Sanctuary for the Abused

Saturday, October 27, 2018


from this terrific blog

I’ve been asked what to expect once you’ve decided you’re leaving the passive aggressive spouse or partner. Being passive aggressive, they can actually move in two or three different directions, but they are still pretty predictable once you are prepared for all and can figure in which way he/she is moving.

I should warn you that if this is your choice, you should be well prepared ahead of time. The things that are very important to you you should slowly be packing away somewhere so they are easy to move out fast once you break the news. Remember that most stuff is just that, stuff. It can be replaced. Things that belonged to your grandmother cannot. Be real on what you really want and need.

Squirrel some money away. You don’t have to take thousands from the grocery money every month, but $20 here, $20 there, adds up. No matter what they say about “Money not buying happiness” it makes life a whole lot easier if you have some, even if you’re just moving in with family.

If you’re leaving the passive aggressive, you cannot expect him to be co-operative. He may, if he’s the 1st kind I’m going to talk about below, but don’t expect it. He’s used to punishing you for his parents mistakes, he’s certainly not going to be easier on you now that he figures in his mind that you’ve “wronged” him.

1) The first kind of passive aggressive will just pretty basically walk away. Think about it. He was never really connected to you anyway. The reason you’re probably leaving is because there’s no affection any more, no intimacy, not much of anything. It’s a little bruising to our ego that he doesn’t even try to get us back, but it’s the way they are. Even if his heart is breaking inside, you will probably never know it. He would never admit. He’ll not do anything to fix it. He is the victim. This is also one of the ways he figures he can punish you. He just moves on.

2) The second way they can act once you’ve decided you’re leaving the passive aggressive, is actually rather hostile. You’re the bitch, he could never please you, get your stuff and get out, you can take your stuff, but only your stuff and nothing else. If you remember, almost everything in your marriage that went wrong was “your fault” whether he cheated on you, or constantly belittled you, what ever it was, don’t expect that to change. And don’t expect them to co-operate in any way. Many times they will fight for something during the divorce that they don’t even want, just to keep you from getting it. At least when you get the blame this time, it will have a better ending in sight.

3) Then there’s the passive aggressive that is oh, so sorry. He’ll change. He’ll do what ever you want, just come back home (or let him come home). “I wouldn’t have been that way if you had just…” and it’s still all about what you did wrong. If they agree to change, or see a therapist or what ever it is you’re asking of them, it is usually only a temporary ploy. The same kind of temporary ploy they used to land you in the first place. Once they feel they are back on secure ground, all the changes go out the window.

It is not unusual to be talking about what needs to happen with a passive aggressive, you’re to the point that you’re willing to share a house again, and he will turn the tables on you. All of a sudden, he isn’t sure he wants to come back, or he wants you to concede that most everything is your fault and you will change. Remember, the bottom line of almost any passive aggressive is that everything is always someone else’s fault. They rarely take any responsibility for anything going wrong, in their marriage, in their job, in their lives.

If you have children, you can either expect him to fight for custody, and should he win, within a short time you’ll get the kids most of the time anyway, because generally he doesn’t really want them all the time. He just wants to punish you. Or, he will rarely see them, or be late for every visitation, or call frequently to change plans. Really not much different then when you were married to him and he “forgot” to pick up the kids, etc. The only difference now is you don’t have to live with it 24/7. Don’t think he’s going to be any different once you’ve left him than he always was.

I hope this helps a little. Of course each situation is different because each person is different. These are just the basics. If you have any comments or questions, feel free. The one thing I will say about leaving a passive aggressive is that once you are out for good, I haven’t known a whole lot of the “escapees” that would go back.

(NOTE: Passive Aggressive Personality disorder was rolled INTO Narcissistic Personality Disorder a few years ago.  PA is now a component of NPD)


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shared by Barbara at 12:45 AM



Thank you so very much for this insight. I'm just now preparing to leave for good in the next couple weeks. I can't even discuss it with him and be reasonable, I just have to leave but I guess I shouldn't be surprised we could never work out anything--no reason this would be different. I basically put him out three years ago and he acted exactly like scenario #1, why I got back together I'll never know---but I'm out for good this time. Here's hoping that if he's going to respond in typical PA behavior, it's #1 again.

3:59 PM  

Hmmm this looks like my parent's marriage. They are still married...25 yrs.

2:43 AM  

Describes my soon to be x. He has been pretending I don't exist but like your article said, it's not much different from our 28 yr. marriage. He hardly sees our sons but when he does he drops at least one of his poor mes. He tells everyone that doesn't matter how much he didn't want a divorce yet has never said that to me once. He is nasty and vindictive when I have to see him but sad and a victim when I'm not around. I am so thankful to be getting off the crazy train. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to finally realize it wasn't me!Thanks for the article, it's validating!

6:02 AM  

Just divorced from a passive aggressive husband- the irony is he divorced me for my anger issues- I could not figure out what was wrong with him- 5 years he was kind/ attentive/ loving but just did not like sex- I presumed he was an abused child!- he used to avoid me/ spy
Y on me from the kitchen/ avoid sitting next to me on the sofa- he would Hovver above family life and never emotionally connect. He would give empty promises and drop bombs and if I reacted to him he would sweetly smile- he was so kind and caring but so distant and cold and I could not work out what was going on- I felt more and more alone and the more I reached for him the less he was there. I would curl up in my bed and he would simply ask if I would be better with so,eone else. He lied constantly to me, avoided sex yet was addicted to porn, lied about Facebook yet used it continuously, like he had two separate lives. He was great with the kids but was like Peter pan. I was the bad cop he was the good cop!- if we argued he would just walk out leaving me alone and his phone would be turned off for weeks!- I am apparently the angry aggressive nutter- before I met him I had my own home and professional job- I now am a shadow of who I was- I took up smoking/ suffer chronic fatigue/ was left with all responsibilities/ have been through the most bitter divorce my solicitor has ever seen in 10 years- he has moved on to someone new whilst I cry wondering what happened to Mr nice guy who I thought I married- it was all fake and I am tagged as the angry nutter!!!- yet I know it was not me who did this but him- he just drives off with a smile whilst I am left ripping at the seams.

4:50 PM  

I have been married to a Passive Aggressive woman for 30 years. Withheld sex on our honeymoon. Carried "emotional" affairs. Those escalated to full blown sexual affairs. She denies the sex part but I feel sure. Will she EVER come clean if I press this or will the lies just keep spewing forth? Either way I am out of my mind with the lying, manipulation, celibacy. Kids are grown and on their own. She is a pathological lier. I take my vows seriously but at one point I was driven so low that I has very close to taking my own life. (I am ok now) Is this fixable? She left for a week and I felt like a weight was lifted off my life. She has agreed to go to counseling and "maybe sees herself in the article I gave her to read. Incidentally, her dysfunctional siblings were both diagnosed with PS disorder. Everything I have read says they don't change. Is that true for most? I don't want to spend the next 30 years the way I spent the last 30.
Thanks for any insight.

2:33 AM  

Hello. You have described my married life to a passive aggressive with 2 girls. What a rollercoaster hey! He walked out 18months ago and then started sleeping with one of the mums at the school! Can't believe I let him back after the first so called emotional affair. He had me so focused on my anger issues that I was wracked with guilt and had an anxiety disorder. I had a stress ulcer, hernia and food allergies that would give me incredible pain within minutes. I was drinking a bottle of bourbon a week to maintain our relationship. I can now see that he was incredibly jealous of me and controlling. All of these physical symptoms are gone now! I am starting to feel relaxed for the first time and can finally pin point the root of my emotions and then let them go. I honestly think we must have been Saints in a previous life to endure such a beating and persist out of love. Thats the crazy thing, when he wld choose to give me the tid bit if emotional connection i thought it was magic. Our strength has been tested and is mighty. Surely it will be used for a worthy cause in this life. Perhaps we have been in preparation for something else? My 10 year old daughter just last night said how all her friends though that it was strange that we still looked after his little sister. No one in his family offered any assistance to raise her or show me any gratitude or support. Then all those well meaning people tell me that I. Myst have known he was PA from my he start and that I allowed it to happen! I used to think that he had a lot of trauma issues, which he did, but I can now see that he chose to hide in that to prevent himself getting close to me. He lost all empathy for me and completely hardened his heart. I felt so frozen for the last 5 years and ashamed of the situation I had gotten myself into. It was all my fault. To be honest with you I think I stayed to protect my children from him. He just didn't mature and competes with the kids. Now, he doesn't mind them feeling sorry for him or using them to stroke his ego. Gee, I'm really letting it all out, first time I have written anything. Therapeutic. The unsettling thing for me is the mutual friends we had. I decided to give them to him as I have no energy in trying to defend myself to them. NO ONE can understand how traumatising, violating and abusive a PA can be. True snakes in the grass.

8:33 AM  

Leave, leave, leave! It's very sad on a human level but these PA have learnt to be dysfunctional to survive. They are not in control of themselves and will protect themselves from feeling vulnerable at all costs. My soon to be ex husband and all his siblings gs are passive aggressive. In fact his whole extended family is. Came from a Christian, upper class values family, oppressive and anger was not allowed to be expressed, it was a sin. I can now see that when they feel emotionally threatened, which is a lot as there are emotional intelligence is low, they use intelect and cunning to put you down, and subconscious ly make you feel as exposed as they did. They could be very nasty and snobby. A PA will draw you in with endearing charm with one hand to cut you down with the other. A PA usually attracts very caring, sensitive souls. There will be elements of co dependency and rescuing. In my experieñce, my ex would refuse to respect any boundaries, he had his own law. I can now see this personality as toxic and due to his inability to respect and maintain boundaries, and follow through with ANYTHING I can't have any level of rationship with him. He's not the ex that now comes around for tea! You deserve better. Please respect yourself and fall in love with yourself again. You are in a one way relationship. Look at your partners actions not words. I bet you're the one putting in 110 per cent to stop your marriage from sinking and they are emotional aly happy for you to do so as it distracts you from them for a while. I learnt that in the end, a PA will loose all empathy and begin to blatantly lie to avoid an internal , real emotional response. They become very disconnected from themselves and therefore everyone around tbem, even turning into narcissists. I am just coming out the other side, having gone through depression, anxiety, alcohol dependency, allergies to name a few. Heal yourself and stop loving what your wife was or what you think she can be. All the power she has is what she can withhold from you. Accept her for what she is today and move on.

8:57 AM  

I do not love this man anymore. The relationship has died a slow death. I no longer feels it's my duty to fix it, to fix him, to feel guilty because he is angry. I'm not playing this game anymore. I have to worry about myself my life and my children. For financial reasons I can't leave right now and my kids would be devastated. But they are being affected for sure in some ways. I'm at point where I'm trying not to fall into his traps to anger me or to make me feel guilty and accept him again when he puts on the charm. I think he realizes that it's ineffectual and that he's lost me. This just makes him angrier! But nothing I can do about that. I'm not his therapist or his mommy. And I won't play the game anymore!!

6:25 AM  

Why do we presume the man is passive-aggressive , including this article? The pronouns are He when they should be They!
Or did I miss a hidden message?

3:12 PM  

Sophie Loe

Apparently you missed this in my sidebar:

Numerous persons have come in here and been offended that the abusers are referred to as "he" in many of these articles. I want to make it perfectly clear that I am well aware of the fact that female abusers exist and cause just as much devastation as their male counterparts.

The sad fact is that there are more male abusers than female narcissists, but domestic homicide is the leading cause of death in women surpassing cancer and car accidents.

A woman dies at the hands of her significant other every 6 days, and when you look at the stats for the whole world it is even more bleak. Worldwide, a woman dies every day due to domestic homicide. One in 3 women will experience abuse in her life. It is a plague on society worldwide, causing devastation and ruining lives of men and women. Abuse is an equal opportunity scourge, abusers don't care what color, nationality, religion, age, health condition or socio-economic status, or gender the victim is, the only prerequisite a victim must have is a heart and empathy.

Replacing he or him with she or her as you read is simple enough. Please remember these articles are NOT written by me but shared as supportive information.

Thank you.

4:22 PM  

What do you do when you've left before, they attempted suicide, you literally kept them alive, they promised to get help & you took them back. Only for things to get bad all over again.. and again and again. .
Now being too scared and scarred to leave because you know they have no issues, taking their life to PUNISH you..

This is my situation in a nutshell. 18.5 years, 4 kids & scared.

3:04 AM  

I am still
Living with this man though I told him last year that we were done. It's been weirder and worse ever since. I now realize that for the sake of my mental health I have to make a plan to move forward without him. This is also having a very very negative affect on our 2 children, boys ages 13 & 11. They are sterile f to pick up from him some very ugly ways of dealing with me because of his example sometimes. He is great at manipulating and making me out to be the crazy one & the one hat is completely at fault. We had a bad blowout last night and I hit him. Yes, he is starting to make me crazy and it became crystal clear to me that I ha e to find a way out. I cannot just leave for financial reasons. I have felt trapped for many years. But I can't go on like this.

9:01 AM  

I have known such a man for 3 years but we're always in and out, he keeps on popping up in my life. He avoids talking about problems and then we leave or he breaks up without reasonable explanations. I admit I lost my self-esteem once, but as you said, I always have to guess what is going on with him, he cries when I confront him, and he doesn't seem to know what he wants. He's nice and romantic and caring, and all of a sudden, he switches off. I think he's continuously looking for stability because he's not stable. And because we have a lot of good memories and he seems to be reasonable and fun when we are apart, I took a decision to keep him in my life but as friends, I think it will be devastating for both of us if I agree to be closer and play his game again. The difference I see with this guy is that he blames himself for not being open, but he's helpless about it, and sexually he's really active and I don't think he can even commit sexually. Sometimes he was open with me about childhood anger, but he expressed his revenge proudly. When I think of him, I feel "poor little guy" because no matter how he tries, his vulnerability and complicated mix of emotions are really hard for him to understand

1:48 AM  

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