Sanctuary for the Abused
Saturday, January 27, 2018
How to Identify a Female Narcissist
Physical Appearance
1. She dresses provocatively, flaunting sexually suggestive body parts.
2. She focuses attention on makeup and hair, even for the most mundane tasks or events.
3. She is overly confident about her looks. Research shows that narcissists are no more attractive than other people, but they believe they are much better looking than other women.
4. She places high value on brand names, and feels entitled to wear “the best.” She frequently purchases new clothing, and does not distinguish between wants and needs. (this is MORE than simply wanting to look nice)
5. She is more likely to have plastic surgery, most commonly breast augmentation.
6. She enjoys being photographed, and often asks others to snap her picture. She enthusiastically shares the best pics of herself on Facebook or other social media sites. She will sometimes invest in a professional photographer for a portrait that she uses on Facebook or for online dating.
Personality/Character
1. She insists on being the center of attention, and is often the most charming person in the room. Narcissists are very outgoing and excel at marketing themselves.
2. She often seeks favorable treatment, and automatic compliance. She believes that she is special, and that she deserves fame, fortune, success and happiness.
3. She is highly materialistic.
4. She is prone to envy, though she presents as supremely confident. She seeks opportunities to undermine others, and enjoys sharing confidences about how the two of you are better than others.
5. She is convinced that others are envious and jealous of her, and often uses this excuse for her lack of real, intimate friendships. When her friends enjoy successes of their own, she finds ways to punish them by downplaying their achievements.
6. She lacks empathy, and even common courtesy at times. She puts others down, including you. She does not hesitate to exploit others.
7. She is very competitive.
8. She believes that she is intellectually superior to her peers.
9. She blames others for problems. Narcissists don’t believe that they make mistakes, and lack the ability to process shame.
10. She displays a haughty attitude when she lets her guard down or is confronted. She will act impatient, arrogant and condescending. She will often excuse her own shortcomings by claiming that others are pressuring her or expecting too much of her.
11. She is dishonest and often lies to get what she wants. She will never admit this.
12. She is “psycho:” She engages in risky behaviors, has an addictive personality, and is prone to aggressive behavior when rejected. (Note: This is most common with Histrionic Personality Disorder.)
13. She is unpredictable in her moods and actions. You have trouble figuring out what she wants and where you stand.
14. She is capable of short-term regret, and will apologize profusely if backed into a corner. However, she will quickly rationalize her behavior and return to narcissistic patterns.
A woman doesn’t need to have all 20 of these traits to make a lousy relationship partner. If you can check off even a few of these characteristics, you should head for the hills at 60 mph.
The six traits related to physical appearance should be apparent immediately, or within a short time of meeting.
Narcissistic personality traits can be difficult to detect at first. Narcissists always make a strong showing right out of the gate, and it takes time for them to reveal their negative qualities. They will only do so w
Please don’t date one. I beg you not to fall in love with one. And never, ever marry one.
Labels: females, lack of empathy, narcissism, narcissist, narcisstic mother, pathological, sexual
91 Comments:
I, sadly did fall in love with and dated a narcissitic women for over a year. The traits that ring true to me now are the "never wrong" "no empathy" and the love of brands. Over time this type of person will suck the emotional blood out of you because you can never give enough while you get comments like " i cant give you what you need or deserve"
I an too dedicated and committed I always felt thing would work out , howver, although Im still getting over it , I know I dodged a bullet
A person can have several of these traits and not be a narcissist at all. For example, a person may love dressing up in costumes or putting on makeup and may love taking self-portraits, but may be kind, caring, and never jealous and not care about being the center of attention. One has to be careful with these prescriptive lists of traits as they can be misleading if taken too literally. Plus, people often seek information out on the net and only see what they want to see, not taking into account their own flaws in thinking, their own jealousy issues, and then they 'diagnose' someone else.
I would add that you'll never hear her use any self-deprecating humor. And she will not understand teasing and will get very mad when someone does it to her, but she will think she is teasing another when she really isn't. It's all about a lack of empathy and a complete failure to grasp language and its meaning.
Several of my sisters are narcissists/psychopaths. Of course I didn't realize this until I was well into adulthood. One thing I always knew though, was that they could never be trusted around any guy I dated. They would always try to seduce him and run me down. They were always bored in their relationships even when they had the best men. The only friends that they had (girlfriends) were either those that worshipped/admired them or those they could manipulate and control.
They could destroy marriages or relationships and it meant nothing to them. They are old now and it is so clear to see what they are. They've led lives of ruin and destruction and they have no real memeory of it. If you bring any of their past indiscretions up, they get mad, or deny them or say that you have it wrong. But it has no effect on them. There is no guilt or shame or remorse. I now know that they are incapable of these emotions because their brains don't process these things.
And remember, it's genetic so they've given birth to another generation of them. Many of them are stunning to look at, incredibly smart and vivacious, but they are all lethal to your soul.
So very true just got out of a year and half relationship with a woman who fits the bill to the "T". The best advice is to take heed to the warning signs in the begining and steer clear from these women. They are heartless and soulless
I knew nothing of narcissim. I fell in love with a beautiful, vivacious. woman..I always knew that something wasnt quite right. I sensed that she did not have peace in her heart. In comes me to "save" her. I figured that I could love her troubles away. WOW..was I wrong. She started treating me badly after only 2 Months..I had already fell in love..we were together for 6 months before she walked..If you want them to walk..just embarras them in front of someone..This woman hit 14 out of 14 of the traits listed above. By far, the thing that hurt was the complete and utter lack of empathy..It just blows my mind how she would twist everything around..I still am very sad..I still love her..but just cant be treated that way
Never wrong...absolutely sick.
Been there with you. Tears me apart.
To Anonymous 8:46am
I could of written exactly the same thing as you did...word for word this happened to me...even over a year later I can't believe what happened! Probably never will!
I just broke up with my narcissist two weeks ago...I know in my heart its the right thing to do, but have tried before and it's so hard to move on! She too hit all 14 of the traits..especially the looks and body part..I mean an absolute 10. She is a double zero and absolutely flaunts her body when we go out and about. TripleD breasts...her ex husband claimed that she even had nose and chin surgery, but she of course denies it..you see...she is Vietnamese by nationality, but now looks very Americanized with her supposed surgeries. I have known she is a Narcissist in my heart, but have always denied this to my heart because I felt that she could somehow actually change and be the person that I wanted her to be!!! It just never changes..She always gets extremely nasty when we break up..even though I try to make it a clean an adult like situation. She has gotten everything in life by her manipulations and flaunting of her body..I hate it because I feel like she always wins and everyone takes her side because they don't really know the true person that I know. Anyway, I've wasted alot of time and money on this girl and hopefully this time I can be strong enough to move on. I am trying to steer clear of all of our old haunts, but of course as you may have guessed, she is making it a point to be at all of them and make my life miserable and hurt me! It's good to read these stories and know that I am not the only one that has been wrecked by such a woman.
I cannot agree more with the above post. They go back of brands, very materialistic,they blame everyone...their family, spouse. I had a very close relation with a narcissist women and recently found that she has this personality disorder.She faked her tears and fake that she cares for me like no one else. Talking to them over the phone is the biggest mistake because that is where they will try to manipulate you and make you understand that it wasn't their fault at all, this makes you fell in their trap again. I still can't believe that she has this disorder and how artful she is faking her emotions.
I've only recently realised I've been in a quite long term on/off relationship with a woman who is a covert narcissist and she ticks most the characteristics listed above.
It has proved to be an incredibly painful experience because I genuinely felt I loved her. I now know from the lies, forced dramas, tantrums, complete lack of empathy or remorse and recognition of the hurt she caused, that I was deluding myself, and yet .... it is still hard to drag myself away from her. I was blissfully ignorant of her lies for some time but when I did start listening to my gut instinct so many untruths and secrets started to be revealed and it became apparent that she cared only for herself and no one else.
A painful lesson and one I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I fell in love and had an affaire with an unmarried woman 50 years old (my age). Beautiful, she looked 10 years younger very attractive and seductive. Very smiley all the time with friends and me, loving social life and interested in arts, music and all beautiful things. She had hundred cloths in her closets and beautiful objects in her home. She was giving me very expensive presents and caring for me like a geisha. After days we were together she was also asking me to leave my family to live with her in a beautiful apartment filled with apparently unique artworks. Shortly after I also learned she had economic problems, and fights with family, colleagues and boss, and she had previous sudden breaks with her lovers. I had met her when I was running for a high post and she was very supportive during that time. After I lost the race, and possibly because of it, she started saying she had cared for me and it was time now for me to help her in her numerous troubles. She was also consuming all her money. She started then to give me presents that were actually presents for herself and her home. Suddenly, out of the blue, after 18 months of sexually attractive life and bonding, as soon as I asked to divorce from my wife and leave family, something she had asked me for all the time we had "been in love", within TWO DAYS, setting up a drama while crying she said she needed two months of break to think after my denial to break with my family at least for two more months she withdraw saying she needed time to think for herself and her foolish grandiose and never accomplished projects, claiming I had not helped her form months while this was not true, and put on hold her interests in the various activities she used to practice, that she felt guilty for my family, and the responsibilities we would have for the interference of these problems in our future life. But after ten days she came back and asked me to get together again and attracted me sexually, but again, after one week we had great sex and life had returned as before, after one evening we had intercourses she had sexually prepared for very carefully, she told me, the morning after, she could not stand the tension I was provoking her and she needed to pursue her career and independence. Fortunately I could rebuild bonds with my family within days, but she is now trying to attract me again in her foolish projects and keep me enchained to her even without sex. I am now curious what will be next but also trying to escape although it is hurting especially for the loss of her charming smile, sensuality and life style. Isn't she a perfect narcissistic bee queen trying to destroy me without any consideration for others, their life for the sake of her ego? Wasn't I completely blind?
I dated a narsasitic woman for a year also , i wish i would have seen the signs or even read about it because i ended up in therapy because of her . Its all true in the traits , the woman i was with had nearly everyone of them and blamed me for problems
I met one 3 years ago. She promised to marry and settle down so i went all in. Then she reveals months later she was married. Did it for money to get someone green card. Everytime i asked her to get divorce...excuses! Then one night she aint come home. Now im worried. Then she steals my credit cards! Im start to sink in debt as i pay her colege tuition, fix her credit etc. Then i catch her cheating so i put her out! Took six months to start healing when she was trying to make contact to come back home. The guy i caught her with started to abuse her, cut of his money for hair, nails looks etc! Her son begged me to take her back. Her gf begged me take her backa! She even told me she changed and learned her lesson. She get counseling and promised her son she would fight to be a family. I gave in. After a week of no affection, sex i had the OMG face. She brutally blamed no sex because i turned her off for asking her to take HIV test. Then the sneaking on the cell phone. She was cheating with men and women. All i started to think about was how do i tranfer the $10,000.00 dollar dental bill in her name. Oh she claimed she was not gonna have a wedding until her smile was fixed! Yes i was in love with the original her. Then recently i came home to a note that said she needed time to think. She be home the next day! Enough! When i told her 15 year old son he said put her azz out! She is ungrateful! . Extremely selfish! Then to top it off! She ran back to the abusive man! Cause he got money...but once the newness wears off again he will cut her off. Her son is so furious he said he is done with her! He lives with his father thank god! 3 years all i saw and heard was her brag about her body, her looks etc. One went to buy her a toyota carolla and she refused! Walk across the street into the Range Rover dealership! I watched her test drive a brand new one and sit down with the finance guy and she aint even have a damn job! Men this is the short version. I had many more red flags! Listed to your friends and fam! Run like hell! These are the worst human beings on earth! I almost lost my Job, went into debt, and many of my valuables are in the pawn shop! This time im fighting back! She played me twice...now tells her son not to ever talk to me! And spreading lies about me cause everyone takes my side! Will update you on how her Voodoo hex turns out!
I dated a narcissist women for nearly 3 years. When we first met, she seemed so humble and hid behind a very religious front of a pious lifestyle. She was atractive and a high flyer and as her career grew so did her true nature. I was suddenly being "moulded" to fit in her image. I was introduced at parties as a big shot, because she was ashamed of my job, I was compared to every successful guy around and she became so flirtatious with her "male" friends it became too much. She would dress to the nines to go out without me, invite male friends over to her place while i was there only for them and i to both look embarred, wondering what was going on. Ironically it was while thumbing through her own Bible that she read every night that the truth became clear. This was not love, just a shameful imitation that I needed to walk away from. Love is kind, humble, patient, caring, it is not proud or arrogant or selfish.I was gutted,angry, sad, confused and relieved but after reading the story of Samson ans Delilah and a few Bible proverbs,I realized that I was on the road to ruin. I will always have the memory of a memory but wisdom and truth have taught me that these are false and not to be trusted. Narcissists are masters of deception but look out for the things that cannot be easily mimicked, such as humility in word and deed, empathy, compassion, putting others first, kind speech and listen to your inner conscious, close your eyes to her beauty and judge her on her deeds and actions alone.
I have been married to my wife 32 years. The first 20 years of our marriage was wonderful and exciting. The last 10 years of our marriage has been brutal. For the longest time I was trying to figure out what went wrong. Mostly I just blamed myself. After reading the traits associated with NPD it was became my "aha" moment. Well maybe more like OMG!! The first 20 years I was away from home most of the time making bank. We wanted for nothing materially. But recently there have been some of my friends and acquaintances who have also noticed problems in our relationship. I started to do some research based on their input and started to devour books and papers regarding personality disorders. It was like BINGO when I read about narcissism. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted from my chest. I'm a pretty easy going guy, but I must tell you, my "need to please" personality turned quickly to anger. Anyway, I quickly regained my composure and am now in the process of planning my exit strategy....gleefully!!
best od luck..they don't let go easily....be careful...
I could say the exact same thing. 2 months in it turned to hell.
I dated a woman for 6 months, she showed signs early but we were in love, or so I thought. Comments like " I feel it back for you 100 percent and its mutual, that's what drives me" "your personality is perfect for me" on and on, we couldn't get enough of each other. It was amazing, and what I seemed to be looking for. Then the distance began, flirting and spending time with other guys. Inviting them on out on our dates, lies, cover ups, blame. Slapping me if I was out with other friends assuming I was with girls. Going through my phone. Ignoring me. Calling it off, calling it back on. Reassuring me things were fine. That I was the only guy she was interested in. Countless calls and messages from other men. Said they are just friends. Comments like " you will always cheat on your wife with me" " I've only been with guys with 9 inch penises" if I got off before her " ugh I've never had to deal with this" " it's a good thing I can get myself off" then back to " baby I love you, we will always work out" next day " I want you around when I want you around" then new pictures with a new guy online. I asked for closure, " I take the time out of my day to help you... This isn't normal anymore you're a grown man move on" telling people we only hung out a few times and we hardly talked. Then she continued to call over the following months, only to lead me on with false hope then continue to say " I told you I don't want to be with you" next week. " I could see how things would work under different circumstances, I miss you" I stopped talking to her. I became a mess of a person. Mind you I'm not perfect and I have my own flaws. There is a lot more I could mention...you all think she's a narcissist? I don't hate the girl and I wish her the best cause there is a part of me that hopes she is happy.
I have been with one for four years - we were married a year ago. While there were numerous red flags when we were dating, I ignored them because most of the time things were pretty good. After we got engaged, however, things took a turn for the worst and have grown increasingly bad during marriage. She has tried to isolate me from my family, continually guilt trips and blames me for every little thing, is controlling and says incredibly rude and hurtful things to me. I am now in the process of figuring out how to ask for and get a divorce. Embarrassing that my marriage only lasted one year, but self-care demands that I get out now as the depression of living with her has been profound.
My best friend & I got along fine until I began to have a relationship with a man who was handsome & dynamic. She would cast doubt & shame, asking me if worried he is only interested in me because he was a pedophile interested in my 7 year old daughter or that his attention & flattery was just because he felt sorry for me because he knew I didn't feel good about myself. In the same breath, she would inform me "I can get any man I want"! She would ridicule me when I would "dress up" to go out with her, but then copy my style of dress & make-up to the exact detail. I did not see all the red flags with our friendship, until I started to develop a relationship with a man she deemed "too good for me" & then the fits of jealous rage began. After our friendship ended, he told me she contacted him on Facebook offering herself up to him, anytime, anywhere.
I was married for 14 miserable years to an extreme case. After the ring went on her finger, I didn't know what hit me for the first five years - her tyrannical resume. Then I slowly I was fighting for my life as she overtly and covertly gradually destroyed my once relaxed outgoing personality. Then we had two lovely kids and i hung in for them and her consistent abuse made me hate her evil doings. The dark mystery is that the worst is done to one behind closed doors as she play acts a goody-goody stoical mother hen image. I'm now happily divorced and bonded with my kids but it's like fighting the Taliban for the past 19 years. She will never surrender but I've got my life back from the brink of losing it.
I am a daughter of a narrcisst mother. Everything that you all have said is on point! For the first time in my life I've confronted her about the way she treats me. Of course the tables were tuned that it's my fault. Haven't spoken in 2 months......still waiting for an apology that I know will never happen.
I met a girl and married her who was havin most of des traits but was difficult for me to identify..she was very materialistic ..never valued my gifts more dan for dat moment exploited me for her dresses and mobile rechrges..she always cared about herself and her own feelings..never even looked after me wen I fell sick..yet blamed me on every issues and d reason for her unhappiness..was adament dat she was beautiful and rich yet exploited me for all her expenses..she was smart liar yet if caught redhanded gave a momentary apoligy and back again to her own self..she wud smile at me wen I go mad at myself coz f her attitude..never respected me ..wanted to control arguements..always talked 'I ''me ''myself'' my happiness' dan 'us or we'..did all dramas includin a suicide attempt to get me under her control..she forced me to divorce her and put d blame on me..yet she always maintained a charmin and nice gal status in d society..made me luk d bad guy in d society..she now left me and I learnt she has concealed her once married staus and s lukin for another guy..I sacrificed a lot and faced a lot f disgrace for marryin such a gal and worst she turned d tables such a way dat I was convinced dat I was not d better part in our affair..I went chasin and apoligisin her hopin for her to come bak but she wudnt..until I read des articles here I realised I was saved from hell...but it s difficult to forget her cox she was so charmin and attractive and can act really so nice sometyms...help me get over her..
Reading these comments makes me feel a little less alone. Looking back I have been in an abusive marriage with my wife for the past 15 years or so. I have always been very good hearted and put everyone else's feelings before my own. My wife has always had rages and tantrums over things and blamed everything on me including her reactions to things. I nursed her through a period of major depression after she lost a baby, supported her and after she made a bad career move helped her get back on track with different jobs. She could not cope when either of our children were born so I did the bulk of the child care (night feeds etc.) and household work alongside a stressful job to take the pressure off her. I work hard, look after the children many nights so that she can go out to the gym / meet friends / go shopping. I have realised now that the whole household and everything I have done has always been for her benefit and demands regardless of other people. Holidays and activities are booked for her demands, not the children or myself. There have been outings the children want to do that she has refused because she would find them boring. She has lied to other people about me over many things (and she is very believable). Last October I find a series of love letters from a man she knows at the gym - these were dismissed as harmless and my fault anyway as I don't give her enough time and don't go out with her enough or am boring etc.etc. Last week I was given a note from the wife of the man she had the letters from (with evidence) saying that it was an affair (she claims emotional one) that had gone on for 5 months and never stopped after October. This is also my fault as I haven't organised enough time together to go out and I have an unrealistic view of what marriage should be and she needs her freedom. I know this is one sided but I cannot begin to say how much I have done for her and my family over the years. My next door neighbor remarked that everyone sees that I am the one who does the most for our children. I am now heading for the divorce courts and am devastated by what the effects will be on our children who I never thought would have to grow up in a broken home. I have always blamed all the problems on myself and tried to present a happy image to the world whilst trying to make sure there were no "flashpoints" on the horizon that would upset her. At times I have almost felt that I have not known which way was up or down and have begun to question my own behaviour to her which she always says is the problem. I am almost feeling that a weight is dropping off my shoulders now that I have reached tipping point and all my family, colleagues, neighbors and friends are supporting me. Her family (who had years of screaming rows, fallings out, parents sleeping in separate rooms...) are now manipulated by her and believing all her stories and fanning the flames. I don't know why I am writing this but really it is a relief to hear other stories that are so similar. On the last note, I asked her did she realise how many lives she was wrecking with her actions and she replied - "none".
"Over time this type of person will suck the emotional blood out of you because you can never give enough while you get comments like " i cant give you what you need or deserve" "
So true..."Im sorry i can't give you what you need because of my sickness. You deserve someone better". Now I don't even know if she does really have a disease AT ALL.
I split up with my partner 7 weeks ago,at first I thought she was autistic or aspergers but the lack of empathy and the way I was treated was disgusting, we were together 2,5 years, everything was my fault and I was told that I was to blame for my actions and hers. I rescued her from a shit relationship, took her kids on. I even moved to the other side of the country but it was always dramas but if I told her about something bad in my life she wasn't interested. I decided to see a therapist she made me realise that not only was she a narcissist but so was my mum, and that due to this I have a history of dating narcissists. Now I realise that it wasn't love but attachment, narcissists are full of drama, passion, seeking attention especially from the opposite sex but the lack of empathy is the worse especially as they seek all the time. Mine used to say to me she was too busy to spend time with me whilst being on FB, mumsnet and candy crush for still least 4h a day. 10% of women are narcissists! I'm concentrating now on the 90% that aren't
I made the mistake of hiring a woman like this. She destroyed my work, my friendships and my reputation in her efforts to take over my department. I quit my job and within a year the department I had built was abolished and the work outsourced. Now, she's working as a filing clerk and I've got my career on track, though I'm left with chronic health issues. I will not work with women again.
FIGURE OUT WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE AND GET AWAY BEFORE THEY DESTROY YOU AND YOU COMMIT SUICIDE!
I dated a woman like those described above for 2 1/2 years. At first she was the sweetest thing I ever met. Over the next few months things got weirder and weirder. She displayed several behaviors I had never seen before. Ultimately, She helped destroy the relationship between my son and I as well as seriously chipped away at my self esteem. After realizing what was going on after a night where I was spit on for nothing at a 5 star restaurant I broke up immediately. Everything that everyone has mentioned in the above articles happened. Lying, manipulation, gas lighting, extreme mood swings family separation and even violent actions for nothing... all of it! It's subtle, almost totally un noticeable.
After going through this I started researching this condition as well as Borderline, Histrionic, Intermittent Explosive and other disorders - all of which I think this woman had some form of. I also began to understand my own dynamics - why did I fall in love with and stay with this person for so long. I also found that my X Wife had (has) many of the same characteristics.
All in all, my opinion is that there should be a range in which people might suffer from these disorders, say 1 - 10. My X fiancé/girlfriend was maybe a 5. My X wife maybe a 3. Unfortunately my brother married a 10 - full blown sociopathic narcissistic bitch from hell. He never recovered, never got help and never understood what was going on with him and these types of people. He was attracted to these god awful creatures, like so many of us and dated a few more. He became alcoholic and eventually committed suicide two years ago.
I broke up with the woman I mentioned just about a year ago and still miss her at times. I've gone through a lot of counseling. Life is getting better but it takes a lot of time to get these people out of your head. The best advice - RUN! It's too difficult if not impossible to fix these people. THERE RE BETTER PEOPLE OUT THERE!
The relationship between my son and I is much better, my daughter and I are doing well. I am beginning to enjoy dating again but am much more cautious! Life goes on after these people but you must learn what they are and why YOU are attracted to them. Wishing you the best, peace and joy in your life going forward!
I can't believe I'm writing on one of these blogs, but I got to.
My wife of nine years, I find out now by reading this blog and the comments, is after all, narcissistic. Who would of known?
We stayed together that much time because I worshipped her. I admired her. Her every whim was my command. She is gorgeous and maybe one of the most intelligent women I have ever met.
However, she couldn't resist the attention of men and she thought every other intelligent capable woman was jealous of her.
She wanted to move to the Dominican Republic, the land of "womanizers" and dancing four nights per week. Suddenly I became, Mr. Dull and Boring as I worked to provide her every desire. I took care of her three young children; not one ounce of appreciation. Unbelievable.
She has left me recently and the cruelty from her is so amazing. People say, "She's just trying to hurt you." And I could never get that. Why would the woman I was devoted to for nine years want to hurt me? I'm not hurting her.
She lies, very convincingly, after all, even I believed her stupid manipulating bologna for nine years. She deceives and she charms like a pro.
I have cried my eyes out for four months. I loved her with all my heart. I"m afraid I still do. She has not one ounce of empathy. She even writes and says she hopes I am suffering and am depressed. It's so bizarre.
When I saw her treat others badly, including her ex's, she has two of them, and her mother, father, and sister, I believed she was justified. I was duped, but apparently, I have good company, because she has the majority of our social circle believing her tall tales about me now. She must justify why she kicked me to the curb.
I've been crushed. I'm seeing a therapist and have been able to avoid anti-depressants, but it's been difficult. The anxiety is incredible as I hear my phone ring or check my email wondering what attack will come from her next.
The biggest bummer is I keep asking myself how I didn't see all this before. We fought sometimes, but it was always my fault. I'm the one that always said I was sorry. She is incapable of seeing her own shortcomings. Her mother told me that she has never heard her daughter once say she was sorry or admit to being wrong.
I read above that 10% are narcissists. I personally don't know if I could ever trust again.
I've only included a small portion of the drama, betrayal and outright assaults and shrewd conniving she has been doing. And here's the kicker, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being of the chart psycho, I think my wife is only about a 6 or 7 on the narcissistic continuum. Boy, apparently, some can even hide this well.
Her daughter of 15 years of age though is even worse than mother. I feel sorry for the men she's going to destroy.
Been married to one for 16 years.....3 great kids....hard to keep it togetjer anymore...name brands...blames me for stuff she gets caught doing wrong, lies frequently...serial cheating...always puts me down...till they are done using her...then runs back to me....i am a victime of abuse mentally and emotionally from a female narcissist and serial cheater.
Wow. My soon to be ex girlfriend- she ticks 18 of the traits.
And I've been thinking it was me who was either going insane or completely in the wrong at all times.
Then I realised after reading this that the female narcissist is an emotional vampire, and there is no winning. Just walking away with as much dignity as possible.
Reading your posts are absolute therapy for anyone who has been with these women. I just started falling for one myself when a colleague who new her warned me. I read up on narcissism and realized it fit her perfect. Displays all the signs listed above. My advice, keep a copy of this whenever you have feeling for such a woman, and refer to it constantly! There are good woman out there who don't emotionally destroy you.
Male ones are prone to envy and lash out when they are rejected. But anyway, yes, female narcissists are abusive whores.
There are double standards to narcissism. Female narcissists are treated harshly and it backfires. Male ones, they are let free.
Yes not everyone is a narc based on some characteristic traits but believe me when you are with one you know. I had given everything I had to mine and initially she seemed to recipricate but then as I continue to give, she started to take and blame. I tried harder and I became ostracised. Then the false accusations began...its hurtful, very painful and soul destroying.
Well said Sweetness, spot on!
Wow guys its like a wrote these comments. When it comes to a head, you let out your emotions (plead to her why she is treating me so cruel) in my case in public and then be accused of verbal and threatening behaviour. Can I also add they use the silent treatment like a form of torture so you do have the emotional outburst and then they have the ammunition to call you out as an abuser.
I dated a narcissist for three years and didn't realize it until after we broke up. She was highly empathetic unless the situation was about her and then she would rationalize away any bad behavior and defend her self-perception of being perfect to the last man. She burned her bridges with my family, kids and friends but adamantly refused to admit any blame or to try to repair things. She had the sweetest personality unless her anxieties kicked in and the she could be relentlessly verbally abusive. The dual personality just makes my head spin.
Can they ever be healed or is it just a lost cause. Is there any help for these hurting women who don't hurt?
Me too, your not alone .
My ex of almost 3 years broke up with me about a month ago and she definitely had most, if not all of these qualities. Didn't even realize it until now. There was no empathy for any situation or problem I would present and because of it she would always do what she wanted when she wanted. She basically made all the rules. She was also extremely manipulative and would often start fights over something I would bring up rationally. It wasn't until I was boiling mad that she would say that I needed to calm down, thus making me seem like the crazy one. My attention or compliments were never enough. She had to be constantly validated not only by me, but by every guy in the room. If a guy would compliment a female friend of ours in the looks department, she would blatantly complain in front of me about why she wasn't noticed. And if I wasn't complimenting her every second she would express her feelings about how I don't act attracted to her anymore. When in reality I put this girl on the highest pedestal imaginable. My ex would always say she loved attention, but for some reason I was so blind by love that I never equated it to something more. And oh man is the photograph thing true! She would take multiple photos because she wasn't satisfied and needed to get the 'perfect pic' for instagram. It was often pretty embarrassing when out in public or at a concert. Also, if I kept her waiting on me for more than a minute she would flip her shit, but I would be expected to wait up for sometimes 3 hours when she was out partying at bars and clubs with friends. I would get texts saying 'we're leaving soon' only to hear nothing hours later. These types of people are professionals at making it seem like you're losing your shit! Reading this is making me feel better in that it truly wasn't me, but that I was dating a complete psycho! I feel for anybody that is currently or has ever dated someone like this. Not only are you dealing with a selfish and un-empathetic partner, but you're dealing with someone that really lowers your self-worth and self esteem. I always felt like every good looking dude would get her eye (she would always make it known to me) and I was chopped liver. Thank you so so much for this article. It has been difficult trying to heal from this, but it's so great to know that I am not alone. Having dated someone like this it especially takes it toll in the self-blame department. Reading this has most definitely helped immensely with this break up. Thank you.
Thanks for the accurate summaries.
Echo the thoughts of "lowers your self worth/esteem"
No matter what they look like, (I've managed to be attracted to them all:)-), if they like a bit more than normal external validation-(compliments)- I and probably you need to decide at the beginning can we keep this up?what is the reciprocal return to us for that? Is it going to be worth it later?
Often it is not entirely them, as I've enabled it.
In saying that, if public appearance is important for the sake of self worth alone--leave quickly, as soon as you want to.
Absolute worst I've found have been horse owners.(I like horses, and animals too), must be something of a semi-real power and control trip.
Enjoy your life too:).
Job choice is another red flag-(be careful though,some of these in these industries are well grounded-and those we call narcissists pop up everywhere)-
e.g. realtor, single mother on state aid, television presenter or assistant, child of govt administrator-esp. when employed by govt.Anywhere where a pseudo authority can act, preferably with minimal ultimate accountability( present themselves)-think the tale of 'The Wizard of Oz'.
Great article!! I can't tell you how comforting it is to know, your not alone in the struggle.
I myself am a victim of a narcissistic/sociopath abuser and it's tough. It's been over a year since I stood up to my abuser and I am still paying for it. I am trying to suck it up as a lesson learned because I started dating him at 24(he was 15 years older) and a young mind is very impressionable.
However, it's a struggle when my abusers mission is to destroy my life. As many of you victims know, the court system is slow and lacks support for domestic violence. Especially when it falls under the category of emotional abuse.
Does anyone have any online support groups they could recommend or affordable support/help ?
I would love to share my story but I'm too scared. Enough damage as already been done to me over the Internet. My abuser has posted over 40 articles on the Internet slandering my name. He even took a 3 hour deposition tape of me from his aggravated stalking case(he violated the op I have against him several times)and edited to all the bad parts. Eliminated my answers and posted it online. Then called into my work anonymously to spread word about the video. I have been able to get many sites to remove the information because it's against their guidelines but there still several out there I can't get down.
If anyone has advice or knows of any groups that help people like me I would really appreciate it. I'm not one to write on blogs but I don't know what else to do. I currently have 3 attorneys helping as much as they can but in most cases narcissistic/sociopath abusers are often very wealthy, which is true in my case. He has many more resources and unfortunately in this world money talks.
Again I appreciate any help anyone can lend me.
I had the same problem. dated a girl for 4 years. At first she was VERY flirtatious, she was dating my friend at the time. That same night, we were all sleeping on the floor, and her hand met mine, not by accident either. Next morning, her man was in the shower, and she kissed me and gave me her email. So naturally within a few weeks i get this message, saying she is sick and dying, she did have type 1 diabieties. So i drove 2 hours to see her, and spent my last $20 on fuel. i get there and i see her housemate just sitting there! i knew in my heart she was playing me, but i gave in. the weeks and months went by, she started giving me the 'cold shoulder' always blaming me, and saying i had mental health issues, but only when i 'drank' and whenever i d id something for myself, the same cold shoulder and negative attitude came along. I kept going to dr's and getting myself 'fixed' and they all said the same thing, i was depressed. Long story short i moved in with this woman, and oh lordy lord, how the crap started. the day we moved in, the house had to be 'her' way. and her sisters way. they are both narcissists. Regardless that i was paying half the bills, as one should, her sister would often tell me 'this is maddisons house' im like ummm..ok... so the years went on, the abuse was so random from her, she would randomly attack me over nothing, or mumble smart comments in my general direction. When i told her i have aspergers syndrome, oh..she must have done her homework. she knew EXACTLY how to get to me. More months went on, i called it quits one night, and just left. she sent me all this hate, saying how she never wanted to see me again. weeks later, guess who is at my doorstop, some 3 hours away from where she lived. maddison. So i gave in. we made love during that time, and i thought she had figured some things out about herself. wrong. weeks later she stayed over,we made love again. The next day, she goes home and invites me to a science fair thing. I say yes. Then the message comes about how she had a miscarriage, and she was upset and bleeding.etc. I believed her! then i saw her the next morning for our 'date' and nothing wrong with her! AT ALL! considering she had type 2 diabeties and was on the depo needle, and dr said she cant have kids, and we never got pregnant in 3 years, my mind realized it was an attention thing. sure enough she fell back into her narcissistic pattern. Lots of things happened during the next year. i found myself living in a caravan park, just to be close to her. I was a pathetic little man for doing so. she gave me a 'pep' talk about how she had to help me get groceries by driving me to the store. I had no car, no job, no nothing. gave up my friends and my life for this woman. at the end of it all, i find out she is cheating, she denied it, said i was paranoid. Then she got SUPER demanding, needed my every attention. She came home 'sick' one morning to my new unit i had just gotten months earlier. went to the docs, guess what? she has herpes. she had gone away to her sisters place that weekend. it all made sense. stupid me STILL cared for this woman. By christmas, she 'called it off' and said she had a bottle of vodka under her bed, and she was going to drink it, and drive off some mountain. i said do it. met a beautiful woman and have a lovely daughter now, and nice things, and a nice home. it took me 6 years to fix my life, and get out of depression! please! if you smell a narcissist..RUN! plenty of girls out there. dont get caught in the web! these girls DO NOT CARE! Alot more went on. 4 years of abuse! she has married some other guy, and he does not seem that 'bright' but he has money, and does as she wants obviously, and i have a feeling he is the one she cheated on me with. considering i found out, he lived in the same suburb just around the corner.
Its the complete lack of Empathy that gets me. After just over 2 years together, doing a house up then wham its over.! Wrote a letter to explain my thoughts, feelings & just trying to actually make sense of where / when it all went so wrong. The SMS reply "I hope its healing, ie my heart". Been months now & finally coming out of a dark place. Yep we can all have our hearts broken, feel sad, lonely, miserable, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Why would you not give..you love them right.? & they are surely going to give that back, WRONG.! They will try to control every single part of your life given the chance & will try to destroy you when they see your are no use to them. Once you see these Red flags do not ignore them, that's your gut-feeling telling you something is seriously wrong, but your heart says it will be OK..Forget it & as Gumps girlfriend said "Run, Forest Run...!!!". They will do what ever it takes & trust me you will feel completely sideswiped, like being hit by a Train when they deliver the killer blow...IT'S OVER. I had the silent treatment for a week then Boom...! All the hard work effort, counts for nothing, you are no longer required. Then told, "Who wants a Women of my age with 2 kids"... Errr the guy sitting in front you with his jaw wide open & tongue rolled out staring in disbelief you could actually come out with that comment not with standing the Machete poking out of my chest after being driven straight through one's heart. Walked around in a haze for months ..why..? You will never be given the clarity of a real explanation to try & make sense of it. Rebuild & share a life with someone who will give it back. You cannot second guess these people. Just accept it, as hard as it is, try to forgive them, strange that I can actually write that now but its all part of healing / making YOUR LIFE better for the future & being ready to accept someone else back into your life without any baggage. We all have our faults of course & your self-esteem takes a battering. Also on the No contact rule.! DO IT, completely cut off on all fronts, mobile, face-book, twitter, ditch anything that reminds you of that person, gifts, playlists, clothes, aftershave, perfume, delete pictures even though you think they will come back & I need them YOU DO NOT. Never send drunken, late nights SMS. I did once & Bang got both barrels which on reflection I deserved, then you feel even worse...like they should be hurting not me & the real laughable one... WHY ME..!! Cause they saw you coming that's why you donut..!! Seek no vengeance it will only harm you in the long Run. Keep your dignity, take it on the chin & learn from it. Also a tip here: When you challenge them over something, stick up for yourself & if the reaction is a full on explosion, then within minutes they break down & cry, just wait another 10 mins, forget the please forgive me / I am sorry, & if its as though nothing had actually happened & you have experienced this more than a few times WALK. The one & only thing Narcissist people cannot accept is being ignored themselves. They can easily do it to others. You will never fix them ever, they will only take from you. I am not bitter just thank full, even though future plans had been made, that I have a chance to live a life hopefully with someone who wants to share it without any hidden agenda. .
Yes relationships are all about sharing, just keep something back for you, cause one day your going to need it.
Remember its your life just learn the signs & do 180 degrees in the opposite direction. RUN,FOREST,RUN..REMEMBER IT..;-)
Well, this has been shocking. Married for 20 years, hell for most of it. Didn't know that this type of "classification of narcissist" existed, but lived it.
17 out of the 20 are clear yes answers, three were sometimes. She eventually turned into a drug addict and almost destroyed everything. I know that addicts are typically narcissists and that makes sense given the psychological traits on here. Well just applied the no contact rule again. This time it's over for good. Onward through the fog....
I am about to puke and I'm a tough guy. I just discovered this blog yesterday. My wife has around 10 of these traits and I have 2 children with her. I didn't sleep half the nite after reading that it's more than I ever thought. The worse is the lack of empathy and concern as my life is merely a side dish to hers. I noticed it after the first month, then repeat, repeat and repeat. There's not a brand she won't wear or Botox shot she won't get. And the worse, it's all hidden for only me and my family's eyes to see. Now what! Shttttt.
If it's any consolation to those who are kicking themselves because they feel like they "should have known better" than to put up with narcissistic abuse, I may be eligible for "poster child" status. I am a psychotherapist who was recently kicked to the curb by my bubbly,beautiful,sweet,charming now ex-wife of 27 years (also a psychotherapist). We'd been together a total of 29 1/2 years after meeting and working together for 6 months before we started dating. We even had a practice together and did co-therapy with couples.
To make matters even worse for me (as far as beating myself up), I had over the 24 years of having my own private practice taken a special interest in studying personality disorders. I would say studying object relations theory (often applied in attempting to treat personality disorders) is the equivalent of calculus, and some of my colleagues would call me for consultation when dealing with their "tough" or "confusing" cases.
Now that my ex has abruptly and cruelly discarded me, I realize I had been trapped (by myself really)in a very long up and down cycle of idealization followed by devaluation and then back to idealization throughout the course of our relationship. In a way, it's kind of fascinating (and sad) for me to look back and see how I was able to rationalize and excuse my ex's bad behavior - which as indicated in many of the posts on this site - were usually saved for private moments when she was alone with me. If she wasn't blaming me for her mercurial outbursts and cheap shots when I least would have expected them, I was blaming myself just to hold our family together.
The final sadistic discard started for me when my ex stopped drinking and started going to AA 3 years ago. Then about 1 1/2 years ago, a male neighbor (also an AA member) started showing up at our barn to help my ex-wife clean her horse stalls...and by the way, I invested about $250K of my inheritance in a small horse farm for "us" and office for our practice. Then I noticed that he started picking her up and taking her to meetings. Of course, I was reassured that they were "just friends". So basically she had an affair and basically rubbed it in my face.
Then in November of 2014 - she supposedly got her hormones adjusted and experienced a heightened sex drive. We were literally having sex every day for 3 months. Since she was "loving it" and we had had many periods of sexual drought (which would often be blamed on me for not being "connected" enough emotionally with my ex), I went with it. Then after 3 months of the best sex we'd ever had, my ex abruptly tells me that she wants a separation and that she was trying to make me love her the way she needed to be loved. Of course, I never could meet her love standard. I now realize that she was manipulating my emotions as she readied herself for sadistic glee as she dropped me abruptly and very hard on my head.
I never would have guessed that my sweet and beautiful wife (an therapist on top of that) would tell our kids things like "I married your Dad because I felt sorry for him" and "Your father is demeaning to women."
Then she really showed me how mean and cruel she could be when she arranged to have me involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital. If that's not bad enough, she called the police on our 20 year old son for voicing his displeasure with her behavior and he was committed the same week I was. What are the odds of 2 people from the same family with no significant psychiatric history being hospitalized in the same week? I wouldn't think the probability would be very high. I'd had a pretty sedate and predictable life until recently, but now I think I might be "Jerry Springer" material. For those who are getting out sooner than I did, consider yourself fortunate!
For those who, like i have been a victim. Looking back, we've remembered things that were a little "off." Hopefully the next time we will trust our senses.
For those who have been host to a human parasite, we noticed things that were a little "off" but taken one at a time meant nothing. From now on let's trust ourselves. Narcissistic/ socio/ psycho people rush in giving gifts, helping with problems to become necessary. Thia is to move in before the empath asseses the situation,
Will try and make this brief. I came out of 20yr relationship. Met stunning woman. Married twice by 31 now 37. Convincing about not being responsible for any of the break-ups. First two months great - was sucked in by someone who clearly knew what they wanted. Love, attention and a conventional relationship.
As soon as she knew i had fallen in love things changed. I was emotionally bullied and persistently blamed for my feelings. I was never considered. She goes out dancing (latin dancing) with everything showing and i was all of a sudden controlling. I however was not allowed to go to and have a few drinks with friends. I would cry and it would be as though i want there in terms of her empathy. I used to clean her house to please her but all I got was "thats not what i need". I would bring flowers but hardly s gesture of gratitude. She would make me feel empowered in the bedroom and that was her hook.
She bullied me. Constantly finishing with me and making me beg. Insulting my values and my opinion of wrong vs right. 16/20 of the above point resonate, We were in a hotel room once in a dodgy area and she threatened to leave after a huge argument sparked by me telling her she doesn't have to flaunt her breasts to get attention when she is so beautiful and I pulled her away from the door and ended up on top of her on the bed. She said get off me and i said i will but not after either i get another room. I will pay for another room for you or we stay together. I felt responsible - it was 2am. She got off and from that moment i was physically abusive.
My weakness is that i got so hurt when she regularly dumped me thinking my world had ended that I text the most awful things - like an outpouring. No threats just character assassination. When we finally finished she called the police claiming emotional abuse.
My problem is because i of her and find the separation periods so dark, low and almost suicidal
that I have become a self doubter, lacking in confidence and a shadow of my former self.
I was with a narcissist for just over a year and have been away from her now 10 months , it was the best thing i had ever done because i know i would have commuted suicide , cold ,heartless, no empathy , manipulative and a monster , the best thing about leaving her was knowing that would never see her again even though i was madly in love with her , she still texts now trying to get me to meet her but no chance , no man frightens me but that woman is soul destroying i feel for all people out there putting up with it , its hard when you love someone but fuck sake get out while you can
What I can say to people who are already here is - heal yourself and hopefully you have learned. But tell anyone who will listen to trust their instincts, we all had are necks tingle in the beginning but couldn't put it together. So without naming names just advise other Empaths how this works.
Same thing happened to my brother RIP sorry to hear your sad story too,
Stay well clear men!! There seems I be a lot of them out there....
Wow....wow...and wow.... I could've written all these replies but anonymous 8:57pm, you nailed it with the silent treatment comment
I can see your true colours now...I fitted exactly what you needed!You knew that it would drive your ex crazy,The first 3-4 months when we were just friends (fwb) I wondered why you couldn't just tell him straight out, Your answer was he didn't deserve to know, keeping him at an arms length, I was staying over most night, I didn't mind your excuses and that everyone was staying out, after work you would ask if I needed anything? as I started to fall for you, it was kinda scary, because I didn't kno if I had given you enough time, Telling you how I felt and wanted to make something more of it because we had spent so much time together after your ankle. Suddenly you were out every weekend, having the same fight with your ex.. but we always ended up at one of our houses, I guess you knew I was hooked,
I guess you had enough of him,
I always thought you were naive, looking back I was the naive one, I fell for all your truth bending, the way you would lie but not make your self look bad, batted them eye lashes, got anything you wanted, blocking him out of your life was your only option you said, I guess having all them options would give you anxiety and stressSo when I checked your phone 2 months later, his number wasn't blocked anymore,
But as usual It was turned back on me,, I was the worst person in the world for looking at it,
walking in your house one day and being called Mr Tuesday by your mums partner isn't the best feeling in the world,, telling me we didn't go out enough, I asked when are u free next and it wasn't for 3 weeks, shows where I stood in your life, you would plan to go out on the weekend, then come Saturday at work, you were sick and tired giving me the impression you couldn't be fuked,Then by that night you were fine to go out all night, and say I should come at the last minute, knowing its to too late to organise to go out, I was the Monday to Friday boyfriend, I see where my addictions started to take place. and then after staying the night,when I went home to get some shit done around the house, you said "you know 40 guys that would love to be laying in bed all morning..you would always have a story about someone giving u there number at work, or police following you to ask you on dates I asked what's with all the selfies on Instagram don't I give you enough attention? with all them random guys liking and commenting. when i questioned why some guy asked "where his invite was to come over? it was my fault that day because i was rude for hanging up the phone, being at work and couldn't really hear you..
I Felt a little bit of distance because my problems had got worse, I could tell you a millions little things that make u who you are, your routines, I was there when your life was at its lowest, and u couldn't even tell when i was down, sad,The up and downs feelings you gave me, hurt.. breaking up at the start of uni exams was perfect for u, knowing I knew how important they meant to you, that I would give u space to study,
You had 3 weeks off leading into them, and didn't study once, never had a minute for me, come exams it was my fault you hadn't gotten on top of things, because of our break up,t was funny you wanted to see me, when u needed something, it was funny that i said i had a date, and Suddenly you were hurt crying waving your arms around. I went and got a brand new iPhone for you, if you txt me, and i didn't write back, you would check to see if I blocked you and prank me,
Supporting you all year with uni, knowing what it means to you after your condition kept you from your first course, i copped the 15 texts about it everyday,
And you go celebrate with out me,
Blocking me on Facebook and Insta, giving me ups and downs, Sleeping with me the night before you went to Hong Kong, and you saying, fuk them I don't care what they think, when u got back, u didn't wanna see me every again,I,
rude for hanging up the phone, being at work and couldn't really hear you..
I Felt a little bit of distance becauseyou a millions little things that make u who you are, your routines, I was there when your life was u couldn't even tell when i was down, sad,The up and downs feelings you gave me, hurt.. breaking up at the start of uni exams was perfect for u, knowing I knew how important they meant to you, that I would give u space to study,You had 3 weeks off leading into them, and didn't study once, never had a minute for me, come exams it was my fault you hadn't gotten on top of things, because of our break up,t was funny you wanted to see me, when u needed something, it was funny that i said i had a date, and Suddenly you were hurt crying waving your arms around. I went and got a brand new iPhone for you, if you txt me, and i didn't write back, you would check to see if I blocked you and prank me,
Supporting you all year with uni, knowing what it means to you after your condition kept you from your first course, i copped the 15 texts about it everyday,
And you go celebrate with out me,
Blocking me on Facebook and Insta, giving me ups and downs, Sleeping with me the night before you went to Hong Kong, and you saying, fuk them I don't care what they think, when u got back, u didn't wanna see me every again,I didn't understand why, I searched my soul and a thought my problems hurt us That workedout perfect you, All I wanted to do was talk and show you how special you were to me,
But you snobbed me for 3 days,The pain of missing you, blaming myself for all this, was too much, I wanted the nightmare to end ,, The police giving me an ivo, and you saying yes, broke me again you unblocked me on Facebook,I sent an a Christmas txt too you and the family, how you can just be so cold and not worry about anyone but your self
I started seeing a psychiatrist, my mental state was fuked, and you came and made sure my heart was stomped on one last time. a week goes by, you contact me saying u have no one to talk too, and you have been missing me...where the fuk were you when I needed answers, so I invite you over if u felt like a chat u even come back that night, laying in my arms saying how hard it is to be with someone else, and u loved me, missed me, just practiced making babies for 2 hours.. I new it wasn't good for me. but I was never gonna take it like we were perfect, I don't run when things get hard, I new I couldn't have you choosing when u wanted to be in and out of my life, not with what I'm fighting everyda, I msg you asking how things were, and 2 days later write back saying u never had a spare few minutes to reply,,I risk my ass when you needed a friend ,,I asked to see you, and suddenly you couldn't, didn't wanna know me again, called the police I get charged with 6 breaches when in stead you could of just said the real reason we couldn't be anything anymore!The police said I should get one against you to protect my self if u try again,you tell the court how much U hate me and want nothing to do with me,
but y
I I didn't understand why, I searched my soul and blamed my problems for us,
That worked out perfect you,
All I wanted to do was talk. But you snobbed me for 3 days,
The pain of missing you, blaming myself for all this, was too much, I was wanted it to end, The police giving me an ivo, and you saying yes, made me cry in court,
again you unblocked me on Facebook,
I sent an a Christmas txt too you and the family, and txt you where my head was at, I started seeing a psychiatrist, after a week goes by, you contact me saying u have no one to talk too, and you have been missing me...
so I invite you over if you felt like chatting, u even come back that night, laying in my arms saying how hard it is to be with someone else, and u loved me, missed me, just practiced making babies for 2 hours.. I new it wasn't good for me, but we all aren't selfish ppl,,I couldn't let you down, I new I couldn't have you choosing when u wanted to be in and out of my life,
I msg you asking how things were, and 2 days later write back saying u never had a spare few minutes to reply,,
that's so degrading,,I asked to see you, and suddenly you couldn't didn't wanna know me again, called the police I get charged with 6 breathe, when in stead you could of just said the real reason we couldn't be anything anymore!
The police said I should get one against you to protect my self if u try again,
you tell the court how much U hate me and want nothing to do with me,
but your fighting my ivo against you?
What just incase the new bf doesn't work out, u can contact me and spin some crap
I'm so fuked happy that u have some one week after we last sleep together, it shows your true colours,, and i can block all your lies out now, it's sad because i do miss you at the start, but then I don't think thats you. you didn't speak to your mum for 6 months (silent treatment)
you had some old guy giving you money every week, bigger and bigger amounts, a watch, then he tried to give u a car,
Then all of a sudden, he was a creep,
Shaun went crazy for some unknown reason, you pushed me so close to the edge, and I witness first hand how you treated your ex..Im lucky for the mates and family that I have, the funny thing is none of them really judge you..unlike the way I have been treated, you must tell me one thing and tell them the opposite! keep the dildo and go fuk your self
sexting & contacting multiples 2nd year on during times when i was either asleep or not present
caught sexting naked pics with bedroom secrets to ex boyfriend 3 months prior to break .. mms messaged ex 3 times during relationship
verbal abuse: during 3rd & final year
"your not worth financial convienience" "your going to grow to be a short fat old man" "no one else will ever love you" "you wont find a woman as beautiful as me" "your hobby is an embarrasment" "you really dont understand women" "your fault i didnt orgasm because your not doing it right" "clean freak" ...critisized physical appearance,beliefs,habbits
failed to adequately contribute financialy to relationship complaining lack of funds whilst accumulating rental & occupational income..becoming resentful when asked to contribute to at least half the mortgage and outing expenses.
failed to discipline children in particular her vebally , emotionaly and physicaly abusive teen daughter
failed to maintain reasonable cleanliness of childrens enviroments leaving me to clean the soiled clothing from their rooms
failed to assist in cleanliness of household on a periodic occasion preffering to go out either on her own or with children or dog
Gaslighting: i dont remember saying that, i dont remember doing that during 3rd & final year
habitual lying
almost weekly drunkeness during 3rd & final years during which most of the abuse took place
witheld affection & sex during 3rd & final years despite my communication of dissatisfaction she failed to make the effort to communicate why
cheating with at least 2 possibly multiples..admitted to 1 over 6 month period during final year of relationship.. once cornered became defensive and argumentive when questioned about details of the affair claiming if i was asking questions then i had not forgiven her.. i had chosen to forgive her for my bennifit despite her not asking for it..
failed to ask for forgiveness for any of the above..showed no remorse or regret..no empathy..no tears ever..and no apology..she did however say upon breaking up ..." im confused & dont know what i want" "you never know what may happen in future" " im dissapointed in myself & dont know whats wrong with me" " that she was not happy she hurt me" "that she understood what she did was wrong & should not have done it"
When asked why she did any of the above her reply was " i dont know"
I was with a narcissist for eight months. In the beginning she was extremely sweet. We laughed, we talked, we coulnd't spend a moment apart. She seemed like this really kind caring loving good girl. Then the lies started. I began calling her out on the lies. She would give me the silent treatment, guilt trips, blame shifts, whole nine yards. She would text me saying "I can't seem to stop crying". Two minutes later i'd be on the phone with her and she would sound as though nothing had ever happened. She would look at me with contempt(google contempt facial expression) and make sarcastic comments directed towards me with the intention of insulting. Over time, she began dressing like a porn star. I then found out how much of a freak she was ( which is fine but she hid it from me) She eventually told me that she had fantasies of being raped. Her kind personality soon deminished and I eventually saw the lack of empathy. She lied ALL THE TIME! She was on meth when we first met, and later on told me she was addicted to opiates. In the beginning she was very giving. I was broke with no job, she paid for everything. She gave me stuff and bought me stuff. So this is where it got confusing for me. Was she really a narcissist? She had no problem sharing. However, one time on the phone she suggested that I steal my friends $100 and pretend that it was stolen. She later on insisted this was a joke, but I knew that it was not. She even asked me "would that be bad"? and when I told her I thought she was wierd because of it she got embarrased and said "don't make me feel wierd about it...". She never owned up to that and swore it was a joke. She faked tears and even told me she could do it. She did these god awful fake frowns. One day I said to her, "is that a fake frown?" she replied, "no its not a fake frown.. well I guess people don't go around frowning like that." Later on I told her she was a narcissist. She tried to guilt trip me saying oh i see how you think i am, fake frowns, etc etc.. i'm like.. yea.. fake frowns.. shortly after 2-3 days of the silent treatment I broke up with her. I text her a picture of a fake frown I made and said it was over. To this day I go back in forth in my mind.. was she really a narcissist? Am I the narc? Did she love me? She did love me. She didn't love me. Back and forth.. I believe she did love me and that her ill mind is what came between us. I believe it was the meth that ruined her mind. I caught her in the early stages of the illness I believe. I honestly believe she was my soulmate. The drugs ruined everything. I still love her. I do question from time to time if she ever loved me. IT's a vicious cycle. I'll never forget her. As fake as she was, when it was good, it was the best times of my life.
My mother & sister are narcissists. After my dad was gone, as my mother was seeking her next victim it became unbearable. I spent 10 years being put down, lied to & about, insulted, etc, etc, etc. What is worse than being married to or dating one is having one as a mother. Imagine a mother with no compassion or empathy and insults often. It took me over a decade to heal after my mother left me at 16 for her 3rd victim. Please do not procreate with a narcissist the damage to children can be devastating! I am in my mid 30's & just was informed by my cousin (male) who moved up to be closer to family that she was talking bad about me constantly??? There is no reason for it other than for attention & sympathy as I barely interact with her to minimize my stress. Even with cancer she still plays games when she's not in treatment and feels better, its sad really.
Good luck to all who get sucked in.
Hi Robbie...im sorry to hear your story. I am keen to know if there is a link to Female Narcissists and a Psychology career? My ex-N is a Psychology graduate and so is my friend's (soon to be ex-wife) ex-N. Both extremely charming (I knew my friends N for most of my life and never seen anything but charm and deceincy) but extremely manipulative and ruthless. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated....thanks Robbie
I married a narcissist wife with all traits mention. If you can get out do so. Please don't hesitate for a moment. These women are evil. Please don't let them destroy you. That's there goal. They will make you believe that you are at fault. Don't believe or trust them in any way. These women are destroyers of people. They are adultress who need attention all the time. Believe me when I say that they are thieves of peoples lives. if you are getting abused in any way please seek help.
I am with a narcissist now. I cannot leave her because of the children. I cannot bear the thought of leaving them with her. She is every bit a narcissist. They are the biggest liers. When I met my wife o believed her to be a good woman and Christian. I believed everything she told me including loving me. She was like an angel after we got married things started to change little by little . She wanted total control. If she didn't get what she wanted all he'll would break loose. After the emotional abuse came then violence. She then started to dress like a tramp and flitt with males drinking and so on. It took a lot diging to find who I married. Now this who I married a lyer manipulator, abuser, and slut. I found out that she has been sleeping around with a few men but when confronted she would lye and deceive make you feel like it's your fault. I gather some much evidence from all the men and she still denies it. Now she's chasing young men till make her better.I hide all this from my children but I know the day will come when all truth will come out. Please don't believe a narcissist they will make your life miserable. I started to dig up her past and it every bit sick. I met a couple of her ex boyfriends and they told me the same things and that she would sleep around all the time. Please guys be careful.
Try having a kid with one...that is another hell all unto itself. Thankfully I got out of the relationship...she never let me leave, EVER!! She would always back me into a corner and beat me up physically as well as emotionally. Luckily after 4 years (which seemed like a lifetime) a friend came over and I sent her to her parents house in front of him (embarrassing her I am sure) and as I sit almost free (she tries to dictate how I raise my daughter) I feel horrid for my daughter is still in that hell.
Correction you should head for the hills at 100 mph not 60 mph
I just recently split up with my narcissist girl friend after 2 years of off and on struggle 5 weeks ago...I have read the article and all the comments, and I can't believe how many people are dealing with similar b.s.
My ex fits the description of this crazy behavior, she is: an actress/model, she often lies, manipulates, and accuses me of being in the wrong all the time. I constantly put myself in a position to give and support her in all that she does and I never receive acknowledgement or praise for my efforts. She sucks me dry emotionally and constantly seeks attention from any source that is willing to give. She never takes responsibility for her actions and she never reciprocates what she is given.
I just hope I can be strong enough to resist her if she attempts to contact me again. She is a jacked up piece of work!!!
These people are not easy to identify as they glorify you to get you in their web. Then its the two of you against the world so you then start to think they are your best friend. You are not, you are their means of getting their own ego stroked. If you don't agree with them they get nasty. They are very clever at getting people to think they are sincere and caring, when it's just a means to get power. They are good at getting people to open up to them but are simply collecting souls. Start telling them how wonderful someone else is and watch them leave the conversation. Start talking about yourself when they have already hooked you in and see the conversation ends. They are vain and always play the victim. They tend to spend a lot of money on themselves, treating themselves but try getting a drink or coffee from them. They make small investments in you for big returns. They sulk and always have something wrong. A sore foot, knee, headache, tired anything for attention. The main danger is they play hero to people who know you both and no one believes you when say they are dodgy as the have already invested in YOUR friends. One way to deal with them is walk away, avoid or just dismiss them.
I am the female victim of a narcisstic mother's (my own birth mother) abuse.
All of my life, she has attempted to draw attention to herself, claiming that my father and my younger sister and i, were all a waste of space. She had constant disagreements with her older sister and their mother, and my aunty's daughter. She also had opinions on my father's brother and his wife, and my father's stepmother, even going so far as to alienate my father from his own family. Because of the way my mother carried on about them, I never really got to know any of them. It was never her that was bad - it was them and only them, though they were successful and she was not. I figure it was sheer jealousy and spite on my mother's part.
Whilst I was growing up, my mother treated me like a slave. She would sit in her lounge chair, which I look back on now and think of it as her throne, where she would bark orders day in and day out. Heaven forbid if she should lift a finger to do every day chores. It was left up to my sister and I to clean the house and do all the chores, and if it wasn't done perfectly to her standards, she would screech at us at the top of her lungs and actually bash us until we had bruises all over our bodies (I always copped the full brunt of it moreso than my younger sister - which I can only put it down to my mother, my father, and my sister all being the youngest sibling in each family unit), and even now I have it that heavily ingrained in my psyche that I should wear long sleeved and long legged clothes all year around to hide the now long healed yet still rememberable abuse. As a result, even now when I am a grown adult (early 30s) I have no self esteem whatsoever because of the years of abuse (mental, emotional, physical, and sometimes sexual) endured at her hands.
My mother has very few friends now, and when she is with them she puts on a continual act of being sicker than all of them, in an attempt to make them feel sorry for her.
She also belittles them behind their back to others as though none of them are any good compared to her.
My mother constantly complains that she has no money coming in now that my father has retired from his 35+ year job, stating every time I see her that they have several thousand dollars worth of bills to pay each month, yet she doesn't rectify it by actually saving. Instead she takes my father along with her on all these expensive boat cruises and caravaning holidays, not to fail to mention all the expensive outfits she purchases and is now a heavy hoarder as a result of buying unnecessarily and not cleaning house or anything that a normal person would do. But she will never change or want to change.
I attempt to avoid her as much as possible, and never visit her on my own, always opting to take my partner with me as a means of protection (he has encountered her wrathe several times too in the 14 and a half years we have been together, but at least he is a lot mentally stronger than what I am, and knows how to handle her kind - that of an evil narcissist).
To this day, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, as well as 2 ocds and an ocsd, caused by the years of torture at my narcissistic mother's hands, not to mention having attempted numerous obviously failed suicides as a means of escaping the abuse.
I am a 51 year old professional that slowly started a relationship with my neighbors sister. It started in April when I got her to work on the community theater show I was on back stage. We slowly started to date, and when the show was over we got serious. She started to "love bomb" me with texts in the am and pm at bed time wishing me sweet dreams. She told me and my friends that I UNDERSTAND her. I had the time of my life from July-Aug. Then she came back from a trip to see her family and she shut me off. We kept dating in hopes things would get back. She gaslighted me and humiliated me. She cried a lot when I tried to share my feelings but these were ALL FAKE! I went ahead and blocked her on facebook as well as my phone. She will come back for Hoovering.
It was too good to be true! I did everything right but she has NPD. I am so glad it was only 2 months!
As I look back in retrospect she is damaged goods! NOTHING can fix that!!!
Those are the kind of women that many of us men have to run for our life.
Amen. My girl didn't have the physical N traits, but she was batting .1000 on the personality side. She had zero empathy, was never in tune with my sexual emotions and displayed no respect. If I tried to add to her wishes, dreams, or fantasies, she would immediately discount me and her own thoughts would no longer be appealing, because I interjected. She only got off on her thoughts and never wanted to know mine, unless they were to back her up when she needed support. And speaking of fantasies, her world was one big one. Nothing realistic about her at all, or genuine. And the other big problem, and I will finally lay this to rest, was her infidelity. Weather it was physical or mental, she was a whore. Always sexting and flirting with other men and actually meeting a few behind my back. She only had one girlfriend, but many guy friends who she said were just friends.....an immediate red flag. If anyone out there has just the slightest doubt weather you are dating a N female, trust that gut and turn around and run as fast as you can.
I consider these women such Losers anyway.
Yes! You definitely will know. My mother is one, as well as a female cousin...as a female, I ended up with a few of these as "friends". Men definitely are victimized as much as women.
It was so interesting to me to read these comments. I'm married, currently in divorce proceedings with a male sociopath. Having very little experience with men outside of my sick perverse marriage, I had just assumed for years that men didn't express emotions. I did know that most physicians, which is my spaths occupation, didn't come home and beat their wives up. On a funnier note my sister and I would agree with the poster who believes horse lovers are red flags. Wish you all the best in your recovery and those who are in divorce proceedings. As piece of advice which has worked for me in divorce court is strike first (just like your spath did on a daily basis) If you wait, you will be in a defensive posture. My spath is currently being hurled motion after motion he is in full narcissistic rage mode in court, for all to see.
Not all female narcissists are obvious overbearing Alpha types. The greatest number of them I have found are passive-aggressive. They use the kind gentle front ask a mask and a weapon, and they are far more destructive that the obvious Alpha female.
Wow, reading all of this makes me wonder, how many murder suicides were actually a guy married to some psycho bitch and he finally snapped!! Don't ever marry one and move to the Pacific Northwest,unless you smoke weed, because that;s the only thing that will make her even remotely bearable. Crazy bitch, jealous of billboards? Newspapers, magazines? Now she hangs with loser mongols. Funny, she knows that my family and friends don't give a fuck about them and have more power too. last thing I told her was , "I feel sorry for you, cause your mom didn't love you, cause she was messed up. So now you will never know love, how it feels, and how to give it." she hates that. Plus she sucked in bed, and not in a good way either.
My ex had 90% of the traits of NPD. She is a very attractive woman. She went on about being raped in the past when the focus was not centered around her. She did not report this incident to the police. I have friends that have been raped and all of them reported it. Many male friends, one close female friend. She would cry to get what she wanted, but I called her on it. She would admit to crying for attention and so on but it wouldnt be long before she would cry it up again. Overly concerned with her appearance. Constantly needing to be told she was beautiful. Asking to be told she was beautiful. Jealous of other beautiful women. She is vegan(I believe for attention). She is from a wealthy family who told her she was an 'accident'.
When I read the above comments regarding horse loving narcissists my face went red and my jaw dropped. Her parents would pay for boarding her horse in high school, through university and well into her 30s. She was pretty rough with her beautiful beauvais dog on walks, choking and pulling the poor dog when It appeared the dog was doing nothing wrong.
I grew up with this woman and got along with her really well. She dated my good friend is high school and really messed him up(i thought his issues were from other sources). I lived on the other side of the country when we started talking about dating. She would visit me and I would visit her. Eventually I moved back to her area close to where we grew up and really loved this woman to do so. I gave up alot to make the move... It went sour very quickly,...three months. I don't pretend to be perfect. I am so grateful I did not have a child with my ex. Thank you all for posting your experiences, I don't feel quite the sorrow as i did before. I wish you all well.
14 out of 14 in my case. Two months since the break-up of the relationship and although at times I find myself curious as to why I ever got myself in such a situation, why I continued so long in remaining in the off again/on again relationship for three plus years, and how many other men have had narcissistic partners the over-riding curiosity to me at this point is why she continues to contact me and now try to be friends.
More than anything else I'm mystified after all the supposed issues she had with me, the hateful screaming phone calls, texts, e-mails, and voice mails why she's still aggressively reaching out to me. I've even managed to be hung out for all my short-comings on her social media pages from what I have been told.....yet as recent a 10 days ago, and after blocking her calls so she can't text or call me she continues to try and draw me into conversation.
My partner of 2 years show all these issues along with drinking a couple of bottles of wine a day, and being a compulsive lieyer along with sending strange guys naked pictures of her self.
Im glad im out of that world of hers yes i also dodged a bullet
No...you are NOT alone......I'm still trying to make myself truly believe that it wasn't me.....because she sure makes me feel that way....and has for over a year now
YES!! So glad I came here. Now I know that I made the right choice. I just broke up with my GF who had all of these traits. She kept cchasing me off and on for 2 years but I kept my distance thinking that something was off with this woman. But I finally gave in and it was bliss for about 5 months and then she started getting real flaky with the head games. I wasted no time in getting away from her. The only thing that I regret was bringing my 7 year old son around her. He really warmed up to her. I've learned to be more careful about who I bring my son around from now on.
I too like most people on this site dated what I now know was a narcissist.
We dated for exactly 1 year. Things were ok for a while, I then picked up the odd disparaging comment, I called her out about some of these they cooled down. After my father died when I needed support the vitriol really kicked in, I did not know what was happening to me, I was an emotional basket case. She did not seem to care although she told me she did.
One year down the line I am doing ok but still have to pinch myself to wake up when I start to wonder if it was as bad as that, could I have done anything differently. Thing was I really fell in love with this woman. Her own brother said to me many months later that I had had a very lucky escape.
If any of you begin to wonder take my advice, remember what really happened, how shit you allowed them to make you feel, they treated us like we were the shit off the bottom of their shoes, Why ? because they could.
The best advice I ever read was from "Tiny Buddah" the phrase was "When someone shows you what they are believe them first time"
Sadly I would have been in no condition to implement the advice,if I had it at the time.
To all those in Narc Recovery, power to us all we will survive and thrive, our ex's punishment is to never change and be themselves for the rest of their lives.Regards from a Survivor
Dear Anonymous #1
When she told you, 'I can't give you what you need or deserve', do you think she was trying to escape a relationship she didn't want to be in? I wonder what the power dynamics were in this case? You have described yourself as being highly committed to maintaining the relationship - or was it simply a romantic ideal that may have served your interests? What did she want? Was that respected? Is it reasonable to consider the possibility that you were emotionally invested in a relationship that was internally constructed by you and existed only in your mind? The reason why I make these suggestions is not because I expect they will ring true (I don't know you) but because I once used these words to create distance between myself and another person who 'refused to give up' for months and months. He was in a senior position and one of influence, so it was quite stressful for me. After I tried a number of strategies to 'disengage', I blew hot and cold - in part from frustration, in part from anger and in part from anxiety. I was afraid of upsetting him, and for good reason. He kept saying that he saw something special in me, he refused to give up, he would treat me so well if I just gave him a chance, he would never do anything to hurt me no matter how things went for us. To make matters worse, he would confide in other senior people about how I was making him miserable or screwing him around. He appeared to characterise me as some type of temptress. The one constant thing about this person was that he was constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY seeking sympathy from women. He told me (and so many other people) about how he was bullied at school, how none of the girls liked him at uni and he couldn't understand why. I found a lot of our conversations insulting because he assumed I needed help with things that I didn't; that I was lacking in intelligence and independent problem-solving ability. He would say things like, 'you are so independent!, 'you are 'staunchly independent, aren't you?'. I would think, well, to a degree. I mostly want your respect, buddy! But I never got that. Sadly, this person who claimed to be 'in love' with me, never really got to know me. When he didn't get what he wanted from the 'relationship', this middle-aged person got 20 something year old's in my workplace to engage in malicious gossip and slander - attacking me professionally, emotionally, physically and intellectually. I am now unemployed and have lost any confidence I had. But this person is still doing his 'poor me' routine and he has his followers. He has accused me of being a narcissist because I am somewhat attractive and like to dress well (Isn't that having a healthy self-esteem?); due to his (unwanted) investment in me not paying off and my rebuffing/rejection of him as lacking in empathy. Extraordinary. A woman is entitled to her own opinions and making her own choices. To make matters worse, this guy is a 'male feminist' with professional qualifications in psychology. Damn!
Unfortunately, it is very rare for a narcissist to get better. When they do go to a therapist, it usually to learn how to "fix" others not themselves. They are incapable of seing their own faults.
Ditto to everything here mostly the stonewalling and silent treatment and always turned tables and blamed me and I believed it for 12 years and wanted engagement ring to not wear it or give it back ,,,,they leave when u st and up for yourself or walk away and she never cared no matter how much pain she caused,,,,my soul and heart are still destroyed and still trying to find a way to "fix" myself
They have no boundaries... Crazy about self looks...selfies maniacs.
Shopohlics..multiple relations just to feel they are wanted.. Flirts.. Use and manipulate other to fulfill there desire...not hardworking...need to live like Queen..you need to earn so that she can live life Queen size..abusive..dangerous when angry...
I was giving, giving, and giving. I drove a 3,000 beat up truck, her a 20,000 SUV. Needed that SUV for her look good. I was also made fun of by her for dressing so poorly after I gave her what she so badly needed. Told me she was saintly for staying with a "Forest Gump" like me. Put downs all the time. These people are bullies. I seriously began to believe that she was perfect, a saint and me a mere worm just lucky to have her. It took over 20 years for me to wake up and when I did all hell broke loose. I gave her the boot. The hardest thing I have ever gone through and still experiencing. Totally bizarre and the last thing I ever imagined would happen to me. I became beneath her in all ways. Financially, intellectually, vocationally, and spiritually. In her mind I was done. Then she tried to get me back. I mentioned, why would you need me or want me? Remember, I'm below you in many ways. Counseling was a joke. We went one time and she got nailed/exposed. I exposed her too so she's hiding, running away. All this is is immaturity, although I was the immature one in her opinion, and they are extremely self centered. Blame, blame, blame It's all my fault. Yes, I'm not perfect and this experience has caused me to take an honest look at me. But, I did nothing to get abused by this person. Hey, there are people out there that love to abuse and take advantage of you. They won't take a NO. PERIOD as an answer from you. Be strong, Be careful.
Hi robbie! Im so sorry you have went through that, the “Jerry springer” part really rings true and gives me a lot of validation hearing this situation happening between two psychotherapists. I have family issues and my own PD issues due to this, and if you are still offering practice / do online therapy of any kind or write any blogs yourself I would love if you could point me in the right direction!
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