Sanctuary for the Abused
Thursday, December 07, 2017
CRAZY MAKING
This information about crazy making is from the out of print book Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy! by Dr. George R. Bach. It fortunately has surfaced again and can be purchased as a used book for a small price at Amazon.com.
This is a coping method people use when they are afraid of rejection or confrontation. This results when our rights are not respected or honored. It is based on four basic rights: THE RIGHT TO KNOW, THE RIGHT TO FEEL, THE RIGHT TO HAVE IMPACT and THE RIGHT TO SPACE.
The ways that RIGHT TO KNOW are violated are when we are not given clear information as in underloading, overloading and fogging. In underloading they give us too little information so we are off balance and have shaky confidence about what we are learning to do or the person has left and it is only after they're gone that we realize we don't know anymore than before we asked them the question. At these times it requires the receiver of the information to assume or draw conclusions about the meaning of the incomplete information. This is also a time when mindreading comes into play. In order to survive this walking on eggshells the receiver of the message or silent treatment must use past references to know what the sender of the message might intend. In overloading it is just the opposite problem. The sender gives us too much information and we are in a confused state and a put off balance. We feel so defeated that we do not have the courage to set any boundaries or express any needs for clearer information.
THE RIGHT TO FEEL is violated when we are told how we are feeling i.e. "You're angry aren't you." or how we are going to feel or react i.e. "You're not going to like what I have to say." Or if we are given the message not to feel i.e. "Don't be angry" or "Don't cry". Or we are told what we should or shouldn't be feeling. i.e. "You don't really hate him or her, you just think you do" or You shouldn't feel that way about them.'
THE RIGHT TO IMPACT is where our insanity really shows up. It triggers so many old messages i.e. "You're not important, you're needs are important." And if we played the role of the LOST CHILD it just reinforces our sense of powerlessness and invisibility. We need to have assurance that we exist, that our existence makes a difference to people and situations. We know of our existence when we have IMPACT on others. One thing that really gets to us is when others claim to misinterpret or pick apart what we said in order not to have to comply with our request.
Thinging or objectifying is another way that they treat us as an objects as if we are only a piece of furniture in the room. They can be pictured putting their hand up to their ear and saying "Did I hear someone talking, is there someone else in the room?" COVERTLY HOSTILE or what ? Context-switching and derailing are great avoidance tactics. When you are confronting them on something they did or attempting to set boundaries, they switch the whole focus back to you, and thus put you on the defensive. Now the focus is on you and they slither away. This gets you way off derail track and off balance right where they want you--derailed. Clever huh, unless you are on the receiving end of this CRAZY MAKING. Role-playing is another very common way in which one or both parties avoids asserting themselves. This way the person can hide behind the role they see as the most comfortable, safe and powerful. i.e. referring to yourself as "Mommy" or "Daddy" "Mommy wants you to go to bed" Daddy wants you to come to the table." Or I'm the "boss" I'm the cook--he wife--the husband etc.etc. In this way the other person is put in a position where they almost need to respond in the "subservient" or weak or less powerful position or role i.e. the child, the worker, employer, the hungry one etc.etc.
The final CRAZY MAKING technique is to violate the RIGHT TO SPACE. This right can be violated in so many ways i.e. emotional, time, mental, physical. Without this right being respected we can lose perspective very rapidly and literally feel like we are going crazy. In setting boundaries we set ourselves against the others. It seems that when I am setting boundaries for myself I am violating another's perceived rights i.e. My right to have the radio volume up is a violation to right to have the volume down. My right to deny your request interrupts your right to make a request. It is almost always very MESSY. But our surrender of SPACE is a surrender of our SANITY.
SOURCE
Labels: bill of rights, crazy-making, feelings, impact, need to know, pity party, space
3 Comments:
Holy cow! Here I am, almost five years of separation from my dysfunctional marriage, still trying to determine why I feel such overwhelming anxiety when the ex calls or texts. Tonight, I am journal writing, trying to get some clarity about why I still feel so threatened and hyper-protective of the children.
This is exactly it. I've never read anything before that specifically named what I am observing from my ex. Yes, I thought it may be narcissism. Yes, I knew it had to do with boundary violation. Yes, I read about gaslighting and crazy making.
But, to see that mine and the children's rights to know (when and where the ex will show up or where the ex lives or works), to feel (bombarded with guilt whenever the children speak up or being "too sensitive"), to have an impact, and to have space (showing up at my work and sitting at my desk if I'm away from it) are being violated helps me to understand why I still have such anxiety. I know these rights will be ignored for both me and for the children.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This empowers me to enforce these rights and to teach the children that they have these rights.
God bless you.
For those of us raised by people like this, we've come out of the gate being raped. With psychopaths for parents those of us with a conscience aren't really given a chance. We are trained from birth to deny our feelings, to cater to evil ones, to feel grateful for the simplest, seeming, act of kindness. And most of us go on to marry these same kinds of individuals and give birth to more.
I never knew that I even HAD any needs. I don't think I'll be able to convey what I mean here but let me try. Because I'd been so abused as a child (not physically) I thought that if I had enough food, clothes and a place to live that was all that I should expect and I should be EXCEEDINGLY grateful. And see, this CAN be true if looking from a biblical perspective but what psychopaths do is take away all your choices and then when they seem to give us a tiny extra morsel of genorisity, we are blubbering all over the place with gratefullness. (I now know this is called "Stockholm Syndrome".) They use the very things God gave us to worship Him against us and then they want to be worshipped in His place.
When I was old enough to make money (paper route, babysitting) I knew that I was to not ask for help from my dad. So when he would hand me ten dollars to go to a movie I thought that I had the most gernerous dad in the world. Even though as a little girl I would clean the house everyday, never burden him with any of my problems (he'd tell me to "toughen up") was careful to never bring any negative reactions to our "family name" and was always trying to be so nice. It never occured to me that this man was nothing more than a selfish psychopath. He used and abused my servants heart, the heart God gave me when I was saved at Good News Club as a little girl, to cater to him and keep me from growing.
It wasn't until decades later, after I'd wasted my life serving a psychopathic husband and children, that God opened my eyes. That working and giving and doing just for the sake of doing these things is a lie. A Godly husband doesn't put his family into debt, when he has a CHOICE (to not do this), doesn't pit himself AGAINST his wife when she is serving him and doesn't destroy people.
This probably sounds like I was in some cult, but no. See, even true Christians get caught up in lies. After I gave my life to Jesus as a little one they turned and told me to obey my parents and work, work, work but they do so much harm when they do this. They take away the "honeymoon" period of our walk with Christ. To not allow us to just enjoy his fellowship and favor. Trials will ALWAYS come but it's because we have this sweet, sweet time with our Jesus that we know that we can trust in Him. So God had to show me this. His truth and His love for me. My honeymoon wasn't until decades later and this is a tragedy really. If I had been told the truth, through His word, from the beginning, I may have had decades of a trusting walk with Him instead of work, work, working for the devil. So, through His grace, I am telling you with the prayer that you won't be me and that you won't lead your little ones astray. Mindless serving is not biblical, it matters WHO you serve. Jesus loved children, he loved women, and showed them respect and wanted them to respect themselves. He was patient with his disciples, even those as thick headed but right hearted as Peter. And honoring your parents doesn't mean letting them rape and abuse you. Not willingly allowing them to do this actually prevents them from sinning against you. From sinning against the Lord if He lives in your heart.
Jesus also doesn't have a "one size fits all" for us. Look at all the ways he healed people. For the same malady, he healed individually each time. The old testement too shows that God has individual ways of getting the same end result. And that HE puts some desires and need in our hearts
so that they can be fullfilled by Him.
Im trying to understand how all this fits into abusive relationship....and I finally get it. In addition to all the abuse, these rights are 100% also violated in abusive relationship. It is because these rights are not honored one feels trapped and devalues him/herself. Interesting points but all will continue unless ine gets iut of the abusive relationship. But it is so difficult if the abuser threats to diatroy everything you have ever worked for, threatens to set you up with illegal plans to sabbotage you so you end up in jail and loose custody if your child, goes to an extreme of blaming physical harm gotten from streets on you...
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