incorrect... they will insist on it and fight will occur. The best way to have peace in your life is to be as distant from the control freak. Never live with a control freak even if it meant to help the control freak... because what happens is that it will hurt both of you.
Living with a control freak is like living in a war... there is constant power struggle for your own life. There is also someone tearing you apart... belittling your everyday...calling you stupid, ugly, worthless if you don't listen and apply what they tell you.
It's horrible.. sometimes I have thought the best way to stop the torture from a control freak is to kill myself... suicide is sometimes an option for me.....I hate myself everyday because I can't do anything even though I have to pay for everything. Also a control freak will limit the things you do but yet doing the things for you based on what they want... but in return they think you don't appreciate them with all the help they provide by doing the things for you...even though you actually don't want to do the things for you. It's quite complicated and miserable life to live with an extremely obsessive control freak... you really can't help them... they don't want your help because they think little of you and your advice...GET OUT THE REIGN OF CONTROL FREAK!
About a year ago I met a wonderfully intelligent, sensitive, somewhat attractive woman in her early 40's. As we gradually became acquainted it became obvious we had many interests in common.
She would occasionally share bits of her personal life and talk about the accomplishments of her successful husband but on the whole stayed quite silent about her personal life.
Noting this screaming silence of someone who was quickly growing to be a close friend I began to make subtle inquiries about family and friends. It has become increasingly clear that she is married to a classic Type 2 Controlling Personality.
With only my interest, caring and praying together she has begun to blossom: she is smiling more, beginning to dress more carefully and is becoming more and more beautiful, spiritually and physically, it is amazing to see.
She still has a teenager in the house for whose sake she is suffering all and is dreadfully afraid of failing in a second marriage so she is determined to stick it out...
I pass her information from your blog and wherever I can find tips on how to deal with controlling spouses and give her all the encouragement I can.
Unfortunately, the husband noted her changed demeanor... she is no longer continually depressed, except after he abuses her emotionally and verbally (including physical intimidation: smashing objects, slamming doors, pounding fists) in one of his famous ongoing outbursts. Now I am his target, he thinks I'm his problem...
I can't abandon her, but am afraid I am making things worse for her... she is my best friend and I care for her deeply... what do I do?
Keep going to be her friend. If her husband is really an extreme, be as discreet as possible.
Nobody, even "normal" people, likes intruders in marriage.
As for her: if her personal change has started for better, good. It would be pity for her to fall back into an old scheme. I hope she won´t. If things go well, at some point she will come to a state of mind where/when she will be psychologically independent, his outbursts will not bother her that much: only as a sort of bad weather that has nothing to do with her. HE WILL NO LONGER HAVE POWER OVER HER.
If she reaches that stage, she will know what to do. Theoretically there will be two ways: 1. she will leave him, or 2. she will stay under new terms, with her as an active part. In case of no. 2. she has to know, he really will never stop being a control freak, but he will be forced to change to some extent and channel his bad energy somewhere else. That kind of marriage will no longer be a "master-slave" situation, more like "two active players" of the game.
Both ways are acceptable,only she must decide which one suits her circumstances.
I have a control freak sister, who is making me crazy. Even though she is younger than me, she has always been the boss. Our relationship has become increasingly difficult. She is often condescending, mocking me or pointing out my flaws and shortcomings, often in front of other people, usually saying that she is just joking. Whenever I go to visit her, we get along fine as long as I allow her to make all decisions about what we do, or where we go, or what we eat. If she visits me, we often have big blow ups because my family, or my work commitments get in the way of her doing what she wants, when she wants.
She also says unkind things about my husband. He is bipolar, and used to drink a lot. However, he is receiving treatment, and has not taken a drink since the day started taking medication, six years ago. And he is a wonderful husband now. She revisits old scenarios repeatedly where he behaved badly, retelling the stories, often in public. She also brings up many embarrassing or painful stories about my past, and she knows it upsets me. She will ask my opinion, and then tell me why I am wrong, and imply that my opinions are stupid. She also claims to be more stylish than me, and says she should be able to tell me what to do with my hair and clothes. I recently decided to change my hair color, and she kept trying to make me promise I wouldn’t do it, because she thought it wouldn’t look good. Then she got angry because I did it anyway. When I don’t take her advice, she says that I am not allowing her to have her opinions. Last month, she got mad because I would not take her advice about keeping my son in a traditional high school, where he was miserable. I calmly told her that right or wrong, it is my and my husband’s decision, but she became enraged. She seems to be angry at me all the time, and she says that I haven’t been a friend to her, and I believe I have bent over backward for her. I listen to her talk every time wants to talk. My husband and I even co-signed her home loan, or she wouldn’t have been able to buy a house. I have helped her move every time she has moved, which entailed a plane trip and a week each time. Plus, I have given her thousands of dollars of work when she really needed it, even when it was highly inconvenient for me. She has financial problems caused by spending more money than she was making. But she says it was caused by her accountant, her old business partners, contractors who ripped her off, etc. All of her problems are caused by someone else – including me. And she tells me about how everyone has abused her, including me - over and over.
I love my sister, and I have fun with her when we are in a situation where I don’t have any needs to be met. However, I am unsure whether or not I care to have her in my life any more. She hurts my feelings constantly and is very difficult to be around. My family, including my parents when they were alive, is very dysfunctional. They have never been particularly nice to me, and it hasn’t changed now that we are adults. What should I do?
1. No Contact will your whole family - IMMEDIATELY.
2. Therapy ASAP!!!
3. Facebook Group for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
http://www.facebook.com/groups/405538969464208/
I tink I am a control freak. My boyfriend has a child with another girl. The girl is very immature and doesn't like me (no reason). She would say nasty things about me to my bf. She is just a nasty person. She trys to control my bf using their child. Saying when and where he is getting him. Who will not be there (me). What holidays he will have, eben though everything is court ordered, she still trys to change it. So I find myself doing reasearch and whatever I can to try to make her not happy using the rights my bf has as a father. When I finally feel like "i got her" Im relieved. When my bf doesn't enforce the information I gathered for him and just lets her do whatever she wants, I get so furious and out of control.I scream and yell and leave him. Then days later I will come back apologetically, and the process starts over again because she is always bothering him. I am mad that she has that kind of control over him and I feel like I have none. Am i a control freak? What should I do? Do I need help?
i just feel more and more scared of what i read here. "i trust u but i dot trust others" this is exactly what he told me. he s my bf and we just engaged.
my father is a control freak.he verbally abused my mother for 30 yrs of marriage.she is a very docile and codependent person and can adjust with him.But me and my sister are going crazy.He is so clever like he has this jekyll and hyde personality,all our friends and relatives think he is a wonderful person coz he helps them a lot(even shells out lot of money to his friends.)But when it comes to us he doesn't spend a penny.when we were in school,he never gave us any pocket money,so we never could go out with friends.he is cheerful outside our home,but he is a completely different person at home.he gets angry easily and is shouting daily.It really affects my studies.Now he is selecting ugly,less prospective husband for me even though i'm getting handsome and well settleed professionals(I'm from India where arranged marriage prevails).its as if he was not happy his whole life,and even we shouldn't spend our life with a guy of our choice and he can see us miserable.
i really feel sorry for him.He could have been much better person if he puts his insecurities,hurt aside or atleast communicate with us,but all the attempts to communicate have gone waste.i'm ready to marry anybody just to escape from his control.marriage is the only way i can get out of this house.And may GOD save my mother coz she is never gonna leave him.
It´s been said long ago all things happen with a reason. Maybe, but I still don´t know the reason why it happened/happens to me.
It´s been a long journey of revelation. Things he did to me were vague, then it was revealed to me they were abuse. Then I realized it was not my fault at all. It was his disorder. Then the disorder got names: control freak/borderline. My mind was liberated, but my practical life is still being affected.
I found out I can handle such kind of life, because I´m a fighter who never gives up. Why? I still don´t know exactly. No, I don´t want to change him or re-grow him. Only that much as it takes along.
He is clear to me and I´m clear to myself. Sometimes I feel sorry for him because he cannot leave his inner cell.
Me and the kids are able to foresee his outbursts and his typical patterns. Yes, this still gives us trouble: we are unhappy because we don´t have a normal father/husband.
But than again, we do love him and we know he loves us and he is mentally ill. Not all the time, not dangerously ill, but still is.
Sometimes when he´s out we cope with this with irony and mocking. Some people would call it disrespect but it isn´t, it´s our way to survive. The children in that age should know what´s really going on, they should call everything by its name, things should not be hidden.
Two weeks ago he had another outburst, I answered back. He moved out of the bedroom, doesn´t want to come back yet.
It´s his little drama which I already know. After a long silence he started to talk to me. His next step would be to ask some favours from me in order to make me talk, then he will buy something "important". And they say women buy compulsively!
Some people I know wonder how I can handle this: it´s not normal. I know it isn´t but somehow I don´t want to be pitied. Not anymore. For a very long time I felt pity for myself but that´s over.
I was married to someone with OCD. It was very painful to have him come home from work every day and tell me I was lazy just because I couldn't keep up after 3 boys. He was insensitive, critical, and very controlling. I finally got the courage to lave him, but it's been very hard raising kids on my own. And my ex still tries to control and provoke me to tears. He found someone younger and his girlfriend has no idea what he's really like. Only myself and our kids have seen this tyrant side of him. It is hard when you realize that your husband doesn't love you and you have to make a decision. I gave up help raising my kids and financial security, but I have too much self respect to let any man disrespect me.
I split up with my bf after 3 years of being called fat.I am 5 7 and weig 150 pounds.hardly obese.in public amongst friends he is charming but out on our own I was not allowed to talk to my friends if I seen them out.sometimes he would walk out of bars if i ignored him for 5 minutes.at the end he was controlling my eating and telling me I must eat a lot in my house as I did not eat much in front of him and I should join a gym to lose my excess weight.he is a lot older than me and a heavy smoker and drinker but I was not allowed to criticize about this.It's hard not being with him as he was good company but i know in the long-term this hurt will be worth it.
that is what i dealt with for 30 years. the verbal abuse was so bad he almost killed me. when i was fat he didnt like me and when i was skinny, he didnt too. he would yell at me for just looks i would get on my face and when i would cry because he hurt my feelings, he would say why are you crying? are you feeling sorry for yourself again? after all of those years, and the man who really loves me telling me that, i couldnt take it anymore and the day before i went to court to divorce him, he spat at me that he would not be there, he could not take a day out of his teaching life for his real life, he will be alone and have no ones life to control but his own,, and hes very bad at it. he has a very small relationship with his 2 daughters,by me, one is now in spokane and my youngest is with me. shes almost 24 and doesnt need that in her life. i think those people end up alone .. my mom is one too. and not nice to my children so thats why i didnt visit her anymore too. had to be this way...had i not left my ex,, i would have been dead in the ground. glad its all over now for us!!!!!!!plus i paid all of the bills on time and never had any late fees, but was accused of stealing his money which made no s ense because thats basically all id did, i never bought much for myself because he made me feel like , and our 2 too, like we were not worth spending time with, much less money on.
Hi ,
I've been married for 11 years to a control freak...got pregnant ..was abused while I was pregnant,hit,pushed ,I looked really good before my pregnancy and gained a lot of weight during that time..then the name calling came ,the house had to be perfect,dinner on time ,I had no friends because I moved from a different country,or family ..I felt so lonely and scared an just tried to put up with it,I even made myself I was happy ,especially after I had my son.he lies to me about his age and forgot to tell me that he had 3 children from a previous marriage ,yes he kept this lie until we got married .Then I guess I grew up ..I wasn't 20 any more and tried to stand up for myself ,but inward punished,he would take my car keys,money and phone away,sometimes my cable so I can't contact my family overseas ..I just lied to myself for years and tried to put up with it for my son because I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of him .Three years ago I got a job and got more freedom and friends and support ,he started acting worse because he lost control of me ( he needed my job due to the economy )
I've been planing to leave him for over a year an in 3 weeks I'm gonna be finally out of this house ..I will not be called a stupid bitch,a count ,a dumb fat whore ,I will not be forced to have sex ..and since I called te police he now touches me in my sleep ..he won't be able to do that anymore ..he also tried to drug me to have sex with him ,put cameras around the house to see what I'm doing aroun the house ..I got a phone in my name because he used to shut it off when I didn't answer him..
For all the moms with young children ..leave now ,my son has been affected by his behaviors ,he knows that his dad will yell or destroy his toys if he doesn't do what he says ..it's just sad
He loves his neat perfect house and I hope he's gonna be happy in it all by himself ..
I wish I left a long time ago ,but it's never too late .
This blog has been very inspiring ,sometimes you think it's you ,or your fault and try to mend it but some things are broken ..
I hope I'm gonna be ok in the end ,my coping mechanism was pretending that all this didn't happened and I hope it's not gonna affect my future relationships with people
He enjoys hurting me and then he tells me he's sorry ...it's just a trap..in the end it's a cycle hot and cold ,that is not love ..I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or even have friends over ...they like to isolate us ,they have to be in the middle of attention ..they are smart and manipulative ..I'm excited for a new life where I can leave dishes in the sink if I feel like it ,invite my gf over for coffe and go to bed without the fear of being sexually abused again ..love for all of you
I too have recently been there. My god i was in hell. I left everything for him, thought he loved me, i fell deeply in love with him. We had a child together, on the outside he was gorgeous, sweet, romantic and charming. But deep down he was abusive. Told what to wear, how to act, i couldn't leave him or else... made me feel so worthless and ugly. until one day i had enough i had to get away as far as i can in fear of loosing myself and my children. Im now having counselling and staying strong to get me and my life back again. Never again
run away as fast as u can, this is a hard miserable life!
just wondering if i am with a control freak? i moved him with him only a couple of months ago. He started putting me down straight away telling me im old ugly saggy and fat. all other people tell me that i'm attractive and young looking - everyone. Now all he does is heavily hint for me to move out. at first it upset me. then i called his bluff and decided that i'm unhappy and so should move out and find someone who will love me. but then he didn't want me to leave. he says he cares about me but has never loved anyone. not even his ex wife who he was married to for 20 years. i can't believe she put up with him for that long! he left her for a younger woman, who then dumped him, possibly for someone else.. however he insists that he never loved her either. He doesn't kiss me but he'll kiss the dog?!
I had experience with a few control freaks in my relationships.My first and second husbands were both control freaks.Here is my advice:if its a new relationship or marriage,get out as soon as possible before you have children,for there is no cure for it and i also agree that its a form of mental disease.However if you have children and you have put up with your husband for a long time,here is what you can do.You can change your attitude towards him.First realize you are living with a mentally ill person,therefore you should treat him as such professionally.Have you met psyciatrists who fight or berate their patients,letting them know they are below them for being sick?No!On the other hand do they give in,obey or let their patients walk all over them?No!They are professionals!Do they enjoy spending most of their life with people with all kinds of mental disorders?No,they made their carrier choice and have to live with it and learn how to handle it,how to be in control of control freaks!
Annushka is right. If you decide to continue living with a control freak, or if you have no other way than to do so, you really must act as a professional. However sad it might sound!
There are only two options: to leave or to stay under completely new terms.
To accept such a life you must be clear with yourself and strong enough to know that every time he/she tries to hurt you, it is a part of his/her personality and its only purpose is not to hurt you. Hurting you is a side-effect that comes from being a control freak.
It is up to you to develop a shield against being hurt. This is the most difficult act of all. To live with a person, try to love that person and at the same time keep a safe distance from him/her.
The same as Annushka, I told myself that my husband is mentally ill. It is not a clinical illness, but it is. I told to myself, OK this is the illness I can accept, such as any other illness.
There are people who can and those who cannot live with the partner´s illness (whatever: cancer, AIDS, being in the wheelchair and mental illnesses).
The most important thing is to find and BE yourself. Living with a mentally ill person is a challenge but it doesn´t mean that you have to destroy your SELF.
I need help PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was married for 15 years then divorced. Started dating and about a year and a half later I married again. My wife now was actually single the whole 15 years I was married. But this marriage is not a marriage. Its all about her as long as she is getting exactly what she wants she ok but the minute she doesn't she acts like a two year old throwing a fit. I have also had her say that her business will come before me along with her friends. One evening she attacked me punching me in the face, pulling on my cheeks, and scratching my face. Then she picked up a plaster garbage can and tried to throw it at me but it fell and broke. So then she picked up a piece and started to scream she was going to fucking kill me. I feel alone and don't know where to turn what do I do
Get yourself to your local Domestic Violence Center. Don't tell her. Ask to see an advocate.
Good luck.
I thought I just opened a book up on my wife with her name! Holy Moly this is so spot on it is scary. I know what I need to do. I also need to reassess what it is I DO to bring or attract people into my life like this article!
My " fiance" is a total control freak all of the above is what this man has done to me. He takes all of my money and his mothers money AND his brothers money ( we all live in the same house) because " he says" its all for the benefit of the house. Is he full of u know what? Should i leave him? I get hurt real easy and in this house for being his fiance i am THE LOWEST ON THE TOTUM POLE AROUND HERE YET I DO EVERYTHING FOR HIM. MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS JENRODRIGUEZ76@GMAIL.COM ...PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS ADDRESS BECUZ IM NOT TO GOOD AT COMPUTERS AND I WONT KNOW HOW TO FIND THIS SITE AGAIN. IM DESPERATE..THANK U
Im a 23 yr old living with my oldest sisteer who will not let me move out. She constantly tells me im a fucking idiot and I will never make it on my own. As of yesterday she hit me and put her hands around my throat and still told me it was my fault. My husband is at the end of his rope , idk if I should just leave or what
Life is hard. You get married, have children, work, do your part, then take a look at your life and think, really? I married a man who, although no one would think so, but he is very insecure. He had an affair for 4 1/2 years. I didn't know it until I received a call from a "friend" who told me that my husband was having an affair with his wife. We had known them for 9 years. I was pregnant with my third child.I was devastated. 18 months after I had my child, I began talking to a high school interest and we began having an affair. I was miserable, and wanted to feel alive and good again. It lasted for 5 or 6 months but, of course, as the story always goes, my husband found out (started checking my cell phone records, etc...complete interrogation). He became abusive. You see, he can have an affair/s, but his wife can't. We had many years of very big trouble. He was physically abusive. At one point, I had him escorted from the house by the police. I had him arrested. I had him removed from the house for 6 months. I felt terrible for my children. They missed their father. I didn't want my children living apart from their father. It was very tough. After 6 months, he moved back in, caused a lot of trouble, but eventually we went to therapy and things got better. We were in therapy for 1 1/2 years. Things were okay for a while and are not terrible today but far from good. He's not a good man. He's a chauvinist. He isn't reponsible or trustworthy. It's tough to try to keep things together for the sake of the children. If we divorced, he would make life miserable for me. He would want me to pay spousal support, wouldn't be kind, etc...he is not a good person at the core. I am not looking for answers, but rather just to vent. My children are wonderful people, but if I could go back and change things I would have never gotten married. It is just not worth all that you can lose when things don't work out.
Sorry but staying together 'for the sake of the children' is never a good idea. You are teaching your children how to treat THEIR SPOUSES or how ALLOW THEMSELVES TO BE TREATED.
Get help and get out and have a peaceful life.
I'm a 26 yr old people pleaser involved with a 40 year old man child who is severely controlling. I need help badly. Mostly I'd like to get others opinions just to make sure I'm not crazy which I'm pretty positive I'm not. I just can't take it anymore and would love some sense right now.
It's so frustrating when you cannot talk with a sense getting through to this guy. Like if one plus one equals two... to him no that's not how he wants to see it so one plus one minus four time ten equals five billion eggs is what the truth is to him cuz he says so. God what in the fudge? How can he think it's ok to come over to my house, wake my whole house up because he's horny and its all my fault and that's not ok with him. So now f me and loads of threats like he's going to send a girl to show me it's not ok to do what I did and I just caused a whole lot of people problems and at this point he gets louder threatening and there's no calming him down while maintaining your boundary u have barely standing. Then he has to call and yell more utter b.s. in which I hang up causing him to come back to my door for how dare I hang up and treat him this way. Then more threats and I'm now in the bathroom feeling sick to my stomach scared from the lack of affect I have on trying to keep the situation calm and under any control. But he's off on another rage and no idea when it'll end or how. Then he will say when he's mad he says things. Now my whole day is already completely ruined by his immature as s who seriously cannot take responsibility for anything yet causes most of the problems and the cycle continues in a never ending non sense never making progress and never successfully able to deal with anything. I am about to lose my mind. I've had him come after my new boyfriends and literally attack them because one was his former "friend" technically. But he says he's gonna not let that happen because that's not ok to him. Yet I was very much in love with the guy who won't see me now cuz this crazy is embarrassing him constantly. God what can I do ?
Yikes! "Your daddy lives you"? So you're explicitly teaching her that THIS is what live looks like from a man? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but don't be surprised when she funds a man just like him.
You need to get her in therapy, and she's old enough that you can be honest and validate her feelings when he does something abusive or unethical. You're teaching her to not trust her instincts by not acknowledging the truth of her feelings. It's practically grooming her for her future abuser. You need to get into therapy to learn how to handle this, for your daughter's sake. ASAP.
OMG! My friend just sent this to me. It is so helpful. I am in the throws of a divorce with my husband and I am telling you sometimes I just want to give up. I am so tired. He has just about worn me down. I will continue to read and try the suggestions.
Its very hard for everyone to live alone after the any relationship,This time is very painful and can't handle easily.
So this will be a bit of a change of pace. I'm a female reading about control freaks since I'm talking (pondering dating) someone who has these tendencies. I used to have some of these traits myself about 10 years ago. Mind, you it wasn't to an abusive degree, but it did stem from thinking I needed to control the situation or it would control me (my marriage at the time). I won't get into my childhood, etc., but it did lend itself to this sort of mindset as an adult. However, now that I have been primarily single for the last 10 years (2 major BF's), I have actually noticed a change in myself. By not always having someone by my side, I have become much more independent, thus changing my internal view of myself and how I treat others. I can say, having dealt with this problem within myself, I can spot it a mile away in others. I'm attempting to break through to the man I'm considering dating since I feel I have a unique perspective, but, as we all know, change only happens when the individual wants/needs it for themselves. My advice to people in relationships with control freaks - get out because they have no right to suck your life away to maintain theirs.
yes my husband controls everything from where items go in the kitchen to having the PO Box lock changed, new keys made and took mine away.
He makes bad decisions that affect the children and control what furniture we buy. I have no say in where everything goes. he just wants a slave to wait on him hand and foot and provide him his sex. he is also addicted to video games. he will lay in bed all day, stay up all night playing video games. Is this a great lesson to teach your kids. He is honestly a control freak with a boarderline personality disorder. He's crazy and I fear for my kids
I'm trying not to be judgemental here, but after reading your post and some others, why do you stay? Life is to short to stay with people who obviously treat you so bad.... I wish the best for you.
thank you for this site! I am trying to help myself and my daughter deal with her dad (my ex). some of the suggestions will be much harder to implement but I am hopeful that we can find some strategies that will ease my daughter's suffering when interacting with her dad's emotional & verbal abuse caused by his need to control.
Thank you, so much, for posting this article. It is just the information our family needs to help our loved one in a new and very obviously controlling and verbally abusive relationship. Again, my sincere thanks.
I am a control freak and it's ruining my marriage. I started seeing a psychologist and my doctor put me on medication. What else can I do to help myself? I have a pattern, I can't have a healthy relationship. I've been married 3 times and I know it's me who has pushed them away. Please HELP ME!
To the poster right ahead:
I don´t know about medication, maybe it helps, but it is not a final solution to your problem.
If you start a new relationship and if you really care about this new person, start thinking before any acting.
Whenever you have a conversation or discussion with her, observe her, listen to yourself, follow her reactions.
You know your bad pattern, admit it, don´t hide it. Say to her: "I am a difficult person, I am on medication, that´s who I am. I might probably hurt you, but that´s the part of my mental state. If you feel you can stand this, you should tell me whenever I cross your boundaries ..."
After these (or suchlike) words, she might run away, which is a natural reaction, or: she might stay with a person which is honest enough to admit a thing like that.
It is difficult, but imagine how difficult is for a person when you hurt her.
You mentioned you know your pattern, so it is only fair that you do not hide it.
Honesty is a base of a relationship.
People who would be brave enough to live with such a person are rare, but they do exist.
Anyway, almost every relationship is difficult, and when you know what you are dealing with, it is a bit easier.
Read, educate yourself about cases like yours, read other peoples´ experiences.
One more important thing: If you ever hurt you future partner (and you will), you should say you are sorry. But not only say, you have to feel it to, so that you can avoid repeating of the damage-sorry scheme.
Hi, firstly to the man who admits to being a control freak and having had three marriages - do us all a favour and stay single - don't risk subjecting another woman to your freaky behaviour. I have been married to the man from hell for fifteen years. He also boasts having the family from hell, all of whom have personality disorders. I was very young when I met him, and being from a family of professional/sane people I honestly had no idea freaks like this existed. I earn double what he does, have continued to educate myself, and have achieved a position in work. This is despite his control,nastiness, stealing, lying, cheating, shouting, and worst of all, poo pooing the struggles I have with him by being Mr Nice Guy to everyone else he meets. This really makes me feel like i am going mad. I got him out of my home a few years ago for a few months and the change in me was profound. I am at that stage again, as his moods are explosive, kicking off if there is a tea spoon in the sink. This is the hypocrisy as he never lift a hand to do any man work, so as a result my house needs painted etc, he has punched through every door, and i can't get things fixed because he has my money spent before i earn it. I feel like i will have to leave the area to get away from this psycho. I sometimes wish that the the care in community policies hadn't come in, as these people are a risk to society, they cause damage to women and children and should be locked up. When i get rid of this idiot I will never look at another man again!
left my control freak after over 30 years of marriage and trying everything to make him happy, no point, the night before the divorce, after he got the papers at work, he spat at me that if i thought hed be there, huh! well he wasnt, i was and now hes gone, he was nasty to our 2 daughters and me, what finally made me make him leave? he started treating our youngest one the way he did me, and i wouldnt have it anymore. he is now alone and they will all end up that way.no more HBP ANYMORE FOR ME AND SO MUCH MORE
I live with one now I have lived with him for 5 years well him and his mommy I clean ,pay the bills and he wants me now to change my belief in order to suit him he says it will do us good .I have yelled,talked ,pleaded and begged for him to stop I have a cancer and im in and out of the hospital a lot last time he had me go to my cousins to get better after I got out of the hospital cause he says it affects him to bad to help me out but he started again on me this morning about I should do this free internet course about letting things go and how I should go to church cause he sees the good in me but I need work so I cant take no more he doesn't hit me yet but when I told him this morning that I didn't want to take the course I have my own way he blew up got so mad he left I told him im done im moveing out and he don't hear me so don't every let someone treat you like that I mean ever
I'm so amazed at how many other people are experiencing the same thing as myself. I have been married to my husband for almost two years and only been together for about three. When we first started dating he treated me like I was his world and after moving in with him everything changed. He deleted every number in my phone and told me I could no longer see my best friend who introduced us! As time progressed he took it upon himself to throw my past in my face and continuously make me feel as though I am nothing. He has laid his hands on me a few times and what shocked me the most is when someone witnessed it they did nothing! Since we have been married the only friends I have are his friends. He constantly goes through my phone and tells me he knows things that are just lies, trying to get me to tell him something I've done wrong, even though I haven't. I can't go anywhere unless he goes too. If I say that I am going somewhere other than the food store or work he gets angry and when I tell him fine I won't go he tells me he will be mad if I don't (it just confuses me). He prefers to spend time with his friends rather than me. I am expected to be at the house cleaning until he arrives home. He just verbally abuses me until I give in and tell him I'm sorry even though I know I have done nothing wrong. We have roommates and he has gone as far as telling them what to do and what not to do. I'm afraid everyone is going to get fed up and leave, leaving just him and me. I already have bad stress and I don't think I can handle that, but we are both still young and I feel as though I am trapped. I just want to say I'm thankful this site exists so I can finally vent. If I say anything to one of my "friends" it just goes back to him.
I'm also a bit relieved that I found this site . It seems like primarily woman post on this site , but I am married to a control freak wife . We have been married for almost 18 years . From the beginning when we started dated she exhibited a lot of controlling behavior. Everything had to be her way .
It seemed like she was never happy , even when things went her way . The other thing that i realized was that she was never affectionate. I was always the one to give her a kiss, hug , rub her back or tell her I love her . Rarely if ever did she tell me she loved me , other than in a card.
I was always the one to approach her for sex . Yes , I quess the sex was good but I could honestly say I never felt loved by her . It was never fulfilling , it always seemed very mechanical. We would both orgasm but she never showed any affection .
I could honestly say , that I don't remember her ever touching me in an affectionate way .
Time goes by and we have two beautiful teenagers .
Over the years we have been to at least 5 psychiatrists, marriage counsellors , etc. Strange enough , it was always my wife who insisted on going to a new counsellor as soon as she heard something about herself that she didn't like .
Not to be without my faults , I admit that there were plenty of times when I had enough with her demands and would explode with verbal abuse towards her .
Each psychiatrist we visited would tell us that my wife has anxiety issues and how I need to learn how to listen better.
Her control behavior starts with what I should wear to who I should talk to and everything in-between .
She has desperately tried to alienate me from my mother , siblings and friends. Basically the only people she invites to our home is her parents and sisters family. She never puts herself out there and invites people to our home but yet is surprised when other people don't invite us . On the other hand she likes to say how I would talk to anyone.
10 years ago when I tried to kiss her during sex , she backed away and told me that she can't kiss me . After our first child was born she stopped letting me touch her vagina . Since then , our sex life is basically non existent . Less and less every year. It has been two years since we had sex. The last time we had sex was just before she talked me into buying her a vacation home . She seems to want a provider but not a real marriage . She is excellent at pretending in front of others including her parents and sister .
The strange part is that , from the time we were married she has always been obsessed with other men . I don't think that she has had sex with them but she seems to have this teenage obsession with them . She acts like a teenager around certain men. Yet she is always has comments about how disgusting cheating men are , and seems fearful that I might find someone else for sex.
We separated for 9 months , she invited me over for holiday dinners and then I would have to go back to the hotel. After 5 months she asked me want I wanted to do . I told her I wanted my family back and she told me she was not ready. At 7 months she asked me the same question then told me she wasn't ready. After 9 months I told her I was buying a home for myself and she freaked out and told me that if I do that , it is over . With some persistence from me after 9 months . She didn't agree with me coming home but relented and told me to do what I want . Five months later , we live in the same house like roommates . No affection. Still going to counseling . It's a rocky road , where now I clearly see signs of "control freak" issues , anxiety that turns into frustration then rage . We sleep in separate bedrooms .
If I survive , I have three years until my youngest goes to college , then I am free !
I have become a shell of a man and I struggle every day to make it to the next . My children and my job keep me going a few more years.
Control Freaks are evil people !
Credit counseling. If shes
overspending have her pay her own bills see how long that lasts. This continued behavior will cause havoc maybe she's calling u a control freak cuz she's out of control. Get help before its too late.
She will have to make the decision.
Run
Run
Give him ring permanently. Move on. Life's too short for games.
U go girl
We had a pastor (in title only......he was no pastor!) that fits this description to a T.
My husband was the churches missionary and a true man of God. We were the main target for him as we joined the church in February 2012. He would constantly be so negative about the men of the church and how they would react to certain things regarding my husband and then when my husband had the meetings with them, there was no problem at all, in fact, mostly the opposite. This blog has enlightened me as to why he 'bullied' my husband. We tried to help him and figured out after much research and study that he must be a paranoid, psychopathic, control freak. He wore the 'control freak' title like a badge of honor!
Anyway, my husband ended up hanging himself.
To me it was just as if he had murdered him.
I have forgiven him, but I don't have to like him.
Now this man is grandfather to my grandchildren because our daughter married his son. Yeah, now he is family!!!!
I have been unfortunate to have had several of these people in my life and one of the most frustrating things I have found is the degree of acceptance they have in ordinary life from other people. As soon as you point out what they are doing to others you get denial from their loyal supporters, which can leave you isolated. Its so easy for them to spin others around their fingers. You have to walk away even if it means losing friends and family it seems.
...all of the talk about not being able to leave because of the financial problems or the kids and all of the smart suggestions on how to deal with him and remain calm & in control are very good and very real to me. the problem i cannot handle is sex. i do'nt feel like having sex with him anymore - we have no shared reality living like this...oh yeah , sure, i can cooly "observe" him trying to spin me in - i can go for a walk & get some space, etc etc - but who feels like making love with someone like this? i have done it just to please him - but there is no real affinity - i need to be loved to feel like love...i am finding it harder and harder to be intimate with a man who calls me a flop one minute and expects me to jump into bed the next.
I've been married to a controlling husband for over 20 years and we have two children. In the early years of our marriage, I was afraid to stand up to him and in fact helped further enable his controlling tendencies by being very agreeable and accepting of his overbearing ways. Recently, he has been critical of me spending time with friends even though he refuses to do things as a family outside of the house. He tries to make me guilty and complains incessantly that I am not a good housewife when in fact, he is retired and he could help out every now and then. I am seeking the help of a therapist to cope. She strongly suggests I bring him to therapy, but he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem and blames everyone else around him. I've come to realize that because of his tendencies that we've become a dysfunctional family. The children are afraid of him and my older child who is a teen refuses to talk to him. I am holding onto the marriage because I love him and I want an intact family for the children, but as each day goes by, I feel my heart breaking and I feel my anger overcoming the love I have for him. Is there hope? He's been able to change in the past on some issues because I stood my ground and I know he truly loves me. But I feel my insides rupturing and I find myself having to fight off anxiety and depression.
Does it just take time to heal - to learn to be strong again, after leaving such a relationship?
my boyfriend tells me if I cannot control my kids he will leave me. He says he has begged and pleaded with me to change, and that now he is done giving me chances. The only thing is I thought I had changed, and everything was okay and it feels like one day he just snapped on me. He tells me I am the reason he cannot see his daughter and that his family hates me. He says that I rely on him to deal with my kids and so everything thinks that he is the bad guy and he is tired of it. I never asked him to step in with my kids, and when I try to be a mom to them he steps in anyway. He hasn't come home for a few weeks now. He stopped by randomly, and says that its not better, and that I'm not trying with my kids and that he refuses to come home. My kids are sick this weekend, and I told him that I am keeping them in bed to get them better, everything was fine until I needed to get more cough medicine for them, and I had to take them to the store with me. He came home, and then called me and got mad cause my kids weren't in bed. I got back from the store, and my kids went immediately back to bed and he decided to tell me he drove past the house today in his friends car and he saw my kids playing, which I let them play for 5-10 min before we went to the store. He got really mad over that.. and he continued to tell me that I am lying to him, and that he is spying on me and is going to continue to do so because he doesn't trust me. That eventually he is just going to leave and it will be my fault.
I am so happy to find this site. I have been married for the past 29 years to a man that is verbally,mentally, and emotional abusive. I started keeping a self journal almost 2 years ago. I was so ready to leave him 9 years ago but my child was still a teen and my mother had just passed away so I stayed. When I was prepared to leave I had found out he had put ads out for gay men on the computer. I went and had my self tested for aids. I did stick it out for my daughter, but now she is married and gone living in another country. almost 2 years ago he started being really abusive and everything was me. I was the one who was always mad he said. I have been lonely, depressed, and desperate for years now. I was going to leave him after chiristmas in 2012, but as fate would have it I had a series of family members pass. I was very close to 2 of them and with all this I had taken my goddaughter in. My husband had known since my aunt had gotten sick that I had said I would take her in and he agreed to this. Sh has been with us for over a year now and is almost 17, but he is so mean to her. He had a heart attack last week and had a stent put in. I of course felt like I would help him out because he had been pretty good for the past month or so. Well I bring him home on saturday and he was mean to her verbally. I was trying to be nice so I let it ride. The
next day he says that kids a pain in the ass. Now mind you this is a good kid not in trouble and attempts to help out but it is just not good enough for my husband. One reason my house looks like crap. She was gone and I allowed her to stay gone for a few days. So I just went about trying not to upset him after all I have been tiptoeing around for 29 years. Finally towards the end of the day he says to me "Whats your problem?" I calmly said to him she is not even home and you are giving her a hard time. He yells at me "I hate that f***ing Kid" now with that said I have totally decided I am done and will not continue to help him out. My uncle has left me a house and it is paid off. I have been fixing it up with the help of my brother. Once the doctor tells him he can continue with his life my new life will begin. I have been sneaking my belongings out that I will not live without. What hurts the worst everytime he does his crap is he never appologizes ever. He just acts lick nothing has happened like I was in my own nightmare of horrors. I do think I will need to find counseling for myself since I will have a hard time trusting men again. I like so many other woman on this site feel like I am crazy but now I see it is not just me. I have tried to leave him so many times and he just harrase me but this time I can stand on my own!
Hi all...I came across this blog after scouring the internet to see if my husband is a control freak,,,and indeed it seems so:(
However ..although early days, I am goingh to fight and use the advice on here to gain control of my life again and my 15 year old son..Last week I woke up and burst into tears my head felt like it was going to explode, but I knew it was the start of my fight back..my husband has bullied me and my son so much this was SNAP time for me..how pathetic am I to put up with this destructive behaviour...I feel a terrible mother..my fight is this..my son does not want us to separate..he loves his dad and is afraid...however he knows his dad is a control freak and hates this...
My husband shouts and barks orders at us all the time, contols everything..he has been much worse over the last 3 months and taken the banking way from me and the laundry because its not good enough for him and I make mistakes..he shouts in my face, points his finger at us..leans over us menacingly...if anything donst go HIS way he shouts at us for over an hour and if I try to reason with him or stick up for myself and my son it makes him worse because he has to win the argument...He has stopped me from doing my hobbies of writing and painting and stopped me from going to the gym only to turn round now and say im lazy anmd don't do anything...that im boring, mundane and everything is my fault. My ppor son is depressed, he broke down in our garden and sobbed like a baby asking him to stop this behaviour and stop his bullying..my husband didn't bat an eylid..this was my son trying to be manipulative and break us up he said and walked off..no emotion...things are so bad that if my son ties his laces the wrong way my hubsnd wil verbally abuse him for at least half an hour..my son has to be in bed by 9pm , cant have any friends, unless my husband agrees with them which he never does so my son is very lonely.has to do things in a certain order for my husband or he wil let rip with us..WOW hes done a good job at dragging us down! I have fallen out with my mother over him, my eldest son left our home due to his anger..why couldn't I stick up for myself? but my son wants me to stay??
My patience with him has gone over the last week..I can now see what he's doing to us...I have the strength to leave but my son does not...any ideas...my son is a national sportsman and branching up to international level..im afraid that causing him a break up will hinder his caeer..as we speak he has come in to sort this out and is shouting over me and just cant see my point of view..life sucks...
I have been involved with a CF for a few years. Thanks for this website, it helps to identify the problem. His behaviour was so bizarre to me that I spent years having massive arguements with him, trying to rationalise with him with no apparent success. But Im extremely stubborn and so adopted this policy of whenever he complained about how I did something, I just stopped doing it. I realised that I had to do this when his 5 year old son started repeating his fathers criticising words to me when he was angry. That is how a monster is born!! So I stopped cleaning the house. I stopped cooking. I stopped doing the laundry except for my own stuff. When my partner complained about it I repeated his complaints and said that I didnt want to disappoint him and he should do it himself or hire someone to do it because he didnt appreciate it when I did it for free. I told him that I didnt work for him and to stop treating me like a poorly performing staff member. That this was my home and I was doing these things out of kindness and trying to be helpful and I was being rewarded for that behaviour with nasty criticism. He improved over time but then started to withdraw into himself and more recently announced that he didnt "like" me anymore and wanted to move on. This also confused me because he decided to move on when things (to me) were getting better. But after reading this site, perhaps he just realised that he will never be successful in molding me into a co-dependent. Its sad because I love him now and am glad that I didnt support his control freak behaviour, even if it meant losing the relationship. If I did it would mean that I failed to be the true friend that he needed by not forgetting to help break the cycle. Maybe I have not helped him and he will find someone else where he will do the same. But my conscience can be clear that I didnt support that behaviour when it came around to me. I must say though, that I didnt come out of it unscathed. I now display some bizarre overly defensive, overly reactive behaviour that I have to consciously correct. Not just with him but with everyone. Its a long road to mental health...
well, the post above resembles very much my life. I completely agree that it IS a very long road to mental health.
I wrote here before. In the meantime I learned a lot about projecting some things in a very odd way: blaming some things on me, which are actually his fault.
Frankly, for the expert the method of psychological projection is not odd at all, but for someone who is experiencing it, it might seem odd.
My first stage of liberation from my husband´s "bad" influence was strength of endurance and ignoring.
That was not enough, it still left a great deal of pain in me. I had to rearrange my boundaries and really see behind his actions, so, whenever he complained about something, it was not about doing the thing properly or just leave it be, it was about understanding why he does it.
And yes, he, too, did not like the new me, when I changed the tune.
And it was/is HIS pain and his unresolved matters with himself. He is hurt and confused and insecure, so he tries to impute all this to me or to our children.
I had to understand this, but not to approve it, just understand and see what could be done. Therapy is surely the best way to start some things, but he still does not see
the need for it.
I can see him struggle from time to time.
Example: on a day when he is full of rude and bitter remarks, my firm responses to this and our childrens´ demonstrative leaving the room, he just keeps sitting staring at the TV but not really watching. He puts his head in his hands and despairs in silence. I pity him, but I do not want to show the pity, because he hurt us with his words.
It took me a long time to accept the fact that I live with a man who has a mental disorder.
My boyfriend who I dated for 2 years long distance before we made it official and moved in together, essentially missing our families, 5 years ago is beyond the control freak persona! He is in his own class of this type of personality disorder as i righteously believe that he enjoys the level of tyrannical power that he wields over me. I cannot have a normal conversation with him, as t even the little calm chitchats that we have are truly just a part of his manipulative behavior; he uses his calm moments as examples of how "nice he can be" to me only now (whenever I don't agree with him, he doesn't like what I say,and he gets angry because I don't forego my opinion) he MUST MAKE ME FEEL PAIN, EMOTIONALLY, PSYCHOLOGICALLY, AND OFTEN ENOUGH, SPIRITUALLY, WHAT HE TRENDS "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I'M GOING TO FIX IT!"
I am one of those women who had found herself stuck with a closet abuser...the type whose family keeps out on the hush hush, whilst blaming the abused woman for any "baaaaaddddd" behavior that their family member displays..usually only the tip of the iceberg ever shows through for them to see.. And for that they harshly condemn the abused woman with their own abuses!
One particular aspect or statement that I would like to point out as being not always valid or true, and of which completely varies on a case-by-case basis, involves the statement that (controlling) people are NOT trying to hurt you.. I COMPLETELY beg to differ in my case, as with my boyfriend he is ALMOST ALWAYS LOOKING FOR WAYS TO TEACH ME A LESSON, "show you something" and whatever he does usually involves something with a deep and lasting psychological effect. The craziest thing about it is that I try to block out his attacks on my psyche, and instead I should just left long ago (I suppose). It's his kindness and dedication to my children that keeps me anchored to him.
I am ashamed of who I have become.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and was also a functioning alcoholic. I am the youngest of three girls and while mom spent a lot of time trying to control my sisters, she basically abandoned me at age five. My father was ineffective and enabled my mother. He is now deceased.
My first marriage was to a man I met while still in high school. He was also narcissistic and controlling though it didn't start off that way. He was quite the romantic at first. When I moved in with him after graduation, he began to show his true colors. I was young and insecure and because of my upbringing, I thought if someone says they love you, they are allowed to treat you badly and you are supposed to take it.
Fortunately after a few years, I had an epiphany and realized I didn't have to live that way, nor did I want to. The marriage was short-lived, no kids, and I was able to move on and take control of my life. I've made plenty of mistakes since but at least it's on my own terms.
My second husband is a good guy. We have a lot in common with a similar upbringing. He is the youngest in his family, his father was an alcoholic, his mother the enabler. So our marriage basically started off as two people enabling each other. That worked for a while but ultimately caused problems. Fortunately we've worked through those issues and are still together after 30 years.
I am now in my late 50s. After years of drama and attention-seeking from mom, she is finally in a care home where the caregivers now have to put up with her shenanigans. At least they are paid to do it!
My oldest sister is a controlling bully. This blog describes her exactly! It is tiring and hurtful to put up with her digs, the nastiness, and her need to undermine. As a younger person, she at least used to be fun sometimes, but now is just miserable. She is always saying how she doesn't trust anyone, wears it like a badge, but ironically she is the one that can't be trusted.
My middle sister sways with the wind. We were quite close when we were younger but when I married my present husband while she was getting divorced, she dropped me completely. When I asked her why, she said we had nothing in common. Then she remarried ten years ago and I was suddenly her friend again. But now that she is divorcing hubbie number two, she has basically dropped me once again.
I have managed to maintain relationships with my sisters over the last 20 years mostly because of having to deal with our mother. At least we were united in that. However, it sure feels like I have made the majority of effort to have some semblance of closeness. I am usually the one that calls or visits, but I think I am finally tired of investing in these relationships and getting so little in return. It is sad but I think I have finally come to realize that I will never have the love and support that I had hoped for from any of them.
I am very grateful, though, that I have a supportive husband and good relationships with our two sons. My husband and I have tried hard to overcome our upbringing and have a normal family life and I am proud of that. It takes self-awareness and willingness to change and grow, but it can be done.
I have been living with my bf for 6.5 years. In this time I have been taking care of financially for about 4.5 years. We have been fighting a lot for the last 2 which has become physically abusive as I got so angry and trying to get away from his shouting and insults, I pushed him away, then he grabbed my expensive phone and was trying to trample it to pieces after throwing it on the floor (I got home 7 minutes later than usual from work due to late bus and failing to take photos of myself waiting for bus and then in bus and when I walked in the front door,I was being told I'm a liar, having affairs and am a whore, I most probably was seeing my new bf,etc etc) , I hit his arm and then chest trying to get him off the phone. I eventually left the flat after climbing through the bathroom window. He took keys and locked the door. Now every time we fight (same fights: I am a liar, lying whore: I have to sleep with my hands above the bedding as I am masturbating when he can't see my hands, I can't put my hands under my head/pillow - I am hiding an earpiece that I'm listening to "my lover" all night,he can hear someone's voice or murmur in bedroom all night) I don't react for hours, but as soon as I've had enough and start reacting, he stops with saying: so what, you gonna hit me now, isn't that what u do? U hit me, u abuse me!.... He got a job now and have been working for a month. I have been sick for a week and all I hear is that he won't be able to give me the attention I need for the next few weeks as he's trying to be his best at new work and can't be sidetracked as its all new and overwhelming. When I needed money for medicine (my money went for rent,food, everything else as usual), he said that he can't give any as he bought music equipment. He bought the same phone as mine which gets locked when he is home, he works late every day, and suddenly he has no more interest in scratching through my clothes and phone. When I asked him one night why is he 4 hours late, he said I'm a sad jealous little girl that has issues that I need to sort out! What the.....?!!!! I am angry, disappointed, sad and I don't know what else I feel. His response to me needing money is that I want payback now and want vengeance and feel he owes me! I felt like killing him as he said that. I am so confused all the time.
We stay as we have no money.no confidence.no self worth.no freinds.
uprooting the children from the home is too traumatic as a change of school etc and they will wnd up taking it out on us.
omg my husband used to say that!!!!!its not you I dont trust.....wow
Great advice and very accurate. I have to say I'm one luck person who went to the CBT therapists only 11 months into my marriage bc of course it didn't start until once it was official and we moved for his amazing career. However, I never made two wrongs a right. I've been gone for three months and he's so angry, worse now bc the power is not there for him. Nothing hurts more than to know I played no role to be treated the way I was treated but to know that he admitted he would rather save his ego than ever admit the abuse or that he has NPD even if it meant losing his marriage. Yet, he won't divorce me and is either pissed off one day or telling me how he's devastated and depressed. Still has to be right about everything, tellingly if I come back we can try together. I tried for 12 months and he called it drama. He's lucky I haven't taken him to court with all the abusive texts and 4 journals of stories, along with medical records showing the emotional trauma I was put through that literally was hindering my physical heLing from a major surgery. Why do people that have such potential lack common courtesy, compassion and empathy? Is it that hard to be consistently nice to someone who is that in return.
Anyone who tells you who to be and how to be, think, feel, say, do etc is abusive, controlling, insecure and it doesn't get easier or better unless they seek help first. I've lived and learned. It's literally a cycle of power and control. Look up the power and control wheel and the cycle chart of abuse. It's 108% accurate.
I am married to a guy who is a control freak. On several occasions he has emotionally controlled me. I got married when I was really young. He is 10 years older than I am. We have been martyred 6 years now. I have figured out a way to minimize his controlling behavior to an extent but at great cost to myself. He always points out the flaws in my friends, gets kind of sad when I get a new friends, he doesn't say that he doesn't want me to do things but when I want to go out with a friend or travel home alone to see my parents it's a big deal to him, he doesn't like me to do anything alone which usually ends up with me sitting on the couch glued to the TV with him, he says I'm his best/only friend and that's how couples should be. He blames is faults on other people. When I joined the military he told me he didn't want some 23 year old to be in control of his life. I tried to leave him on several occasions but he has a way with words that make me feel like a terrible person for wanting to leave. I cheated on him and told him about it but he still wouldn't leave me. Now he is trying really hard to keep me happy which is great but I don't make him work anymore, anything he wants I but for him, I don't leave the house much unless it's for work. I'm a workaholic more and I want to be surrounded by people all the time. My self esteem has just disappeared. We live a regular everyday life. Every day is the exact same. I am slowly becoming a pet.
Thanks for writing this post. My husband's sister is a control freak, and now that she's getting married she is really full throttle. Now I recognize after reading your post that she must just feel totally out of control right now. The repetition also makes more sense now - this is her fourth engagement in as many years, and each time the same pattern plays out, she makes herself into a victim and breaks it off. She tried it with this guy, too, but he somehow pushed through and the wedding is back on. Now she is set on controlling everyone, including my husband. It drives me insane to hear how she insults and belittles him. And yes, the threat is always, if he doesn't do what she says, she'll be unhappy and stop talking to us. That actually sounds rather nice to me, but we don't want to give up on the relationship. I mostly just stay away with the excuse that I have a baby to take care of. Thanks for the advice about engaging in a calm manner and setting your own pace. She tries to make people feel tense around her, but I have always refused to let her make me feel negative, and she doesn't pull so many antics around me anymore. It's nice to read something that describes exactly what we're going through!
My older sister tries to control me all the time. It took me years to figure out why she was always making me secretly angry and resentful.
She acts like she loves me, but she is constantly watching me and commenting on my behavior. She wants me to wait on her hand and foot, and 'do' things for her that she finds unpleasant or hard.
I am a 39 year old man who has lived through years of hell. For such a long time I thought I was the problem, because I was made to believe it.
I stayed for the children and I can only hope that the love and time i invested in them outweigh the fighting they witnessed. I made the very hardest decision a dad could make two years ago. It has taken an incredible amount of time, effort, prayer and tears but I am healing. Things can get better. Hopefully she has not completely stripped you of your self-worth and manhood. When I left, there was nothing left of me. I had been kicked, punched, slapped, disrespected... The whole nine, but all that pails in comparison to what she did to me.
I'm sure you love her but you need to know that to her you are a means to an end. She hurts you to make the agony within her go away. Also, it's not you. You ARE being abused! It's not just in your head.
Your kids are old enough to see her for who she is, also they are old enough to deal with you having to leave. (Worst case)
My advice, get as much evidence against her that you can. Video, audio of her abuse, document everything. Everything! Keep it hidden.
Reason why is simple, you want to care for your kids right? Do your homework first. Then get an attorney. Do not cave in and tell her what you are doing. Then when your attorney believes you have a solid case, drop it on her. Otherwise she will work you over hard core.
If that isn't an option then you MUST, for your own sanity, health and future walk out. Be absolutely sure the children know why and what will happen. They need to know it is nothing they have done. Because a controller is very good a manipulating children with half truths, lies and her own opinions.
There is so much advice I have only through my own mistakes. You have taken the first step and that deserves respect.
In less than two weeks I'm going to court and I am going to be divorced and have custody of my kids.
If you know The Lord, He is the only way you will be able to heal, regroup and move forward. If you do not, I pray that you understand, taking this on without Him is a lonely venture.
I leave you with the verse that has kept me from giving up, Jeramiah 29:11" For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I'm honestly at my wits end :(. He's out of control and over the top. He says it's from withdrawing from the cigarettes. I just stay silent while he's screaming and throwing things and calling me and my daughter names and telling me how worthless and stupid we both are. Thank god my daughter is at her friends house. He's the worlds biggest control freak with the worst OCD in the world and a raging alcoholic who has been in rehab three different times in the 7 years I've known him. I feel like I should just have my poor daughter come here and sit and watch tv with him and coddle him so he calms down. His own daughter is a 17 year old selfish out of control serious bitch that rebels against him and her mother every chance she gets. He is still married to her mother btw. I make very stupid choices in my life :(
I wished I could have just upped and walked away from my controlling, hateful, and degrading ex spouse, but the house where he refuses to budge from is mine. I purchased it before marriage and before I ever knew him. Most of the belongings are mine too. He threatens to destroy all my stuff if I make him move. I finally divorced the jerk and thought that would get rid of him, but now it's another problem. To top it off and to spite me, he moved his mother in while we were separated and I was away for a week. So now I have to evict both of them I guess.
Wow. I can't believe I have lived for 13 years not knowing what kind of storm I have been living in. Just this week, as a last resort, I typed "living with a control freak" and wow, I found so much... I have reading all week. I cannot believe all these comments, they are all my life. So relieved to at least know what it is and that I have not lost my mind. Thank you to this site and those who have shared!
What if this control freak is my mama? She been creepin on me trying to find evidence to lock me up. The past 5 months have been the happiest months of my life, I've been experiencing life the way it is supposed to be experience, I thought my mama was finally letting me be a normal teenager, turns out she was creepin on me and my homies 24/7, she let me have the time of my life so I would have my guard down then she stroked, she found something to use against me so now I'm back to square one, imprisoned inside my "home". Term just finished, was looking to relax after the most rigorous term of my life, averaged 8 hrs in school cause of my hectic schedule, then after all this bullshit my mother pulled I have to work for my papa the whole break, man I'am gonna freak out. Nothing was going wrong man, nothing, everything was fine except for her, cause she always wanted control everything, if she don't got control she would freak out and start creepin' and sniffin'. I fucking hate her man, I'am imprisoned at home, can't play basketball, can't go to the fucking gym, my body is great right now, worked the past 8 months conditioning it but now all that's going to waste, was suppose to fix up my knee this term break so I can get back in the court, all of those plans in the toilet cause my mama can't keep her nose away from my ass. Always creepin', she a fuckin' enemy, I understand her concerns but this is just too much man, feelin' strangled here man this is bullshit! I didn't kill nobody, I didn't steal shit! I was just having the best time of my life but I had this snitch creepin' up on me. Everytime she screamed at me didn't matter cause its all about keepin' your head up, now my anger is sky high, never felt this angry before. Then she says she provides for me, man everything she gives to me has a fucking string tied to it, material blackmail man. She also tells me she don't have money to repair my torn ACL, but she got money to fix up my face?! Man just say fuckin no you two-faced snitch. Man I fuckin' hate her! She also loves judging me based on the way I dress, the way I talk, my musical taste. She also a wrong feminist, you know the feminist that looks to put woman on a higher level than man instead of looking for equality. Man I fucking hate her! She says she'll always be like that? Man I wanted to tell her I'll always be a nigga no matter what she says. Man I fuckin' hate her, she just destroyed everything because of her addiction for power and control. Man she also says my homies are bad, man my homies are doing good for their lives and they good people, they got jobs, they got everything together, and they positive, they help me keep my head up whenever shit goes down, or whenever my mama starts exerting all her negativity on me, now I can't see them anymore cause of this bullshit she pulled. Same thing happened with my aunts, uncle and grandma. Can't go to their house like before cause my mama hates them. Man she just takes away the positive things in my life then exerts all her negative bullshit in me then she says I'm negative? Man fuck that shit, everything was well until she fucking snitched in my room. She used what she found against me then boom! Life over! Man all my life I've always told myself to keep my head up and just grind, work and all that. But now I don't know man, everything is just fucked up, she just busted everything man. Cause of her addiction for control. Man I fucking HATE HER! MAN FUCK THIS SHIT...
I fell in love with a woman and we had a long distance relationship over a two year period. We visited each other as often as we could, spent time together in Skype, talked on the phone, Facebook, emails, etc. She was always loving, friendly, affectionate, intimate, and showed no signs of controlling behavior. I finally decided to pull up the chocks and move to her country.
When I moved in with her I noticed a drastic change in her and I soon realized she was an anal control freak. It was then that I realized that the first two years she had been putting on a good act. She also has a 7 year old son that she shares custody with her x. She screams at her son and me daily, nothing we do is right and everything must be on her terms and her schedule. I can take it, but I feel sorrier for her son.
EVERYTHING has to be her way. Dare I move something around in the house she has a fit and puts it back proclaiming it's hers, don't touch. If there is any hair left in my hair brush she has a fit and calls me a slob, and I am a very neat and well organized person. I don't feel at home in my own house. I am a successful well to do engineer and musician, and a survivor. I have always had a knack for pulling myself out of bad situations.
I have tried many times to talk with her about these things but she doesn't talk, she yells. Like your article says, she always seeks to beat me down and the conversation is never a conversation, it's her talking me down and imposing her way. She will not listen to anyone, not even her own parents. I have to close the doors and windows because I am embarrassed and fearful our neighbors can her ranting and raving every day. I wind up leaving the room and going behind a closed door to get away from her. Sometimes she follows me and forces her way into the room still ranting and raving. She is not content until she feels she has beaten me down with her point of view.
This is especially difficult for me because I was raised by a narcissistic control freak father who was mentally and somewhat physically abusive. But perhaps that experience strengthened me because I seem to be able to stay calm and walk away from my wife’s abusive behavior without taking it personally, most of the time. I sometimes chuckle inside while she’s losing it because some of the things she rants about are menial ridiculous things that don’t deserve so much energy. I’ve learned to conserve energy over the years and pick my battles far more carefully. Some things just need to roll off your shoulders.
She sleeps with her 7 year old son every night in his room instead of me and for the past 4 or 5 months our intimacy has gone downhill, she stopped having sex with me. She gives me reason why she doesn’t want to have sex, she stopped taking the pill and says doesn’t want to have sex because she is afraid of getting pregnant. Our sex was always great during the first two and half years and was one of the strong points of our relationship, now my heart feels sick as I long for her affection, but she gives it very infrequently and our intimacy has gone down the tubes. She spends all of her “spare” time on her mobile phone in Facebook, WhatsApp, even in bed at night for 2 hours I’ll lay there wanting to make love and she’s on her mobile phone not even realizing how neglected I feel.
Over time my decision to bail out has strengthened. I am planning my escape route and just waiting until I can make the necessary plans to do it while she is at work. I cannot discuss it with her because she will go ballistic and who knows what lengths she will go to. I have been here before many years ago. My previous marriage lasted for 27 years, she was tragically killed on her motorcycle, but before that I had a couple of rough one’s that I had to pack and bail on. When will I learn to choose someone who does cause me grief? Why do I choose losers? I must learn to choose my partners more carefully.
thank u so much, it was a great help, it really helped me brighten my point of view and helped me to think abt a way to handle a type 2 control freak friend
My husband died last year after a difficult illness. I was happy with him and we loved one-another dearly.
However, I have a controlling brother and sister-in-law,bwho soon stepped back into my life on learning of Keith's death.
They have a lovely side to them, they can be like angels towards me, sending me presents and talking nicely on the phone.
Shortly after Keith's death, I stayed with them on a few occassions. They could be really supportive, but then it could change suddenly and they could become really critical, running me down, criticizing me and belittling me, sometimes in front of other people. It was hurtful and I soon distances myself from them.
Then this Christmas my brother phoned up and wanted me to come and stay with them again. He is retiring next year and I don't know what will happen.
I don't know how to take either of them; it is doing my head in because I don't know how it will be from one moment to the next.
My brother wants me to move closer to them but I don't want to do that; or to give up my job to go and live near them.
I can't say whether they are nice or nasty, because they can be both. Sometimes I feel i have to walk on eggshells around them.
My brother once hit me on a few occasions when I was younger. He also hit my mother, just like his father used to.
I am not sure about his capacity for violence now as he is getting older, but the emotional abuse is still evident.
I don't know what to do to protect myself from these two; at least my late husband used to hold him at arms length. He never came near when Keith was with me; now they want to come back into my life.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Should I just move as far from him as possible or just stay where I am? it is much more difficult to get away from family members.
There is no shame on your part, the error is not yours. If anything it is only your kindness and willingness to forgive that were taken advantage of. It is nothing to be ashamed of that you didn't fully understand the thinking and psychology of a controlling or abusive person. The shame and moral burden is on his side, and perhaps he too experiences much destruction from his own actions and needs help (professional, I.e. it is not your duty or responsibility). 'No soul shall bear the burden of any other soul' Often times it takes time to see and understand a situation and then get out of it. Use it as a learning experience - make careful observations, ask probing questions, and most of all just think through things calmly over time. This will help you with gaining emotional distance. Many prayers and much love
Xoxo
Thank you for sharing :) last night I did a lot of reading on the subject of control freaks then came across this site I am so glad I found it. This blog is like a safe place to share and air out our dirty laundry. Thank you for the creator of it I believe it will serve as a empowerment tool for all of us. I too I'm tied to a man who behave the same way.We have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years as boyfriend and girlfriend the title is now friends. Never have I allowed myself to remain in a relationship where I dumped someone so many times and vice versa. In spite of his horrific behavior I am still emotionally attached and all to loyal. I found that making time to focus on things that build me up and making friends or maintaining simple friendships with people who simply treat me with kindness respect and appreciation have helped me to feel happy again and more normal. It's also helping me to minimize my all to deep feeling of attachment. I have not yet let go of him but I am feeling stronger and believe that that day will soon come. I'm little by little taking back pieces of me and using them to helpmyself build a world outside of him.
Maybe he is choosing to remain ignorant of the costs of things or refusing to have financial discussions that honor her input. Maybe she has a husband like I did, who refused ANY discussions about money called his earning HIS. money, was cheap, stingy, never gave a thought to needs or wants, treated me like a child and insisted anything that wasnt mailed as a bill was unnecessary and forced me to use credit for all other needs. A husband by the way that had a good salary, and always left being the heavy and all the male and female home tasks to me .
Who after 37 years of me being the support of HIS career beterment,,,refused to pay those bills off on retirement, and tried to leave me with a run down everything (too cheap to ever fix or pay to have fixed anything). Never bought let alone used a tool and had well over a quarter of a mil. In his retirement accnts but told the family he had no money, tell mommy to put it on a credit card.
In MY name. That is because the ass knew I would get those bills in the divorce. I prefered these bills over him and yes I filed first.
Years of this self centered, man childs abuses.
HE, HE,HE, no I am not laughing at you but trying to get YOU to see what He has done to your brain. You are no longer thinking logically, but only as HE wants you too.
My ex controlled all the money too. Oh I could write checks and use credit cards but there was always a game of would he pay them or not. That was my trap. He did Nothing but work.with yard work as his recreation.alone 24-7. If me or the kids went outside he blew the leaf blower on us.set up the sprinkler to get us wet, refused to talk with anyone or moved away to the back of our 3 acres and did everything in his power to avoid us.
So many manipulative and abusive manuvers I tried to understan, until I realized he was a nut job....on a all about him power trip.
You must stop thing from the perspective you are. This is about YOUR emotional.financial, and physical survival. Period.
He has instilled fear and helpless into your thinking. That spells danger for you.
Get your needed documents in order, beg or bortow money or get a credit card while you can and Do Not Tell Him or let him know till after you have used it to start paying an attorney to file and freeze all accounts immediately...you must start this..it will give you some advantage..maybe.
You can bet..he has been hiding money for years, you dont want him getting access to more to use to win financially in the divorce.
All of this will be vary hard emotionally and financially.
Everyone will give you bad advice, sometimes your own attorney. Read all you can an believ only half of that.
There will be casualties. Better things than you.
He sound very controlling and mean. Men with money usually ate. They want an unlevel playing field to win and intimadate.
You need to know your divorce laws for your state, do that first. It will help you prepare.
Even if you dont file, with these situations better to find out where you stand while still financially secure and not in a total crisis.
Hope you get peace and start think about YOU and your kids with your feelngs not his.
He wont change.
Start looking for a place you can raise your kids without him. I personally went through this as a child, and living with my granparents for a year was a small price to pay to start emotionally healing. Give your kids access to councillors so they dont pick up his traits. It took me 10 years to get back on track. Your kids will thank you as i have my mom everyday for leaving him
I was with one for decades, It started out with simple jealousy to isolate you from everyone; as the jealousy increases and a warning to other women, it will eventually lead to violence if you stay around. I not saying maybe, if you have a real control freak there is no benefit only pain if you don't get him out of your life. It doesn't matter if you have kids, get them away to or it will damage them as well.
I understand how you are feeling. I have been fighting with the same emotions and thoughts. I feel lost and it seems no one understands. I fight every day to make it through. I don't sleep but maybe a few hours most days. Cry every day and feel like I'm not worth anything. I hate feeling this way.
Dont let the credit card hider pay their own bills! If you are married, you will be on the hook and your credit will also be ruined.
I, too, newly married, felt controlling when I said "stop with the credit cards!" Then, I would get bills in the mail for secret cards I was unaware of (the upside there, my name wasn't on them, but I still could have been held responsible.)
I said, "you think it's so easy balancing the checkbook, YOU take over the bills." Within three months, the cable was off, the car repossessed, and the landlord was telling me our rent hadn't been paid! Lesson learned. In some cases, you MUST be in control. If you are married to a compulsive spender they probably also ignore debt.
Individual targeting also with implants need to stop and this is also a covert illegal harassment technology that is now in use (Always was, but was used during the wars!) But now has gotten into the hands of psychopath narcissists who think they need to use internal 2-way covert technology mind reading implants to harass, stalk, torture, Dog train, make you follow their stupid ways,insult you,make you look bad covertly, Act like a cop with cop talk, treat you with disrespect, try to make you not like your country or family, use you to hide a crime or stop you from figuring out a crime by mistake cause of the persons activities who is targeting you, using implants with mind control and hypnotism effects to make you want to do suicide and you think it's being done in some of the UNIVERSITIES with those hidden group societies...Beware of that activity!, and other stuff that fits this activity to a T! Individual Targeting (Covert targeting though the use of IMPLANTS)needs to stop and be banned before WHOM_EVER takes over our country one by one by one! USA need to open their eyes to this technology!
Hello everyone,
I see that this blog began in Feb 2015. Is anyone still following or should I post somewhere else? I have much to share about my experience.
It is. Personality Disorders which are most usually the result of abusive childhoods. If they could be different, they would. But the fear and terror they felt when they were little and vulnerable still lives inside them. They are a most difficult person to have a relationship. Offer a kind word but keep good boundaries.
I'm dealing with it as well and making a plan to leave. I feel like there are so many legal hoops. I would like to know if you can just grab your kids and go. My girls don't need to think this is how men are and I'm done lying to myself thinking that the good times are worth putting up with the bad.
I'm here to say if you already haven't leave now. Your daughters will see you as the strong woman that doesn't put up with a controlling person. Father or not. It just isn't going to change. I've been married since my early 20's and never thought that it could still be going on after years of counseling and psychotherapy. It's always my fault. My husband has never taken responsibility for the hurt I feel deep inside. Now I look at my 16 year old son and he is exactly like his father. I don't have any tears left.
Go, like to hear it.
You are so right I agree completely. It's good you got away from this man but you obviously still need therapy about it if you were telling your daughter such terrible things. Get yourself and your daughter in therapy.
I agree with cricket. Good job getting away from a terrible abusive relationship. But if you think his behavior is loving towards your daughter and in anyway OK then you still need therapy and you should bring your daughter with you
I'm going through a situation where I think my husband's ex wife is a narracisstic control freak. It's so bad and I feel totally stuck it a horrific web. I have no idea what to do because they have a child together and we have a 12 month old baby together. My DH says that he always just took it on the chin because it was easier than fighting with her, but now I feel like myself and my baby are taking it on the chin as well. I'm angry because I feel like he is letting us get beat up to protect himself from conflict. I love his daughter, but she has been conditioned to act as a tool for her mom. It's to the point where I get anxious about her being at our house because I know that when she goes home we are going to be apologizing and explaining something. At first I thought the ex liked me and we were very friendly, but I have realized I too am a pawn and am regarded more as a nanny or free employee.
She expects us to report to her even matters that are none of her concern, like things going on with the baby. She uses her daughter to guilt my DH on a daily basis. If he is sick, he has to explain everything to my stepdaughter in a timely manner so that she won't feel like her dad doesn't love her anymore. No one care that he is sick, they just need to make sure that he is meeting their needs. She blows my phone up with texts of how to take care of my stepdaughter daily, or because she wants my DH to do something. Ignoring her is inflammatory! It only makes things worse, same with honesty. Boundaries are non existent and seem impossible. I don't know what to do.
Unknown 2, this brings tears to my eyes reading this. I am in a similar situation and so worried if I stay my currently 3 year old son will end up like his father but I can't leave as my partner is a very neglectful parent and i worry formy sons wellbeing if he was left with him for any lenghth of time but how he is is not enough for him to be disallowed shared custody our son. Your words ring so true - I have no tears left either and my heart is breaking for my son as I know I have to leave and have family to support me but I am too scared for my son if I do go.
I'm currently married to a control freak, also my husband seems to be afflicted with delusion of grandure. The car is mine (he holds the keys) the food card is in my name (in his wallet) I pay 90% of the bills (from my small disability check) yet I'm in the hottest bedroom in the trailer while my husband enjoys air conditioning, big flat screen TV, King size bed & it's a horrible dark dungeon. I'm in my own prison, but I have a lawsuit (accident) hopefully this will afford me the divorce I so desperately need. I have been trying to get help from Bay Area Legal Services, but they don't help you unless you live apart. He won't leave, I have nowhere to go. Please pray for me & the kids. Thank you for letting me vent a little bit.
This comment has been removed by the author.
My wife is in the extreme group of control freaks she was abused as a child and had a couple of scary relationships where she was physically abused and cheated on we got married early in life and had 3 kids together by the age of 21. she has always been the jealous type but the past seven years she has removed me completely from society altogether. I cannot leave the house to see my family let even go to wal mart. She is soon afraid I might look at another woman. I cannot have a smart phone or use the internet unless a friend let's me use their phone like now while at work. She makes me put my head down in the car and look at the dash or she WI raise heck if I don't. I cannot have my drivers license or she threatens me with divorce and says she will keep the kids from me. I have the opportunity to advance in my job but it requires training which she said she would not be with me if I go through with it. She controls the money so that I have no access to our bank account. She keeps all the computers locked and will not even let me choose my own music. Please any advice ????? I want to leave but do not want to lose seeing my kids everyday BC the y are my world.
Gosh I need help. I think my husband is a control freak. Been married for33 years. I am 54. We constantly argue. He always thinks his opinion is right. If I have my own opinion he says it is only because my child says this and it's not my own opinion. He criticises things. I'd. The floor has not been swept properly or the mashed potato is no good because I put butter in it and HE does not like butter even though I do. We watch what he wants on tele. I never see our children at uni unless he agrees and plans when and where. He likes a lot of spice in his food and I don't so HE does the shopping weekly and gets everything spicy so we have hot curries, spiced pork, extra strong cheddar cheese. I don't like any of these but as he does the shopping I have to eat them. When I ask for food I like he says it's too expensive and makes a big deal out of buying it for me. When he goes shopping he EXPECTS me to be waiting at the door to help bring in the bags and put it away in the way and places he wants. Eggs have to be taken out of pack and put in special part of fridge, wrapping has to be taken off everything, if I put something in wrong place he will call me back and say I have put it in wrong place. If I leave a cup on wrong side of draining board he calls me from sitting to tell me. Yesterday I had a magazine come in and I put it on the dresser next to me and he said if I see that there tomorrow it goes in the bin!! I am fed up, worn out. My children only txt him now when the go anywhere to let him know they have arrived safely, not me. They think I am pathetic as he puts me down when they are around. For example in the car if I ask him to put his window down when we first get in the car if it's hot outside he makes me wait until the zircon comes on, so I am so hot waiting. If I drive his car I am not allowed to move the seat as he cant get it back to how. He likes it so I drive hardly seeing over the steering wheel... My list goes on. He hated my father who died 7 years ago and if I say I miss him he says he was a narcissist and left you no money so why miss him. My mum is in a home miles away and has dementia. If I want to see her he has to drive me there. The only time I go alone is when we have a massive argument and I walk out and go.. He hates my sister so I have no family to turn to. He gas a mum, dad,sisters and brothers still intact. I feel like a child fighting most of the time, trying to keep my independence but because he shouts and is loud I back down especially in front of my children so they don't feel an atmosphere when they come home for a day or 2. I have told him I want to split but I have no family, no money, no money in our house, no savings and have nowhere to go o I end up being submissive and saying I love you when I don't just to keep a roof over my head but daydream about how I want he freedom to go where and when I want. Where do I go?
Control freaks are so difficult to live with.
Finally, broke up with my Type 2 control freak after four years together.
Should have realized things were not right long ago. After our first time sleeping together, she got on my laptop and filtered through my emails and social media, and held my past against me.
Each time we were going to have sex, she would demand I wash my hands.
She was convinced no one could be trusted. In her mind, everyone had ulterior motives. If there was a wheelchair pan handler in the street, and I would give the person some money, she would always tell me the person was a phony.
My close friends eventually told me they did not want to spend time together if she was present, because of her negativity.
In 4 years together, not once could she apologize for anything. Saying sorry was impossible for her.
She would tear me down, and seemed to get gratification is doing so.
Even though she was unreasonable, critical of others, ungrateful, resentful, and lacked compassion, it was hard to walk away from her. I am thankful for close friends who firmly told me to move on.
Since exiting the relationship, have explored her personality. I feel her need from control is rooted in her inability to trust. She is anxious, and has difficulty enjoying the moment. She creates conflict in the best situations.
She has not a single friend. And, was threatened by my longtime friendships. She would often remind me that my friends were less.
My curious side wonders, what happens to the Type 2 control freak?
She is attractive and her beauty probably kept in the relationship too long.
I am aware that me staying with this type of partner reveals my own weaknesses. Realized that she is a lot like my mom, highly critical, unreasonable, and unstable.
Determined to move forward and be more aware for my next relationship.
@ Anne and Not always are their personalities due to an elongated traumatic childhood....could have been one incident....or even falsely perceived threat that created this hyper active attitude
But it's really strange because when evaluating many of these people they describe parents or siblings and upbringing as horrific when it wasn't and even just the opposite....some of these people who had horrible critical traumatic families will guard them with their life and paint them as golden and revered. It's really bizarre. And confusing.
She absolutely will.
I just found this site and I'm so glad I did! My Dad is an absolute control freak and he's driving me nuts. Apparently I don't even know how to water flowers properly. I've been dealing with crap from him like this for over 40 years. In my experience, control freaks will never change!
I'm going thru a horrible divorce with a Type B Control Freak/Workaholic /
Perfectionist w 2 kids in the middle. He found his "Soul Mate" at work after we have been married 20 years! Most Devaststing part: I am too sick to fight him. He now suddenly wants child custody, doesn't want to lose his $$, everything is "HIS", even the children & they hate him. I am afraid. So afraid of him. He's been abusive all these years & I felt trapped. Now instead of me leaving him, he is doing 100x worse to me! Any advice?
I think I am the controller person you write about above. Although there are many things I cannot relate to, I am a perfectionist, a workaholic (until I am so burnt out I need time off in bed just to recoup and start again). I want things my way only, most of the time, and I struggle when my partner is not the perfect companion, what this looks like I have no idea? So you can understand his confusion.
We get married in November and I am a mix between highly excitable and incredibly depressed. Most often I would like to take myself away to the bush somewhere and hibernate. In this I constantly wonder whether I would cope with this aloneness or feel abandoned.
My partner seems slightly codependent and although not emotionally abusive, there is a lot of passive comment that he uses to retaliate in a safe manner I am sure.
One very true fact is about being heard, it is such a brief need but will really allow myself to manage the day, when it is met with defensiveness I always attack, or shut down.
I want to give more, I do not want to be a taker, it makes me feel sick that my partner is really the only one who sees my real self whilst others think I am wonderful, it must feel so isolating for him. But he encourages this to, always treating me like I am helpless, getting out of bed to make me a cup of tea so I don't make him one, sometimes he makes me feel so nauseous I want to throw up on him, he wants to please me all the time, acts like I will rip him apart if He doesn't and yet I have no idea where or when this behaviour started. I'm not sure it is even real, although I like things my way, and I am right most of the time (in my head), I very rarely yell, or attack, but he acts like I'm just waiting to explode, I understand this makes no sense, I am as equally confused.
I like to save for a future, he likes the pub.
I like bush walking, independence, he wants to be around me always. Unless he wants to be out, and if I am home whilst he is out its fine, if I am out also he is a jealous and insecure.
I hate white noise, he Needs Noise Always!
Ha. You do not need to tell me what I already no, but it is nice to write and say.
I am a control freak, my being unwell leads me into dating victims and persons who are co dependant causing an early onset of depression. I am a mixture of BPD, BiPolar and depression. Yet in my mastery I am the most depended on person I know. People just want to be around me apparently, because all my masks make for such a fun show, even if it isn't fun, even if I'm irritable, at least that's something, and something is better than nothing, right?
I attract highly vulnerable individuals to feel powerful when I am completely powerless. And when I want to be vulnerable I am abandoned by all, so my patterns continue.
Control freaks DO change constantly, just sometimes not for the better. I am always changing, You would not know on meeting me how mentally unwell I am and how I do not cope with life, I bet many people who date control freaks are codependent, so of course your partner won't change, your behaviour is helpless, they will want to master you!
I mean no offence to anyone either, it's just such a difficult space this not knowing. Yet knowing as well.
I'm semi stuck in a situation with my dad. He's in the anger stage of grief because my mom died this past March. He never grieves.He's a double combat Korea war veteran and as his daughter. I must abide by his rules in his house. He has an odor isue when it comes to food, I too have grieved the loss of my mom as she was my best friend. However he has good days and bad . I try very hard to take care of myself. I'm on disability and he's an emotional abuser, always will be. He puts on an a t for strangers but he's doctor jeckyl and mr hyde. He lies to me about my dead mom. This evening I made pre cooked chicken meatballs I bought. It smelled good to me and I had to eat. He didnt like the smell amd I called him a control freak and was actually calm until he slapped me acrossy bursitis. I'm 45 years old and have to live with him.
My ex wife was such a control freak that was use to beat my children. I didn't know about her beating my children until after they were grown and told me what their mother had done to them. I know that her dad was a control freak as well. I loved my ex very deeply but she was so incredibly mean to me that I did slap her once. I know that I should had never laid a hand on her, but she just keep pushing my buttons. My four children have told me that if it weren't for me the would have grown up Bat ---- crazy. In an effort to get my children to like her, thier mother told them what I did and now 2 of my children don't really like me anymore. I walked away from her so many time I lost count, yet I was always the bad guy. One thing I have learnd from all this is, you don't need a fist to be a mean, hateful, or cruel person.
I just wish my children could see how she destroyed our life, their life,and my life. Other than God there is NO ONE I love more than my children.
My father is a perfectionist and doesn't listen to me if i talk to him
I have been married to my control freak for 1 year now, we've been together for 3. I love him, but no one and nothing else on this planet makes me as unhappy as he does.
He started trying to control what I wear at first, saying that I should do it if I love him, why is it such a big deal for me. I had to wear not tight trousers, and a long (knee length) long sleeve top or shirt. Which I didn't. He acted all hurt like I didn't even love him enough to do one itty bitty thing for him.
When I started working I gave him the money so it was all in one account. Whenever I needed to buy anything, clothes etc, he always had to approve. Then it always had to be the cheapest. Most of my clothes don't fit me as the things he approved of were never in my size. But he buys himself the most expensive best quality shoes or trousers or coats and says he (needs) them.
When I get home from work I make dinner, tea, cut his fruit, iron his clothes then clean the kitchen while he lies on the sofa. I say he should help because we're both working but he says 'but I like it when my wife looks after me' basically meaning, 'youre the woman, it's not my job'
When I am tired after work he gets angry when I look tired or if I tell him anything negative about my day or if I don't smile, and says I should deal with my own problems and support him more. He says I think the whole world revolves around me and that I'm selfish. He never shares anything about his work or anything, and expects me to know when he's tired or angry or stressed. Then gets angry that I don't 'support' him enough, all I think about is myself and my problems.
I ran away from my family to marry this man as a result they have disowned me and no longer talk to me. I am in a foreign country and don't know the language or culture and have no family or friends here or anywhere else in the world. I lived with his parents for the 1St year of our marriage because he wanted it like that. It was hideous. Now I've taken a job and work about 65 hours a week. The job comes with a house and now we are saving for a car. My job is not awful, but it's new and stressful. So I do get tired, and I do get stressed. Last night was one of those nights I came home at 8pm after 12 hours at work and was too tired to cook. I'd asked him earlier in the day if we can go for dinner out tonight and he said yes. As we left he was all like....you dont even care about me, you create so many problems for yourself, you always want to buy stuff (!!!!!! I needed new underwear, mine has holes!) and sat and told me how selfish I am for being tired, how it's my fault I get stressed because my job isn't hard, I shouldn't tell him about my work, I should only tell him positive things because it's selfish to tell him negative things.
The straw that broke the camels back was this morning, he says 'when the driver takes you home from work, sit in the back. You're a woman, you can't sit with a man that's not me '
And I've been stewing all day, dreading going home.
He speaks all like....oh everything i do is for you, you don't even know how hard I work for us, you don't think about anything, just yourself.
It's really really draining.
I don't know why I shared it, but I've got no one else in the world to share it with.
Peter, I am to the place in my life with my controller the only way out for me is to die. I am like an animal in a cage pacing back and forth for 18 years. My kids are so screwed up because of it. My son is like his dad and my daughter is scared to death of men.i am exhausted and have nothing left to give. I am typing on a hidden cell phone because I am not allowed to have a phone. I hate my life . I have 12 surveillance cameras watching me all day everyday and I have absolutely no privacy. When he is home I can't use the bathroom or take a shower that he doesn't break in the door to see what I'm doing. He opens the shower stall to see what I'm doing. I can't explain why he does that cause I don't know. I want to take a gun and stand in front of one of the 12 cameras that he watches at work, and blow my brains out. He has already taken my life I am just a free maid babysitter, entertainerfor his family. I am not allowed to go off my porch without permission or write in a journal without him going crazy. My heart doctor says I am going to have a heart attack and they won't be able to save me.
Post a Comment
<< Home