Sanctuary for the Abused
Tuesday, July 02, 2019
Blaming the Victim
The first thing the victims of narcissists need to know is that they are not to blame.
Not one bit.
In other words, he didn't get mad because dinner was was late. She didn't blow up because you are "too this" or "too that." You didn't "ask for it" by speaking up and saying that you deserved some attention and respect.
The narcissist attacked you just because you are there, period. Don't you have a right to be there?
Let's get real. Narcissists think they have a right to punish you just for being the way you are. Think, don't you have the right to be the way you are? Do you have to be some character in the narcissist's fiction that conforms to his or her specifications?
Does that make any sense? That's as hateful as the crime against humanity of attacking people just for being a certain KIND or nationality.
The narcissist attacks because he or she is a predator, period. Predators attack any vulnerable prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the one bit to blame.
It would make as much sense to blame a sheep for getting attacked by a wolf. So what if the wolf says, "I attacked her because she is an obnoxious sheep!" What idiot falls for that line? Yet narcissist sympathizers are doing precisely this and are therefore being irrational.
The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period.
They do it to vaunt themselves on others. It gives them a high. Like as in a high from a hit on drug.
Does this mean you are a saint? Of course not. Does it mean you have never said or done anything in an argument with a narcissist that you should regret? Of course not.
You are like a bank teller who gets shot in a holdup. You are totally innocent of getting shot. Don't let the sloppy thinkers like narcissists and their sympathizers convince you that you are to blame because you were rude, or because you were embezzling, or because you are a drug addict. All that is irrelevant TO HIM SHOOTING YOU.
Of course you should change those things about yourself, but the "intellectual" clowns who make out your character flaws as justifying abuse of you are complete idiots unable to see the relationship between cause and effect.
- Being late with dinner is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you.
- Being "too this" or "too that" for his taste is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you.
- Demanding decent and respectful treatment is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you.
Narcissists attack you just to do it. You are therefore 100% innocent of your victimization.
Blow off this absurd "It takes two to Tango" crap.
Blow off this absurd "It takes two to Tango" crap.
Doubtless, you will discover that there are certain things you should stop doing. Good. Now you wise up and stop being manipulated in ways that play right into the narcissist's hands. Now you cannot be victimized.
THIS is how you stop being a victim.
But foggy-headed idiots (like those espousing the co-dependence theory) try to claim that you stop being a victim by pretending that you have never been made one. That's crazy.
That is magical thinking, like the narcissist's.
You HAVE been made a victim. That's a FACT, like it or not. And "victim" is not a dirty word. Though being a victim is nothing to aspire to and is something to avoid, being a victim is NOT a sin. It is nothing to be ashamed of.To the contrary, the most innocent are the most unsuspecting and most easily victimized... until they have learned the hard way not to assume that other people are good. And these foggy-headed idiots who blame the victim should be able to see that. (Maybe if they stopped thinking in buzzword-laden slogans, like robots, they would.)
As I’ve said in other posts, the victim WILL feel shame for bending over for it, to the extent that he or she failed to resist as much as possible. And, as I’ve said, this is why the victim must never be condemned for fighting back.You stop being a victim by wising up so that you are never again victimized. It requires nothing beyond COMMON SENSE to realize that.
But, come on, knuckling under to abuse isn’t the same thing as liking it and wanting it. Normal people may knuckle under. But only sick-in-the-head people could like it and ask for it. So, my hunch is that cases of co-dependence in narcissism are either rare or never occur.
People ASSUME that the victim wants abuse in their IGNORANCE of the real and understandable reasons why the victim doesn’t fight back or run away.
In some cases, the narcissist has stolen something of value from you, like your job or reputation - something you have every right to get back from the damned thief.
You stop being a victim when you win justice and get it back, period.
FOR MORE ON THE FALLACY OF CO-DEPENDENCE CLICK HERE
SOURCE
Labels: blame the victim, codependence, cycle of abuse, get over it, irresponsible, magical thinking, manipulation, move on, narcissist, pathological, psychopath, ptsd, shame, sociopath, trauma
3 Comments:
Love this post! My abusive husband did not need to ever, ever treat me or my children the way he CHOSE to. He made a choice.
Just recently I filed for divorce and he filed a counter claim, of course. I told my counselor I probably am to blame for that because there is a wonderful Christian man in my life who is a great friend and my husband probably found out. My counselor said, "whoa, time out! Remember what we've been working on for the last two years? You ARE NOT TO BLAME for his behavior and that includes all of this now. He MADE a choice, period."
Yep, gotta somehow let go of that, time to separate myself from his behavior and choices.
I am an adult male. I was sexually attacked by one of my daughters friends... but before I had a chance to tell talk to my wife about how to address the parent of the attacker I got a call from the police that I was the aggressor. after I was interrogated by the police I found out that I was (falsely) accused of merely saying something inappropriate... and the attacker had ADMITTED to the assault.
the police woman involved told me that it didn't matter that I was attacked... and later the DSS agent who came to talk to our family told me that "it was irrelevant that I was attacked" this whole process took over 5 months in which I spent most of the time crying and feeling abused by the system and the attacker... who got off without a single reprimand... I'm the victim of not only the attacker but also by the police and DSS... the very government that's supposed to protect me told me my well being doesn't matter and is irrelevant. I'm having trouble with simply finding the will to live... how can anyone live in a world where violent people can get off simply by blaming their victims?
I appreciate this post... it gives me a little more courage to hang on... I have to try so hard every day just to take care of my wife and kids... whom have been so supportive... but I still cry every day... being a victim of 3 different things just makes it so much harder than just 1... I just wish there was something more I could do... I don't feel like justice was done... and I especially don't feel that the detective woman nor the DSS agent should keep their jobs... as they are heartless, sexist, uncaring demons that will haunt my nightmares forever...
I would have loved to file charges against these corrupt government agents but my lawyer told me that they'd claim that my depression and sorry was just from feeling guilty... that no one ever believes men get assaulted by women... even though it happens quite often... especially to the more fragile, sensitive and weak men such as myself...
In case anyone cares, their names are Detective Tracy A. Galis and DSS Agent Alix Bradley.
The authorities have not been properly trained in personality disorders. They treat all incidents as a matter of fact and decide whom they will prosecute. The victims of the crimes committed by the eivil disordered personality is rarely punished. A great example is family court. Narcissistic parents are grandiose and "love bomb" the court officials, while the ex spouse is in a trauma state, displaying various emotional trauma symptoms: depression, shock, anger, etc. The untrained court official sees the victim as acting "crazy" while the narcissist looks like a "saint". These "so called" professionals continue to inflict truama upon the families. These narcissists are pure evil. Other narcissists recognize each other and always support the narcissist. They wear a mask of sanity, but behind that mask is great rage and destruction. They are easy to recognize once you begin to study their traits. One major trait is that they always blame others. If you are the target of the narcissistic blamer, know that you are not the only victim. There are countless victims. I am thankful for these posts which help others to recognize evil behaviors. What is devestating is that the body absorbs a shock. Your mind can process the insult, but the body needs special care to heal the autonomic nervous system response to this injury.
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