Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, April 04, 2013

The Misogynist

Characteristics of a Misogynist
Misogyny (mi-soj'e-ne) n. Hatred of women; a person who hates women.
[Gk. misogunia] - mis'sog'y-nist n. - mi-sog'y-nis'tic or mi-sog'y-nous adj.


Do any of these characteristics sound familiar?

If you or someone you know has 4 or more of these, we encourage seeking help to deal with the issues that have created these characteristics. Behaviors don't come out of a vacuum, there are reasons (not excuses) for this behavior, and it can be dealt with... often by you getting out of the situation.

* A Knight In Shining Armor, "I'll save you."

* Zeros in on a woman; he chooses her.

* Extremely possessive, always wanting to know where you are; who you're with.

* Obsessively jealous, even of your women friends.

* Has first class spending habits; always wanting more.

* Can't stand criticism; always on the defense.

* Exciting, fun, charismatic.

* A product of a dysfunctional family.

* Had a poor relationship with his mother. He had an abusive or passive father.

* Has a distorted view of reality.

* Uncomfortable with feelings; contemptuous of other's weaknesses.

* Has problems with authority figures.

* If you share a secret with him it may be used against you.

* Threats of withdrawal if you don't comply, "If you really loved me, you would…"

* Makes fun of you, calls you names and inflicts little digs; hostile humor.

* You feel awkward and incompetent around him; controlled.

* Embarrasses you in public, or flatters you then cuts you down when alone.

* Is nasty behind the wheel and feels that others' mistakes are directed toward him.

* Wants or demands undivided attention; you are to be available when he wants you.

* Cruelty may be directed toward animals.

* Has a dual personality (Jekyll/ Hyde).

* Has grandiose behavior; is cocky, controlling, self-centered.

* Is preoccupied with sex and is sexually controlling.

* Is competitive; must always win; his way or no way at all.

* As a child, he enjoyed playing with fire; more than curiosity.

* Was or is involved in a violent sport. (What is he doing now?).

*Comes on too strong and/or too fast, love bombing at first.

* Believes in the traditional stereo-type role modeling and roles.

* Is an habitual liar; he twists facts to make it look as if he were the victim.

* Has extreme mood swings (extreme high to low).

* Takes no responsibility for anything; blames others/ things/ circumstances for his behavior.

* Treats you rough at times; twisting your arm, grabbing, shoving.

* Is nice to others, but treats you badly; shows no respect.

* Steals, uses people, cheats them out of their money; always borrowing, never pays back.

* Professes to be religious then attacks YOUR religious beliefs or practices.

* Gives gifts then demands favors.

* Makes jokes and puts women down in front of you then ridicules you for being upset.

* Encourages pity from others; convinces you to feel sorry for him for all he's had to endure.

*Constantly cuts down your family and friends; isolates you. You must account for your time.

* Very impatient and when he gets angry will destroy property; usually yours.

*Overly sensitive and sulks when he doesn't get his way.

* Tells you everything to do; what to do, how to do it, when to do it; what to wear


(how many of these is your significant other?)

(While this is about the male abuser, your abuser may well be FEMALE!)

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shared by Barbara at 12:22 AM


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22 Comments:

my husband has almost ALL of the above characteristics. After having numerous affairs, he was classified as a sex addict by counsel. He claims to be a born again repentant minister, however he has now began to display most of these characteristics again.
I was a co-dependent. As a child of an alcoholic I had many issues. Now, by the grace of God, I feel free. As the Bible states in Isaiah 54, God is "husband to the husbandless".
I am now ready to move on
Any advice

5:32 PM  

see a lawyer asap - a tough one - and divorce this creep

call your local DV crisis center and ask to see an advocate ASAP. Develop an "exit" plan. Get into counseling, even group counseling - ask the DV center for a referral.

put his butt on the bricks ASAP

2:42 AM  

I just found this site, and as I read the traits of a misogynist my stomach is turning. Most of them apply to my husband. I tried to divorce him twice, and even moved out a year ago, but he's trampled me financially. Two nights ago I was yelled at and told how mean I was, "meaner than my mother", because I wouldn't look at his winning instant lottery tickets.
He controls all the house money, and I'm given money to manage. I work a bit outside the house and have some money of my own, but not enough to leave permanently. I always feel pangs of anxiety when he's around and upset. I "wish" my
life was normal, like so many of my extended family. At least here, I can feel others understand and perhaps I can learn how to make him stop.
d.

10:55 AM  

It was surprising to see that I do a couple of those things myself, but I am human after all, the good thing is now that I realize it I can fix it, and that is often the problem with people who continue a behavior, sometimes it just needs to be brought to their attention.

3:11 PM  

This is in response to the anonymous post and the jslaliba post. To anonymous, I'm so truly sorry. And that line "meaner than my mother", well this is sadly such a TYPICAL phrase from a psychopath. See, there is no truth in them and they always accuse. If you pay attention EVERY WORD THEY SAY IS ACTUALLY AN ACCUSATION! Once you know what they are, you also see that there is NOTHING good about them. None of us are even given a chance to know about psychopathy. And even if your husband had an MRI done and it could be PROVEN that he has the brain functioning of a psychopath, nobody would know what this meant and how all encompassing and soul-destroying it is for us to be in their presence, let alone controlled financially by them. I'm so sad and sorry to tell you this but there is NOTHING that will change him.

I'm still trying to work my way out of my marriage as well. I have severe PTSD but am able to attend college. It's slow going and we're still in debt but have been working my way out of this slowly. God allows me to learn more about Him (God) and more about how completely evil psychopaths are, by being left in this situation. I would never have chosen this life, and I will never willingly put myself into another psychopathic relationship, but one thing I have to say is that I'm SO GLAD THAT THERE IS A HELL! For those Christians who's souls haven't been so completely raped by evil, ask God to reveal this to you. See, I used to think that if you just snuggle, hug, love, give, work hard enough, I (ME. NOT GOD) could fix anyone! (It's what the world tells us. Not God, through His word.) God has shown me that HE IS JUST AND HELL IS JUST!

And to the other post by jslaliba. You may be new here and if so, welcome. This is a great place to learn the truth, but one thing I'd like to say. There is a major difference between not KNOWING something is wrong or offensive and being truly evil. People who have the brain functioning of a psychopath do these behaviors without thought. They may come from the best families, with love and no abuse but they always hate everyone and truly believe that they are god. "I, psychopath" is a video series on Youtube that gives you a birds eye view of how a psychopath thinks. This man makes his living doing videos on Youtube and by his book. He re-rapes the victims of abuse. He is very well-versed in pop-psychology and has even come up with some new terms that others use, but all the cognitive understanding in the world does nothing but give evil ones ways to get in.

Some great books that help explain the way these people think are "Dangerous Liaisons: How to Recognize and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction" by Claudia Moscovici, "Without Conscience" by Robert Hare, "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout, "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression" by Scott Wetzler, "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" by George K. Simon. This should get you started. Keep this in mind, even though there are different labels they use for these different books, just insert the term psychopath. All the behaviors described in these books just helps us to see the layers that are nothing more than behavior indicative of one who has the brain functioning of a psychopath. Just to sum it up a little here, they always LOVE WHAT THEY ARE (if you pay attention they are actually bragging when "admitting" their guilt), always feel sorry for themselves, truly believe that they are innocent and that anything they do is somehow someone elses fault.

This "wisdom" I have is hard earned, so please be gentle. For those of us so horribly abused by psychopaths, please be gentle with us.

7:09 PM  

"This "wisdom" I have is hard earned, so please be gentle. For those of us so horribly abused by psychopaths, please be gentle with us."

I am with you dear sweet soul!!!! My heart goes out to you. I, too, have been through several of these exact types of relationships with misogynists and psychopaths. Just left one actually, and boy and boy, are they in a completely SKEWED world. And horrifyingly sadistic. How someone in what is supposed to be a loving, supportive, mutually caring relationship can have an underlying goal to demean, belittle, humiliate, emotionally and psychologically abuse and control their "loved one" is SO FAR beyond my comprehension. Yes, the term psychopath certainly fits. My last one called me horrific names in our last argument. I have blocked him from all communications. When the person is abusive, manipulative and clearly sadistic, there is no changing them and the best thing to do is WALK AWAY. Or rather, RUN AWAY!!!! I've heard it all... the "sincere" apologies, the empty promises, the Jekyll and Hyding. Honestly, once you recognize the red flags, warning signs, character traits or behaviors, there are two choices. Demand therapy with the partner if in a long-term committed relationship (however, unfortunately, there is very little chance of change with these sick twisted people- they don't care that they're hurting you, and in fact, this is WHAT THEY WANT TO ACCOMPLISH), or LEAVE ASAP.

Much support and heartfelt compassion for all those who have had to deal with this kind of treatment.

7:14 PM  

oh my gosh this is my husband and then some. i am getting my divorce finalized next week after 19-plus years of abuse - he has now devoted his life to "saving" a heroin-addict/felon/prostitute. all my money and faithfulness would not salvage this marriage. if you are with this guy, run, find a church family or some network away from this person. His idea of love is sick.

10:38 PM  

Being nasty and manipulative to others, cruel to animals, stealing and cheating others, etc. are indicative of misanthropy or sociopathic behavior but they're not directed towards women exclusively so it's NOT mysogyny.
General personality flaws and insecurites that are not gender specific are NOT misogynistic - unless they are not genuine and he uses them only to manipulate you because he seeks to control you, which MIGHT be the case but not necessarily and how often do women use manipulative controlling behavior on men? Plus a lot of what you used as examples were not even directed towards a women, but people in his life which may or may not be female.
I think you need to reevaluate your understanding of mysogyny. It's NOT synonymous with general personality flaws, insecurities, ego issues, misanthropy, or sociopathic behavior. NONE of those things are directly indicative of a hatred for or assumed superiority over women.
Neither are naturally masculine traits such as being competitive and aggressive. It seems as if you expect men to BE women. There's nothing wrong with having a feminine side, but males are often naturally more aggressive and might not be as in tune with your sensitivity at all times. If he's being overly aggressive with you and purposely hurting your feelings or being violent, then he is crossing the line. But, being involved in a violent sport? That's a HEALTHY way for a man to let out his aggression.
I understand that domestic abuse is a serious issue, but you shouldn't be spreading misinformation. Say a man has these 4 characteristics on your list: he's a product of a dysfunctional family, likes playing with fire, likes aggressive sports, and has a problem with authority figures. That automatically renders him a misogynist? No, that's not right.

9:07 AM  

to anonymous u have no fucking clue whst an ignorant posting

7:12 AM  

Whew! Reading this has definitely validated my suspicions about a guy who recently tried to "love bomb" me. Proposed on the second date and was shocked that I really couldn't take that seriously. My family and I just told him that he needed to slow down. Sure enough, when he couldn't force me into an instant marriage, move into my home, take over my finances, and boss me around, his language turned from "darling" and "dear" to "slut" and "whore". He accused me of having sex with other men although it was obvious that I was exhausted from long hours at work (where there just happen to be no men). The sad thing about this is that the man is a licensed counselor. I am happy that I made him wait because he really did end up showing his true colors.

11:21 PM  

I first became aware of the word misogynist last year, when finally after nine years for verbal, physical, and emotional abuse, I decided to let in one of cousins on the secret. She had asked me to read this book and as I read chapter after chapter, I realized what I was going through.
My husband has all the classical symptoms of a typical misogynist. I have been married for almost ten years now with three beautiful children.
My husband is very controlling, and he started using K2 the last two years. Ever since he has become someone I don't know. He did use Marijuana before but not as much, and the withdrawl was not as bad.
Now he will do things like put me in time-out in a dark closet and if I cry he will ask me to smile, and then ask me to come and please me in bed or he will leave or other threats.
I am not sure what to think anymore. I have never been like the way I am. I am not financially stable and taking courses but every time I am closer to my finals he does stuff to mess up my semester.
My family is not supportive of me leaving him with three kids, and not being financially stable.
I just want to ask;"is there hope?"
Can a person like this get better? I know he is like a sick person but do people ever improve?

11:54 PM  

OMG...this is my ex....now he's teaching our adopted son (13)to "whack off with calendar girls". Makes me sick...Children and Family condone this behaviour and it's not deemed criminal by the Police. I pray.

7:53 PM  

have just been abandoned by mosoginist boyfriend he said women are their to be subserviant and they're are liars and whores. he love bombed me intially after years of being single and waiting for the right one i was flattered, but he was demanding straight away for my time and didn't respect i had responsibilities work family etc. He was jealous of anyone close to me eventually i became isolated. I knew his behaviour was wrong and thought he would realise he was being unreasonable. I have gone thru three years of hellwith him putting down every aspect of my world, he was out of work drinking and smoking dope with losers when i met him telling me it was because of the reccession why he was unemployed painting a false picture of himself and i felt sorry for him. So i footed the bill for the whole relationship and every time he got his dole money an arguement would insue and he would disapear and return once he had nothing left being nice and saying sorry. He now has got work and has just abandined me with out care for my feelings. I am devastated as i have carried him and i feel so used. I have been thru severe mental and emotional battery from him and i cannot get over the treatment i have received. I begun to fight back with him couldn't take anymore and now he is calling me names and making me feel like i was the problem in the relationship, when i met him i was working and happy in my job and seeing friends going out seeing family, travelling and looking to start my own business i had many dimensions to my life he slowly stripped everything away. I nearly had a nervous breakdown and even contenplated suicide, for what what did i do that i deserve to be treated this way. I am now accepting he is mosoginistic. I handled the whole relationship wrongly as i began attacking him verbally back. i cannot believe i was so sweet to him to begin with and he gave nothing but took what he needed and now he just ignoring me. I am messed up and feel distroyed...................but i am still alive.

6:43 PM  

This list definitely sums up my ex!
He love bombed me for the first couple of months. Then he started arguments for no reason. Completely out of the blue.
He objectified me and put me on a pedestal by saying I was perfect only then to knock me off it by saying "80% of you is perfect, it's just the 20% up here (pointing to my head) we need to sort out.
If I voiced an opinion he told me I could only have an opinion if it was an informed one.
He said he thought it was ok for someone to cheat if they weren't getting what they wanted in a relationship. I then found out he'd cheated on his ex.
Conversations were often about sex. He insisted on telling me sordid details of his past conquests. Even when I told him I found this hurtful, it didn't stop him.
He was constantly talking to me about my two exes, both were abusive, emotionally and verbally. Criticised me for staying with them and told me "you get the relationship you deserve".
If he wasn't getting his own way, he'd tell me there was "a queue". In other words, if you don't give me what I want, there are other women waiting.
I left him after 4 months. He didn't contact me at all and I was doing ok until he sent me an awful letter a month later. Accusing me of bad mouthing him (I didn't). He accused me of being bitter and that he questioned how bad my exes were. He then went on to say how he loved me deeply and couldn't help his feelings for me!
After going through two abusive relationships already, honestly, he actually did a lot of damage.
I am beginning to feel better but it's going to take time for me to fully get my confidence back.
The man I met was a far cry from the one I ended up with and it's really frightened me.

6:08 PM  

I am sorry to say but getting out isn't as easy as leaving you have to BE PREPARED. I thought I could get a TPO and by telling my family finally I would get a divorce and be ok. He has hired the best lawyer in town and trying to find ways to make me out to be a bad mom. I had tape recordings of him fussing but they were not the good ones that you can hear well (you need to do it with iphones with dates), you need to keep voicemessages of him yelling or cussing, you need as much proof of him as a bad father or pics of domestic abuse, you have to tell others more than family members so you will have people that will be willing for court to write affidivits for court that it did happen (people I thought were my friends wrote what he wanted saying he was a good father and they didn't see me as much with the kids), you have to show you can support the kids in court financially so you will need a job if your a stay at home mom, and also you have to be ready for him to put off court hearings with his lawyer. he filed for divorce in april and it is july 29 and we still don't have a court date yet until then the judge gave him 50/50 with my son who is 4 and i worry all the time. so you have to be ready and strong enough for that. i have to be honest. it is a battle i wasn't ready for. i thought this would be fast and i never imagined he would get worse to me than he was.

8:04 PM  

I am so so glad I read this before making the dumb decision to marry my ex. It was like he was constantly sucking me into an emotional vacuum, with no energy left for either of us to even know how I was feeling, let alone to address those feelings. Instead I just pushed those feelings further and further down, in the hope that he would one day be as sweet and charming as when we met. Something written above really caught my attention: Once you know someone is a psychopath you will see that everything they do is either blaming/shaming someone/something else or seeking pity and attention to get their way. I know he has had a hard life, but its hard for me to tell how much of his past is true because I've caught him lying and even about the most mundane things. I want to help him, but nothing I've ever done or given up has ever been enough. I was actually thinking about giving up an opportunity to pursue my PhD to move back in with him and be poor and isolated again, because he seemed so much more willing to work on things again (until the past couple weeks since I agreed to it, during which time he has gone back to seeing that his pain be recognized and mine be belittled.) No more. No more knocking on the window to get in every night because I'm not "responsible" enough to have my own key, no more missing my nephew grow up because he refuses to meet my family year after year, no more feeling guilty for not liking the way he treats me in bed, no more crying behind closed doors so that he doesn't get upset and leave the house, no more believing that he was ever my friend even before we stayed dating. It's all been one big manipulation game that I thought was my fault. I've been fighting his fight for too many years, it can't be mine anymore.

3:47 AM  

My husband is almost all of these. I've tried turning the tables on him and doing some of what he does to me and all it did was make it worse. His twin is the same way. I've been with him for almost 9 years, I love him, and I don't know what to do. I'm miserable.

2:08 PM  

Unknown

He has most of these. Wish for change. I'm the blame for hurting cause he had another baby. When he leaves he takes my children in court. Have no family n uses that one me. I'm a dumb foster kid. At least he has a mom n dad. Everything's always my fault. I'm only with him so I can see my daughters. Sucks cause I'm pregnant now. I k ow he will take it too. I'm so lost. N full of hurt I cry all the time. I don't know what to do I feel I can't move kB without him financially emotionally physically everything. I wish I can be saved.

2:03 PM  

Beware..They do exit. glad we have ways to know about them. but it took 7 years for me. my family told me straight away that he is bad for me within first few interaction. but i just carried on hoping one day he will change. he was in full on in relationship with me for 4yrs (long distance) and informed me that it is still not fully over with his ex. Like an idiot after short breakup i got back thinking it was over..again long distance and same story and more lies. In all this years been at the receiving end of crap after crap from him in every walk of life believing i can fix this. he was a classic text book description of narcissistic sociopath misogynist. one life lesson i learnt is we see world like we are, and these psychos take advantage of our naivety and take advantage of our normal moral behaviour.

7:02 PM  

I am male. I grew up with depression and shame and social anxiety and autism, and I hated my life and the world. Despite being a proud feminist, which I still am, I idealized women and this made me hate them. I didn't understand why my adoration seemed returned with percieved scorn, when out-going men who seemed to have no respect for women would have little trouble finding partners.

In other words, despite being a proud feminist and having a fervent hatred of misogyny, I seem to have developed a kind of mirrored misogyny, an anger towards women not caused by a lack of respect or admiration, but by my disappointment that women are "only" human when I so wished them to be more.

And while I don't intend to defend my "mirrored" misogyny, I should point out that I never had any antipathy against individual women, and as such I was mostly very harmless except to myself. ALmost all my friends, growing up, were women. I don't recognize myself in all that many of the stated characteristics, quite the contrary.

Either way, I have since realized the mistakes in my thinking - Women are as complex as I am, not ideally irrational or ideally fantastic. They would have probably responded better if I'd been a relatively normal guy (and they almost certainly would have liked my respect for them if I hadn't been too afraid to talk to them). And the reason why dirtbags tend to get labeled as "charismatic" is because they're shameless, not because anyone - least of all women - like them more once they get to know them.

However, for the past many years, while I've been improving my understanding of women (and, to a lesser extent, other men), I still struggle with feelings that many would justifiably consider misogynistic. I don't want to, any more than I did when I was an ignorant child. I never chose these feelings, and I want to get rid of them.

If anyone has any suggestions, for what men in my position could do to improve their relationship with women, I'd be quite happy to hear them.
On a related note, I think a lot of young men (and 26-year-old autistics) would benefit a lot from a deeper understanding of women when it comes to stuff like dating, sexuality, general male-female interaction. Sexuality, especially among teenagers, is a force of nature, and if it isn't channeled in a positive way, it causes serious damage to the individual in question. I think this applies to both men and women, but on the topic of misogyny I think we'd do well to make the topic of male-female interaction far more transparent than it is. I still don't know when and where I'm not supposed to talk to women, so I end up not doing it, which makes me miserable and, in the past, it fundamentally broke my relationship to women.
I'm tempted to ask for advice on this issue, too, because there are a LOT of placed on the internet where the advice one gets is highly dubious and occasionally misogynist.

Either way, thanks for reading.

Emil Sørensen
Holstebro, Denmark

11:56 AM  

There are more misogynist men than we want to think. I married what I thought, was a wonderful man. Although I do have to say it was a quite hasty decision. It was way too soon. But we were happy in the beginning. Not that I would have seen any of these traits had I waited, they seemed to come out of nowhere and started soon after we got married. First with off color comments to me around family members. He seemed to get a kick out of humiliating me. For the first 10 years I didn't know what was happening to me. I would cry sometimes and ask him what I did. Just for the record, they love that. Gives them even more power.
At some point I turned into a total bitch. My instinct is to fight back, yell, criticize him and do as I please. Wow does this ever enrage him! When they lose control, it's more than they can take. They cannot lose the power. I feel a little sad that I let him get away with stuff initially but things changed after we were married and we had two small children and I couldn't just hit the road, as much as I would have liked to. I always threatened to leave but he knew I was stuck there.
Anyway, I found a friend (male) to spend time with chatting and having a nice meal now and then. No sex, just friendship (who wants to deal with another guy at the same time) and he found out. He is out of his mind now. Called me a whore and a slut (by the way, he said I always was a whore and a slut even before he married me) and took away credit cards and told me he is going to tell my children what a whore I am sneaking around behind his back. He is pathetic. He has no idea how to keep a women happy, have a loving relationship without controlling them and by the way, had many indiscretions of his own. I guess what's good for him is not necessarily good for me.
I couldn't care less how mad he is. He's a self centered coward in a world that only contains himself. (it's all about me, myself and I) He is the TRUE definition of a misogynist male. The only thing he doesn't do is abuse animals and set fires but he does every single other thing on the list. He told me I am too independent for my own good. Really? Can anyone be too independent for their own good? My parents raised me and my sisters to be strong and independent. A trait about me that he hates with a passion because he does know I will leave him and I can make it on my own without him. Control of me is all he wants. He is a gross human being and a pathetic excuse for a man. No one could have been more blind sided than me. I will be more careful next time if there even is a next time. I think first and foremost you need to shy away from men that have bad relationships with their mothers. It kind of all starts there.

7:45 PM  

Unfortunately, these characteristics are major building blocks of my father's personality. I'm 19, I'm stuck with him, I don't know what to do.

2:12 PM  

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