Sanctuary for the Abused

Friday, May 06, 2022

Narcissistic Mothers

By Cyndi Lopez

I do not love; I do not love anybody except myself. That is a rather shocking thing to admit. I have none of the selfless love of my mother. I have none of the plodding, practical love. . .   I am, to be blunt and concise, in love only with myself, my puny being with its small inadequate breasts and meager, thin talents. I am capable of affection for those who reflect my own world. – Sylvia Plath

There is a special place in hell for narcissistic mothers. Ms. Plath herself indulged in the ultimate narcissistic act when she committed suicide by sticking her head in the oven while her two young children were asleep in the same apartment. How thoughtful of her to have sealed off their rooms with towels so that the fumes wouldn’t consume them too. She needed someone to live on to remember her and care that she was gone.

Narcissistic mothers do not have children for the same reasons the rest of us do. They do not look forward to the birth of their child because they can’t wait to see what they look like or what type of personality they will have or who they will become. No, they have children for one reason only: More mirrors. They have children so that the children will love them unconditionally, not the other way around. They have children to do things for them. They have children to reflect their false images. They have children to use, abuse and control them.

They don’t see their role as a mother as life’s biggest gift. It’s a burden they didn’t expect. They thought they were creating little “mini-me’s.” They didn’t take into account the fact that somewhere around age 2, these spiteful, ungrateful (in their minds) little creatures start to develop their own individual personalities and wills of their own. For the rest of us, that’s the best part of being a mom — watching our children grow into increasingly independent, confident, free-thinking individuals. For the narcissistic mother, each step away from her is an absolute act of betrayal.

Children have emotions that they express quite freely. This annoying practice is squashed as early as possible since narcissists cannot handle emotions. “What is wrong with you?” and “You’re so oversensitive” and “You’re overreacting” are common phrases uttered to children of narcissists.

These mothers end up resenting all the work that goes into raising a child, having no use for them unless they are achieving, doing something or otherwise reflecting their false image onto them. Children are a nuisance to them, taking precious time away from their own agendas. They don’t like to have to shop for clothes for their children, prepare meals for them, do their laundry, pay for daycare, enroll them in activities, drive them to friends’ houses, throw birthday parties, pay for their college educations or protect them from abuse.

They will smother and overprotect their children under the guise that they are taking care of them. They will fail to provide age-appropriate information on such things as menstruation, personal grooming (make-up, hairstyles, shaving, etc.), budgeting money and dating. This all serves to keep her children under her control as long as possible. If they are ill-informed and overprotected, they will not feel confident to grow or move further away from her.

They will use their children as slaves. They will delegate all household chores to the children as early as possible. They will insist that they pay for their own personal items and clothing as early as possible. Older children will become responsible for younger children. No matter how many of her responsibilities her children take on, it will never be enough or be done well enough. They expect perfection and constantly remind their children that they fail to meet this expectation.

Of course, they train their children to believe that they are the ideal mother. Any evidence to the contrary is to be kept secret at all costs. They will behave much differently toward their children in public than they do at home. They will vehemently deny any wrongdoing on their part and most likely blame their children, completely rewriting history.

Narcissistic mothers don’t stop being narcissists when their children become adults. They will play siblings against each other. They will compare siblings. They will talk to siblings about each other. When they have a problem with one, they will talk to another about it.

They are jealous of their children’s successes, even though they brag to others about them (‘see how great MY kids turned out’). They will make snide comments if they think one of their adult children has a better marriage, house, job, etc. than they do. They are thrilled when they perceive that one of their adult children has failed in some way (although they never tell others about these “failures”; it reflects poorly on them). They are more than happy to assist when necessary because that makes them look good, plus, there is an added bonus of having favors to collect on. Asking a narcissistic mother for a favor feels like selling your soul to the devil. It’s emotional extortion.

These mothers steal their kids’ childhoods, identities and future healthy relationships. They will keep on taking and sucking the life out of their children for as long as they live, if their children allow it. It is incredibly difficult and painful to acknowledge that your mother never loved you without blaming yourself — she raised you to blame yourself for everything. But it is necessary to put the blame where it rightfully belongs in order to insure that this insidious disorder isn’t perpetuated generation after generation.



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shared by Barbara at 12:00 AM



Oh My God, Barbra!

You just explained why my life sucks!

I am in utter shock.

*Gasping away*


2:30 AM  

Thank you for re-posting my article.

2:23 PM  

How are we ever to recover and get help? HOW! Have you noticed that if you look "normal" people won't help you? I have only recently (past four years) been uncovering what has happened to me. My dad is a psychopath and I was raised by him with a psychopathic sister. Now in my forties, all the evil that's been done to me is being revealed. Yet when I have asked for help (all throughout my life), no one even believed that I was abused. All I'd hear is that "You're strong. You're pretty!" like this meant I didn't need help. And, I never thought I was pretty and I certainly KNEW I wasn't strong.

So I read this website and God reveals the truth to me and many others and again I think, why does it take DECADES AFTER THE ABUSE to get help and why aren't we reaching these people before their lives are destroyed? We have no choice or control over who are parents or caregivers are but why aren't we training the professionals (therapist, teachers, doctors etc.) so when they do observe what's going on they can at least let the children know that it's not their fault. Do you know what this means to a child? It means the world to them. That others can see and care.

I don't see anything getting better. Until all therapists, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists etc. are first of all tested to ensure that they themselves aren't psychopaths, and then the rest are properly trained to test and look for emotional abuse and psychopathy/abusers, nothing will change.

10:21 AM  

Was re-reading this article and especially the last two paragraphs. Read them again. We need help people.

The article is talking about a mother but this can be a father or aunt/uncle or caregiver. Basically ANY PSYCHOPATH is capable of doing this to us. They don't feel love, hate everyone and are jealous of everything. They destroy all in their lives. Yet when do we finally learn what they are? AFTER THEY HAVE UTTERLY DESTROYED US OR SOMEONE WE LOVE.

Psychopathy awareness. That these people DESIRE to hurt others. Desire to control, deprive, manipulate, alienate you from your true loved ones and destroy any goodness. This is inherent to a person who's brain functions like a psychopath. And again, why is it when their brains are wired this way, that they MUST hurt others? Why not just a zombie like personality, deviod of any discernible emotions such as love or joy? AND remember, THEY don't have a problem with it, they actually love what they are. The problem is really only that society won't LET them proudly display their greedy nature. It's why they have to hide. But here too they love secrets and gossip and darkness.

So, what should we do people? Pretending that we are all the same has only hurt the hurtable. Psychopaths cannot REALLY be hurt (although they may ACT this way it is really just the "injustice" that they aren't being properly/rightfully worshipped. In THEIR minds anyway.)

Bible reading today was 1 John chapters 1-3. Darkness and light, children of darkness. It's all in there. The more God shows me of psychopathy the more all of what He says in His word shows the truth. Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Psychopaths are a physical representation of their father the devil. I'm very tired.

1:12 PM  

It is truly sad that I have struggled 55 years trying to solve this puzzle of my life. On the positive side at least I have and can maybe help someone else resolve theirs at a much younger age.

3:19 AM  

I havent talked to my N mom in 5 years, but she always makes demands of forgiveness, and it typically comes around Xmas time. She is a horrific person. Hates me and my family, and we were so happy to no longer be contact. Her husband, my father, is a complete and total sycophant, aware of the abuse, but demanding that its my duty to put up with it. They are demanding to see the the children this holiday, (they dont even know what the grand children look like) claiming how they are going to die due to their medical conditions and how they are no reflecting back on life, and how they want to see my precious family. Its all a joke.

6:11 PM  

I too are in my 40's and have only just discovered this to be true of my mother - only as a result from, going on a self discovery mission to try to figure out why my entire life has been plagued with psychopathic, abusive and controlling men - the OMG's and the "dark clarity-reality" moments upon waking from on-going nightmares are a plenty - hard to handle but have no choice to. But it's only become truly apparent about my mother by reading more from both Sanctuary & DONM sites (bless you both and thank you so much for, finally, some validation!!) of the last week so I am very much still in the "last shreds of denial", because the alternative reality of the fact that your mother doesn't love you is just to hard to get your head around (as I'm sure you all already been through). I live in another country from my mum but have 2 sisters, one the golden child (oldest) and it seems me and my middle sister share the scapegoat title - she's the vulnerable one that isn't strong enough to fight her, I've always been the "rebel" one it seems, by means of fighting by arguing back and not accepting everything she tells me, have had many silent treatments over the years since moving away (until I now realise I've been the one to break it and pretend it never happened), and actually seem to be in one now as I speak! I managed to actually tell this discovery to my best friend last night, and thank God she believed me (once again so nice to be heard and validated for a change!!) so I have support of one person luckily. But my biggest worry is my other sister who is in total control by my mother (and suffers from aspergus, a little vulnerable to say the least, I'm BPD (not hard to guess why hey!. My sister had terrible time with money (flatmate milked her out of everything, you know familiar story, beautiful loving empathic person sucked dry by scheming conman) my mother "begrudgingly had to bail her out" but boy did we hear the never end of the hardship she went through by doing so, so now my mother has total control of ALL her finances, accounts, cards etc she has a 'treat a/c' that only my mum can access when she feels she's 'worthy' of it, I could go on. But the worry I feel for my sister, whom I've just started to share this info with is pretty much in the major denial stage - understandably as I've had more time to digest the info as I've done the research - it's very hard to explain on SKYPE this sort of thing - also knowing she's under her manipulative spell day in day out. Help or thoughts anyone? - she can't get a job over there, self esteem shot to pieces and I'm not that much better off myself but at least I'm free geographically=wise. She and my oldest sister gang up on her to find info out about me if she mentions to them we spoke lately (only because we've had contact and not them)- I'm scared now that my newly acquired truths may bite me on the bum so to speak, and my sister unintentionally "leaks" something out to mum, as I know she will try her damndest to brainwash my sister against me and deny the obvious. I've basically just put my eldest sister in the same category as mum as I can't talk about this to her, she's like an advocate for my mother. I'm at a loss with regards to my "trapped" sister though, it really eats at my heart that she's out of her depth and "alone" over there, that's the only guilt I feel now, I feel bad for not sharing the load so to speak, that she's on her own without any support for a living hell she can't really escape from, which I can't stress enough isn't really her doing or fault.Just another victim at the too many hands of "a holes" we've all sadly been prey to. Thanks for hearing my stuff, I really needed to vent. Take care fellow decent people readers.

7:03 PM  

I have been in the same situation as your sister. Cheated by a goldigger/drama queen, like my narcissistic mother and sychophant father along with a golden child brother. Wow but the manipulation expressed by narcissists are beyond words. A mothers love is greatest, respect your parents, family will always be there yadda yadda yadda. But initiating narcissist motives at the sametime. The gaslighting self pity pointing finger maneuvers. Do these monsters actually feel anything? Damn I have been forgiving my whole life and finally only at the age of 36 I realize that my family is beyond help. I wasted my youth on these evil things, with family like this who needs enemies? Even strangers are more soft and caring than these people are. I have to share with the readers here, cutting off ties with these people is the only option you got, there is no other way, they won't ever change.

4:09 PM  

I wish there was a way to see this as a a child all you can do is internalize. This is my mother to a T. People used to marvel at what a "mellow" kid I was, not knowing of course that it was due to threats of violence when they leave. She prided herself on her ability not to leave physical marks...she had every one snowed with her "super-nurturing earth mother" persona. I always wanted to leave with whomever was visiting...they seemed to actually love me and not just be saying words society expected them to say. Forever wondering why hurting me made my mother SO HAPPY! It was the only thing that really seemed to make her happy. Gleeful even...

4:49 PM  

Woooooow this really helped I always thought it was me and it was even affecting how I was raising my children

6:00 PM  

My life in a nutshell. A very informative read. Thank you.

3:32 PM  

I'm in my forties and I'm still intertwined with my N mother who's in her 80's (as her caregiver) I read articles like this to keep myself from going insane. My mind is so damaged from years of abuse and now my physical body is starting to break down as well. I'm almost to the end of myself. I have no hope for ever being normal again. I cry almost daily. The worst part is that no one in my life can see what this evil woman has done. I've tried to explain it but I don't have the ability to make anyone else words are never sufficient or else people just don't care. This article is spot on in the way it points out that we existed for our mothers' sick purposes. Mine has been sucking the life out of me as long as I can remember and it continues to this day. To make matters worse I'm adopted so i cant help but know in the back of my mind that i could've had a shot at a decent family. Many thasks for the post.

3:58 PM  

Thank you

4:02 PM  

Thank you. No Contact is the ultimate rule. Had started to feeling a bit uncomfortable as it was my fault and then yesterday I came across this blog. Thank you again. D.

4:28 PM  

This is my experience too. It took me 30 years and lots of therapy to 'fix myself' to piece it all together and work out that I wasn't the problem. My mother is a horrible manipulative woman who had absolutely no regard for my feelings or anyone else's. I was the scapegoat and my sister the golden child. I am still locked in to the madness as I cannot have a relationship with either my sister or my father without my mother's triangulation. It may be that I can't ever and as her enablers I have to let them go also but I'm not there yet. Such a sad and misunderstood problem.

11:51 AM  

Similiar story but change the mum to step, and throw in two half bro's aswell. me the scapegoat and them the goldies, poor dad wasnt allowed a proper relationship with myself and sons, he would sneak to visit us..Insane. he passed 2013. This was when it all fell into place. Childhood was horrific as Im sure you know. Hugs & strength to you x Only way is No contact, strange at first but an absolute must do! nearly 3yrs and I am a new person, still need to pull myself up occasionly and stop 'thinking back'. Research Narc sister, siblings etc. all good healthy knowledge. New life and a new world thats how it is for me anyway. Stray strong Best of Luck :)

9:43 PM  

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