Sanctuary for the Abused
Sunday, June 01, 2014
28 Signs of An Abuser
1. Unemployed or Underemployment.
Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.
2. Emotional Dependency.
Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.
3. High Investment in Marriage.
Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.
- Violates your personal space.
- Intimidates you by getting too close.
- Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.
- Sweeps you off your feet.
- Love at first sight.
- "You're the only one for me."
- "I have to have you." "I think about you all day / all night"
- Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged, sleeping together in less than 6 months or living together in less than 12 months.
- Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long.
- Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses.
- Protective to the point of controlling.
- Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares."
- Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school. Won't let you drive.
8. Abusive Family of Origin.
Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.
9. Low Self-Esteem.
- Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho.
- Pumps up his fragile sense of self with sex.
- Imagines you threaten his manhood.
- Damages your self-esteem, demeans your growth, demands your silence.
- Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high.
- He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.
- Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately.
- He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry.
- He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
- Blame Shifts; he's never responsible for what happens.
- Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim.
- Blames you for everything that goes wrong.
- Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you.
- Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive or sexual- acting-out behavior.
Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.
14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.
15. Unrealistic Expectations.
- Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need").
- Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.
- Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him.
- Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs.
- Speaks for you.
- He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.
18. Disrespect for Women in General.
- Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men
- Tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes).
- Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy
- Sees women only as sex-objects, uses prostitutes or has affairs
- De-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.
- He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid"
- curse and yell at you
- belittle your accomplishments
- manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics
- humiliate you in private or public
- Uses sarcasm and says it's 'humor.'
- regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or
- wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
- An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot.
- Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car.
- He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."
- Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives or other women often have an abundance of pornographic literature, internet bookmarks, magazines, or videos.
- They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
- They may coerce you into doing things sexually you are uncomfortable with or wouldn't normally do and then say that you "liked it" or "asked for it."
- Refuses platonic relationship if dating
- uses "playful" force in sex
- uses sulking, sympathy or anger to manipulate you into having sex
- emotionally coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex
- demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or
- starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.
- Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, disabled weaker people or other women.
- Is insensitive to others' pain.
- Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you.
- Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave.
- Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you.
- Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).
Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).
25. Fascination with Weapons.
Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others. Tells you he knows how to kill someone and/or how to hide bodies; or that he has 'friends' who will 'take care of you'.
26. Threats of Violence.
- Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously.
- He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck" or "I'm out to get you now."
- Posts threats or defamatory material about you on the internet.
Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."