Sanctuary for the Abused
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Liar, Liar?
By Cynthia Hubert
You think you can tell when he's lying. His eyes dart back and forth. He can't keep his hands still. He stutters and stumbles over his words.
You think you can tell when he's lying. His eyes dart back and forth. He can't keep his hands still. He stutters and stumbles over his words.
Deception is written all over him, right? Not necessarily.
Nailing a fibber is not nearly as easy or instinctive as most people think, say scientists, authors and other keen observers of the art of deception.
"There is no simple checklist," says Gregory Hartley, a former military interrogator who applies the techniques he used on enemy combatants in a new book for civilians, "How To Spot a Liar."
But with a little practice, Hartley insists, you, too, can become a human lie detector.
It is a skill that has challenged us through the ages, says Dallas Denery, a professor of medieval history at Bowdoin College in Maine who is working on a book about the history of lying. "The problem of lies and liars has been with us forever," he says. "In the Judeo-Christian tradition, history really begins with a lie, with Adam and Eve and the serpent."
Fast forward to modern times and a 2002 study suggesting that most people lie in everyday conversation. Researchers at the University of Massachusetts observed people talking for 10 minutes and found that 60 percent of them lied at least once, telling an average of two to three fibs. Some of the lies were benign, but others were extreme, including one person who falsely claimed to be a rock star.
"We didn't expect lying to be such a common part of daily life," one of the researchers, Robert Feldman, observed after the study was published.
Over the years, CIA agents, police detectives, psychologists, lawyers and others have tried a variety of methods to identify liars, from polygraph machines to "voice stress analysis" to analysis of barely perceptible facial movements that can give away hidden feelings. None of the techniques has been foolproof.
And the search for the truth continues. The science of liars and lying remains a hot topic in research circles, and book after book offers the latest theory about how to tell when a spouse is cheating, a witness is lying in court or a car salesman is overstating the value of a vehicle.
Check out just a few of the titles on the subject at www.amazon.com: "Lies and Liars: Pinocchio's Nose and Less Obvious Clues," "Liar! A Critique of Lies and the Act of Lying," "When Your Lover Is a Liar," and "The Concise Book of Lying." It's enough to shatter your trust in humanity.
John Mayoue, an Atlanta divorce lawyer who has represented famous clients - including Jane Fonda in her breakup with Ted Turner - says lying is rampant in his business.
"In the courtroom, there is no end to the lying, particularly if money is at stake," Mayoue says. "The more money, the bigger the lies."
The greatest lie in relationships, he says, is "Honey, I love you but I'm no longer in love with you. That's someone's way of saying they're cheating on you."
The Internet culture has made lying practically a sport, Mayoue observes. "You just have to assume that you're in the midst of a liar's ball when you're online," he says. "It's a fantasy realm. I can't see you. I can't look at signals. I can't test you. There is no verification."
In court and in daily life, Mayoue believes, a person's eyes tell the truest story.
"Looking at someone in an unwavering manner and answering the question is very telling," he says. "When I see eyes shift side to side and up and down, it just causes suspicion."
Hartley, the former interrogator, agrees that body language can hint at deception. But not always, he says. "Your eyes drift naturally when you're searching for information," he says. "I've never met anyone who doesn't move their eyes when looking for details."
The key to uncovering a lie, he says, is knowing how the liar behaves normally, when he or she is relaxed, and picking up on changes in voice patterns, eye movement and other body language.
"You've got to ask the right questions, then observe how that person responds," Hartley says.
"You've got to ask the right questions, then observe how that person responds," Hartley says.
Signs of stress, which may signal that someone is lying, include flared nostrils and audible breathing, shaky hands and elbows moving closer to the ribs, according to Hartley.
"Stress does horrible things to our brains," he says. "Stress hormones can virtually turn off your brain and make you become reactive."
For the most notorious liars, the tendency to fib may be biological, suggests a study by researchers at the University of Southern California.
Pathological liars, the scientists found, have structural differences in their brains that could affect their abilities to feel remorse and learn moral behavior and might give them an advantage in planning deceitful strategies, the researchers discovered.Other scientists have suggested that pathological liars owe their behavior to the psychiatric diagnosis known as narcissism, and may truly believe their own falsehoods.
But the average, everyday fibber lies to achieve a goal, says communication expert Laurie Puhn, author of the best-selling book "Instant Persuasion, How To Change Your Words To Change Your Life." Most people lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings, to avoid a commitment or a task, to cover up bad behavior or to elevate themselves professionally or personally, she says.
Puhn advises people who suspect someone is lying to ask unexpected questions, look for contradictions in their statements and ask a follow-up question a couple of days later about the suspected lie.
"If someone says they had to work late to deal with a new client and you are suspicious, ask them about it a week later," she says. "They're likely to answer, 'What new client?' It's hard for liars to keep their lies straight."
Bettyanne Bruin, who parlayed her experiences with a former partner into a book and a support group for people who have been deceived, says the first step toward detecting a liar is overcoming denial.
"People tend to ignore the red flags," says Bruin, author of "Shattered: Six Steps From Betrayal to Recovery." "Their gut tells them what is going on, but they really do want to believe the best about the person they love."
The most critical sign that a partner is lying, she says, is defensiveness.
"Liars are very defensive when you question them," says Bruin. "They will become very resistant and angrier and angrier upon each attempt to probe." Often, she says, they make their partners feel guilty about questioning them. "They'll say, 'You're being unreasonable,' or 'Why are you treating me this way?'"Types of lies
Joseph Tecce, an associate professor of psychology at Boston College who has studied liars and lying, identifies six types of untruths, some more egregious than others.
He classifies them as:
He classifies them as:
The 'protective' lie, which can shield the liar from danger.
The 'heroic' lie, created to protect someone else from danger or punishment.
The 'playful' lie, such as an angler's fib about the size of his fish.
The 'ego' lie, designed to shield someone from embarrassment.
The 'gainful' lie, which somehow enriches the fibber.
And the 'malicious' lie, told to deliberately hurt someone else.
Labels: abusers, casual dishonesty, lies, narcissist, psychopath, red flags
Thursday, April 04, 2013
The Misogynist
[Gk. misogunia] - mis'sog'y-nist n. - mi-sog'y-nis'tic or mi-sog'y-nous adj.
Do any of these characteristics sound familiar?
If you or someone you know has 4 or more of these, we encourage seeking help to deal with the issues that have created these characteristics. Behaviors don't come out of a vacuum, there are reasons (not excuses) for this behavior, and it can be dealt with... often by you getting out of the situation.
* A Knight In Shining Armor, "I'll save you."
* Zeros in on a woman; he chooses her.
* Extremely possessive, always wanting to know where you are; who you're with.
* Obsessively jealous, even of your women friends.
* Has first class spending habits; always wanting more.
* Can't stand criticism; always on the defense.
* Exciting, fun, charismatic.
* A product of a dysfunctional family.
* Had a poor relationship with his mother. He had an abusive or passive father.
* Has a distorted view of reality.
* Uncomfortable with feelings; contemptuous of other's weaknesses.
* Has problems with authority figures.
* If you share a secret with him it may be used against you.
* Threats of withdrawal if you don't comply, "If you really loved me, you would…"
* Makes fun of you, calls you names and inflicts little digs; hostile humor.
* You feel awkward and incompetent around him; controlled.
* Embarrasses you in public, or flatters you then cuts you down when alone.
* Is nasty behind the wheel and feels that others' mistakes are directed toward him.
* Wants or demands undivided attention; you are to be available when he wants you.
* Cruelty may be directed toward animals.
* Has a dual personality (Jekyll/ Hyde).
* Has grandiose behavior; is cocky, controlling, self-centered.
* Is preoccupied with sex and is sexually controlling.
* Is competitive; must always win; his way or no way at all.
* As a child, he enjoyed playing with fire; more than curiosity.
* Was or is involved in a violent sport. (What is he doing now?).
*Comes on too strong and/or too fast, love bombing at first.
* Believes in the traditional stereo-type role modeling and roles.
* Is an habitual liar; he twists facts to make it look as if he were the victim.
* Has extreme mood swings (extreme high to low).
* Takes no responsibility for anything; blames others/ things/ circumstances for his behavior.
* Treats you rough at times; twisting your arm, grabbing, shoving.
* Is nice to others, but treats you badly; shows no respect.
* Steals, uses people, cheats them out of their money; always borrowing, never pays back.
* Professes to be religious then attacks YOUR religious beliefs or practices.
* Gives gifts then demands favors.
* Makes jokes and puts women down in front of you then ridicules you for being upset.
* Encourages pity from others; convinces you to feel sorry for him for all he's had to endure.
*Constantly cuts down your family and friends; isolates you. You must account for your time.
* Very impatient and when he gets angry will destroy property; usually yours.
*Overly sensitive and sulks when he doesn't get his way.
* Tells you everything to do; what to do, how to do it, when to do it; what to wear
(how many of these is your significant other?)
(While this is about the male abuser, your abuser may well be FEMALE!)
Labels: casual dishonesty, defensive, hatred, jealous, manipulation, martyr, misogyny, twisted thinking, women
