Sanctuary for the Abused
Wednesday, January 09, 2019
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive communication is a means of expressing anger indirectly.
Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors are listed below.
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIORS AND ISSUES
- Obstructionism (making things difficult)
- Hostility, anger, and bad attitude toward people in authority or people who have an advantage. Scorn and resentment.
- Issues such as specific kinds of fears, a sense of victimization, feelings of being misunderstood, etc. (see list below)
- Complaints of having it hard or being treated unfairly
- Sneaky, “Sideways” or “Backhanded” comments/compliments hidden behind a veneer of pleasantry
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Obstructionism
- Arriving late to meetings and other events, making other people wait
- Purposely doing a poor job on a required work project
- Claiming to have “forgotten” what is wanted by other people
- Making issues more difficult than they have to be
- Making excuses
- Lazy communication, failing to follow through on messages
- Lying and mental manipulation
- Procrastination and laziness at home or in the workplace
- Deliberately creating disorder in situations with friends, employer and family
- Expressing ambiguity when interacting with people
Examples of Common Fears and Issues for Passive-Aggressive People
- Fear of intimacy
- Fear of competition
- Fear of dependency
- Arguing
- Enviousness
Dealing with passive-aggressive people can be especially difficult, particularly when you are relying on them to do something properly and on time, without difficulty and complications.
In the workplace, passive-aggressive people should be dealt with administratively, since trying to work around, adjust to, and change their behavior is impossible. They will sorely resent the supervision; however, they were likely already displeased and resentful of it anyhow.
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Passive-aggressive people will always find a way to slip out of what you need them to do or otherwise make you pay for trying to get them to cooperate.
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Dealing or working with a passive-aggressive person can feel like a gigantic game of Whack-a-Mole.
Once you think you’ve addressed the first excuse, lie, issue or ambiguity, they’re off and running presenting you with a third, second and fourth. It’s as if they’re playing a mental game designed to exhaust you into giving up asking anything reasonable of them. Insisting and pressuring them into fulfilling their obligations only makes things worse.
When in situations where you are forced to work with them, do not assume responsibility for their work or lack thereof. Do not let the maddening inefficiency and game-playing get to you. Concentrate on your own responsibilities, and minimize working on joint projects with them as much as possible. Above all, don’t take the bait that sends you begging them to cooperate. They will only resent you for it and get you back later.
And definitely, without delay, add passive-aggressive people to your list of toxic people to avoid wherever possible.
Labels: anger, chaos, difficult, forgetting, lying, narcissist, obstruction, passive-aggressive, playing games, psychopath, sarcasm, sociopath
Saturday, October 27, 2018
LEAVING THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
from this terrific blog
I’ve been asked what to expect once you’ve decided you’re leaving the passive aggressive spouse or partner. Being passive aggressive, they can actually move in two or three different directions, but they are still pretty predictable once you are prepared for all and can figure in which way he/she is moving.
I should warn you that if this is your choice, you should be well prepared ahead of time. The things that are very important to you you should slowly be packing away somewhere so they are easy to move out fast once you break the news. Remember that most stuff is just that, stuff. It can be replaced. Things that belonged to your grandmother cannot. Be real on what you really want and need.
Squirrel some money away. You don’t have to take thousands from the grocery money every month, but $20 here, $20 there, adds up. No matter what they say about “Money not buying happiness” it makes life a whole lot easier if you have some, even if you’re just moving in with family.
If you’re leaving the passive aggressive, you cannot expect him to be co-operative. He may, if he’s the 1st kind I’m going to talk about below, but don’t expect it. He’s used to punishing you for his parents mistakes, he’s certainly not going to be easier on you now that he figures in his mind that you’ve “wronged” him.
1) The first kind of passive aggressive will just pretty basically walk away. Think about it. He was never really connected to you anyway. The reason you’re probably leaving is because there’s no affection any more, no intimacy, not much of anything. It’s a little bruising to our ego that he doesn’t even try to get us back, but it’s the way they are. Even if his heart is breaking inside, you will probably never know it. He would never admit. He’ll not do anything to fix it. He is the victim. This is also one of the ways he figures he can punish you. He just moves on.
2) The second way they can act once you’ve decided you’re leaving the passive aggressive, is actually rather hostile. You’re the bitch, he could never please you, get your stuff and get out, you can take your stuff, but only your stuff and nothing else. If you remember, almost everything in your marriage that went wrong was “your fault” whether he cheated on you, or constantly belittled you, what ever it was, don’t expect that to change. And don’t expect them to co-operate in any way. Many times they will fight for something during the divorce that they don’t even want, just to keep you from getting it. At least when you get the blame this time, it will have a better ending in sight.
3) Then there’s the passive aggressive that is oh, so sorry. He’ll change. He’ll do what ever you want, just come back home (or let him come home). “I wouldn’t have been that way if you had just…” and it’s still all about what you did wrong. If they agree to change, or see a therapist or what ever it is you’re asking of them, it is usually only a temporary ploy. The same kind of temporary ploy they used to land you in the first place. Once they feel they are back on secure ground, all the changes go out the window.
It is not unusual to be talking about what needs to happen with a passive aggressive, you’re to the point that you’re willing to share a house again, and he will turn the tables on you. All of a sudden, he isn’t sure he wants to come back, or he wants you to concede that most everything is your fault and you will change. Remember, the bottom line of almost any passive aggressive is that everything is always someone else’s fault. They rarely take any responsibility for anything going wrong, in their marriage, in their job, in their lives.
If you have children, you can either expect him to fight for custody, and should he win, within a short time you’ll get the kids most of the time anyway, because generally he doesn’t really want them all the time. He just wants to punish you. Or, he will rarely see them, or be late for every visitation, or call frequently to change plans. Really not much different then when you were married to him and he “forgot” to pick up the kids, etc. The only difference now is you don’t have to live with it 24/7. Don’t think he’s going to be any different once you’ve left him than he always was.
I hope this helps a little. Of course each situation is different because each person is different. These are just the basics. If you have any comments or questions, feel free. The one thing I will say about leaving a passive aggressive is that once you are out for good, I haven’t known a whole lot of the “escapees” that would go back.
(NOTE: Passive Aggressive Personality disorder was rolled INTO Narcissistic Personality Disorder a few years ago. PA is now a component of NPD)
SOURCE
Labels: change, divorce, getting out, immaturity, leaving, narcissism, narcissist, no change, passive-aggressive, punishment
Friday, March 09, 2018
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
By the time I was 7 or 8 I was being cool in a passive-aggressive response to her attempts to be close to me I would not let her touch me, I would not show happiness if something good happened or pain if something bad happened. I would just say "it's ok" no matter how much it wasn't. I also "showed" her and my dad by not getting the type of grades as I was capable of getting in school. I have spent much of my life sabotaging myself to get back at them.
Passive-aggressive behavior can take the form of sarcasm, procrastination, chronic lateness, being a party pooper, constantly complaining, being negative, offering opinions and advice that is not asked for, being the martyr, slinging arrows ("whatever have you done to your hair", "gained a little weight haven't we?"), etc. If we don't know how to set boundaries or will go along with anything to avoid conflict, then we often will agree to doing things we don't want to do - and as a result we will not be happy doing them and will get back at the other person somehow, someway because we are angry at them for "making" us do something we don't want to do. A classic scenario is being asked where you want to eat and saying "oh, I don't care, wherever you want to" and then being angry because they take us somewhere we don't like. We think they should be able to read our mind and know we don't want to do whatever. Typically, in relationships, one partner will ask the other to do something and the person who can't say "I don't want to do that" - will agree to do it and then not do it. This will result in nagging and scolding which will cause more anger and passive-aggressive behavior.
The way to stop being passive-aggressive is to start being honest (first of all with ourselves), having boundaries (the more we get in touch with our inner children the more we can have boundaries with the angry ones that are causing us to be passive-aggressive), saying no when we don't want to do something. It is easier said than done. On one level what we are doing is recreating our childhood dynamics of being criticized by our parents.
It is because at our core we feel unworthy and unlovable that we have relationships - romantic, friendship, work - where we will be criticized and given the message that we are bad or wrong. Because we don't Love our self we need to manifest people outside of ourselves that will be our critical parent - then we can resent them, feel victimized, and be passive-aggressive. They are in fact just a reflection of how we treat ourselves internally. The more we can learn to defend ourselves internally from the critical parent voice the more we will find that we don't want critical people in our lives."
SOURCE
Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder was folded into Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the DSM. It is no longer a separate disorder from Narcissism.
Labels: abuse, anger, bad relationship, behavior, dynamics, narcissism, narcissist, passive-aggressive, resist
Thursday, January 25, 2018
Passive Aggressive Personality
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
From Living With A Passive Aggressive Man by Dr. Scott Wetzler
*FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you.
*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.
*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power
*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.
*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.
*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.
*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.
*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him.
*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.
*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.
*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.
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A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.
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"Imagine this: You've been invited to a party, but you realize on the day you're pretty sure the party is happening that your not sure what kind of party it is or what time you should arrive. Well, you're smart and you'll give it your best shot.. So you dress in a kind of neutral casual-dressy style and show up at seven.
As you come up the walk, you can hear the sounds of a party: music, laughter and you think, "This is going to be a great party." When you come up the stairs you can smell aromas coming from the house and again you say to yourself, "This is going to be a great party."
You ring the bell and your host emerges wearing a bemused, enigmatic smile... and a tuxedo.
"You're late," he says. "Im sorry. You didn't tell me what time the party was." "I thought you would figure it out" he says. "Well I am here now" you say . Your host looks you up and down. "That may be true, but you are not dressed properly." You look down at your elegant, if casual, clothing and then at his black-tie formal wear. "Yes, that's true. But I'm not that far from home. I can just go and change quickly and be right back."
You desperately think about what's in your closet that would fit with formal wear and how long it will take to press it. You add up the travel time, wonder what you'll have to do to your hair to look right, how to change your make-up.... after all this still seems like it'll be a great party......
Your host shakes his head. "But then you'll be really late." Dinner will be over and I was COUNTING on you to sit right beside me at the head table."
Your heart sinks. Your one chance and you blew it! Inside your head, you say several unflattering things about yourself, your abilities, your intelligence, and your potential, but out loud you declare, "Honest, I'll be back in 45 minutes. I'll be perfect. Can't you wait? You cannot imagine how you'll be back, but you want so badly to be the guest of honor.
Your host shakes his head. "Well, I don't know. But what are you planning to bring to contribute to the dinner? I've told you how much I like those special, individual nineteen-layer cakes you bake. I thought you'd know to bring one for every guest."
Behind him you can still hear the laughter and the music; you can still smell the exotic foods, and you can still see the champagne in his glass. And you still think it's the greatest party ever and you still want to be the guest of honor.
That is what an emotionally unavailable relationship FEELS like. You're just never quite good enough to get admitted to the party. You get seduced by the clear, often indirect and unspoken, message that something is just a little wrong. If you can fix that, the implied promise goes, you'll be the guest of honor and win the door prize: love...
But when you "fix" what was "wrong" the first time, something else is a little "wrong." and when you fix that, something else will appear.
Your host HAS NO INTENTION OF MAKING YOU or ANYONE the guest of honor. Your host also has NO ABILITY to make you the guest of honor - or even to open the door to let you in. Your host is suffering form emotional unavailability. This is the inability of a person to reach out and make a heart connection with another person.
What is so unsettling and painful is that you end up with the CLEAR belief that this somehow YOUR fault and that it's YOUR responsibility to fix it by being perfect. If it isn't fixed, you're not perfect enough.
YOU DID NOT BREAK IT... YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIX IT.
You say to yourself that you would never get caught in a situation like that, it seems obvious... until - you are in the middle of it..... IT DOESN'T START OUT WITH UNREASONABLE DEMANDS of perfection. If it did, you'd walk away after the first five minutes. We all get sucked into emotionally unavailable situations because the process is subtle and progressive. The demands move a little at a time, inching you away from your power base, shifting control of the situation to the emotionally unavailable person. This person doesn't want love as much as he or she wants CONTROL. Emotions are unsafe; control gives the illusion of safety.
It is perfectly reasonable to expect an emotional connection with someone with whom you are in a relationship. We expect police officers to enforce the laws, teachers to teach, etc.. These expectations put us into a particular mnd-set when we're around those people.
Over time you expect a relationship to grow and deepen. When your partner turns out not to be making an emotional connection, it causes trauma; THAT IS WHY THESE RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO PAINFUL. The trauma then does further damage as it undermines your expectations about yourself and YOUR abilities to make connections. As illogical as that may seem, it's human nature to look for the flaws in ourselves when things don't go as we expect. We end up being traumatized twice in these relationships; once by the loss and abandonment and again by the loss of our own confidence in ourselves. That is why the end of these relationships can be so much more painful than the end of a fully realized relationship.. We ruminate about what we could have done differently to make it work...."
from the book "EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY" by Bryn C. Collins.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE INFORMATION
NOTE: Passive Aggressive Behavior is now known to be a component of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and has been eliminated from the DSM-V and combined with NPD.
While written in the male, females can be P-A as well.
Labels: fear, lies, martyr, narcissism, narcissist, obstruction, passive-aggressive, power, sabotage
Monday, January 01, 2018
How To Be A Passive-Aggressive Verbal Abuser
How to Be a Passive Aggressive/ Verbal Abuser:
1. make your partner doubt their reality. laugh at them when they talk and cling to your own twisted version of everything. (gaslighting)
2. devalue them. criticize every single thing they say and do
3. overwork them. give them a list of stuff to do and if they screw up only one tiny thing - concentrate on that thing and scream your head off. how DARE they! lazy!! They are merely YOUR chore-whore
4. don't let them sleep. 8 hours is too much. Noise, always have something to do, send the kids to them, demand sex... but no sleep!
5. leave all parenting and heavy-lifting, including 'children involved stuff' to them and be sure they know what an awful parent they are and how they are screwing up your children
6. if they are ill, they must be making it up - verbally berate them. YOU are the most important. Agree with their doctors in public but invalidate them in private.
7. sex: Ah now here you can really shine! either objectify them, sex is sex not love, make them do things they don't want to or do things to them that are rude and inappropriate. they are YOUR PROPERTY and have no feelings.
OR --- do nothing. No sex. for months and years. when they bring it up call them a nympho or sex fiend. If & when you do give it to them, they must do ALL the work and if they dare enjoy it - act like they make you ill.
8. ignore your own behavior - its all their fault anyway
9. if they try to leave: stalk, harass or take their stuff. no boundaries!!
10. ransack their belongings and go through their computer or hack it if necessary.
11. separate them from their friends at all cost. YOU are the only friend they will ever need
12. every conversation is to revolve around YOU YOU YOU and all activities are for YOU
13. make your SO plan any activities and then complain & scream about them, especially if it isn't all about YOU
14. blame them for everything your parents did to you. your parents were perfect
15. buy yourself expensive things - throw them a bone once in a while so they feel guilty - but spend predominantly on yourself
16. harass them any way you feel you have to. names in public, phone calls, stalking, humilation. its good for them
17. if they try to work or go to school - forget that. they need to focus on YOU
18. if they step right - you step left. If they step left - you step right. Do not let them WIN. This is WAR!!!
19. Court orders? ignore them - do your own thing - they won't stick up for themselves if you did your job right.
20. ANYTHING they say can & will be used against them in YOUR court of personal law. Twisting, distorting, whitewashing or intrusions on their privacy are all ok to make this happen.
21. They read too much, use the computer too much, watch too much tv, sew too much, cook too much, breathe too much, spend too much time with the kids. They never do ANYTHING right. ANYTHING!
21. make them so crazy they snap and scream & yell at you - see they ARE insane - you were right.
Labels: belittle, berate, gaslighting, invalidated, passive-aggressive, verbal abuse
Monday, December 25, 2017
A Passive Aggressive Husband Shields Himself From Intimacy
Living with a passive aggressive husband is a very disconcerting experience. You are fighting against shadows, and it is possible that it takes you a long time to realize the real nature of the relationship. By "fighting against shadows," we want to convey the meaning that you never have a concrete, real, and constant obstacle.
As it is based in an emotional resistance to intimacy, then you get all the gamut of denial, evasion, silence, and all the ways of "not really being here with you" he can muster. This style of communication is usually perceived by the victim as in this case: "My husband never says my name; he fails to acknowledge my presence, does not give me any compliments ever or volunteer help or information. He rarely asks me a question of any kind, or God forbid, inquire about my wants, needs, feelings, etc."
The wife's experience is one of emotional abandonment, including rejection of any intimacy. His safest moves are usually connected with the basics of shared life: food, household items, the weather, car issues.
What is missing here? the very heart of marriage, which is a level of openness and intimacy: the ability to connect with intangibles such as feelings and perceptions and dreams. "He has cut almost all connections between us and fails to participate in our marriage relationship. He never drinks, smokes, yells or hits me, but I'd prefer that he do, so I can know what is inside him...."
WHAT IS PASSIVE AGGRESSION?
Passive aggression is caused by a person's learned and deep fear of expressing his/her anger directly to whoever (in this case his spouse) is aggravating them, having to resort to covert abuse to express their frustration and anger. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse. Covert abuse is subtle, and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be accidental.
A passive aggressive personality involves a set of "resistance" behaviors-from innocuously dropping things or seeming to forget tasks, to open task procrastination. It can escalate to all-out sabotage-in which case we recognize that there is a passive aggressor's intention to get back at his partner without that person being able to recognize his underlying anger, or doing something to resolve it.
Passive aggressive people have an ax to grind concerning past situations where their right to anger was not allowed to surface. Probably in their family of origin there were threats of abandonment or any other punishment preventing them from being honest with their feelings, and thus they never learned how to be able to express them in the most appropriate way. Now, as adults, their aim is to resist work, couple and other social demands, because they identify them as coming from the hated enemy of their past: such as parents and authority figures.
This unsolved anger business, a leftover from their past, is being re-enacted now on a daily basis against unsuspecting partners: bosses, spouses, parents, teachers, or anyone who has power or authority.
PA husbands take genuine pleasure here and now in frustrating their spouse, seen as "stand in" or replacement for the authority figures of their past. Any spouse can stand in the role of the absent parent, master or teacher, unknowingly "invited" to participate in this game while thinking that they are instead in a cooperative partnership among equals. A passive aggressive husband can drive his wife into a crazy and confused state, but he seems sincerely dismayed when confronted with his behavior.
Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive person often feels that other people misunderstands them or are holding them to unreasonable standards when confronting him about his behavior.
You will need to accept the loneliness of the single parent having to raise a family with scant support and no companionship and hope for the best. This acceptance has to be temporary or you run a very real risk: being in a long time marriage sustained by an unconscious deal: she fears loneliness, so she stays, and he can be who he is for ever, denying the time passage and the fact that people (eventually) mature with age.
IN CONCLUSION:
The PA husband is battling the wrong war: he is defending himself here and now against the perceived intrusion of his father/mother in his inner selfhood and does not see you, his partner, as a different person in a different, cooperative relationship;
He cannot distinguish between different kinds of humans and different kinds of relationships, so his reaction is always as if he was back in the past, having to protect himself from that person who oppressed him. The tragedy is that now that person is the person he says he loves...
Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc.
SOURCE
Labels: abuse, covert, diomestic violence, loneliness, narcissist, no intimacy, no support, passive-aggressive, selfish, sexless marriage
