Sanctuary for the Abused

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Psychopathic VS Narcissistic Personality

by Nancy McWilliams, page 166

"Finally, there is a very close connection between psychopathic and narcissistic conditions. Both character types reflect a subjectively empty internal world and a dependence on external events. Some theorists (Kernberg, 1975; Meloy, 1988) put psychopathy and narcissism on one dimension, characterized overall as narcissistic; the psychopath is considered as on the pathological end of the narcissistic continuum.

I would argue that antisocial and narcissistic people are different enough to warrant a continuum for each. Most sociopathic people do not idealize repetitively, and most narcissistic ones do not depend on omnipotent control. But many people have aspects of both character types, and self-inflation can characterize either one.

"Because treatment considerations are quite different for the two groups (e.g., sympathetic mirroring comforts most narcissistic people but antagonizes antisocial ones) despite the things they have in common and the number of people who have aspects of each orientation, it seems to me more useful to differentiate carefully between them."

The initial murder of the serial murderer may reflect a "new identity." The pathological object-relations of narcissism and the malignant narcissism are important diagnostic indicators in the personality functioning of serial killers and the occurrence of these phenomena is a significant factor in the formation of the personalities of serial killers, their inner motivations, and their pattern of commission.

From Abstract: Child serial murder-psychodynamics: closely watched shadows.

J Am Acad Psychoanal 2001 Summer;29(2):331-8 (Turco, R.)

The key to understanding possession, says Meloy, is narcissism. "We know from the research that psychopaths have a core, aggressive narcissism that is fundamental to their personality. If you remove that narcissism, you don't have a psychopath."
Forensic psychologist J. Reid Meloy, author of a standard text on deviant criminal behavior, "The Psychopathic Mind."

Know what you are dealing with. This sounds easy but in fact can be very difficult. All the reading in the world cannot immunize you from the devastating effects of psychopaths. Everyone, including the experts, can be taken in, conned, and left bewildered by them. A good psychopath can play a concerto on anyone's heart strings.

Labels: characteristics, con man, devastating, motivation, narcissism, narcissists, pathology, psychopath

shared by Barbara at 12:57 AM 5 comments

Covert Incest

Covert incest typically occurs in families where one parent (the shadow parent) does not actively participate in family affairs, thus setting the stage for the other parent (the invasive parent) to turn to a child for emotional support. The invasive parent in effect makes the child a surrogate spouse who is forced to take on the responsibilities of the shadow parent. The roles are essentially reversed; instead of the parent looking after the child, the child is responsible for the parent's well being. This is a terrible burden for a child to carry, as a child is incapable of meeting the emotional needs of an adult.

Relationship problems are endemic amongst covert incest survivors. They often fall for the wrong type of partner—someone who is a replica of their invasive parent. Thus, their emotional needs remain unfulfilled which leads to unhappy relationships.

Because of the conflicting emotions that result from growing up with an invasive parent, survivors usually find themselves both attracted and repulsed by members of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on their sexual orientation and gender of the invasive parent).

In addition, since the atmosphere in which they were raised was sexually charged, it is common for survivors of covert incest to use sex as a means to intimacy. This can result in sexual addiction or other types of dysfunctional behaviors as an adult.

Covert incest can persist all the way into adulthood. As long as one remains in such a relationship, it is impossible to form healthy relationships with others. Unless the close bond with the invasive parent is altered, the parent will continue to interfere in the life of the child, causing problems to arise in relationships.

If the invasive parent refuses to change the nature of the relationship, there may be no other recourse than separation. This separation can be temporary or permanent. What is important is for the child to set firm boundaries which the parent cannot cross. Depending on the severity of the situation, it may even be necessary to permanently separate from the invasive parent.

SOURCE

Labels: covert incest, invasive, narcissistic parent, overbearing, replacement, separate

shared by Barbara at 12:30 AM 0 comments

Protecting Yourself and Escaping from Abuse

Getting out of an abusive or violent relationship isn’t easy. Maybe you’re still hoping that things will change or you’re afraid of what your partner will do if he discovers you’re trying to leave. Whatever your reasons, you probably feel trapped and helpless.

But help is available. There are many resources available for abused and battered women, including crisis hotlines, shelters—even job training, legal services, and childcare. You deserve to live free of fear. Start by reaching out.

Why doesn’t she just leave?

It’s the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is being battered and abused. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple. Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.

If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it.

Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety. If you are being abused, remember: You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated. You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve a safe and happy life. Your children deserve a safe and happy life. You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

Making the decision to leave

As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind: If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change... The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.

If you believe you can help your abuser... It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.

If your partner has promised to stop the abuse... When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.

If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers... Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become. If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave... You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.

Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:

He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
He continues to blame others for his behavior.
He claims that you’re the one who is abusive.
He pressures you to go to couple’s counseling.
He tells you that you owe him another chance.
You have to push him to stay in treatment.
He says that he can’t change unless you stay with him and support him.
He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.

Help for abused and battered women: Safety planning

Whether or not you’re ready to leave your abuser, there are things you can do to protect yourself. These safety tips can make the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life.

Prepare for emergencies

Know your abuser’s red flags.
Be on alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence.
Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.
Identify safe areas of the house.
Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.
Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and the police should be called.

Make an escape plan

Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.
Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked.
Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly.
Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).
Practice escaping quickly and safely.
Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser.
If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.
Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts.
Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police.
Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.

If You Stay

If you decide at this time to stay with your abusive partner, there are some things you can try to make your situation better and to protect yourself and your children. Contact the domestic violence/sexual assault program in your area. They can provide emotional support, peer counseling, safe emergency housing, information, and other services while you are in the relationship, as well as if you decide to leave.
Build as strong a support system as your partner will allow. Whenever possible, get involved with people and activities outside your home and encourage your children to do so.
Be kind to yourself! Develop a positive way of looking at yourself and talking to yourself.
Use affirmations to counter the negative comments you get from the abuser.
Allow yourself time for doing things you enjoy.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence

Protecting your privacy

You may be afraid to leave or ask for help out of fear that your partner will retaliate if he finds out. This is a legitimate concern. However, there are precautions you can take to stay safe and keep your abuser from finding out what you’re doing. When seeking help for domestic violence and abuse, it’s important to cover your tracks, especially when you’re using the phone or the computer.

Phone safety

When seeking help for domestic violence, call from a public pay phone or another phone outside the house if possible. In the U.S., you can call 911 for free on most public phones, so know where the closest one is in case of emergency.
Avoid cordless telephones. If you’re calling from your home, use a corded phone if you have one, rather than a cordless phone or cell phone. A corded phone is more private, and less easy to tap. Call collect or use a prepaid phone card.
Remember that if you use your own home phone or telephone charge card, the phone numbers that you call will be listed on the monthly bill that is sent to your home. Even if you’ve already left by the time the bill arrives, your abuser may be able to track you down by the phone numbers you’ve called for help.
Check your cell phone settings. There are cell phone technologies your abuser can use to listen in on your calls or track your location. Your abuser can use your cell phone as a tracking device if it has GPS, is in “silent mode,” or is set to “auto answer.” So consider turning it off when not in use or leaving it behind when fleeing your abuser.
Get your own cell phone. Consider purchasing a prepaid cell phone or another cell phone that your abuser doesn’t know about. Some domestic violence shelters offer free cell phones to battered women. Call your local hotline to find out more.

Computer and Internet safety

Abusers often monitor their partner’s activities, including their computer use. While there are ways to delete your Internet history, this can be a red flag to your partner that you’re trying to hide something, so be very careful. Furthermore, it is almost impossible to clear a computer of all evidence of the websites that you have visited, unless you know a lot about computers. Use a safe computer.

If you seek help online, you are safest if you use a computer outside of your home. You can use a computer at work, a friend’s house, the library, your local community center, or a domestic violence shelter or agency.

Be cautious with email and instant messaging

Email and instant messaging are not the safest way to get help for domestic violence. Be especially careful when sending email, as your abuser may know how to access your account. You may want to consider creating a new email account that your abuser doesn’t know about. Change your user names and passwords. Create new usernames and passwords for your email, online banking, and other sensitive accounts. Even if you don’t think your abuser has your passwords, he may have guessed or used a spyware or keylogging program to get them. Choose passwords that your abuser can’t guess (avoid birthdays, nicknames, and other personal information).

Protecting yourself from GPS surveillance and recording devices

Your abuser doesn’t need to be tech savvy in order to use surveillance technology to monitor your movements and listen in on your conversations. Be aware that your abuser may be using hidden cameras, such as a “Nanny Cam,” or even a baby monitor to check in on you. Global Positioning System (GPS) devices are also cheap and easy to use. GPS devices can be hidden in your car, your purse, or other objects you carry with you.

Your abuser can also use your car’s GPS system to see where you’ve been. If you discover any tracking or recording devices, leave them be until you’re ready to leave. While it may be tempting to remove them or shut them off, this will alert your abuser that you’re on to him.

Domestic violence shelters

A domestic violence shelter or women’s shelter is a building or set of apartments where abused and battered women can go to seek refuge from their abusers. The location of the shelter is kept confidential in order to keep your abuser from finding you. Domestic violence shelters generally have room for both mothers and their children. The shelter will provide for all your basic living needs, including food and childcare. The length of time you can stay at the shelter is limited, but most shelters will also help you find a permanent home, job, and other things you need to start a new life.

The shelter should also be able to refer you to other services for abused and battered women in your community, including:

Legal help
Counseling
Support groups
Services for your children
Employment programs
Health-related services
Educational opportunities
Financial assistance

Protecting your privacy at a domestic violence shelter

If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women’s refuge, you do not have to give identifying information about yourself, even if asked. While shelters take many measures to protect the women they house, giving a false name may help keep your abuser from finding you, particularly if you live in a small town.

Protecting yourself after you’ve left

Keeping yourself safe from your abuser is just as important after you’ve left as before. To protect yourself, you may need to relocate so your former partner can’t find you. If you have children, they may need to switch schools.

To keep your new location a secret:

Get an unlisted phone number.
Use a post office box rather than your home address. Apply to your state’s address confidentiality program, a service that confidentially forwards your mail to your home.
Cancel your old bank accounts and credit cards, especially if you shared them with your abuser.
When you open new accounts, be sure to use a different bank.
If you’re remaining in the same area, change up your routine. Take a new route to work, avoid places where your abuser might think to locate you, change any appointments he knows about, and find new places to shop and run errands.
You should also keep a cell phone on you at all times and be ready to call 911 if you spot your former abuser.

Restraining orders
You may want to consider getting a restraining order or protective order against your abusive partner. However, remember that the police can enforce a restraining order only if someone violates it, and then only if someone reports the violation. This means that you must be endangered in some way for the police to step in.

If you are the victim of stalking or abuse, you need to carefully research how restraining orders are enforced in your neighborhood. Find out if the abuser will just be given a citation or if he will actually be taken to jail. If the police simply talk to the violator or give a citation, your abuser may reason that the police will do nothing and feel empowered to pursue you further. Or your abuser may become angry and retaliate.

Do not feel falsely secure with a restraining order!
You are not necessarily safe if you have a restraining order or protection order. The stalker or abuser may ignore it, and the police may do nothing to enforce it. To learn about restraining orders in your area of the U.S., call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or contact your state's Domestic Violence Coalition.

Taking steps to heal and move on

The scars of domestic violence and abuse run deep. The trauma of what you’ve been through can stay with you long after you’ve escaped the abusive situation. Counseling, therapy, and support groups for domestic abuse survivors can help you process what you’ve been through and learn how to build new and healthy relationships. After the trauma you’ve been through, you may be struggling with upsetting emotions, frightening memories, or a sense of constant danger that you just can’t kick. Or you may feel numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. When bad things happen, it can take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again. But treatment and support from family and friends can speed your recovery from emotional and psychological trauma. Whether the traumatic event happened years ago or yesterday, you can heal and move on.

Building healthy new relationships

After getting out of an abusive situation, you may be eager to jump into a new relationship and finally get the intimacy and support you’ve been missing. But it’s wise to go slow. Take the time to get to know yourself and to understand how you got into your previous abusive relationship. Without taking the time to heal and learn from the experience, you’re at risk of falling back into abuse.

Where to turn for help for domestic violence or abuse

In an emergency: Call 911 or your country’s emergency service number if you need immediate assistance or have already been hurt.

Helplines for advice and support:

US and Canada: http://domesticshelters.org

In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.

Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.

Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.

In the US: visit Womenslaw.org for a state-by-state directory of domestic violence shelters in the

U.S. MEN CAN BE VICTIMS TOO! CLICK HERE FOR MORE

SOURCE

Labels: abuse, emotional abuse, escaping abuse, gaslighting, getting help, getting out, invalidation, leaving, narcissist, psychological abuse, psychopath, sociopath, verbal abuse

shared by Barbara at 12:42 AM 2 comments

Working Towards Emotional Healing: Dealing with Shame

As You Work Toward Emotional Healing
Survivors of abuse often have to deal with feelings of shame. There is an important difference between shame and guilt, and that is the key to dealing with shame effectively.

Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary defines shame as "the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another." And yes, it is a painful feeling, and is VERY common among survivors of abuse.

For our discussion, we'll make some simplifications. Guilt is an emotion and a legal concept that belongs to the perpetrator, the initiator of an act of abuse.

Shame is an emotion that afflicts the victim, the recipient of an act of abuse. Obviously, the perp should feel shame as well as guilt, but often feels neither, so we'll leave that out of this discussion. We'll talk about how victims can deal with shame.

Even if you have worked hard to deal with guilt, and have assigned guilt to the person who abused you, and resolved the fact that no guilt belongs to you, shame may still be making you miserable. Shame rises out of a sense of powerlessness and frustration, as well as the continual feeling of shock that something this horrible has happened to you. Both men and women deal with shame, but experts believe that in general, among abuse survivors, women tend to feel more guilt, and men tend to feel more shame. But generalizations can be dangerous, and let's just agree that both shame and guilt can make people miserable.

Emotional Wound
First, it helps to realize that the actual physical act of abuse is not as important as you think. The physical act, whatever it may have been, was done by the perp to give himself a feeling of power, and to give you a feeling of powerlessness. The act was carefully chosen by the perp, thinking like a torturer, to give you the most emotional pain. So when dealing with shame, don't think in terms of healing your physical wounds. You must think of it in emotional terms, and analyze what your emotional wounds are.

For your physical wounds, you went to a doctor or an emergency room. For your emotional wounds, you have to see a therapist. Many people resist this step, but it is no stranger than seeing a doctor for your bruises or cuts, and is every bit as important.

An aside: I've had physical wounds. A few hours after a major surgery, I was taken to get a CAT Scan. I had a large, freshly sutured incision on my stomach. The iodine solution I had to drink for the CAT Scan made me vomit, and it felt like it was ripping my incision open, and ripping my entire body apart. What's my point? I've had physical pain. Emotional pain hurts more. That's my point.

Powerlessness
The powerlessness, the fear, the shock of the abuse is behind your feeling of shame. Even if you know the perp is guilty, that doesn't necessarily affect your feelings of shame. You need to realize that the perpetrator worked very hard to ensure that he had all of the power, and you had none. Abusers will use the element of surprise. Abusers will use an age difference, especially when adults abuse children, but also when adults abuse the elderly. Abusers will use weapons. Abusers will use threats and coercion -- "unless you have sex with me, I'll assault your younger sister"; some are much more subtle. Abusers will use economic issues, like threatening to evict the victim unless they comply.

Batterers are especially fond of economic power, and will make sure that if their battered wife leaves them, she will have no options for taking care of herself or the children. Abusers will use gender issues to cultivate fear, wherein the man is comfortable with violence and the woman is not, even though there may not be a large difference in their physical sizes.The thing to remember is that no matter what the specifics are, the perpetrator has taken enormous pains to make sure that this is not a fair fight; that all of the advantages are his, and you have none at all. It is not fair for you to feel that you "should" have been able to do something to stop it. The perpetrator made sure you couldn't. In those circumstances, almost nobody could have. The abuse happened because the perpetrator planned it carefully, and was never, never fair.

It's not because you were weak, or cowardly, or gullible, or stupid.

Let's use a poker-playing analogy. You didn't lose because you were a lousy poker player. You lost because the perp was using a marked deck that he had prepared himself. He made sure he dealt himself four aces, and he made sure he dealt you nothing of value. He cheated, from beginning to end. That card game had nothing to do with your skill at playing cards.

Some people are helped by making a two-column chart, where they write down the things that describe the perpetrator in one column, and the things that described themselves at the time in the other column. It ends up looking something like this:

AGE: Perp was in his thirties. I was six years old.
STRENGTH: Perp was an adult. I was a little boy.
STRATEGY: Perp planned a surprise attack. I was innocent and unsuspecting.
PREPARATION: Perp was a predator. Nobody had even mentioned this subject to me before in my life.

As you proceed with this chart, it will become more and more clear how unfair and lopsided the contest was. It will help you understand and feel why shame is not a fair emotion for you to have.

The Perp Was Lying
Remember, too, that the shame has been carefully implanted in you by the perpetrator.

There are two reasons for this: first, that is how he got his pleasure; by making you feel ashamed. Second, that is how he hoped to keep you from reporting the act to someone who had power over him.

No matter what the perp said to you, it was wrong. Nothing he said was true; everything he said was a lie to serve himself. It made him feel good and it made him feel safe. As long as the shame persists, it is giving him power. If you reject the shame, you are taking a major step in fighting back. If you reject the shame, you will make him feel bad, and you will make him feel unsafe. If you reject the shame, you will be taking power away from him, and empowering yourself.

Talking about abuse is never easy. But if you talk to an expert, the expert will know that there is no guilt on your head, and no shame either. The expert will know how deeply you have been wounded, and will know how completely unfair the situation was to you. The expert will admire you for having survived, and for having the courage to step forward and talk about it.

The expert will also know how you can heal from your emotional wounds, and will be happy to share that information with you.

If the abuse is ongoing, or if it happened thirty years ago, the emotional wounds are still very real. It is never too late to start working on emotional healing. Call your local women's crisis center or child abuse prevention center and ask for help. To find the center nearest you, call your county social services office for the name and phone number of the crisis centers. Or find a qualified therapist to work on these issues.

The other thing to do is to start seeing a therapist to help heal your emotional wounds. If you are hesitant about that, check out this article I wrote about what therapy can do for you.

The experts at the women's crisis center or child abuse prevention center can help you find a good therapist who specializes in helping people just like you. Right now, you are all alone with this problem. It is time to get some friends and allies on your side, to take power away from the perp and keep it for yourself, to regain a sense of strength and confidence, to eliminate the emotional pain that is grinding you down, to mobilize the power structure of your county against the criminal who abused you.

If you recognize the difference between guilt and shame, and then isolate each of them, you can work with a therapist to kill them off, one by one. If you have been abused, 100% of the guilt is on the perpetrator, and none is on you. Zero. Zip. Nada. And if you have been abused, 100% of the shame belongs on the perpetrator too. And none belongs on you.

Zero. Zip. Nada.

Not even a smidgen.

Labels: abuse, control, emotional healing, emotional rape, guilt, power, shame, toxic guilt

shared by Barbara at 12:05 AM 9 comments

A Passive Aggressive Husband Shields Himself From Intimacy

By Nora Femenia, Ph.D.

Living with a passive aggressive husband is a very disconcerting experience. You are fighting against shadows, and it is possible that it takes you a long time to realize the real nature of the relationship. By "fighting against shadows," we want to convey the meaning that you never have a concrete, real, and constant obstacle.

As it is based in an emotional resistance to intimacy, then you get all the gamut of denial, evasion, silence, and all the ways of "not really being here with you" he can muster. This style of communication is usually perceived by the victim as in this case: "My husband never says my name; he fails to acknowledge my presence, does not give me any compliments ever or volunteer help or information. He rarely asks me a question of any kind, or God forbid, inquire about my wants, needs, feelings, etc."

The wife's experience is one of emotional abandonment, including rejection of any intimacy. His safest moves are usually connected with the basics of shared life: food, household items, the weather, car issues.

What is missing here? the very heart of marriage, which is a level of openness and intimacy: the ability to connect with intangibles such as feelings and perceptions and dreams. "He has cut almost all connections between us and fails to participate in our marriage relationship. He never drinks, smokes, yells or hits me, but I'd prefer that he do, so I can know what is inside him...."

WHAT IS PASSIVE AGGRESSION?

Passive aggression is caused by a person's learned and deep fear of expressing his/her anger directly to whoever (in this case his spouse) is aggravating them, having to resort to covert abuse to express their frustration and anger. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse. Covert abuse is subtle, and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be accidental.

A passive aggressive personality involves a set of "resistance" behaviors-from innocuously dropping things or seeming to forget tasks, to open task procrastination. It can escalate to all-out sabotage-in which case we recognize that there is a passive aggressor's intention to get back at his partner without that person being able to recognize his underlying anger, or doing something to resolve it.

Passive aggressive people have an ax to grind concerning past situations where their right to anger was not allowed to surface. Probably in their family of origin there were threats of abandonment or any other punishment preventing them from being honest with their feelings, and thus they never learned how to be able to express them in the most appropriate way. Now, as adults, their aim is to resist work, couple and other social demands, because they identify them as coming from the hated enemy of their past: such as parents and authority figures.

This unsolved anger business, a leftover from their past, is being re-enacted now on a daily basis against unsuspecting partners: bosses, spouses, parents, teachers, or anyone who has power or authority.

PA husbands take genuine pleasure here and now in frustrating their spouse, seen as "stand in" or replacement for the authority figures of their past. Any spouse can stand in the role of the absent parent, master or teacher, unknowingly "invited" to participate in this game while thinking that they are instead in a cooperative partnership among equals. A passive aggressive husband can drive his wife into a crazy and confused state, but he seems sincerely dismayed when confronted with his behavior.

Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive person often feels that other people misunderstands them or are holding them to unreasonable standards when confronting him about his behavior.

You will need to accept the loneliness of the single parent having to raise a family with scant support and no companionship and hope for the best. This acceptance has to be temporary or you run a very real risk: being in a long time marriage sustained by an unconscious deal: she fears loneliness, so she stays, and he can be who he is for ever, denying the time passage and the fact that people (eventually) mature with age.

IN CONCLUSION:

The PA husband is battling the wrong war: he is defending himself here and now against the perceived intrusion of his father/mother in his inner selfhood and does not see you, his partner, as a different person in a different, cooperative relationship;

He cannot distinguish between different kinds of humans and different kinds of relationships, so his reaction is always as if he was back in the past, having to protect himself from that person who oppressed him. The tragedy is that now that person is the person he says he loves...

Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc.

SOURCE

Labels: abuse, covert, diomestic violence, loneliness, narcissist, no intimacy, no support, passive-aggressive, selfish, sexless marriage

shared by Barbara at 12:25 AM 1 comments

Victims: How to File a Complaint about a DV "Service Provider"

If you are a victim that has been left behind, overly referred, ignored or denied services by a domestic violence agency or shelter, please file a formal complaint with your Attorney General’s office and local public officials using this template letter.

Sample Template:

(replace what is in RED with what is pertinent to YOUR situation)

As a victim of domestic violence, I would like to file a formal complaint about the following Victim Service Providers in XXX County and STATE:

Grace Smith Shelter

Family Services

NYS Coalition

Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence

I have reached out to the above agencies in need of services and these agencies could not provide assistance with the following:

Transportation

Emergency funds

Pro bono attorney assistance and legal advice

I would like to request that immediate attention is given to this issue and the agencies above investigated. I am in need and my ability to obtain assistance is vital.

I would be happy to provide you and your office with any documentation that you will need in order for this issue to be addressed.

Thank you,

YOUR NAME & CONTACT INFORMATION

SOURCE

Labels: assistance, blame the victim, dv reform, dv run around, pro bono

shared by Barbara at 12:36 AM 0 comments

Know Excuses

KNOW EXCUSES!
Abusers will minimize, justify, deny, distort, lie about and blame others for their behavior to escape consequences, It is our responsibility to hold them accountable.

The following quotes are taken from batterers in the Alternatives to Domestic Aggression (ADA) Program of Catholic Social Services of Washtenaw County.

I wasn't able to stop there
It was an accident
I don't accept change
I didn't know how to be accountable
Accountability didn't stick with me
I didn't get my act together
I didn't adapt to the way society is now
My adrenaline overflowed
We're Afro-American / Hispanic / Italian / etc. and that's how we talk
She was coming after me
It was an afterthought
I guess I got too aggressive
That's what got me aggressive
Everything was up in the air
Alcohol came in to play
Alcohol brought the violence out of me
Alcohol enhanced the problem
Alcohol escalates a little bit
The alcohol controlled me
Alcohol was involved
The alcohol started talking
Alcohol set me off like a keg of dynamite
I had an alcohol problem
I had a little alcohol
I'm more succeptable to violence on alcohol
The alcohol changes my personality
It was an alcohol related incident
I was really under the influence of alcohol
She allowed it
It was a lot at one time
There was an altercation happening
We got into a little altercation
I had no alternatives
She was anemic
I tried to let her know what life is like in America
That's how I am
I didn't analyze the situation
Anger comes out of me
The anger escalates
I have an anger problem
I was venting my anger
I couldn't control my anger
I had an anger problem
I did it out of anger
I don't handle anger well
Anger creates violence
I had an inability to control my anger
My anger controlled me
I didn't know how to vent my anger in a different way
I was into the anger thing
My anger got the better of my rational thinking
I got angry and didn't use patience
I didn't have the right answers
We kept upping the ante
It was an animal response to a perceived threat
An argument broke out
Before I knew it we got to arguing
It's an arguing type situation
We had a violent argument
The argument started in the bedroom and went into the kitchen
I was avoiding an argument
We got into an argument match
I got into a violent argument
The argument got out of hand
We had a basic sibling argument
We had a normal argument
We had a domestic argument
We just had an argument
We had physical arguments
It was an overheated argument
We were in a heated argument
We both used all of our artillery
She asked me to hit her
I was half asleep
I didn't have an opportunity to be assertive
It was a detrimental atmosphere
I kind of got an attitude
I have an attitude problem
I bring alot of attitude home with me from work
My attitude overtook my actions
It became automatic
It's kind of automatic
I was avoiding the bigger problem
I was avoiding hurting her
I was avoiding punching her
I didn't get away from the situation
I came back on her
My back was up against the wall
I backslid
I was just getting back at her in some demented way
I had a physical background
If she was a bad woman she deserved a pop in the eye
My relationship went bad
It got really bad
I'm baffled about it all
I was baited into it
She lost her balance
I went bananas
She was in the bar
Without thinking I barked
It was that strong German beer
That behavior came out
My behavior was wrong
My behavior repeated itself
It was violent behavior
Being what I am
Things got the best of me
It was the best I could do
I let my inner self get the best of me
I was beside myself watching
I wasn't a better man
I just avoided the bigger problem
Sometimes I get angry and blackout
I blew up
The flame blew
It built up inside until I blew up
It was a blight on our weekend
I was blind to what was going on
Sometimes I have blinders on
The abuse blossomed in our relationship
It's in my blood
The blood boiled
We blow up at each other
We had a blowout
I might have blown up
It happened out of the blue
I blurted out
My anger boiled over
I got to my boiling point
I was boiling
I just boiled over
I took so much until I get to the boiling point
I didn't put it in my book
All of a sudden, boom, it happens
Then, boom, out of nowhere
I was born with aggressiveness
I let women bother me
I was boxed in
I didn't engage my brain before my mouth
I didn't know how to break off
I didn't put on the breaks
We had a mutual breakup
I was brewing
I was pushed to the brink
That's when everything broke loose
I broke
I broke there
I was brought up that way
I guess things build up in me
It builds up
It was all built up inside me
A lot of things built up to it
Everything built up on me
I build and build and one day boom
I was like a bull in heat
It was the stress of my buttons being pushed
All the time people push my buttons
I let a lot of things push my buttons
She controlled my buttons
She pushed my anger buttons
She taunted me
I had a buzz on
Sometimes it just goes right by
I calmed her down
She destroyed my calm
I couldn't calm down
I couldn't keep it calm
That's the way it came out
The abuse came up out of me
It came out of me before I could stop and think about it
It just came out
I can't shut up
I wasn't careful
I was getting too carried away
I got carried away
I didn't catch myself
I didn't catch a key subject that came up
I was caught off guard
I got caught up in anger
I got caught up in my violent behavior
I got caught up in this one incident
I got caught up in the situation
Something caused me to do it
It was cause and effect
It takes two to cause
I was off center
I didn't get a second chance
I changed
I was going through some changes
Chemicals altered my way of judgment
My chemistry takes over
I was just being childish
I didn't have a choice
I had no choice
I made the wrong choice
I made a bad choice
I made bad choices
I made horrible choices
I made some real poor choices
I don't choose to yell and scream
I was in a violent circle
The whole circumstance came down
I don't know if I'm going to click
It wasn't the suit of clothes I wanted to put on
Cocaine showed the bad side of me
There was physical combat between us
The b-word comes out
It comes out
It just comes out that way
This problem kept coming up
My anxiety and frustration starts coming out
I couldn't communicate with her
Our communication didn't work
It takes two to tango
It's the only way I know how to cover up my communication skills
I put myself in a compromising situation
I couldn't concentrate
I jumped to conclusions
I had a nervous condition
I was conditioned to act that way
There was a confrontation
I got confused
I'm no good at confusion
I did not consciously do it
We had hostile contact
I was out of my context
I was containing her
I couldn't control my temper
I wasn't in control enough of what I said
It led on to where I got out of control
I couldn't talk without losing control
I lost control and everything bad
It was a situation I couldn't control
My efforts to control myself failed repeatedly
I was on the verge of losing control
I got out of control
I lost more control
I didn't have enough control
I tend to get out of control
Things got way out of control
I didn't know how to control myself
I was being controlled by someone else
I felt like she was controlling me
I was backed into a corner
We both lost control
I couldn't avoid a confrontation
I couldn't take it anymore!
I couldn't stop it
We're like a lot of couples in that respect
It had to run its course
I cracked
I went crazy
It was crazy
I just went crazy
My bad attitude crept back in
I crossed the border
I crossed over
I'm on a cruise
It was the culmination of a lot of bad things
It was a daily abusive thing
We did this dance together
I had a hard day
I brought a bad day home with me
I was having a hard day
It's just how I deal with things
I couldn't deal with it
I couldn't deal with the situation
I just f'ed up and made the wrong decision
I made that bad decision
I made the wrong decision
I made a very, very bad decision
I went off the deep end
It's a character defect
I reacted to defend myself
I was defending myself
I automatically take a defense
It was a defensive reaction
I was brought up on the defensive side
It was a delusional thought I acted on
I was deranged with bitterness
I'm not perfect at diagnosing people's problems
I didn't do it
I was diffusing her upset and irrational behavior
I was just directing her out
I have never directly abused them from a physical standpoint
I didn't have self-discipline
We had some discrepancies
She was just as bad
It's a disease
That's my attention deficit disorder
It was a minor dispute
It was a divorce issue
I was on her like a rabid dog
I don't know what I do
It was a domestic dispute
I took a dominant role
It was a real cheap door
She went down to the ground
I didn't realize what was going on until it all went down
I get angry when I drink
The drinking made it physical
I was driven toward that goal
I was drunk
She initiated the whole thing by being drunk
I was half way drunk
I go off the edge
I was right on the edge
She took me over the edge
I was set over the edge
I get too emotional
I get a little bit too emotional
I am emotionally weak
My emotions were at their wits' end
I should have handled my emotions better
My emotions take over
I didn't keep my emotions down
My emotions erupt
I can't handle my emotions
I had angry, violent emotions
I ended up hurting her shoulder
I ended up hitting her
I ended the argument
Drinking enhanced my problem
It had an energy of its own
I couldn't do enough for her
I didn't remove myself from the abusive environment
I'm not equipped to handle things ahead of time
It erupted in me
I finally erupted
Violence erupts
The argument would escalate
Our fight was escalating
Everything escalated
We escalated our voices
It escalated to physical abuse
It got escalated
The situation really escalated
It escalated from that
It kept escalating on
A small argument escalated into a serious situation
I got even with her
It was an abusive event
My evil side came out that night
I'm not the domestic violator her ex-husband was
We exchanged some words
There were words exchanged
I didn't see any exit
I more or less expected her to be obedient
I explode
I hold it in and then explode
Things build up and I explode
I exploded at her
I exploded at them
She was irrational and explosive
I was just expressing my opinion
We got in each others face
I was a failure
I took a fall
It's easy to fall into things
It had gone too far
We went farther than any time before
I was going too fast
My father doesn't have a lot of patience
It's a fault of mine
It's a fault that leads to argumentation
I returned the favor
My fear came out in abuse
I was fed up
I don't feel good
I fell into it
I fell back into it
I fell off the map
I fell back into that old person
It was a situation I fell into
It festered until it came out into the open
I couldn't figure her out
We ended up getting in a fight
Our fight got extreme
We had a fight
We had a fist fight
We got in a fight
It was because we were fighting
The fights started to get a little more physical
I find myself doing it
My finger poked her in the eye
My fingernails grow too fast
My fingernails were a little longer than they are now
It was the first thing that came to me
I did not use fisticuffs
I was too fixated
I flew off the handle
It's because of my flighty thinking
I fly off the handle
It set me off on a bad foot
I realized that I used too much force
She forced me to
I was forced to
We found ourselves in conflict
I found myself arguing back with her
I found myself somewhere I didn't want to be
I found myself chasing her
I'd freak out
I was in a frenzy
I was venting frustration
We f'ed up
I blew a fuse
I have a short fuse
I had a short fuse
I blew a gasket
She poured gasoline on the fire
I'm a Gemini
It was a generational cycle
In my generation it's the way we spoke
It was a generational thing
It's in my genes
I was genetically born with it
My anger came out like a bad Genie
I was on my gentlemanly way and she proceeded to hit me
I let her get to me
I let it get to me
She would get me to do it
I go off
I could only go so far
I let myself go
She got my goat
I got going with what I had to do
I got going
I'm not good in one-on-one relationships
I thought the violence was going to be gone
There was a gun involved
It had gone too far
She got to me
That's the way I grew up
I got into a groove of life
I didn't want to grow up
She wasn't grown up
It caught me off guard
That's the kind of guy I am
I have this bad habit
It's a bad habit
Force of habit
I picked up her bad habits
I had to
Things got out of hand
I used my hands
Every man should be able to handle one woman
I had a hard day
An argument happened
What happened, happened
When that happened
The assault happened
It happened that way
Things happened quick one night
It happened in an argument
It's what happened in the past
It just happened
It happened
We fight and it happens again
Sometimes that happens
Came to a head
I didn't know what was heading me into this
I was headed down that road
Heat of the moment
It happened in the heat of an argument
Sometimes when the heat gets turned up things come out
It got heated up
Heat of passion
I got heated up
Some heated words were exchanged
I held her back from hitting me
I got into it with her
All hell broke loose
I can't help myself
It's hereditary
I have a high history of violence in my life
I was holding her in my arms
She's just a woman scorned
The honeymoon wore off
She had a bad hormonal imbalance
It was a hot button
My house needs to be designed differently
It's an abusive house
It's because I'm human
I had no idea I would be offensive
I was showing my ignorance
It was in me
I was into the battering incident
They were incidents
I had there have been incidents of violence
I was incoherent
She initiated the violence
Hell hath no fury...
I dealt with it inappropriately
I went insane
It was an insecure thing
Alcohol was the instigator
It's my basic instinct
It's my aggressive male instinct
I was not very intelligent
I got into it with her
I was intoxicated
I introduced a gun into the discussion
I was too personally involved
I was irrational
It was rather isolated
It was a wrong judgment call
It's our karma
I was acting like a little kid
We knew each other too well
The next thing I knew The knife was thrown in the fire
We knocked each other down
I didn't know better
I don't know what came over me after a while I just - I don't know
I didn't know what I was doing
I don't know how it came up
I was lacking in communication
I lapsed in to my same pattern
It was too late to pause and reflect
I didn't laugh, my lip just went up
I didn't learn my lesson
One thing led to another
It all led up to that
I was on the edge of what was legal
I was giving her a lesson
We didn't let it go
I had license to be angry
Violence was a part of our life
Sometimes life is abusive
I've been living that lifestyle
Liquor makes me violent
I was with her too long
There are situations where I really lose control
I was verbally losing it
I was losing it
I lost my ability to control myself
I lost my cool
I lost control
I lost it
We get loud sometimes
It was loud
We weren't in love
I have a problem with lying
It makes me
I was not being a man
I'm not that kind of man
It manifested itself
It was a bad marriage
That's not me
I didn't mean to hurt her
I didn't mean to do it
I didn't mean it
It was a meeting of the thing
All the men in my family do it
It was a bad mess
I was a messed up person
She messed me up
Your mind comes up against a roadblock
I can't know what was in my mind
I don't know what was going through my mind
My mind wasn't on it
I wasn't in my everyday mind
I naturally wasn't in my right mind
I had too much on my mind
I wasn't in my right mind
I was misinterpreted
I made a stupid mistake
It was a mistake
I made a human mistake
I repeated my mistake
It was because of how she spent money
It was my mood change
I was in a mood
It was this ornery mood I have
I was in a bad mood
She was in the arguing mode
We have our moments
There was still more abuse after that
I was going through the motions
I engaged my mouth without thinking
I moved her out of the way
I came back to myself
It's a natural human response
It's just my nature
Somebody needed to do it
She got on my last nerve
I let it get to my nerves
I get nervous
I didn't go to a neutral place
I am a non-violent person
It was before noon
I wasn't my normal self
It came out of nowhere
I was still numb
Out on the nut
The fight occurred
An affair occurred
I went off
I offered to shoot my wife
I had an old-fashioned way of doing things
It was the only way I knew
I couldn't let the opportunity go by
My abuse got out of hand
I had an outburst
We had a violent outburst
I was over reacting
I overreacted a little bit
I reacted totally overboard
I went overboard
I over-disciplined her
I can't stop being abusive overnight
I overreact
I overreacted to the situation
I overstepped myself
I overstepped my bounds
My parents formed my values
It was a part of me
It was a part of my personality
I can't get past this
I was led down the wrong path
I lost my patience
People let me do it
I was another person it's in my personality
What my inside personality, Igor, did was very bad
I didn't keep things in perspective
It was petty behavior
It was a phase I was going through
The phone hit her
Before I knew it was getting physical
It got a little physical sometimes
When it's about to get physical
I'm not a physical person
I was physical with her
We got physical
Things got physical
We were on a different plain
It went until it played itself out
I was less than pleasant
I couldn't please her
I was just getting my point across
I get to the point where I get somewhat violent
I reached my breaking point
It just popped out of me
Something possessed me to do it
I was powerless and didn't know what to do
She precipitated my way of thinking
I can't think as precise when I'm ticked off
I can't keep the pressure from blowing up and hurting someone
Pressure built up because she goes to school
I can't control the pressure inside of me
I threw my principles out the window
I turned off my principles
I had a big problem with that
I had a little problem
My son had become a problem
I was programmed to act this way
It progressed from that point
She provoked me
I was protecting myself
She pulled her head away
It was a punctuation
Push turned in to shove, shove turned into choking
I get pushed over the edge
It started out as a pushing thing
I'm a pussy if I walk away
It all happened quick
I have a quick temper
Everything happened so quick
I went into the rage
I let the rage get the better of me
It's my rage
I would rage
I woke up in a rage of fighting
I had to express my rage
I kind of ran into a little situation
I was not thinking rationally
I react
I react badly
I reacted stupidly
I react in the same manner
I would react violently
I just reacted
I reacted wrongfully
It automatically caused a reaction
I was out of touch with reality
I didn't realize I was being abusive
I didn't realize I was being controlling
I didn't realize the impact of what
I said I did it for no reason
There was no reason to it
It happened for no apparent reason
My reason went bye-bye
My ability to reason was swept away
It was a reckless act
I couldn't recognize my bad choices
It wasn't recoverable
I was reflecting past aggression
It's a reflex
It was an abusive relationship
Our relationship was going to end anyway
I am guilty of a bad relationship
I relapsed
I had to let it release a little
I released my anger
I needed to remove myself from the situation
I needed to remove the violence from my system
No repair was possible
I was restraining her
I didn't restrain myself
Things were repetitive and hostile
My resentment had a lot of angry energy
I responded
She needed physical restraint
I was restraining her
I retaliated
I should have got rid of her some other way
Everything rolled into one
It was the end of the rope
I guess I got too rough
My father rubbed off on me
She rubbed me the wrong way
We were in a ruckus
Some things were said
She's fat
I just said something back
The scales tipped to set me off
If I had any sense I wouldn't have battered
I had no common sense
I was out of my senses
She set me up
She set me off
It set me off
I was trying to settle her down
I was settling her down
I shot off at the mouth
A shouting match proceeded
I don't know to shut up
I was sick then
It's a sickness
That's a side of me that doesn't show up that often
I got on her bad side
It was that kind of situation
I couldn't get out of the situation
It was a hit or be hit type of situation
The situation didn't diffuse itself
The situation was destined to get out of control
The situation didn't resolve
She put me to sleep
It was a sleeping disorder
Slip of the tongue
She slipped
I slipped in to threats
It was slipping in
I snapped
It grew like a snowball
Something was coming
I was never violent when I was sober
My relationship went sour
She was from the south
We spark off
Sparked a violent streak
Figure of speech
I spoiled a romantic evening
Things happened spontaneously
Spur of the moment
It was a spur of the moment thing
She started it
This is the state we're in
She stepped between us
The stick hit her
I got the short end of the stick
I went by a bunch of stop signs
The storm had to pass
I didn't straighten up
I had a violent streak
I got it from the streets
I just stung her
I was stupid enough to do it
I did it out of stupidity
Things succeeded from there
I succumbed to the fact
It was a big suggestion
I couldn't take it anymore
I thought I was talking nice
I let my temper out
I have a quick temper
I have a problem with losing my temper when we disagree
I didn't know how far my temper could go
I lost my temper
I have a quick and violent temper
I have a problem with my temper
I have a bad temper
My temper's got a lot to do with it
I'm hot tempered
I have a temper problem
I lost my temper enough
I don't know how to hold my temper
I have a short temper
I was just being tender
Things succeeded from there
I didn't give myself time to think
I didn't think about what I did before I did it
I couldn't think
I didn't think
I don't think before I talk
I didn't think enough to walk off
I wasn't thinking straight
I wasn't thinking right
I wasn't thoughtful
It wasn't a threat, it was a promise
I slipped into threats
She takes threats well
It was part of the tide of violence
I'm a time bomb
As time goes on it gets worse
I do it all the time
It was because
I was so tired
I got caught up in a trap
She triggered my actions
Something triggered it
My work triggered me off
We had that trouble
I didn't try hard enough
It takes two for an argument to happen
It takes two to fight
Things were ugly in the house
I was uncertain about myself
It was unconscious
I was unconsciously thinking
I was leading an uncontrollable life
I was unhealthy
I was unloading
I was up all night
It was ugly in the house
It was my upbringing
I got upset and mean
I just get upset
I'm here for being upset
I get upset and worked up
She was used to it
I vented my anger
We used alot of verbal and it turned into physical
I was a victim of her abuse
I have violence problems
I have domestic violence
I got violent with her after she got violent with me
I'm not a violent person
It was a visitation thing
You can only walk away from so much
I couldn't walk away from it
I did not want to do it
That's just the way I am
It was the only way I knew
It was the hot weather
I went back to those old ways
She weighs a lot
We got into it
The discussion was not going well
Things were kind of wild
I tried to wiggle it out
I woke up that way
We had words
My words came out of my mouth
I didn't leave work at work
It was a work related type of thing
I was too worked up
It came up worse than it should have been
We got worse and worse
We wrestled and I won
We ended up wrestling
I made wrong decisions
It took 10 years
I just zipped

contact us at dgarvin@csswashtenaw.org

Labels: abuse, abuser, blame, excuses, projection

shared by Barbara at 12:23 AM 6 comments