Sanctuary for the Abused
Friday, June 01, 2018
PORN: Count The Cost
Many men dream of owning a bigger home, a vacation home or even of the possibility of purchasing a second house as investment property.
It’s a sad but astounding reality that the average financial cost incurred by a man involved in compulsive, secret sexual activity is the value of a house in his neighborhood – it has cost him that dream, that piece of property!
How is that possible? First, the obvious tangible cost: purchasing porn, strip clubs, prostitutes, legal and medical expenses, guilt spending, and possibly divorce or loss of employment costs. Those all add up over the years.
But even more profound are the unseen costs: lack of productivity in your career, missed job opportunities, working in a job underneath your abilities, loss of creativity and energy. Then there’s the cost of chasing your fix or running away from consequences of your behavior. Financial immaturity plays a large role, as there is little focus on the wise investment of your earnings, and often lots of “have it now” spending.
In the process of helping thousands of men confidentially break free from the tractor beam of porn dependency and all its associated destructive behaviors, we conduct what the military calls BDA – Bomb Damage Assessment – an honest assessment of what the impact of his compulsive sexual behavior has cost him;
- Financially (actual monetary cost)
- Relationally (loss of important relationships)
- Emotionally (stunted maturity)
- Physically (sexually transmitted diseases)
- Spiritually (loss of one’s true destiny), and,
- His legacy (children following in their father’s footsteps)
The hope in conducting BDA with a man is that it will help him come to his senses and to stay in that reality; for men who get help and overcome pornography compulsion often dramatically increase their financial status living lives of hope, prosperity, purpose and fulfillment as they no longer live in a false reality.
Clay Allen is the president of AVENUE, a nonprofit organization that equips men to live lives of sexual integrity.
For more information, click here
Labels: addiction, cost, disconnect, immaturity, loss, narcissist, porn, psychopath, reality, stopping
Friday, May 11, 2018
Pornography: Where's the Harm?
disconnection from reality
Pornography and sexual fantasy are often used to escape from reality, to cope with the stresses of life. But avoiding life's problems ultimately leads to more, not less, stress. And coming to believe, through porn's false messages, that unfeeling and exploitative sex is okay and even good, is a serious and dangerous disconnection from reality.
disconnection from normal human relationships
Pornography, by its nature, objectifies and dehumanizes the people it pictures. It portrays human beings as objects, mere props for the sexual gratification of others. The chronic porn user will inevitably buy into that. This will decrease his ability to have normal, healthy relationships with his wife, children, and others.
distortion and perversion of personal sexuality
We all have particular things that “turn us on.” Sex expert Dr. Patrick Carnes describes this range of attractions as our “arousal template.” Its formation is a complicated process, involving genetics, culture, family history, experiences (especially abusive ones) and sexual history.
Recent research shows that sex while fantasizing with an image distorts and perverts one's “arousal template.” Carnes writes, “We see more and more people whose arousal templates are being altered as a result of cybersex experiences … It's amazing how suggestible people can be and how quickly a previously unknown behavior can become part of a person's arousal template.”
Many men drift into viewing pornography out of curiosity, the lure of the forbidden, and/or for psychological and emotional reasons. Carnes notes that “The Internet can provide a way to …discover unacknowledged parts of the arousal template.” But it can also fan the spark of a nascent interest into the flames of a fullblown obsession.
chronic shame
A further harm of using pornography is chronic shame. Many people who look at pornography know it is wrong and inwardly despise themselves for viewing it. But they may feel driven by forces seemingly beyond their control. Fortunately, recovery from porn use is possible.
~ from In the Shadows of the Net, by Patrick J. Carnes, PhD
Labels: addiction, disconnect, emotional, porn, sex addiction, shame
