Sanctuary for the Abused

Monday, December 09, 2013

Verbal Abuse



Calling her dumb, an idiot, stupid is verbal abuse. Putting her down, criticizing her, defeating her in argument for the sake of defeating, not for the sake of mutual enlightenment – this is verbal abuse. Threatening and intimidating by use of words is verbal abuse. If he is angry almost daily, this is verbal abuse. If he is constantly trying to convince her that something is wrong with her, this is verbal abuse. If he further tries to convince her that something is psychologically amiss with her and that she needs therapy, this is moving to extreme verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse may be indirect or covert, and it may be direct – shouting slanderous slogans – the same ones she has heard over and over. Verbal abuse is wanting power over the woman, and completely misusing the power. Verbal abuse constantly undermines the woman, it constantly denies her reality, her very existence.

In many cases, she is not supposed to exist. She is to be an extension of her husband/partner and nothing more. She is to parrot his words, his ideas, and to predict his needs and desires at every step. This is her function. And despite whether she succeeds or not, abuse will rain on her head. There is no escaping it, and there is no escaping its escalation over time.

There are clear symptoms of verbal abuse. Generally, verbal abuse will be secretive. Only those inside the home will know about it. Second, it increases with the passing of time, and the wife adapts to this increase. Third, the abuser repeatedly denies and discounts the wife’s perception of his treatment of her.

Verbal abuse always hurts. It attacks the abilities of the wife and erodes her self-confidence. Verbal abuse fills her with doubts regarding herself. Verbal abuse may comprise of angry shouting or it may be subtle brainwashing, or both. Abusers with developed intellect will use every form of manipulative cunning to brainwash their wives, to convince them their value is nil. Verbal abuse is insidious because many times it is indirect, roundabout and filled with devious cunning which the spouse cannot even begin to comprehend but which leaves her feeling horrible.

While the husband may create many so-called issues of dispute in the marriage, in fact the real issue in the marriage, the real problem, is his never-ending and escalating abuse. It is very hard for the victim to recognize this simple fact. Anger is another category of verbal abuse. If a man uses anger, there is nothing the wife can do or say to mitigate the anger, because it is nothing she has done. His anger is irrational, unpredictable and explosive. It is his trait of character, it is a part of his personality makeup. Generally, it cannot be changed.

In her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, P. Evans lists the types of verbal abuse:

1. withholding: rejecting the wife.

2. countering: saying the opposite, arguing without real cause.

3. discounting: discrediting what she says. (‘You’re too sensitive.’ ‘You can’t take a joke.’ ‘You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.’)

4. joking: using jokes to abuse. In the joke, she is the victim, she is the object of ridicule.

5. blocking: not allowing the wife to communicate. (‘You know what I meant. You’re talking out of turn.’ ‘Quit your bitching.’ ‘It’s too complicated for you to understand.’ ‘Just drop it!’. ‘You heard me. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.’)

6. converting dialogue into fights: When the wife tries to accommodate him, he blows up in anger. He frequently takes her words as a personal attack.

7. Judging: constantly condemning over issues big and small.

8. Trivializing: making fun of what she says and what she does, her accomplishments.

9. Undermining: continually eroding the wife’s enthusiasm about subjects and interests not related to the husband, thereby sabotaging her social life.

10. Threatening: threats of loss or punishment

11. Name calling: from violent attacks to patronizing contemptuous nick names to sarcastic affection, name calling is used to keep the wife in her place

12. Forgetting: declaring that abusive events or where the husband was exposed never happened.

13. Ordering: treating the wife as a servant. This dehumanizes the wife to a machine with no needs. Some men continuously talk in the imperative even when there is no conflict.

14. Denial: refusing to accept responsibility for abuse by accusing the wife of lying or being crazy.

15. Angry abuse: in the forms of yelling, snapping back, raging, shouting, glaring, grimacing (clenched teeth), argumentativeness, tantrums, explosions, long episodes of continuous vicious sarcasms. This develops into an addiction so that the husband will need a daily fix of raging in order to overcome his feelings of dependency, inadequacy and powerlessness by shouting out his anger.

Still another form of verbal abuse is interrogation. The interrogation begins with throwing the wife into a guilty confusion by a cold inquisitional air. The husband plays both the roles of the good cop and the bad cop, changing from sorrowful, reproving affection to cold scientist examining a lab rat to a vicious abuser that the wife cannot even recognize. Interrogation is an addictive power game that gives thrills of power to the power-hungry husband who yearns for greater power in society. The reason it is so thrilling is that the husband can take a petty incident such as shopping and convert it into a criminal act. The husband’s own anxiety and possessive insecurity merely adds to the emotional high of tormenting the wife. Interrogation not only involves making the wife feel she is sinful (materialistic) and selfish (not serving the needs of the husband), but also establishes the husband as the omniscient lord who will judge the wife in future whenever she may ‘fall’ from the path of virtue.

Labels: , , , , , , ,

shared by Barbara at 12:55 AM


Share

11 Comments:

I am so very glad I came across your site, you are giving me a clearer insight into something I just can't seem to even understand.I have done a few posting in the past while on how wrong this all is.
All abuse is so wrong so terrible and seems to have become like a chronic problem in our world today. The problem is so bad that when I visit a wonderful site such as this I am almost embarrassed to admit to being male.
I think it is important for all to realize there is a big difference between a man and an over grown, insecure male that is passing himself of as a man. He is able to pass himself off as a man simply because of age or size. It takes more than just age and size to make you a man. Sadly, many JERKS get away with the deception and are nothing but an embarrassment to real men. It is the action of these that give men a bad rap, sad and unfair but true.
I would go as far as to say no real true man has ever abused a woman. That is done by the over grown jerks, that sadly just because of age and size see themselves as men and as does most of the world.
Real men see these JERKS as mere jokes wanna be men. Please never confuse men with the wanna be's.

11:26 AM  

We women know that there are good men around, but the real test is to spend some time with him and see how he reacts to unpleasant events. Is he holding his courteous mood? or slipping into a barrage of insults because of the frustration?
If you have been raised as to control yourself and not inflict your fears on the female at your side, then everything is OK...Otherwise, we begin a slippery slope where small incidents build up into gross temper tantrums and abusive behavior.
It has a strong impact on us, and it takes a long time to recover the sense of security and trust violated by the abuse. How can a person heal? there are so many ways:www.healingemotionalabuse.com

4:59 PM  

can my marriage be saved if my husband is a verbal abuser?

9:54 PM  

I have been married for 20 years. For 20 years I have been both verbally and emotionally abused. He has just started therapy, after finally admitting he had a problem. The struggle I am having is that I am not sure I want to stay with him. I don't know if I can forgive him for all the hurt he has caused. Can anyone give me some insight or thoughts on how one makes the decision as whether to stay and see if he gets better or get out of the relationship now?

12:31 AM  

I certainly agree with your description of verbal abuse. However, I must point out that abuse can and does go both ways. I am not ashamed to say that I am a man who was in an abusive marriage for several. It is very demeaning and demoralizing emotionally to have someone verbally abusing you on a daily basis.

It doesn't matter if that person is your husband, your partner, or your wife.

Omar

8:00 AM  

I am being verbally abused by my 17 year old grandson who lives with me. He thinks I should just hand out money and do nothing to earn it. He doesn't work and wont go to college. The abuse is escallating and I risk losing my home because of him shouting ands slamming.I don't know what to do.

2:33 PM  

Call the cops the next time he has an outburst. explain to them what he is doing. Have them take him to jail if necessary. If you dont fix this issue now then it will become worse . PLEASE

8:24 PM  

Everyday of my life I have been abused like this. First by my father, then with my husband. I didn't even know it was abuse nor did I think it was anyones fault but my own.

Another form of this abuse that is mentioned in other articles on this website is where the abuser accuses YOU of abuse. If you at any time raise your voice or defend yourself this is considered abuse and they use it against you to others. Mri's checking for psychopathy before starting ANY major relationship should be a choice we all have access to.

5:18 PM  

Couldn't believe what I read... Sounded as if I was back having a conversation with my ex. He thrives on down playing me. Which at first for 3 years I believed it was just the way he was... An asshole.. until that turned to me... Now reading through this blog... I believe these men AND women who act this way may take years to even realize their problem... Just recently I was told.I was.a miserable.bitch and.should kill myself... Yes it still hurts.but I am finally finding my way to not let this bother me... But still struggle everyday. The fact I had a beautiful baby boy with this monster makes me realize for the next 18 years I must find my way around this....

11:28 AM  

Hello,

My name is Leigh. Your exceptional blog deals with depression awareness and I know you are familiar with the importance of mental health. It is for these reasons that I contact you today.

I am ‘every woman’, the girl next door and the one you never would have suspected, however, for years I have been struggling with depression. I have written a book about my experiences entitled “The Blue Veil”.

Through this book, it is my aim to reduce the stigma of depression by increasing awareness of the issue. I am donating a large percentage of the proceeds to 15 carefully chosen mental health awareness organizations worldwide. I have provided the list of these organizations at the end of this email.

This is where you come in. I am organizing a 2 month long online book release campaign, structured around various depression awareness weeks around the world. It will be from July 1st to August 31st. My request is, during this period of time would you be willing to host me on your blog for a few days of those months? This can be carried out in a few ways:
-I would send you a couple/few articles that talk about my book and of course depression awareness. You would post these articles on your blog over a few days during those months (letting me know which days you will choose)
OR
-You could write your own prose about “The Blue Veil” and depression awareness and post these articles on your blog over the course of the months (letting me know which days you will choose).
Now you may be wondering what is in this for you and your blog? Well, I could provide you with a free version of “The Blue Veil”. You could also review the depression awareness organizations, which I will send to you, to see if there is one you would like to be included and I will certainly look into it.

More on “The Blue Veil”:
Up to 58 MILLION suffer from it in the US alone, and VERY FEW talk about it. Is it your friend, colleague or neighbor? Now, finally, ‘The Blue Veil’ brings a modern, raw account of depression. Read it and understand your loved ones better. Be assured that no one is alone.

``Leigh has everything going for her when the unthinkable happens. She loses control of her own emotions and everything in her life begins to slip away. With a marriage strained to the brink, the loss of her father, fertility issues and the loss of her job, will Leigh be able to move beyond The Blue Veil and take back control of her future?``

Thanks so much for your consideration and efforts. I understand that you are busy, so I wanted to express my sincere gratitude. It is with great respect for you and your blog that I write this email and it would mean so much to me to have your readers aware of my efforts.

Please do not hesitate to contact me at any time if you have any questions regarding my request.
Sincerely yours,
Leigh Turgeon
email: leighturgeon@gmail.com
Twitter: @leighslead
The Blue Veil Blog http://behindtheblueveil.blogspot.ca/
FB Page The Blue Veil https://www.facebook.com/TheBlueVeil
FB Page Leigh Turgeon https://www.facebook.com/LeighTurgeon
1-613-794-4657

10:44 PM  

My boyfriend of 3 years verbally abuses me. It's taken me all this time to realise it.

I have endometriosis so sex is painful. He won't accept this as an excuse not to perform and says "well I'm not in pain", then calls me an arsehole.

His most recent abuse was to call me horrible. It was just out of the blue. He'd been nice to me all day. He said I should have 'horrible' tattooed to my forehead so othher men can see I'm horrible and won't have to put up with what he's put up with.

A couple of hours later, he cuddled me and asked me for a kiss.

His behaviour makes me feel like I'm losing my marbles.

6:04 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home