Sanctuary for the Abused

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents (ACONS)

Is Love Enough?
When lay people and professionals alike talk about dysfunctional families, often the question arises: Did the mother love the children? Or, did the father love the children?

Parental love is a very complicated emotion. If a parent compulsively looks after their children's health, insisting they eat only organic food, and natural vitamins, is this a form of love? How about if a parent makes a child come home after school and forbids any socializing until the studies are completed to her satisfaction--because this way the child will get into Harvard. Is this love? If the parent is looking after the child's best interests, then arguably their actions reflect love. But where is the line drawn? Some parents say to their children:
"Everything I did, I did for you--fed you, clothed you, put a roof over your head--all of it for you."
While probably an exaggeration, there is still a bit of truth here. Was there love? Probably. One can usually find a kernel of love towards their children in even the most narcissistic of parents. "I love you because you reflect well on me" is still love, however sullied. (One might argue that love in the service of selfish needs is not really love--but the line between selfish and unselfish love is a fuzzy one indeed.) Furthermore, the tears a narcissistic parent sheds when their child dies are absolutely real.

Simply put, love is too complicated an emotion to be of much use in distinguishing narcissistic and healthy parents. In my experience, if you ask adult children of narcissistic parents whether they were loved, many if not most will say "yes, in a controlling, self-centered way" even after they've completed therapy. Another variable, however, is far more telling. The critical questions are: "Did my parent respect and value what I said, see myself as independent from them in a positive way, and feel that my thoughts and feelings were as important as theirs." In other words, did my parent allow me "voice?" No adult child of a narcissistic parent can answer these questions in the affirmative.

These questions define the critical injury to adult children with narcissistic parents. Interestingly, many such people have no problem finding "love." But deep affection does not satisfy them unless accompanied by the granting of "voice" by a powerful person. As a result, adult children of narcissistic parents often go from bad relationship to bad relationship in search of "voice."

For parents, the implications are clear. Love is not enough. Client after client has taught me this unequivocal lesson:
If you want to raise emotionally healthy children, you must give them the gift of "voice."
ORIGINAL ARTICLE

A SITE BY THE DAUGHTER OF A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER

FACEBOOK SUPPORT GROUP FOR DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS

Labels: , , , , , ,

shared by Barbara at 12:20 AM


Share

71 Comments:

I have been in search of something that addresses this issue. I learned in my 40s via a therapist that my mother was a narcissist. I completely detached from my family of origin as a result. I've had a much better life since I made the decision. Now I have a brother that tells me my parents are dying. My concern now is whether or not it would do me and my own family more harm if I consider the possibility of some kind of closure. Perhaps simply attending the funeral would do this.

6:25 PM  

It is a very complicated issue. I have been in a similar situation. My mother is a narcissist at 85 years old and continues to not be truthful to herself or others about her own physical limitations , but uses it against me to say to others, in front of me, I won't take her out of the nursing home to come to our home or to go other places, when she is physically not capable of getting in or out of a car. When she was admitted to the nursing home I will never forget that she said "I put her there." She had been sick day in and out and had to go to the hospital at which time the doctors decided she was not able to go back to assisted living, which was a very good call. But that was all my fault. She doesn't like me to visit with others at the nursing home it's always "come on lets go". I could write a book about the last 30 years of my life with her behaviors and my "golden child" brother. I do and do and do for her with little appreciation and always wanting something more. She has never been interested in making new friends at the assisited living or at the nursing home only if those people can be of benefit to her. She really has no need for friends unless they can do for her. I left her for two weeks and had decided I had put up with this stuff for long enough, she didn't shed a tear only to say"are you abandoning me?" She didn't really care to look at herself to see what she has been doing all of these years to drive me away or what her most recent behavior had been. Well... I did go back but do not spend as much time with her as she sucks the life out of me. I make three visits to see her a week for 2 hours each time. She would like me there everyday all day at her beck and call, chasing down the CNAs Nurses or doing things for her. I still take care of all of her personal business paying her bills on her house that hasn't sold after two years on the market and her nursing home and doctor bills etc.

In your situation I guess going to the funeral would bring closure, I am still trying to decide about even doing one for my mom when the time comes as I do not want to go to the funeral to hear from her friends, that never really knew the real person she was, how much they thought of her and what a wonderful person she was blah blah blah, and how they know I will miss her etc. I do not want or need to hear that from them, as they do not know the real person she was and how she treated me. My husband of 30 years has had nothing to do with her for many years now as he got his fill and said "no more".
Going to your parents funeral may be difficult if you are like me with these feelings.

7:10 PM  

Good grief! These could have been written by my mother, adult child of a now 90 year old narcissist. I have to watch my mother have the life sucked out of her and bend over backwards to please her mother who cannot be pleased and is never satisfied. She has no boundaries, is selfish and downright cruel. I am planning to adopt a child soon and am absolutely not allowing this destructive force to be around my little one...it's bad enough she hurt my mother growing up and made life difficult for me! My mother and I jokingly say that if Nana lives to 100, we'll both be dead! We laugh but it the stress of another 10 years of this will indeed do us in if we let it!

3:00 PM  

The funeral of a narcissitic mother is a sad and complicated affair. I know as I have been there done that. My mom died this summer. She was dying of cancer and did not tell anyone except my father who honored her wishes of keeping this a secret. My parents had been angry with me over a petty diagreement that was probably fueled by Mom's narcissim. I had distanced myself from them for sanity yet I still had much pain too work through. It had been about 3 years since the start of estrangement. I was in complete shock when my father called in June to tell me she was dead. I am an only child. My mother died in Boston and I live in SC so I arramged her entire funeral alone. I don't know how I did it. I guess I was on auto pilot. I cried for the relationship I never had with her and longed for. In my case I don't think the knowledge of the cancer would have changed an impossible situation. A good bye does not seem plausible inretrospect. It would have been artifical because nothing with N's is real. It was hard to listen to people go on about this wonderful person that I did not know. Truely it flew over my head. I was shocked. I concentrated on trying to do the right thing for my dad even though he enabled her. He did not see how mean she was and I am not going there with him. I am moving forward with the future and the time we have left together. I do feel unsetteled as to where she is now despite everything. God will show you the answers to this dilema.

6:25 PM  

after researching the symptoms of malignant narcissism, i realized that i KNOW this MUST be the diagnosis for my step-son's mother, who is abusive towards him emotionally, and uses him as a weapon to try to eliminate his father and i from her life; with no concern for her son, danny's, needs or feelings. she puts on a superficial face to play the victim, and even makes up pathological lies to divert the attention away from any of her own wrong-doing so she doesn't have to accept responsibility for her own actions. her lies are out of control and it's come to the point that we're considering not visiting with danny anymore because she is hurting him emotionally and socially, he is confused by her attempts to implant him with false memories, and has made it dangerous for us to visit with him because she makes up such horrible accusations, bringing dss into our lives all the time, and it's something that we want to keep our younger boys away from. i understand this behavior of hers is VERY hard to bring to the attention of authoritative figures, so what can i do to help danny?! who will listen?

1:53 PM  

Bless you all. I have a narcisist father and a mother with borderling personality disorder. They both feared their children's invidivuality so much that they would use any means possible to stop us from having a voice - beating, shaming, guilting, manipulation, divisiveness. It makes it so hard to think that they may have loved us a little - even if controlling. I go through periods where i just wish they would die. And i feel so ashamed for feeling that way about another human being. There are tormented, and it has passed on to me. I really just want some peace from this all.

3:37 AM  

youth,survival,emotional scarring,dealt with.over it.moving on letting go,forgiving,not able to forget.maturity,life in general,I've been OKAY for years..Then SHE is slowly dying in intensive care.I am that terrified traumatized,lonely,helpless,hurtingchild again now in my 50's feeling 7 yrs.old again.

9:08 AM  

is the love for the child...or the love for the child as their offspring, their extension of themself, their second chance to get right what was not right in their first childhood? Are the tears at time of death for the loss of the child themself...or for the loss of their extension, their second chance? I believe when you love someone you encourage them to be whatever they are and not to project your ideas of whatever they should be (whatever you were supposed to be). You selfishly (and unselfishly) want your child to be happy...defined by your child. Rather than defining their success and paving the way, pushing them along the way...while they take the path knowing that it will mean their parent's love, pride and attention... This sounds bad, but when you love someone because they are you...becoming your desires...in order to gain your love...that's not real. Try actually using your voice to say those aren't my desires...and the test results will be in...it is quite amazing when you say no...not doing it that way anymore...from ignoring and continuing to tell you what to do, to anger and more forceful telling you what to do, to crying and telling you what to do, to stubborness and telling you what to do, all back to square one...there is nothing wrong, nothing happened, keep doing what I expect you to do. It's about the love for themself, really the proving they are a success through the "success" of their child (I think) and how the child (even adult) can continue that....for if the child is good and successful (in the eyes of the parent), then the parent is good and successful...never mind that the child has never ending and unidentifiable stress and anger because they are waiting until that day when their life can become their own...

8:07 PM  

Living with a NPD mother after avoiding hher for 20 years is terribly hard and frustrating. I am in the midst of being homeless without her help with 3 little boys and am seeking out homeless shelters as we speak b/c living with her is like living with your worst enemy times a million. Her rages, her criticism, her manipulation..2 months here and my children are already begging to leave...but what does one do in this situation other than pray to find a better answer. All of my old childhood wounds have been reopened again. The pain is the most horrendous pain I have ever experienced and tried to bury it once I left for college at 18....Any comments to this situation would be greatly appreciated.

1:09 PM  

I am 37 years old and am the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I have had no contact with mom & dad for 3 years to "protect" my small daughter and stop the cycle of abuse. I may never be able to be fixed, but she will never grow up to be an adult with self esteem issues thinking she is not good enough. I kept going back to my "parents" and trying to fix the relationship, and getting kicked like a punching ball, and going back for more for 30 some years, but now I have my own family to think of, it is just not me and my husband. I've reached out for counseling. That is how I discovered "mom" was narcissistic. Now all of a sudden "dad" wants a relationship with me. He called me on my birthday and sent a card. I've had no contact in three years. I had to learn on the internet that my brother and his wife are expecting a baby next month, that took the air right out of me. My brother doesn't talk to me either because of his unity with "mom," he can't be my friend and mom's at the same time. I've always had a soft spot for my dad, he actually has feelings, it is like a drug. I'm tempted to call him, but I'm terrified to let my heart get broke again. What should I do? Thanks,BabyGirl.

7:20 PM  

NO CONTACT!!! Nothing has changed. Do not go back. Do nice things for your self... she had her chance... she will NEVER NEVER change.

no contact
no contact
no contact

9:36 PM  

Thanks Barbara for responding to my question. I know you are right. No Contact. Narcissistic Disorder is very debilitating for "families" and I only hope that people become aware of it and its effects on REAL PEOPLE. It is very hard breaking away from the "family" and then you wonder what they tell all the relatives about you "the black sheep of the family" when there is nothing wrong with ME. My husband and my counselor I am still "surprising" with things I had to encounter from that woman called "mom" from my childhood. All emotional abuse. No Contact!

10:13 AM  

I have just found out through an off handed comment that my therapist made about my mother being a narcissist that in fact both of my parents are narcissist. I grew up never feeling loved or accepted and developed co-dependency because of it. I see that I rebelled against my parents yet I sought relationships from narcissistic controlling men.
Now that I have been aware that neither of my parents have the capacity or will to truly love I can stop feeling that this has been all my fault and move on to people that are worthy of my love.
Thank god I have found the strength to remain single for almost a year now, my last "boyfriend" if one could even call him that as he was so critical and narcissistic put me in such a state that I vowed to be single for as long as it took until I felt a real love for someone and I stopped seeing men as people to rescue me from my insecurities.
I have now begun extensive research into narcissism because psychology is fascinating to me but most importantly whether my therapist was aware of it or not she hit the nail on the head and opened up a topic of deep relevance to me, the reason for so many of my doubt, low self-esteem and numerous relationships with narcissists and my nagging desire to have a closeness with my parents that I now realize I need to let go of.
I still have contact with them but even a simple phone call leaves me doubting myself as there is no joy to them and their criticism is always just below the surface. It has always been all about their lifestyle, which is very luxurious and consists of constant travel and the best of everything, but when it comes to my life and my needs they view it as such a burden. It's weird because although they have so much it isn't anything they want to part with if it isn't for their own indulgences.
I still don't feel loved and respected and cared for after all these years and now I know why.
Blessings...

9:20 AM  

HI, I just read your story. I posted mine above yours. I am the 37 year old with the narcissistic mother. I just wanted to share with you that I have really learned a lot from my psychologist. He has really helped me a lot, so please, keep on with your appointments. It is one thing to know why your parents are the way they are, but in reality, it doesn't take away years of emotional abuse and disappointments. That is why I am glad I have continued to see my psychologist. I can say I have noticed a change in myself, my self esteem, and I have gained control back by truly feeling not scared of "mom." That is a feat in itself. I am glad you found this website. It is very nice to know you are not alone.

12:48 AM  

My father is a complete narcissist and I KNOW he has never loved me, or shown me love. Since being a small child I barely registered on his radar as having value or importance. Control was exerted via guilt until I began to stand my ground as a teen and more firmly as an adult.

My younger brother moved in with my father as a young child, enticed with gifts and promises of love, only to be ignored and abused. Leaving that situation as a young adult, my father 'mourned' the loss of the son he had 'done so much for'.

Any assertion of our own needs (as his children) was seen as an attack on his. When my older brother died, my father (despite being uninterested in my him for his entire life, and out of contact with him for over ten years) was 'devastated'. In his presence, the only pain that could be discussed was his own. He inserted himself in the planning of the funeral proceedings and traveled with me to bring my brother's ashes home and used the opportunity to assauge himself of his own guilt as a parent. He was deaf to my requests that he drop the subject. For almost two days I listened to his blaming of his poor parenting on circumstance, my mother and any other scapegoat he could find.

As for your comment about my father's tears being real. Sorry, but NO WAY! My father did not even know my brother, he reveled in my brother's death because it made him the center of attention. He ignored the pain of the people around him and played the role of a grieving father when he had likely seen my brother less that 30 times since he was a small child. While my family (mom, younger brother, step father and myself) grappled with the aftermath of my brother's death, attended legal proceedings and presented victim impact statements, my father bowed out of the hard stuff, only to attack the outcome of said proceedings and belittle our efforts by saying 'if I had been there it would have been different.'

People are unable to relate to this experience with my biological father. They cannot imagine a man with so little regard for his own grandchildren that he makes no effort to remember their names, while in the same breath admonishes his offspring for not calling him on father's day like 'good children' should.

5:13 AM  

Hi. After reading your story, I would like to say first, I am sorry to hear of your loss of your brother.
Then, I would like you to know you are not alone in having a "biological narcissistic parent" who puts on "acts" of "emotion" for public display. Part of being the Narcissistic is the "Mirror Image" they project to the public. So friends of theirs or cousins that think they "know" the family and know them will see them as the loving parent, which they are not. I think it is only many years of knowing them that maybe outsiders maybe could figure them out.
I don't doubt you at all that your biological father's tears were not real, it was for show, just like you said. I sought out therapy this year for the first time. Best thing I have done. I have a Narcissistic mother. I moved out when I was 18. Finally was strong enough to cut off all ties with her in 2008, then this year, started therapy with a psychologist, and learned about Narcissistic personality and what families go through. My dad is in denial and choses not to have a relationship with my family. Sad to take in and it disappoints me, but he has lived so long too under her narcissistic control, I see where he can't take that leap, even to be a grandparent. As for her, no, I want no relationship with my narcissistic mother what so ever.I have been dealing with this for 30 some years, if anything I said can save you any distress, I hope I helped in any little way.

1:42 AM  

Hi all,

Very helpful article! I grew up with two narcissistic parents. Thanks to their public 'faces' Everyone else thought they were fantastic, and I got sick of hearing "You've got such good parents!" Only I, their only child, knew what went on at home.

I don't know if anyone else ever felt like this, but I went through a stage of honestly thinking I must have been adopted. My parents got the short paper version of my birth certificate and their names aren't actually on it. They also said things like "We've fed you for all these years!" when I did something they didn't approve of. I naturally thought, "Well, that's what you do for a child you've given birth to, isn't it? You feed them - physically, emotionally, and spiritually." That was what others did, but not them.

If I died, I think the tears would be real, but they would not be for me, if that makes sense. They would both be crying for the loss of their trophy. They'd cry for their own misery, anger, and shame that the child they'd created to fulfil all of their own desires could be so inconsiderate as to die on them and leave them unfulfilled. I imagine they'd look much like toddlers having a supermarket tantrum for some of it :) This is how I choose to see them to make it easier on myself: as kids who never really grew up. Maybe they could have chosen to see how warped what they were doing was and get help for it, or maybe there was no helping them. Either way, it's their issue and not mine. I used to wish I'd never been born sometimes, but now I think about what Mother Teresa said about how each person is valuable. She said even if a child is conceived under not-so-ideal circumstances, they are still a child like all other children. Their life matters to the world and it should be preserved and nurtured. This always gives me comfort as I try to find myself as an adult never having been given the chance to be a child, and I hope it helps you too. Bless you all.

8:29 AM  

Barbara,
I've been 3 years with cut off ties of my narcissistic mother (my doing). Then a couple months ago, my dad (still married to mom) sincerely wanted to have a relationship with me and my family. After thinking about it a great deal, I opened my heart, thinking, what if this is the time. It didn't happen. After 8 weeks of broken promises I had to realize he too is controlled still by his narcissistic wife, even through he wants to be a dad and grandfather, what she says goes, and she doesn't want him in my life if she can't be. What is worse, my brother and his wife didn't tell me they were expecting a baby, because of mom's control over him, so I was left out of all of that. I am also afraid he may be a narcissistic himself.
My question Barbara is, I have been 3 years without these people, then opened my heart, and now, I can't help feeling like I am back to square ONE, Day ONE, like those 3 years are down the drain. Is this a normal feeling for Daughters of narcissists mothers? Any words of wisdom?

12:51 PM  

Rather than discuss it here, you would like this group of Daughters of NMothers:
http://www.facebook.com/groups/41045159055/

You can discuss it with others like you there.

12:52 AM  

I'm a 46-year-old daughter of a 65-year-old narcissistic mother. I broke off any and all contact with her nearly three years ago.

It was hard because we were so "enmeshed." Her thoughts and beliefs were mine. I had no voice. I had no love. That is the way she wanted it.

Five years ago after a nervous breakdown, I had to arrive at the truth about my mother. What she was and that she would never change. I also had to come to the realization that I was now broken inside.

That I had no self-love. That my relationships with men have all been my wanting something from them -- more love, more acceptance, more sex. I realized that deep down I loathed myself. Because I always felt that my mother did, on a level to treat me as coldly as she did.

She even turned my brother, his wife and their children against me -- all so that she could feel better about herself.

During my breakdown, I was suicidal and depressed for months. A friend got me to a therapist and I have recovered from that. However, the painful memories are still there along with an ache inside that I cannot shake.

I still feel as if something is missing. I've had so many obstacles to overcome. Including accepting that I will never be a mother (I had a hysterectomy last year).

I always thought that being a mother would be my chance to bring something beautiful, positive and wonderful into the world, and somehow erase all of the abuse by showering my child with all of the love and affection and validation I never received.

I struggle with this sense of loss every day. It's not a debilitating struggle as it once was, but it is a struggle nonetheless.

I just wanted to say that there are days when I think that I am over what my mother did to me. And then there are days when I feel as if I will never feel good about myself or about anything ever again.

I'm trying as hard as I can to feel better. It is a tremendous struggle.

12:50 PM  

Think about joining the Facebook group for Daughters of NMothers I listed.

Hopefully you are getting some sort term therapy for this. You may have PTSD - many children of Ns do.

8:24 PM  

I'm so sick and sorry for all of us. Men and women, kids and teens that are trying to figure out what is wrong.

An interesting thing that might help to show you what goes on in their brain is a video series on Youtube titled, "I, Psychopath." It features a man who had previously been (mis)diagnosed as a narcissist but went on to have an MRI perfomed to check for psychopathy and low and behold he is in fact, A PSYCHOPATH! In this series you also get a glimpse of his wife and the abuse that he pours on her head and those of the film maker etc. It is worth the time to watch it.

If we started performing MRI's on people diagnosed or suspected of being narcissist, I think we'd find that ALL of them were actually psychopaths. And guess what? People who have the brain functioning of a psychopath don't process the emotions of love, empathy or gratefulness. It just doesn't work, the part of the brain that would normally process it. So that feeling of not being loved by them is valid. You weren't as they weren't capable of it. In the place of these emotions psychopaths are left with jealousy, hatrad, wanting to control, dominate, and to be worshipped. If they appear happy, you may witness a grotesque form of glee but it is always at the expense of someone or something else. And one more thing, they are ALWAYS against at least one person. Usually their spouse but it could be one child while the rest get better treatment. They must ALWAYS be against someone or something (ie government, belief system etc.)

Who's fault is it you will often be asked? Genetics! Possibly even at the chromonsonal level so it is completely out of our control but boy, do they ever try to blame us and include us in ANY of their guilt and responsibility.

Dr. James Fallon also has videos on Youtube. He has the brain and genes of a psychopathic killer (lizzie Borden and several other murders run through his blood/genetic make-up). He's not afraid to talk about these connections, after all, he is himself a psychopath and that's another feature that they have, they are ALWAYS PROUD of what they are!

We were never even given a chance to protect ourselves and I wish I'd been aborted.

1:45 AM  

"In other words, did my parent allow me "voice?" No adult child of a narcissistic parent can answer these questions in the affirmative."

Another "WOW" moment from this life-changing website. All day long I've been thinking about this and I can't believe this isn't one of the first questions that is asked of all people in any kind of therapy.

I was raised in a psychopathic family. All around LOTS of psychopaths. No real criminals, highly educated, ALL dead inside. I grew up CONSTANTLY defending myself, talking really fast, trying to be super happy and positive, trying so hard to look NORMAL. I now see how sick and evil this entire facade was and how it completely destroys those us of forced to pretend that these people are capable of any kind of love.

But at what point does anyone tell you what has happened to you and how evil these demons-in-human form are? It's usually after the therapists have raped us down and then IF they tell you that your family may POTENTIALLY be narcissistic (RARELY is psychopathy mentioned), they will imply that there are ways to "deal" with them and that you can have a relationship with them.

Well, guess what? You will be harmed. It can't be helped. Any interaction with a psychopath/narcissist is destructive to non-psychopaths. This is on every level but it is especially detrimental on the spiritual level. As I'm reading these other comments by these abused people I'm so sad and yet so grateful. It's because of beautiful, honest people that I know I'm not alone and I know that evil is real.

"Do I feel like I have a voice" is a great question to ask ourselves to check our position in ANY relationship.

11:50 PM  

"I Psychopath" is about internet predator, snake oil salesman, self proclaimed Narcissist SAM VAKNIN.

Watching that movie finished off any credibility he had with me. I recommend avoiding his websites, articles, books, etc.

12:59 AM  

Shocking and relevant for me. I not only never had a voice, I was often asked for my opinion on things and then told I was just stupid and didn't know anything. My N father played this game with me for years, always approaching it in a different way. I always believed the latest request was somehow different and this time he really wanted my thoughts.
Never turned out that way.
He always made certain to let me know I would never amount to anything.....
always making sure no one else in the family heard it being said.
I would rebel, freak out, act out.
Then paraded as the trouble maker in the family.
Moved to Florida in my early twenties to get away from this dysfunctional family.
I then became the pariah, very limited contact with the rest of the family, even when I placed phone calls Pop made sure they were cut short.
After my Mom passed I went for an unannounced visit to Pop's house for Christmas.
He looked up, told me I wasn't invited there and threw me out. Called my brother to come over with the hopes he would sort this out. He did show up, however, walked right past me without saying a word, and asked Pop if he was alright.
That was the 'DING-DING' moment for me...
Shortly afterwards I was diagnosed with Stage 4 testicular cancer.
Not even a get well card from my father. Nothing.
56 years old now, have lived with my partner of 32 years and DID amount to something despite Pop's prediction.
Pop passed away last October.
Recently discovered since my brother's marriage 16 years ago and subsequent birth of 2 children, gifts of 10K per person per year has been given to them from Pop.
My sister received as well, all quietly, without making me aware of any of it, despite open communication from me for years. Despite accepting many invitations for family vacations in Maine, Canada all on my dime....
The awkwardness from them was always sensed by me and my partner, however we could never put our finger on it. In hindsight coulda been a little quilt? Ya think?

My father's will completely excluded me, yes, I was disinherited.
His excuse was that we were estranged and he didn't approve of my lifestyle.
5 months of psychiatrist, medication, and counseling has helped but my meltdown continues.
The realization of the lies, deceit and just how much my father hated me is overwhelming.
Does anyone in the family care?
As my sister in law plainly stated to me last time we spoke on the phone when she told me my time to contest the will had already passed, she said Michael, you're gay, what do you expect.
Oh, by the way, she goes to church every week.
Real class act eh?
I am grateful I found this website and thanks to all who have posted, it's helped me.

11:58 AM  

Reading the comment from Michael reminds of yet another of the psychopaths telling features. How he said his dad would ask him a question and then call him names. This is another manipulation game played by psychopaths. I've seen it over and over. One guy would ask me a question then go on his cell phone and act like he was texting. I was aware of psychopathy at this point so I was able to just "watch" mentally. In the past I would have made sure he heard me by leaning in, talking loudly, trying to answer his question, but instead I just looked at him and didn't answer. In this case he didn't say anything and I just left but in other cases they will try to get you to respond again, so that they can AGAIN, dis you. My dad too did what Michael's father did, ask me questions, but then my dad would not reply or turn on the TV or say "Well, that's enough now!" like I'd been running on. For those of us raised to answer ALL questions asked of us (which I now consider to be a form of abuse, as it goes with the "do we feel like we have a voice" thing in that we should be able to CHOOSE not to answer) we have to re-train ourselves. One more thing here, sometimes they ask us questions to "milk" us for the right answers. They don't know right from wrong as they don't have a moral compass, so they often "use" us for this (the right reaction) but then abandon us as Michael's father did.

I've actually trained myself not to look people directly in the eye (sometimes this is all it takes for a psychopath to think that they have a "right" to you or that they "own" you. I KNOW IT'S CRAZY!) until I feel safe. I've trained myself not to respond to other people's clearing of the throat, humming, clapping for no reason, on and on. (Now, I didn't say that I no longer notice these things but that I don't respond to them when strangers do them. I am still very cognizant of my surroundings.) (An archived article on this website talks about how psychopaths will make odd sounds to get your attention. People, we didn't even stand a chance!) See, psychopaths always want attention and if they can get you to give it to them by these "clues" they think that they are controlling you with their minds. YES! I KNOW THIS SOUNDS NUTS BUT PSYCHOPATHS ARE NUTS!

Oh yeah, psychopaths always call others crazy and nuts. How their ex is insane. IT'S WHY WE NEED MRI'S CHECKING FOR PSYCHOPATHY SO WE CAN AT LEAST PROVE ONE CAN FEEL!

Most recently Christie Brinkley is going through the courts again with her ex, peter cook. He is a psychopath/narcisst who now claims that SHE is this way (a narcissist). Soooooooo, can you SEE why we need MRI testing for psychopathy? Jesus, I'm so tired! Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (I'm so grateful for this!)

5:17 PM  

Blessings & Spiritual peace to each of "us." The Nparent(s) knowledge was only validated for me & my youngest sister, along with a more & long-awakened sister..sat in a psychiatrist room when she flat out told us that we had full permission to have lives. She also diagnosed her and said "your mother will never,ever be happy, no matter what you do! Set yourselves free, with love, & live the time we have left. She is 82 & I am 58... about time the truth be told of our expiences- 6 children!
Keep hope & your faith alive and someday the guilt leaves with Grace & sometimes it's just hard work that gets easier and the "hidden perfumes" of a missed childhood becomes filled with joy of the simple, boundaries we choose and the right to "our passions,
without constantly orbiting her illness. I love this progress towards light as guilt melts ( in chucks for me) and earth time belongs more to me & those I truly love- other Awakened Souls & life is good each day. Thank you all for your insights. You have all helped me grow.

11:57 PM  

here are a few points to consider. you must realize you cannot change your mother or you parents for the matter, do not try.
only God can change people and if you pray for them He will effect a change. it did change my mother (it took places over decades), eventually overtime she softened and became a different person. at that point i had to change too, to forgive the old and accept and embrace the new. PRAY FOR YOUR MOTHERS, THEY ARE SAD CONFLICTED SOULS WHO NEED AND HELP FROM ABOVE. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE WITHOUT A DIVINE INTERVENTION.

5:50 AM  

I am so glad I found this website, I cannot believe that I have lived for 40 years and never realised that my mother is a narcissist, and my father an enabler. I am the oldest of four children and lived a life of abuse at the hands of my mother abusing me physically and emotionally. Always comparing me to my siblings and belittling every aspect of who I am. She has always been jealous of me and placed unrealistic expectations on me that make no sense.
Sabotaging my success and enjoying watching my sadness. When questioned about her abusive “jokes” or attacks she simply points the finger at me being “too sensitive”. If am successful or achieve anything she is quick to raise the bar, change the goal post or simply put my efforts down to luck or someone else’s error in seeing my value.
I finally had enough and decided not to contact her three, so she discarded me like trash for 3 years (to my relief) until she found out that I was pregnant and wanted back into my life. First phone calls, then giving me her e-mail address and insisting that I start writing her messages on a regular basis…..reminding me that she doesn’t give just anyone her e-mail address…..like it was a privilege that I have it. She goes on to say negative things about me to immediate and extended family.
I’m 40 now, with a new baby so I don’t care what extended family members think, I’m just glad that I’m away from the hell that I grew up in. The abuse was hell. Not being able to love myself, respect myself, listen to my instincts and be able to grow. Always being reminded how inadequate I was. The threats, hitting yelling, screaming, terrorizing, neglect, sly remarks, intimidations, mind f***king and bullying. Enough….
I wish you all the best of luck with trying to manage with such dysfunction, especially when it is something that is so difficult for those on the outside to see. I think my sister has the same condition, and I don’t know about my brothers as they seem to treat me as if I’m not worth anything…..probably emulating my mother.
Where is my Dad in all this??…complete La La land…..thinking my mother is so wonderful, and not being able to see what she is doing. I think my Grandmother on his side had mental health issues too.
Well my best advice is 1. No contact 2. No contact 3. No contact. I don’t think a narcissist can change, however I will take the advice of the post above which mentions prayer, as think it would take a divine intervention for my mother to apologise (since she is always right) or acknowledge what she has done/does (again because she would have to apologise).
I know she is giving significant amounts of money to my siblings, and will leave me with nothing in terms of money in a will, even though she says we all come from the same place. Such a torrent of bull***t, lies upon lies…….I have so so so had enough.
Even though I now have a better understanding of what happened, I still mourn the loss of the mother I never had, and my lost childhood steeped in abuse, and the anger that goes with how unfair the whole things is…….and of course that I’m targeted as the one that is to blame for it all.
Wishing you all deepest peace and the courage to go through your life knowing that it is NOT YOU, that you don’t deserve what’s happened, that you can’t control or change the people in your family but most of all that you are loveable, even if other family members are blind to the beautiful person you are.
Time & prayer have been my healer, and I hope everyone reading this who has suffered can believe in themselves and leave the abuse behind and learn to embrace and enjoy life. You are worth it. Enjoy life . x x x
Thanks for reading.

10:38 AM  

Hi. I am 21, female and recentely married, and I definitely believe that my father is a narcissist... I started noticing the strange behavior when I moved out when I got married to my husband (We have been married for about a year and half.) I noticed how much better my husband treated me, how much better his parent's treated me, and how more and more as time went on, my father seemed to be more egotisitcal and evil everyday... :/ Since then I have also noticed how much of a low self esteem I have developed over the years, my lack of motivation and belief I had in myself and my abilities to act like a normal human being... I started doing a lot of research and asked a professionals opinion and have come to the conclusion that he is a narcissist. Overtime I have also become bullemic. Since coming to that conclusion, I have taken my younger sister in (who is 19 years old) to live with me and my husband so that she would not have to live with my father anymore. She was incredibly depressed and was way behing in school. She did not even have her driver's license and had never had a job (which is how I was before I met my husband). Since living with us, my sister had a job & has caught up in school. We also helped her get her driver's license and bought her a car. She is absolutely flourishing! I am so proud of her. There have also been a few other things that have been incredibly heartbreaking about this sistuation. My sister and I are the only ones who are capable of seeing my father as the narcissist he is... My mother defends him to the point of insanity, my grandparents will not even acknowledge it. I believe because they do not wish to take responsibility for how he was raised, and my older brother, who is the "golden child" of the three of us siblings will defend him as well... I believe he may also be showing signs of narcissism and is still striving for my father's approval...

And to top all of this off... My father is a pastor. This may be the only thing that keeps me striving to get the rest of my family to see his problem. He has hurt so many people already. He gives false prophesies at his church and makes pretty much everything about him and how smart he can be. I don't even know where to begin to solve this problem...

6:17 PM  

Narcissist parents are self absorbed individuals without a care to the development of their children. Their needs and hobbies come first.

In my case a golden child and scape goat were chosen. They can not accept any opinions or judgement on their behavior or they completey deflect and retaliate against the person in a hurtful way.

There is nothing healthy regarding these individuals. The worst thing is that none of your relatives will believe the evil that these individuals are and you are truly an island living with the knowledge of the damage your family tries to inflict on you if you ever speak the truth that you are all living.
They can not stand the truth because they are in denial and living a lie.

God bless anyone in this situation.
It is crazy making but know it is not your fault.

12:38 AM  

All of this is new to me. I am in my 50's and my mother just recently died. Always wondered why I could never do anything right and why my sister could never do anything wrong. With both of them always pointing out my ignorance and faults, I just accepted that I could not do anything right. Over the years I have been in therapy for an eating disorder (always told I was over weight even when I weighted 80 lbs.) As a child, told I did not deserve to eat. Have also suffered panic and anxiety attacks.
A friend mentioned possibly you had a narrisstic mother.
Everything I have read like froze me to my chair.
Pray, yes I have said, many prayers over the years, always hoping to gain mother's approval. When she died recently, this is what made me sad, knowing I would never ever be able to gain her approval. Now, I wonder why this has always been so important anyways.
Something that frightens me a lot recently is my sister, the golden child, has changed since mother's death and now seems to be acting like mother. I now wonder, if I should stay away from her. All these years I considered family important even it was uncomfortable.

3:09 PM  

It has only been in the past week that I have discovered the term of narcissistiv mothering, and it was by accident. My father is dying of cancer and my mother is looking at everything through how it is affecting her. Not him. Her.

I turned to my husband and said, "She is such a narcissist; he's dying and it's still all about her." It was like a light bulb went on over my head.

I came home and Googled "narcissist" + "mother." Wow. Every problem I had endured with this woman throughout the last 45 years suddenly made sense. The put-downs, the snide remarks, the over-the-top favoritism of the youngest child... It wasn't me who was the problem; it was she who had the problem.

It's only a start, of course, but it also explains why I'm always looking to older women who are nice to me and silently thinking "Will you be my mother?" When I was small I always wondered why my friend's mothers and my aunts always liked me so much better than my own.

To this day, I've tolerated her mean comments with a little bit of a shocked feeling followed up with denial that she didn't mean it as it sounded.

No more. I've got the full picture. And we're done. Or at least I am. There's no need, no obligation for me to subject myself to abuse any longer. I will do my duty to my father, and then there will be a complete end to it.

I am free.

10:24 PM  

Please do Not abandon that boy!!! You think he's confused now!!! If Any way possible, get him to a "good psychologist "!!! Let him know how loved he is, Every time he's there, every day, if possible! And again, Please dont abandon him! Please get him to a good psychologist, even if it takes up all of his dads time with him! Better than the alternative, right? Good luck & bless that poor boy!

8:06 PM  

Im 19, still living with a narcissitic father and my parents are divorcing. I feel really disconnected with my family and I have an extremely difficult time opening my heart and trust to them. I’ll do anything to avoid family get togethers and when I’m at them I exclude myself because of extreme discomfort. My mom yelled at me last night because of my behavior. My biggest fear is that I end up like my dad. I went searching and found this:

“Another way that extreme narcissists are created is when a child receives a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. This can happen when the parents, as narcissists themselves, are emotionally disconnected from their child. It creates a dysfunction in the ability for the narcissist to connect emotionally to others. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he/she has a major attachment dysfunction and wound. This wounded person constructs one or more false fronts in order to survive and insulate themselves from people because of distrust and fear (Lopez De Victoria, 2008).”

This sounds like me! I’m terrified of being hurt and I trust no one! Because of it I don’t create close relationships with my family and friends and I’m friends with absolutely everyone so I can spread out my trust instead of putting it in one person. I know that I am a scapegoat and my brother is the golden child. I have done a lot on my own to work towards normality but I feel confused and scared. A lot of you seem to have been able to overcome your trials and come out on top. How did you do it?? I need help!!

12:20 PM  

Wow. A sigh of relief after reading all these comments from similar people with similar struggles. And a heavy, sad sigh too for the realism of what we've been dealt. I'm 38, and a few years ago when my dad was having some health issues, my sweet husband found a house for us all. I'm trying to do my best and keep in mind "honor thy mother and thy father" but the daily putdowns, even in front of my own children make it very hard to work. I have no other choice though, really. I really do have no other choice right now. So, I need to do the best that I can do in the situation I am in. So I kindly ask you, my brothers and sisters from a similarly narcissistic parent or two, do you have any books or other sites that have helped pull you through? I cannot afford counseling right now, but I can afford a few books over the next couple of months. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. i just need to make sure that my kids are not negatively affected, and that I can try to regain a shred of personal strength. And shutting off contact is just not an option right now, I wish it was, but it's not. Thanks all, and hugs to you for what you've had to go through.

9:04 PM  

I felt chills and tears at all of this.

12:41 AM  

I am glad I found this site. My heart goes out to all of you and I feel your pain. I am the youngest of 5 of a narcisstic mother and enabling father. Worse, in addition to my older sister, my twin brother was also the "golden child" and I was the scapegoat. The disparity between my treatment by them and their treatment of my twin and sister was glaring. I could go on and on, but I know you understand. I recently told my parents that I cannot take anymore and to just cut me out - any suggestions on how to stay strong?

8:25 PM  

I am 45 and grew up in what I thought was a normal family. I was wrong. Due to an event which could have resulted in my daughter being severely hurt, I decided that my family would not have any contact with any of my daughters until I could insure they would be safe. When the oldest realized she did not have to spend any more time with my mom & sister, she opened up about some of the things she endured. It was eye opening to say the least but this is when things started to get ugly.

My mom called my wife and started to negatively gossip about my brother and her friend of over 20 years. When my wife said she did not believe those things about either one and did not want to participate in the gossip, she was uninvited from Thanksgiving dinner but me and my daughters were still welcome. Suffice it to say my wife, daughters and myself had a nice quiet dinner to ourselves. This resulted in us being asked to stay away from my uncles house at Christmas due to the feud I was engaged in with my mother.

I recognize that I grew up with narcissistic parents and have many narcissistic tendencies myself. I also had to recognize that my sister was also one and to this day is still looking to get my moms approval. She has engaged in behaviors that are best described as stalking and for many years I ignored them. About 8 months ago, she pulled up in my driveway with her boyfriends pickup, proceeded to put a key in our doorknob, like she thought she had a key to the house, and tried to break in when she must have thought nobody was at home. My wife had not left yet and confronted this person but she did not recognize her as my sister as she had lost over 300lbs since the last time she had seen her.

I know my mom is behind this latest round of stalking as I have kept my children away from them for over 13 years. My dad passed away in January and did not get to see my 2 youngest girls and if I can help it they will not know their grandmother. I realized that age does not grant wisdom and the people that raised me were still the same people that were interacting my kids in much the same fashion as I was raised.

My wife has been a wonderful and beautiful person throughout this process. It is because of her that I was able to see my family as they were and why I can relay this message to others.

If you think you're alone, you're not. If you think your experience is unique, it isn't. If you think this is no hope, there really is.

Hang in there it gets easier and better with each passing year.

1:43 AM  

Be sure you are doing all of No Contact 101

http://www.luke173ministries.org/629759

7:57 AM  

Hi. I learned my father was a narcissist a few months ago when I read the definition of what that was. He has obviously been hurt as a child, which have caused him to be insecure and try to tell everybody he is the best at everything. He is supposed to be handsome and smart. Although he is smart, he knows he is not handsome. He made me repeat as a child that he was a handsome dad over and over. I find it difficult to deal with him because he is selfish, unable to give true love. He is insensitive due to his disease. Everything is about him and you can criticize him because he will immediately tell you children are never to do that to older people and their parents. He cannot be asked to regret what he did to me as he was unfaithful to my mother until now. It is always an I am right, everything I do is right and you shut up. He in his own selfish way loves me though. It hurts because his behavior does not stop. I have decided not to bring him home when he is too old to take care of himself. He would cause me too much suffering. I decided though not to abandon him when he needs me because I am a Christian and I don't believe in paying evil for evil. I see him as a sick person who is going to face the consequences of what he does either here on earth or in the afterlife or both. I pray for his soul and try to keep contact with him short. I don't criticize him because it reminds me of how insensitive he is to my feelings. Keeping a distance helps but if he gets thrown out of the house for his behavior I won't take him into my house. Maybe my siblings can deal with him because they are emotionally stronger and one of them even defends him saying I am not to demand anything from my dad. That is what I am going to do, but just hearing what he does to my mother hurts me even at a distance.

11:41 AM  

Reading your stories has been very eye opening. Three days ago I went drop my toddler off to gramdmas and she turned ballistic never have I seen such hatred I almost punched her. N saddest part I didn't do damn thing. Always kissing their ass doing everuthing asked of me. They treated me like garbage growing up said wished never had me, ill never amount tp anything will die of hunger. Anytime I tried defend myself or have a voice I got in trouble bc u never suppd talk back to ur parents. The emotional abuse was so bad I'd cry myself to sleep they would hear my anguish n broken heart n not care not console or talk make better. I turned to food to numb me and spent 7 yrs in abusive relationship. I'm now married to good guy n 3 beautiful kids but pain never goes away and I fear of ever hurting my babies. The relationship w parents was tolerable they seemed changed n good loving grandparents but it obviously didn't last. We are not speaking and I am done. This is just too much I'm not strong person n this last attack is destroying me. How can I hurt so bad for ppl who never loved me? God help me get thru this. Thx for sharing n I wish u all peace n love in your lives.

10:09 AM  

Isn't it funny how so many of us are anonymous. It is this shameful little secret that we do not want to burden anyone else with. I never knew that I could experience such emotional tormoil and pain. My mom does not love me. She is a narcissist. Out of frustration one day about three years ago I just went on the Internet and typed in something like how to deal with a horrible mother, and boom. Although I know technically how to deal with a horrible mother, emotionally I don't know how. I did over two years of counseling and learned a lot. About a year ago I stopped counseling because I just felt the need to apply everything that I learned on my own, to stand up on my own. Tonight, this weekend, all was horrible. I feel totally defeated. I cannot extract myself from her life because of my dad. He is a victim even more than I am. He is a Veteran from the Korean War and has pretty profound PTSD. My mother radared on him and used the man all her life. Now that his health does not allow him to do all the things he use to, she is nothing but demeaning to him. I cannot leave him. I live down the street from them. Unfortunately, even though I know in my heart my mother will never change and that she really never loved me at all, I think I still love her. So I cannot abandon her. I know I will never have her approval and I am fine with that. But now I just hate all the disapproval she vomits on me. And she is so demanding, and viscious, and demeaning, and monopolizing. My personal life is null. My professional life is so crippled. She not only does not appreciate all that I do on a daily basis, it is never enough and never good enough. Everything is my fault. And God help me if she ever really does get a serious life threathening incurable illness, it is going to be my fault because...it was my responsibility to prevent it from getting to that point, probably from getting it in the first place. I have huge personal responsibilities with my career and she can ruin an entire evening or an entire day or an entire weekend for me just from messing up my mind and putting me into a grand funk.

Thank you for letting me blog. I have not blogged before. As you all can read, I needed to vent badly and had no where else to go. You know, its all a secret, my mother has always cautioned me about airing dirty laundry in public. It is just not done as it is some sort of family betrayal.

11:52 PM  

It is amazing and supportive to read all these sad posts. It has taken me 47 years to realize that the biological person who provided shelter for me is, indeed, a narcissist. For everything I read about narcissism and the frustrations endured by their offspring, she gets an emphatic check! The 'why is it always about you?' question that I always wanted to ask her but didn't (most conversations turn to being about her), the lack of empathy and sliding away from any happy win/win resolution, her shallowness /lack of introspection and blameless demeanour, the back handed compliments spiralling down to victriolic remarks cutting the atmosphere like a violent knife attack, lack of 'voice' given to me/I have no identity, treating me like a 'bad' child, mean spiritedness, dividing the family against each other in order to conquer... I can go on, but generally the lack of LOVE... it blows my mind to think that she possesses all these cruel text book characteristics but only now have I come to fully understand the significance of this, it is powerful and depressing stuff. I have ended all contact with her and have no desire to engage with her, because years of experience has taught me that there will be no happy ending... so what is the point? The future? This has dictated my actions throughout my life but never could quite see the elephant in the room and, in my own quiet way, I would like to turn this around, raise awareness somehow to build a bridge of tolerance between the victims and the community (since this has such an isolating effect on the abused)... I now know that this is a common problem, but remains silent and taboo while shattering peoples lives. The very best of luck to all of you xx LOVE

3:28 AM  

npd survivor, my heart goes out to you. I was homeless by the age of twenty. My father decided one day that I was 'crazy' and he'd had enough and said, "Get a phonebook, go to shelters". Of course the shelters were mostly full, and it was 2008 in a small town so I applied and applied with no success.

Homelessness is terrifying. I think its so awful when a person is denied such a basic human right to a family member. It is evil, and criminal.

It may be helpful to look for work, if thats possible (depends on the economy and your skills and childcare) but moving away from her is a good idea. Bravo! For me, it helps me to remember the bad times, so I do not get sucked into the 'i love yous' which are blatant lies.

Also a really great website called emerging from broken talks a lot about childhood abuse and how to manage your demons. There is a lot of support there. It helped me a bunch.

I wish the best to you. I feel pretty low myself right now, but comfort myself with the fact that there are people who have overcome this. They exist.

Best wishes to you and your children.

7:22 PM  

I am wondering if anyone has family that is angry at you because you can not deal with your narcissist parent. They do not understand what you have been through and do not understand the anxiety attacks that she brings on by being in your present. Your counsel states that you should have no contact because it is destructive to you but your family feels that you should just suck it up and move on. Can anyone suggest what to do to for yourself and peace in the family.

8:40 PM  

My heart and empathy go out to all of you because I am an 'orphan' too. It's very hard. My solution to the horror and debasement of dealing with my narcisstic mother? No contact. Best move ever. Whole family went with her. Touch base with them, they bring her back. A good insight a friend gave me recently is, 'they want you back because that way, they don't have to outrun her. They only have to outrun YOU!!!! Cause I was the scapegoat.So true!!!! Is it hard? Yes, so many scars which are irreparable, I am now thinking. So many losses. Water under the bridge. Alot of aloneness. But no OCD anymore. Alot of laughter everyday. My circle of friends is small, she cost me all of the others. Plus my reputation as well. For the young mother with three children and no source of income-it's time to make a plan even if you only are able to implement it and build a life for yourself only in your mind. Soon, that faith will materialize in unexpected opportunities. Keep your business to yourself, don't buy into any fighting whatsoever, and use your feet to handle conflict. Walk out and stay out, for a few hours. Let her look in the mirror and see her contorted face as she talks to herself. Show her love by kind and considerate gestures, done as you would for a client in a home health aide situation. Don't respond to her lack of gratitude. Keep a balanced temperament and insist on her giving you respect. See above about your feet if she shows disrespect.You get the idea. Keep the peace, keep your own peace, and 'don't let the devil steal your joy!' If she's a liar, feed her some lies and get a laugh out of it. Wait till you see her cringe when she realizes what a fool she feels like after she realizes you've been fibbing. Yet, you won't be fighting with her so she'll let you get away with it. Take as good care as you can of yourself. Let yourself grow more beautiful, more knowledgeable and happier right there at home. If all these fail you, it'll be time to leave. Best I can tell you. As for family being angry with me, isolating me, it is a terrible loss for me. Certainly it works against me everyday. Now, I'm going to volunteer with those in need with no expectation of social life or a return. It's something, anyway. Come to think of it, they weren't much of a social asset. People don't like a number of them, so they don't connect me to others, and there was too much fighting. Come to think of it, they did me a favor. Grateful for this site and others.

9:37 PM  

I am in my mid 50's and even though I don't live with my father, I continue to be abused by him. I grew up being physically and emotionally abused and it still continues to this day. I am nearly a senior citizen! I shouldn't have to be terrified by my father! There is no support group out there for adults still being abused by their parents. There is elder abuse, child abuse, parental abuse, adult child abuse survivor...but nothing for adult children still being abused. Why do they think that just because you reach adulthood the abuse stops?
My dad has been diagnosed with a narcissistic personality along with paranoid delusions. Not only does he believe he is ALWAYS right, but his delusions are that of which he thinks people are saying negative things about him behind his back, which makes him very angry and physically violent. He doesn't believe anything anyone says. If anyone knows of any kind of adult abuse support, please let me know.

10:54 PM  

There are FACEBOOK groups for ACONs. Adult Children of Narcissists.

11:44 PM  

We are all connected in mind.

1:19 PM  

I have lived with my mother for 4 years now. My son is grown. I lost the father of my two children and my 5 year old son in car wreck back in 2003. I got in a bind 4 years ago and had to move in with my abusive mother. She has always used words against me to abuse me and she also in the past was ugly to my boys, when they were little. A couple of years ago she was yealing at me and keept saying I will knock the s$^& out of you. I got sick of hearing her saying that, so one day a couple of years ago I told her go ahead. And she did. Was truly embarrasiing, because my teenage son witnessed it, as so did his young friends, that were over visiting him. My son is off in college now. He does not really want to come home anymore and stay and visit on the weekends. Five months ago my mother was getting onto me and calling me a F&%^$#! Lier. I had been taklking to my sister on the phone and she asked me what I talked to her about. I told her and she said you are lieing. She was in the kitchen with the light off. I walked into the room next to kitchen, I could not see my mother. I told her....mom you can call sarah and ask her what I said. The next thing I know I felt something slam into my forehead. It hit me so hard, just above my eye, it knoocked me backwards and I fell to the ground. I was bleeding everywhere. I told her to call 911 I am bleeding a lot. She said I can't afford an ambulance. I will take you. She walked and picked up the saucer that had hit my head and put it in the sink. She said see what you mad me do. She said you have to quit talking to me like that. I am still living with her and I am scared of her. But I don't make enough money to get a place of my own. I know what you are going through. And I too am and keep praying. I am soo sorry that your young boys are there going through this with you. I will pry for y'all also.

1:54 AM  

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty and comments, everyone. I just recently discovered my step mom is a narcissist, and my dad has been enabling her for 34 years. I could never understand why no one, especially my dad, could see her true colors. The emotional and verbal abuse are constant and my dad refuses to see it. He actually thinks she loves me and I'm the one with a problem because I refuse to have a close relationship with her and my loyalty is to my mom. After reading more about narcissism and reading these comments, I feel like a weight is lifted. Now I understand that I'm not imagining that she is a maniac, and that my dad is still throwing me under the bus to keep her happy so his life is easier. I deserved and still deserve better. I appreciate the No Contact advice. We have a family Christmas (dramapalooza) coming up that makes me feel stressed just thinking about. Now I know my gut instinct is right, and I will not be attending. In that family, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, so I might as well try to find my own happiness. Thanks again for your honesty, everyone. I feel like I'm waking up from a 34 year old nightmare.

10:38 AM  

I am 62 years old, my mother dies eight years ago and my life began and the person I am will always be partially broken. my dad loved me and tried to protect me-but-he got his share too. I mourned for a mom forever and her funeral was just a symbolic closure. biggest regret-I am not sure what real love is-I have a great hubby and friends-but-I still occ tear up when I see daughter and moms out and about...

2:34 AM  

I am so happy to have found this site. Everything that is listed for narcissistic parents describes all the abusive ways that my mom treated me. She was emotionally abusive and just a very hateful person. She was also neglectful. She rarely cooked or bathed me. I grew up on frozen dinners, leftovers, and whatever I could pack for lunch. I was on my own for breakfast. I was left alone every day after school to suffer physical and sometimes sexual abuse by my older and much stronger brother. When I would call my mom at work, she would yell at me to not bother her at work anymore. For years I was severely hit on a daily basis and no one cared. I also had to endure the verbal rages from my mom. It wasn't just a little yelling. She would yell until the corners of her mouth got foam in them. Spilled juice on the carpet in my room resulted in having to stay up to watch my mom scrub it while listening to her yell at me the whole time to tell me what a horrible, ungrateful, worthless human being I was. She would even sometimes send nasty notes to my teachers if she didn't like the homework assignments (sometimes I had to deliver them myself), and the teachers would get so mad at me! None of them thought to themselves, "If her mom would be this nasty to me, imagine what this girl must endure at home." When my brother would spit his boogers into my hair, they would still be there the next day when I went to school, and I would have to make up something about what was in my hair. No one ever stopped to notice why I was so bruised or dirty all the time. The bruises were from my brother, but my mom never hesitated to slap me across the face or threaten me with her fist shaking under my chin. I still remember the look of pure rage on her face and the feel of her rings pressing into my chin.

I was lucky to be able to go away to college at 17, and then other than two summers in college, I never lived with her again. I now am now 42 and happily married with two young children. When I think of all the cruel things that were done to me, it bothers me more now because I think of how awful it would be to do that to my own children. Fortunately, I have been removed from my mother’s abuse for so long that I am able to give and receive bucketfuls of love to my husband and children. Time, love, and giving to others helps us heal.

It's really helpful to know that I'm not alone and that others out there know what it's like to have been abused by the one person who is supposed to love you the most.

Thank you so much for reading this.

11:00 PM  

Hi, I am 40yrs old, second daughter. My mother has always treated my younger brother as special. Dad was my support and in Dad's presence, mom was distant from me but ok. When he died, it all broke, my brother became the clear epicenter,is very spoilt and can do no wrong despite having a violent temper and a deprecating attitude to put it mildly with his sisters. My sister no longer has any contact with him. My mom supports him on that. I have basically kept out of the drama but helped out with her health, his education(he called it my repayment to my dad that I owe)and mom humors this and adores him. We are independent adults now. Lately she needs more caretaking and my brother will not share info, will not allow me to visit or help and becomes volatile if I ask about her doc, caretaker or health details. Mom agrees with him and refuses details-yet she still wants me to call and listen to her health complaints. I dont think I have a narcissistic mom compared to the painful stories I have read on this site but I am very upset to be isolated like this as my brother becomes more independent. I dont understand my relationship with mom and what she wants from me-why does she keep me hanging on if she will refuse at the end anyway to provide info after worrying me. Maybe she just wants to keep us sisters at a distance and have her son do all for her but she has always wanted to have her children fuss around her, ask after her and be there for her-she is often mentioned that. I feel manipulated though when she does that because she enjoys refusing info but needs to call and complain. I guess I should just respect it and take it calmly. Or maybe I am wrong to judge her this way and I would do the same as I age?

2:08 PM  

I am 59 years old and my mother is 83. A good part of my life has gone and I am still suffering an unexplained level of anxiety. I have a wonderful husband and family. I try to practice mindfulness and self-compassion. My feeling of void and rootlessness stems from the lack of affection from my mother. Thanks to Internet, I learned that my mother is a narcissist, the ignoring type. I am the black sheep, the working bee in the family, although I am the only girl (I have three brothers whom she favors.) Going back to as far as I remember, she has not shown any warmth and affection to me. She has sewn my a dress. That what I remember. I was the one responsible for the house chores. When I was 8 or 9 and came down with fever, I had to walk to the doctor's office by myself and got a shot and walked home. When I told her that I was grabbed and inappropriate touched by someone she knew, she acted as if she didn't hear anything. Worthlessness is not a concept a child could comprehend. During my teen years, I contemplated if suicide would get her attention and wondered if she would show any surprise. May be she would have been feeling indifferent.

My mother is jealous of my good fortune of having a loving husband, a stable home. It is as if I don't deserve. How sick it is that a mom is envious of her daughter's marriage. On the other hand, she saw herself as a victim of her own marriage because my dad didn't live up to her expectation. She punished my dad to the day he died of a heart attack. She shed no tear or emotion during his funeral or after. A narcissist can only think for her own benefits. After her stroke five years ago, I am the one to take her out once or twice a week. Once again, I fell into this slave/worker role. I don't talk to her when I drive her to the doctors or do the errands. I have to steel before leaving the house to pick her up. She can suck every ounce of my emotional energy out of me. I feel like a puppet. I desperately want to heal myself so I can feel free from sadness and anger towards my family of origin the remaining part of my life. Thank you for this blog and the book : Will I Ever be Good Enough.
At last, I can identify the issue and get some healing.

1:25 PM  

I am the middle daughter of three girls to narcissistic parents. My father died two years ago but hadn't even bothered to contact us since were were around 13 years old after telling us he had a new family and had to choose between us and his new family and was choosing his new family. We contacted him throughout the years with nothing but misery. We visited him on his dying bed but he had no words of anything for us. The hospital sent us his ashes in the mail. We chose where to put them - no message from him about that, he didn't want a funeral. He'd lived in Canada for 20 years, that's where his life was and his girlfriend who was there in the hospital assured us there would we a wake in Canada. We had nothing, just some ashes and no words between three little girls hurt hearts now 48, 50 and 51 years old.
My mother has shown nothing but love through guilt, she could have left us on the street when he left but she didn't, we're told again and again. I have been told to shut up all my life, that my voice isn't valid.
This is a snapshot of the narcissist behavior of my parents. I don't see her now but not quick enough for her to have done some damage to my son who she picked on and didn't approve of. I stopped the contact when he was 11 to save both my children from psychological abuse. My son and daughter are now 25 and 27 respectively are very happy well adjusted, confident adults who have been treated with the utmost respect for their individuality and the beautiful people they are.

8:47 AM  

That is my life :-( I'm 33 and had no idea what was going on until last week. Now everything seems so clear and i don' t like the emerging picture at all. I have tried to confront my parentes numerous times and we just keep om returning to the old pattern. At least nød i understand why.

5:59 AM  

I have begun the search for answers while scanning webs sites about disconnected families and alcoholism, when I came across this site which may explain my mother.
I became more aware of my father's alcoholism as an adult; however I believe his drinking may have been a response to a domineering wife(who has charactertics described in these posts).
As a highlysensitive child I was repeatly criticised and never praised for any achievement(and so was my Dad). From a young age I felt alone in the world. My only solace was that I spent a lot of time exploring nature.
I'm in my fifties with a young teenager, whom I've raised to be kind and empathic.
But I was the one in the family to draw attention to my father's depression and alcoholic use in order to help him. Being the black sheep of the family this further deepen the rift. And to this day there is denial by my mother and more disrespect towards me.
Fortunately we all were able to support him on his death bed; however my father gave me nothing in return.
My relationships with my sisters have become more and more strained. My mother always makes excuses for them when they don't make the effort to stop by on there travels through my town.
So basically we see each other at Christmas, and it feels like we are strangers. It hurts me when she can't emphasize with me.
She has always dismissed my voice And continues be be controlling and critical of EVERYTHING I do.

4:54 PM  


Well, I am so glad that Mother's Day is nearly over. I've had to endure my FB 'friends' crowing about how great their moms are/were, yet I remained silent, save for wishing my two grandmothers (both of whom died prior to my birth) Happy Mother's Day, which I am sure was puzzling to my FB friends.

It is so hard coming out about this, most especially on Mother's Day, because of fear that others will judge you about your 'ingratitude', or about your own possibly fragile mental state, just because you had the temerity to not only be born to, but to survive, and then finally escape a crazy, crazy-making mother. I initially attempted Low contact, but I've been full blown 'No contact' for three years since her last Narcissistic rage on me over the phone. The minute I hung up on her as she screeched in my ear like a banshee over some triviality, I got very still, very quiet and heard my inner voice say "This is how it will be for the rest of your lives if you allow it".
And that was it! it wasn't a hard decision to make at that point. It was a such a stark revelation of truth that resonated so deeply, I am positive that I've made the right move with no contact.

I haven't looked back since, though she attempts to contact me via third parties and other relatives via guilt trips and sob stories. I put an end to that with a threat to file a restraining order if she refuses to respect my freedom from her and 'the crazy'. So far, she has left me alone, and I do not regret my decision (only that I did not do it sooner!), but I am sad that I had to cut off a beloved relative (her brother, who worships her as a mother figure due to the untimely death of their mother) because he chose to be her 'flying monkey'. That saddens me more than anything, plus the knowledge that most people in our family and extended will just assume that I am an awful child because I had to cut off complete contact with her to preserve my sanity and my physical safety (she not only beat me regularly as a child, but the last time she put her hands on me was when I was 28!!!). No matter, my sanity and peace of mind outweigh their judgements.

It's nice to come here and not be put on the defensive about why I am estranged from a very toxic woman who just so happens to be my mother.

On a lighter note, It's OVER! So Happy Mommie Dearest day to all adult children of NPD mothers.

I think that one person on my FB feed is an adult child of an NPD mom, because this individual posted a photo of Joan Crawford and wished everyone "Happy Mommie Dearest Day". LOL. That gave me a good laugh on this painful day! Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying. Or strangling the next person who whines, "But she's your moooooother!"

. Thank you for this site! And to all of the commenters, too.

12:30 AM  

P.s.-

I am the 'Mother's day' poster. I forgot to add that rather than being depressed and feeling alienated watching everyone worshipping their mothers today on Mother's Day May 10, 2014, I *choose* to be happy about finally finding the strength to cut her out of my life. Once and for all.

Even if she does keep telling people that "we're just going thru a rough patch", all that matters is that I now know the truth and it has finally sunken in: She will never change but the worm has turned, and i will make myself crazy if I can not accept that.

peace. May the others find the same strength!

1:09 AM  

Oh my, I hope I am not out of line here but I just realized by reading the posts here that my ex husband's mother was one of these horrible parents. When we were married I never understood why he was so so sensitive and thought I was being mean to him when I didn't see that that was really how how he felt and that was really what was behind his panic attacks and also his drug use to numb his pain and eventually cutting himself off from me. My general outspokenness (not cruelity) must have sounded so much like his mother in his head. It makes me so sad that I didn't know how I need to help. At least to have tried more. It has really helped me to read these posts. I applaud you all for your strength and courage to break ties with those have beat down and controlled you so very much. May you always stay strong with the help of the Lord.

7:56 PM  

I found a book that helps. It's called Disarming the Narcissist, Second edition by Wendy Behary. It's helpful with some tactics to deal with the narcissist if you want to try to make them change. They acknowledge it's very difficult, but there are good tactics and things to think about to help you not get your buttons pushed.

12:58 PM  

I'm in tears reading these comments.. I don't want to hit my forties, sixties, seventies still being in tears whenever my mother is around. I also desperately don't want to be like her when I'm a mother.. At 25 those years may be just around the corner. I try to guard myself and my heart and from adopting the traits my mother displays to me. Please help. Every conversation with her turns into an argument or her insulting me about my hair, weight, clothes. I am desperately trying not to become the critical person that she is, as much as I love her and admire other qualities about her. Her criticisms hurt the most. Ironically enough, my dad is experiencing something similar with his mom (my grandma) that led to them no longer speaking. I don't want to ever NOT have a relationship with my mother, but her attitude towards me gets exhausting. I've been suicidal & self-mutilating in my teens because of girls who bullied me & spread rumors in high school; I lived through the years of that only by God's grace & love but at 25 it doesn't help that my mother is now the "bully". Everytime I try to tell her how her comments and words hurt me, SHE gets angry and starts shouting & screaming at me. You can almost see the steam coming out her ears, like in those cartoons. I work at the company that my mom is CEO of, for a summer job and (which extended into me working there after I finished college, because the company wanted me to stay to fill a position). At work she criticizes me and says "I'm not your mother here I'm your boss" but funny enough her words to me at home don't differ much when she's "mother". I've prayed for months on end for a new job and I'm currently in the transition out of this job (thank god) into a new one in an industry I love; advertising. My mom recently made a statement about my hair and I ended up changing hairstyles just so she'd stop taunting me, and today, in my last week before y new job, she's going off about my NEW hairstyle; she said "finally" when I first did it n now she hates it. I am tired & frustrated. I'm an only child, and a young girl who just wants a relationship with her mother (I grew up with my mom alone), but she makes it very painful to be around her. I tell her of my successes, she forgets. I tell her about things going on in my life, she either forgets or says I'm being too sensitive. She doesn't even remember the name of the company I got the new job with 3 wks ago. I'm afraid she'll never get it or change. I don't know what to do next because I don't want to go down the road of totally removing her from my life.

5:35 PM  

Talisa Garbo: Walk away and don't look back. If it's too hard to go totally No Contact forever, then do it for 6 months, to see how you feel. I'm an only child of a NM and they NEVER change. No amount of talking, pleading, or trying to get her to understand will make her understand or care. She is incapable. It's especially damaging that you work for her. It's hard, because of your dad, but it's something you must do to protect your own sanity and live a normal life. I am 52 and went NC two months ago, after my dad died. My courage was divinely inspired, but I have never felt freer and better about myself. You still have a long life to live and can nip the cycle now, if you find the courage and support (through blogs, support groups, journaling, God, a good therapist). Don't let her hold this power over you any more. You are an adult; take your power and self love back. Trust me, NOTHING will ever change unless you do. You can do it. Peace. Carol

12:38 PM  

Reading these posts are filling me with sadness. My parents are what I think to be narcissists and Im the black sheep of the family , my older sister is the special child. Although you could say Ive been reasonably successful in my adult life ( I own my own business) my parents have never ever helped me , everything I do is down to luck according to them, they have no idea how hard I work. They seem to be jealous of everything I do, If I go on holiday they won't even ask me where I have been anything i achieve is undermined with comments like you always land on your feet. I was desperate to learn an instrument as a child , my father is sporty so he hated that and never once came to a concert. I saved up for months with a paper round to pay for lessons and put myself through exams . I play semi professionally now but they never come to my performances.They have no interest what so ever. I used to confide in my mother all the time but she would use everything I told her against me and always take side of strangers over me. Ive tried so hard to gain their approval over the years Ive paid for holidays brought them a dog which my mother actually idolises. (She treats the dog better than she ever has me). Her most famous put downs are. Your over sensitive, your always trying to cause trouble, you can be too good to children. I would never say a thing like that you wicked thing. I could go on for ever.
My sister on the other had can do no wrong and as she never married my parents treat her like a 14 year old she is 55. I haven't seen my father and sister since christmas and they don't even care and for some reason my mother is constantly coming to my house like some kind of go between . Last week my father walked past my business with the dog I brought them who I love and she tried to come in to see me. He yanked her back so hard she yelped and carried on walking . I was upset by that when I told my mum she said I was a trouble causer and should make an effort for fathers day even though I know he hates me. Every celebration for ever one else has to be made a big thing of birthdays , etc . I never even receive a card. Their response is you dont need anything. My father is the meanest man ever and is only interested in himself and playing golf.Everyone he meets thinks he is wonderful and of course my mother is a pillar of the local church. I could rant on about this for ever please dont think Im being over sensitive but I think about this every morning when I wake up. I want to stop contact but my mother wont leave me alone.

7:46 PM  

I'm stuck with a narcissistic "father" and to make it worse he drinks everyday. ive been in physical altercations with him more than once due to kickin his imaginary pedestal out from under him. hes 70. i remember being about 7 or 8 years old when i started longin for him to pass on. im still waiting today and seems the day will never come. just yesterday he reminded me that he "doesn't care what i feel". and i refuse to deal with this pos any longer. i cant wait for the day he is gone. people like him shouldnt exist. i cant wait to see what life is like without him

7:06 PM  

I am 48 years old and have finally decided to go no contact with my mother. I urge everyone to do the same.

For years I was low contact with my mother after my father died, for many reasons--including the fact that my sister would have to deal with her alone. But my sister is so wrapped up in my mother's world and is narcissistic herself--so it became clear to me, that this is exactly what my sister wants and needs. She and many others--don't quite get what the problem is. They don't see the abuse and the trauma and really don't care about how it has affected me--they see it as MY problem. They think I am too sensitive. Sound familiar? Narcissists stick together, justify each other.

And they simply do not "get" what we are talking about---because they are abusers themselves.

I discovered with some horror--that most of the people who "liked" my parents and sister--to whatever extent--are narcissists and abusers themselves.

Otherwise, they would be horrified at the things that were going on, the things they saw and heard about. And they would have some kind of sympathy for the victims--instead of blaming them for not being able to "take the abuse" in the name of honouring the parents! How sick is that?

Both my mother were narcissists--my father the angry, violent raving one and my mother the kind who hid her malice, poison and jealousy of her own daughter behind a fake-kindly face.

For years I was on low contact with her--but she pushed and pushed against any and every boundary I set. I begged her to stop and respect my boundaries---for my sake and for my relationship with my husband. Any such request or demand resulted in her going out of her way to see him, talk to him (playing the victim, get him to do things for her.) Every single time, without exception, when i would beg her to consider him and my relationship with him, (he couldn't take it anymore) she would up the ante.

So basically for her-- low contact with boundaries, was a challenge, a war. She needed to show me in every way, that my life, marriage, needs, desires and the boundaries I set to protect them, to minimise the trauma and pain she needs to inflict--are meaningless to her.

The life purpose of a narcissist is to inflict pain and humiliation, so that they may feel empowered. It's your life, or hers. If you choose to stay--you are showing them that you chosen to let yourself be destroyed for their fun and sick needs.

These are hard won conclusions. I know that many already know these things. But it took me a lifetime to understand that they are sadists and they will never ever stop, because your destruction is the "blood" they need to stay alive. At least for the narcissists that want you around.

So again--go no contact as so many have already said. Narcissist parents or siblings or relatives are not your responsibility. Pay no attention to what anyone else thinks about it. Call social services or a charity if they need help, if no one else will provide for them, and if you feel like doing something humanitarian for people who only wish to destroy you.

6:45 AM  

Thank you all so much for your comments. I don't have much to add except to say I find so much of my situation in your posts. I am learning about my own situation, and it is pretty darn clear to me what it is. But it is still painful to admit it, the past, the lack of love and the hopelessness of ever having it get better. But i see i have options, and you give me stength to not go back to denial or depression and instead find solutions. thank you.

7:29 PM  

Hello, I wanted to reply to you because I don't know how anyone else could ever understand when they haven't been through the same psychological abuse as we have. It effects every aspect of your life and is really hard to undo the damage that has already been deeply entrenched. Especially when others who haven't been through the same kind of trauma can't see exactly what it is that your parents have done that is so upsetting to you as a child that deserves to be validated, loved and nurtured in a way that we will never know! I would very much like to talk to you in more depth as it feels unbearable at times to come to terms with life's missed opportunities that we very much deserve. Lots of love and healing. Nicola x

7:00 PM  

I don't think Narcissists are fully human. Jesus gave us the parable of the Wheat (humans) and the Tares (seed of the wicked one). I believe Narcissists are Tares. They are a serpent seed or "brood of vipers" as Jesus referred to the Pharisees and Sadducees. Todays 501cs seminary trained "pastors" are exactly the same type of people who nailed Him to a cross. They are of their father the devil (Jn 8:44). I come from a family of narcissists with Jezebel (malignant narc) Mother and a castrated enabling father (Ahab) who refuses to stand up to her and instead drinks and takes pills and complains of "depression" as if its some outside force that has nothing to do with her control freak antics. She talks to him like dirt and he in turn would take it out on me, the oldest and a daughter, and the designated family scapegoat. I have one younger brother who is Jezebels Chosen One (the golden child) who seemed to be a sweet normal little boy up until about the late teens and now at age 42, she has completely converted him into a full blown narcissist. She is fat, weighs about 300 lbs., has type 2 diabetes with gangrene beginning to take over her feet, has always drank copious amounts of sodas and hid sweets to eat in private, while eating like a dainty little southern belle when anyones watching, pretending to be the sacrificing Martyr and Saint, while talking to my Dad like he is some kind of garbage when no outsiders are around, and always ignoring me while focusing on some 2 dimensional cardboard cutout of "me" that does not exist. I am never truly heard and constantly ignored, especially when it comes to emotional or psychological needs for validation and acceptance. Not knowing what was wrong with my pretend "family" growing up, I simply rebelled against God, since Mommy Jezebel claimed to be a "Christian" I thought if that's what Christian is I want no part of that God so I got pregnant at age 17, drank and bar hopped, got 2 duis and many other stupid things, while these EVIL NARCS used all that to cause others to focus on their scapegoat saying "look, see, she is such a failure, I told you so" in order to keep the focus OFF THEIR SICK DYSFUNCTION. I played right into their hands! Half my life was stolen from me.These people are not human, they are reprobate (unrepentant) and Hell is truly an adequate punishment for the tares who Jesus said would be bundled together and burned at the harvest. These creatures are the reason the world is in such turmoil. Tares are TOXIC.

10:42 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home