Sanctuary for the Abused

Monday, July 11, 2016

28 Signs of An Abuser


1. Unemployed or Underemployment.
Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.

2. Emotional Dependency.
Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.

3. High Investment in Marriage.
Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.

4. Boundaries.

5. Quick Involvement.
6. Controlling Behavior.
7. Jealousy.Angry about your relationship with other men, women, coworkers, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

8. Abusive Family of Origin.
Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.

9. Low Self-Esteem.

10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse.
11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions.
12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems.
13. Hypersensitivity.
Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.

14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.

15. Unrealistic Expectations.

16. Rigid Gender Roles.
17. Rigid Religious Beliefs.Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

18. Disrespect for Women in General.

19. Emotional Abuse.
20. Isolation.
21. Reliance on Pornography.
22. Sexual Abuse.
23. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others.
24. Past Violence.
Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).

25. Fascination with Weapons.
Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others. Tells you he knows how to kill someone and/or how to hide bodies; or that he has 'friends' who will 'take care of you'.

26. Threats of Violence.

27. Breaking or Striking Objects.

Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."
28. Any Force During an Argument.


Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning.


This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.

ONE OR TWO of these traits is ENOUGH to consider him ABUSIVE!  (FYI these traits apply to FEMALE abusers too)

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shared by Barbara at 12:05 AM


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183 Comments:

This list is extremely helpful!

11:38 PM  

From reading this list i have just realised that my boyfriend has been emotionally abusing me, i dnt no what to do i feel so weak i love him but no dis relationship does not work anymore

11:22 AM  

Looks like I had better leave him before he gets back to the UK.

1:07 PM  

Is there a list for women?? Many are just as bad if not worse.

9:05 AM  

This list could easily be reworked for women.

9:54 AM  

Gives me chills every time I read it. One or two of these traits is enough to consider him abusive...lets try 15-20 of them. Thankful I got out.

4:09 PM  

Just read this blog - I make it very plain that women can be abusers too.

12:35 AM  

So, if my husband hit and broke my car window with our baby in the back seat, does that mean it WILL get worse at one point? He and i got in an argument a few months ago. He said something that totally shocked and hurt me passed the pount of crying. I was angry and lunged at him. He turned me around and choked/strangled me to the point i couldn't breath and my feet were off the ground. He said he was defending himself. So, first the car(afew years ago), then the choking. Should i be scared that it will get worse or am i over analyzing? People say it will get worse.

9:18 PM  

Im dating a guy who seems nice and very muc
h like a gentleman, but am I being too paranoid that he asked me to be his girlfriend within the first two weeks of us knowing each other, he frequently questions if i talk to other guys and is economically below me? He constany reassures me he's not rushing me, I like him but something tells me something isn't right

12:20 AM  

Wow this put me in shock I never understood why he does it or how to tell but I have read 18 that are bout him... but I'm attached he has no1 else but me n he's homeless now n ill b the first to admit 3 of them is about me like abused as a kid n needing him n low self esteem but I never threaten him or put my hands on him someone pls tell me how to get out b4 its too late n he does worse than just grabbing my throat

2:00 AM  

"HE" moved out 11 days ago. He had 20 out of these 28. Jesus! I knew he was bad, just amazing he was that bad. I'm relieved it's over

1:06 PM  

I married him in 2009. When I got pregnant it started. In that time he has isolated me from my family n friends. He has done everything on that list just about. i lost my two older children to my first husband but i didn't fight cause i wanted them safe. Three days ago he came at me and our toddler starting crying and saying bad daddy. he went at h im. at that point i decided to get off the rollar coaster.Two days ago i ran with a back pack of clothes and 20 dollars on foot. i am now at a safe location . i am scared and broken. I don't know life has instore but i know i have to be strong for my baby.

9:31 PM  

I feel like my 20yr old daughter is being abused mentally as well as physically. I too was once in an abusive relationship at one time but got out before it got physical. She won't talk to us now and has a 16 month old son that is NOT his child. She won't admit any of this to us but has to friends. How do I help her? Grandparents have no rights where we live and I'm scared for them both. She has my grandsons dad convenced that they are fine and we are crazy. What can I do? I've seen so many red flags myself. If she won't help herself, ho can I help my grandson?

11:27 PM  

Wow! Let's alone I count only strong ones...it brings to 24 count! I would not count lightly but strong ones. I no longer living with him when baby is only 1 year and 5 month. It been battle ground(3 years) ever since...numerous of harassement,stalking,stolen property, fights...go on and on...Now He gave up and move on with his new realtionship.I am now at peace for the first time in a month.....hope it stays that way!

4:15 PM  

I looked up these signs of an abuser after meeting a guy who met nearly 90% of this list. He would psycho dial me and call my job if he didn't hear from me within 5-10min at a time. I very scared after finding out on our local court website that he has a history of explosive behavior. How the fuck do I cut him off? If he tries to harm me I swear to fucking God I will kill him!

3:14 PM  

Yes get out now.

1:57 PM  

If he keeps calling you - tell the police he is harassing you.

Tell him in no uncertain terms he is to stay away from you. If he doesn't listen TELL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY. If they come to your home, have the document from the local court printed out for them to see.

GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW.

11:33 PM  

Ive been with HIM off/on since 1994. We have a 17yr old, 8mo old and 6wk old together. HE meets all the criteria excet he is not sexually abusive. He calls me a whore and worse when he gets mad, he accuses me of cheating and says he has a new girlfriend. He punched a hole in my closet door. He ignores me most of the time, disregards my feelings ALL the time, and he hit me the 1st time when I was pregnant with our last baby...the stress caused me to have the baby when I was 29wks pregnant. Yesterday he choked me five times, he slammed my head against the toilet and the floor. Im sad and hurt, ive loved him since 6th grade. Im afraid of the future, of taking care of two babies alone... Feel like dying...

8:39 PM  

I have seen in my life that ALL sexually abused people are insecure and dominating and controlling to the extreme. And they get nervous when things are not going exactly as they want things to go. And I have seen that girls that were abused by Daddy are so damaged that nothing normal can ever be experienced with them. Oh yes they love the person that lets them in to death. They call all the time and get angry if the partner is doing anything they didn't know about. Demanding that they be told everywhere and everything the partner is thinking of doing at all times.

At first the partner is enamored by the attention and devotion of the abuse victim. Soon it is clear that something is very wrong and normal things are rejected by the abuse victim. Then the partner is shamed and manipulated by the victims needs and sadness.

It is better to free yourself from the abuse victims life draining behavior and let Therapists deal with them. Because life goes by fast and then one day you are old and still dealing with all the mental and emotional problems any time you want something that does not center around pleasing the Abuse Victim.

4:19 PM  

My boyfriend whom i currently live and have a baby with seems to meet alot of this critiriea. We had an argument as soon as he started yelling at me i asked him to not yell and he said he could yell all he wanted then i tried leaving the room then he held me down against the bed and started yelling at my face and said i wasn't leaving untill he was done talking i started squirming kicking and crying because i was afraid then he let me go when i accidentally hit his hin with my knee. I ran out of the room he then followed me saying that why did i hit him that he did nothing wrong to me.

5:10 AM  

If anyone feels anyway but safe and comfortable in a relationship. ..you must get out of it asap.

3:21 AM  

Thank you, your work on this website is invaluable, you have saved me and many others I'm sure. Again, thank you.

5:26 AM  

These also sound like the signs of someone who is being abused. I think the list in not accurate. And for the record, women can exhibit ALL of these behaviors and many in a stealth way. So, this sounds kind of old and not as helpful as first appearance.

6:25 PM  

My boyfriend always calls me a bitch, yells at me an says I'm cheating when I go to work he takes my money from me an gives me gas money each day which is only 10 dollars..its only enough to get me to work an by the time I leave my gas light is on an I get yelled at for it. He always calls me a fat ass because I gained 30 pounds after having our 2 babies. When we have sex its real quick he gets up an walks outside. Everyday he talks about this girl who lives by us. It was the first thing he said to me this morning was about her an I hadn't seen him in 24hrs. Is he cheating or what. Idk what to do

11:32 AM  

My ex husband did atleast 20 of the things on this list. I was pregnant when we married, so this explains why things escalated so fast. This is so helpful for me because its been a few years and I still have trouble with it all. He is 31 and working on his 4th wife. Its been hard because I have never been the same since it all happened

9:23 PM  

I've been in an abusive relationship and finally put an end to it when he wouldn't stop pinching me and grabbing my breast in a public place. He began mocking me. I snapped and began swinging my arms at him. He pushed me down to the floor. I walked out and never responded to his phone calls or text messages where he said I was in the wrong and owe him an apology. I was wrong to hit him, but at the time, I felt I needed to protect myself from his further abuse. I'm so much happier now without him.

11:38 PM  

Anonymous stop pushing your agenda about women being as frequently abusive as men. That is simply not true. While it is very true that women can also be abusive, the relative percentages are small. Domestic violence is overwhelmingly perpetrated by men against women. To say otherwise is ignorant or a blatant attempt to spread myths and misinformation.

11:58 PM  

I love the piece Barbara wrote and I am grateful for her to be waking up women so they no longer feel confused and unsure what adult abuse truly entails.
Ladies,I was sad to read that some of you have young babies with people who are punching/pushing and screaming at you. Time for you to run away with the child. I know its easier said than done but remember you've all come along way to work on your confidence and these quality of men shouldn't be let out in society. They will play the nice man game when they hear you are attempting to plan your future without him.
I was surprised when i read the other comments someone wrote at 4.19 it certainly borders on defamation about child abuse victims. You are after writing cutting down comments about sexual abuse victims and how they should be avoided?? Perhaps not all of them is like that. Are you a child abuser who served your sentence that wants to use these forms to have an attack at the injured parties?
Lets straighten one thing up here - people who suffered abuse as children are generally at high risk to meet more abusers until healed.From having dealings with different women I know for a fact that most men target people who are disconnected from families due to child abuse and other forms of abuse and they use that as a meal ticket to prey on the victim. They then feel temporary empowered and they get the victim to build trust in them and then they resort to playing mind games like the victims previous child abuser. Some men have been known to use women's child abuse stories to humiliate them.
I have more stories about men who have helped to further psychologically damage people and one case was about a lady who happened to be sexually abused as a child. He targeted her and told her what she wanted to hear. He worked full-time and he gambled and drank his monies and preys on the victim's kindness and tells his work colleagues that she is a handful because her dad raped her as a child. He uses dictionary english and comes across like the walter mitty rogue and can be very convincing but not in front of the right people. He used the high profile case to make himself look in a positive light.

2:05 PM  

Ive been in a relationship for almost 9 years now. He abused me in the past. I left him for a while. We eneded uptogether agian. I got pregnant with our 1st daughter and moved into a house together. He began to be abusive I believe. He likes to choke me and pull my hair. Theres been many times hes forced me into having sex. If I try and say no to him he becomes very violent and forces me.tells me I have no choice and its not up to me. He often tells me I need to obey him. I am now pregnant with our 2nd child.i was recently put on bed rest due to my water leaking early. Im also not supposed to have sex. Hes seems to be getting more angry and mean towards me. The other nght we werent getting along or talking. He had left for the day came back later that night. he made me sit down on the couch n sat next to me. He grabbed me by the hair shoved my head down scratched his hands down my back and smacked it. He began to choke me and tell me I need to listen to him. I said no please stop. He told me to shut up. He pulled my shirt up to expose my breasts and began to touch and pull on them. he kept pulling me around by my hair made me stand up and pulled down my pants n took them off. The whole time I was sayn no stop. Please no. I was finally able to get loose n ran up stairs. He followed me got my hair n put me on our bed. If I moved hed smack me in the face grab my hair or pinch me. He startd to play with me and eventually had sex with me. I cryed for a while afterwards I felt so violated. The next morning he was still being mean teling me to shut up. I had got in the shower. And next thing I kno hes behind me and forced me to have sex agian. Not even a couple hours later we were siting on the couch. He grabed me by the hair n made me give him head. Im terrified of him. The way he choked me I felt like he wanted to kill me. Idk what to do I have jo family here. I havent workd the past 2yrs being a stay at home mom. He provides for us. Its his house. Everythng is his. Im scared its only going to get worse..im scared for my babys we have animals hes starting to yell at and get very mean with.. im starting to feel crazy and depressed .. lost any help out there.

4:21 AM  

My husband has terrorized me and my kids.... He tries comitng suicide when I say I want a divorce. I have no one to reach out to. What's worse is his mother says he is my problem now but gets mad when u call the cops. He manipulates me so well but when u start to question him and his actions he plays such good mind games he makes me feel like a fool and paranoid.... I have tried getting away but not successfully. I don't know what to do anymore.

11:07 PM  

Listen to your gut feeling

11:45 AM  

Iam gave been in a relationship for almost 2years wuth a man who is just about everything on this list. He is very jealous, controlling, verbally, and physical abusive.i get accused of everything from lying to cheating. But i find It so hard to leave him because i love him and uve learned alot from him.

4:58 AM  

My ex displayed 24 out of the 28 and I am still in love with him. Its been 1.5 months since he abused me pretty harshly and we split for good. I just don't know how to ever expect my fears and trust towards men to ever mend.

4:13 PM  

I married a jerk even after seeing all the red flags. It is all my fault. Now he is unemployed living off of me. I have higher education, no debt (I paid part of his debt, furnished the house and the list goes on and on). He puts me down in front of his friends. Can't wait to get a job in a different town and serve him with the divorce papers!!!!

7:14 PM  

My husband has 5 of these I have been with him 6 years and i'm DONE!

2:02 AM  

My live in boyfriend ( we were friends first for a yr ) lost tuch found each other started to date then boom living together. It was love at first sight but I never thought in my mind that this man I love was abuser. After awhile w/arugments&physical fights&talking w/friends&fam that he just was a narsatist ( how ever you spell that crazy word) but as time went on&stumbling across this I'm starting to feel this is him abuser the man I love "yes I'm still confussed" I want to leave I'm scared I want to talk more about it I'm scared he got such a great hold on me that even typing this scares me I dnt really no how to remove myself I don't wk and can't get a job I'm stuck and Im starting to think he likes that all the while I'm thinking just be the best gf he ever had now i look in the mirror and dnt no who the girl is I'm lost please help I'm tired of fallig asleep crying hoping that the deamons in him won't bother me tmw since its a beganing of a new day I'm a good girl and he is brain washing me and after being a military chold you grow to just be obedient help me!!!

10:26 PM  

I will pray for you, please be strong and have faith

10:40 PM  

My dad put porn magazines and movies under my bed when I was 8. Me and my sister shared a room but had different beds. I found the porn one day and experimented with it. I really didn't know it was wrong. But it made me have a sexual interest very early in life. And there was other incidents when I started my period at 12 my dad beat my mom telling her to make it go away. And he would tell me I was allowed to lie naked in our front yard to tan and buy me very reveiling clothing. He always controlled what I ate, wore, listened to, watched and who I talked to till I was 17. When I was 16 I was at his house with him and his girlfriend when all of a sudden he started undressing when he got to his underwear his girlfriend asked him what he was doing and he acted like he didn't know I was there, even though he was looking at me the whole time. I have sexual problems to this day. And all I want to know is if this man abused me. I have no memory of my childhood before age 6. Plz someone help me

2:28 AM  

I'm headed that way...I'm scared of him...he's crazy

2:14 PM  

You need to get out of there before he seriously hurts you or the baby.

9:21 PM  

I remember describing my now recently expartner and father of my young son as a 'jeckel and hyde' and realise he had almost all of these traits. I am now happy and safe with my son living my home country after a final episode when everyone told me I was not allowed to return. Best thing I ever did was listen. Me and my child are very happy now. I have recently found out he got straight into another relationship after getting in touch to say he was sorry but had stolen my personal documents as he was 'angry.' police involvement got them back but he evidently just went with the first woman he seen - she looks very old for him. Hopefully she gets out before he turns on her too.

3:13 AM  

I think it's time you read more of this blog because I've made it very clear women can be abusers too.

Because 75% of victims are female and 25% are male most writers, like the one who wrote this article - writes in the male. Be smart enough to know these apply to female abusers too.

12:10 AM  

Wow. I wad having another melt down day yesterday. I am divorcing after a 21 year marriage of 21/28 of these items. He performs well in public eye and destroys me and our two sons at home and some public places too. He has become more daring lately. I made him move out end of april/ may 1. I have a 17 and 11 year old. Right now 11 year old sooooo angry with me because I want a divorce and made dad leave. I have always been the mama bear and did all pre k and homework, emotional support, positive ec en when dying of hurt and heartache on the inside. Daddy is God right now and I'm treated horrific by him right now. I see very similar behaviors coming out in him and scares me to death. Please help!!!!!

1:11 PM  

Well, I have to say I have gone through so many of these it almost seems like all of them in my short 4 years of marriage. I'm also a childhood survivor of pretty much most of them as well including sexual abuse.. Everything I do is wrong including taking care of my kids. I'm a stay at home mother of two and he military. When he gets off work he goes straight to hunting now 4 days a week including all day on Saturday. Spending really no quality time with them and only home when they are awake maybe 14 hours out of the week. Demands me to get a job..I have applied everywhere with no success..he spends money like leaves falling off the trees right now while I sit at home and spend none. Blames me for not having any and then always tries to buy a new vehicle or something. I'm fearful of where my children and I would go of we divorced.. I just lost my mom two months ago and my dad when I was only 8 months old.. I do not have anywhere to go but to his moms..noted he and I aren't from the same states.When my mom died and we were getting her things to move them he got mad at me and starting chewing me out and cursing me because I didn't thank him for helping. I admit I didn't but at that time I just lost my mom..and I was bery emotional and head of the estate with so much on my shoulders... he tried making it about him.. idk.. list could go on and on.. when he goes around our son or the dog the both hunker down like they are fearful. I know I should take my kids and go but what do you do when you have no place to go and have no job. Can't get one because it has to work with his schedule. Sorry for the vent..I have limited sources for support and trying to hold strong... he also tells me all the time he is going to divorce and take the kids. Sorry.. could go on all day..

6:12 AM  

Time to get out.. you have two babies and yourself you need to protect and keep safe. He most likely wont stop and will only get worse. Also you do not want him to begin to be like this with your little ones!! Praying for you!!

6:28 AM  

My husband is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. He has gone through all my personal finances, so that I am financially crippled. Any time I challenge him he blows up and threatens to have me committed--even though he's the one who hits and not just with his hands, objects--then he says it is my fault. He has separated me from my family with lies.I feel I can never escape with my children, he threatens to take them even though he is mean. Since I am disabeled he says I am too stupid and ugly to ever survive without him. A lawyer said since I comingeled my assets to keep the family afloat, I can never recover my funds, and cannot afford to leave. I feel hopeless.

1:29 AM  

I have been married 3times,my x-husbands have shown almost all the abusiv traits listed above.
I met my 1st husband in uni days,he wud do all my domestic chores as an admirer,b4 I knew it we were living together,in 6months we got married bcos he rushed me & loved him,wen I got pregnant,my hormones changed,he stopped wit helpin wit domestic chores,told me how ugly I was bcoming,he abused me verbally,and sexually,we had sex over 20times a day without any affection or foreplay,he beat me in public and tore my top,my boobs will pop out and he'll start mocking me,after our 1st baby I left him.
2nd husband was an angel,1yr after he grew wild,now I know I'm pretty,but faithful. He was so insecure,I had no communication wit d outside world,he sent my baby to his mom's so he cud abuse me as he wished. I didn't hav friends or family ties at all,he'll come home late daily from work & was always drunk & drugged up,he never opened d door himsef,he enforced a law that I must b d one to open door wen he's bak from work,he refused to ever use his spare keys,once I open d door,he pushes me down n puts his d**k forcefully in my mouth,slaps me around for not opening d door early,etc. When I'm cooking,he says I'm too slow n beats me up with sticks and throws things at me,once I try to run,he holds me down(he was 6ft 8,weighed 130kg),and has sex with me right there against my will. Sex wit him bcame like slavery,not d sweet romanc I knew b4. When he had guests,he'll make me walk around without underwears and transparent cloths,he sends me errands so I can walk around & bounce my boobs,then he'll scream at me y am I not well dressed,sends me to d bedrm & grabs me against my will,bites & pinches me,givin me obvious scars,and most times he forces d sex,he makes me scream so his pals hear,I'm humiliated,but I scream bcos he's punching & hurting me very hard during sex. I left him 6yrs after.
I fell in luv again with my boss,it started out as an office romantic affair,it transformed into a relationship,I was his secretary. We got married & topped work,I got pregnant quickly & had a baby & he changed,he was a 4th time divorcee,he'll lock me in & saymust b home as a mother,shut me off d world again,we had only sex,no relationship,we got a maid whom he was also sleeping wit,I don't know how she agreed to that,I found he's havin an affair wit his new secretary,always callin to monitor her after work in front of me,if I ask him y he's doing dat,he'll coil up to me,cuddle me,pretend like he's abt to explain nicely,d next tin I get is me pinned down,and lots of blows,bites and slaps from my husband,and then forced sex,even anal which I never had or wanted,he forced me,I bled a lot of times,he got me pregnant 4more times,every year was a baby,he said he liked my body more wen am pregnant & I'd keep havin babies till he says stop,he owns me,he's my god,I'm worthless & wil never b loved by another man apart frm him,he abused me,was going insane,our kids never knew this,I'm glad they didn't,but soon they found out. I honestly love this man,I have grown to like this treatment,I can't leave him,but I do not like d way he makes me feel less,I know he loves me,we live in a nice house,and he takes care of me after each beating he gives me. We're going to barbados for xmas hols,can I run away from him then?what about my kids?I have no money to care for them and they kind of love their father,he's a great dad,but I think I am getting accustomed to emotional and sexual abuse. It is not right,but I can't help it. Every night I yearn for d sex,but I don't want d violence that comes with d rigid sex,I wish he'll just stop d drug use and b my normal boss sir again. Some1 pls help,I can't leave him,he owns me. But I want to leave

5:45 PM  

I'm 4 months pregnant with a 7 month old baby. I used to flirt around in the past but changed and all I do is take care of my baby all day and all night. One day we will be fine and with the blink of an eye he flips and starts putting me down and telling me how all he does is use me for sex and that I'm so ugly and will ocasionally hit me. I love him so much and want to be a family. I just feel stuck.

11:25 AM  

I'm in an abusive relationship with my GF (we both females) I don't know what to do. .. she has said many times that she wants to kill me and that it's my fault and its always accusing me of cheating..I told her to leave and when she did, was telling me she had no place to go so I felt bad and let her in but now I'm scare

8:12 PM  

I recently left my controlling, abusive husband. We were married for 9 years and the last 4 he has become very aggressive verbally and wants me to have sex with other men. It started out as "pillow talk" and fantasy while having sex. One night he picked out my clothes and said I needed to go screw someone and come back to screw him. I didn't agree for along time, then I gave in. He never wanted to have sex with anyone, just wanted me to. As soon as I gave in , he becoming increasing jealous. Every minute of my day was questioned, every place I went was questioned. He would say nasty things to me and just try to destroy my self esteem, which was pretty much nonexistent .
I made a plan, to leave. I enrolled in the police academy and in 10 months I had a career that I could support my 2 children. I graduated , and found out I had breast cancer. I had bilateral mastectomy with total reconstruction, and 1 year ago this month I am cancer free. While healing from breast cancer survey #2 , he wanted me to go out and have sex. I said absolutely no! I was done with that. I asked him to leave in June until I found a suitable place to live with my kids? I got a job and found a little 2 bedroom house, I sleep on the couch. but I would sleep on the floor just to not have to live with him!
I am in counseling for myself. I now stand my ground with him, I've told him he will not control me again. He acts like we lived in 2 different relationships. We went to counseling together a few times and he warned me NOt to discuss his sexual perversion. So why go??
My goal in my career is to work with women and girls recognize abuse and find their voice and strength . Thanks for listening ladies, it's so good to not live with shame and disappointment in myself. stay strong!

9:28 PM  

I recently left my controlling, abusive husband. We were married for 9 years and the last 4 he has become very aggressive verbally and wants me to have sex with other men. It started out as "pillow talk" and fantasy while having sex. One night he picked out my clothes and said I needed to go screw someone and come back to screw him. I didn't agree for along time, then I gave in. He never wanted to have sex with anyone, just wanted me to. As soon as I gave in , he becoming increasing jealous. Every minute of my day was questioned, every place I went was questioned. He would say nasty things to me and just try to destroy my self esteem, which was pretty much nonexistent .
I made a plan, to leave. I enrolled in the police academy and in 10 months I had a career that I could support my 2 children. I graduated , and found out I had breast cancer. I had bilateral mastectomy with total reconstruction, and 1 year ago this month I am cancer free. While healing from breast cancer survey #2 , he wanted me to go out and have sex. I said absolutely no! I was done with that. I asked him to leave in June until I found a suitable place to live with my kids? I got a job and found a little 2 bedroom house, I sleep on the couch. but I would sleep on the floor just to not have to live with him!
I am in counseling for myself. I now stand my ground with him, I've told him he will not control me again. He acts like we lived in 2 different relationships. We went to counseling together a few times and he warned me NOt to discuss his sexual perversion. So why go??
My goal in my career is to work with women and girls recognize abuse and find their voice and strength . Thanks for listening ladies, it's so good to not live with shame and disappointment in myself. stay strong!

9:31 PM  

I know how you feel trust me girl...your not alone i also had a simliar situation.. .to yours stay strong for your kid's. And get a restraining. Order. .take him to. Court if he want to see his kids let them haddle it...and dont talk or text him stay. Away ...i hope my advice helps a lil��

3:03 PM  

A lot of these traits apply but I dont believe he will abuse me

2:40 AM  

I love my boyfriend too but I happen to love myself more. He is abusive to me..that's why I am leaving him. He doesn't know yet and I not telling him. He will come home from work soon and I'll be gone...and I can't waitto get the hell out!

5:23 PM  

My boyfriend checks into almost everything. its hard because we've been together for so long and i love him but he says he gets happy from hitting me especially infront of other people, he says he does it because he loves me and cares about me. Yesterday we went out on a date and we were walking on the road and i said i wanted to go back to the car because i was cold and only wearing a dress that he had me put on and he said no let's walk for a bit and i tried to pull away and he smacked me infront of so much traffic then pulled the hair out of my face and kissed me and said im sorry sweetheart i love you. And i didn't know what to do i just felt embarrassed and confused i just walked back to the car and he came with me and held my hand as i held back tears.

11:46 AM  

No what? I have 3 kids and no way out!

6:35 PM  

I love my husband but he is convinced that he is right and talks down to me I have 2 black eyes and he blame s me for my attitude when I'm simply standing up to his name calling I'm devastated we have a baby and I just want him to be normal but I'm going round a roundabout of abuse

9:33 AM  

Hi im 16 weeks pregnant and my partner treats me very badly, we have been together for 5 years on & off its always been abusive, not so much physically now that im pregnant but the emotional & mental abuse is very bad i cry all the time and feel so down i wish i had the courage to walk away

2:14 PM  

It's sad to see there are so many people in abusive relationships. Thanks for the tips.

6:14 AM  

My partner of about 15 months is about 23 of these.

I need to get out of this relationship! I've tried so many times but he hides my car keys...

4:35 AM  

Thank you. I was just going to post this! Read the whole blog people.

11:04 PM  

As a female... I disagree. You clearly have forgotten that the only reason it seems men do it more, is the fact that men unfortunately feel too ashamed to report to the police that their female partner is abusing them. Statistics, from crimes, are based upon reports made. Common sense alone would remind you that statistics cannot be based on things that are unknown. And you only know something, if you're told it...

12:07 PM  

My car is in the shop so my husband has been letting me use his truck to go to work and his boss picks him up but today he ended up having the day off. When I got home he was angry at me and he was in the pool with our daughter and he started calling me names and splashed me in my business clothes I was soaked. He then changed and went out for a couple hours when he got home he was still being nasty so I told him to go we were in the drive way he said to get out of his face so I started to back up and he grabbed my hands twisting my fingers trying to break them I pulled away and he kicked men in the stomach I said dont im trying to walk away then he kicked my legs out from underneath me and no fell down he punched me in the head leaving a lump over my eye i never real. Bruise he then stomped on my leg and spit in my face I was trying to crawl into the garage i got into the house and locked the doors my daughter was in there with my son im glad she didnt see anything I pay for everything except his truck payment I mean all the bills I pay I am educated and cant believe I have allowed myself to suffer like this we had 2.5 years when he didnt beat me he was sober and we could argue or debate without violence but not anymore he has low self esteem even though he is very good looking and funny no one would ever believe the monster he can be except the ex girlfriends he beat but they are all still in love with him its crazy. I dont my daughter to marry someone like him I hope he leaves me soon

10:04 PM  

My partner has 20 of this. I have 3 small kids under 3. When he is drunk he threatens to kill me or choose me or my kids that was last night. He is so abusive phusically and mentally.i want to get out no where to go. Ive got no jobs as ive just given birth

7:29 PM  

I'm 20 with 3 kids... my fiance fits all of them above. If I try to leave he trys to kill himself or gets really sick and end up in the hospital and threaten to take the kids away from me and put me on child support

11:02 AM  

How can i get out i am scard for my life help me god help me

9:32 PM  

I have already commented but it is not here.
Same guy nearly 30 years. Impotence since last century. I would never cheat as I love him. Yet I have only now figured out I have been not only used but mentally
& physically abused. I am very ill so this is clear passage for verbal & roughing me about. I have't the strength to fight this.
I have no confidence & am demoralized.
I still smile & keep up appearances but I am dead inside because of the continual put downs. I was sympathetic about the impotence but now being blamed I am over it. I just want to live on am island & die peacefully. Problem. I can't go anywhere without the third degree & phone calls checking up. Twenty years older. Stupid me. Now I will have to deal with a controlling invalid with memory loss. More probably I will go first I hope
Love never let it pass you. X

12:09 PM  

This is an excellent website for abusive relationships.
Kudo's

The list is a very good tool.

I have been though them with my ex.

The top one was sulking, if a man sulks be aware he is not hurt, not sad, he is steaming mad.

They creep in on you these abusers, it's subtle at first.
You always must be aware of these red flags when dating. You must also follow your gut and then have a long inner talk to find out why you gravitate towards these people. Than stop.

5:49 PM  

What are my rights by law when a spouse is doing things like hiding the car keys.disconnecting re cable/wifi box or changing password so I can't use

12:27 PM  

My husband beat me till I went with him to sign the marriage papers I left him so many times an he finds ways to get a hold of me an talk me back to bein with him he puts me down all the time sayin every other woman is better than me I have 2 children by him he saids I have no ass im fat he gets my son to hit me puts me down to our kids he used to rape me now he dont no more he does get mad though he chocked me put a knife up to my neck before he punches me alot an will try to break my jaw hes punched me so hard in my face I don't remember fallin on the ground he loves to call dcf falsely on me an lie I have no one u feel so alone

7:52 PM  

My wife threatens to cheat on me, and we fight a lot. I don't know what to do we are both abusive scoring to this list

9:03 AM  

I been with this guy for 8 months he has pulled my hair, force me to have sex a couple of times, he grabbed my neck once im scared of him i know i have to leave him alone .

10:28 PM  

I feel like I'm an abuser. I'm a female. I have a serious mental illness battleing depression and anxiety for a very long time. Living with a verbally abusive father my childhood life. And now having a phobia of men kidnapping me. And I'm seeing a physchologist every week to help me become a better individual towards my partner. He has given me the world and deserves love and compassion. Sometimes I wish he would leave me for all the hurtful things I have said and done. I've told him he would have a better life without me. I have attempted suicide for my family to be without me putting pain in the world. I hope working, finding new hobbies and seeing this dr. Help. I am sorry people like me exist in the shadows. No one deserves to be abused.

3:13 AM  

My wife meets every one of these criteria. Literally every single one, not just the top level one's but virtually all of the bullets underneath to. She says that I deserve it but when I ask why she always says "for being a jerk" or something like that; it's almost never anything specific and when it is it's ridiculous (ex: for turning off the Internet connection for a few minutes). She's broken my face, busted up my things, and even broken a few things on top of me. She made me give my well behaved dog away because she said "only a faggot would have a dog like that" (little dog, but nice). Our sex life is her waking me up in the middle of the night, drunk, which I don't mind so much though I'd prefer to be more awake and worry she'll turn violent during or after. Not sure what to say except that I don't think they need to modify this list except to make it gender neutral: there's a lot of men in my position apparently -- more women I think but still many, many men -- and the implicit assumption that it's only men is enabling a large number of abusers, hurting families, and keeping plenty of abusive woman from getting help which leaves them in a bad place.

3:19 AM  

My boyfriend is like this, he makes me feel so sorry for him because I am a empathetic person, he likes to do the blame game. I want to split so he can work on himself because we're about to have a baby and I don't want him trying to work his shit out around our baby. I just know he's going to get mean and violent and make it very very difficult to leave/move out, he'll act resentful and mean and pretty much treat me like shit. And I have so much I'm dealing with work/money wise. I hate people in our business but I feel like I'm going to go there just so I don't have to put up with a bunch of crap. I'm at the end of ny ropes, he drinks around the house when I tell him I don't want alcohol around our baby, he'll sneak it and lie. I wish he could just grow up and have some self pride. Sigh

4:50 PM  

I just counted 37. Yes. Thirty seven. But he doesn't hit me. That's why I've had to walk away from so many people who continue to blame the victim (me) and support him. I'm getting professional help x 3 agencies currently. I have a plan. I'm still living with him. But he's "cured", right? Only because the cat got outta the bag and I started telling anyone who would listen what he was doing to me. He's on his best behaviour because people are watching him. Sadly though..He's still manipulative and convincing so many that I'm the problem.

9:03 AM  

Realy this article is very helpful to realize your actual position in merriage life and know the truth.

1:01 PM  

My boyfriend is controlling the only reason why I'm staying is because I'm pregnant. I honestly cant do this no more .. I can't shower alone or be in the bathroom alone while I try do my hair. Can't wear nice clothing .. I feel so trapped that I feel like running away from this relationship. Counseling would not help this relationship at all. His mom even tried to talk to him several time but he's peere selfish.

2:01 AM  

My father has displayed 11/28 of these. Sometimes I love him to pieces, but he is SUPER strict, and doesn't like it when I go on my phone or do anything for fun. He demands I always study and whenever I disagree with him he threatens to punch my face and he starts to curse at me. It gets tiring.

1:11 PM  

i am married but am not with him i have a boyfriend who i love so very much but everytime i talk to my husband who i do not want to be with he gets angry he starts calling me a two dollar whore tells me he doesnt care what i do tells to go out and suck you know what and tells me he dont want me i love him very deeply i dont want to lose him but when he isnt mad at me he loves me my friend says he doesnt love me because of the things he says to me

2:25 AM  

This sounds exactly like the start of my relationship that ended about 2 and a half weeks ago. He is going to court next week for assaulting me. It wasn't the first time. This article sums up his behavior over time but he prided himself on being a "gentleman". He choked me to the point I couldn't breathe and slammed me up against a wall as well as damaged my home and car. He then blamed me and said he barely touched me. That's how it ended - run.

1:26 AM  

My bf fits a lot of these we have a child together so it makes it hard to leave him. We have been fighting for the past five months we get into arguments quite a few turn violent. He calls me terrible names. He's pushed me a lot he picked up my sons toy ATV while I was on the floor cleaning a drink he threw at me he acted like he was going to throw it on me,and he's thrown Keyes at me which hit me hard and made me bleed, one time we were arguing he put his hand on my throat(scared the hell out of me) he's thrown drinks on me twice and just today he threw a dresser drawer at me thank god it missed me, made a huge hole in my wall though. We live together so if I leave I have no where to go. When we aren't fighting every thing is amazing he's a good dad I'd hate to separate the family. I really do love him but this is crazy. Any advice? Plz no rude comments.

3:30 PM  

I have a child two years old in October we aren't married. We've been together a few years but the past five months have been hell and I don't know if I should leave. Like I said we have a child together and I don't want to separate the family. We've been in numerous arguments. Some turn violent iv been pushed, he put his hand on my throat (which scared the hell out of me,) he took my Keyes by sitting on me in the car and digging his elbow into my chest iv gotten marks and scratches he threw a keychain and made me bleed just today he threw a dresser drawer at me thank god it missed me, it put a huge hole in my Wall. He calls me bitch and terrible names when we fight. I stay at home to take care of our son and go to school at night its getting kinda hard to deal with everything. Its very hard to leave because when we don't fight everything is perfect and if i leave i have nowhere to go.I really love him but I just don't know. Any advice ? Plz nothing rude.

3:58 PM  

The first thing my husband did to abuse me was keeping me away from family and friends. ESPECIALLY male friends. I couldt have calls or texts after he got home, even from HIS mother. Then he shattered my face when he beat me the night we burried my best friend. I had a broken face for months. He shattered my wrist, and beat a baby out of me. Finally I got him out. Now he wants to come home after 8 months of cheating. I'll be dead before a year is over if I do. Sad thing is??I still love him

10:02 PM  

That man is an absolute PIG. An ABSOLUTELY SCARY PIG. Please find counseling. There is no shame to you at all. Love is NOT sex, sex is NOT love. It's an act of love, with your partner. That's someone who has hurt you permanently. Best of wishes, honey. I pray for you

10:07 PM  

they all suck I just think they not change never so you need to stop and take the chance to start fresh and leave him is better than saying i think he cheats help me and what can I do all that you need to change and say I am better then you my children don't need to see that and be one day like him give your children a better live don't be selfish and think you always will be alone without a partner a good partner isn't true you find a decent person that knows how to be with you and your kids. I am just really done I will leave him and he dont even know when the bomb drop on his selvish crap. Sorry I don't believe that a man pass 20 will ever change ...they need to loose you for good I have been in and out with him because he said he change he did not he is worse then before he now is really manipulating the situation and I will stop this crap so should you don't let them be in control... Love ya all and hope God will give you plenty to hold on to pull true and to make it he will he always will ..
Adam&Eve

8:24 AM  

My bf told me he is best friends with this party girl 15 years younger than him. He said they had sex once then a week later told me they only fooled around. He also had naked pictures of his x g/f that he swears he forgot he had. If I confront him about lying, he screams at me and his eyes turn black. What do I do?

10:13 PM  

Yep, I just got strangled by him for the first time -- both hands around my neck for about 5 seconds. I wish, on a daily basis, that karma would strike him dead! He was upset I wouldn't give him oral "pleasure" and said that men have needs and get upset when they are not met. I am pretty sure he's actually CRAZY! Unemployed, I bring in the money, yet he won't respect me and tells me my job sucks, and told me I probably COULD find a new man if I had a bag over my head. Real nice.

12:23 AM  

Hope you filed a POLICE REPORT on him for strangling you. Do it before he kills you.

7:16 AM  

I dated a man who was verbally physically and emotionally abusive he was a bleeding lunatic.

11:28 PM  

So. My. Baby dad came down stairs and smackk me ,in the face then he got a attitude cuz I smacked him back and he jumped up like mr get bad talkin bout. I a smack the shit. Outa u and u no I will . I said u ain't gone smack shit

6:44 PM  

his article is brought to light one or two of the behaviors that I'm guilty of which I am committed to rectifying it I do appreciate it knowledge of such things is all that's necessary I have a girl I love very much that exhibits many more the behaviors that I was not aware of hiding keys at mail etcetera etcetera I'm not afraid of any physical harm but I am afraid because of the constant accusations of me cheating and constant hiding of my things controlling issues manipulating time when I'm latepushing my buttonsand I mean pushing my buttonsI've never entertained thoughts of physical aggression towards females its just not in me to do it shocking that I have them and I am shamed of them but she won't let me leave I'm trying to leave when I have my feel that fire building inside me and it's almost as if she wants me to be like the other garbage bag she dated and put up with is that logical as a matter of course I beat the hell out of abusive men when I encounter it I'm not proud of that I've done a little bit of small time for it and I ain't changing itthere have been times when I've gotten the beat down myself a time or two until I get a bead on his weak spotit is something that I will not abide and cannot be made of ID I just would like to know if you females can give me any insight and do anything that I can say or do other than the changes mentioned above and I must make those things like you want a fresh one or the next one flies on its own I thought I was just playful but I see that perhaps I'm reinforcing old fears I love the girl she's a good'n and any sacred knowledge you children of the moon can impartwill be warmly welcomed my ego is not involved because my heart is in charge of this one

4:15 AM  

My goodness, you are lucky to be alive. From my own experience, it is very hard to just up and wall away when you have kids.i did find the strength and like you, I'm fortunate to be alive. I noticed my boys were trading their sisters like daddy treated mommy. Worse, I noticed my girls being submissive like me and taking the abuse. I filed for divorce. 3 weeks after having him served with the divorce papers and an order of protection, he showed up and held a gun to my face in front of our children. That was the last straw. I had gone out as well and gotten a gun. I pulled my from the small of my backand held it up towards him. I also had my phone in the other hand and had contacted the police. By showing my children that it is OK to defend yourself, I also showed him he no longer had the power to scare me anymore. Good luck, prayers go out to you. Find strength in the love you have for your children.

5:01 AM  

I'm proud of you ladies. After 17 years and the only person I had ever been with through adolescence and adulthood, I said enough. I posted above, just wanted to let you know that there are genuine people out here that care for your well being.

5:05 AM  

I just went to court today, my. boyfriend assaulted me, punched my head & elbowed me in the face, judge said there wasn't much evidence so he got away with it...I'm disgusted that he got away with it. did I mention, he has choked me. cut up my clothes, punched me in the nose,mouth, Ohh & has tried to choke my son in the past to. Fuck the justice system. I can't sleep, justice wasn't served.

10:32 AM  

Go to a domestic violence or women's Shelter. They will help you with anything you need. If this is not possible go to the police station. They will also help you with whatever you need. You could go to a church. Most will at least be able to help you for a few days and send you in the right direction. There are many options. Know that you aren't alone. You just have to find the people who will help. But u must leave. Today. Or he will surely kill you. It never gets better. It always escalates. He does not view you as an autonomous human being, and that is a very dangerous mentality in a violent person. He put your very delicate, growing baby at risk. Repeatedly. Not to mention, he or put your life at risk too. Leave. Today. Don't even bother packing your stuff. Just go. Good luck and God bless.

1:08 PM  

Hi just read your post I'm so.pleased you had the strength to get away from
Your abusive x
And you have been through so much you are a strong lady!
I have just gotten.out of a relationship with a guy I knew for 12 years, I loved him so much but he used my sense of trust and love to serially and emotionally abuse me I used to say to him I don't want see outside and I dint want to wear see threw clothes and I used to say I just want to wear clothes I feel comfortable in and also I was pestered to have set with other people and I said I didn't want to but he was a set addict and all he would say is its just fun I love you but now I know he is a psychopath and doesn't have real feelings he mentally manipulated me into doing things and at the time I knew they were wrong but I loved him so much, and every time I tried to leave him he started with the suicide threats and how he couldn't live without me he's very manipulative and when we were out with friends he acted like a totally different person it was so strange and I found it so confusing I'm just so glad I got away from him and I have met a normal caring loving guy who treats me like a princess and when we go out the whole night isn't based on what he wants me to wear it's just normal and he doesn't care what I'm wearing he just loves me whatever

12:24 PM  

Thank you very much for this article. How sad that so many felt the need to express that women fit this profile too when it is very clear directly at the end. I have been with the man of my dreams and silently suffering his narcississtic behavior for five yrs. I am done. He fit every last one of these points & I have been busting my ass to save us both, turning into a basket case in the process as he calls me whore every time I get a phone call or text. Sucks up my resources and screams at me about being selfish. I cannot afford him. I have become suicidal as he runs roughshod all over every aspect of me and my life. Thank God we have no children! I've left him for good this time. I am no longer tempted to list the bruises and permanent scars I have collected in loving him. Yes love is long suffering...it does not hurt you!!!

10:23 PM  

My bf is a great guy but he happens to think that he can have sex with me anytime he wants to. I tell him no or later but he just continues to do sexual stuff to me and he will have sex with me no matterwhat i say or do. I just cry quietly or write about it in my journal.But he does say i love u during or after so he's not trying to hurt me he just wants to make love. I have no idea what to do.

12:23 PM  

I am to the point where Im scared to death. Literally, just scared. I need help. Ive been manipulated into nothing and I recongnize it. I need to get out and I dont know how. Im scared for his children who have a neglectful and abusive mother. Im on my knees praying for a way to get out. Im so done. My children need me. I feel like a failure......

3:10 PM  

Im 20 years old and. My husband is 31 i never thought id be in this situation but he physically and emotionally abuses me. Just last night he choked me multiple times I really felt like I was going to die this time he always tries to make eye contact with me while he's choking me its like he enjoys it. if i start to cry he'll cover my airways and tell me to shut the f**k up, leaving is impossible he always finds me and brings me back with threats. I feel such hatred and resentment towards him just feeling his hands on me makes my blood boil and he knows. When I'm upset he purposely wants to be intimate. Like right after choking me and pulling my hair he'll rip my clothes off and if I try to resist he'll choke me until I almost pass out so that he could more easily rip them off. Then after everything is said and done he tells me I liked it. He tells me none of this would happen if I just acted right and didn't make him mad. Then this morning he comes up to me in the kitchen and asks "so are you going to ignore me and have attitude all day?" I HATE him!!!

5:23 PM  

Good for you!!! I am leaving my boyfriend too. he fit way more than two. I don't intend to tell him either will just move on.

11:02 AM  

my wife its at least 3 of this ones.. holy fuck

5:40 PM  

My birth family mom, uninvolved birth and step fathers; mother (who wa essentially mother and father) siblings all show these traits, thankfully not sexual to my knowledge as a child. Two marriages to abusive men. Labelled maker of poor choices can not find a job or counseling. Churches hold me at arms length and there is no suggestion of getting support via Bible Study. Got a hidden character flaw? I tend to bring out the worst in everybody. My remaining family is intelligent, violent and label everything I do or have done as a "poor choice". I don't abuse drugs, alcohol or smoke. I am a nice sweet person but inefficient and a slob. Local mental health told me since I have no one to vouch for me I am not only a target for abusers but they could commit me and I'd be a good easy source of labor and income. I have a mild case of cerebral palsy but can drive so United Cerebral Palsy will not take me as a client nor hire me as their receptionist. I don't want to be placed in a home health care position for room and board that has the potential to make me a prisoner or homeless at any time. I have NO background nor aptitude in this area and local career centers are sending me to process thrift shop donations to be around people and make friends and feel the pride of working hard for min wage and being tired at the end of the shift. that tells me they just want me to go away not make enough to pay my bills. My broken record family responds to me as if I'm crazy I make it a point to not explode at them but they feel they justifiably rant and rave at me as they state I have robbed them. My ex died years after leaving me his family says I sucked the life out of him and even after escape he heard my whiny voice when under stress and hit other women because of his hatred for me. My second husband rushed me into marriage is mentally ill and expressed his wish more than once to get me to a hillybilly house and imprison me under the porch. He lived there from 8-14 but has family roots there and is currently living in a converted garage and locks himself in when he hears voices. Suspected paranoid/schitzo but I am not stupid enough to keep in touch with him. He appeared to be a caring person who appeared to be genuinely interested in learning things and thought I was a nice person who deserved a break. I saw this as a second chance and took a chance but all it did was convince my family that I am a loser who can not survive without my mother to wipe my butt. I thought I took care of that at 2 or 3. I am not depressed, suicidal or violent. I am still nice. I am not believed when I tell the truth and have been cold shouldered by more than one church. Some have told me I will be homeless and they have nothing for a fruitless person. Some treat me in a businesslike manner but holidays are lonely I have no one to share my joys and fears with. But mostly I am ignored without a support system but the alternative of signing my independence away is not appropriate since I'd be grateful for a converted garage and extended but uncontrolling family like my ex 2nd husband has when he hears voices and gets in these scary modes that I hope to never see in anyone again.

10:53 AM  

I counted 17...

3:42 PM  

I've barely been married a year. My spouce never loved me. He tricked me into marrying him to have a baby. As soon I was 3 months in he changed everything ...he started hating on everything of mine. And made excuses to leave me and makes statements he will take the baby.he always used my car while I was pregnant. Constantly left me home alone without transportation. He makes racist jokes at me and tells me he only likes white women. He called me fat my entire pregnancy and moved his mother into the hous . Who literally just sits and does nothing except eat our food and steal from me. He is never around anymore and always with another woman yet insinuates I'm cheating . He sits and tells everyone he doesn't even know the baby is his. And that I'm a negligent yet smothering mother. He sat and described his future with him and the baby and always left me out when I was still carrying. Now that I'm no longer pregnant he always talks about taking the baby. And no matter what I do he gets mad. He won't ever touch me unless he is high as a kite. And lately he has been trying to force pregnancy on me even though we have a new born. He is abusive to our animals and just absolutely verbally horrible to my eldest kid hat isn't his. He is always telling me that he will "put me down" if I try to take the baby from him when I'm finally officially kicked out. He has guns and tells me how to kill people and how he would get rid of me if I pissed him off too bad.i'm so lost and hurt I don't know what to do. He used to be so sweet. Now he is sweet to some other woman. She cries he comes running.he calls me stupid and acts like i dont know what im doing when it comes to the baby. Even though quite literally he is never around the whole thing makes me sick. he almost always ignores me unless he wants something. I just don't exist most of the time. Hebsits and says he loves the baby and amulates feslingst at her. When I cry because I'm so depressed he is worried I'll hurt the baby but is not sympathetic towards me. Or shoves pot in my face to shut me up. I've never felt so unwanted and trapped in my life.

11:41 AM  

I wish he would of left me in 09 for the girl he claimed he wanted to be with.I thought after all the abuse I'd endured from my parents and one boyfriend I'd run.nope I stayed I almost killed myself.I'm miserable at work because they prey on me when I'm weak.I work hard to get belittled at work and home.I wish I was dead.He tells everyone I'm abusive to him.I always cry and feel lonely and a bit dead.The names I've heard from him are awful.He tried to break my neck once.Wtf is wrong with me? I had a wonderful coundsellor and we were working togeyher great.I was working on my self esteem to leave and she offered so much help.She got sick and retired and went down the rabbit hole again.I'm actually starting to hate men and their equality shit=punch us if they feel it is necesaary.I think I'm going to start looking into ending my life soon.I'm doing a DNR and he will be screwed for money if I die.Sad that my courage can only be musrterd by death.I get fired up to leave and then I'm believing his life failed because of me.This man I support doesn't have ID or a health card and has not had one since we met.Thats my fault."How can I concentrate with all your drama?" He phones mommy and tells her I'm yelling and acting crazy.He has terrorized me in the past.Screamed and broken my computer and TV when I did not react.wth? Is there a God out there.I begging for insight and courage.

11:53 PM  

What if I counted 4 to 5? How bad is that?

11:26 PM  

You think you love him but you don't when you look back you will realize that you didn't deserve to get your face shattered. No one should go through that. I was in two physical abuse relationship, and the second one almost killed me. Sad part after all that I eventually ended up with a verbal abuser and he was very manipulative. I decided to leave him and after staying by myself for awhile, I finally thought I met the love of my life and he has already hit me more than once. You see it's a pattern one I can't get out of. Just now he said he was going to break my face and go to jail with a big smile. Please don't do it. I'm afraid he is going to hurt me soon, so I have to find a way out. I will pray for you :(

12:00 AM  

I am wondering about the source for this information. The link no longer works. Can you post where this came from please? Thanks!

9:37 AM  

I have seen a man's eyes turn dead, like a viper. I could almost see the tongue flicking along with that viperous stare. It was I think, the most evil thing I have watched a person do. I am willing to bet there is no movie actor that could pull that one off. It makes my hair stand up just thinking about it. I was out of there very soon after that moment.

9:49 AM  

I need some advice on understanding my baby's father. I am lost why my baby's father does this. What's the purpose of it all ,and why he can't respect my wishes and come to an agreement? my baby father constantly sends mixed messages to me. it is so confusing and he is driving me nuts he is so sometimey. He wants us to do the family unit and live together and be together. However I can not do that with someone I do not trust. he tells me he loves me but then lie to me a lot cheat, on me a lot(feels no remorse and is arrogant like I'm going to stay with him no matter what). then he will set up dates then don't show up or even bother to call to cancel.and he barely helpme out with the baby and his excuse is always he's tired, he's been working, he's been trying to get the house together. one time I told him that we needed diapers he go to the store and only buys one. Like he contributed very little but always pro claiming that he is doing a lot. why would I would I move in with someone who obviously doesn't want to be with me nor do he love me. Why does he keeps making it difficult for me? he does not want to agree with me that we should just coparent. I keep telling him we don't need to be together to raise a child.I do not want to continue to be with someone like that or tolerate the disrespect, his lack of values for me and inconsiderate ways, and his pathological lying and infidelity.he is entirely too selfish for me and he doesn't even claim me so why is he pushing so hard for us to be in a relationship to raise a child when we can just coparent?and its obvious he does not want me I am confused by this behavior.why does he do this? I have told him time and time again that I do not desire to be with him because he does not make me happy and I feel that I can do better and that we should just coparent.I told him to give me his social security number or address so I can give it to child support office and he would not give me neither he kept talking about how we are moving together and that's it.what can I do to get him to see that it is officially over and I don't want to make or build a family unit with him?this is stressing me out because he is making it hard for me then it should be. He tries to give his bare minimum effort. I'm do not understand why he keep playing with my emotions and making it hard for me. I feel hopeless. I have never felt so worthless in my life...that is how he makes me feel. I have never felt so disregarded EVER like he disregards me. And I really wish he would leave me alone. I don't understand why he treats me the way
He do. Its funny because in the beginning he promised he would never hurt me. Help me figure this guy out!

1:43 AM  

Anonymous @ 1:43

WHY?

Power and control. read up on Narcissists.

Also join the ONE MOMS BATTLE Facebook group - they can help you as well
http://facebook.com/onemomsbattle

10:44 PM  

My boyfriend is Hispanic and he is very verbally abusive. I'm curious what ethnicities your boyfriends are?

12:50 AM  

Wow. My, now ex (Thank God), fiancé always would wait til my sleep meds kicked in n then have sex with me. He'd brag every time the next day, even in front of others! Then tell me I enjoyed it. How did I enjoy it if I was asleep?! Tried pressing charges just for the cops to say well, u have been with him sexually before so it's not rape. SMDH. I hate these cops. Protect n serve my butt!

4:16 AM  

I have the same problem my boyfriend was drunk last night got on top of me and says he "fake tried to rape me" when in reality he hurt me he twisted my arm and im in so much pain now. he calls me fat ugly no ass whore and tells me he cant wait to go fuck other girls and cant wait till he wins the lottery so he can leave me.worst part is his mom had him at 15 his dad was an alcoholic nd his mom left him when he was 5 his step dad beat him and all he does is mentally abuse me sometimes physically. he lives with me my parents and 12 yr old brotber now hes turnin my brother against me. i love his aunt that took him in and all his family there so lovely and nice im devastated always crying idk what to do :(

12:32 PM  

My boyfriend, after telling me how frustrated he gets that I day hello how was your day too quickly when he gets home from work, pushed me (as in walked behind me pushing me along) down the hall because he was angry at me and wanted to get me to stop talking. When I said "don't touch me and push me when we are in this state" he replied "fuck you" ... What do I make of this?

12:18 AM  

Me and my boyfriend been together for 5years and he is the same way he drinks and if I daycare wrong thing he will flip out this Saturday he was drinking with our neighbors which is know for the neighborhood girl that gets around . I told him it looks bad especially when I'm not home and he flipped out coursing screaming and grabbed me and yelling at me while I was holding my son I was scared that finally when he went back outside I grabbed my son and left next day when I came home he apologized but soon enough he did the same thing when he wasn't drinking .. I'm leaving I just need to find out what in doing financially because my kids are more important to me.

10:49 PM  

As a woman who lived thru an abusive situation and then married him, thinking it would get better...it WON'T! I escaped my abusive life and never looked back! Had to do it without him knowing... I had help n support and a plan.

Don't do the rebound thing either, been there too. I finally stayed single, always worked and raised my child alone. Things got good, calm, content. I was so stuck in that cycle, I actually believed I was stuck with that man! Not true.

I met a wonderful man many years later. We married and had another child and now, grandchildren! Life is good!

Make a list of 5 things you expect in a decent man (or woman), and stick to it.If they don't meet every requirement, break it off immediately...better yet, DON'T date if your kids are young. Don't let them move in! Only marry after your children turn 18 and are raised.!

Put them first.If they don't have stability, you are going to have a whole other set of problems later in life.

Be good to yourself!

6:34 PM  

I'm from Wisconsin moved to Texas no family or friends I was living with roommate. I met this guy that I thought to be unreal. He moved me into a apartment. Charged expensive furniture for the apartment.got me all kinds of charge cards. I thought he was perfect couple months later a started finding nasty pictures of other women in phone he was on so many nasty web sites. He never paid the bills for the credit cards now they are all cancelled. He never paid for the furniture.Bill collectors call everyday. He gets mad takes car from me. He says I don't need any friends but him.. He has physically hit me
Don't know what to do

5:00 AM  

My bf did the same to me. We finally spilt. The last straw was that he turned his abuse towards my daughter. Get out while you can.

11:31 AM  

I realized after an incident that happened last week, involving simple assault during a drunken stupor (not blaming the alcohol) that my behavior coincides with many statements on this list. Only a few existed in the first three years of my marrage, but the three months after my child was born, which is another three years later. I have been terrible. There were many thing that lead me to this place I am in,including problems my wife has herself, short example(calling me at school scarily pleading me to come home to the point I quit, halting my military benifeits, though I do see finally after the second time I quit that I was trying to fix what I couldnt and it was my choice to quit.)
I know that I have to focus on fixing myself, so many factors exist. I fear I am losing the woman I know I want to be with for the rest of my life. There is so much more to me, but now I put myself in a position were i fear (not know) the only people around my wife and child think I am the only cause of her pain. We both kept our families either out of the loop, or only in the loop because of positions we were in that we needed help. In turn resenting them. Someone please help me help myself. I took an alcohol evaluation, but was recomended mental health eval because the conclusion stated my drinking was mental health related. I am going to start therapy next week, but I have no contact with my wife and child. I do not feel sorry for myself though there are a lot of thing in my marriage that were wonderful so I am sorry to be seeing it go through this and fear the toll to be taken. I except that I am abussive and I am scarred of what I had become. I know I can change I want it. The past year for me it was as if I was in a pool my eyes and head foggy from the chlorine. I was ripped from out of the haze but I know I have a long road. Anyone willing to talk more in depth with me? There is a lot more I would like to unload. I am going crazy waiting for my therapy session. PS I wrote this on a small screen so I could be outside, so I apologize if it seems frantically written and there exists bad use of grammar.

8:59 PM  

My husband doesn't about half of these on here. Sadly, I'm a social worker and suppose to be helping others, when I can't help myself. He's always done little things like grab my arm, but last night was the first time he gave me a bruise. He shoved me against the wall and put his forearm on my throat leaving a bruise. I can't tell anyone and I feel so alone. I grew up with this and have worked so hard so to never be in this situation. I'm the main income and have a masters degree. I thought these things would protect me, but I was wrong. The hardest part is I truly love him. I'm just so ashamed and embarrassed.

1:43 AM  

I watched my X boyfriends blue eyes turn black ad he lay in my bed. I am certain that he was Satan.

8:14 AM  

I wondered that as well. Going through all that bull now. He stands behind the car too if I'm trying to leave and won't let me or keeps me pinned in a room. Hard to prove so how can we use any of these things to help get away from him legally?

10:08 PM  

My ex of 9 years had 24 of 28 of these.... it was like living a nightmare.

12:10 PM  

To the person that watched their ex partner's eyes turn black. This also happened w. my ex who matched 24 out of 28 of these signs. It happened twice in 9 years and it was probably the scariest thing I have ever witnessed. Both times it happened when he was raging against me, and I honestly thought he was going to kill me both times.

12:12 PM  

I'm 47 years old with four children. 20 years ago with my second child my husband punched me in the stomach. He ran around with other women at the same time. 8 years later we moved and he verbally abused me as well as physically abusing me with an army boot which he would hit me the head and back as well as punch me in the head when he would walk up behind me. He has since had numerous affairs. All these actions have been "my fault" because I didn't meet his emotional needs. I have had MS for the last 10 years and only hit me one time in the thigh. Don't know what to do. No abuse or affairs for the last 8 years and he has seemed to have changed. I can't seem to forgive him. Help.

2:13 AM  

You don't have to forgive him. What he did was UNFORGIVABLE.

Get to your local DV Center and ask to speak to an advocate. They can help you will resources like counseling. And help you leave.

http://domesticshelters.org

8:23 AM  

My partner has all of these traits,If I leave my daughter and I have no where to go, I escape this madness by going to work to try and forget not forgive though.

11:30 AM  

I'm very shameful to say and admitt I'm one of those woman. I hate my self for it I mean I got such a good husband and I beat,mistreat him, belittle him I tell him to leave cause I know I'm wrong but he refuses I believe that being abused at age 6 to 12 has alot to do with the person I became.. I felt worthless and humiliated and I just told my self I would replace that with hate and vengance. Ive come long ways and I'm tired of being such an ugly cold hearted person I fit many of the categorys listed above can some one recommend me help?? I truly love my husband and I want and need help he does not deserve to be treated like that when he was not the one who hurt me... Why can't I just let the past be the past and live happy.

10:13 AM  

Wow my boyfriend punched a hole in my bedroom door because i didnt want to open the door ...my 4yr old daughter witness this...this is not the first time he acts like this he also smashed his phone on the floor and punched his tv while we were arguing im leaving the first chance i get like when hes gone for the day.. cant take it anymore and i want my kids to grow up in a healthy environment even if its just me and my kids im done . but im not telling him anything am pretending everything is normal doing this for my safety and for my kids safety... He never hit me but just by the way he lashes out is enough

10:55 PM  

I'm an emotional person but also very determined and don't like to loose. But when I tell my husband he's done something that has hurt my feelings, like chucking my clean, folded washing on the floor that I hadn't got round to putting away, he causes me of attacking and verbally abusing him. These situations escalate into him physically covering my mouth to get me to shut up once I'm in a 'hesterical' state, which also blocks my nose so i get panicked that I can't breath this makes me react worse and he will push me out of bed and sometimes he'll restrain me if I try to get away from the argument. He says I need to learn to shut up when it's obvious he can't take it anymore. He claims I'm the abuser. Married for 12 years and the occurrences have lessoned. Will time make him better?

6:56 AM  

My boyfriend is kinda like this... just moments ago I got mad because he didn't bring something I asked him to bring but I didn't yell or get really angry, just told him to not forget next time and a tried to hug him and kiss but he grabbed me buy the wrist and pushed me away and screamed that I can't talk to him like that. I was scared, but I got more angry. He has always been very mean when he's angry. He tells me horrible stuff but they were words but today with that... I dont know what to do, weve been together for 2 years and I love him but I'm just really scared hes always going to be like this

5:37 PM  

My boyfriend has many of these traits... just a few hours ago he pushed me away and hurt me a little but I don't know if thats abuse... he has always been like this, very violent with his words but he has never hurt me. Now Im scared. We have been together for 2 years and I really do love him, Im just scared hes always going to be like this. I dont want to tell anybody because Im 17 and hes 21 so I dont want him to have legal problems because my parents would get mad... what should I do?

5:44 PM  

Okay so i never thought my husband was abusive because he is not physically its all emotionally and we have 3 kids and i don't know what to do anymore. Today i accidentally scratched our roomates car with ours barley i am a new driver i didn't want to drive but he kept pressures me to do so. I called him to tell him about the accident and he is completly flipping out on me. Does he have the right to be angry? It was a accident i completly understand that it is my fault but is it necessary to make me feel so low and ignorant? I just need some help. Thanks
-A

6:16 PM  

I had been with my boyfriend for 2 weeks and iv already moved in with him (not my choice) he choks and slaps me everyday so im covered in bruises and i have to smother my face in make up so noone sees. Im not allowed to leave the house unless im with him and hel drive everywhere. If i even glance at another guy he growls at me and tells me too look at him and he just stares in to my eyes with a serious face. Im 17 hes 19. He has bitten all over my body and he said 'your mine, iv marked you' all i can do all the time is sit in his house and watch tv until he comes home then i have to make dinner, iron his clothes or he gets mad. If something falls on the floor he grabs my hair and pushes me to the ground till i pick it up. I love him. So i cant leave him and it makes it complicated because he can be really cute and loving

12:30 PM  

All the points are perfect for my guy!!! Every darn point!! 4 bloody years of relationship...!!! WTF!!

9:09 PM  

My boyfriend pulls me to our room to talk in private when he's mad or upset with me and recuses to let me leave and pushes me back until he feels like the conversation should end..and he hits things or himself when he's angry..he's never hit me but recently hes hit the bed right next to me when I was sitting on it and it scared me..he's hit his sister a.d his mother in the past but he's never hit me ... what should I do?

6:42 AM  

Go asap to your local Domestic Violence Center and ask to speak to an advocate. They can help you with an exit plan and other resources.

http://domesticshelters.org

1:54 PM  

my husband has 23 of the 28 traits... yeah, scary... I just haven't left him cause I have no one else... people make it seem easier than what it is to pick up and leave... I've been in pain and came down with a cold and he doesn't care... I have fybromialgia, chronic neck and back pain and if I lay down or try to rest he will get mad and you don't want to know what happens after that... I've been hit and humiliated infront of people... he beat me up bad on our honeymoon... I don't have any close friends or family... I have to much pride to tell anyone what goes on in my life... I'm normally the strong person in my family so I don't say anything... my stomach is in knots just writing this but it's my life... just before my husband went to bed he called me a fatass cause I didn't want to give him my pain meds... I need them incase my pain is really bad... but who cares how I feel... so I just stay to myself and stay out of people's way... it sucks to live this way but it's my life... I know I'm stupid for staying but I dint have anyone else...

9:39 PM  

My husband and I have been living together for 2 and a half years. Within them we have had 8 huge arguments mostly over little things and each time he shouts at me, insults me, (idiot, animal names and evil) threatens to hit me if I don't stop talking and throws things at my way (cushions, plate with food). At the beginning when it all started I wasn't sure what to make of it. I'm 26 and he's 30. We've gone against family to be together and he's so dependent on me. We would always talk after and he'd apologise for his behaviour and blame himself and I would forgive him. Last night we had the same kind of argument. This time over the fact that he thought I hadn't done enough for his birthday. I told him to stop acting like a baby and that he should appreciate even the littlest things I could've done. He got mad, threw insults, threatened to hit me and threw his lunch at me. I finally had enough and stood up for myself and told him he was wrong to treat me that way and that I didn't want to live with him anymore. As soon as I said those things he began to cry uncontrollably begging for my forgiveness. He slept at a hotel that night and refuses to come home because he has failed us and threaten to kill himself. He says that he needs help, my help especially but I don't know what kind of help he needs other than go see a doctor/therapist. He's the first man I've ever been with and I love him but I see all the warning signs and I don't want to stay. Please give me some advice.

6:54 PM  

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 4 years and 7 months. We started dating in 6th grade and still dating now that I’m in 11th grade. Everything started out good he was the sweetest and everything you can think of. He moved schools in 8th grade he was far from where I lived he met new people and started liking this girl at his school and later on he had cheated I found out by her and later on by him and I cried but some how I ended up forgiving Him. I was so in love with him I felt like he would change.. I knew he was a flirt but I always felt like I would one day make him stop. 8th grade year was full of ups and downs he would break up with me and come back every time I would take him back. My sophomore year he was always the jealous type he would get jealous for everything. He would tell me not to talk to guy and would tell me what not to wear and what to wear. I couldn’t go “cute” to school because he wouldn’t allow it, even though he knew my way of dressing was how I liked to be but either way I listen. He doesn’t let me hang out with my friend and gets mad when my friends are lovey with me.. He had a cousin who had came out of jail and pressured him to do crack.. He did it for 2 months straight. Of course I didn’t find out until not so long ago his behavior started to change he became more violent. And it started by him just grabbing my arms really hard. He expects me to look him in the eyes when he gets mad. Don’t get me wrong he is the sweetest guy in the world he has gone through so much with the fact that his mom is always pushing him and his brother aside because of her new boy friend.. He had gone through a lot. He is the best except when he gets mad. He had slapped me the first time because he wanted to make me “understand” and because I was being “dumb” he has this really bad temper when he gets angry that he even hurts him self. When he gets jealous he try’s to choke me and says I’m only his and no one else’s he pulls my hair when slaps me when he gets mad he has only hit me 7 times but on days where he has been mad i don’t know what to do.. I feel so lost and helpless.. He feels guilty for what he does and says he can’t seem to control himself but that he try’s to. I’m the only person he has ever laid his hands on.. He crus and tells me he’s sorry. Sometimes I feel like he feels like I’m going to end up leaving him like his mom. But I truly do love him but I don’t know what to do. I have change my way of being due to the act that he hit me. I don’t show that I’m loving it caring anymore. I’m more serious and for some reason get annoyed by him at times I’m not sure if it’s because of what he did to me and everything he has put me through.. I don’t even know if I’m understand able but I don’t know what to do.. He says he’s really going to try to change because he doesn’t want to loose me and I’m so attached because I gave him all of me, everything I had.. And I do t understand why he gets this way when he knows I love him and always have.. And how he’s the sweetest but then the only thing bad is his behavior.. I need advice..

2:35 PM  

My fiance wanted me to get rid of something old that belonged to me, and i didnt want to. So he got mad at the fact that i did not listen to him, and i gave him an attitude. So he threw me on the bed aggressively pinched my skin hard and restrained me from getting up. (all in front of his sibling) he didnt want me to leave because i told him i was going to let my parents know. I told his mother and she asked me what did "i do" to him because she didnt raise him that way.It was a whole different side of him i saw, over something so simple. I have a feeling this is an eye opener and i should get out before it gets worst. He hasnt apologized nor said anything to me since. And as weird as it sounds, I'm starting to feel as if I'm wrong.

11:57 PM  

intense, and will not stop on their own.

ONE OR TWO of these traits is ENOUGH to consider him ABUSIVE!  (FYI these traits apply to FEMALE abusers too)

2:38 AM  

Run like he'll and don't look back.

2:48 AM  

On the other hand I would think that the 200lbs man could kill the pregnant 110 lbs female with a quick punch in the head or even a good push.... but not the other way around most of the time

2:53 AM  

He started it first, I answered back a few times. So is it my fault?

10:07 PM  

I have been with my baby's daddy for 1 yrs but have known him sense middle and at the beginning it was so wonderful and than after 3 months he tried controlling me and sense I would not allow it I tried leaving him and he promised me he wouldn't try doing it again well guess what happen he was ok for awhile than he got me pregnant and the abuse started he punched holes in the walls hit me with a metal bar on the side of my head said it was an accident and from there on I have tried to help him. So today we faught and put a knife on my throat and slammed me to the floor he hurt his eye while doing it and of course me being dummy he told me to take him to the doc and I was but once my kids where in the car. I waited and he did not want to go so he tried cutting himself and I told him I didn't want to leave because I have no where to go and it's too cold but he wanted to keep on hurting himself so I left and I'm deciding not to go back I have gone through so much also my 4 yr old and my baby that is almost 2 months.. And in making short but I have landed in the hospital over 3 times because of him and I Am tired of it.also the reason I said I tried helping him is because he has ADHD but that's no excuse now. Also I'm no Angel after he started the abuse for awhile I started talking shit to him and throwing and punching the walls but I was never like that so I feel so bad and confused now thinking it's my fault too.

11:42 PM  

I've been with my boyfriend for going on 5 years now. When we first met we had a couple dates it was nice I had fun. Then maybe less then 2 weeks into us hanging out he asked me to be Hus girlfriend. I said I'm not ready I just got out of a horrible relationship and I have an 11 month old. I can't so he's like okay and asked me a few more times and I finally said okay. I was so head over heals for him he's all I ever talked about. I would just wait and be so excited when he would call or text me. So things started getting had about a year into the relationship we moved into an apartment together and I find out he had/has a girlfriend this whole time we been together claiming oh I didn't know how to leave her blah blah blah!!!! Bs!! I had a feeling but I ignored it. Before we moved in together I got pregnant and he made me terminate it. Said he wasn't ready and we barley knew each other. Then almost 2 years later I get pregnant and have his baby. Well my whole my pregnancy I was being accused of cheating and being a nasty whore/slut any name you can think of! He belittled me made me feel like I was crazy and dumb for flipping out cuz I had a feeling he was doing something. A couple months after I gave birth it was my 21st birthday. I cheated on him and he caught me and beat the living hell out of me he dragged me out of the bar by my hair and hitting me all the way to the car.all the way home he kept bashing my face. We got home he dragged me again from the car into the house and now have a huge scar on my back to remind me of it. He started ripping my clothes off still hiring me I don't remember what he was saying I just kept dosing off I kept blacking out. I remember he threw me in the shower and I was laying on the floor he kept hutting me and hitting me he kept telling me to wake up and hut me to wake me up. I had to go to the er cuz I guess had a concussion and brushing on my brain. I kept it a secret told the hospital I got into a fight at the bar and got jumped by 3 girls. Till this day he tells me I deserved every bruise and punch I got I deserved it. Cuz I'm a whoreand a dirty slut. I'm scared of him he is now forcing me to have sex with him and tells me after he was just playing and that it was fun. I feel like he uses me and I'm his door mat. I do everything at home I clean, take care of my kids and make sure dinner is on the table when he gets home from work. He still tells me I'm ungreatful and a piece of shit. I have mental problems. He's now threatening me that if I leave he's going to take our son from me and tell the courts how much if an unfit mother I am and how I have mental issues that I need help. I don't know what to do I have got to angry from the things he says he is super mean and hurtful with his words and acts like a sorry I going to fix it. He's made me resent him to the point that I can't look at him and I don't want to do jack crap for him anymore. I can leave I want to leave but I'm scared of loosing my son. He's my world!!! Every time I feel an argument coming on I try to leave and he doesn't let me he keeps me home and takes the keys so I can't leave and just squeezes me until I calm down and then forces me to have sex with him after. I can't do this any more my heart hurts I'm depressed I can't spend a DAy with my kids without crying cuz of something he told me. I need help any suggestions would be great!! He has I think if not all but almost all of these traits

6:03 PM  

My fiancé is like 4 of these :/ but my daughter cries to me and wants me to stay with him, says she can't lose another dad.. She doesn't see what he does to me only knows when I don't have him around for a day. His behavior is getting worse by the week.. Started out yelling then belittling, then calling me a bitch, now pushed me so hard on the ground I bruised and scrapped the palms of my hand and bruised and cut both of my knees.. I love him less and less. I want my daughter to never be with a man that puts his hands on her.. Ever.. It just breaks my heart bc she loves him and they have a great relationship. I don't know what to do:(,

11:05 PM  

Ive dated the same man for eight years, married him after seven and recently divorsed him. In the beginning I never seen any signs of abuse. I was also very young at the time. We have two kids together and we had our own house. He worked I stayed home with the our oldest, pregnant with our youngest. After a while, he would come home very angry with me. The house wasn't how he liked it... Because I had been with our kids or in town etc.. The first time I realized how far things had gotten was the day he grabbed me up by my throat and told me how quickly he could kill me. I was terrified. Keep in mind, I'm a fiesty girl and never backed down from a fight. But he had this horrible look on his face. And with his hands around my throat I could feel his forse and anger. I didn't leave. At the time the way I seen it was my kids need their dad. I'm staying because of my children. Day after day he would come home, when ever he wanted too. Any time of night and yell and cuss at me for being upset. Everyday he told me how worthless I was, used everything he could to cut me down. I ended up with 21 stitches in my hand as a gift for Christmas. He felt guilty, so he stayed home from work to help me care for our oldest child. He knew how helpless I felt. And still cut me down and being hateful too me. He bitch smacked me with a diaper he had just took off our son. Needless to say we eventually split with the kids. Later we were I conversation and I asked him why he did the things he did. He told me he wanted to hurt me. He made it his goal to destroy me. At the time of most of the abuse I was pregnant with our youngest. I gave birth in the hospital alone without his father. He had a very low birth weight and was premature. He's my miracle baby. It took me a long time to realize and understand that the abuse wasn't my fault. Yes, there were thinking I could have done to help the situation but it was never my fault. And every now and again those feelings creep back up. I'm currently single with my children, I'm scared to let another man back in my life. I dont want my kids to see that and think its okay. I dont want my children to get hurt. Its a very hard thing because I loved him. I was madly in love with a man who was in love with hurting me. To this day I don't hold any hard feelings, I dont hate him. I wish him nothing but the best. He doesn't see the children, on his own free will. Honestly I dont complain, thier safer with me. Its a very difficult thing for anyone to speak out during or after abuse. And I've very proud of each person that has spoke put I these posts I've read. I wish you men and woman nothing but the best!!!! And I'll pray for each and every one of you!!! Stay strong & stay safe!

5:31 AM  

My husband is most of this stuff. I'm am literally terrified at this point.You hear about women preventing situations/arguments from getting out of hand, but I can't help that. He could miss place something had plans that feel through, he accuses me of stealing money all the time it can be change. He said if I never leave I would never see my two year old again. That's not the only reason I won't or cant leave tho. He helped me basically get my life started. Helped me get an apartment taught me how to drive. I'm not saying I owe him anything it's just pure dependence I work full time and get paid pretty good and all its someing I can't explain. He also a really good dad and very social with his friends . I'm not a loud to have friends go anywhere but work without him. I catch a commuter bus and if I'm not home at the right time. He blames me for never taking care of the house or my kids. I manage to take care of the house cook dinner and change every diaper while leaving the house at 4:00am and and home by 6:45pm. I feel underappreciated. And when I get beat its not a little slap here and there it punches, throws, weapones its horrible and when I cry of pain he says I'm faking it. Idk what to do I can easily call my parents that live 3 miles away but I just can't. I look around at me place I see my kids happy everything in place and order I worked so hard for what I have. Yes its material things but the joy of my kids out ways the hurt and pain I feel. He broke my finger once and I had my parents pick me up. I had my then 8 year old lie for me and said I slammed it in the screen door. He gets jealous all the time because he beleives I'm so beautiful and doesn't want anyone to have me. I tell I'm not a hoe just because you beleive that.Every time he gets so paranoid about everything from me cheating, stealing money and talking to people. He always says he's gonna cheat on my with other bitches when he doesn't get want he wants.another reasin im skepital of leaveins is that The bestfriend I ever had who he didn't like was in an abusive relationship also and an left him went to a women's shelter she signed a contract that she would never see him or have contact with him. Being a person in that type of relationship she went back with him and they took her kids away for child endangerment. Like mine her guys never pur hands on her children but the court didn't see it like that. So her kids were taking away and eventually was adopted by people that fell in love with them. I just can't do that. If I'm gonna leave its not gonna b the way of the court or community help. Its gotta be on me I just hope he won't kill me before than.Thanks for reading I never told or express this to anyone. If you see me you would have NO Ideal.

8:49 AM  

I wanna say that don't matter what are situation is we don't deserve anyone mistreating us. We are mother friends wifes lovers we are human beings. And we need respect we need to remind us that we worth something for our kids families friends God. every punch name every time we got screamed at and scared we don't need that we deserve better we need to stop being scared and know that God has someone better for us out there that will respect us love us UNDERSTAND us and not just make us feel worthless or useless. That we need to love our self For all the mothers out there every woman that has been abusive. Let's do something for our self for our kids enough is enough and we can be independent and that we can be happy without being abuse. And I know is hard to say goodbye because we think we in love because we think his gonna changed but if he didn't realized he was wrong or apologize that first time he scream at you or punch you or threat you he will always think his right. If he did it the first time he will do it the sec thir. Time. I love all of y'all ladies even tho I don't know you but I love y'all for being strong till this day for being alive and for being brave and say y'all being abuse. And I know what is like to feel like you have no exit. But we do and that exit is know we can do better know we beautiful creatures know we can do it. If we did it before we met our spouse we can do it again

10:21 PM  

If he knew I was typing this I would be dead. I would love to leave this relationship. I've not only read about abuse but I believe he's a psychopath too. I'm in constant fear of me my family and friends, but I've come to the fact that this is my life. I have no way out I've tried and have failed. I'm not suppose to be happy.now my job is to not make him mad. Not sure why I'm saying this but I need to get this off my chest or maybe if someone reads this they will give me guidance.

3:29 AM  

Am in hell iv lost everything for a man who.does all the above

8:10 PM  

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:31 AM  

We need a Private group.. I just made 1 in Facebook. I will keep the group a secret for safety reasons. Send me a message containing (28 red flags) and I'll add you to the group.

10:23 PM  

Video tape her... I put nanny cams in my house. Then showed the person how they treated me.

11:09 PM  

So I must be in a emotional physical n mental relationship
It all started when he lost his job
The first time we had a huge argument to which point he head butted me so I head butted him back I was shocked with what came next he fully punched me in the head with the strength he had
Followed a hour later he cryed and said sorry I believed him like a fool
We were arguing the other day he kept telling me it was over etc and I soon as I stopped up he pushed me so hard I fell and bruised my whole left side
I found messages to his family he is blaming me for everything and not owning up to what he does and says in a argument he says stuff like he will snap my neck etc
He tells me if I didn't piss him off he wouldn't say stuff like that he says when we argue shut up then it wouldnt happen
I'm so lost he blames me for cheating cuz I asked a male friend a very close friend to cuddle me cuz of what's happened
After reading this I think I need to walk away before he kills me or pits me in hospital and ruins the happy caring person I am

12:24 PM  

Help me decided on what to do, PLEASE
boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. in feb i found out that throughout our whole relationship he has been cheating on me with multiple people. he continuously talked with other girls and even held a 4 month long sexual relationship (unprotected) with a girl. I confronted him and broke up with him the moment i found out. He called and texted me from different number, as well as emailing me from different emails and I decided to forgive him and continue or relationship. My self confidence has gone down and i've been having trouble trusting him. All i ask for is reassurance that i am the one for him. Last week was the first time i spent the night at his place after finding out everything. On Saturday I was feeling depressed and the angry. We argued and in attempt to shut me up he grabbed my face, placed his hands on my mouth and kept shouting "be quite" I was scared and am still scared. I dont know what could have happened and I am happy that I came to my senses and slapped him to get him off. He didnt show remorse and told me to get the fuck out when my phone is charged. I told him ill call my cousin to pick me up and stopped me, grabbing me into bed with him. He didnt touch me but i was scared and started to have a panic attack. I couldnt breath because he was holding me down. the moment I did calm down he said that if i call itll be the end and he started crying hysterically. I felt bad and forgave him. I still feel scared and all i can thinking about is his face and the force he used on me. and even though im scared i decided to ghost him, blocking him from everything without letting him now. Did i do good by escaping without his knowledge?

5:05 PM  

So I guess I could be the abuser n the abused. I do say things in anger n know what buttons to push. He is more physically abusive, although he does attack verbally,emotionally as well. My thing is I'm not sure if I am provoking the violence. This last time was wicked. He n I were fine. Laughing listening to music, then things took a turn for the worse. The kids were fighting bedtime which is normal. I'm a single parent most the time but when he comes around, which is when he wants, I go wks without hearing from him. So he was getting frustrated that the kids would not go to bed. He took over, putting the kids to bed being very forceful. I let it go at that point, he was jus tired. That's when him n I began to have sex. Started out normal but then he got forceful, which usually I dnt mind but he shoved himself in my anus. He pinned my arms behind my back, I tried to get him to stop, telling him to get off me he wouldn't. I started to cry still he wouldn't stop. He finally was finished. I was so defeated, I went out to have a cigarette, he came out right behind me. He took my cigarette n told me to go inside n go to bed I was like fu. I want to smoke. He picked me up n he says we fell but idk, I hit my head really hard, my arm, back my body is wrecked. I hurt everywhere.I could c now this was not gonna be an ordinary night. So I complied. I went to bed. He again was putting the kids to bed yelling, as I hear them crying I yell at him he can do whatever to me jus leave the kids alone. He stopped, the kids did stay in their beds after all that. Laying beside him I cryed, he jus kept saying y are you crying.... I told him to jus take his knife n kill me. He was acting like he wanted me dead I repeated myself, he put me in a choke hold n said this doesn't leave a mark. I shut down. He then raped me again in the anus. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. Yet he says we are both at fault, i know I have a sharp tongue. He pisses me off like no body can. But does that weren't this behavior. I can't lift things well missed a day of work. My head still hurts n has a lump on it. Was I asking for.this by my verbal assault? I know button pushing n saying f u doesn't help. I do see fault in my actions, I know he gets worked up, but the violation was new, he has never done that b4. I got my key back, n he collected his things from here. Idk. Abuse, abuser, abused, whatever the title. I let him in again. I blame myself, n that is hard to deal with. I plan to go back to counseling, move forward, n try to live without him. Though I love him, I love him n don't know if I want to be without him. Idk. This place came on my screen.I needed to vent. So thank you for giving me a place where I can dump this, cas holding it in was killing me.

4:10 PM  

My boyfriend and I were discussing why I shouldn't keep the baby I just learned I'm carrying. Out of nowhere he said he would like to punch me in the face or call me one of those rude names I don't like: cunt, bitch, whore. I'm so shocked by his behavior. I don't understand why he would randomly say something like that. So I asked, "what did I say For you to take it there? What would ever make you say something like that?" He said he'd never do it, but something is off with this dude. This man was the ultimate gentleman when I first met him. He was rushing into this relation with me. He's trying to isolate me from my friends and family by making it difficult for anyone to want to be around him. When I call him out on his behavior, he says weird stuff like, "All I ever did was love you. I don't want to spend another night without you by my side." What's up with this man? How did he get in an Ivy League school and attain the status he has without folks noticing his bizarre behavior?

3:29 PM  

i am 20 years old and have been with my "boyfriend" / baby daddy for about 4 years i got pregnant that same year we met but almost a year of dating and him and i were okay we had our arguments here and there even before i moved in with him in june 2013 at this time i was 6 or 7 months pregnant (my family didnt like him since the begining so i didnt take it as a warning sign i was "in love with him" anyway i moved in with him and then i had my son the same day i moved in with him and his family... things were great for the first few months then i started to find things out slowly and slowly so things started becoming argumental and verbally abusive not just from his end but from mine too but things have been like this for 3 years... i dont know what to do because he has hit me before to the point where he had me on the floor punching me on the head...holding me down from leaving the room and cussing at me and calling me names.. and saying that all he wants is for me to calm down.. im fed up like today he was sleeping and i was playing in the room with our kid and my son being 2 years old ofcourse is gonna play around i was getting my son ready for a shower then when i got to the bathroom he bagan saying things so i just ignred him things were said he started holding me down and he chocked me... i am in alot of pain from my neck.. he pretty much kept me hostage in the room while my son was crying in the shower.. i kept saying let me go so i can go get my son.. hes more important than this... and so on i also told him that why is he so tired when u dont even work.. idk what to do....

9:33 PM  

IVe been with my boyfriend for 4 years now I have 3 beautiful children unfortunately ever since we moves out on our own (again) hes changed he takes my keys won't let me (or hates me doing so like envents at school for my kids) he comes me hits me threatens to kill me and even more sadly my child has seen him hurt me more then once . I know as a mom I have to protect them and do so no matter what. But we have no where to go and he says he'll NEAVER leave . nor if I don't want to be with him . I can't be with no one . between the names the physical abuse that all he says is its my fault I make him so this I make him that way no one on the world would deal with me. As soon as I give a reply theirs something in his eyes that male him look empty no emotional a monster if u will. And anything can set him off such as not wearing the preappoved clothes he chooses. Talking to a neighbor. The abuse has made me stress so much in the past year i Developed Tpye 1 diabetes from high suger spent the last 2 weeks in the hospital. I'm not sure how to help my children or my self I'm always worried that the next time will be the last time. That maybe one day he really would KILL me. any advice is welcome

11:24 AM  

My boyfriend has choked me several times, nearly dislocated my arm, gave me a black eye before my birthday. Ruined birthday plans. He's pushed me down in front of friends. He isolates me from them. After a recent night of drinking he took a knife out of the kitchen and held it to his throat and at first I thought he would come after me. I'm so scared and I want to leave. I have no money to leave. My kids will be devestated. I love my home. I hate him. We were supposed to get married and family has bought tickets but now I don't know what to do. I must find a way to leave.

2:20 AM  

Thank you for this list. I have been with my husband 15 years he is 10 Years older than me and i was 18 when i got with him. At first the violence (phyisical and emotional) wasnt too bad and he was the man about town and i felt privaliged that he choose me (he told me that all the time) so i stayed, he promised it was a 'one off' (even after years of this i still let myself belive he is sorry) now it has got to the point i can't leave (no where to go) but at least this list has showen me that his behaviour is not normal (he tells me it is) i am a victim and he shows 25 out of the 28 things on this list. He is violent, to name a few things he has done, split my head open, threw me down stairs, punched me, slapped me, strangled me too many times i have lost count. tells me that he is not abusive and tha i deserve all he gives me but looking at this list i now know that is not true. I need to find the strength to leave (i used to be strong and happy but i have lost all that and i dont know when it went) i want to be happy again, i dont want to feel the way he makes me feel about myself, about sex ( i am scared of sex now) and about life.

3:35 PM  

Best manipulators. Get in our heads. Change us. Blame us. Shame on us. Yes we deserve to be happy. We should enjoy sex. Cus sex is just sex. They expect it. Turn off. Whatever happened to us being made love to???? We get so brain washed. We need to gain strength and confidence to know we deserve better. Sweetie I'm with you on this one. Your story reminds me of mine. Yes, we may think we have nothing. When we leave, we leave with our dignity. And that. That there is beyond anything we will ever feel, if we stay. There are shelters everywhere for battered women. It's going to be tough. We adapt to our surroundings. It becomes our norm. And with a norm we do not like change. Starting OVER. Very hard. We are worth allowing ourselves to be respected, truly loved, happy, satisfied, whole, and treated as a human being. We deserve the finer things in life. When we say we have nothing. We are made to believe that. Look into battered women shelters. So we do have a place to go. We will leave with strength, dignity, assurance, peace, determined, powerful and not powerless. We have made it. Now we need to change it. Start living our lives. We need to find who we are and not what these cowards have made us. We are full of life. Sweetie we deserve to live a truthful, adequate, fullfilled life. We have power. We are power. Be power. smooches.

11:25 AM  

I have been seeing a guy for one year, thought I'd found someone I really loved and wanted a future with until 4 days ago. We were on a night out with friends and although he doesn't handle alcohol very well, turns rather rude and can't remember most of the nights out, he'd never once laid a finger on me. I can't stress enough how stunned/shocked I was when he eventually did. That same night he'd asked me to move in with him, told me how much he loved me and asked me if I'd have his baby so what happened next took the wind out my sails. When we got home he started saying some really ugly stuff then ran at me and punched me right in the face, I fell to the floor and he lifted his foot and started stomping on my head and face. I was screaming for help and I honestly thought I was going to die, all I could think of was my son and how I wouldn't be there for him. I tried and tried to get up from the floor all the while he just kept stamping. Thankfully my screaming was heard and a man came and pulled him off me, otherwise I am convinced my head would have been splattered all over his floor and he would have woke in the morning to a dead body in his house.
I was hysterical, stunned, couldn't comprehend what had happened, didn't understand how this man who loved me and wanted me to live with him and become a family was capable of such hatred and violence. I had to go to the hospital as I thought my jaw was broken, they done xrays and nothing was thankfully. I walked away with black eyes, burst nose, lumps and bumps and bruises all over my head and under my hair and a cracked rib. I will never be able to thank the man enough, that in my eyes saved my life.
4 days on and I still don't understand, I can't sleep, I relive every moment of it and I feel ashamed and embarrassed because it happened to me - a strong independent woman. I have hidden away so people don't see my face, I don't want people to know what happened to me. As for finding what I thought was the love of my life - that fairytale ended with the first punch. Alcohol blackouts is what is being blamed for this incident and I don't know much about it but it's not an excuse for what happened - there is no excuse.
I am not a religious person but I have no idea how to get over this or move on and I've even considered going to church. Writing this down has helped a little.

7:10 PM  

Yup. To all those who is reading every story till the very end - please, love yourself and run away as fast as you can, before it's too late. My case is mild, however, I feel betrayed and used and abused all over me. It started as usual - love from first sight, he said he has PTSD and may be ADHD, nightmares, deep depression, suicidal motives, drug/alcohol abuse, then enormous jealousy came, bursts of which was accompanied with nasty stuff like calling me names and always accusations of cheating and not being faithful. Later stuff progressed, he might be pissed off of very little thing and have a blowout of explosive anger, he stated to kick me out of house whenever he feld upsed about my words or each time I was leaving him cause of all this. Nightmare progressed with him calling me nastiest names and saying nastiest words to me when he is upsed, always trying to put me down that I'm worthless and my job is fake, i'm fake, my love is fake, and I know nothing, he throwed my things, broke em, fired me out of appt many times, screamed at me with curses, one time even throwed huge amount of water at me when I was in bed saying it was necessary and he has right to do so cause it seemed to him that u didn't listen to him. 2 days ago I wanted to break up again and wanted to grab my stuff from appt. He started throwing my things in a hall out of appt spitting on em on my clothes, I started throwing his too, he go mad, grabbed my hand and was trying to force me out of appt, I tried to stay in to get all my stuff, he did it for so long, grabbing me with all his force. Now my arm is in bruises, all body is in pain.
Dear women, for God's sake, they REALLY NEVER gonna change and they ARE very sure they have a right to do so, to lay hands on us, to ally their physical violence whenever that want and each time they do - they will justify it that WE, victims, are in charge and it is OUR guilt, they will say!
RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!
This is NOT LOVE!
You can love in a distance. Do not allow anyone to abuse you. You body and spirit are sacret noone is ever allowed to disrespect and abuse at ANY cost. Be strong! God be with you.

6:02 PM  

Well im 21 i been with my boyfriend for two years and he is both physically and verbally abusive so he hit me multiple times and he says the harshest things to me he insult me outside in front of people just totally disrespectful im scared to defend myself because i think he going to start beating me and when he hits me he hits me hard like im a man im only 4'11 hes 6'2 so yea im scared of him im scared to leave because i dont know what will happen bt im really ready to move on...

9:38 PM  

What can you love about him? Do you think if he loved you he would bite and bruise you? This is horrific, you're 17 years old and you should be having a fun and carefree time.. you have your whole life ahead of you to meet other people, you don't have to settle for this shit. Get out before it gets even worse

12:19 PM  

Not sure if I missed it up there or not... but one thing my abusive boyfriend says after he hits me is always 'I just love you so much' or 'I just never want to lose you' I don't understand how someone can love another person but hurt them. My boyfriend has choked me, burned me on my lower back and legs, punched me, bit me, thrown objects at me, verbally abuse me, financially abuse me... takes all my hard earned money and spends it on alcohol... It's so hard to get away from him, as I have been trying for the past 2 years. If anyone has been going or is going through what I am, I know how you feel... and I pray someday you can get away from it, some people are just pure evil. It's nice to see I'm not the only one going through these issues.

5:50 AM  

I've lost count of how many bruises I've had in the past 4 years because of the abusive relationship im in. I want to leave but I just can't find the courage. He keeps telling me it won't happen again but I know it will. I have to leave he doesn't let me work,have friends,drive,and especially go out on my own. I'm stuck at home evrruday with my 2 year old son. I want to gather the courage to leave him.

6:10 PM  

This is to 14 year old Abbie and anyone else questioning the abuse in their relationship..... you are far too young to be dealing with any of this, your friends see things that your feelings prevent you from seeing. I have been abused by every man I have loved, starting with my father, I've been physically, verbally, sexually and emotionally abused. I am 37 years old and I've had more heartbreak in my life then anyone deserves. Please think about your future, be strong and be smart. Read about abusive partners and try to be honest with yourself. Things with your boyfriend WILL get progressively worse , It will never get better the more time you are with him the harder it will be to leave him do it now before he hits you or makes you cry one more time . do not push your friends away or alienate them that is an abuser's goal . I cannot tell from what I read that you are in an abusive relationship but if your friends think you are then you probably are. End it and be a happy 14 year old. Do not end up broken and abused. Love yourself enough to be with a person that you will never have to ask this question, or a person your friends tell you is an abuser . I hope you all the best. This is a text I sent to my BF of 3 years, I'm still with him despite what is best for myself.... I would NEVER INTENTIONALLY hurt you!!! NEVER!!! Especially burn you!!! In the past 3 days you have attacked me when I was EXTREMELY Vulnerable naked in the shower, u hit me, choked me and covered my nose and mouth so I couldn't breath, you hit me in the head, the leg, the back.... The way u reacted to what just happened made me cry not because of physical pain, that doesn't phase me, it's because I am getting afraid of you. I don't want to be afraid of the man I love!!! I don't want to fear you I don't want to have to expect you to just slap/punch me in my face when u get pissed off. I look away not because of no respect but because I'm becoming afraid. I don't want to lose you!!! I don't want to break up I just don't want my reaction to you be fear. I don't want you to feel like you could just hit me anytime you get irritated or mad I don't want you to want to hurt me. Im sensitive to this babe and you know why. I guess I don't fully even know if you have a clear understanding of how my life was as a child into my early teen years, of the pure terror my life was, I lived in constant fucking fear of the man who I loved with all my heart, a man who was supposed to protect me, a child should never fear their father like I did and still do, so this is a huge deal to me. I don't understand what changed with how you feel about me, where the desire to hurt me came from. I'm sorry I react like this but I just really really want you to try to understand how big a deal this is to me and like I said I don't want to lose you I just want it to go back to where you want to protect me and not hurt me ,even if I am a dick or if I'm wrong or if I'm being a bitch I don't want you to want to hurt me, I want you to love me!!! I still fully believe if there is something I do and I deserve it then I can understand that but not simply because I pissed u off. I don't want you to feel comfortable with hitting me or hurting me just because you get the urge. I NEED and I want to feel safe not scared please, baby I need you and I love you. Please try to understand ....
It makes me sick that I am still here .... I am trapped and afraid

10:31 PM  

My fiancé and father of my 2 girls has many of the traits listed above. We have been in a relationship for going on 4 years now. I didn't notice his anger issues until about 2 years ago. It started with him breaking MY things or our kids things when he got angry. He shattered my vases on our front porch the first time. He never physically touched me until 2 months ago. I had left him for 4 days and came back a Monday morning to get more clothes for my kids and I. When I arrived at our house he had his ex girlfriend sleeping on our couch. I was obviously upset but did not touch him or act crazy. After she left I was trying to talk to him about what our next step was. I had a coffee in my hand and was sitting at our bar while he was sitting on the couch (our girls were with my mom) I brought up the girls and said that we need to make a plan for split custody and he lost it. He lunged at me and slapped my coffee out of my hand, I stood up and backed away towards to front door ( at this point I was very frightened) he shoved me down and I hit my head on the tile. I ran out to our porch and he followed and bowed up to me, I was literally crouched down on the floor with him towering over me with both of his fist clenched shut. He told me I better go inside and clean up the fucking mess I just made .( the spilled coffee ) I called the police and they escorted me in to grab my belongings, I didn't press charges. I know I shouldn't of came back but I did. This morning, I asked him about money that someone owed him and he lost it again. We were on our porch and he started destroying everything. He threw my beach wagon over our privacy fence ( our porch is enclosed with a privacy fence ) he broke the wheels on it so it is no longer useful. He picked up our youngest daughter's $400 motorized princess carriage that she just got as a birthday gift 4 days ago and threw it and broke it. She hasn't even gotten to use it yet. He threw our trash can. Ripped up one of our aloe plants from my garden and threw it very hard into my new car, it's now covered in dirt and is dented. He ripped out my wind chimes that were hanging and lastly he told me not to forget that just as he had ruined all of that stuff he can pick me up and throw me across the house like a rag doll. He said he won't apologize for throwing a temper tantrum like a child because I treat him like a child and when I start treating him like a man he will act like a man. He hasn't apologized to me and is texting me like everything is normal. This all happened in front of his employee who was sitting in the car watching the entire thing and didn't do anything to stop him or help me. After the incident when he shoved me, I never thought he would get violent like that again. I feel stuck. He is the sole bread winner and owns a business. I'm a stay at home mom with no other income besides what he brings home. I love him and don't want our family to break up but I'm so scared that the inevitable is going to happen and he is going to happen and the next time he is angered he is going to turn his rage towards me instead of my things. I don't know what to do.

12:58 PM  

8 month ago I married a man that seemed perfect. He played the complete love bomb. I was totally mesmerized. Only took a week for it to all start. Violent tempers tantrums, mental, verbal and physical abuse. In a matter of a few months I had no family contact, no friends didn't even talk with coworkers. In 3 month I lost 35 pounds. If I brought anything up it got even worse so I didn't. I had to leave my home more than once to escape being hurt. I asked him to leave. He wouldn't or he did but would show up at night. I moved out, moved back in, with promises of good behaviour. No such luck. Today I been married 8 months . I moved out, left everything , drove 1500 miles away to stay with family. I found out his first marriage ended for the same reason. I had to dig for that information it was not from him. Today I have peace of mind. I am not scared now. I am looking for a job and a divorce. I am blessed. I do still wake up every morning thinking what just happens to me.

11:43 PM  

I can look back now and see that with my husband it was all a plan from day one. Everything he did and said had a purpose. As soon as he felt he had me in the right place it all changed and quickly. He perceived me not telling friends or family about the abuse loyalty to him. The cheating, lies and abuse were too embarrassing for me to reveal to anyone. The bruises on my face and arms told their own story. He was no longer safe in his look how perfect I am world. It was even worse for me. Men like this will never change. Sticking around and trying to fix them is a waste of your time and dangerous.

12:07 AM  

I need some answers. I am in an abusive relationship. I'm pregnant, only 7-8 weeks. I lost a baby a few months ago, so I am a high risked pregnancy. My boyfriend and I have only been together since this June. I didn't want a baby, he held me down while he finished. He knew I was pulling away, he even admits it. He has hit me 4 times and has tried to kill me twice. He has hit me in my head 2, my stomach 1 and elbowed me in my mouth (he chipped my tooth and busted my lip in 3 spots). The first time he , well I say tried, he actually planned to kill me- he took me to a river and picked up a thick stick. As he walked down to the river, I had a bad feeling so I stayed behind him and a couple feet away at all times. He randomly threw the stick and started running. I was still scared so I waited until he got In front of me and on the hill before I walked up. The next day I asked him and he told me that he was planning on it and that the only reason he didn't was because there was people down there. The second time was by far the most scary and worse thing I've ever experienced. We were laying on the couch, just playing and talking and laughing. Everything was going well and then he grabbed my neck and wouldn't let go. I flipped us off the couch and we rolled about 3 foot in front of the TV and he kept repeating "it's okay, it's happening. It's happening right now. Just take it. It will all be okay" I got really light headed and could feel myself about to pass out so I fought him off of me and jumped up. He kept trying to grab me and choke me again, but I kept ducking and dodging. I got to the door and he jumped toward it to shut it so I started screaming and stood in between the door and wall. I was crying hysterically and just went walking. He chased me and told me that he was sorry and to come back. I agreed but I told him that I wasn't going back inside with him. My mother was on her way to us, which made me feel a little better. I didn't go back in with him until he grabbed my arm and lead me to the bed room and just cuddled me while I cried and was having a panic attack with "911" dialed on my phone. He told me that he "grabbed my throat trying to play and ended up getting carried away." I want to leave him, but I am scared. He tried to kill himself of threatens to kill me or my brother every time I try to leave. I love him and don't want to deal with the pain of losing him and having to raise this baby on my own, but I am terrified to be around him. I haven't slept in 2 days. I had bruises on my neck. earlier that day he punched me in the back of my head 2 times and then elbowed me in my mouth and destroyed my poster and tried to catch my clothes on fire over nothing. I need some advice. I really don't want anything to happen to my family or my baby.

11:56 PM  

I came to this sight because my boyfriend often makes "jokes" about killing me. After reading through this, i feel some trait are not, by themselves as an isolated incident, cause to consider relationship abusive. But nevertheless, my boyfriend possesses much of the more subtle traits such as saying " you make me...," usually followed with happy but sometimes the word frustrated. I have also noticed lately disagreeing with him is me trying to start a fight.
I never fell for that line he repeats, that i am so much different from anyone he has met, and surprised to see that as a trait. He says i make him want to be a better man, but is annoying with his constant need for me to inflate his ego.
He hasnt really given me a hard time with having friends and going out but always wants to know if i talked about him and what i said.
The unrealistic pressures to be the perfect partner are definitely something i feel imposed.

2:40 AM  

Men are physically stronger which adds to the level of danger, as well. Also I might add that whenever a man would say "I had to hold her down from attacking me" I know right away he is a beater, because I have heard that excuse told a thousand times in slightly different ways by the perpetrator, but basically the same lie.

9:19 PM  

I'm leaving my abusive husband for good. He's in jail right now and I'm scared to death of him that if he gets out what he may do to me and I'm in another state no family near and no friends. He got mad at me when I hugged his friend whom was depressed and kissed his forehead and he accused me of cheating on him just because of this and attacked me. I'm still shaking 5 days later and my entire body hurts from the attack. He loaded his rifle and put the end in his mouth and yelled he was going to kill himself after he said he was going to kill me. It hurts so much because I've done nothing but love him and I've had to leave several times because he would hurt me and he also had an affair and asked me to forgive him so I did and he said he doesn't regret it that I deserved it. He took my only car keys and did something with them to keep me from leaving and I had to order a new key so I pray it comes in today at the dealership so I can pack up and go. I just can't understand how a man can just be so cold when I have tried so hard to make him happy and he promised he'd never hurt me again but he has for the last time. I feel I'm gonna cry some more after reading these posts because I know very well what it's like to be hurt and feel broken. I'm not sure if I can view love the same anymore. No one ever deserves to be harmed. I feel so lucky to not have kids with him, he's my 2nd husband and I feel like I'm still in shock because I thought he was going to pull the trigger and felt like I was going out of my mind. It's hard to be strong when I feel broken and I need prayers��������

8:42 AM  

I ALWAYS recommend getting a Domestic Violence Advocate involved BEFORE calling the police (even if you are not a citizen)

You can find one close to you at:
http://domesticshelters.org

You do NOT have to live there!! Go there quietly and ask to speak to an advocate. They can help!

7:38 PM  

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