Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Verbal Abuse

Calling her dumb, an idiot, stupid is verbal abuse. Putting her down, criticizing her, defeating her in argument for the sake of defeating, not for the sake of mutual enlightenment – this is verbal abuse. Threatening and intimidating by use of words is verbal abuse. If he is angry almost daily, this is verbal abuse. If he is constantly trying to convince her that something is wrong with her, this is verbal abuse. If he further tries to convince her that something is psychologically amiss with her and that she needs therapy, this is moving to extreme verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse may be indirect or covert, and it may be direct – shouting slanderous slogans – the same ones she has heard over and over. Verbal abuse is wanting power over the woman, and completely misusing the power. Verbal abuse constantly undermines the woman, it constantly denies her reality, her very existence.

In many cases, she is not supposed to exist. She is to be an extension of her husband/partner and nothing more. She is to parrot his words, his ideas, and to predict his needs and desires at every step. This is her function. And despite whether she succeeds or not, abuse will rain on her head. There is no escaping it, and there is no escaping its escalation over time.

There are clear symptoms of verbal abuse. Generally, verbal abuse will be secretive. Only those inside the home will know about it. Second, it increases with the passing of time, and the wife adapts to this increase. Third, the abuser repeatedly denies and discounts the wife’s perception of his treatment of her.

Verbal abuse always hurts. It attacks the abilities of the wife and erodes her self-confidence. Verbal abuse fills her with doubts regarding herself. Verbal abuse may comprise of angry shouting or it may be subtle brainwashing, or both. Abusers with developed intellect will use every form of manipulative cunning to brainwash their wives, to convince them their value is nil. Verbal abuse is insidious because many times it is indirect, roundabout and filled with devious cunning which the spouse cannot even begin to comprehend but which leaves her feeling horrible.

While the husband may create many so-called issues of dispute in the marriage, in fact the real issue in the marriage, the real problem, is his never-ending and escalating abuse. It is very hard for the victim to recognize this simple fact. Anger is another category of verbal abuse. If a man uses anger, there is nothing the wife can do or say to mitigate the anger, because it is nothing she has done. His anger is irrational, unpredictable and explosive. It is his trait of character, it is a part of his personality makeup. Generally, it cannot be changed.

In her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, P. Evans lists the types of verbal abuse:

1. withholding: rejecting the wife.

2. countering: saying the opposite, arguing without real cause.

3. discounting: discrediting what she says. (‘You’re too sensitive.’ ‘You can’t take a joke.’ ‘You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.’)

4. joking: using jokes to abuse. In the joke, she is the victim, she is the object of ridicule.

5. blocking: not allowing the wife to communicate. (‘You know what I meant. You’re talking out of turn.’ ‘Quit your bitching.’ ‘It’s too complicated for you to understand.’ ‘Just drop it!’. ‘You heard me. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.’)

6. converting dialogue into fights: When the wife tries to accommodate him, he blows up in anger. He frequently takes her words as a personal attack.

7. Judging: constantly condemning over issues big and small.

8. Trivializing: making fun of what she says and what she does, her accomplishments.

9. Undermining: continually eroding the wife’s enthusiasm about subjects and interests not related to the husband, thereby sabotaging her social life.

10. Threatening: threats of loss or punishment

11. Name calling: from violent attacks to patronizing contemptuous nick names to sarcastic affection, name calling is used to keep the wife in her place

12. Forgetting: declaring that abusive events or where the husband was exposed never happened.

13. Ordering: treating the wife as a servant. This dehumanizes the wife to a machine with no needs. Some men continuously talk in the imperative even when there is no conflict.

14. Denial: refusing to accept responsibility for abuse by accusing the wife of lying or being crazy.

15. Angry abuse: in the forms of yelling, snapping back, raging, shouting, glaring, grimacing (clenched teeth), argumentativeness, tantrums, explosions, long episodes of continuous vicious sarcasms. This develops into an addiction so that the husband will need a daily fix of raging in order to overcome his feelings of dependency, inadequacy and powerlessness by shouting out his anger.

Still another form of verbal abuse is interrogation. The interrogation begins with throwing the wife into a guilty confusion by a cold inquisitional air. The husband plays both the roles of the good cop and the bad cop, changing from sorrowful, reproving affection to cold scientist examining a lab rat to a vicious abuser that the wife cannot even recognize. Interrogation is an addictive power game that gives thrills of power to the power-hungry husband who yearns for greater power in society. The reason it is so thrilling is that the husband can take a petty incident such as shopping and convert it into a criminal act. The husband’s own anxiety and possessive insecurity merely adds to the emotional high of tormenting the wife. Interrogation not only involves making the wife feel she is sinful (materialistic) and selfish (not serving the needs of the husband), but also establishes the husband as the omniscient lord who will judge the wife in future whenever she may ‘fall’ from the path of virtue.

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shared by Barbara at 12:55 AM



I am so very glad I came across your site, you are giving me a clearer insight into something I just can't seem to even understand.I have done a few posting in the past while on how wrong this all is.
All abuse is so wrong so terrible and seems to have become like a chronic problem in our world today. The problem is so bad that when I visit a wonderful site such as this I am almost embarrassed to admit to being male.
I think it is important for all to realize there is a big difference between a man and an over grown, insecure male that is passing himself of as a man. He is able to pass himself off as a man simply because of age or size. It takes more than just age and size to make you a man. Sadly, many JERKS get away with the deception and are nothing but an embarrassment to real men. It is the action of these that give men a bad rap, sad and unfair but true.
I would go as far as to say no real true man has ever abused a woman. That is done by the over grown jerks, that sadly just because of age and size see themselves as men and as does most of the world.
Real men see these JERKS as mere jokes wanna be men. Please never confuse men with the wanna be's.

11:26 AM  

We women know that there are good men around, but the real test is to spend some time with him and see how he reacts to unpleasant events. Is he holding his courteous mood? or slipping into a barrage of insults because of the frustration?
If you have been raised as to control yourself and not inflict your fears on the female at your side, then everything is OK...Otherwise, we begin a slippery slope where small incidents build up into gross temper tantrums and abusive behavior.
It has a strong impact on us, and it takes a long time to recover the sense of security and trust violated by the abuse. How can a person heal? there are so many

4:59 PM  

can my marriage be saved if my husband is a verbal abuser?

9:54 PM  

I have been married for 20 years. For 20 years I have been both verbally and emotionally abused. He has just started therapy, after finally admitting he had a problem. The struggle I am having is that I am not sure I want to stay with him. I don't know if I can forgive him for all the hurt he has caused. Can anyone give me some insight or thoughts on how one makes the decision as whether to stay and see if he gets better or get out of the relationship now?

12:31 AM  

I certainly agree with your description of verbal abuse. However, I must point out that abuse can and does go both ways. I am not ashamed to say that I am a man who was in an abusive marriage for several. It is very demeaning and demoralizing emotionally to have someone verbally abusing you on a daily basis.

It doesn't matter if that person is your husband, your partner, or your wife.


8:00 AM  

I am being verbally abused by my 17 year old grandson who lives with me. He thinks I should just hand out money and do nothing to earn it. He doesn't work and wont go to college. The abuse is escallating and I risk losing my home because of him shouting ands slamming.I don't know what to do.

2:33 PM  

Call the cops the next time he has an outburst. explain to them what he is doing. Have them take him to jail if necessary. If you dont fix this issue now then it will become worse . PLEASE

8:24 PM  

Everyday of my life I have been abused like this. First by my father, then with my husband. I didn't even know it was abuse nor did I think it was anyones fault but my own.

Another form of this abuse that is mentioned in other articles on this website is where the abuser accuses YOU of abuse. If you at any time raise your voice or defend yourself this is considered abuse and they use it against you to others. Mri's checking for psychopathy before starting ANY major relationship should be a choice we all have access to.

5:18 PM  

Couldn't believe what I read... Sounded as if I was back having a conversation with my ex. He thrives on down playing me. Which at first for 3 years I believed it was just the way he was... An asshole.. until that turned to me... Now reading through this blog... I believe these men AND women who act this way may take years to even realize their problem... Just recently I was told.I was.a miserable.bitch and.should kill myself... Yes it still hurts.but I am finally finding my way to not let this bother me... But still struggle everyday. The fact I had a beautiful baby boy with this monster makes me realize for the next 18 years I must find my way around this....

11:28 AM  

My boyfriend of 3 years verbally abuses me. It's taken me all this time to realise it.

I have endometriosis so sex is painful. He won't accept this as an excuse not to perform and says "well I'm not in pain", then calls me an arsehole.

His most recent abuse was to call me horrible. It was just out of the blue. He'd been nice to me all day. He said I should have 'horrible' tattooed to my forehead so othher men can see I'm horrible and won't have to put up with what he's put up with.

A couple of hours later, he cuddled me and asked me for a kiss.

His behaviour makes me feel like I'm losing my marbles.

6:04 AM  

Thanks for the post. I've worked with abused women for many years, and the verbal abuse is always why a woman stays with a physical abuser.

1:38 PM  

Ginny sorry I do not understand your post.....I have been a victim of verbal abuse and at times physical, thankfully have moved on although it has not been easy. Why do you do you say that a woman stays with a physical abuser due to verbal abuse?

5:35 PM  

I am married almost 30 years. We have been in counseling 2 years. My husband moved out last month. Partly because he saw me getting stronger and could not take it. A friend recommended the Patricia Evans books. It was a bolt out of the blue when I realized there was a name for what had been happening these 30 years. I now see that he has verbally abused me and that is why I have been so confused about our relationship and why I felt like I could never do anything right. I tried to defend my self but things would get worse so I would roll over with "you're right- I'm sorry" etc. I now worry for our sons- 22,19, and 12. I want to continue therapy so I can grow stronger and help them. I know they will continue the behavior they have been modeled and I am heartbroken and angry with myself for letting this go on for so long. I don't think ny husband will change since he has left and has no reason to. I still feel like I have to make a excuse for him and that his family will not eccept my version of events. Why in all this time has no one- no family /friends told him to stop or told me to not accept his behavior toward me? Only one friend tried and I told him not to talk to my husband- . I am sorry for that.

1:51 PM  

Now it seems that my husband has decided to quit the counselor. So I see no hope for our relationship. I know now that I must get stronger for my sons and work to move ahead. I am afraid that a divorce will be ugly. I have no recourse no "get help or else" since he moved out. Maybe I am lucky. I am telling people the truth about our relationship.

6:36 PM  

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for just over 6 years. There were big red flags that I overlooked in the beginning. I was almost 30 and never had a serious relationship. I wanted to be in a relationship so bad that I put up with it. Now I think I want out because it hasn't gotten better. I question myself constantly... Is he really the a-hole or am I? I'm the one who's been thinking about leaving for years, leading him on. I'm not perfect. I cheated once, and I always feel like I'm asking him for help with things. But he goes into a fit of rage about twice a month over things that are small. The last one was bc I invited someone to breakfast with us without telling him first. He called me a f-up and selfish and wondered how I could be so stupid. It's enough to hurt, but then he apologizes and we have a few days of being ok. It's never enough for me to say "ok, this is it, I'm done." Plus we live together and there's no way we could break up, yet stay amicable long enough for me to find an apartment. So I'm thinking the only way it'll happen is if I move out in secret. Then I'll question whether it's really abuse... For instance he's never called me "stupid," but he says I'm "acting stupid." Which is his out for when I say "don't call me stupid". All these mind games are driving me crazy... Thanks for reading, any advice is helpful.

1:49 PM  

Out of the blue my husband always makes me feel like crap and real scared. All had been well for an unusually long time (about 2 weeks). All was well when I left to buy some food. When I got home in less than 30 minutes (too afraid to ever not hurry back), the house door was locked. (Keep in mind we never lock that door other than at night). But his car was home. I knocked. Nothing. I called his cell phone. Nothing. He won't let me have a key for the house. But I knew where he is hiding his key outdoors. Wondering what happened, I hesitated, but then I unlocked the door. He was in a rage. Furious that I had gone to buy food. Calling me a free-loader. (He won't let me have any job and he won't let me have any money. This time he gave me $20.00 to go buy food) And that all I do is go whore-ing around town (I'm almost never ever out of the house). And on and on he went about how evil I am. He won't let me go visit my sister. I asked why. He said he has to protect my family (sister,etc) from me, because I'm so evil. There are no words to describe how I feel. I feel like the earth is going to open up and swallow me. He has turned my family against my in ways nobody will tell me about. I suspect he is having some sort of affair with my sister now. He gives her a lot of money. This is just a little of what is happening. We will be married 3 years this summer. I don't believe in love anymore.

2:12 AM  

I'm struggling with this one because while I know that my husband of 12 years has been verbally and emotionally abusive ( I just came to this realization while listening to confrontations that I had voice recorded), I think I have to answer yes to some of those questions for how I have treated him. What I don't fully know is if my name calling and rage was just a response to his abuse or if I'm an abuser as well. I will say this, I have strong relationships with many people and have strife with none. Only him. He, on the other hand, hasn't spoken to his father in years and is denying his kids the right to know their Granfather and let them form their own opinion of him. He has major blowouts with his Mom and Sister every single time they come to visit. He tried to kick them out when they came overseas for our daughters 5th birthday but I wouldn't let him do that to our little girl. He did, however, leave her party because he said that he was afraid I would say something under my breath and he would lose it. On the day of the birthday as he was leaving, someone started saying there was a bee in the house. I asked him if he could help get it out before he left and he said no. I said "I will never forgive you for this", meaning the fact that he was essentially choosing his own feelings over that if his daughter. He has done this kind of thing on many occasions. Things like, turning the camera monitor off on the first night our daughter slept in a big girl bed without a guard rail because the monitor interfered with the wireless and he wouldn't be able to play Madden in HD. Not that he wouldn't be able to PLAY with it on, but he had to have it in HD. We had just told our daughter that she was a big girl now and didn't need the guard rail, but after I bitched about the importance of leaving the camera on to see if she's getting close to falling out, I saw him on the camera go into her room, put the guard rail back on (and in the process wake her up) and turn the camera off. I could go on and on, but will spare you.
I wish I could just take the recordings I've made to a counselor and have them tell me did definitively if he is, indeed, an abuser and what role I play in it. I have 2 kids to think about (5 & 2) and have to be absolutely certain that I'm doing the right thing. I feel like I made such a wrong decision when I married him that I doubt my decision making abilities.

12:21 AM  

Your story sounds similar to mine I have been with my abuser for 7 years and we have 2 kids together at first it was every firm of abuse and we didn't even live together at this point he beat me bloody like a man and left me knocked out on a hotel room floor I put him in jail and 2 days later found out I was pregnant I was stronger then I had a strong and large network of great friends I actually moved in with him before I was healed we would go into court from different sides because he wasn't allowed around me the abuse continued mostly erbal amd I got strong enough and left I decided that I didn't want a child with him and had an abortion that was so hard and I was so hurt and sad that I was stupid enough to go back because I felt so guilty again I ended up pregnant I think it didn't take long for me to think I deserved to be called names and treated like trash fir all I'd done bad in my life during my pregnancy I don't remember one happy moment or soft hug just name calling and feeling so different when my son was born I was happy he was umm happy and the abuse continued of course mostly verbal spent the next year in a hell I created all on my own and found out my iud had fallen out at some point and I was pregnant again had a daughter and here I am 4 years later I havnt had a life in so long I don't know who I am wjat I like to do I am nervous around people I have nothing to talk to them about besides what I did that day and ev other day I stayed home most of the time watched him turn all the people I loved against me he controls all money and if I ask fir any he will give me 20 if I'm lucky he will give me 40 if I have something to do fir him now then he would gladly put gas on without calling me names or give me 100 to go shop if his family was coming over he is rude and cruel and nobody in my family wants ti be here my two older children I let stay with my mom because if they open the fridge I get a guilt trip that he feeds them and that is forcing him to play stepdaddy he is cruel and he like to see me hurt he like fir people to see how he treats me so they also can treat me accordingly
I am finally done I am so scared but I fig this will be the last time you threaten to send me and my kids on the streets keeps everything in his name so I leave with nothing
I in secret went to a woman's service got a meeting with lawyers and one took my case we are not married but there are laws ti help me there are orders of protection there are safe houses there are programs to help you get a house and a car and start over
I have been slowly bringing the things most important to me to a storage that a program helped me with i know that some people can say just leave rite now but I have two kids and I have lived in torment I will not leave here with nothing so I will do this the way that will help me and my kids I am actively looking for a place now I am so afraid and happy and excited and completely oblivious to what it's like to pay bills it's been so long
If I can do this so can you do it rite so you never gi back there are people and places that will protect you I would love to talk with you more if you would like maybe we can help each other wjen you say this is just a little of what is happening I already know what your going through
I'm so sorry there is another person who has to feel this way but we women are stronger then we think so maybe if we help each other up we will remember what the real world look like what freedom feels like and someday find and remember and believe that there are great men out there I still believe that

2:51 AM  

I am convinced that everyone we love and everyone we will ever be in a serious relationship will let us down. It will be careless, on purpose, it will hurt. I guess it has to hurt when you love that person. I am married for 15 years and my husband makes me so ashamed that I cannot even face him sometimes. I cannot believe this is the same person who says he loves me and promised to love, honor, and protect. he is verbally abusive and I do not have friends or family to go to. I am alone and i want to die sometimes.

6:26 PM  

Hello there! I'm married to the discharged ptsd military guy since 2003. I starting to work since he got removed from the service 2013. He don't go work but he goes to school. I'm the handyman in the house 24/7 taking care of my 3 boys. Drop them off to school and picked them up. My husband don't do anything beside playing games xbox one 24/7. When I asked him it's time to go school he got mad at me because I bothering for playing games. Iam caregiver to eldery home, Saturday and Sunday works 09:00 - 21:00. I don't know what to do anymore he always called me asshole everytime I asked him to get ready. I'm Pilipina and Married to American guy. He is so mean to me. He bought house only his name because he followed his mother say, but I'm happy with that. As long I have my 3 boys with me. I want to leave him but I'm not American Citizen yet, I'm just permanent resident. I don't know where to get help.

6:43 PM  


Find your local DV Center here - go and ask to speak to an advocate ASAP!

12:50 AM  

I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for 13 years. I don't want my marriage to fail, but I know we need help. My joy is gone, I am now an angry and defensive woman from dealing with the abuse and degrading treatment for so long. I feel for everyone going through this as well and praying for change.

9:30 PM  

You are not some receptacle for abuse and negativity. You are a human being with kindness in your heart.

I would suggest that you separate from yoyr abuser. Surround yourself with loving and caring people who treat you right. Friends, relatives...even pets. You will notice that your old happy creative self is coming back. Then you will know whether to divorce him or not. Just my two cents.

12:01 PM  

I am glad i found your site. I have been abused verbally daily by my husband. I cam to USA to be with him, he calls me bitch, dumbass, whore, over not making the bed the way he likes, i cook and bake almost every day from scratch and he yells at me if i warm up two day soup. He makes me cry, he threatens authorities on me as I am foreign national. He yells everyday, he goes to work every morning and wakes me up on purpose yelling at me at 5 am and also throws things around, not hitting me. He has bad temper and I do not know what to do, I stay quiet sleep on the couch when i can hide in the bathroom from him so i just do not hear him yell.

9:30 PM  

I've been with this guy for 8 years and have a daughter with him. He tends to get mad for the smallest insignificant reasons, like if he's looking to just argue with me. He calls me crazy when I cry, mimics me, and says anything to hurt me. Today he complained about my chicken, saying it was too dry and telling me why do something If I'm going to half ass it. He also says he's always right and I'm always wrong. He makes me question myself.. sometimes he does convince me I'm crazy. Im always trying to be on his good side, trying to calm him down and talk things through but he gets mad all over again and continues to say hurtful things. I've left him before and I always come back. To others, he portrays himself as a helpful, compassionate person. He's currently in law enforcement and I feel like it i tell others about this, they'll think I'm the crazy one because he's a cop.

2:26 AM  

I am being verbally abused . I said it and I somehow feel better that I did. I don't know what to do

9:07 PM  

I live with a man who has a terrible temper and a real problem with alcohol too. He has been extremely physically abusive in the past and has smashed up things. It has gone on for years. He continually calls me names like Jew bag (I am Jewish by birth) and makes nasty dialogues re jewish people and the jewish race etc...I have begged him to stop saying these things but he doesnt stop and just gets worse and worse....I am alone and have no longer any friends and have no family. I am trapped in france in the countrysie with no one to turn to and now way to get away...I am so unhappy I dream about suicide...I dont know how to go on.....and when i tell him he was drunk for example and he was abusive to me (when he has sobered up) he just denies it and somehow it is all my fault. I have no idea how i ended up with such a loser and I hate him and pray each day he will kill himself whilst help....I need help....but he doesnt understand that the screaming and remarks anti semitic are so hurtfull...he seems to be quite happy and tra la la goes about his day and I am extremely and severely depressed and have absolutely nowhere to turn for help.

10:22 AM  

I have had depression and anxiety for many years. When my husband and I first got together I was an alcoholic binge drinker and took meds. He came along and introduced me to cocaine. We finally quit that and alcohol. But I almost died and had to take norco pain meds for several months. I went to rehab to stop. But when I got home, he had norcos, tramadols and Xanax. He offered them to me when I felt depressed or anxious. I got hooked again. He takes them now for pain. I beg for them because I need them emotionally. He has been a verbal and emotional abuser , manipulating from fay one. He abuses me daily. His excuse is that I drive him crazy with my addiction. But even when I'm not taking them , he still abuses me. It seems to get worse when I am trying to wean off and stop . He dabs tigers me. I am frozen in life, and can't even get off the sofa to do anything, accept to go visit my new grand child. He is jealous of her and has tried to separate me from her, using my daughter. He is my care taker. Constantly verbally and emotionally abusing me. He wants to keep me in a state of helplessness . And when I try to stop take the pills or be strong and try to cook, he says no, just rest, I will do it. I'm 57now and I want my family and grandchildren around me. But he keeps it from happening. Once a week a go visit them, but it is always a huge fight before I leave. Does he have the right today and do the things he does because I use meds to cope with life. Sometimes, it hi k I use them to cope with him. When I'm around he, I want more and more pill

10:33 AM  

Hi everyone, I have been through a psychological war with my emotionally abusive, now ex boyfriend (lets see how strong I am). This person has completely stripped me of any confidence, self esteem and happiness I had. I am disappointed in my own behaviour of accepting this abuse. However, it is highly addictive and drug-like. Being a smart, educated and beautiful woman, I am left with invisible scars, and haunting memories of words that he used to describe my existence. I realized this past weekend that I could not longer withstand another comment or act of judgment by the person. I am tired of being told I am disgusting, fat, called ugly infront of his mother. I am mentally exhausted from the withdrawals of affection, mind games and lies and false promises. I was cheated on by the person, blaming me for his actions and the reason this happened was because he lost attraction to me because I was fat and he couldn't stand to look at me anymore. After 2 years of healing and finally accepting myself, this monster came back and i thought things were different. yeah right. If anything, the verbal abuse escalated quickly and i was sucked in deeper. It has been very traumatic to my well being and to my overall health byy staying with an abuser. Ladies, I know this is only day 3 for me, but in these 3 days I can make my own decisions, I do not have to be worried about a man who doesn't care about my existence or well being. I do not have to worry or stress about my weight, what I am eating, where I am going, how much money i spent, who I talked to on the phone....and most importantly I DO NOT HAVE TO HEAR HIM TELL ME I AM A DISGUSTING FAT UGLY WOMAN.!!!!!!
It is regretfully horrifying that I once allowed someone to use my flaws and my kindness as a weapon to make me fearful of him. I am truly terrified of this person and his ability to crush my soul. This life lesson has taught me that once the line of disrespect is crossed, the hope and fantasy of getting better is far from the truth. the reality is, this person has their own problems and anger, and they prey on kind hearted women to abuse.
I am to blame for everything. I have been told that he is not attracted to me, that I am stupid, a piece of shit, that I should have plastic surgery to fix the loose skin around my inner thighs in order for him to continue the relationship. But yet i stayed, and tried everything i could to fix it or make it work. Most of the time, the abuse was ignored to keep peace mostly because the fighting with this person was a destructive battle.
As I have learned,, this person doesn't love you. They don not even care about you. Its a control power trip that they seek. Things will not get better at all. The only way to save yourself, protect your heart and mental health is to LEAVE! Trust me, I was in love with the idea of him, but not in love with the MAN he is. Who can love a monster. ???? Not me. Ladies, leave this relationship, do something kind and generous for yourself. I know its addictive and feels impossible to leave but take one day at a time. I also have an instgram account to follow my journey @unseenscars

god Bless and good luck!!!!!!!

4:11 PM  

I know it should not be this way. People keep thinking there is a prize in how to make (forced) couples compete and compare their anger against each other. I feel I have to be with horrible men because nice men think of themselves as better than me and women know how to use me and men believe in them by now. I stay with a guy that is holding on to everything I say and do even if it has no meaning to make women help and show him around. I feel horrible because people verbally attack me everywhere I go and he keeps acting like a fag who needs to bitch to females, and a bunch of people convince him it's hot. I feel the energy of women who are free of mans torture taking every advantage they can to feel superior to me. He uses their superiority to imitate and humiliate how I feel and what I really want to do, which is all connected to leaving him without being followed or abused. on top of it all, they make it seem it's exclusive to be in my situation or that it is compared to being cute. He buys it, and keeps hurting me and no other doors are open. Stop making these people casual and comfy! Everyone should have a their own right to not be abused every second of their day.

10:34 PM  

Thank you so much for this post. I love the man described exactly in this post. Suddenly, I don't feel so alone, its a relief.

Im in the process of leaving him after a year of this. I think I am....Dammit I have no willpower! WHY is it causing me more pain to leave than to stay and live this way with him belittling, accusing, judging, rejecting, spitting on, and now hitting me EVERY day!? I feel my spirit fading. But I STILL don't want to leave. I need prayers. Please.

11:22 AM  

I am having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I have allowed this to happen in my life. I have never taken crap from anyone. I have a very strong personality that includes a huge heart. Yet 10 years later, I am the one seeking help, understanding, and support to deal with my verbally and emotionally abusive significant. I saw the red flags, but blew them off as character flaws that were manageable. I had no idea they would only escalate as the years went by. Being manipulated, criticized, and disregarded have started to take its toll. I still sometimes cry, but try not to. To give him more power makes me angry with myself. My life that use to be my own, then ours, has become his. The eggshells I walk on are becoming normal. The lost conversation and silent evenings out are more frequent and easier, then ending up in a debate because his opinions are always right and mine are stupid. I miss the person I fell in love with 10 years ago. Why do I still carry love for someone who I can no longer talk to, have fun with, or be myself with? The more I research this behavior and read about other people's hell, I realize that I am not alone and there are so many different styles of abuse. My heart goes out to all of you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Its discouraging to read that the best thing we can do is to leave our significant because they won't change, when we have spent so much time trying to understand and deal with the insanity. Stay strong, love yourself, and reach out to the people who love you for support. That's all I can personally do right now and hope I don't completely lose myself to this unhealthy life I can't yet seem to leave.

9:49 AM  

I have been with my husband for 5 years and we fight so much bug I've noticed that he gets mad at little things that shouldn't be a problem I can name so many sometimes I don't know what to do especially because evrytime we fight my daughter is always looking at her dad at the way he yells at me she is only 1 but I feel like this is going to affect her..I try not to argue with him but he just keeps saying hello I'm talking to you and yells even louder if I don't respond... When he's mad and he asks for something and I CNT seem to find it he says I'm the stupidest person in the world,he calls me a idiot, a cunt , a bitch, a piece of shit that he regrets marrying and many other bad names.. I try not to cry but its just so hard and he even has a problem with me crying so he tells me to shut the fuck up cs nobody wants to hear it...then later on when he comes to his "senses" as I call it he apologizes but sometimes its hard to forgive him but I do..he sys he just blacks out when he acts like that and even scarier are the looks he has like he's demonic its very scary. I do love him and am in love with him and this hurts so much for that same reason..there is so much but I don't know what to do anymore!!! There is another baby on the way so I need to calm my self down most of the time because its not good to be getting mad or sad or stress in while I'm pregnant.. I do fight with him also but only when he thinks that me trying to talk about something is me trying to start an argument all the time...I always end up telling him that if he would just sit and have a conversation with me about the problem none of this would happen but since he thinks differently and says that the way I say it is in a way of trying to argue he takes it that way but I say it in the calmeast way without attitude and seven then its still a problem..I just feel like sometimes its just not the SME as it was when we first moved in or got married everything is different but he says most of it is my fault..which sometimes I will admit I do get mad over nothing specially right now that im pregnany i get mad easily and he says to control my hirmones as if i could.. but every time we argue it never escalates to the point that he goes or call him names I just keep to myself until we can talk that's if he wants to talk ... I just have a lot on my mind and sometimes I just don't know what to do cs I know this iasnt right..I just don't know how this is going to go for us !!!

11:51 PM  

I would have to agree, I am soon to be 25. I've been married for five years with three beautiful children. my wife is the abuser. She is verbally abusive with a very short fuse. I have talkee to her on different occasions, recomend she go get theropy alone or as a couple, she used to talk to our son horribly. Ive put my foot down, i've tried to reason, but the part im scared of the most is that ive become numb to the situation. Ive stood by through the cheating, the lies and deception, the pregnancy that she aborted from the cheating, even the jelousy from the attention ive given my parents shortly before they passed this year. But ive become numb to it all. Ive been alienated from my family and led to believe it was my choice all the wile providing for her family on top of the family in our home. I plan on leaving tomorrow. sadly i cannot take the kids. Not yet atleast. I do plan on voming back for them. Is there anyone who can provide any light or any words? It would be appreciated.

11:32 PM  

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