Sanctuary for the Abused

Friday, March 28, 2014

How to Identify a Female Narcissist



Physical Appearance

1. She dresses provocatively, flaunting sexually suggestive body parts.

2. She focuses attention on makeup and hair, even for the most mundane tasks or events.

3. She is overly confident about her looks. Research shows that narcissists are no more attractive than other people, but they believe they are much better looking than other women.

4. She places high value on brand names, and feels entitled to wear “the best.” She frequently purchases new clothing, and does not distinguish between wants and needs.  (this is MORE than simply wanting to look nice)

5. She is more likely to have plastic surgery, most commonly breast augmentation.

6. She enjoys being photographed, and often asks others to snap her picture. She enthusiastically shares the best pics of herself on Facebook or other social media sites. She will sometimes invest in a professional photographer for a portrait that she uses on Facebook or for online dating.



Personality/Character

1. She insists on being the center of attention, and is often the most charming person in the room. Narcissists are very outgoing and excel at marketing themselves.

2. She often seeks favorable treatment, and automatic compliance. She believes that she is special, and that she deserves fame, fortune, success and happiness.

3. She is highly materialistic.

4. She is prone to envy, though she presents as supremely confident. She seeks opportunities to undermine others, and enjoys sharing confidences about how the two of you are better than others.

5. She is convinced that others are envious and jealous of her, and often uses this excuse for her lack of real, intimate friendships. When her friends enjoy successes of their own, she finds ways to punish them by downplaying their achievements.

6. She lacks empathy, and even common courtesy at times. She puts others down, including you. She does not hesitate to exploit others.

7. She is very competitive.

8. She believes that she is intellectually superior to her peers.

9. She blames others for problems. Narcissists don’t believe that they make mistakes, and lack the ability to process shame.

10. She displays a haughty attitude when she lets her guard down or is confronted. She will act impatient, arrogant and condescending. She will often excuse her own shortcomings by claiming that others are pressuring her or expecting too much of her.

11. She is dishonest and often lies to get what she wants. She will never admit this.

12. She is “psycho:” She engages in risky behaviors, has an addictive personality, and is prone to aggressive behavior when rejected. (Note: This is most common with Histrionic Personality Disorder.)

13. She is unpredictable in her moods and actions. You have trouble figuring out what she wants and where you stand.

14. She is capable of short-term regret, and will apologize profusely if backed into a corner. However, she will quickly rationalize her behavior and return to narcissistic patterns.


A woman doesn’t need to have all 20 of these traits to make a lousy relationship partner. If you can check off even a few of these characteristics, you should head for the hills at 60 mph. 

The six traits related to physical appearance should be apparent immediately, or within a short time of meeting.

Narcissistic personality traits can be difficult to detect at first. Narcissists always make a strong showing right out of the gate, and it takes time for them to reveal their negative qualities. They will only do so w

Please don’t date one. I beg you not to fall in love with one. And never, ever marry one.

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shared by Barbara at 12:16 AM


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28 Comments:

I, sadly did fall in love with and dated a narcissitic women for over a year. The traits that ring true to me now are the "never wrong" "no empathy" and the love of brands. Over time this type of person will suck the emotional blood out of you because you can never give enough while you get comments like " i cant give you what you need or deserve"

I an too dedicated and committed I always felt thing would work out , howver, although Im still getting over it , I know I dodged a bullet

1:16 PM  

A person can have several of these traits and not be a narcissist at all. For example, a person may love dressing up in costumes or putting on makeup and may love taking self-portraits, but may be kind, caring, and never jealous and not care about being the center of attention. One has to be careful with these prescriptive lists of traits as they can be misleading if taken too literally. Plus, people often seek information out on the net and only see what they want to see, not taking into account their own flaws in thinking, their own jealousy issues, and then they 'diagnose' someone else.

5:35 PM  

I would add that you'll never hear her use any self-deprecating humor. And she will not understand teasing and will get very mad when someone does it to her, but she will think she is teasing another when she really isn't. It's all about a lack of empathy and a complete failure to grasp language and its meaning.

7:56 AM  

Several of my sisters are narcissists/psychopaths. Of course I didn't realize this until I was well into adulthood. One thing I always knew though, was that they could never be trusted around any guy I dated. They would always try to seduce him and run me down. They were always bored in their relationships even when they had the best men. The only friends that they had (girlfriends) were either those that worshipped/admired them or those they could manipulate and control.

They could destroy marriages or relationships and it meant nothing to them. They are old now and it is so clear to see what they are. They've led lives of ruin and destruction and they have no real memeory of it. If you bring any of their past indiscretions up, they get mad, or deny them or say that you have it wrong. But it has no effect on them. There is no guilt or shame or remorse. I now know that they are incapable of these emotions because their brains don't process these things.

And remember, it's genetic so they've given birth to another generation of them. Many of them are stunning to look at, incredibly smart and vivacious, but they are all lethal to your soul.

11:02 PM  

So very true just got out of a year and half relationship with a woman who fits the bill to the "T". The best advice is to take heed to the warning signs in the begining and steer clear from these women. They are heartless and soulless

7:55 PM  

I knew nothing of narcissim. I fell in love with a beautiful, vivacious. woman..I always knew that something wasnt quite right. I sensed that she did not have peace in her heart. In comes me to "save" her. I figured that I could love her troubles away. WOW..was I wrong. She started treating me badly after only 2 Months..I had already fell in love..we were together for 6 months before she walked..If you want them to walk..just embarras them in front of someone..This woman hit 14 out of 14 of the traits listed above. By far, the thing that hurt was the complete and utter lack of empathy..It just blows my mind how she would twist everything around..I still am very sad..I still love her..but just cant be treated that way

8:46 AM  

Never wrong...absolutely sick.

Been there with you. Tears me apart.

1:11 AM  

To Anonymous 8:46am

I could of written exactly the same thing as you did...word for word this happened to me...even over a year later I can't believe what happened! Probably never will!

9:16 AM  

I just broke up with my narcissist two weeks ago...I know in my heart its the right thing to do, but have tried before and it's so hard to move on! She too hit all 14 of the traits..especially the looks and body part..I mean an absolute 10. She is a double zero and absolutely flaunts her body when we go out and about. TripleD breasts...her ex husband claimed that she even had nose and chin surgery, but she of course denies it..you see...she is Vietnamese by nationality, but now looks very Americanized with her supposed surgeries. I have known she is a Narcissist in my heart, but have always denied this to my heart because I felt that she could somehow actually change and be the person that I wanted her to be!!! It just never changes..She always gets extremely nasty when we break up..even though I try to make it a clean an adult like situation. She has gotten everything in life by her manipulations and flaunting of her body..I hate it because I feel like she always wins and everyone takes her side because they don't really know the true person that I know. Anyway, I've wasted alot of time and money on this girl and hopefully this time I can be strong enough to move on. I am trying to steer clear of all of our old haunts, but of course as you may have guessed, she is making it a point to be at all of them and make my life miserable and hurt me! It's good to read these stories and know that I am not the only one that has been wrecked by such a woman.

6:37 PM  

I cannot agree more with the above post. They go back of brands, very materialistic,they blame everyone...their family, spouse. I had a very close relation with a narcissist women and recently found that she has this personality disorder.She faked her tears and fake that she cares for me like no one else. Talking to them over the phone is the biggest mistake because that is where they will try to manipulate you and make you understand that it wasn't their fault at all, this makes you fell in their trap again. I still can't believe that she has this disorder and how artful she is faking her emotions.

1:08 AM  

I've only recently realised I've been in a quite long term on/off relationship with a woman who is a covert narcissist and she ticks most the characteristics listed above.

It has proved to be an incredibly painful experience because I genuinely felt I loved her. I now know from the lies, forced dramas, tantrums, complete lack of empathy or remorse and recognition of the hurt she caused, that I was deluding myself, and yet .... it is still hard to drag myself away from her. I was blissfully ignorant of her lies for some time but when I did start listening to my gut instinct so many untruths and secrets started to be revealed and it became apparent that she cared only for herself and no one else.

A painful lesson and one I wouldn't wish on anyone.

9:44 AM  

I fell in love and had an affaire with an unmarried woman 50 years old (my age). Beautiful, she looked 10 years younger very attractive and seductive. Very smiley all the time with friends and me, loving social life and interested in arts, music and all beautiful things. She had hundred cloths in her closets and beautiful objects in her home. She was giving me very expensive presents and caring for me like a geisha. After days we were together she was also asking me to leave my family to live with her in a beautiful apartment filled with apparently unique artworks. Shortly after I also learned she had economic problems, and fights with family, colleagues and boss, and she had previous sudden breaks with her lovers. I had met her when I was running for a high post and she was very supportive during that time. After I lost the race, and possibly because of it, she started saying she had cared for me and it was time now for me to help her in her numerous troubles. She was also consuming all her money. She started then to give me presents that were actually presents for herself and her home. Suddenly, out of the blue, after 18 months of sexually attractive life and bonding, as soon as I asked to divorce from my wife and leave family, something she had asked me for all the time we had "been in love", within TWO DAYS, setting up a drama while crying she said she needed two months of break to think after my denial to break with my family at least for two more months she withdraw saying she needed time to think for herself and her foolish grandiose and never accomplished projects, claiming I had not helped her form months while this was not true, and put on hold her interests in the various activities she used to practice, that she felt guilty for my family, and the responsibilities we would have for the interference of these problems in our future life. But after ten days she came back and asked me to get together again and attracted me sexually, but again, after one week we had great sex and life had returned as before, after one evening we had intercourses she had sexually prepared for very carefully, she told me, the morning after, she could not stand the tension I was provoking her and she needed to pursue her career and independence. Fortunately I could rebuild bonds with my family within days, but she is now trying to attract me again in her foolish projects and keep me enchained to her even without sex. I am now curious what will be next but also trying to escape although it is hurting especially for the loss of her charming smile, sensuality and life style. Isn't she a perfect narcissistic bee queen trying to destroy me without any consideration for others, their life for the sake of her ego? Wasn't I completely blind?

3:40 AM  

I dated a narsasitic woman for a year also , i wish i would have seen the signs or even read about it because i ended up in therapy because of her . Its all true in the traits , the woman i was with had nearly everyone of them and blamed me for problems

1:36 PM  

I met one 3 years ago. She promised to marry and settle down so i went all in. Then she reveals months later she was married. Did it for money to get someone green card. Everytime i asked her to get divorce...excuses! Then one night she aint come home. Now im worried. Then she steals my credit cards! Im start to sink in debt as i pay her colege tuition, fix her credit etc. Then i catch her cheating so i put her out! Took six months to start healing when she was trying to make contact to come back home. The guy i caught her with started to abuse her, cut of his money for hair, nails looks etc! Her son begged me to take her back. Her gf begged me take her backa! She even told me she changed and learned her lesson. She get counseling and promised her son she would fight to be a family. I gave in. After a week of no affection, sex i had the OMG face. She brutally blamed no sex because i turned her off for asking her to take HIV test. Then the sneaking on the cell phone. She was cheating with men and women. All i started to think about was how do i tranfer the $10,000.00 dollar dental bill in her name. Oh she claimed she was not gonna have a wedding until her smile was fixed! Yes i was in love with the original her. Then recently i came home to a note that said she needed time to think. She be home the next day! Enough! When i told her 15 year old son he said put her azz out! She is ungrateful! . Extremely selfish! Then to top it off! She ran back to the abusive man! Cause he got money...but once the newness wears off again he will cut her off. Her son is so furious he said he is done with her! He lives with his father thank god! 3 years all i saw and heard was her brag about her body, her looks etc. One went to buy her a toyota carolla and she refused! Walk across the street into the Range Rover dealership! I watched her test drive a brand new one and sit down with the finance guy and she aint even have a damn job! Men this is the short version. I had many more red flags! Listed to your friends and fam! Run like hell! These are the worst human beings on earth! I almost lost my Job, went into debt, and many of my valuables are in the pawn shop! This time im fighting back! She played me twice...now tells her son not to ever talk to me! And spreading lies about me cause everyone takes my side! Will update you on how her Voodoo hex turns out!

11:14 PM  

I dated a narcissist women for nearly 3 years. When we first met, she seemed so humble and hid behind a very religious front of a pious lifestyle. She was atractive and a high flyer and as her career grew so did her true nature. I was suddenly being "moulded" to fit in her image. I was introduced at parties as a big shot, because she was ashamed of my job, I was compared to every successful guy around and she became so flirtatious with her "male" friends it became too much. She would dress to the nines to go out without me, invite male friends over to her place while i was there only for them and i to both look embarred, wondering what was going on. Ironically it was while thumbing through her own Bible that she read every night that the truth became clear. This was not love, just a shameful imitation that I needed to walk away from. Love is kind, humble, patient, caring, it is not proud or arrogant or selfish.I was gutted,angry, sad, confused and relieved but after reading the story of Samson ans Delilah and a few Bible proverbs,I realized that I was on the road to ruin. I will always have the memory of a memory but wisdom and truth have taught me that these are false and not to be trusted. Narcissists are masters of deception but look out for the things that cannot be easily mimicked, such as humility in word and deed, empathy, compassion, putting others first, kind speech and listen to your inner conscious, close your eyes to her beauty and judge her on her deeds and actions alone.

6:24 PM  

I have been married to my wife 32 years. The first 20 years of our marriage was wonderful and exciting. The last 10 years of our marriage has been brutal. For the longest time I was trying to figure out what went wrong. Mostly I just blamed myself. After reading the traits associated with NPD it was became my "aha" moment. Well maybe more like OMG!! The first 20 years I was away from home most of the time making bank. We wanted for nothing materially. But recently there have been some of my friends and acquaintances who have also noticed problems in our relationship. I started to do some research based on their input and started to devour books and papers regarding personality disorders. It was like BINGO when I read about narcissism. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted from my chest. I'm a pretty easy going guy, but I must tell you, my "need to please" personality turned quickly to anger. Anyway, I quickly regained my composure and am now in the process of planning my exit strategy....gleefully!!

3:57 PM  

best od luck..they don't let go easily....be careful...

3:40 PM  

I could say the exact same thing. 2 months in it turned to hell.

11:24 PM  

I dated a woman for 6 months, she showed signs early but we were in love, or so I thought. Comments like " I feel it back for you 100 percent and its mutual, that's what drives me" "your personality is perfect for me" on and on, we couldn't get enough of each other. It was amazing, and what I seemed to be looking for. Then the distance began, flirting and spending time with other guys. Inviting them on out on our dates, lies, cover ups, blame. Slapping me if I was out with other friends assuming I was with girls. Going through my phone. Ignoring me. Calling it off, calling it back on. Reassuring me things were fine. That I was the only guy she was interested in. Countless calls and messages from other men. Said they are just friends. Comments like " you will always cheat on your wife with me" " I've only been with guys with 9 inch penises" if I got off before her " ugh I've never had to deal with this" " it's a good thing I can get myself off" then back to " baby I love you, we will always work out" next day " I want you around when I want you around" then new pictures with a new guy online. I asked for closure, " I take the time out of my day to help you... This isn't normal anymore you're a grown man move on" telling people we only hung out a few times and we hardly talked. Then she continued to call over the following months, only to lead me on with false hope then continue to say " I told you I don't want to be with you" next week. " I could see how things would work under different circumstances, I miss you" I stopped talking to her. I became a mess of a person. Mind you I'm not perfect and I have my own flaws. There is a lot more I could mention...you all think she's a narcissist? I don't hate the girl and I wish her the best cause there is a part of me that hopes she is happy.

11:47 PM  

I have been with one for four years - we were married a year ago. While there were numerous red flags when we were dating, I ignored them because most of the time things were pretty good. After we got engaged, however, things took a turn for the worst and have grown increasingly bad during marriage. She has tried to isolate me from my family, continually guilt trips and blames me for every little thing, is controlling and says incredibly rude and hurtful things to me. I am now in the process of figuring out how to ask for and get a divorce. Embarrassing that my marriage only lasted one year, but self-care demands that I get out now as the depression of living with her has been profound.

12:01 PM  

My best friend & I got along fine until I began to have a relationship with a man who was handsome & dynamic. She would cast doubt & shame, asking me if worried he is only interested in me because he was a pedophile interested in my 7 year old daughter or that his attention & flattery was just because he felt sorry for me because he knew I didn't feel good about myself. In the same breath, she would inform me "I can get any man I want"! She would ridicule me when I would "dress up" to go out with her, but then copy my style of dress & make-up to the exact detail. I did not see all the red flags with our friendship, until I started to develop a relationship with a man she deemed "too good for me" & then the fits of jealous rage began. After our friendship ended, he told me she contacted him on Facebook offering herself up to him, anytime, anywhere.

6:20 AM  

I was married for 14 miserable years to an extreme case. After the ring went on her finger, I didn't know what hit me for the first five years - her tyrannical resume. Then I slowly I was fighting for my life as she overtly and covertly gradually destroyed my once relaxed outgoing personality. Then we had two lovely kids and i hung in for them and her consistent abuse made me hate her evil doings. The dark mystery is that the worst is done to one behind closed doors as she play acts a goody-goody stoical mother hen image. I'm now happily divorced and bonded with my kids but it's like fighting the Taliban for the past 19 years. She will never surrender but I've got my life back from the brink of losing it.

1:44 AM  

I am a daughter of a narrcisst mother. Everything that you all have said is on point! For the first time in my life I've confronted her about the way she treats me. Of course the tables were tuned that it's my fault. Haven't spoken in 2 months......still waiting for an apology that I know will never happen.

11:48 AM  

I met a girl and married her who was havin most of des traits but was difficult for me to identify..she was very materialistic ..never valued my gifts more dan for dat moment exploited me for her dresses and mobile rechrges..she always cared about herself and her own feelings..never even looked after me wen I fell sick..yet blamed me on every issues and d reason for her unhappiness..was adament dat she was beautiful and rich yet exploited me for all her expenses..she was smart liar yet if caught redhanded gave a momentary apoligy and back again to her own self..she wud smile at me wen I go mad at myself coz f her attitude..never respected me ..wanted to control arguements..always talked 'I ''me ''myself'' my happiness' dan 'us or we'..did all dramas includin a suicide attempt to get me under her control..she forced me to divorce her and put d blame on me..yet she always maintained a charmin and nice gal status in d society..made me luk d bad guy in d society..she now left me and I learnt she has concealed her once married staus and s lukin for another guy..I sacrificed a lot and faced a lot f disgrace for marryin such a gal and worst she turned d tables such a way dat I was convinced dat I was not d better part in our affair..I went chasin and apoligisin her hopin for her to come bak but she wudnt..until I read des articles here I realised I was saved from hell...but it s difficult to forget her cox she was so charmin and attractive and can act really so nice sometyms...help me get over her..

6:06 AM  

Reading these comments makes me feel a little less alone. Looking back I have been in an abusive marriage with my wife for the past 15 years or so. I have always been very good hearted and put everyone else's feelings before my own. My wife has always had rages and tantrums over things and blamed everything on me including her reactions to things. I nursed her through a period of major depression after she lost a baby, supported her and after she made a bad career move helped her get back on track with different jobs. She could not cope when either of our children were born so I did the bulk of the child care (night feeds etc.) and household work alongside a stressful job to take the pressure off her. I work hard, look after the children many nights so that she can go out to the gym / meet friends / go shopping. I have realised now that the whole household and everything I have done has always been for her benefit and demands regardless of other people. Holidays and activities are booked for her demands, not the children or myself. There have been outings the children want to do that she has refused because she would find them boring. She has lied to other people about me over many things (and she is very believable). Last October I find a series of love letters from a man she knows at the gym - these were dismissed as harmless and my fault anyway as I don't give her enough time and don't go out with her enough or am boring etc.etc. Last week I was given a note from the wife of the man she had the letters from (with evidence) saying that it was an affair (she claims emotional one) that had gone on for 5 months and never stopped after October. This is also my fault as I haven't organised enough time together to go out and I have an unrealistic view of what marriage should be and she needs her freedom. I know this is one sided but I cannot begin to say how much I have done for her and my family over the years. My next door neighbor remarked that everyone sees that I am the one who does the most for our children. I am now heading for the divorce courts and am devastated by what the effects will be on our children who I never thought would have to grow up in a broken home. I have always blamed all the problems on myself and tried to present a happy image to the world whilst trying to make sure there were no "flashpoints" on the horizon that would upset her. At times I have almost felt that I have not known which way was up or down and have begun to question my own behaviour to her which she always says is the problem. I am almost feeling that a weight is dropping off my shoulders now that I have reached tipping point and all my family, colleagues, neighbors and friends are supporting me. Her family (who had years of screaming rows, fallings out, parents sleeping in separate rooms...) are now manipulated by her and believing all her stories and fanning the flames. I don't know why I am writing this but really it is a relief to hear other stories that are so similar. On the last note, I asked her did she realise how many lives she was wrecking with her actions and she replied - "none".

8:20 AM  

"Over time this type of person will suck the emotional blood out of you because you can never give enough while you get comments like " i cant give you what you need or deserve" "

So true..."Im sorry i can't give you what you need because of my sickness. You deserve someone better". Now I don't even know if she does really have a disease AT ALL.

9:13 PM  

I split up with my partner 7 weeks ago,at first I thought she was autistic or aspergers but the lack of empathy and the way I was treated was disgusting, we were together 2,5 years, everything was my fault and I was told that I was to blame for my actions and hers. I rescued her from a shit relationship, took her kids on. I even moved to the other side of the country but it was always dramas but if I told her about something bad in my life she wasn't interested. I decided to see a therapist she made me realise that not only was she a narcissist but so was my mum, and that due to this I have a history of dating narcissists. Now I realise that it wasn't love but attachment, narcissists are full of drama, passion, seeking attention especially from the opposite sex but the lack of empathy is the worse especially as they seek all the time. Mine used to say to me she was too busy to spend time with me whilst being on FB, mumsnet and candy crush for still least 4h a day. 10% of women are narcissists! I'm concentrating now on the 90% that aren't

5:42 PM  

I made the mistake of hiring a woman like this. She destroyed my work, my friendships and my reputation in her efforts to take over my department. I quit my job and within a year the department I had built was abolished and the work outsourced. Now, she's working as a filing clerk and I've got my career on track, though I'm left with chronic health issues. I will not work with women again.

8:12 AM  

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