Sanctuary for the Abused

Sunday, June 01, 2014

28 Signs of An Abuser

1. Unemployed or Underemployment.
Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.

2. Emotional Dependency.
Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.

3. High Investment in Marriage.
Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.

4. Boundaries.

5. Quick Involvement.
6. Controlling Behavior.
7. Jealousy.Angry about your relationship with other men, women, coworkers, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.

8. Abusive Family of Origin.
Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.

9. Low Self-Esteem.

10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse.
11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions.
12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems.
13. Hypersensitivity.
Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.

14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.

15. Unrealistic Expectations.

16. Rigid Gender Roles.
17. Rigid Religious Beliefs.Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.

18. Disrespect for Women in General.

19. Emotional Abuse.
20. Isolation.
21. Reliance on Pornography.
22. Sexual Abuse.
23. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others.
24. Past Violence.
Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).

25. Fascination with Weapons.
Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others. Tells you he knows how to kill someone and/or how to hide bodies; or that he has 'friends' who will 'take care of you'.

26. Threats of Violence.

27. Breaking or Striking Objects.

Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."
28. Any Force During an Argument.

Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning.

This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.

ONE OR TWO of these traits is ENOUGH to consider him ABUSIVE!  (FYI these traits apply to FEMALE abusers too)


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shared by Barbara at 12:05 AM



I think it should be mentioned that women can be just as abusive and are not always "sugar and spice and all things nice"!

5:35 AM  

This list is extremely helpful!

11:38 PM  

From reading this list i have just realised that my boyfriend has been emotionally abusing me, i dnt no what to do i feel so weak i love him but no dis relationship does not work anymore

11:22 AM  

Looks like I had better leave him before he gets back to the UK.

1:07 PM  

Is there a list for women?? Many are just as bad if not worse.

9:05 AM  

This list could easily be reworked for women.

9:54 AM  

Gives me chills every time I read it. One or two of these traits is enough to consider him abusive...lets try 15-20 of them. Thankful I got out.

4:09 PM  

these traits are also found in many women

3:12 PM  

Just read this blog - I make it very plain that women can be abusers too.

12:35 AM  

So, if my husband hit and broke my car window with our baby in the back seat, does that mean it WILL get worse at one point? He and i got in an argument a few months ago. He said something that totally shocked and hurt me passed the pount of crying. I was angry and lunged at him. He turned me around and choked/strangled me to the point i couldn't breath and my feet were off the ground. He said he was defending himself. So, first the car(afew years ago), then the choking. Should i be scared that it will get worse or am i over analyzing? People say it will get worse.

9:18 PM  

Im dating a guy who seems nice and very muc
h like a gentleman, but am I being too paranoid that he asked me to be his girlfriend within the first two weeks of us knowing each other, he frequently questions if i talk to other guys and is economically below me? He constany reassures me he's not rushing me, I like him but something tells me something isn't right

12:20 AM  

Wow this put me in shock I never understood why he does it or how to tell but I have read 18 that are bout him... but I'm attached he has no1 else but me n he's homeless now n ill b the first to admit 3 of them is about me like abused as a kid n needing him n low self esteem but I never threaten him or put my hands on him someone pls tell me how to get out b4 its too late n he does worse than just grabbing my throat

2:00 AM  

"HE" moved out 11 days ago. He had 20 out of these 28. Jesus! I knew he was bad, just amazing he was that bad. I'm relieved it's over

1:06 PM  

I married him in 2009. When I got pregnant it started. In that time he has isolated me from my family n friends. He has done everything on that list just about. i lost my two older children to my first husband but i didn't fight cause i wanted them safe. Three days ago he came at me and our toddler starting crying and saying bad daddy. he went at h im. at that point i decided to get off the rollar coaster.Two days ago i ran with a back pack of clothes and 20 dollars on foot. i am now at a safe location . i am scared and broken. I don't know life has instore but i know i have to be strong for my baby.

9:31 PM  

I feel like my 20yr old daughter is being abused mentally as well as physically. I too was once in an abusive relationship at one time but got out before it got physical. She won't talk to us now and has a 16 month old son that is NOT his child. She won't admit any of this to us but has to friends. How do I help her? Grandparents have no rights where we live and I'm scared for them both. She has my grandsons dad convenced that they are fine and we are crazy. What can I do? I've seen so many red flags myself. If she won't help herself, ho can I help my grandson?

11:27 PM  

Wow! Let's alone I count only strong brings to 24 count! I would not count lightly but strong ones. I no longer living with him when baby is only 1 year and 5 month. It been battle ground(3 years) ever since...numerous of harassement,stalking,stolen property, fights...go on and on...Now He gave up and move on with his new realtionship.I am now at peace for the first time in a month.....hope it stays that way!

4:15 PM  

I looked up these signs of an abuser after meeting a guy who met nearly 90% of this list. He would psycho dial me and call my job if he didn't hear from me within 5-10min at a time. I very scared after finding out on our local court website that he has a history of explosive behavior. How the fuck do I cut him off? If he tries to harm me I swear to fucking God I will kill him!

3:14 PM  

Yes get out now.

1:57 PM  

If he keeps calling you - tell the police he is harassing you.

Tell him in no uncertain terms he is to stay away from you. If he doesn't listen TELL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY. If they come to your home, have the document from the local court printed out for them to see.


11:33 PM  

Ive been with HIM off/on since 1994. We have a 17yr old, 8mo old and 6wk old together. HE meets all the criteria excet he is not sexually abusive. He calls me a whore and worse when he gets mad, he accuses me of cheating and says he has a new girlfriend. He punched a hole in my closet door. He ignores me most of the time, disregards my feelings ALL the time, and he hit me the 1st time when I was pregnant with our last baby...the stress caused me to have the baby when I was 29wks pregnant. Yesterday he choked me five times, he slammed my head against the toilet and the floor. Im sad and hurt, ive loved him since 6th grade. Im afraid of the future, of taking care of two babies alone... Feel like dying...

8:39 PM  

I have seen in my life that ALL sexually abused people are insecure and dominating and controlling to the extreme. And they get nervous when things are not going exactly as they want things to go. And I have seen that girls that were abused by Daddy are so damaged that nothing normal can ever be experienced with them. Oh yes they love the person that lets them in to death. They call all the time and get angry if the partner is doing anything they didn't know about. Demanding that they be told everywhere and everything the partner is thinking of doing at all times.

At first the partner is enamored by the attention and devotion of the abuse victim. Soon it is clear that something is very wrong and normal things are rejected by the abuse victim. Then the partner is shamed and manipulated by the victims needs and sadness.

It is better to free yourself from the abuse victims life draining behavior and let Therapists deal with them. Because life goes by fast and then one day you are old and still dealing with all the mental and emotional problems any time you want something that does not center around pleasing the Abuse Victim.

4:19 PM  

My boyfriend whom i currently live and have a baby with seems to meet alot of this critiriea. We had an argument as soon as he started yelling at me i asked him to not yell and he said he could yell all he wanted then i tried leaving the room then he held me down against the bed and started yelling at my face and said i wasn't leaving untill he was done talking i started squirming kicking and crying because i was afraid then he let me go when i accidentally hit his hin with my knee. I ran out of the room he then followed me saying that why did i hit him that he did nothing wrong to me.

5:10 AM  

If anyone feels anyway but safe and comfortable in a relationship. must get out of it asap.

3:21 AM  

Thank you, your work on this website is invaluable, you have saved me and many others I'm sure. Again, thank you.

5:26 AM  

These also sound like the signs of someone who is being abused. I think the list in not accurate. And for the record, women can exhibit ALL of these behaviors and many in a stealth way. So, this sounds kind of old and not as helpful as first appearance.

6:25 PM  

My boyfriend always calls me a bitch, yells at me an says I'm cheating when I go to work he takes my money from me an gives me gas money each day which is only 10 dollars..its only enough to get me to work an by the time I leave my gas light is on an I get yelled at for it. He always calls me a fat ass because I gained 30 pounds after having our 2 babies. When we have sex its real quick he gets up an walks outside. Everyday he talks about this girl who lives by us. It was the first thing he said to me this morning was about her an I hadn't seen him in 24hrs. Is he cheating or what. Idk what to do

11:32 AM  

My ex husband did atleast 20 of the things on this list. I was pregnant when we married, so this explains why things escalated so fast. This is so helpful for me because its been a few years and I still have trouble with it all. He is 31 and working on his 4th wife. Its been hard because I have never been the same since it all happened

9:23 PM  

I've been in an abusive relationship and finally put an end to it when he wouldn't stop pinching me and grabbing my breast in a public place. He began mocking me. I snapped and began swinging my arms at him. He pushed me down to the floor. I walked out and never responded to his phone calls or text messages where he said I was in the wrong and owe him an apology. I was wrong to hit him, but at the time, I felt I needed to protect myself from his further abuse. I'm so much happier now without him.

11:38 PM  

Anonymous stop pushing your agenda about women being as frequently abusive as men. That is simply not true. While it is very true that women can also be abusive, the relative percentages are small. Domestic violence is overwhelmingly perpetrated by men against women. To say otherwise is ignorant or a blatant attempt to spread myths and misinformation.

11:58 PM  

I love the piece Barbara wrote and I am grateful for her to be waking up women so they no longer feel confused and unsure what adult abuse truly entails.
Ladies,I was sad to read that some of you have young babies with people who are punching/pushing and screaming at you. Time for you to run away with the child. I know its easier said than done but remember you've all come along way to work on your confidence and these quality of men shouldn't be let out in society. They will play the nice man game when they hear you are attempting to plan your future without him.
I was surprised when i read the other comments someone wrote at 4.19 it certainly borders on defamation about child abuse victims. You are after writing cutting down comments about sexual abuse victims and how they should be avoided?? Perhaps not all of them is like that. Are you a child abuser who served your sentence that wants to use these forms to have an attack at the injured parties?
Lets straighten one thing up here - people who suffered abuse as children are generally at high risk to meet more abusers until healed.From having dealings with different women I know for a fact that most men target people who are disconnected from families due to child abuse and other forms of abuse and they use that as a meal ticket to prey on the victim. They then feel temporary empowered and they get the victim to build trust in them and then they resort to playing mind games like the victims previous child abuser. Some men have been known to use women's child abuse stories to humiliate them.
I have more stories about men who have helped to further psychologically damage people and one case was about a lady who happened to be sexually abused as a child. He targeted her and told her what she wanted to hear. He worked full-time and he gambled and drank his monies and preys on the victim's kindness and tells his work colleagues that she is a handful because her dad raped her as a child. He uses dictionary english and comes across like the walter mitty rogue and can be very convincing but not in front of the right people. He used the high profile case to make himself look in a positive light.

2:05 PM  

Ive been in a relationship for almost 9 years now. He abused me in the past. I left him for a while. We eneded uptogether agian. I got pregnant with our 1st daughter and moved into a house together. He began to be abusive I believe. He likes to choke me and pull my hair. Theres been many times hes forced me into having sex. If I try and say no to him he becomes very violent and forces me.tells me I have no choice and its not up to me. He often tells me I need to obey him. I am now pregnant with our 2nd child.i was recently put on bed rest due to my water leaking early. Im also not supposed to have sex. Hes seems to be getting more angry and mean towards me. The other nght we werent getting along or talking. He had left for the day came back later that night. he made me sit down on the couch n sat next to me. He grabbed me by the hair shoved my head down scratched his hands down my back and smacked it. He began to choke me and tell me I need to listen to him. I said no please stop. He told me to shut up. He pulled my shirt up to expose my breasts and began to touch and pull on them. he kept pulling me around by my hair made me stand up and pulled down my pants n took them off. The whole time I was sayn no stop. Please no. I was finally able to get loose n ran up stairs. He followed me got my hair n put me on our bed. If I moved hed smack me in the face grab my hair or pinch me. He startd to play with me and eventually had sex with me. I cryed for a while afterwards I felt so violated. The next morning he was still being mean teling me to shut up. I had got in the shower. And next thing I kno hes behind me and forced me to have sex agian. Not even a couple hours later we were siting on the couch. He grabed me by the hair n made me give him head. Im terrified of him. The way he choked me I felt like he wanted to kill me. Idk what to do I have jo family here. I havent workd the past 2yrs being a stay at home mom. He provides for us. Its his house. Everythng is his. Im scared its only going to get scared for my babys we have animals hes starting to yell at and get very mean with.. im starting to feel crazy and depressed .. lost any help out there.

4:21 AM  

My husband has terrorized me and my kids.... He tries comitng suicide when I say I want a divorce. I have no one to reach out to. What's worse is his mother says he is my problem now but gets mad when u call the cops. He manipulates me so well but when u start to question him and his actions he plays such good mind games he makes me feel like a fool and paranoid.... I have tried getting away but not successfully. I don't know what to do anymore.

11:07 PM  

Listen to your gut feeling

11:45 AM  

Iam gave been in a relationship for almost 2years wuth a man who is just about everything on this list. He is very jealous, controlling, verbally, and physical abusive.i get accused of everything from lying to cheating. But i find It so hard to leave him because i love him and uve learned alot from him.

4:58 AM  

My ex displayed 24 out of the 28 and I am still in love with him. Its been 1.5 months since he abused me pretty harshly and we split for good. I just don't know how to ever expect my fears and trust towards men to ever mend.

4:13 PM  

I married a jerk even after seeing all the red flags. It is all my fault. Now he is unemployed living off of me. I have higher education, no debt (I paid part of his debt, furnished the house and the list goes on and on). He puts me down in front of his friends. Can't wait to get a job in a different town and serve him with the divorce papers!!!!

7:14 PM  

My husband has 5 of these I have been with him 6 years and i'm DONE!

2:02 AM  

My live in boyfriend ( we were friends first for a yr ) lost tuch found each other started to date then boom living together. It was love at first sight but I never thought in my mind that this man I love was abuser. After awhile w/arugments&physical fights&talking w/friends&fam that he just was a narsatist ( how ever you spell that crazy word) but as time went on&stumbling across this I'm starting to feel this is him abuser the man I love "yes I'm still confussed" I want to leave I'm scared I want to talk more about it I'm scared he got such a great hold on me that even typing this scares me I dnt really no how to remove myself I don't wk and can't get a job I'm stuck and Im starting to think he likes that all the while I'm thinking just be the best gf he ever had now i look in the mirror and dnt no who the girl is I'm lost please help I'm tired of fallig asleep crying hoping that the deamons in him won't bother me tmw since its a beganing of a new day I'm a good girl and he is brain washing me and after being a military chold you grow to just be obedient help me!!!

10:26 PM  

I will pray for you, please be strong and have faith

10:40 PM  

My dad put porn magazines and movies under my bed when I was 8. Me and my sister shared a room but had different beds. I found the porn one day and experimented with it. I really didn't know it was wrong. But it made me have a sexual interest very early in life. And there was other incidents when I started my period at 12 my dad beat my mom telling her to make it go away. And he would tell me I was allowed to lie naked in our front yard to tan and buy me very reveiling clothing. He always controlled what I ate, wore, listened to, watched and who I talked to till I was 17. When I was 16 I was at his house with him and his girlfriend when all of a sudden he started undressing when he got to his underwear his girlfriend asked him what he was doing and he acted like he didn't know I was there, even though he was looking at me the whole time. I have sexual problems to this day. And all I want to know is if this man abused me. I have no memory of my childhood before age 6. Plz someone help me

2:28 AM  

I'm headed that way...I'm scared of him...he's crazy

2:14 PM  

You need to get out of there before he seriously hurts you or the baby.

9:21 PM  

I remember describing my now recently expartner and father of my young son as a 'jeckel and hyde' and realise he had almost all of these traits. I am now happy and safe with my son living my home country after a final episode when everyone told me I was not allowed to return. Best thing I ever did was listen. Me and my child are very happy now. I have recently found out he got straight into another relationship after getting in touch to say he was sorry but had stolen my personal documents as he was 'angry.' police involvement got them back but he evidently just went with the first woman he seen - she looks very old for him. Hopefully she gets out before he turns on her too.

3:13 AM  

I think it's time you read more of this blog because I've made it very clear women can be abusers too.

Because 75% of victims are female and 25% are male most writers, like the one who wrote this article - writes in the male. Be smart enough to know these apply to female abusers too.

12:10 AM  

Wow. I wad having another melt down day yesterday. I am divorcing after a 21 year marriage of 21/28 of these items. He performs well in public eye and destroys me and our two sons at home and some public places too. He has become more daring lately. I made him move out end of april/ may 1. I have a 17 and 11 year old. Right now 11 year old sooooo angry with me because I want a divorce and made dad leave. I have always been the mama bear and did all pre k and homework, emotional support, positive ec en when dying of hurt and heartache on the inside. Daddy is God right now and I'm treated horrific by him right now. I see very similar behaviors coming out in him and scares me to death. Please help!!!!!

1:11 PM  

Well, I have to say I have gone through so many of these it almost seems like all of them in my short 4 years of marriage. I'm also a childhood survivor of pretty much most of them as well including sexual abuse.. Everything I do is wrong including taking care of my kids. I'm a stay at home mother of two and he military. When he gets off work he goes straight to hunting now 4 days a week including all day on Saturday. Spending really no quality time with them and only home when they are awake maybe 14 hours out of the week. Demands me to get a job..I have applied everywhere with no success..he spends money like leaves falling off the trees right now while I sit at home and spend none. Blames me for not having any and then always tries to buy a new vehicle or something. I'm fearful of where my children and I would go of we divorced.. I just lost my mom two months ago and my dad when I was only 8 months old.. I do not have anywhere to go but to his moms..noted he and I aren't from the same states.When my mom died and we were getting her things to move them he got mad at me and starting chewing me out and cursing me because I didn't thank him for helping. I admit I didn't but at that time I just lost my mom..and I was bery emotional and head of the estate with so much on my shoulders... he tried making it about him.. idk.. list could go on and on.. when he goes around our son or the dog the both hunker down like they are fearful. I know I should take my kids and go but what do you do when you have no place to go and have no job. Can't get one because it has to work with his schedule. Sorry for the vent..I have limited sources for support and trying to hold strong... he also tells me all the time he is going to divorce and take the kids. Sorry.. could go on all day..

6:12 AM  

Time to get out.. you have two babies and yourself you need to protect and keep safe. He most likely wont stop and will only get worse. Also you do not want him to begin to be like this with your little ones!! Praying for you!!

6:28 AM  

My husband is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. He has gone through all my personal finances, so that I am financially crippled. Any time I challenge him he blows up and threatens to have me committed--even though he's the one who hits and not just with his hands, objects--then he says it is my fault. He has separated me from my family with lies.I feel I can never escape with my children, he threatens to take them even though he is mean. Since I am disabeled he says I am too stupid and ugly to ever survive without him. A lawyer said since I comingeled my assets to keep the family afloat, I can never recover my funds, and cannot afford to leave. I feel hopeless.

1:29 AM  

I have been married 3times,my x-husbands have shown almost all the abusiv traits listed above.
I met my 1st husband in uni days,he wud do all my domestic chores as an admirer,b4 I knew it we were living together,in 6months we got married bcos he rushed me & loved him,wen I got pregnant,my hormones changed,he stopped wit helpin wit domestic chores,told me how ugly I was bcoming,he abused me verbally,and sexually,we had sex over 20times a day without any affection or foreplay,he beat me in public and tore my top,my boobs will pop out and he'll start mocking me,after our 1st baby I left him.
2nd husband was an angel,1yr after he grew wild,now I know I'm pretty,but faithful. He was so insecure,I had no communication wit d outside world,he sent my baby to his mom's so he cud abuse me as he wished. I didn't hav friends or family ties at all,he'll come home late daily from work & was always drunk & drugged up,he never opened d door himsef,he enforced a law that I must b d one to open door wen he's bak from work,he refused to ever use his spare keys,once I open d door,he pushes me down n puts his d**k forcefully in my mouth,slaps me around for not opening d door early,etc. When I'm cooking,he says I'm too slow n beats me up with sticks and throws things at me,once I try to run,he holds me down(he was 6ft 8,weighed 130kg),and has sex with me right there against my will. Sex wit him bcame like slavery,not d sweet romanc I knew b4. When he had guests,he'll make me walk around without underwears and transparent cloths,he sends me errands so I can walk around & bounce my boobs,then he'll scream at me y am I not well dressed,sends me to d bedrm & grabs me against my will,bites & pinches me,givin me obvious scars,and most times he forces d sex,he makes me scream so his pals hear,I'm humiliated,but I scream bcos he's punching & hurting me very hard during sex. I left him 6yrs after.
I fell in luv again with my boss,it started out as an office romantic affair,it transformed into a relationship,I was his secretary. We got married & topped work,I got pregnant quickly & had a baby & he changed,he was a 4th time divorcee,he'll lock me in & saymust b home as a mother,shut me off d world again,we had only sex,no relationship,we got a maid whom he was also sleeping wit,I don't know how she agreed to that,I found he's havin an affair wit his new secretary,always callin to monitor her after work in front of me,if I ask him y he's doing dat,he'll coil up to me,cuddle me,pretend like he's abt to explain nicely,d next tin I get is me pinned down,and lots of blows,bites and slaps from my husband,and then forced sex,even anal which I never had or wanted,he forced me,I bled a lot of times,he got me pregnant 4more times,every year was a baby,he said he liked my body more wen am pregnant & I'd keep havin babies till he says stop,he owns me,he's my god,I'm worthless & wil never b loved by another man apart frm him,he abused me,was going insane,our kids never knew this,I'm glad they didn't,but soon they found out. I honestly love this man,I have grown to like this treatment,I can't leave him,but I do not like d way he makes me feel less,I know he loves me,we live in a nice house,and he takes care of me after each beating he gives me. We're going to barbados for xmas hols,can I run away from him then?what about my kids?I have no money to care for them and they kind of love their father,he's a great dad,but I think I am getting accustomed to emotional and sexual abuse. It is not right,but I can't help it. Every night I yearn for d sex,but I don't want d violence that comes with d rigid sex,I wish he'll just stop d drug use and b my normal boss sir again. Some1 pls help,I can't leave him,he owns me. But I want to leave

5:45 PM  

I'm 4 months pregnant with a 7 month old baby. I used to flirt around in the past but changed and all I do is take care of my baby all day and all night. One day we will be fine and with the blink of an eye he flips and starts putting me down and telling me how all he does is use me for sex and that I'm so ugly and will ocasionally hit me. I love him so much and want to be a family. I just feel stuck.

11:25 AM  

I'm in an abusive relationship with my GF (we both females) I don't know what to do. .. she has said many times that she wants to kill me and that it's my fault and its always accusing me of cheating..I told her to leave and when she did, was telling me she had no place to go so I felt bad and let her in but now I'm scare

8:12 PM  

I recently left my controlling, abusive husband. We were married for 9 years and the last 4 he has become very aggressive verbally and wants me to have sex with other men. It started out as "pillow talk" and fantasy while having sex. One night he picked out my clothes and said I needed to go screw someone and come back to screw him. I didn't agree for along time, then I gave in. He never wanted to have sex with anyone, just wanted me to. As soon as I gave in , he becoming increasing jealous. Every minute of my day was questioned, every place I went was questioned. He would say nasty things to me and just try to destroy my self esteem, which was pretty much nonexistent .
I made a plan, to leave. I enrolled in the police academy and in 10 months I had a career that I could support my 2 children. I graduated , and found out I had breast cancer. I had bilateral mastectomy with total reconstruction, and 1 year ago this month I am cancer free. While healing from breast cancer survey #2 , he wanted me to go out and have sex. I said absolutely no! I was done with that. I asked him to leave in June until I found a suitable place to live with my kids? I got a job and found a little 2 bedroom house, I sleep on the couch. but I would sleep on the floor just to not have to live with him!
I am in counseling for myself. I now stand my ground with him, I've told him he will not control me again. He acts like we lived in 2 different relationships. We went to counseling together a few times and he warned me NOt to discuss his sexual perversion. So why go??
My goal in my career is to work with women and girls recognize abuse and find their voice and strength . Thanks for listening ladies, it's so good to not live with shame and disappointment in myself. stay strong!

9:28 PM  

I recently left my controlling, abusive husband. We were married for 9 years and the last 4 he has become very aggressive verbally and wants me to have sex with other men. It started out as "pillow talk" and fantasy while having sex. One night he picked out my clothes and said I needed to go screw someone and come back to screw him. I didn't agree for along time, then I gave in. He never wanted to have sex with anyone, just wanted me to. As soon as I gave in , he becoming increasing jealous. Every minute of my day was questioned, every place I went was questioned. He would say nasty things to me and just try to destroy my self esteem, which was pretty much nonexistent .
I made a plan, to leave. I enrolled in the police academy and in 10 months I had a career that I could support my 2 children. I graduated , and found out I had breast cancer. I had bilateral mastectomy with total reconstruction, and 1 year ago this month I am cancer free. While healing from breast cancer survey #2 , he wanted me to go out and have sex. I said absolutely no! I was done with that. I asked him to leave in June until I found a suitable place to live with my kids? I got a job and found a little 2 bedroom house, I sleep on the couch. but I would sleep on the floor just to not have to live with him!
I am in counseling for myself. I now stand my ground with him, I've told him he will not control me again. He acts like we lived in 2 different relationships. We went to counseling together a few times and he warned me NOt to discuss his sexual perversion. So why go??
My goal in my career is to work with women and girls recognize abuse and find their voice and strength . Thanks for listening ladies, it's so good to not live with shame and disappointment in myself. stay strong!

9:31 PM  

I know how you feel trust me girl...your not alone i also had a simliar situation.. .to yours stay strong for your kid's. And get a restraining. Order. .take him to. Court if he want to see his kids let them haddle it...and dont talk or text him stay. Away ...i hope my advice helps a lil��

3:03 PM  

A lot of these traits apply but I dont believe he will abuse me

2:40 AM  

I love my boyfriend too but I happen to love myself more. He is abusive to me..that's why I am leaving him. He doesn't know yet and I not telling him. He will come home from work soon and I'll be gone...and I can't waitto get the hell out!

5:23 PM  

My boyfriend checks into almost everything. its hard because we've been together for so long and i love him but he says he gets happy from hitting me especially infront of other people, he says he does it because he loves me and cares about me. Yesterday we went out on a date and we were walking on the road and i said i wanted to go back to the car because i was cold and only wearing a dress that he had me put on and he said no let's walk for a bit and i tried to pull away and he smacked me infront of so much traffic then pulled the hair out of my face and kissed me and said im sorry sweetheart i love you. And i didn't know what to do i just felt embarrassed and confused i just walked back to the car and he came with me and held my hand as i held back tears.

11:46 AM  

No what? I have 3 kids and no way out!

6:35 PM  

I love my husband but he is convinced that he is right and talks down to me I have 2 black eyes and he blame s me for my attitude when I'm simply standing up to his name calling I'm devastated we have a baby and I just want him to be normal but I'm going round a roundabout of abuse

9:33 AM  

Hi im 16 weeks pregnant and my partner treats me very badly, we have been together for 5 years on & off its always been abusive, not so much physically now that im pregnant but the emotional & mental abuse is very bad i cry all the time and feel so down i wish i had the courage to walk away

2:14 PM  

It's sad to see there are so many people in abusive relationships. Thanks for the tips.

6:14 AM  

My partner of about 15 months is about 23 of these.

I need to get out of this relationship! I've tried so many times but he hides my car keys...

4:35 AM  

Thank you. I was just going to post this! Read the whole blog people.

11:04 PM  

As a female... I disagree. You clearly have forgotten that the only reason it seems men do it more, is the fact that men unfortunately feel too ashamed to report to the police that their female partner is abusing them. Statistics, from crimes, are based upon reports made. Common sense alone would remind you that statistics cannot be based on things that are unknown. And you only know something, if you're told it...

12:07 PM  

My car is in the shop so my husband has been letting me use his truck to go to work and his boss picks him up but today he ended up having the day off. When I got home he was angry at me and he was in the pool with our daughter and he started calling me names and splashed me in my business clothes I was soaked. He then changed and went out for a couple hours when he got home he was still being nasty so I told him to go we were in the drive way he said to get out of his face so I started to back up and he grabbed my hands twisting my fingers trying to break them I pulled away and he kicked men in the stomach I said dont im trying to walk away then he kicked my legs out from underneath me and no fell down he punched me in the head leaving a lump over my eye i never real. Bruise he then stomped on my leg and spit in my face I was trying to crawl into the garage i got into the house and locked the doors my daughter was in there with my son im glad she didnt see anything I pay for everything except his truck payment I mean all the bills I pay I am educated and cant believe I have allowed myself to suffer like this we had 2.5 years when he didnt beat me he was sober and we could argue or debate without violence but not anymore he has low self esteem even though he is very good looking and funny no one would ever believe the monster he can be except the ex girlfriends he beat but they are all still in love with him its crazy. I dont my daughter to marry someone like him I hope he leaves me soon

10:04 PM  

My partner has 20 of this. I have 3 small kids under 3. When he is drunk he threatens to kill me or choose me or my kids that was last night. He is so abusive phusically and mentally.i want to get out no where to go. Ive got no jobs as ive just given birth

7:29 PM  

I'm 20 with 3 kids... my fiance fits all of them above. If I try to leave he trys to kill himself or gets really sick and end up in the hospital and threaten to take the kids away from me and put me on child support

11:02 AM  

How can i get out i am scard for my life help me god help me

9:32 PM  

I have already commented but it is not here.
Same guy nearly 30 years. Impotence since last century. I would never cheat as I love him. Yet I have only now figured out I have been not only used but mentally
& physically abused. I am very ill so this is clear passage for verbal & roughing me about. I have't the strength to fight this.
I have no confidence & am demoralized.
I still smile & keep up appearances but I am dead inside because of the continual put downs. I was sympathetic about the impotence but now being blamed I am over it. I just want to live on am island & die peacefully. Problem. I can't go anywhere without the third degree & phone calls checking up. Twenty years older. Stupid me. Now I will have to deal with a controlling invalid with memory loss. More probably I will go first I hope
Love never let it pass you. X

12:09 PM  

This is an excellent website for abusive relationships.

The list is a very good tool.

I have been though them with my ex.

The top one was sulking, if a man sulks be aware he is not hurt, not sad, he is steaming mad.

They creep in on you these abusers, it's subtle at first.
You always must be aware of these red flags when dating. You must also follow your gut and then have a long inner talk to find out why you gravitate towards these people. Than stop.

5:49 PM  

What are my rights by law when a spouse is doing things like hiding the car keys.disconnecting re cable/wifi box or changing password so I can't use

12:27 PM  

My husband beat me till I went with him to sign the marriage papers I left him so many times an he finds ways to get a hold of me an talk me back to bein with him he puts me down all the time sayin every other woman is better than me I have 2 children by him he saids I have no ass im fat he gets my son to hit me puts me down to our kids he used to rape me now he dont no more he does get mad though he chocked me put a knife up to my neck before he punches me alot an will try to break my jaw hes punched me so hard in my face I don't remember fallin on the ground he loves to call dcf falsely on me an lie I have no one u feel so alone

7:52 PM  

My wife threatens to cheat on me, and we fight a lot. I don't know what to do we are both abusive scoring to this list

9:03 AM  

I been with this guy for 8 months he has pulled my hair, force me to have sex a couple of times, he grabbed my neck once im scared of him i know i have to leave him alone .

10:28 PM  

I feel like I'm an abuser. I'm a female. I have a serious mental illness battleing depression and anxiety for a very long time. Living with a verbally abusive father my childhood life. And now having a phobia of men kidnapping me. And I'm seeing a physchologist every week to help me become a better individual towards my partner. He has given me the world and deserves love and compassion. Sometimes I wish he would leave me for all the hurtful things I have said and done. I've told him he would have a better life without me. I have attempted suicide for my family to be without me putting pain in the world. I hope working, finding new hobbies and seeing this dr. Help. I am sorry people like me exist in the shadows. No one deserves to be abused.

3:13 AM  

My wife meets every one of these criteria. Literally every single one, not just the top level one's but virtually all of the bullets underneath to. She says that I deserve it but when I ask why she always says "for being a jerk" or something like that; it's almost never anything specific and when it is it's ridiculous (ex: for turning off the Internet connection for a few minutes). She's broken my face, busted up my things, and even broken a few things on top of me. She made me give my well behaved dog away because she said "only a faggot would have a dog like that" (little dog, but nice). Our sex life is her waking me up in the middle of the night, drunk, which I don't mind so much though I'd prefer to be more awake and worry she'll turn violent during or after. Not sure what to say except that I don't think they need to modify this list except to make it gender neutral: there's a lot of men in my position apparently -- more women I think but still many, many men -- and the implicit assumption that it's only men is enabling a large number of abusers, hurting families, and keeping plenty of abusive woman from getting help which leaves them in a bad place.

3:19 AM  

My boyfriend is like this, he makes me feel so sorry for him because I am a empathetic person, he likes to do the blame game. I want to split so he can work on himself because we're about to have a baby and I don't want him trying to work his shit out around our baby. I just know he's going to get mean and violent and make it very very difficult to leave/move out, he'll act resentful and mean and pretty much treat me like shit. And I have so much I'm dealing with work/money wise. I hate people in our business but I feel like I'm going to go there just so I don't have to put up with a bunch of crap. I'm at the end of ny ropes, he drinks around the house when I tell him I don't want alcohol around our baby, he'll sneak it and lie. I wish he could just grow up and have some self pride. Sigh

4:50 PM  

I just counted 37. Yes. Thirty seven. But he doesn't hit me. That's why I've had to walk away from so many people who continue to blame the victim (me) and support him. I'm getting professional help x 3 agencies currently. I have a plan. I'm still living with him. But he's "cured", right? Only because the cat got outta the bag and I started telling anyone who would listen what he was doing to me. He's on his best behaviour because people are watching him. Sadly though..He's still manipulative and convincing so many that I'm the problem.

9:03 AM  

Realy this article is very helpful to realize your actual position in merriage life and know the truth.

1:01 PM  

My boyfriend is controlling the only reason why I'm staying is because I'm pregnant. I honestly cant do this no more .. I can't shower alone or be in the bathroom alone while I try do my hair. Can't wear nice clothing .. I feel so trapped that I feel like running away from this relationship. Counseling would not help this relationship at all. His mom even tried to talk to him several time but he's peere selfish.

2:01 AM  

I think thats already obvious seeing as it is described at the bottom of the article. Either your blind or enjoy your two cents.

3:54 PM  

My father has displayed 11/28 of these. Sometimes I love him to pieces, but he is SUPER strict, and doesn't like it when I go on my phone or do anything for fun. He demands I always study and whenever I disagree with him he threatens to punch my face and he starts to curse at me. It gets tiring.

1:11 PM  

i am married but am not with him i have a boyfriend who i love so very much but everytime i talk to my husband who i do not want to be with he gets angry he starts calling me a two dollar whore tells me he doesnt care what i do tells to go out and suck you know what and tells me he dont want me i love him very deeply i dont want to lose him but when he isnt mad at me he loves me my friend says he doesnt love me because of the things he says to me

2:25 AM  

This sounds exactly like the start of my relationship that ended about 2 and a half weeks ago. He is going to court next week for assaulting me. It wasn't the first time. This article sums up his behavior over time but he prided himself on being a "gentleman". He choked me to the point I couldn't breathe and slammed me up against a wall as well as damaged my home and car. He then blamed me and said he barely touched me. That's how it ended - run.

1:26 AM  

My bf fits a lot of these we have a child together so it makes it hard to leave him. We have been fighting for the past five months we get into arguments quite a few turn violent. He calls me terrible names. He's pushed me a lot he picked up my sons toy ATV while I was on the floor cleaning a drink he threw at me he acted like he was going to throw it on me,and he's thrown Keyes at me which hit me hard and made me bleed, one time we were arguing he put his hand on my throat(scared the hell out of me) he's thrown drinks on me twice and just today he threw a dresser drawer at me thank god it missed me, made a huge hole in my wall though. We live together so if I leave I have no where to go. When we aren't fighting every thing is amazing he's a good dad I'd hate to separate the family. I really do love him but this is crazy. Any advice? Plz no rude comments.

3:30 PM  

I have a child two years old in October we aren't married. We've been together a few years but the past five months have been hell and I don't know if I should leave. Like I said we have a child together and I don't want to separate the family. We've been in numerous arguments. Some turn violent iv been pushed, he put his hand on my throat (which scared the hell out of me,) he took my Keyes by sitting on me in the car and digging his elbow into my chest iv gotten marks and scratches he threw a keychain and made me bleed just today he threw a dresser drawer at me thank god it missed me, it put a huge hole in my Wall. He calls me bitch and terrible names when we fight. I stay at home to take care of our son and go to school at night its getting kinda hard to deal with everything. Its very hard to leave because when we don't fight everything is perfect and if i leave i have nowhere to go.I really love him but I just don't know. Any advice ? Plz nothing rude.

3:58 PM  

well that was very Interesting and yes even I am a woman I agree that there are women's too that abuse the relationships or kids or even worse vise versa I would say. I experienced it as a child. My father, mother and 9 children had been witnessed my father abusing us all. I am not an abuser I Am against it and really right at this moment, I have been with a man that Abuses me and not just one abuse. It seams like he is even like a Master of some sort. Findig websites lookin for thats one there are milions that he visit his pictures naket all over the internet and lie, sneeks, all the evil things you just dont know when he exploded. I ca not even talk i am very smart and not stupid what he things I do got a game plan to escape. I am in search of a place where my child and i can go. we live in TX it has to be either fort worth, burleson, or tyler area. I just tell you all its not good to stay with a man that abuses you and just looking around reading about a man that one moment is nice they other moment he is accusing me everything is bad and has sex with other iam the weekend deal and of course i can not say I know i found out slowly i have no car lost my home because of him and i am in a bad situation he is in control of everything and manipulate me where he can. I am on end of my rope I just need someone that could direct me to my escape plan.Isn't that crazy you read that and think wow feel sorry for her or what ever don't feel sorry its my fault that I trusted him. All i hope someone out there in this world that could help us to move in to our own home or escape to our new place so I can separate myself from his evil things he is doing. If you know of any places for rent to own or a house thats for rent I have a dog and she must go with me because we lost everything 3 cats 2 dogs I used to rescue animals. I just tell you if you find yourself in this situation try to escape its the best if there is nothing good then why stay happiness is the key. I will check from time to time to see if anyone could actually direct me to escape this person. if you do write to

my name Adam&Eve
its a site where others like you and me also experienced that and need help look for your self

4:19 PM  

Lmao,,,u just took the words right out of my mouth,,,people and their rambling

11:27 AM  

The first thing my husband did to abuse me was keeping me away from family and friends. ESPECIALLY male friends. I couldt have calls or texts after he got home, even from HIS mother. Then he shattered my face when he beat me the night we burried my best friend. I had a broken face for months. He shattered my wrist, and beat a baby out of me. Finally I got him out. Now he wants to come home after 8 months of cheating. I'll be dead before a year is over if I do. Sad thing is??I still love him

10:02 PM  

That man is an absolute PIG. An ABSOLUTELY SCARY PIG. Please find counseling. There is no shame to you at all. Love is NOT sex, sex is NOT love. It's an act of love, with your partner. That's someone who has hurt you permanently. Best of wishes, honey. I pray for you

10:07 PM  

they all suck I just think they not change never so you need to stop and take the chance to start fresh and leave him is better than saying i think he cheats help me and what can I do all that you need to change and say I am better then you my children don't need to see that and be one day like him give your children a better live don't be selfish and think you always will be alone without a partner a good partner isn't true you find a decent person that knows how to be with you and your kids. I am just really done I will leave him and he dont even know when the bomb drop on his selvish crap. Sorry I don't believe that a man pass 20 will ever change ...they need to loose you for good I have been in and out with him because he said he change he did not he is worse then before he now is really manipulating the situation and I will stop this crap so should you don't let them be in control... Love ya all and hope God will give you plenty to hold on to pull true and to make it he will he always will ..

8:24 AM  

My bf told me he is best friends with this party girl 15 years younger than him. He said they had sex once then a week later told me they only fooled around. He also had naked pictures of his x g/f that he swears he forgot he had. If I confront him about lying, he screams at me and his eyes turn black. What do I do?

10:13 PM  

Yep, I just got strangled by him for the first time -- both hands around my neck for about 5 seconds. I wish, on a daily basis, that karma would strike him dead! He was upset I wouldn't give him oral "pleasure" and said that men have needs and get upset when they are not met. I am pretty sure he's actually CRAZY! Unemployed, I bring in the money, yet he won't respect me and tells me my job sucks, and told me I probably COULD find a new man if I had a bag over my head. Real nice.

12:23 AM  

Hope you filed a POLICE REPORT on him for strangling you. Do it before he kills you.

7:16 AM  

I dated a man who was verbally physically and emotionally abusive he was a bleeding lunatic.

11:28 PM  

So. My. Baby dad came down stairs and smackk me ,in the face then he got a attitude cuz I smacked him back and he jumped up like mr get bad talkin bout. I a smack the shit. Outa u and u no I will . I said u ain't gone smack shit

6:44 PM  

his article is brought to light one or two of the behaviors that I'm guilty of which I am committed to rectifying it I do appreciate it knowledge of such things is all that's necessary I have a girl I love very much that exhibits many more the behaviors that I was not aware of hiding keys at mail etcetera etcetera I'm not afraid of any physical harm but I am afraid because of the constant accusations of me cheating and constant hiding of my things controlling issues manipulating time when I'm latepushing my buttonsand I mean pushing my buttonsI've never entertained thoughts of physical aggression towards females its just not in me to do it shocking that I have them and I am shamed of them but she won't let me leave I'm trying to leave when I have my feel that fire building inside me and it's almost as if she wants me to be like the other garbage bag she dated and put up with is that logical as a matter of course I beat the hell out of abusive men when I encounter it I'm not proud of that I've done a little bit of small time for it and I ain't changing itthere have been times when I've gotten the beat down myself a time or two until I get a bead on his weak spotit is something that I will not abide and cannot be made of ID I just would like to know if you females can give me any insight and do anything that I can say or do other than the changes mentioned above and I must make those things like you want a fresh one or the next one flies on its own I thought I was just playful but I see that perhaps I'm reinforcing old fears I love the girl she's a good'n and any sacred knowledge you children of the moon can impartwill be warmly welcomed my ego is not involved because my heart is in charge of this one

4:15 AM  

My goodness, you are lucky to be alive. From my own experience, it is very hard to just up and wall away when you have kids.i did find the strength and like you, I'm fortunate to be alive. I noticed my boys were trading their sisters like daddy treated mommy. Worse, I noticed my girls being submissive like me and taking the abuse. I filed for divorce. 3 weeks after having him served with the divorce papers and an order of protection, he showed up and held a gun to my face in front of our children. That was the last straw. I had gone out as well and gotten a gun. I pulled my from the small of my backand held it up towards him. I also had my phone in the other hand and had contacted the police. By showing my children that it is OK to defend yourself, I also showed him he no longer had the power to scare me anymore. Good luck, prayers go out to you. Find strength in the love you have for your children.

5:01 AM  

I'm proud of you ladies. After 17 years and the only person I had ever been with through adolescence and adulthood, I said enough. I posted above, just wanted to let you know that there are genuine people out here that care for your well being.

5:05 AM  

This is an unnecessary comment. Not to mention rude, check yourself.

8:27 PM  

I just went to court today, my. boyfriend assaulted me, punched my head & elbowed me in the face, judge said there wasn't much evidence so he got away with it...I'm disgusted that he got away with it. did I mention, he has choked me. cut up my clothes, punched me in the nose,mouth, Ohh & has tried to choke my son in the past to. Fuck the justice system. I can't sleep, justice wasn't served.

10:32 AM  

Go to a domestic violence or women's Shelter. They will help you with anything you need. If this is not possible go to the police station. They will also help you with whatever you need. You could go to a church. Most will at least be able to help you for a few days and send you in the right direction. There are many options. Know that you aren't alone. You just have to find the people who will help. But u must leave. Today. Or he will surely kill you. It never gets better. It always escalates. He does not view you as an autonomous human being, and that is a very dangerous mentality in a violent person. He put your very delicate, growing baby at risk. Repeatedly. Not to mention, he or put your life at risk too. Leave. Today. Don't even bother packing your stuff. Just go. Good luck and God bless.

1:08 PM  

Hi just read your post I'm so.pleased you had the strength to get away from
Your abusive x
And you have been through so much you are a strong lady!
I have just gotten.out of a relationship with a guy I knew for 12 years, I loved him so much but he used my sense of trust and love to serially and emotionally abuse me I used to say to him I don't want see outside and I dint want to wear see threw clothes and I used to say I just want to wear clothes I feel comfortable in and also I was pestered to have set with other people and I said I didn't want to but he was a set addict and all he would say is its just fun I love you but now I know he is a psychopath and doesn't have real feelings he mentally manipulated me into doing things and at the time I knew they were wrong but I loved him so much, and every time I tried to leave him he started with the suicide threats and how he couldn't live without me he's very manipulative and when we were out with friends he acted like a totally different person it was so strange and I found it so confusing I'm just so glad I got away from him and I have met a normal caring loving guy who treats me like a princess and when we go out the whole night isn't based on what he wants me to wear it's just normal and he doesn't care what I'm wearing he just loves me whatever

12:24 PM  

Thank you very much for this article. How sad that so many felt the need to express that women fit this profile too when it is very clear directly at the end. I have been with the man of my dreams and silently suffering his narcississtic behavior for five yrs. I am done. He fit every last one of these points & I have been busting my ass to save us both, turning into a basket case in the process as he calls me whore every time I get a phone call or text. Sucks up my resources and screams at me about being selfish. I cannot afford him. I have become suicidal as he runs roughshod all over every aspect of me and my life. Thank God we have no children! I've left him for good this time. I am no longer tempted to list the bruises and permanent scars I have collected in loving him. Yes love is long does not hurt you!!!

10:23 PM  

My bf is a great guy but he happens to think that he can have sex with me anytime he wants to. I tell him no or later but he just continues to do sexual stuff to me and he will have sex with me no matterwhat i say or do. I just cry quietly or write about it in my journal.But he does say i love u during or after so he's not trying to hurt me he just wants to make love. I have no idea what to do.

12:23 PM  

I am to the point where Im scared to death. Literally, just scared. I need help. Ive been manipulated into nothing and I recongnize it. I need to get out and I dont know how. Im scared for his children who have a neglectful and abusive mother. Im on my knees praying for a way to get out. Im so done. My children need me. I feel like a failure......

3:10 PM  

Im 20 years old and. My husband is 31 i never thought id be in this situation but he physically and emotionally abuses me. Just last night he choked me multiple times I really felt like I was going to die this time he always tries to make eye contact with me while he's choking me its like he enjoys it. if i start to cry he'll cover my airways and tell me to shut the f**k up, leaving is impossible he always finds me and brings me back with threats. I feel such hatred and resentment towards him just feeling his hands on me makes my blood boil and he knows. When I'm upset he purposely wants to be intimate. Like right after choking me and pulling my hair he'll rip my clothes off and if I try to resist he'll choke me until I almost pass out so that he could more easily rip them off. Then after everything is said and done he tells me I liked it. He tells me none of this would happen if I just acted right and didn't make him mad. Then this morning he comes up to me in the kitchen and asks "so are you going to ignore me and have attitude all day?" I HATE him!!!

5:23 PM  

Good for you!!! I am leaving my boyfriend too. he fit way more than two. I don't intend to tell him either will just move on.

11:02 AM  

my wife its at least 3 of this ones.. holy fuck

5:40 PM  

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