Sanctuary for the Abused

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Dealing With Manipulative People

 
 
An Excerpt from the book:

In Sheep's Clothing by George K. Simon
Two Basic Types of Aggression
There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and covert-aggression. When you're determined to have something and you're open, direct and obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive. When you're out to "win," dominate or control, but are subtle, underhanded or deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of aggression while simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you want is a powerfully manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.

Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive Personalities
Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior from time to time. Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't make someone a covert-aggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the way a person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large.

The tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a steady diet for covert-aggressive personality. It's the way they prefer to deal with others and to get the things they want in life.

The Process of Victimization
For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons:

A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut may tell us that they're fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power, or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily validate our feelings.

The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're hurting, caring, defending, ..., almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides, the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally on the run.

All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I have a big guilt button." – But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited.

What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.

Recognizing Aggressive Agendas
Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things they want and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and do fight in their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness expanding. Learning to recognize an aggressive move when somebody makes one and learning how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles, has turned out to be the most empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've worked. It's how they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's dominance and control and gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self esteem. Recognizing the inherent aggression in manipulative behavior and becoming more aware of the slick, surreptitious ways that manipulative people prefer to aggress against us is extremely important. Not recognizing and accurately labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes most people to misinterpret the behavior of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond to them in an appropriate fashion. Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with covertly aggressive tactics is essential.

Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics
Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us employ to protect or defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain. More specifically, ego defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our self-images from "invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something. There are many different kinds of ego defenses and the more traditional (psychodynamic) theories of personality have always tended to distinguish the various personality types, at least in part, by the types of ego defenses they prefer to use. One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches to understanding human behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always afraid of something and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when they're in the act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to help ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been traditionally thought of as defense mechanisms.

While, from a certain perspective we might say someone engaging in these behaviors is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's important to realize that at the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is not primarily defending (i.e. attempting to prevent some internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting to maintain position, gain power and to remove any obstacles (both internal and external) in the way of getting what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the offensive, mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to avoid being run over. Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental behaviors (no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often think of as defense mechanisms, as offensive power tactics, because aggressive personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance over others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful from happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that something they want to happen does indeed happen. Using the vignettes presented in the previous chapters for illustration, let's take a look at the principal tactics covert-aggressive personalities use to ensure they get their way and maintain a position of power over their victims:

Denial – This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as to others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who... Me?" tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do. This denial is not the same kind of denial that a person who has just lost a loved one and can't quite bear to accept the pain and reality of the loss engages in. That type of denial really is mostly a "defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety. Rather, this type of denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the aggressor uses to get others to back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty themselves for insinuating he's doing something wrong.


Selective Inattention – This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior. By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change.

Rationalization – A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what he wants to do (quieting any qualms of conscience he might have) but also to keep others off his back. If the aggressor can convince you he's justified in whatever he's doing, then he's freer to pursue his goals without interference.

Diversion – A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, he's expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.


Lying – It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately, there are times when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story. But there are also times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to remember is that manipulators – covert-aggressive personalities that they are – are prone to lie in subtle, covert ways. Courts are well aware of the many ways that people lie, as they require that court oaths charge that testifiers tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being vague when you ask them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of lying' omission. Keep this in mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in sheep's clothing. Always seek and obtain specific, confirmable information.

Covert Intimidation – Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats. Guilt-tripping and shaming are two of the covert-aggressive's favourite weapons. Both are special intimidation tactics.

Guilt-tripping – One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to absolutely no avail.

Shaming – This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It's an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party, thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance.


Playing the Victim Role – This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and less hostile personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they'll try to relieve your distress.


Vilifying the Victim – This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the defensive.


Playing the Servant Role – Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard on someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others.


Seduction – Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty. Covert-aggressives are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want approval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything. Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket to incredible power over others.

The consummate seducer melts any resistance you might have to giving him your loyalty and confidence. He does this by giving you what he knows you need most. He knows you want to feel valued and important. So, he often tells you that you are. You don't find out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to be in his way.


Projecting the blame (blaming others) – Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in subtle, hard to detect ways.

Minimization – This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor is attempting to assert that his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.

I've presented the principal tactics that covert-aggressives use to manipulate and control others. They are not always easy to recognize. Although all aggressive personalities tend to use these tactics, covert-aggressives generally use them slickly, subtly and adeptly. Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut-level sensitivity to the use of these tactics if they're to avoid being taken in by them.

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shared by Barbara at 12:05 AM


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15 Comments:

We are a group of American Indians and friends that know and worked with a young woman named Joy Loftin while she was employed at the Vanderbilt YMCA here in New York City. During the length of her employment, several extremely disturbing incidents occurred that cause us to be concerned and call into question the motives and the integrity of Shan Colorado Finnerty, Hortensia Colorado, and Elvira Colorado.
On several occasions, Joy came to work with visible bruises on her neck and arms. She eventually explained to us that Shan had punched, beaten, and choked her and she asked us for help. As wardens for the community, we tried to place Joy in women’s shelters around the city in an effort to mitigate the abuse. However, at the urging of Shan’s mother and aunt, Hortensia and Elvira, she returned to their apartment and refused to press criminal charges against Shan Colorado Finnerty. The abuse continued and one day, she came to work very early, visibly distressed and crying, with more bruises and abrasions. She said that Shan had verbally abused and beaten her once again; that she wanted to return to California, and that she was going to quit her job and reunite with her family. She tendered her resignation later that week. Out of concern for her safety and in an effort to find out what happened to her, we requested an officer from the domestic violence unit of the 5th Precinct conduct a welfare check at their home on Kenmare Street. However the officer was unable to find anyone at the apartment, and therefore could not verify that Joy was safe. We realize that she is suffering from battered women’s syndrome and may be unable to help herself due to the isolationist environment that the Colorados have formed around her. Abusive men are often enabled by their family, while the victim is persuaded to believe the abuse is her fault, and the pattern of emotional and physical trauma continues. Taking into consideration what has happened to Joy Loftin, it is especially deceitful that their display “Altar: El Llanto De La Resistencia” at the American Indian Community House was in part dedicated to victims of domestic violence.
In light of these events, we are dismayed, disappointed, and outraged to know that members of the American Indian Community would commit, condone, and perpetuate domestic abuse and violence, while simultaneously conducting workshops, writing and performing plays, and displaying works and art that would have the public and those who support them believe otherwise. It is a vulgar and offensive misrepresentation of American Indian Culture, and further support of Coatlicue Theater, Hortensia Colorado, Elvira Colorado, Shan Colorado Finnerty and their work is tantamount to supporting domestic abuse and violence. Considering their duplicitous behavior, having them represent American Indian Culture is an insult to the dignity of American Indians and an affront to human beings.
We are therefore informing you we will not attend nor support any Coatlicue Theater productions or events where they will be featured. We will be encouraging others that might consider attending, participating, or funding them to do the same. Our actions are warranted, and to be associated with the aforementioned individuals and Coatlicue Theater would be equivalent to enabling and contributing to such offensive behaviour.
We are urging everyone to reevaluate their support of Coatlicue Theater and the Colorados, and question the individuals concerned. Until the responsible individuals are held accountable and measures are taken to verify that the abuse is no longer occurring, we will continue with our boycott, and will strongly urge others to do the same.

9:21 AM  

This narrative provides several excellent observations of narcissist's behaviour. One thing that is too often overlooked is that the narcissist and those who are merely narcisstic (most of us) are completely different animals. In dealing with them one must throw out the rule book on normal interpersonal conduct and adopt strategies tailored to their psychology- one must outfox the fox. This may seem cynical to some, but with the narcissist the world is narrowed down to a zero-sum game- either they play you or you play them.

9:16 PM  

This was (and still is) my husband (almost to be my ex) to a tee. It brought back so many memories from the last 20 abusive years of my marriage. Every single one of the tactics discussed here, he used, over and over again. He is the most controlling and manipulating person I have ever known. Sadly many people think that he is making a genuine effort to change and I need to try and make the marriage work, but what they don't understand is that he is manipulating them, and because of the lack of understanding of this type of disorder, I'm the one being blamed for the break up of our marriage.
I've actually been told by two people at my church, my pastor included, that I just need to sit down and talk it out with my husband. Such a joke! There is no healthy conversation that ensues and I'm the one that ends up in the middle of his crazy making.
I'm going to print this off to give some well-meaning people that just don't get it. Unfortunately, when all is said and done, they probably still will not get it, because to them my husband is such a nice person, so personable and fun to be with, he can't possibly be like this. Yeah, that's what I tried to believe for the past 2 decades, while my gut kept screaming to me otherwise.

11:25 AM  

My older sister. It is hell to deal with people like this. Read an interesting thing earlier today that I want to try.

Walk around with a notebook and write down everything the manipulator say. Mess with their heads for once!

If you cannot get away from them then at least don't bother with rules. If you are in their way they will destroy you without a second thought. In dealing with such a person always focus on your own survival. that is all that counts in this war.

Good luck to everyone else who is dealing with this problem!

12:26 PM  

obviously npd/bpd types...so sad...my manipulator is a lawyer...of course...hr hotel employment...high functioning acting out waif bpd rejected stalker

4:58 AM  

I read this book when God was finally revealing to me what my husband and two children were. Genetic psychopaths. This book as well as "The Sociopath Next Door," "Women Who Love Psychopaths," "Without Conscience," "Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively with the Impossible People in Your Life," "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression," are all essential to gleaning insight into this horror. But keep in mind, it's all the same thing. Call it any name you like, make up a new one if you want to but remember, MRI's show that certain parts of their brains don't connect like non-psychopaths.

They only have what they project as they are simply creatures of instinct so don't play their games. When they have revealed themselves, and you are able to, GET AWAY!

They also always know what they are, that they aren't like us, and they think that they are better, smarter, and they are always proud of what they are. When I'd finally come to the conclusion that it was psychopathy and NOT passive-aggressive etc and presented this to my husband he said "So?" See, it wasn't a problem for him. One of my children too was very glad when I discovered what she was and said it outloud to her. She was only mad that I wouldn't "worship" her any longer. (To her worship meant me always trying to help her, work things out, get her help for her latest attention seeking gimic.)

People, we need to help each other. We need to be honest and stop buying the lies being sold to us by people who want to write a book and make a name for themselves. It may take legal action. As tedious as this can be we may need to do this in order to force the courts to screen for psychopathy. MRI's before custody, etc and then therepy for those of us raped by evil.

12:33 PM  

Quote from the article: "What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character."

Whenever you wonder how we got here as a society, remember the above words. It's what psychology, WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF PSYCHOPATHY, has done to us. This way of thinking is taught to us very early in our lives so consequently, we have NO DEFENSE against psychopaths. Once you discover the truth about psychopaths (that their brains don’t process the emotions of love, guilt, shame, gratefulness, and that they are perpetually sizing everyone up to see what their rank/position is in order to use/con/manipulate them or usurp them from their position of authority so that THEY can be top dog) you will be amazed at how many there are and that the majority of celebrities fit the profile. This includes newscasters, reality TV stars, talk show hosts, politicians (shocking!), actors/actresses, singers, and well-known pastors. Even many of the experts who study, talk about and write books on psychopathy appear to be psychopaths themselves.

So what are we to do? Pray. Read the Bible and you will see that it’s all in there. All about these people, that we are all sinners yes, but we are not all psychopaths. Psychopaths were BORN the way they are and it is NOT our fault and once we are able to identify this behavior in someone else we are to “have nothing to do with them.” Do you have to be a Christian to know this truth? No, but you can still be blessed by this knowledge. Educate yourself and any others you know who are not psychopaths because ignorance of the evil nature of psychopathy makes us vulnerable. Even the most emotionally strong person can be completely blindsided and destroyed by a cunning psychopath.

If you are blessed enough to have people in your life who are not psychopaths and who are able to feel love and who love you, please take a moment to go and hug/call/email them and tell them that you are grateful that they are in your life. For those of us who have been woken up to the truth about psychopathy, we are often left abandoned and alone so again, if you know this truth about evil psychopaths and still have people who aren’t psychopaths around you, love and enjoy them.

9:58 PM  

Is it possible to convince a Judge to order a MRI for the parent that has all these symptoms of a psychopathic narcissist?

4:44 AM  

You can ask for a psych evaluation and your lawyer should do so.

Judges don't get it about psychopaths so an MRI do no good.

Realize you may have to have a psych evaluation as well.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:VsSAi3QUEKQJ:aja.ncsc.dni.us/courtrv/cr39-2/cr39-2.pdf+&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEEShyMT4LjZ2869Hxn46tdH86fwYQWZKiMN5psbteTgyG-ECctT7MaWCtdAHALGFqbjGlFFJ9nkPJiHZmcioMPr0PMNhdynC8aQIAVo5O_8b6wwdf6XPUJ6q2jFttVS5KW6tpZQW4&sig=AHIEtbR1nIhnGTGB7wjSzzgQFTw-WDW-Cg&pli=1

11:39 PM  

I went through the same thing for 20 yrß. Its aweful. The person u are closest with turns out not to exist. Its horrific. After i finally left. I found her on some cheating sites had been for years. While i worked my ass off and stayed faithful just like a puppet. She would look at me with pity. I said dont pity me im not weak you just lie to people that trust u. Doesnt make u special just a piece of shit.

2:05 PM  

Hello! I also need help...I have a manipulative mother..she raised me, payd for college and she loves me..but she always blame me for everything..even the weather..She disagree with everything I do and makes me feel bad. Also I have this manipulative friend and I don;t know how to cope with her..because I'll see her for a year from now on , at college, at the bus station and in the hostel we are sleeping. Now that her boyfriend graduated she'll be like a leach, sticking to me. I also got away from a toxic relationship with my ex( another asshole) and he and my manipulator friend are meeting now, not DATING, but I see them often together, she used to call him at night when he was in a relationship with me..and she'd say ...oh..I was just depressed and u know we are good friends. My roomate would see them together and she'd tell me that the girl is not my real friend. I realised that. At school , when we'd have a fight, she'd turn the back on me and start talking with others( she is the popular type, very funny) and she'd use sarcasm and a bitter tone to make me feel guilty. The bad thing is that she'd succed..I also am tempered and get angry and she'd use that against me, as she remained calm and bitter -stiff. IF you could tell me how to deal with her..because I can't avoid her for a whole year. Please! Sorry if my message is messed-up( but that's pretty much my life too)

6:44 AM  

My psychological abuser is my husband of 20 years. I have gone through, and continue to go through emotional and mental torment. After church today I came home and broke down in tears from the pain. Him and my son act as if I'm not even alive. My 22 year old daughter has her own family. She texted me last night and said, ' at least she knows how to take care of her man and make him happy "
This completely shattered my whole since of livin!"
Been in my room in tears all day! What can I do when I can no longer take the pain of being ignored, as I were invisible? Please help!!!!

10:42 PM  

You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.

10:43 PM  

Hi there!, I am currently married to the same type of man. We just had our 16 year anniversary. He ignored it, then sent a text message.. Which wasn't a shock, because each and every holiday he makes things miserable for me, because he knows it means something to me. I am struggling each day to figure out how to leave.. All because of exactly what you wrote above. I mean it seems like most everyone believes him, and little do they know how awful he is. I have totally lost myself, and I feel like I am loosing my mind. I am so easily sucked back in after each of his episodes, that I am disgusted with myself after the fact. I cannot bear the idea of spending another Christmas with him, or another Birthday (after he ignored my 40th,) even though I threw a magnificent party for him. He is evil to the core, and no one really knows but me. He is the most un-empathetic person I have ever known, has a total lack of compassion, and I am scared to grow old old with him. I have two teenage daughters that he treats this same way, and one of which he has acting just like him. It is so emotionally and mentally draining, I cannot tell you. Know that I know I am not crazy, The hardest part is knowing its there, and NOT knowing how to cope, just to get things in order to leave. In my State, you have to leave your husband via grounds for divorce (i.e.: drugs, cheating, physical abuse) or, you have to move out yourself if he won't leave, and of course.. HE WILL NOT LEAVE. He tells me that I cannot make it without him.. He tells me he will take the kids and every penny. I am so alone, because I really don't have many friends, (thanks to them) and I am so over living like this, I want to give up. Sometimes I think it would be easier to take my own life than go through this.. Because I believe he will take me down when I try to divorce him. He is already blackballing me to our daughters, and I am so worn down, I am scared if I can get through it. I seriously do not know what to do to begin to leave, and was told by an attorney that if I am going to leave, I have to have a similar size home/living area, and literally leave in one day, take the children with me, serve him with papers, and let everything happen. I am petrified that my daughters will not come with me.. Because they are so snowed by him. I am a smart woman, I run successful businesses, and just don't know "how" to leave. The guilt I feel for "tearing apart our family" is real, and I feel my daughters may never realize what has truly been going on. Bit reading your message above gives me faith.. And please don't give up. Get away... And then, tell me how you did. God help us all.

7:51 PM  

Ditto! Well said.. This is my life!

8:05 PM  

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