Sanctuary for the Abused

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Abusive Narcissistic Parents

A person that is narcissistic might have certain characteristics that makes life very difficult for their child. This type of parent can be very self-centered. While narcissistic parents cannot be generalized to say that all will behave the same way, there are abusive narcissistic parents.

For example, a narcissistic father might turn their child down when asked to race, since the parent believes that they alone will win the race. The father might tell the child he won’t race because he will win anyway. This parent might also be very angry should they lose the race; thus, placing blame on their child.

Another example is that of the narcissistic mother. When her child wants to help her in the kitchen or with other chores, the mother might continuously belittle the child and tell them that they can’t do anything right.


How then, does narcissism affect the child? While I have been made aware that not all narcissistic parents are the same, I do believe the child can suffer a great deal with this type of parent, especially if they are not seeking help for the narcissism. The child might feel as though they can do nothing right. They may feel that they continually fail their parent, since that is the message that might be sent by their narcissistic parent. The child might also withdraw inwardly, so that they cannot be barraged with negative comments and statements by their abusive parent.

Children of narcissistic parents that are abusive, must be on guard constantly. They must strive to do their very best in school, for fear of being told how successful their parent was in comparison. A child that struggles with their schoolwork has it hard at home, since the narcissistic parent might go on and on about their own successes, creating a sense of shame for the child.


Another way that narcissism affects the child is that of the emotions. For example, a child that is being bullied at school has a variety of strong emotions they feel. Sadly, the narcissistic parent might not know how to show sympathy or empathy towards their child, since they can be so self-absorbed. Their child is then left to defend themselves and to not show any emotion, since the narcissistic parent might not acknowledge the child’s emotions. This can have huge effects on the child. It is as though their narcissistic parent expects them to not feel. When they do feel strong emotions, they are not accepted by the parent.

The child of narcissistic parents might find themselves feeling as though they want to quit, since they can’t measure up. They might feel as though they are nothing but a failure, since they can’t do as good as their parents supposedly did in school. Some children, as they grow older in this environment, may turn to self-injury.

If you are involved in the life of a child that has narcissistic parents that are abusive, please do all that you can to offer them constant praise and acceptance. Help them to know that they are not the problem in this relationship.

Lastly, report the verbal and emotional abuse to the authorities. There is no form of abuse that is worse than another. Abuse is abuse and the child deserves to receive help.


SOURCE

Narcissists-Suck - written by the child of a Narcissistic Mother


FACEBOOK GROUP for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers (must be totally No Contact and in Current therapy)

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shared by Barbara at 12:08 AM


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10 Comments:

I'm so glad there are people like you who are speaking out about this problem. Continue your good work!

12:38 AM  

There is no way to know how the little boy is actually treated at home, except you know that the father who has custody has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

7:03 PM  

I know what it is like. When I lived with my father and his new wife. His new wife would make fun of me and locked me in my room for no apparent reason. Even did things to me that she said if I told anyone that she would kill me in my sleep. Even when she did some of these things my father was present and did not do a single thing about it. It it was like 9 years ago and I'am over it and can't do a single thing about it now.

6:48 PM  

how could a lifetime of therapy never find that one! it only in black and white Thank You!

10:04 PM  

Thank You for what you said Anonymous! I am a grown woman but my father remarried when I was in my 40s. The woman has been who is very selfish and greedy, she has tried to turn me against my sister because she doesn't like her. Her daughters refer to themselves as his step-daughters and make comments about how they act more like their daughters than we do. people don't always know who we are think we are neighbors and my Dad never says a word to defend us

11:48 PM  

My mother married when my brother and I were too young to know that she married someone who was not our natural father. They let us grow up a few years calling him daddy. She broke the news right before walking out the door to go sign adoption papers. What was the big secret all that time? So much for letting us in on the decision-making process.

He would call us, "dumb, stupid kids, who were never going to amount to nothing" all the time. Yes, bad English and all! She would object some, but never was able to do much, because he treated her the same way.

Nothing was ever his fault.

Even after the divorce, and 25 years of marriage, he still talks about us to his now current wife. Initially, she paraded around bragging about being my mother's replacement. I wonder where she got that idea? The "monster" of course. The current wife happens to be someone I went to high school with. She is a couple years younger than I. She did however, have an intimate relationship with my brother back then.

She repeated things the "monster" told her about my brother, when he was ill and in a medically-induced coma. She did however,forgot to mention, her own motivation, and her own intimate history with my brother. I think she thought he was going to die, and that secret would go to the grave.

He didn't, and recovered. That one came back to bite her. He sure told everyone.

Sometimes, I think the "monster" and his new wife couldn't deserve each other more. But that just doesn't seem to be enough.

I wish I could move on, but it seems hard. There's some kind of hump I can't seem to get over, no matter how hard I try.

Can anyone provide some suggestions?

12:10 PM  

Such a concise article that so adaptly sums up the outcome of children abused by narcissits/psychpoaths. The other great article that fills in many blanks is the one about adults who were shamed as children.

Fear. Constant self-doubt, introspection, overthinking every single action. It's emotionally, spiritually, and many times even physically paralyzing what psychopaths do to those of us with a conscience. We will spend the rest of our lives battling the words that are in our minds and hearts, that were uncaringly and unrepentantly put there by psychopaths/narcissists. And all the while the psychopaths blithely go on, feeling sorry for themselves when all desert them, or playing the never-satisfying games of manipulation and domination.

10:39 AM  

I am posting this in two parts. The first part will be below the second part in the comments. I hope it is understood that I am only trying to help as I have been down this road for decades and may have something to add. This is a great blog. Bravely done. And well done too!

Part One:

My response will not be accepted by all because it will sound like I am encouraging some people to go back into an abusive situation. I am not

proposing that at all. If you are dealing with people who will take you down like a lion on it's prey... Who will hurt you if you step up and try

to have a voice, then do not do what I am suggesting. But if not, and the following rings true, please consider it.

Estrangement has run in my family for several generations. It has affected us down through the years when it could have been stopped if we, as a

family, had skills to deflect it. And had resources to help us. But we didn't.

I am speaking of a cumulation of over 200 years of dealing with this problem in our generations. Estrangement is like death. It feels good to do

it because we cut off that source of bad feelings. But we take something unrelolved with us. If you can resolve it, it will be much better.

What we do know is that when someone hurts us we do not want to be hurt again.

My parents had definite narcissistic traits that hurt me deeply. However, I came to peace about it and about them when I spent several years in

counseling. My own change caused my own mother to change. And for the first time, at the age of 80, she began to defend me. And celebrate me as a

human being. Did I get everything I wanted from her? Of course not. But if I had run away and not tried we would still be in a very painful

interaction with each other.

When my parent were young, they were just selfish children with their own unresolved needs. Children trying to raise other children. When

immature people raise children, those kids have no choice but to go through the rocky waters with them. Sadly unfortunate. But the parents are

still human beings. And still have a right as much as anyone else to grow out of their childish selfishness. It's just that they tried to raise

me during the first years of their own journey. If this rings true, please read on. If you know your parents play too many games and will never

allow you to emerge in their eyes without hurting you, then this may not apply.

Before you cut your parents off, realize they could change. Not very fast, most of the time. Frustratingly so! But you could actually be a key to

helping them. How? Stand up for yourself and draw boundaries that teaches them who you are.

Sounds incredibly hard. Yes, they will object. Why? Because at this point you are still their baby. But you can educate them that you have your

own life now. The key is establishing with them the clear understanding that you will respect each others boundaries as adults now. They will

fight it at first because they see you one way. But. It is up to you to tell them otherwise. It may take months or years of trying. However,

getting out of prison is a time consuming job.

End of Part 1

6:43 PM  

Part 2

You must be a strong person to break out. The voice of reason with uncompromising boundary setting. But you must do it with patience and love.

Not fury. If you blow your cool, try again. You are also emerging. Everyone is in this scenerio!

The best feeling you will ever experience is when you stand up strong over time and say, "I choose to be me around you on my own terms because I

am my own person. These are my boundaries. If you cross them it will make me uncomfortable. And I don't want to feel that way. So here is what I

want you to do... Please respect it so we can have a good relationship. Then expect them to go to pieces the first few times. But stand your

ground patiently in with love. Your parents may not be total narcissists. They may just be unaware there is a better way.

That is completely different than the narcissist's raging message: "If you make me feel uncomfortable I will make you feel uncomfortable." If you

know they will hurt you, don't try reasoning with them or standing up in this way.

Best case scenerio is to find a good counselor where you can get strength. Very best is if your parents eventually go with you. University

hospitals sometimes have free or low cost programs with grad students doing the counseling. That is a good possibility.

It may take months, it may take years to train others to your freedom. Which is your right. But you are also training yourself. To be strong and

not run away.

I hope this helps someone. It's not the answer for everyone. But I think it is an angle you never hear in discussions like this. Please realize I

am not suggesting everyone try this. Only those who believe it can work without them being abused for trying.

Thank you!

6:44 PM  

Completely captured what I felt while living with my father. I felt like I was never good enough. He expected so much of me and put me down if I messed up. He told me that the bullying was my fault, that I was too stuck up, too unlikable. I'm afraid to have children in the future for fear that I will treat them the same. I am still afraid, even if he doesn't live with us anymore. I still have dreams where he shows up and yells at me, or beats me and I wake up crying, shivering, afraid. What can I do?

5:56 AM  

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