Sanctuary for the Abused

Friday, January 31, 2014

Abusive Stalking Using the Courts



(What you are about to read, was adapted in part from Stalking Through The Courts. Please visit there for more information.)

We learned in depth how many Stalkers think and act on the previous page. This page will go into how some abusers use a different approach to harass their victims. A way that allows them to legally have contact and harass their ex-partner, even with a Restraining Order in force.

Mis-using the judicial system seems to be one of some abusers favorite ways to stalk their ex-partners. If they can’t get you back, they will try to ruin your happiness, by dragging you to Court on countless frivolous filings. Putting the victim in a situation where they are being victimized – again, by their abuser and sometimes by the system also.

This can be on going for years, if gone about it in the “right” way. There are actually web sites devoted to teaching them exactly how and what to do. These sites teach them how to legally stalk, harass, and intimidate victims of Domestic Violence after a Restraining Order has been issued. These sites actually have step by step guides for them to use to learn how to keep the on going harassment, manipulation, intimidation and show how to legally stalk the partner, who has left them. Which in turn keeps the ex-partner their victim causing them immense grief, a financial burden and it wears them out emotionally to the point of total frustration.

It also gives these stalkers/abusers a feeling they still have some control and in a sense, they do. Some of the more advanced, of these abusers, will even represent themselves in Court, rather than hire a Lawyer. This Pro Se Defense gives them the opportunity to question their former partner on the stand and legally badger and intimidate them, all the while the judge and others are right there watching and letting it happen. This in itself must boost the abusers self-esteem, thinking they are even controlling the judge and playing the legal system.

Most all of these “Pro Se” abusers have studied the laws, inside and out. They will put a lot of time and effort into these actions. Many will file in different jurisdictions, to avoid becoming too well known to the judges and to keep their victim running around. They will mask their reasoning and make it look as if they are the victims and their rights have been violated.

There are many large and well-known groups, who use and teach these tactics. Most of which will have a cover that seems real and legitimate. Many of them use children’s rights as their cover. They put a lot of money and energy into minimizing domestic violence and it’s effects on the children who lived in a home where abuse occurred. They will give very little support to issues that will actually help children.

These groups true agenda is abolishing abuse prevention legislation and child support laws. They try regaining some control and punishing their partner for leaving them, and they try to do this by controlling the children, by gaining full custody, with visitation or by not paying child support.

Most States have trained their police to recognize abuse and enforce Restraining Orders, funded child protective services, made abuse prevention statues, opened women’s shelters and educated personnel of the dangers of domestic violence. What has not been corrected by legislature is letting abusers use the judicial system as a weapon against their former victims, especially after a Restraining Order has been issued.

These groups have caused the numbers of Pro Se litigation’s to multiply rapidly. Many of their web sites offer how to books, legal forms and packets of motions to file in court. Many of these motions can be refiled over and over just by changing a word or two, the date or going to another jurisdiction. They encourage them to lengthen proceedings with extensive, irrelevant discovery aimed at stalling out the processes.

With a no contact RO, these abusers can not see their victim, send them a letter, call them or come within 100 feet of them, in most States. But, for about a $19.00 fee, this same person can file numerous claims and have hearings in small claims court. If they go into State and Federal Administrative Agencies and accuse their victim of obscure violations, their victim will be subpoenaed. This gives the abuser several legal contacts with their victim, where they can legally harass and badger them with no fear of violating the Restraining Order. If this same abuser/stalker does Pro Se defense, they may even get away with other stalking of their victim, like watching or following them, photographing them, going through their trash, ect. All with the cover of “investigating” their case.

These victims have left their abusers for a reason. They are in fear of them, yet the abuser has found a way to put them in a position, they can not walk away from. They must sit through court proceedings and on going harassment, where they are made to endure their abusers subtle looks and movements, which they know so well and fear.

They will try to make them lose their composure and they will attack their credibility, making this person victimized for the second time but even worst, the abuser puts them on trial in the eyes of the community and the courtroom. They have used a lot of will, to get away from their abusers and usually don’t have the emotional strength to go for hours or even days being questioned on the stand, by their abusers.

The use of courts is most widely know in custody cases, all to many times not with the child’s best interest at heart, but to try to exploit weakness in their ex-partner, to regain control or at the least to manipulate and hurt them as a punishment for leaving. They may try to prove them an unfit parent, digging up or fabricating any type of evidence they can.

A spouse who abuses their partner and parent of their children are twice as likely to try to gain full custody of the children, whether they truly want custody or not. They will often try to mis-use the legal system, through retaliatory legal actions to continue their abuse and harassment. These actions make the victims have to prove themselves to the court, keeping them in the victim role.

While their rights are violated, for the second time around, the abusers/stalkers rights are protected. Is that justice? At the least, victims of domestic violence should have the same Constitutional protections as their abusers, even while they are being stalked and harassed by them with the judicial system.

If our founding fathers that wrote our Constitution and the Bill of Rights (for all people) were inside these courtrooms, I believe they would be horrified at the way our basic human rights are being violated. The laws of our Country are being twisted and used in ways many can not even comprehend.

Victims of terrible crimes are being belittled and torn apart by defense attorneys and Pro Se cross-examinations, on the witness stands on a daily basis. Litigation of a abuser/stalker is different because they know the victim, knows their family, their past, what sets them off, what will hurt them most and especially what frightens them, this brings the adversarial system to new low. These litigations twist our Constitution till it is almost unrecognizable and at the expense of our entire society, protects the rights of the abuser/stalker.

At this time the sad truth is there is nothing that these victims can do, but fight it out in court. It is slowly being recognized as a major problem and there are programs working on ways to end this, in the future.

From the Biden-Hatch Violence Against Women Act of 2000, Title I Section 106, National Stalker and Domestic Violence Reduction Grants Reauthorization, Authorized at $3 million/year through 2005 (fiscal year 1998 appropriation was $2.75 million). This section extends grant programs that help state and local governments improve databases dealing with stalking and domestic violence.

Title I Section 107, Clarify Enforcement to End Interstate Battery/Stalking. This section clarifies federal jurisdiction to reach persons crossing state lines(including foreign travel), and expands federal jurisdiction to include battery used to facilitate the interstate movement of victims. This section also makes the nature of harm uniform for domestic violence, stalking, and interstate travel offenses, and clarifies the "Interstate Violation of Protection Order" section.

Hopefully soon, with the government putting this kind of money into programs involving domestic violence and stalking, we will see an end to this madness in the near future.

Right now, in the these cases where victims have the finances and the emotional strength, they can fight back by filing a civil suit for malicious abuse of the legal system/process, defamation of character and/or intentional infliction of emotional distress.


Other than that, keeping the faith and hope for future changes, is all that we have. It is said that Lady Justice is blind, but she should not be mocked.

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shared by Barbara at 12:05 AM


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28 Comments:

Wow, this post really hit home.

Right now, my Malignant N MIL is suing us for proceeds from a house that she sold to my husband over 7 years ago.

Somehow, we have no idea how, got the most powerful, litigious law firm in our area to represent her pro bono. We, on the other hand, are stuck with crippling legal bills, had to file bankruptcy, etc.

Thank you for the post. It may not help us in this situation, but it makes me feel a little better to know that other people are dealing with this type of insanity.

11:34 AM  

my exboyfriend is has a narcissist Personality Disorder, feels no empathy and is sexually addicted to mtg strangers in public bathrooms. He tried to 'pimp' me by telling me to list a nude pix of myself on voyeurweb.com. I ended our post-relationship flirtation relationship once he did that. He finds weakness in kindness. His parents are kind, and weak. His father remarried a strong and perhaps abusive woman whom he despises. He had social issues growing up. He's highly intelligent but has a learning disability and had to fight through university and practicum. HE pushed me once, yet he took me to court to petition for an order of protection....I didn't tell the court all he did, and the decision was a Stay....protection but not on any record of mine. I was afraid to persue and tell the court what a depressive, (wellbutrin) narcissistic, possibly abused unempathetic person he was during our relationship, which i didn't know about until long after we broke up. but the courts gave him a Stay where he now feels empowered like never before for his actions. He will get worse. He must have a 'girlfriend' to victimize to also not allow him to feel entirely depressed when he goes to have sex with others...b/c he can come home to something having the appearance of normalcy....the only normalcy in his life. He was demoted at work and did all of this before when he lived in another state. He has money and also threatens me with a law suit if i tell anyone about his problems. I formed an intervention by contacting who i thought were his closest friends..only to discover that he has no friends. No one wants anything to do with him. He will get worse as he gets older and he will put more women at risk both physically and mentally. He could become violent. He's a psychopath who's supposedly in counselling to get his perscription, but i think he has fully taken advantage of his counselor, family and 'friends'. I fear that he may even become violent say if his 'nice' grandmother were to die...who was entirely ashamed of him. or something ever happened to his mom or dad who i think he might have tried to 'protect' from the step-mother. His mother allowed dad and step mother to raise the children 1000 miles away from her. My ex, it seems, takes advantage of kind, trusting women and victimizes them for not succumbing to his desires, which he is completely aware are deviant, but he is incapable of controlling himself. He feels no sympathy nor empathy for human emotions. He's charming and gentlemanly to a very high degree...southernly deceitful charms. Racist and I've discovered recently that he has, ironically, exceptionally low self-esteem. He hates himself, yet has an inflated sense of self-worth. He is exceptionally conniving and manipulative. He will harm others. How do we stop him? help him?

3:58 PM  

my exboyfriend is has a narcissist Personality Disorder, feels no empathy and is sexually addicted to mtg strangers in public bathrooms. He tried to 'pimp' me by telling me to list a nude pix of myself on voyeurweb.com. I ended our post-relationship flirtation relationship once he did that. He finds weakness in kindness. His parents are kind, and weak. His father remarried a strong and perhaps abusive woman whom he despises. He had social issues growing up. He's highly intelligent but has a learning disability and had to fight through university and practicum. HE pushed me once, yet he took me to court to petition for an order of protection....I didn't tell the court all he did, and the decision was a Stay....protection but not on any record of mine. I was afraid to persue and tell the court what a depressive, (wellbutrin) narcissistic, possibly abused unempathetic person he was during our relationship, which i didn't know about until long after we broke up. but the courts gave him a Stay where he now feels empowered like never before for his actions. He will get worse. He must have a 'girlfriend' to victimize to also not allow him to feel entirely depressed when he goes to have sex with others...b/c he can come home to something having the appearance of normalcy....the only normalcy in his life. He was demoted at work and did all of this before when he lived in another state. He has money and also threatens me with a law suit if i tell anyone about his problems. I formed an intervention by contacting who i thought were his closest friends..only to discover that he has no friends. No one wants anything to do with him. He will get worse as he gets older and he will put more women at risk both physically and mentally. He could become violent. He's a psychopath who's supposedly in counselling to get his perscription, but i think he has fully taken advantage of his counselor, family and 'friends'. I fear that he may even become violent say if his 'nice' grandmother were to die...who was entirely ashamed of him. or something ever happened to his mom or dad who i think he might have tried to 'protect' from the step-mother. His mother allowed dad and step mother to raise the children 1000 miles away from her. My ex, it seems, takes advantage of kind, trusting women and victimizes them for not succumbing to his desires, which he is completely aware are deviant, but he is incapable of controlling himself. He feels no sympathy nor empathy for human emotions. He's charming and gentlemanly to a very high degree...southernly deceitful charms. Racist and I've discovered recently that he has, ironically, exceptionally low self-esteem. He hates himself, yet has an inflated sense of self-worth. He is exceptionally conniving and manipulative. He will harm others. How do we stop him? help him?

4:00 PM  

I have been saying this same thing for years! When getting my divorce I failed to bring up that my ex had abused me. I thought we were both trying to be adults about raising our daughters. How wrong was I. He instead made false claims that I was abusing our daughter and I had to defend myself against that. My biggest mistake was never calling the police when he was abusing me. I'm sure I'm not alone in that but I just couldn't believe how it all backfired on me and the judge awarded him full custody of our oldest daughter because she was staying with him when in fact she was not. On one of his visits after we seperated, he sent her to Virginia to stay with his mother against my permission. Don't know how but the judge saw that as him having 'possession' of her. Because she was "already with him" by the time we got to the procedings, they said that's where she should stay. Do not trust your abusers on any level. To this day we are back and forth in and out of court whenever he gets a wild hair about something.

8:35 PM  

My situation is a little different in that I have been targeted by a large company that I am competing with for a school lunch account. They have dragged me through proceedings costing me both time and money and are draining my little company using the law to do it. I am appalled that people get away with harassing others and that there seems to be no recourse in stopping them. I can only imagine having to deal with an ex an having so much personal information exposed.
I have decided to fight back using there own tactics. Its not pleasant but I can work pro se too and have to believe good will prevail and that the churches and schools I work with will recognize that I am just a single mom trying to provide meals for school kids and scratch out a living for myself.

11:57 AM  

I am going through this issue with a foreign national (he is not a US citizen and does not live in the US). My ex didn't start getting bad until I became pregnant with our daughter a year after we met. He physically and psychologically abused me, and I have retained email records of his admitting to these things, including forcing me to have sex with him. Of course, like an idiot, I would forgive him every single time because I didn't understand why he was doing it. I broke up with him late 2010/early 2011, and he vowed to "get me back." Things hit the ceiling when I finally told him I was seeing someone, my now husband. And that same day, called me a whore, left my apartment when I told him he had to leave because he was becoming aggressive, and he went and saw an attorney. His attorney has called me "controlling" because I wouldn't allow overnights, pinned me in the corner because I wouldn't do webcam with him, and complained that I was downright unreasonable for not speaking to my ex and that I was attempting to alienate him. It would be a lie to say I am not wholly afraid for my daughter to be alone with him -- I cry each day she has visitation. In Idaho, they claim to care about domestic violence but it is not enforced in court. In fact, the judge completely ignored my claims. Didn't even bother to address them. My ex has lied, lied, lied in his affidavits and I have done nothing but tell the truth and I am the one being trashed by my own country that is supposed to protect me.

2:12 PM  

My story is a bit different and involves a very experienced manipulating Narcissist. This woman has fooled her two children despite giving them up (boy and girl) to marry and live with a man who had money. She married twice. Her stories are all pity stories that are presented gently then they gradually turn up to descriptions of lethal violence though, her divorce decrees state nothing of the sort. Her failed prep challenge (where I witnessed many mood swings and heavy drinking up to court date) was a miserable loss filled with more untruths. I should have been warned. Hubby #1 first described as obsessed with porn and even making videos of himself inserting objects into his anus. Okay, we know that is pretty bad moral stuff and that is what she does. Play on morals. She describe him as a man who crept through the night, climbed through her window and held a gun to her head, slapping her to wake up and threatened to kill her as her children slept beside her in bed that night. When her son graduated high school, I went with her and met the father. She and her daughter stood in disbelief that I was conversing with him for an hour or so. A day later, he invited her and me to a home party or his son's grad day. She was elated, surprised and excited and really wanted to go but could only go If I attended which I did. I learned later that she had not been allowed into his home for almost 18 years and yet one day he meets someone sane and allows her to come. She has not been allowed again since. Hubby #2: Claimed he was snored all the time, he was described as one to treat her inhumane and cruelly and often struck her when she did not desire sex with him. upon reading their divorce decree the worst reading was actually him flossing his teeth while showering and placing the floss on the shower wall. Yes, that was her chief complaint in court - lying little twit she is. Okay, my turn. We meet; she bitches and decides she wants to leave him so we become closer. She eventually asks to move in and I require a rental agreement which we completed. Wow was this woman Satan or what in the 3 years to follow. She paid one month’s rent in 4 years. Located the rental agreement and electronic copy and destroyed them both. Filed bankruptcy and placed my name on her pleadings to guard against paying me BUT continued to live in my home. She would always try to enter joint agreements so that I would be the primary payer but I never fell for that either. We transferred to Virginia with my employer and she was asked 5 times to make sure she would help with rental in VA District area because I STILL had the mortgage in NH. She lied 5 times still and I ENDED up paying over $3,000 a month for both homes alone in addition to regular expenses while she took her nightly $40 to yoga classes in Alexandria, VA with the ambroGi bikram school. This tramp was giving him $40 a night. I already knew she was setting the Ambrogi guy up and decided to take my son back to NH and transfer back with work as well. Single dad here. This woman was so conniving she thought to stay behind in VA to work on the yoga man but I believe her $ ran out of time so she begged to come home to NH after 30 days. Meaning, break the lease and rent more moving trucks

11:26 PM  

Big hearted, single dad here. I let her return and watched as she flirted with him or 3 months until she got the courage to go back to him in VA. in THE MEANTIME, She was labeling me the cheater, liar, etc. When all I did was PAY ALL THE BILLS AND RUN MY SON HERE AND THERE. I sold stuff online to keep up with bills while she complained that this company or that one took more from her check than they should have. She was already high on the lying bitch list with me at this point anyway. I kept track of her lies. She would use my checkbook to call in her car payments, use excess utilities and drink every night while surfing Facebook and other insane websites. Ultimately getting my entire network infected. Guess whose fault that was??? Yep, mine. I was accused now of watching porn and date sites online. WOW she gave me credit to do a lot of things as I primarily took care of a 4 year old and all homes expenses. Whew! Anyway, this woman, let’s calls her Suzanne; returned to VA to ambrogi and apparently took cash from him, hacked his computer and destroyed a few of his items. At least that was the voicemail he sent her which she sent to me upon her return to NH. She sent it to me so that I could; would protect her from this mean guy who was, as she described a lot perverted. Again she worked the moral shit as she portrayed the victim crap. She left him under the guise of having a job offer here. She NEVER had a job offer but it worked on him and he was pissed and rightfully so. Final year and days: She continued to live in my home, drinking bigger bottles of wine and more frequently too. Her stories and accusations were growing as much as her confidence in manipulation and deceit. She still continued to manipulate her kids, especially her daughter, who she gave up if you recall. They seem as adults, to love her out of being mom and that is about it. I think they know she is full of it at 48 Years of age now. she seemed to come home about holiday time where people normally get presents and big meals and such. And after the holidays, turn to a complete lying, thieving, alcoholic wench once again. She even had the gall to say that should anything happen to me or I get locked up, my son would go to the state to foster care to be raped, right in front of him. Knowing Domestic Violence laws, I refrained from knocking her teeth out. As I grew weary of feeding, sheltering sexing (stop the sex part because I was so disgusted with this tramp by now) there was nothing appealing or arousing about her at this point. She claimed I had ED but the truth is, she disgusted me in appearance, smell of wine from her pores, skin looking alcoholic like and clammy, and combined with her lying / manipulating ways, I only wanted her out of my home and out of our lives. This tramp had shown me all of her tricks and smokescreens and I was completely done with her. The face had now shown craters, butt drooped and sagged awfully, hair was falling out, and the odor was disgusting BUT in her mind, she was still the woman all men wanted.

11:28 PM  

Okay, moving day. She's gone and I realize she had done some childish pranks like turn on the utilities during the day which resulted in 4 months of $300+ gas bills. Missing bank account cash, other things a cowardly abuser would do. Man, did I keep and discover a lot of evidence against her. Why??? Because 30 days after leaving this tramp filed a Domestic Violence against me. The claim was tossed out the same day as court. Interesting thing is: She was confident to lie to the judge to get the order. Okay, so she was me with another woman in the car after I kicked her out, 30 days later but she did not tell the judge that. She said she was afraid for her life after 30 days of being kicked out. Case closed no merit. Well, I am upset but I'm bigger than this loser Suzanne. I do state clearly in court that she should never be in my life or anything to do with me. But, she keeps some of her information attached to my home and I GATHERED that evidence too, legally mind you. But now, she goes to a judge to gain a second Protective order for stalking, because she is again, afraid for her life and I am following her (on my way home). Okay, I'm charged with stalking but I know this will fail too. This woman has such a history of wanting, needing to be a victim, so she lied to the police and they would rather let the court handle it so I take the charge and we wait for court - no problem. The police are awesome and they are playing it safe so no resentment towards them. After all the manipulating, victim syndrome Shaw lady had used them too. (I think that act may prove to be a dangerous one for her). So, we're waiting for court date right? No, not yet, the victim thinker files a Civil Suit for stalking and expenses for her fear BEFORE the actual trial??? once again she sits in front of a judge, lies and signs her name to a second protective order. Okay, she has so far duped 4 men (others too, I'm sure) the police, and 3 judges into believing I would want to harm her. I THINK that she is serious WITH HER STATE THREAT TO MY SON: She has taken her Victim Syndrome to high levels now gets the police, judges and courts in on her scheme.

11:29 PM  

Not only that BUT after securing her 2nd Protective order, she calls my cell from a block number and leaves the following message: Well no real message but she does utter a few words and begins to have SEX on the phone with her most recent victim to be. Wait, 3 days ago she filed a protective order for her life being in danger by the named one, me AND then calls my cell to leave a voicemail of her having sex? okay, THERE HAS TO BE A LAW against falsely using the police, multiple cons of getting protective order, the theft the deceit, and that obscene phone call (that's what Ill claim it to be) Obscene and she gets protection???? This woman clearly has made me the victim 4 times over - why isn't there more Bing / Google search info on women that abuse a law designed to help those who are truly being raped, punched around or shot? I would love to see her go to jail for 30 days or so for the crap she has pulled. THE PAIN SHE CAUSED MY CHILD, the false arrest claim. But guess what? Her manipulating skills are so high that she'll likely get away with it to do it all again. I am confident that we were operating within our right with the stalk claim but sadly, she will not have to experience being locked up or at a minimum, undergo psychiatric care because - all the evidence I compiled from the last 6 months will say she is a disturbed 48 almost 50 years old woman. This law should not protect her. Sshe is a long time narcissistic manipulating, drinking, sneaky woman who has gained the confidence of too many people. I want her exposed and treated because she will end up depleting someone’s retirement and suffering real pain as a result from someone that is not as anti-violent as myself. Suzanne, you are a tremendous loser.

11:30 PM  

wow, this is incredible and may deserve public attention if true.

good luck

10:55 AM  

I have been dealing with my ex for 4 years now. I have been investigated by two state attorney offices, 30 DCF false allegations, 7 Adult protective Agency investigation, 1 false arrest(found not guilty by jury trial), investigated by social security administration for mishandling funds(allegations unfounded). He has tried to sue me, my mother, 4 of my attorneys, two police departments. He has tried to get a total of 9 restraining orders against in one county 4 in another. This is very emotionally damaging. I feel trapped sometimes. This man wont stop and nobody stops him because he has a mental illness( that what they tell me). The only reason I am ok is because I have not had any contact with him alone since 2008 and I never lied. Still this changes you . The abuse got worse when I left him. The only Advise I can give others is distance, no calling, no physical contact, go to a shelter where they protect people against domestic violence . Advocates of domestic violence give support and can help find free legal assistance. FOR GODS SAKE, keep a record of everything they have filed and the outcome. SHOW A PATTERN!!! If you are going to leave them any document you can get from your mutual residence (police records, medical records of them ). Dont let them make you feel like the guilty one!!! Empower and stand up for your right to live free.

12:59 PM  

My ex abuser is the the father to my 7 year old daughter. I left him 6 years ago and have been only punished for leaving him. He takes me to family court at least 8 times a year with frivolous petitions. Each time I have to prove I'm a good mother and it makes sure I know I'm still under his thumb. I did all the things they teach you at women's shelter, I moved on and started a new family with a loving man that has never abused me or our children. All the court proceedings, law guardian visits, fake child services reports and things he does to my daughter during his visits has taken over our lives. I cry and go into a depression each time more court papers come in the mail. This has put a horrible strain on my new marriage and finances. My daughter cries and fights me every time she has to go pnra visit. But none of this means anything to the judge or law guardian. Last time I was in court the judge threatened me with jail time if she could find I have done something wrong because she is tired of the serial filing. Which only made home file another petition before trial. I'm so scared that the judge is going to believe his lies and put me in jail and take me away from my children. All I can afford is legal aid and I can't even get a return phone call from him to prep for this. I don't know what to do? I'm terrified. I have tried to get a pro bono lawyer and have done research into laws but have gotten no where. Is there anything you or your readers could suggest? I hate to ask, nut maybe you might have some resources. I just want this to end and live a happy life again.

12:08 AM  

Go to your local DV or Women's Crisis Center and speak to an advocate (do NOT tell your story on the phone to whoever answers - make an appt and GO)
They often have legal resources.

Also, the judge can be asked to appoint a public defender for you. You can ask that YOUR EX be charged for your defensive custody lawyer every time he files another frivilous piece of garbage as well as paying for court time. That will put a crimp in his style. You and your legal defense need to meet with the judge and tell him/her she is accusing THE WRONG PERSON. She needs to levy some consequences on him for this. Financial and jail time. Don't be afraid to let them know to look to the person who KEEPS FILING THIS NONSENSE.

Or if you live near a large university that has a law school - they have clinics that may help you.

Good luck.

2:52 AM  

I have tried to get help from the local women's shelters and made several spots and spoken with different counselors. They say my only option is to give my daughter to him and pay child support. I don't see this will help he will still take me to court for anything he can.

I have a court appointed attorney that can't be bothered to speak with me about the case. The last time we spoke he confirmed that the judge will not hesitate to put me in jail if my ex continues to file. I asked how that is possible since I did nothing wrong? The answer I got back was that is how the courts work.

This is so hard and I'm so scared. This emotional warfare is too much for too many years. No one will stop him. He was right I would pay and I'm doubting my decision to leave him. Sad they never mentioned at the shelter that the abuse will continue after you leave. If anyone has any other ideas I need all the help I can get.

12:17 PM  

I had thought too that it would end with the restraining order :( but judges need to realize that some people are relentless and have no respect for the legal system.

3:11 PM  

Ask for a different judge, i believe it's called a recussal. Youare allwed to do that once during the time the case is open. I agree with Barbara, the women's shelter is a great place to start, they have legal advocates that can help you figure out your legal issues. They often offer classes too that deal with different aspets of abuse...whether past or present. you will find allies there...please use them :)

3:16 AM  

Just move far away with your new husband and your kids to another state or even country, where your crazy ex's actions are going to put him in jail, and not you! File a law suit against him for mentally and emotionally abusing and harrassing your daughter. Go for counseling w/your daughter and new husband to learn some coping skills and take some legal courses from different non profit groups. My prayers go
out for you!!

4:24 AM  

I am american trapped in australia with my american australian kids. I cannot visit home without going to court to try to get ex to have kids for that time. They are not allowed passports to travel at all. He is an abusive australian sociopath who also dragged me through court many times for amazingly transparent revengeful reasons. The last bout lasted 2 1/2 yrs and i tried to get relocation back home but was told by court i didnt count and it was in best interest of children to see their dad all of a months worth a year(he wont see them more) and he hss no obligations and cannot be made to pay child support nor will he. It is and always was about abusing me witb no regard for the children and the courts sanctioned it. We live in poverty and i have no family here or help with kids. Austalia violates womens rights especially if you are not australian. So angry ellen degeneres and oprah bragged about how great australia is. Trapped and soul dead in the unlucky sexist human right violating prejudiced country....

10:56 AM  

Sue your ex's for Abuse Of Process, slander/defamation of character, mental/emotional duress, ect. That'll stop it dead in it's tracks.

8:20 PM  

This has been happening to me for over 3 years now. My stalker even managed to get a claim heard in the supreme court. His claims are insane and I can not believe the courts even allow him to proceed with this. He got may restraining order varied so that he could contact me for civil litigation so obviously I have to have a lawyer or he would use the guise of civil litigation to send me things directly. He continues to harass me via the internet making websites about me and fake profiles. He sends emails to me from random email address's and then just deletes the account. He parks his car in my street just outside of his distance requirement and so the police cant technically get him for a breach!! There is little point in me making a claim for harassment as he has not job or money. Government housing gave him a flat in my very suburb!!! The laws need to change , people that are convicted stalkers should have to make an application to a judge if they want to proceed with civil claims so that the judges can see the cases and possibly stop them from even starting considering these peoples claims are usually so obviously ridiculous and vexatious. C'mon Judicial activism!!!

9:03 PM  

If he's a danger to you or kids start changing your identity
Get passports under new ids and run
The law doesn't always protect
I'm living in hell abusive ex has destroyed while family n been given primary care of baby duspite assaulting us
Has stalked me
Breached non mol order and police won't investigate
Has sexual conviction

12:46 PM  

I feel for all of you. I went through the exact same nightmare, abuse during my marriage, then daily harassment during the divorce in every way, including use the court system against me with false allegations all the time. I advise all of you, gather your finances, beg, borrow, steal, get new identities and passports and get out of the country. I did, and now the only thing he can do, is continue to make false allegations in court where he is, against me, but he can't touch me, because I won my case for my children through the Hague, within six months.
In answer to his false allegations, there is something called an anti-suit injunction, which will stop any court action in whichever country it is, and put his action in the court of your choice, where you will be heard sympathetically, and if he is found guilty of misuse of the court system, an Order will be made to stop him from any further court actions. Please don't lose hope. To the lady in Australia, I was also stuck in a foreign country, without any lawyer, or finances. He refused to pay any monies he was court ordered to pay me. I sometimes didn't have money for food, but I am telling you now, that if I could get out of my situation, so can you. You have family and friends abroad. Use them, to help you leave. Don't be the victim anymore. Get proactive, formulate a plan, and then get a plan B. Do your research in Australian law, and on the Hague, and on safe haven countries, that will not accept a custody order from a particular country. There are possibilities, and there are naturally risks, but how long are you willing to allow yourself to be a victim? Good luck to everyone here.

8:36 AM  

I will not publish the ugly details. Anyone who has arrived here knows full well what my family and I have experienced. We escape, we survive, but we still know each other by the look in our eyes. Once a soul has been disassembled, it is never quite the same. For better and worse.My healing finally began when I discovered that I was not alone in this hell. That it is actually a sick chapter in the book of humanity. The names change, the patterns remain. In the end, the answer is to become better than we ever wanted to be. To believe it and live it. To be wiser from the experience.

8:36 PM  

I feel the pain of everyone here. It's been almost a decade of insanity but the tide is turning.

Borderline/narccicist/socio-psychopaths are the most twisted, complex, pathetic and frustrating individuals in existence. They give evil a face that allows them to get a foot in the door and keep it there. The "healing" rate for this personality type is near zero because the damage/genetics that created it are so old and deep.

Accept what is. You cannot change them. The legal system is sorely in need of education about them (and are highly populated by and profit highly from them) but there are those in practice who do understand what you're dealing with and how to deal with them.

Stay strong. Keep the faith, and documents, document, document! Eventually they show themselves for who they are and you and them and the courts become exhausted and fed up with the stupidity.

Learn as much as you can about their ways as possible. DO NOT allow yourself to be sucked back in but DO be in a position to do the kind of documentation you need to protect yourself and your children.

It Will happen and the best way to get rid of them is to show them for who they are and embarrass the hell out of them in public, in the courtroom...where they are seeking and receiving the attention they crave so much, multiplied.

You see, it's not even you or your caring they want. They feed off of attention. Period. You're just a symbol of what they fear will negate their very existence: rejection, boundaries, sanity. That is not a world in which they feel comfortable or can function in. They create their own reality...and so are more fragile than they let on...which is why they defend it so passionately...and need to punish you for not conforming.

The worst things you can do to a borderline-narcissist is to embarrass and ignore them. They are that afraid of becoming nonexistent.

The only way they can maintain their existence is by getting attention.

While I feel sorry for their next victim, it is the only other ticket to your freedom, which also takes great strength, fortitude, patience, love, and self confidence.

They are just overgrown bullies, and inside each bully is chicken shi_.

Know this. Observe closely. Learn what triggers them, record it and have witnesses. Show the court what a nut case you're dealing with and what you HAVE done to try to work with them. If you've had restraining orders, chances are you're not the only one. Do a background check. Find others. Get organized! Wait till you have enough to work with, then do it!

It WILL happen, but you must arm yourself with knowledge, patience, evidence, and most importantly, step out of fear and emotion. Do NOT show your vulnerability.

If you have children, love them (and yourself as their safe parent) enough to do this...but most of all do it for yourself. Its like the oxygen mask on the airplane metaphor. When sanity returns, your children will respond and relax and recalibrate and you will all heal.

You're strong enough to have gotten this far. You're already one of the strongest people you know.

You CAN do this...and you will.

God speed.

7:18 PM  

Sage advice:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tina-swithin/8-tips-for-dealing-with-a_b_2799069.html

7:26 PM  

I have had 3 dcf cases. The first, I thought I may have put my son down a little hard and freaked out thinking I may have done something wrong. I called the dr, took him to the e.r. he was released and he was ok.( Just to state, i was a new mom 22 finally got my own apartment, working 2 jobs constantly to support us, ex was in jail, very stressed) dr office called dcf. 2nd case my ex bf mom called and said I had a drug dealer living in my house, I just laughed at that one!! I dont do drugs but they had to investigate anyways. The investigator himself said my ex was crazy...off the record. 3rd I thought my son may have been sexually abused by a family member, I told a professional and she called dcf. So 2 cases I had I called on myself the other was hilarious! Anyways...my sons father has been fighting me for 2 years. He pulled the records for dcf and the hospital and blew it out of proportion. He walked out of the custody proceeding and I was granted sole custody, took me bk again for visitation and custody he got supervised visits, he uses the dcf stuff every time but i fight him. He never went through with the visits. Took me bk again, got an pendente lite order, telling them to take my son away..The courts denied it. He then put in an application to terminate his parental rights stating "the custody battle is affecting his mental health and he needs to come first" then he withdrew the application. Took me bk to court again, there was no agreement so we had a GAL granted. The GAL sided with my ex 100%. Both of them bullied me. The attorney barely kept in touch with me, gave me an attitude etc. Mean while during the process of in between going to court my ex would beg to see my son, so id give in. Luckily my son was small, so he didn't see what he was doing. My ex would tell me we should be a family and I would decline for numerous reasons. Then he would get mad and start arguments with me in front of my baby. Then I would say no visits. This was off and on for about a year. As of now ive fought for my son countless times. He has supervised visits again.... oh and I got GAL thrown off case, the judge made it so he cant take me bk to court without the courts permission (motion to leave) he didnt follow through with visits so I found him in contempt. Now he has the visits and harasses me every time, in text msgs, on the phone. Hes a sociopath. It never ends. He will always use the dcf cases against me. All 3 were unsubstantiated. He neglects to mention the end result. He knows how hard ive worked to get where I am and provide for our son. He doesn't pay child support, my son gets his disability benefits so he pays nothing out of pocket. Ive asked him for $ and to go half on big purchases with me, he says yes....I buy it, then he tells me no because thats shared custody and I have sole custody so hes not responsible. Hes trying to fibd me in contempt for being 15 mins late to a visit....our son is 3!!! Hello!!!! But I still give him the two hours regardless of the time I arrive. It will never end. I am depressed. Im scared. I keep fighting and I have been for 2 years...constantly. ive been to court 8 or more times in 2 yrs! I cant take it anymore! I feel like im going crazy. Idk anymore. Im trying to stay positive but idk anymore oh yea as I had mentioned hes a sociopath and former drug addict and denied my son from birth. Good shit!!! Idk!! GOD HELP ME!!!

5:43 PM  

I agree 100%. My ex tried kicking me out of the house we had just rented during one of her anxiety/depression freakouts, waking me up by violently throwing things and attacking me. Rather than escalate the violence I left to give her time to calm down. While I was asleep at a friend's the next night I was attacked and beaten by the police. She had fabricated an abuse story to make sure I couldn't return to my own house and I spent 15 days in jail, without my pain medication, hallucinating from the effects, as she tore up the remaining pieces of my life on the outside. Luckily those who knew me best didn't believe the story she made up, but the damage was already done. I still have flashbacks and emotional issues from my stay in jail and physical injuries from what the police did to me. Some women use their gender to garner sympathy and use it as a weapon. It happens much too frequently.

9:04 AM  

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