Sanctuary for the Abused

Saturday, August 09, 2014

Should You Confront a Narcissist about His Narcissism?


by Beth McHugh

This is a question I am often asked by clients who are dealing with a narcissist in their lives. The answer is: it depends.

As a psychologist, I cannot tell a client what to do, they have to come to a decision about what to do about problems in their lives on their own and be comfortable with those decisions. But what I can do is point out the pros and cons of telling a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and what effects that revelation can have on the client.

Narcissistic personality disorder is an unusual condition on that it operates via its own set of rules. You can tell a person suffering from alcoholism that they have a problem with alcohol and they have one of two choices. Either to deny their alcoholism or face it and change.

It is similar with many other forms of mental illness. While denial can be an integral part of many illnesses, the person suffering from one of the anxiety disorders is aware that they are ill. Similarly, depression and bipolar disorder can be ignored up to a point, but once the symptoms become clinically disabling there can be no self-denial, even if outwardly the person is denying the truth.

This is not the case with NPD. The whole crux of the condition is built on the premise that, for the narcissist, other people do not really exist except to serve the narcissist and prop up their false image of themselves. Not having individuated as people, narcissists believe the world revolves around them and is intensely interested in them. In believing this they are especially harmful people, and cause untold damage to their children in particular.

Once an adult child has discovered that the eccentric and toxic behaviors of their parent is due to NPD, there can be an overwhelming urge to confront the parent who has caused them so much pain with the fact that there is something psychologically wrong with them.

When my clients arrive at this stage in their recovery, we discuss how viable this option is. It really depends on the reason why you as an adult child of a narcissistic parent want to tell your parent. If it is in the hope that, upon reading about the condition, they will recognize themselves in the description and be filled with remorse for the pain they have caused, then beware.

The narcissist's sense of self, which has not progressed past that of a very young child, they cannot deal with the reality of a mirror being held up before them. Unlike the alcoholic who may in due course "see the light", a narcissist simply does not have the emotional skills to step outside of themselves and glimpse the truth in the mirror. The essence of NPD is that the sufferer lives in a bubble that can only accommodate themselves. Self-reflection is definitely not in the narcissist's bag of skills and expecting them to be capable of doing so can court disaster.

Be prepared for rage and aggression to be aimed at you. Be prepared to not be heard.. Be prepared to have everything that you claim about them, to be reassigned to you. When and if you are strong enough to cope with this treatment, then you may decide to go ahead.

If you are hoping for recognition and a change for the better, more pain is in store.

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shared by Barbara at 12:06 AM


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40 Comments:

From personal experience, I would say, there's nothing to be gained by confronting the N about anything he has done wrong, let alone that he's narcissistic. It's weird, but when I would confront my husband about something, and it was big, he would almost dissociate on me. At first I made the mistake of thinking his fugue-like gaze meant he was listening, but then I could literally see it SNAP!, and he'd go off on what was wrong with me. Projection is the key--if you say something bad about them, it immediately reverts to must be something wrong with you.

Also, their thinking is incredibly illogical, to the point of absurdity. I wrote about this, and gaslighting over at theotherbed.

12:06 AM  

I openly tell him he is a narcissist and has a limited conscience. I don't even care anymore. It is my way of venting. I have said "you are not normal". I believe I got with him because I was severely abused, and after I healed I saw what he was.

He doesn't beat me so I probably get away with more then some women could. [did have slaps etc, before he went into counseling and destroyed stuff]
He is getting more obessed as he ages with an audience, and actually believe everyone adores him and he is "a star". Even just from a spiritual standpoint it freaks me out. The other bed I will check out your website.

1:43 PM  

I confronted my surviving NPD parent about the emotional and psychological abuse that she laid on me...and frankly, she started gaslighting. There is actually no way to get through to these people that they have done something wrong. It isn't in their capacity. All it did was leave me further invalidated and enraged.

I've resigned myself to the feeling that the only true freedom I will ever have from her is when she finally dies of old age. Until then, I will have to completely remove myself and my family from her reach.

6:34 PM  

Why wait for her to die? Go NO CONTACT immediately - and save your sanity & your family!

11:10 PM  

Just confronted the N in our life. It only elevates their sense of importance and puts them back in control. They will NOT hear a word you say. The N will not appreciate your desire to have peace because they are not capable of empathy, nor recognize any fault. N only managed to say "i'm not jealous but" (envy is a major part of the condition) and then proceed with the but. Turns out that she wasn't happy because our lives were not focused on her and her need to be included in everything. Interpretation, "your healthy boundaries cut off my supply". They do not recognize that your lives are not an extension of theirs. When you set healthy boundaries the N will try to insert self in every manipulative way possible. Forget about confronting them and focus on being the true you. It's the only peace you can get when dealing with the N in your life. There are only two other choices. YOU choose to stroke their ego in order to control THEM and recognize that it is a true mental illness. Or... move.

10:47 PM  

Found a great website titled "The Power of Undeserved Loyalty
Our Psychopath Mother Exhibits the Following Behaviors on a Regular Basis: Narcissistic, Munchausen’s and Munchausen’s By-Proxy"

There's a US state that has the highest number of serial killers, the highest number of Munchausen's by-proxy and the second highest suicide rate. Did it ever occur to anyone that this would be a great place to start doing mri's checking for psychopathy?

9:07 PM  

It is really interesting to read your information, how do people manage the no contact option? i have 2 brothers and 2 sisters in a family where our mother is clearly a covert narcissist. my brothers stay out of everything which is great but both my sisters become involved in triangulation with my mother with me often as the topic of conversation. i love my sisters dearly but there seems no way to stop contact with my mum without also avoiding them. i live the opposite end of the country to my mother but still find it hard to break contact. please help.

4:08 AM  

No Contact is absolute, final and NO excuses or loopholes.

If your siblings, friends or other family are involved with your NParent - unfortunately you MUST No Contact them as well or the abuse will continue.

10:00 AM  

Thank you for your reply Barbara, thats what i thought but it seems so sad. I think it is going to be the only option too, will involve all family including grandparents, because my grandmother is just an older version of my mother but although she doesnt direct any obvious venom towards me she often uses the grandchildren to get at my mum, all becomes so sly and easy to get sucked into without realising. my youngest sister has just found out she is pregnant and now spends everyday at my mums - perhaps it has made her question what she wants from her. my sister has gone from phoning me twice a dat to hardly ever (siblings tend to avoid each other in my mums presence - self-preservation?) so it may be a good time to stop contact, fingers crossed they might not even notice!
I think from reading all your comments i have learnt something important - all this time i have thought it best to acknowledge that her behaviour is wrong and try to put it right - now i see there is nothing i can do, and trying to make people see when she is lying about me or my siblings only makes it worse for myself! i feel like my sister has hung me out to dry where my mum is concerned and i wish i could not care.
PLEASE TELL ME IT GETS EASIER!!!

3:07 AM  

It gets much easier.

This group may help you as well:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/405538969464208/

11:25 PM  

Here is my take on telling a Narcissist what they are. I wouldn't waste the time. The first thing the narcissist would do is label you a narcissist and then smear you by telling everyone you know the same. By giving them this information, they will spot a weakness in you, and exploit it, they know the last thing in the world you are or want to be is an N, so they hit right there where it hurts the most. They will use the info against you! They can't or won't change anyway so nothing productive will come of telling them they are Ns in my opinion

7:45 PM  

My mother and sister are both narcissistic. i've seen that before i finish talking, they're already formulating their rationalisations of anything i said, even when i have proof. i love my mum, but finally realise the wiring in her brain just isnt there to see any point of view that doesnt give her feelings first priority. Same way an alcoholic can love booze AND be a kind person at the same time. She's not a bad person - she just doesnt 'get' it. Once i understood that, i could structure my emotions to allow for that. So i am now able to love her in a way that i am comfortable with ... but i'll be keeping my emotions protected so they cant be turned around and used on me as a weapon.

8:13 AM  

I just realized yesterday after 37 years that my mother is a Nmom....I tried to relay the information to my sister because she was involved in the triangulation with my mom, aimed at me. After receiving the information, my sister went straight to my mother. 2 hours later I received a message in my inbox from my mother stating that accusing her of being a narcissist was BS and that it was a sorry attempt to cover up the sad truth of how terrible a person I am. She then proceeded to tell me that "if the shoe fits" and posted a website stating the traits of NPD. She accused me of being a narcissist as well. After all of my reading today, and understanding that I am the scapegoat, it makes sense that she would do this. I found this blog looking for a way to help my sister, and now see that No Contact is the only way to prevent more trauma. I hope that this helps others who are looking to help siblings involved with N parents.

7:45 PM  

My problem isn't with a narcissistic parent, but that of a narcissistic 30 year old daughter, who uses anything possible to keep my granddaughter away from myself and her father. Her father and I have been divorced for 17 years. She will take anything we say to her, twisting our words totally out of context, and becoming defensive, turning it all around and using her perception of what is being said as a weapon in her cruel "chess game," using our 5 year old granddaughter as a pawn. Not only is it destroying her father and myself, but also our granddaughter. Any advice would be appreciated!
Thank you!

3:41 PM  

Unfortunately you must cut ties with the NDaughter and your grandchild - at least for now. It's the only way. If you take yourself out of your ND's 'target range' as the granddaughter gets older she will probably figure it out. Also, you are modeling that it is GOOD to step away from someone abusing you, no matter who it is.

1:11 AM  

Can someone please help my mom has Npd and i have no one . My grandmother a npd too and i believe other family members are too . Ive tryed telling her how i feel but its like talking to wall . She flips everything and she is always in rage. Im 18 and i have nothing because of her , im so lost i really need help getting out of this hell :( please my email is lashayr12@gmail.com

6:05 PM  

Hi. I'm just recently realizing that my mother is a covert narcissist. She sent me a message that was slightly insensitive so I started crying and screaming (I have BPD and OCD) while my husband was driving the car. He was surprised because everything had been fine, so he called her to tell her how upset the message made me. She immediately became defensive and said that he was an irresponsible husband and a hateful person. The next day she came to our house and told me I should not defend my husband against my mother and that he needed to apologize. She started yelling and making no sense. She came to be right and turn everything onto us. She is always innocent and if I tell her anything that she has done was wrong she says it is an attack and that she will attack back because she's a "survivor." We both asked her to leave more than once but she followed my husband upstairs and told him that everything he does is wrong,he's arrogant, and that we are "rebellious little kids". Then when she left she said "i just came to clear up the gray area and reach an understanding. i love you" I didn't respond and she said "aww honey sometimes I wish you were still a little girl." We are the only people who call her out on anything but I'm beginning to see it's not worth it because it gets turned around and we are the bad guys. I know that this is long but I just wanted to get an idea if anybody else thinks this sounds like covert narcissism or if it's me? Of course when I asked my sisters they thought I was wrong and I should cut her some slack. She has always treated me differently for whatever reason, maybe my mental health has caused her issues over the years and I have challenged her. She has been mentally and emotionally abusive and this probably has to do with my BPD. Thank you for any feed back.

10:44 AM  

One time I got so infuriated with my narcissistic mother that I yelled I couldn't wait for her to drop dead. Sadly, I don't regret that comment. Things would be better off if she was gone even if I had to grief her death anyways. Grrr

5:50 AM  

I have as little contact as possible w/ a 53 yo narcissistic stepson as possible. I guess my question would be how far down the family tree do I disassociate myself? One daughter is fine, has 3 kids which 2 of them are being influenced by him. The 3rd of the grt-gkids has a particular fondness for me which he can't stand, nor does he give this 10 yo the time of day. The other daughter does everything imaginable to get his approval, to no avail, I might add. Her kids have not shown signs of being influenced....yet! His mother died 3 yrs ago and he has gotten progressively and steadily worse and treats his dad/my husband awful taboot. Each time my husband has a health issue he gets even worse. Then he likes to claim that I'm trying to "kill his dad off". I love these g-kids and grt-kids dearly, and yes, I've been in their lives from the moment they were born.

10:07 PM  

Do we stop having Christmas Day/and or any other get togethers? Either way we're going to get bashed by some of the grand kids because they are soooo under the spell of dad/uncle. They bash us, me in particular (repeating), behind our backs of course, what the man (my stepson) has said, and these are grown "kids".

12:17 PM  

I just discovered my dads a narcissist and was considering confronting him about it even though I know it wouldnt help and he would get even angrier. After reading these comments its really no point to cause myself anymore grief. I have learned to cope with problem by just doing what I want to do like going out on the weekends without him even if he gets mad. He always said I was abandoning him if I didnt include him in what i did. But i look at it this way, im not happen staying with him always, so why not do what you want, be happy, and then ignore him when he says youre abandoning him. I say dad I love you and will always and im not abandoning you and be done with it. LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. God bless all of you

8:02 PM  

About 8 months ago, I realized that my 37 year old daughter is a narcissist. Since she was 16 years old, I knew that something wasn't right, but I didn't know what it was until I began researching her characteristics. It didn't take long to figure it out. She was bleeding me dry both emotionally and financially, so I decided that I had no choice but to do no contact. It is so difficult not to be able to see my 3 grandsons, but I know that I cannot, or I will get sucked back into my daughter's web. This will be my first no-contact Thanksgiving and Christmas. My heart breaks, but I don't know what else to do. She just sucks the life out of me. NPD is a horrible disorder. I hate it.

11:35 AM  

I have struggled with an N mother and N adult daughter. It is heart wrenching and incredulous to always be a scapegoat. I set limits with my N mother due to intolerable abuse and phone harassment following the death of my father. I asked her to discontinue berating my deceased father and that taking sides between issues of her adult children only served to deepen resentments. Her reaction was to increase the statements and later to call my phone (s) non-stop for hours in a rage when I hung up on her. I discovered that she told family and friends that I told her to never contact me again. It never happened. She gossiped about a childhood friend of mine to me. I discovered that she indicated that I was her source of information for the gossip! I tried to speak to her, sent cards and gifts for years and then just stopped altogether. As I told her, it's impossible to resolve issues with a person who claims to do no wrong. My adult daughter has shown strong traits of N for many years. She is controlling, flies into rages, and always has an issue, but refuses to discuss it to resolve anything. I believe she delights in claiming to have no mother while it is she who has always pushed me away. I've made multiple offers to help her when she has had problems or illness. I sense she has made claims of serious illnesses for attention. Her cancer just disappeared once I continued to inquire. She went on to another illness, but no information comes forth. She did this with one of her children too in that the worst scenarios were provided. It is her way or else. The NP is something others comment on. I have complimented her on achievements, but it is never enough. She has indicated that people are just jealous of her; she has claimed that of me as well. You. don't. win. Grandchildren are withheld, but we give gifts and money. I sense they hear a lot of negatives about us, but that is out of our control. She obtains "other mothers" while accusing me of not being one to her. The only constant is chaos and anger. I set a limit on texting as that was the only relationship she wanted. All calls were focused on her achievements, nothing more. Since I have indicated that a phone call or face to face visit is preferable, she refuses. As for the person who wants to confront their N relative, please know retaliation will follow. They refuse to acknowledge their own behavior and all things are your fault. I have little contact, strive to not allow their chaos to rule my life, and try to be decent, but not their victim.

1:50 PM  

I'm married to a man who behaves like someone with this NPD. What should I do stay with him or leave him. I'm always so very confused about the tight thing for me. Hrs abusive he is down right evil and terribly mean.

2:59 PM  

What do I do if I'm in love with a man who had NPD. Severely

3:02 PM  

RUN. I married one. He is a 61 yr old Peter Pan. All about him. His needs. His "wonderful-ness"... It's exhausting.. I am too old to jump through hoops and my own health is not what it once was. He helps me with ZERO. Our finances are totally separate and still he whines that I don't contribute. He makes 90K/yr. I make 12K. I get so tired of having the same arguments. Every other day.. I know he's mentally ill.. that's what keeps me there, actually.. If he had a broken leg and couldn't dance, would I divorce him for something he had no control over? I'm torn. But I'm also exhausted. If you can avoid getting involved with one - RUN at the first signs.. " ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, - financially irresponsible, lazy, life of the party, liar, manipulator, refuses to grow up.. " Yes, it's a roller coaster. Constant. Please run if you can. It will never stop.

10:49 AM  

Does anybody know how a person gets this? Is it inherited or due to abuse of some tyoe?

8:28 AM  

In my case, it is my eldest daughter who has NPD. She is using our granddaughter as a weapon against us by not allowing us to see her. She knows there is nothing she can do or say that hurts anybody so she uses her daughter.

9:20 PM  

Hi,I read this article and was pleased at its ruthless honesty and clarity in revealing the narcissist and their inability to look at themselves. After experiencing a Narcissistic Mother and sister, I also believe through my own experience that it is NOT in one's best interests to confront the narcissist about anything. they CANNOT and WILL NOT see or understand what you are saying. the best action one can take is NO contact immediately, which is the ONLY way to heal from such devastating abusivie people, and do without guilt, because it IS all choice, and if they truly wish to heal, and do NOT, it is THEIR choice, and it is YOUR choice to walk away, to enable your own healing process to begin. Everyone has choice, whether they realize it or not.

10:38 PM  

My mother is text book NPD. As a child, I sensed there was something wrong with her but was not able to identify the condition through therapy and reading until 4 years ago. My experience is that confrontation is ineffective and creates additional stress. I am the only child and I tried no contact but was not able to maintain because of my own sense of guilt. What works best is minimal contact. I speak to her a couple times a week if convenient and visit her once a month (she lives 40 minutes away). Conversations are "carefully managed" and I do not share any information with her about my personal life (I am expecting and decided not to tell her until I start showing - if she even notices she'll just tell me I'm too fat). After years of minimal contact and all about HER conversations she expressed to me on several occasion over the past year that she wishes we would communicate better as mother/daughter and that she finds my secrecy "distressing". I would love to be close to her and spend more time with her but from past experience I know she will use any shared information no matter how small to hurt, manipulate or violate boundaries. I love my mother and realize that she is not a whole person. Confronting her would be a waste of time because she is incapable of understanding the hurt and alienation her behaviour has caused. My advice is to see a therapist, do as much reading as you can to understand and heal yourself and enrich your spirit.

6:27 PM  

I am desperately need your help. I have got the one and only younger narcissist brother whom I love madly. He very often misbehaved with my mother, other sister and also with me as he always has the supreme thought about himself and he is the best. I spent lots of money for him and I never said NO to him on any occasion earlier. I always stood by him when ever he needed me. But, he doesnt have any control on his anger and some how force us to intimidate and praise for his behaviour. However, recently I got cheated by my elder sister and also my brother and now my brother is saying that he is cutting off all his relationship with me. In fact I always tried to help him get our of his trauma or any kind of mental problem but now they are spreading bad comments against my husband and forcing me to leave my husband. Already they convinced my other family members and they are not ready to listen my feelings. How can I cut off my 12 years relationship with my husband only because they dont like him.

Further I also love my brother as I always considered him as my child ad take care of him and now as he stopped communication with me, I am not in a position to bear the pain. I dont know what to do. I am emotionally broken. Please help me getting out of the betrayal and trauma.

6:09 AM  

You don't choose your parents and siblings, but you choose your spouse, whom you build your own family with. As an adult, you are a leader and a builder of your life. If someone is not happy with your choices, alow them. It's their choice to be happy or not. Eventually, no one can be happy or unhappy with external things. Happiness starts inside, and it's based on own beliefs and thoughts. If a person plays a victim (I say "plays", because we choose a role for our selves in a theater called "life"), he/she denies own power over own life, avoids accountability and gives a power to others to rule his/her life and emotions. Ones we change our beliefs, our feelings change automatically. We can choose what to believe in. Religions, politics e.t.c are simply choices. So is a relationship. If we believe, we are accountable for our lives and choices, we feel whole and powerful. We can accept the fact that no one is perfect, because we don't know what "perfect" means. We can accept the fact that others may not know this information and have their own image of perfectionism, or how others should behave. Sossiety tends to generalize and label everything deciding what's normal. There are no two identical flowers even though they look the same. Not everyone is capable of total acceptance of differences and uniqueness of all of us. If we accept this fact, we don't need advises, because any advise is based on own experience and belief, so all advises we give to ourselves consequently. Only you can decide for your self. The only advise can be given is - listen to your heart and intuition. Claim your power of being a whole unique and wonderful YOU. Don't let anybody rain on your sparkle. Let people be who they want and do what they want as long as they don't step on you. In my experience with my Nmother, I let her know that her tricks don't work. She gets upset, but it's her choice. Every time I tell her that I'm not interested in her opinion and show that she can't invade my privacy, she understands more and more that I'm not wiling to play her game. In this point, I become a less interesting subject for feeding her narcissism. Narcissists aren't interested in someone, who doesn't show any interest to their "persona" and don't get manipulated. Consequently, they realize that it's painful for them to run into the wall of indeference on your behalf. It always takes a minimum two people to fight. "What ever" approach works wonders. We are here not to please anybody and not to justify ourselves, and if others don't get it, let them make own choices. We can never be good for everyone, but we can be good to ourselves. Otherwise, who would? "Treat yourself the way you want others treat you" ~ Buddha. I'm not a Buddhist, but these words make sense to me, especially when I deal with a narcissist.

1:58 AM  

I am glad i found this article, my brother who i see on and off has moved in with me recently due to a divorce, initially i felt sorry for him but as time went by i came to realize that he is very cold and callus as a person, he opened up to me one day and told me he went to a shrink for a few months, he was told that he is border line psychopathic and a narcissist, the trouble is all his decisions revolve around him, he has Zero emotions and empathy for others, i started reading up on how to deal with these types of personalities and i'm now standing my ground and not communicating with him as much i used to, but we do live together so the No Contact rule is difficult, i'm considering moving out.

I used to feel sorry for him, but now i feel sorry for the people around him who he hurts.

12:55 PM  

Barbara.. He might be weak/depleted on various fronts social,emotional,financial, health .. How does he li e his life.. Who does he share the happy sad bad worse moments .. How does one Trust anyone in society when one comes to face that the very person who they trusted the most.. Have betrayed him.. Without trust n faith how can he share .. His sorrow grief happy moments... Probably he might have another parent too that needs to be rescued... Someone whos even more weaker than himself .. If he leaves .. His other parent will be pulled further into the clutches of this NPD guy.. How does he atleast rescue his all weak other parent so that he can probably

4:41 PM  

Yes stroke thier ego.. They are NPD bcos they are weak themself.. A Hitler was a NPD but probably he didnt do it with his wife, child.. He had the world as a feed for his Narcissism.. Believe most of world Bosses were Narcissist.. Theres a difference between Leader n Boss.. Both influence ppl via the love/helplessness (enrich/eat on the weakness)resp .

4:49 PM  

I made the exact same mistake. Thinking I was going to try and help protect Sis and her kids from my crazy Narc Mother.
Wrong move on my part. Actually wasnt Total Complete Failure.... As The whole bizarre conversation with Sis and her refusal to even look at the facts. Helped open my eyes. And help make my decision to Go (no contact)with the whole bunch of wackos SO MUCH EASIER.
Good Lord!!! Now I just need to learn How to process all this rage I am feeling.
Thanks to all!

3:10 AM  

I hav a situation where my adult asked us for $40000 which I don't have. He and his wife became unglued when we said no that we can't afford it we r retired.. son was very hurtful and disrespectful to both me and my husband in text.. He would not talk in person because we lecture apparently. He just wants money with no discussion I guess... now he wants to agree to disagree and wants us to apologize. . We did nothing but say we can't afford it.. I don't feel we should have to apologize for saying this.. He should for saying terrible and hurtful things to us which hurt deeply. Where do I go from here?

1:58 PM  

My eldest sister is a narcissist. She is a very dangerous person who has damaged a lot of lives, including those of two of her four children. The other two I believe realize something is not quite right with her and have moved far away.
There is nothing to be gained by trying to reason with this woman. She concocts these outrageous lies to justify her bad behavior. Her capacity for hate is bottomless.
She has enmeshed her 40 year old daughter into her warped way of thinking so that now it is impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins.
Although my niece is a highly educated, successful, professional woman, she still lives at home with her mom. She has never had a lasting relationship with a man or has any friends really.
Her son believes everything his mother says, but occasionally has moments when he see's his mother for what she is. He stops contact for months, but eventually gets pulled back in.
Lately I have become her new scapegoat and am trying to deal with her rage- all directed at me. Not only is it painful, but I find myself afraid of her. She is truly an evil person.
I have found that in the past she gets enraged when ignored. I refuse to speak to her or about her to anyone. She has physically attacked my brothers and I when we dared challenge her. I feel bad for her children. And well really all of us because she is in our lives and is truly a Godless person.

8:56 AM  

I have a brother in law that is an N. Recently his mother or my mother in law had a heart attack and had Bypass surgery. He came in from out of town and visited her at the hospital. He immediately started barking orders to the staff and also his older siblings. He flat out told my wife and her sister that they don't know what there doing. He started controlling the schedule and wouldn't let people see his mother not even his own siblings. He says he is the only one qualified to be there. He has made my mother in law uncontrollably twice while she is still recovering. He called for a family meeting sohe could let everyone know his frustrations. I told everyone to not show up because it is a futile matter and a way for him to show he is in control. So we all decided to go out to lunch without him. It was a wonderful reunion that allowed us all to catch up and enjoy each others company. We decided to go visit my mother in law to show her that she has our support and love. I knew he would be there and he would be angry that know one showed up to his rant party. I council ed the family to ignore him completely like he is not there. It worked like a charm. When we got there he started in on us. But we just ignored him and spoke to his mother and we all were happy and care free. He was dumbfounded and flustered. He left and went home. My mother in law was able to recover without his antagonistic comments and attacks. Morale of the story is that the best way to beat an N is to make him believe he is irrelevant and what he says holds no wait in any given situation. They will leave on their own according when they realize that they have authority or control

5:35 AM  

What do you do when you are court ordered to deal with a Narcissist on a weekly bases? My daughters father is one of the worst N I could ever imagine, so much so he has his entire family afraid to even say anything and is a world class manipulator. I am so afraid he is going to hurt our 3 year old emotionally as she gets older and don't know what to do. He exhibits every one of the character traits to a sever extent. I desperately want him out of our lives but even the court ordered psychologist didn't think it mattered and gave him more time with our daughter. I have confronted him about his N but he ignores my statement and begins to berate me on how worthless I am and how I need to obey him because I'm such a crappy person and I am hurting our daughter because I cry after he puts me down. Any suggestions?! Would love any insight?!

6:09 AM  

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