Sanctuary for the Abused

Monday, November 27, 2017

The Sexual Relationship with a Narcissist

The sexual relationship with the narcissist is most peculiar. Narcissists are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired to her or him.

Intimacy does not exist and you will frequently feel used. The narcissist will demand that you subdue yourself. Your own sexual preferences will be boycotted or twisted.

Narcissists have a strong tendency to sexually abuse a partner and sometimes children. Here is a list of SOME of these abusive behaviors (these are not true in all cases; nor do ALL have to be present for it to be NPD):

* You are prohibited from masturbating or feel good about your own body under the threat of punishment

* You are being made to watch porn although you don't want to

* You are not allowed any sexual gratification yourself

* The narcissist pretends to be sexual (desirous) for you but is after her/ his gratification only

* Your sexual past is being torn apart or made fun of

* You are being told that all you want is sex (although you know this is not the case, however sex is central to the narcissist)

* The narcissist instigates sex (like telling you erotic things and sending you pictures or emails which are sexual) but then decides last minute that nothing is to take place; or simply demands abusive sex

* The narcissist abuses you while you are asleep (sleep rape)

* You are being raped (coerced verbally or emotionally - includes "I love you") on a regular basis

* You are feeling humiliated and yet the narcissist claims that (s)he has been humiliated

* The narcissist finds it funny when you get hurt and enjoys it when you get hurt, this can be physically or emotionally

* The narcissist instigates and turns everything into a sexual game

* The narcissist demands prolonged sex way above the limit you can handle nor want to

* The narcissist tells you that you want to have sexual relations with everybody -- although the narcissist has a strong tendency to flirt with others and to be infidel

* You are being told off for the fact that you were flirting with someone although you are not flirting at all

* The narcissist makes fun of your sexuality in front of others (e.g. you have a small penis or small breasts)

* The narcissist demands sex when you make it clear that you don't want to

* The narcissist has to try out everything possible

* The narcissist is an exhibitionist and will want sex in public and dresses inappropriately at home and or elsewhere
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

There is another form of sexual abuse with Narcissists (and other Pathologicals). In fact, so I believe, it is the most common one, and hence it took me so long to get it. This form of abuse comes in four stages:

* Firstly, the victim will be forced to reveal her or his sexual preferences and experiences to the perpetrator.

* Secondly, the perpetrator will condition the victim to direct her or his entire sexuality towards the perpetrator. At this stage, the sexual relationship is intense.

* Thirdly, the perpetrator reduces the intensity of the sexual relationship dramatically, so that the victim is in constant sexual need. (Sexual Hyperarousal)

* Fourthly, the perpetrator grants inproper sexual gratification in order to maintain the sexual need of the victim. Now, the victim, who is (sexually) dependent on the perpetrator, can be humiliated, manipulated and used.

Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

http://www.chameleongroup.org.uk

Labels: inappropriate, manipulation, narcissism, narcissist, psychopath, sex addiction, sexual abuse, sociopath

shared by Barbara at 12:06 AM 36 comments

Blame

One Painful Way of Defeating Yourself
Traditional Western culture has developed an interesting concept -- one that is honed to a fine edge in the United States (and its criminal justice system) and one that is found as a component of Judeo-Christian based religions.

BLAME is the concept. Notice I didn't say "responsibility." Think for a few seconds about the two words. Perhaps use them in a sentence.

Blame is an affect laden word.

Responsibility, on the other hand, does not tend to have the same level of affective (emotional) weighting.

Usually, when we think of somebody as being to blame for an event we are judging both their behavior and that person.

We are also often involved in assigning or determining guilt (he/she's to blame for the car breaking- down). It may have been the person's responsibility to maintain the car in sound working order but the implication of blame involves, to some degree, causation (he/she caused the car to break-down). In the examples, blame implies causation and guilt.

In our heritage, establishment of guilt is followed by some form of punishment. The punishments vary from standing in a corner for five minutes to saying several extra prayers to a jail term or, in rare instances, the death penalty.

Our entire culture revolves around the concept of rules (both written and un-written) that are supposed to guide or regulate our behavior.

When we break the rules one or more persons judge us guilty, announce a punishment (which is to be imposed) and inform us when the punishment is to be ended (or when we
are absolved of the guilt).

We grow up in the culture learning this type of system of

* blame, * guilt, * punishment * and absolution *

and apply it with regularity to others and to ourselves.

We do this most frequently through our self talk.

We expend vast amounts of energy determining who is to blame for a particular event or phenomena.

(Who spilled the milk? Now, come on, 'fess up, who spilled the milk? Wait 'till your father/mother gets home. He/she will find out who spilled the milk and then you'll get it.)

The determination of blame (guilt) always seems to carry with it some implied or explicit suggestion of punishment (then you'll get it). Small wonder the responsible party is unwilling to step forward.

In most day-to-day situations where people set about the task of establishing blame the activity is of little actual importance. In the example of the spilled milk, the blame establisher probably is concerned that (1) the milk is spilled (and may need to be cleaned up), and (2) the responsible party be aware that the spilling of milk is something to be avoided (and is to be mopped up).

When we seek to establish blame for an event, we send a message. The message tends to be one that implies some terrible consequence following the establishment of blame.

We are, of course, attempting to establish a punishment for the wrongful event. But punishment is not always an effective means of changing behavior, feelings, and thoughts. You have probably learned in psychology that a punishment or a reward is associated with the behavior that most immediately preceded the administration of the reward or punishment. That's essentially true! But wait a minute -- which behavior immediately preceded the punishment?

Those of you who have (or have had) dogs may recall that when the dog did something wrong, you called the dog and spanked the dog for the transgression. The first time you did this the dog came right away, the next time the dog was slower to respond and eventually the dog would not come when called. The dog would not come when called because it learned that it would get spanked when it responded to your call. You have trained the dog to not come when you call as opposed to training the dog to not dig in the garden. Humans, though certainly very different than dogs, respond to learning situations in a very similar way.

What gets lost in the process of blame establishment is most often the fundamental reason for initiating the process at the outset. That is, a person has exhibited a behavior (done something) that has had an effect on our lives that we do not like. We do not want them to do the same thing again, particularly if the same consequence on our life may result. The objective is for that person (and we may be that person) to change his or her behavior in such a way that the new behavior will likely result in our experiencing a more favorable consequence (we want them to not spill milk so we will not have to spend our energy cleaning a floor with milk on it).

By seeking to establish blame we focus on establishment of guilt rather than on changing or modifying milk handling behavior. We punish "fessing up" (or coming when called) rather than teaching new, more productive, methods of handling milk to the people with responsibility for the handling of milk. We get angry when they don't respond and when the milk is spilled again. This seems like a rather unproductive group of activities.

How might we change our blame establishing behavior? -- Not by punishing ourselves for doing it, but by seeking to replace the behavior pattern with one that may get us closer to our overall objective. When we notice ourselves saying, either out loud or internally, things like: Who's to blame, who's at fault, who did this or that, and other similar phrases and we are feeling a strong emotion like anger -- STOP -- maybe even say out- loud the word stop -- and then ask the following questions: What difference does establishing blame make? Will establishing blame change anything that is happening or has happened? Will establishing blame change the behavior of the responsible person? As you review your responses to the questions you will probably note your emotional response has less intensity and that your self talk will start to move into the problem solving mode (O.K. -- now how can I correct the problem). Once in the problem solving mode you can then start determining your immediate and long range objectives (seeing to it that the milk is mopped from the floor and teaching people how to not spill milk) and the action steps involved (getting the mop for yourself or another person and teaching the responsible person how to more effectively hold a milk carton and pour milk).

As you make a habit of taking charge of situations rather than establishing blame you will most likely find that you have much more energy available to invest in more productive activities.

SOURCE

Labels: abuse, blame, denial, depression, guilt, low self-esteem, narcissists, psychopath, responsibility, shame

shared by Barbara at 12:35 AM 8 comments

Child Custody & Access Assessments

By Samantha E. Poisson

Whether it is because most parents can devise a workable child care arrangement or because of the absence of one parent, the majority of separating families, approximately 80% (Johnston, 1994), do not become embroiled in legal battles over the children. The remainder, however, approach the justice system looking for some form of conflict resolution such as mediation, arbitration, assessment, or a custody trial. Many enter the process with a lawyer to represent them, however, increasingly they are unrepresented [due to cutbacks in legal aid]. For this subgroup of highly conflicted families characterized by ongoing acrimony, litigation and conflict over the custody and visitation arrangements for the children; a history of domestic violence is probable. It is the children in these high conflict/violent families who stand to lose the most with simplistic solutions derived from an idealistic belief that it is always beneficial to children to have equal contact with both parents post-separation. As battered women know, battering men frequently do not end their domination over their families once separation has occurred. The abusers may use threats to seek custody as a means of perpetuating control over their former partner. Lengthy and costly litigation, fear of abduction, harassment, intimidation and violence during transfers are all genuine issues of concern. Although difficult to believe, a surprising number of battered women even face the real possibility of losing custody to their abuser. Recent research suggests that batterers are twice as likely to apply for custody and equally likely to convince the court of the merits of their custody application as non-violent fathers (Bowermaster & Johnson, 1998; Zorza, 1995).

In determining the best interests of the children from high conflict families, the courts may turn to custody and access assessors. An assessor can be a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist. Currently, there are no licensing or specific training requirements for assessors in Canada. Most assessors are members of a professional governing body, such as the College of Psychologists, but that may not always be the case. Guidelines exist, which include minimal standards of ethical practice, such as the Ethical Guidelines for Psychological Practice Related to Child Custody and Access by the Ontario Psychological Association. Regardless of the assessor's field, every assessment should meet a minimal standard of acceptable ethical practices.

An assessment can be court ordered or completed by consent of the parties and their legal counsel. The cost of an assessment can range from $1500 to over $5000. These costs may be covered by Legal Aid or by the parents themselves. The process of an assessment typically involves three to five interviews for each of the parties, observation of the child/parent interaction, contacting collateral sources of information such as doctors, therapists and teachers and reviewing affidavit material. Psychological testing may also be a component of the assessment if the assessor is suitably qualified to administer such instruments. At the end of the process, the assessor prepares a report, which typically includes detailed recommendations regarding custody and access, and this report is submitted to court.

A custody and access assessment report can be a very significant piece of evidence considered by the judge. Therefore, choosing an appropriate assessor is crucial. Assessors, like many other professionals, may erroneously subscribe to romanticized notions of "shared parenting" in cases with a history of domestic violence. Prior to an assessor being appointed to your case, explore his/her qualifications, know whether or not he/she has had domestic violence training, and gain a sense of any trends or biases in his/her recommendations. A thorough assessment by a well-qualified, appropriately trained assessor, can be invaluable evidence in custody cases involving domestic violence.

Once an assessor is chosen, be prepared to detail your history of abuse, your views of how the children have been affected by witnessing the abuse and any supporting documentation or collateral sources which may lend credence to the history of abuse. Domestic violence is, by its nature, a private experience. In many cases involving domestic violence, there is typically scant evidence of the abuse. These factors contribute to a battered woman's inability to corroborate her victimization from the moment a child custody dispute begins. Be as prepared as possible to highlight any evidence of your victimization.

In Canada, the federal Divorce Act is silent on the issue of domestic violence and most provincial statutes do not identify domestic violence as an issue to be considered in the deter-mination of custody and access. However, judicial precedence increasingly recognizes the negative impact of exposure to violence on children (Bala et al., 1998). In the United States, the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges (1994) has developed a Model Code on domestic violence in the child custody area that clearly delineates several important principles. First, there is the rebuttable presumption that it is detrimental to the child to be placed with the perpetrator of family violence in sole custody, joint legal custody, or joint physical custody. Second, visitation orders for the batterers can be tempered with conditions such as supervised transfers, supervised access, and treatment orders. And lastly, that there is a presumption against mediation in cases with domestic violence.

Despite the existence of judicial precedence and the Model Code, most domestic violence advocates would probably describe a significant gap between theory and practice when it comes to recognizing domestic violence as a germane factor in custody determinations, and affording due consideration to maternal and child safety (Jaffe and Geffner, 1998). An increasingly powerful backlash, in the form of "parental alienation syndrome," has provided battering fathers with the theoretical explanation for why their children may not want to visit with them post-separation. Victimized mothers can be typecast by this unsubstantiated theory and many judges, lawyers and assessors are uncritically embracing this concept. Anticipate the use of such tactics, be prepared to defend yourself against them, and become as knowledgeable as possible prior to the commencement of an assessment. Many battered women before you have been ill prepared for their experiences during a custody battle and alarmed by the ultimate outcome of the custody dispute. Preparation is key.

Ms. Poisson, M.Ed., is currently in the process of completing her Doctorate in Education in Applied Psychology from the University of Toronto. She has been employed as Clinical/Research Services Co-ordinator at the London Family Court Clinic since 1995. Ms. Poisson is qualified as an expert witness in Ontario and New Brunswick in the areas of custody and access and the impact of childhood physical and sexual abuse on adult survivors.

GREAT SITE FOR CUSTODY/COPARENTING ISSUES

Labels: abuse, assessor, child custody, child support, divorce, domestic violence, joint, sole, visitation

shared by Barbara at 12:30 AM 0 comments

Manipulative Relationships: Are You In One?

We are all vulnerable to being manipulated in relationships, whether between romantic partners, friends, parents, children, employers, coworkers, or neighbors. When we allow another person to manipulate us, we are colluding with their desire to control our feelings, motives, and even our thoughts through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means. A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of the person being manipulated. These relationships become troubled over time. If you want to change this kind of relationship, you must first recognize the features of manipulation and then look within to understand your contribution to the manipulation. There are effective ways to stand up to manipulation and bring balance back into the relationship.

Manipulation is not the same as influence. We all use influence with other people to advance our goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the rights and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the facade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.

Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is more likely to be receptive to the attempted manipulation. Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it's the manipulator who has the problem, you might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.

Here are some common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators -

You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people. This goes beyond being nice to other people. Your sense of worth is tied up in doing things for other people. In fact, you take this so far that you please other people at the expense of your own well-being. For example, you might buy something especially nice for your partner or a friend when you would never spend that kind of money on yourself. Manipulators are drawn to this type of person and have no qualms about taking advantage of this particular personality trait.

You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people. Although most people appreciate being accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. The core problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned - and it is so strong that you would do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works by giving you the acceptance that you need - and then threatening to withdraw it.

You fear expressing negative emotions. Although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant at all times. They fear that they will fall apart in the face of negative emotions. Manipulators have an easy task in this kind of relationship - all they have to do is to threaten to raise their voice, and then they get their way.

You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate boundaries that clarify who you are and what you stand for. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, however, you must sometimes say no when someone attempts to push your limits. If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. Learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative relationship.

You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favor. Without a clear definition of your self, you may be an easy target for a manipulator.

If you are in a manipulative relationship, it is helpful to recognize the personal tendencies that allow the other person to assert control over you. You can come to understand and explore these safely with the support of a professionally trained therapist. While you may not be able to change the behavior of the manipulator, you can change your own responses to attempts at manipulation so that you achieve a firmer sense of your own integrity. The unhappiness resulting from a manipulative relationship can lead to life-changing experiences that generate insight and the ability to cope more effectively with the demands of everyday living.

SOURCE

Labels: approval, boundaries, cope, emotional, liar, manipulation, manipulator, negative

shared by Barbara at 12:07 AM 0 comments

The Health Effects of Domestic Violence

The effects of violence on a victim's health are severe. In addition to the immediate injuries from the assault, battered women may suffer from chronic pain, gastrointestinal disorders, psychosomatic symptoms, and eating problems. Although psychological abuse is often considered less severe than physical violence, health care providers and advocates around the world are increasingly recognizing that all forms of domestic violence can have devastating physical and emotional health effects. Domestic violence is associated with mental health problems such as anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and depression.

Women who are abused suffer an increased risk of unplanned or early pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS. As trauma victims, they are also at an increased risk of substance abuse. According to a U.S. study, women who experience intimate partner abuse are three times more likely to have gynecological problems than non-abused women. From Violence Against Women: Effects on Reproductive Health, Outlook, vol. 20, no. 1 (September 2002).

Women are particularly vulnerable to attacks when pregnant, and thus may more often experience medical difficulties in their pregnancies. Recent research has called for increased study of pregnancy associated deaths. "Pregnancy associated deaths" are "deaths occurring to women who have been pregnant within the previous year." A study conducted by researchers in Maryland of 247 pregnancy associated deaths found that the leading cause of death was homicide. The researchers have called for "enhanced surveillance" of pregnancy associated deaths and additional research focusing more specifically on the role of domestic violence. From Nancy K.D. Lemon, Health Watch, in Domestic Violence Report, vol. 8, no. 5, 69, 69 (June/July 2003) (citing Isabelle L. Horon & Diana Cheng, Enhanced Surveillance for Pregnancy-Associated Mortality—Maryland, 1993-1998, in JAMA vol. 285, no. 11, 1455 (21 March 2001)).

Other studies have shown that there are significant obstetric risk factors associated with domestic violence. Abused women are more likely to have a history of sexually transmitted disease infections, vaginal and cervical infections, kidney infections and bleeding during pregnancy, all of which are risk factors for pregnant women. Abused women are more likely to delay prenatal care and are less likely to receive antenatal care. In fact, "[i]ntimate partner abuse during pregnancy may be a more significant risk factor for pregnancy complications than other conditions for which pregnant women are routinely screened, such as hypertension and diabetes." From Violence Against Women: Effects on Reproductive Health, Outlook, vol. 20, no. 1 (September 2002).

As discussed in more detail in the section on marital rape, in many countries, marriage is believed to grant men unconditional sexual access to their wives, and to permit the use of violence if their wives do not comply. Women's lack of sexual autonomy in these situations puts them at risk of unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Recent research in Nicaragua, for example, suggests that domestic abuse increases the likelihood that women will have many children and found that abused women were twice as likely to have four or more children. From Ending Violence Against Women, in Population Reports, vol. 7, no. 4 (December 1999).

Domestic violence can be fatal; women are both intentionally murdered by their partners and lose their life as a result of injuries inflicted by them. In particular, recent studies in the United States have focused on choking or strangulation, a tactic often used by batterers. Because choking or strangulation rarely leaves vivid external physical marks, police may not recognize the victim's need for medical assistance or the seriousness of the violence. Injuries resulting from choking or strangulation can often be lethal; such injuries "may appear mild initially but they can kill the victim within 36 hours." From When Abusers Choke Their Victims, Violence Against Women 22-5 (Joan Zorza ed., 2002).

In addition to the danger of death from injury or intentional homicides, research also indicates that women who are abused may be more likely to commit suicide. The Family Violence Prevention Fund, reporting on a 1995 study, stated that 29% of all women in the United States who attempted suicide were battered. UNICEF reports that a "close correlation between domestic violence and suicide has been established based on studies in the United States, Fiji, Papua New Guinea, Peru, India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka. Suicide is 12 times as likely to have been attempted by a woman who has been abused than by one who has not." From UNICEF, Domestic Violence Against Women and Girls, 6 Innocenti Digest 1, 4 (2000).

The World Health Organization's Factsheet and Violence Against Women: Health Consequences detail the health consequences of violence against women around the world. The National Center for Injury Prevention and Control and the Family Violence Prevention Fund provides an excellent overview of the health effects of domestic violence on women and children.

For a list of research and reports on the health effects of domestic violence, click here.

Labels: autoimmune, domestic violence, effect, health, homicide, ptsd, suicide, women

shared by Barbara at 12:44 AM 1 comments

IS MY SPOUSE (or PARTNER) A SEX ADDICT?

ask yourself, honestly:

Does your spouse have unaccountable time?
Does your spouse have unaccountable money?
Does your spouse have unaccountable moods?
Does your spouse's moods depend on whether he/she gets sex or not?
Does your spouse have a lack of sexual activity with you?
Does your spouse have a history of emotional, physical or sexual abuse or neglect?
Does your spouse have a supply of pornography (online or offline)?
Have you been told he has a sex addiction (hookers, affairs, porn)?
Are there many arguments over sex?
Is your spouse unable to be emotionally intimate?
Does sex appear to not satisfy him/her (wants more right away or there never seems to be enough)?
Does he come up with new positions or things he begs you to do and then gets upset when you say "no"?
Does he respect you?
Is there a lot of anger or erratic behavior when he/she is said "no" to sexually?
Do you feel alone during your sexual encounters?
Do you feel used, dirty or abandoned after sexual encounters?
Is there a sense that he's/she's got his "fix" and now he's better?

Labels: boundaries, emotional abuse, hookers, porn, pornography, prostitution, respect, sex addict, sex addiction, verbal abuse

shared by Barbara at 12:17 AM 4 comments

Psychopath: Desire Driven, Untamed Nature

Our bundle of wishes drives us out of the bunk in the morning, well most of us anyway. We all have our own unique bundle that motivates us to act. No two bundles are identical, similar is as close as it gets.An act correlated to a wish or wishes in your bundle is far more satisfying than one out of sync. We are out here driving around acting on our desires and bumping into to each other all the time.

One of the most crucial characteristics we all must appreciate about bundle of wishes is that predators’ bundles are untamed.

Your chances of crashing into a predator, such as a rapist, pedophile, stalker, con artist, or the like, should be expected. Preparation is crucial to avoid a head on collision.

Awareness of a predator’s presence before you crash into them is far better then after. I learned my awareness the hard way, only after a destructive collision. Some driving lessons will help you maneuver around them.

What makes predators different is known. Their ability to mask this difference depends on your ignorance.

So what is different? Basically two things: the nature of their bundle and their lack of restraint for acting on a wish in their bundle. Predators have an untamed bundle of wishes.

Have you ever done something mean spirited and afterwards you wish you hadn’t? Two things happen as a result: guilt and behavior modification. You feel so darn guilty that you correct your behavior in the future.

Now consider the act of a predator. They do not experience guilt, thus no behavior modification in their future. No guilt equates to repetitive inappropriate behavior. No restraint by guilt sets them apart.

Two factors of our restraint are inhibition and empathy.

Inhibition arises because we feel our action might hurt somebody else. May not be true, but in our assessment we feel it is true. We do not act on this wish.

The second aspect is empathy. This is the ability to identify with someone else’s feeling. Here we assess a desire to act from the standpoint of another. If we decide our act will effect someone else in a negative way, we will not do it.

A predator has a desire and acts without this assessment. They do not have this ability. Research indicates they never will.

A predator’s bundle of wishes fall in the legal or criminal realm. A predator that is driven by legal desire is extremely pervasive and rarely identified. Criminal predators cause society’s greatest fear and when caught our legal system is designed to remove them, at least for a while.

Both types are dreadfully destructive. Personally I fear the legal variety because their impact is left unchecked. They cause significant harm to those that unwittingly get close to them.

Wake up all you domestic violence victims! If your spouse’s bundle of wishes is untamed, they do not change.

Where I place my greatest fear is irrelevant. What is relevant is a predator’s desire is either unfathomable to you (criminal) or in your mean spirited category (legal). Your fear comes from what you do not understand.

Why anybody would want to sexually assault a woman or molest a child is beyond our power of reason. Sorry to say that some wishes in some predators’ bundles are pure evil.

That they are acted upon is another predator difference. We can never be certain about the nature of somebody else’s bundle. Observing and realizing an action arising out of their lack of constraint indicates possible predator presence.

Remember we all slip up occasionally. No body is perfect. An occasional act that is mean spirited is normal. Beware of the ones who repeat the same behavior under similar circumatances.

Without inhibition and empathy some relatively innocuous behaviors can give off clues to indicate the necessity to steer clear.

As you drive down the road of your life be on the lookout for an untamed bundle of wishes.

AVOID THAT HEAD ON COLLISION!

SOURCE

Labels: awareness, desire, impulsivity, lack of information, no empathy, predators, psychopath, sociopath

shared by Barbara at 12:20 AM 2 comments

6 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

After leaving an abuser Pictures, Images and Photos

(could take years or weeks - no time frame)

1. Managing the Situation
The point at which abuse/violence is first experienced is a crisis for the relationship,and although some women end relationships at this point, the majority do not. They find, or accept, an explanation for the incident which allows for a future. They develop strategies to manage the situation and incidents of abuse.

2. Distortion of Perspective/Reality
Gradually more and more of a woman's daily life and thought processes are affected by abuse/violence. Managing anxiety, trying to make sense of why, takes up her energy and attention. Answering why often involves her taking responsibility. Coping is increasingly focused on trying to do and not do certain things, or defiantly acting certain ways knowing the consequences. Either approach means repeated abuse can be understood "by herself and others" as yet again her responsibility.

3. Defining abuse
It is often only after a number of assaults or abusive incidents, that women define the abuse as abuse/violence. This is not just about using the word abuse/violence, but seeing herself as someone being victimised and the man as someone who is an abuser. For this to occur some level of responsibility has to be placed with the abuser and events understood as a recurring feature. (Abuse can be emotional, sexual, verbal or financial)

4. Re-evaluating the Relationship
Once the relationship is understood as one in which abuse/violence occurs a re-evaluation process begins. Decisions take place in a changed context of meaning. The possibility of leaving temporarily or permanently, of engaging processes to contain violence, becomes easier to contemplate.

5. Ending the Relationship
Most women make many attempts to end abusive/violent relationships and the reasons for returning include believing his promises to change, the absence of acceptable practical alternatives, pressure from others, the absence of effective protection.

6. Ending the Violence
Contrary to popular myth, ending a relationship does not always ensure the violence ends, it may in fact place women at greater risk of serious, and even fatal assault.

INFORMATION ON GETTING OUT

Labels: abuse, bad relationship, danger, domestic violence, leaving, reality

shared by Barbara at 12:24 AM

When Someone Judges You or Says Things About You

Labels: abuse, bullies, judging, lies, narcissist, psychopath, smear campaign, sociopath, verbal abuse

shared by Barbara at 12:18 AM 0 comments

When the "Crime" Doesn't Fit the Punishment

Disproportional Responses
by Anna Valerious

One of the oft used tools in the narcissist's manipulation toolbox is disproportional response. This technique is highly effective on adults; it is devastatingly effective on children.

Any abusive tactic is targeted at one goal: control.

The narcissist is consumed with controlling his version of reality which means he must control you in order to maintain a sense of the world as he has defined it. The narcissist attempts to maintain "order" and internal cohesion in himself by shaking up your world. By confusing you, he gets to feel sane. By fragmenting your reality he gains a sense of wholeness.

Yeah, it's twisted.

He keeps you off-balance by his disproportional reactions to minor affronts. He rages suddenly over what seems like nothing. It is nothing. That's part of the point. He punishes over the tiniest infractions to throw you off balance by confusing you. You gently disagree with him on some minor point and he throws a giant tantrum. Or you may have no idea what you did, but suddenly you have an enraged beast going for your throat. You start walking on eggshells around him. You never feel completely relaxed in his presence because you never know when or where the next outburst will come from.

There is an important thing to know about the narcissist's rages. A narcissist doesn't rage the way normal people do. The narcissist is in total control of his rages. They are calculated for effect. When a decent person experiences rage it is the result of extreme provocation. While experiencing the rage, this person feels out of control and it takes some time for the feelings to subside and some great effort at self-control. So when we are confronted by a narcissist's rage we wrongly assume they are feeling what we would be feeling if we were enraged. You are wrong in this belief. If you've been in the presence of narcissistic rages often enough you've likely seen that they can turn it off and on like a switch. If you haven't seen this, then try this: rage back at them. Watch them crumble into a helpless, whiny little suppliant. Or simply walk into a room where other people are and watch them flip the switch to "off". Watch them pick up the phone during one of their rages and suddenly act completely normal. This is not normal rage. This is contrived rage. They are in complete and total control even while your eyes and ears tell you they are out of control. They are using rage the same way they will use their sexuality, or their charm...for effect only. They are trying to control you with it.

The use of disproportional reactions by the narcissist will usually contain some level of rage as its component, which is why I took the time to describe what narcissistic rages are all about. Be assured that this is an abusive tactic. Don't accept it. Let them taste their own medicine. If you are willing to put up with the inevitable fall-out then get in the narcissist's face with your own disproportional reaction. Interestingly, just about any abusive tactic of the narcissist can be turned around on them. It is about the only way to penetrate their frustratingly thick skulls with any impression of your displeasure. Turning their own weapons against them can be highly effective. Don't try this with a narcissist whom you have reason to believe could turn violent though. The less confrontational approach would be to simply refuse to put up with the disproportional responses by demanding just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore their unpredictable, volatile behavior. They can be conditioned to somewhat modify their behavior. Like any dog, they are not likely to keep up a behavior that doesn't reap rewards. They'll move onto their next obnoxious trick. Really, what is the point of keeping these bastards in your life?

If you have children with a narcissistic spouse, you owe it to those children to get them away from the narcissist parent. This type of abuse is extremely destructive to the hearts, minds and souls of children who have no power to get away from it. The capricious and disproportional reactions are corrosive to the child's sense of security which will undermine a child's psychosocial development.

This abusive tactic sends adults into tail spins... multiply that effect many times when trying to measure how children are affected by it. If you're any kind of decent person, save your children from your narcissistic spouse. I could fill books with descriptions of the private terror a child under the care of a narcissistic parent while the other parent worked 16 hour days and closed his eyes to any evidence of abuse. Whatever you may be experiencing doesn't begin to compare with the reign of terror your child is enduring.

SOURCE

Labels: calculated, children, control, controlling, crime, emotional terrorism, narcissism, narcissists, pathological, punishment

shared by Barbara at 12:01 AM 20 comments

The "Need to Know"

by Peggy Vaughan

Why we need answers to our questions

When learning of our partner's affair, most of us feel an intense "need to know" - asking questions to try to make some kind of sense out of what has happened.

Here's an excerpt about this from my book, The Monogamy Myth

"When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn't they be told what they want to know.

They feel they're being treated like a child, and they resent it.

"If the information didn't exist, it wouldn't be so frustrating and demeaning. But they know their partner has it, and simply refuses to give it to them. This makes a balance of power in the relationship impossible... It's doubtful if trust can ever be restored in a relationship where this persists.

"I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, "enough is enough, let's get on with our lives." Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind."

(end of excerpt from "The Monogamy Myth")

While I have consistently heard this same thing from thousands of people during the past 20 years, there's still a great reluctance on the part of those who have had affairs to answer questions and to continue talking about the whole situation. Unfortunately, there has also been a large segment of the therapeutic community that has reinforced the idea that too many questions and too much talking is not for the best.

I now have statistical data that demonstrates the connection between honest communication and both staying married and recovering. I have posted some results from my Research Questionnaire that may help people see the importance of respecting this "need to know."

While it's important to get answers to your questions IF you ask questions, this does NOT mean you "should" ask questions unless/until you really want to know. It's just that it's essential to get answers if you DO ask.

While for most people, "getting answers to your questions" is a key ingredient in rebuilding the trust and building a strong marriage, no one should be forced to hear things they don't want to hear. But if they DO want to hear details, they deserve to have their questions answered. It's the WILLINGNESS of the partner to answer questions that is so critical, not whether or not you ASK for the answers.

So each person needs to decide for themselves the timing of when/what/how much they want to know. (It's important to determine that you really want the truth, and are not just hoping for some kind of reassurance or disclaimers.) For most people, "not knowing" is worst of all - because their imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never ceases.

Joseph's Letter
I want to share a beautiful example of a letter one man wrote in his effort to get his wife to answer his questions. This was originally posted on my BAN Message Board before it was closed. While I didn't keep any of the messages posted on that board, this was so exceptional that I got Joseph's permission to include it in "Peggy's Forum" so it could continue to be accessed by people who didn't read his original posting.

So I'm including it here as a clear statement of the "need to know," as well as a clear explanation of why you ask the questions:

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand.

No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality.

Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete.

You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion.

You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.
"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

The Importance of Reinforcing the Honesty
While it's understandable that the focus is almost exclusively on "getting answers," the key to whether or not there is a continuation of getting answers depends in large part on how you react to hearing the answers you do get. While it may not seem "fair," one who asks for details has a responsibility to hear them in a way that doesn't punish the partner for doing what they've asked them to do. (This is not a matter of it being "wrong" to punish the partner; it's simply not "smart" to immediately punish someone for being honest, despite the potential pain from the honesty, because it means the honesty will be unlikely to continue.)

Here's another excerpt from the "The Monogamy Myth" that points out how important it is for the person who asks for answers to react in a way that Reinforces the Honesty:

"The ability to succeed in dealing honestly with an affair does not depend solely on the attitude and behavior of the one who had the affair. Their partner's reaction is critical because it serves either to reinforce honesty or to discourage it. Honesty about affairs comes in stages. First, there is the admission that it happened, then the many details that contribute to seeing the whole picture. A partner's reaction to the initial fact of the affair has a lot to do with the willingness of the person who had an affair to share any of the details.

"A person who discovers their mate's affair usually feels justified in venting their feelings of hurt and anger. While they certainly have a right to those feelings, they need to recognize that punishing their mate for telling the truth will almost surely put an end to any further honesty. So while it may seem unfair, it's in their own best interest to try to reinforce whatever honesty is received if there is to be much hope for the honesty continuing.

"Supporting a partner's honesty often takes enormous patience. One man said he felt his effort to get his wife to open up and talk was like peeling an onion, with each skin coming off very hard. He continued to encourage her and to show his appreciation for her efforts to be honest, so she finally became convinced it was safe to tell him the truth. It took a long time, but they were able to stay together and develop a relationship that was closer than it had been prior to the affair.

"In another case, a man told of the terrible price his wife paid for being honest with him about her affair. By his own admission, he lashed out at her to try to hurt her back. She decided she had made a mistake by being honest about her affair and became afraid to tell him anything else. But she hung in without trying to defend herself against his constant barrage of criticism. Finally, he came to realize that she must love him very much to tolerate all he had put her through. He felt thankful she hadn't left, and began trying to make up for the damage that had been done.

"This can be quite a challenge for the person who asks for honesty--to avoid punishing their partner for telling them what they want to know. It's understandable that a person feels badly about some of the information they receive, but this can be balanced by feeling good about their partner's honesty. This was my experience, feeling so positive about James' honesty in answering everything I asked him that it diminished the pain of what he had to say. This kind of honest communication is important, not only in dealing with what has happened, but in determining the nature of the relationship in the future."

Labels: affair, betrayal, disclosure, honesty, need to know

shared by Barbara at 12:39 AM 0 comments

FAMILY COURT REFORM

from ONE MOMS BATTLE

I strongly believe that together, we can bring education and change to our Family Court System. I ask for your help in making that happen. I have written a letter that can be used as a template- please make changes as you see fit. Please cut and paste and mail to your Representatives.

You can also adjust the letter and mail to your local media outlets. Currently, FOX News is spotlighting the crisis in our Family Court System. This crisis ranges from complete corruption to lack of education on high conflict divorces. It takes a village to make changes to a flawed system and I ask for your help in making changes to our Family Court System. The first step in making change is education. - Tina Swithin

Where to write:

U.S. Senators (web sites and mailing addresses)
Write Your U.S. Representative (A service of the House that will assist you by identifying your Congressperson in the U.S. House of Representatives and providing contact information.
U.S. Supreme Court: Contact Information – US Supreme Court

To contact your local FOX News, please click here.

---------------------------------------------
Dear (Senator/Congressperson/Justice...),
Re: The Family Courts of America,

The Family Court System has lost sight of their primary goal: to protect our children. The courts are too focused on being quick and fair with 50/50 custody splits instead of focusing on what is best for the children. This isn’t about Mothers’ Rights or Fathers’ Rights- it is about the rights of our children to live in a safe, healthy and nurturing environment.

I dispute the notion that an individual should have “rights” just because they donated sperm or gave birth. Because someone has the ability to procreate shouldn’t automatically give them parental rights. Every child in America has the RIGHT to be safe, loved and protected. The child’s rights should supersede any parental rights.

Our appointed Judges and Commissioners are not taking the time to properly evaluate child custody cases. They are too focused on moving the cases through the courtroom like cattle. I feel that our Judges, Commissioners, Mediators, Family Court Workers and Attorneys need to receive ongoing education about high-conflict divorces, narcissistic personality disorder and other personality disorders. The time to become educated starts now. The system has failed Susan Powell and her young sons, Charlie and Braden in a tragic way. I ask for changes before it fails countless others.

It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a court to protect a child. Our hands are tied by your broken court system. Please implement changes to your system beginning with ongoing education for every person who has a hand in deciding the fate of a child. Our Judges and Commissioners need to be educated in Narcissism and other personality disorders so they can properly do their jobs.

I greatly appreciate your time and attention to this serious matter. It is my goal to ensure that children’s rights are placed as a top priority in courtrooms across America.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Please include the following information at the bottom of your letter: Name, address and phone number along with signature. ###

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Labels: children, divorce, family court, narcissism, narcissist, one moms battle, parenting, protection, psychopath, reform, sociopath, tina swithin

shared by Barbara at 12:00 AM 0 comments

Dealing With Your Abuser During the Divorce

Excerpts from: UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY AND VISITATION DISPUTES by R. Lundy Bancroft

An abuser focuses on being charming and persuasive during a custody dispute, with an effect that can be highly misleading to Guardians ad Litem, court mediators, judges, police officers, therapists, family members, and friends. He can be skilled at discussing his hurt feelings and at characterizing the relationship as mutually destructive. He will often admit to some milder acts of violence, such as shoving or throwing things, in order to increase his own credibility and create the impression that the victim is exaggerating. He may discuss errors he has made in the past and emphasize the efforts he is making to change, in order to make his partner seem vindictive and unwilling to let go of the past.

An abuser's desire for control often intensifies as he senses the relationship slipping away from him. He tends to focus on the debt he feels his victim owes him, and his outrage at her growing independence. (This dynamic is often misread as evidence that batterers have an inordinate "fear of abandonment.") He is likely to increase his level of intimidation and manipulation at this point; he may, for example, promise to change while simultaneously frightening his victim, including using threats to take custody of the children legally or by kidnapping.

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Excerpt: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Author Lundy Bancroft

He is careful not to create the impression he's bad-mouthing her, while subtly planting his poisonous seeds. He might say, for example: "She's telling people now that I was abusive to her, and that really hurts me. It's gotten so I don't want to show my face places 'cause of what she' saying. I'm not keeping any secrets; I'll tell you right out that I did slap her one day, which I know is wrong. She has this thing about saying that my mother is a 'whore' cause she's been divorced twice, and that really gets to me, but I know I should have handled it differently."

When he leaves, her parents find themselves ruminating "Gee, she didn't mention anything about insulting his mother in that incident. That makes it a little different. She can have quite a mouth on her. I've noticed that myself. He shouldn't slap her, but he's obviously feeling guilt about it now. And he's willing to admit that it's partly his fault, while she blames it all on him. She does that in conflict with us sometimes, she doesn't realize it takes two to tango."

The part about the woman calling his mother a degrading name may never have even happened: my clients smoothly make up stories to cover their worst incident. But whether or not he's telling the truth is almost beside the point; he is playing to the societal value, still widely held, that a man's abuse toward a woman is significantly less serious if she has behaved rudely herself.

Abusers increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the victim of doing all the things that he has done.

When an abused mother does break up the relationship society tends to do an abrupt about-face. Suddenly she hears from court officials and from other people:
“Well, maybe he abused you, but that’s no reason to keep the children away from him. He is their father, after all.”

”Don’t you think your own resentments are clouding your judgement about your children?”

”Don’t you believe that people ever change? Why don’t you give him the benefit of the doubt?” In other words, a women can be punished for exposing children to a man in one situation, but then punished for refusing to expose them to the same man in another situation. And, the second case is potentially even more dangerous than the first, because she is no longer able to keep an eye on what he does with the children or to prevent the post-separation escalation that is so common in abusive fathers.

Batterers naturally strive to turn mediation and GAL processes to their advantage, through the use of various tactics. Perhaps the most common is to adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out "for the good of the children." He may cry in front of the mediator or GAL and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge, "even though she knows full well that I would never do anything to hurt them." He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him. The two most common negative characterizations he will use are that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits to the detriment of his children if the court representative fails to look closely at the evidence - or ignores it - because of his charm. He also benefits when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate.

Batterers may continue their harassment of the victim for years, through legal channels and other means, causing periodic re-traumatizing of the victim and children and destroying the family's financial position. Motions by abusers for custody or for increases in visitation are common forms of retaliation for things that he is angry about.

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Excerpts from: SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker

The best strategy for Targets of their Blame is to take a very Assertive Approach – to quickly provide credible factual information to the court and to try to be as perfect as possible in every way during the court process.

Ideally, all lawyers, judges, mediators and therapists will learn about the dynamics of Borderlines and Narcissists in court cases, and will be able to successfully handle their difficult behavior. However, it may be 5-10 years beore this occurs.

Taped Conversations: Andy made very effective use of taped conversations, phone calls and voice mail messages. This is one of the best ways to show that the Blamer has a different private personality from the public persona he or she is showing in court.

Do not tell others that you have diagnosed a personality disorder in your spouse. You are not qualified to do so, and this escalates resistance to any cooperation whatsoever. You may discuss “possible patterns” with a therapist or evaluator. But let the evaluator make the diagnosis or explain the pattern to the court without giving it a name.

In court, the goal is to make a decision. Once a decision is made, the issue is resolved and the court moves on. Decisions are based on persuasion in the adversary process. The more persuasive party (or their attorney) will prevail, and the least persuasive will lose.

(Remember abusers can be female or male!)

for support, information and help with coparenting, the divorce process, custody, child support etc visit: http://facebook.com/onemomsbattle

Labels: abuser, control, court orders, custody, divorce, emotional abuse, judges, persuasion, verbal abuse