Sanctuary for the Abused

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Avoiding The Emotional Blackmailer


A Girl's Guide to Avoiding the Emotional Blackmailer

by Suzanne Watts

The Emotional Blackmailer is easy to recognize, but women seldom do until they are well and truly sucked into his web. It is best to avoid getting close to him because it is quite difficult to get away from him. Stalkers start out as emotional blackmailers. Just the word "blackmailer" should give you a clue of what depth of self-centered behaviour is lying in wait to be sprung on you the minute you are hooked. Here are the roots and the signs, the way he progresses to hook his victim, and how to get away from him.

What Creates an Emotional Blackmailer?
A combination of neglect, overprotectiveness, coldness, spoiling and lack of nurturing in infancy and childhood. This can be ascertained by comments he makes about his parents - both of them. He will hate them and resent them, while still taking his laundry home to mommy even when she lives in the next STATE. His mom is blamed for him not knowing how to do anything - she never even taught him to make his bed or hang up his wet towel, and she didn't feed him; his dad is blamed for him choosing a profession that he is ill-suited for - any profession that wasn't his dad's. He will say they are both critical of him, and never gave him any support for anything he wanted to do to better himself. This may be the sad truth, but he uses it as an excuse to get everyone he meets for the rest of his life to serve his needs. He does not have empathy - in this way he is like the sociopath to whom people are objects.

The "Modus Operandi" of the Emotional Blackmailer
He is too good to be true - He is soft-spoken and polite, he smells good, he looks good, he is kind and loves women, he is respectful, he doesn't come on too strong FOR THE FIRST FEW MEETINGS ONLY. He's always on the lookout for a patsy, but he's in no hurry as there's always another one around the corner so he'll take his time in coming on to you. In fact you'll wonder why he's not attracted to you; you might think he is gay, and be all the more attracted to him because he just wants to chat and be friends.

He'll be there more and more frequently - gazing at you with puppy dog eyes; wanting to know everything about you, asking your advice, making it look like you are getting to know each other and forming a bond.

He will put himself in the best possible light - including lying through his teeth about his ambitions, activities, hopes and dreams.

His seduction techniques are often subtle and well-practiced - It will seem he did nothing to seduce you until you look back and analyze it. He sat and stood close to you, he brushed against you, but it didn't seem to be on purpose.

He suddenly "Turns on the Charm" and turns up the heat - Once you're hypnotized by his sweetness and modesty and respectfulness, he will pounce on you one night and turn into a Mr. Hyde. It "just happened." This is the critical moment to run away, don't let him touch you. He'll leave you breathless wondering what exactly happened. He'll turn on all the charm full force and you'll be wanting him from then on, yet wanting some breathing room. You won't get any. Ever. It won't bother you at first - you'll think he's attentive and ardent.

He starts using the wine/ dine/ lines technique - Once you're "seeing" each other, he'll be a real swain, wining and dining you, going for romantic walks, discussing how amazing this new relationship is, how different you are from any woman he ever met; he'll insist on elegant dinners and pay for them, and he'll talk about your remarkable beauty and how "alike" you are. He will talk about your "resonance" and describe all the awful women he knew before who didn't want a good man - who wanted someone to abuse them. All of this is meaningless talk. He uses the same lines on every woman.

He becomes clingy and controlling - He will start seeing you nearly every day and each time insist on knowing exactly when the next date will be. It won't matter if you spent 8 hours with him on Sunday, unless you agree to another date Monday or Tuesday it will all be for nothing; he will be unhappy and hound you for a commitment because he is insatiable for attention and security - he needs to know when he will get his next fix.

He will whine and even shed tears - if you say you have other things to do, other people to see, or want to be alone after seeing him 8 days in a row. He enjoys being abused, so if you scream at him it only makes him feel more secure. He got used to fighting all around him as a child and he equates fighting with love.

He'll start demanding that you "prove your love" - In time you will be expected to pay for your own lunch and dinner when you go out, and sometimes for his too. The only way to avoid it is to order nothing and just watch him eat. That is the only way to avoid being asked to "help out" because he is short this week. At this point you will be asking yourself, "What am I doing this for?" You have become nothing but his prop. You will be asked to buy him books, dishes, household goods and help him with his bills to "prove your love" because he's shown how much he loves you; he will expect you to cancel family engagements to spend time with you, see him even if you're ill. He has become your jailer. The key is: he demands CONSTANT proof of your love.

He will "seem" to accept your decision to break up - As the months roll along and you are tired of his constant presence, begging, whining, using up all your spare money and having unreasonable control of your life, you will decide to break up with him. He will then agree to back off, give you some space, and try to do better. These are all lies.

He'll tell you he has "changed" - No matter how many times you break up with him, he will call you to tell you that he needs you, that he has changed, and he will say it all in a calm voice as if he respects your decision to come back or not. His game is to stay away just long enough that you forget his annoying traits and miss the good parts. But if you agree to even one meeting it will be back to daily visits and demands for constant pampering again.

Getting Rid of the Bastard
The only way to get rid of the emotional blackmailer is when he has found another willing victim to be his patsy. He will already be courting her while seeing you and you will know this when he starts being late for every date (he is juggling two or more women per day). Once he has the new person in his thrall and has nothing to lose by losing you, he will drop you like a hot potato - over the phone.

Beware of his "surprise" return - This is not the end of it if the new woman disappoints him in any way - if she has less money than he expected, if she demands good behaviour, if she doesn't give him enough attention. Then he will be at your door again - in a few months or even years later!

He preys on sympathy, and lives to control - He will then say he is leaving her, but his purpose is to have both women in his control - perhaps one for money and one to scream at him, and both for companionship. He gets a high from controlling people, because as a child he had no control over anything and frequently felt abandoned. This is why the more women who feel sorry for him, give him food, listen to him, go out with him, the better he feels and behaves. However, he is telling each of them the same thing: they are the best, the most beautiful, the most like him, he wants to spend the rest of his life with ONLY THEM.

The character of the Emotional Blackmailer
Everything he says or does is for gain. He does nothing for the sheer joy of it, or because he likes people or wants to build a relationship: he is looking ahead to what he can get out of the person: sex, housekeeping, cooking, emotional support, someone pretty to be seen with, money, someone to listen to him spin his tales of woe, what have you. Loyalty or faithfulness are not in his nature.

He will become vicious and even violent if he is crossed, contradicted or denied what he wants. His rage is something to behold. It looks exactly like the tantrum of a five year old. That is still his emotional age, although he has the smooth moves of a Casanova down pat.

How to extricate yourself from the Emotional Blackmailer

Cutting off Contact
One way out is to cut off all contact. Even one phone call or meeting will put you back in his control if you get back into the same pattern of doing what he wants when he wants it. He is a master manipulator who will prey on your sympathy for him as a human being.

Any time spent reasoning with him is wasted - he doesn't hear a word you say. All arguments are circular.

Talking about wanting to see other friends only enrages him; makes him want you more. You should seem to be dateless, uninteresting, and undesired by other men, as well as uninterested in any man, period.

After you have cut off contact, he will stalk you for a while if he doesn't have a replacement lined up yet, but this will cease because it isn't fulfilling enough for him. He NEEDS feedback, anger, someone to scream at him. Any kind of attention pleases him - he is a true masochist who would enjoy being slapped.

You must ignore him completely and utterly.

Turning the Tables
Another way to ditch the Emotional Blackmailer is to turn the tables on him. A man who is so good at manipulating is also easily manipulated to do whatever you want IF you do it the right way. It can be fun to turn the tables on him if you want revenge for all the time he wasted and the misery he gave you. You can be rid of him within a few weeks without avoiding him by doing the following:

Exhibit jealousy and make it clear that you won't share him with anyone else, and you expect to spend the rest of your life with him and have exclusive rights over him. This will make him feel suffocated for a change and he will be eagerly stepping out on you while claiming he wants only you.

Lose interest in doing anything you used to do for him or with him; stop taking him seriously; don't listen to his rants about his job; ridicule his ideas, act bored and make it clear you see him only as a useful decoration. Tell him to grow up, tell him you are well aware of his manipulative games but you like him anyway and demand he be faithful to you. This will scare him and make him step up his efforts with the other women, and he will soon be out of your life. When he comes crawling back, you tell him you require faithfulness and he's ruined it for you: he will have no answer for that and he will have lost.

A Final Note:

Healthy, non-manipulative men:

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shared by Barbara at 12:22 AM


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4 Comments:

HELP!!! I am an in complete desperation right now an need advice. I broke it of with my boyfriend who I was with for nearly 2 yrs, I love him but our relationship has been toxic from day 1. We have had our good times but I cant continue doing this anymore. He moved to my home town and is isolated from friends and family which makes me feel like a cold hearted cow. I cant forget the past pain he was so controlling and verbally abusive but was slowly improving but i cant get back to where i was. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach and it is seriously affecting me physically because he wont accept its over and im not comming back, he is constantly crying and begging for me to go back it breaks my heart. I just want him to accept it and concentrate on going back home to his friends and family, he needs to buy his plane ticket and just go. I love him but I am not willing to try anymore because i dont have it in me, I am completly drained. Please I am so sick with guilt and hurt, I need to hear advise good or bad Please!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( :( :(

12:49 PM  

Get into therapy ALONE or go to a DV or WOMEN'S CENTER and start seeing counselor BY YOURSELF... IMMEDIATELY.

Toxic men rarely accept it and the only way to do it is NO CONTACT and cut him off. Change your phone numbers, get a restraining order if you must.

Your local DV or WOMEN'S CENTER can help. Go. NOW.

2:03 PM  

Step 1. When push comes to shove you need to resolve in your head CLEARLY who is going to survive this and visualise it.
Step 2. Understand in nature A PARASITE NEVER LEAVES IT'S HOST VOLUNTARILY.

Now it will begin to dawn on you the scale of the battles to come. It will have hit him too just what a superb human being you truly are and a 'woman' to boot and how Dependent He Is On You. Your problem is getting rid of this rubbish. His problem will be functioning as a human being in front of others almost constantly without your genuineness to hide his bad behaviour behind. Go seek DV help for yourself. Protect yourself. Value yourself. You are worth it.

5:46 PM  

Everything about this is exactly what I have been thinking, feeling, and experiencing. After the first terrible breakup where I suddenly never existed to him I researched narcissism and tried to tell mutual friends he seemed to have a real problem. I was looking for support and reassurance I wasn't overreacting but I got nothing.

He doesn't seem manipulative, domineering, or capable of being a womanizer because he is publicly self-deprecating and seems like a pathetic teen who just doesn't get why girls don't like him or why his relationships fail. He comes across as a loving, devoted, caring sweetheart who desperatly wants a wife to share his life with.

He has cultivated that image so well that I couldn't see that it was all a mask. Nothing about it is genuine. Honestly, he told me all of this several years ago and I mistook his disclosure as a sign of intimacy. A sign that he was human and trying to overcome his faults. It was another layer of his game.

I'm boring to him now. I stopped responding once I started fearing for my life. His ultimate fantasy is a woman who can kill him. I really truly didn't understand that it wasn't something poetic he was saying or maybe a power fantasy, he wants someone who is cold and can kill him. But he only goes after nurturing women who take care of him and validate everything you said. I learned I ultimately didn't want to kill him and I didn't want to die or spend anymore of my life fighting someone for the sake of fighting. It never went anywhere. He loves the fighting. That's love to him. He loves being hated and he loves knowing that for the most part he can manipulate people into loving him again. If he can't then he forgets the person and is gone forever. I won't hear from him. I left too easily the last time we broke up. The game wasn't fun anymore so I stopped playing.

There will always be someone available to play his games and validate his worth. I did almost everything in the turning tables section because it made me feel powerful. Finally I was on top. I got too big and he knocked me down. But I'm not sufferring without him so I will neeeever see him again. He doesn't get the admiration he used to thus I don't exist to him.

10:38 AM  

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