Sanctuary for the Abused

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Law Enforcement & the Abuser



*Denial and Minimization

* Refusing to admit their violent behavior. Makes statements such as:
o "I didn't do anything."
o "She just bruises easily."
o I had my fist out and she ran into it."

* Admitting less than actually happened in the incident or making the assault sound trivial.
o "It was only a love tap."
o "I just gave her a little push."
o "Her ribs are just a little bruised (not broken)."

* Effective Police Response: Inform the offender that he has already broken the law and explain how his/her behaviors met that criteria. Get a detailed account of the scope of the violence by conducting a partner contact interview and by using police reports and hospital records.
*Focusing on Intentions

* Defending one's behavior by pointing to good goals.
o "I was trying to keep her from hurting herself."
o "She was hysterical and yelling nonstop so I slapped her to calm her down."

* Effective Response: Point out the effects of violence: terror, fear, distrust, pain, injury, destruction, etc. Even if his intentions are good, violence not justified and it is illegal.
*Victim Blaming

* Most popular of the excuses, the offender will make the case that the victim is a bad person and the abuse is deserved. The offender hopes you will focus on the victim's behavior rather than abuser misconduct. If you begin to criticize the victim, you become allied with the batterer.
o "I found her with another man."
o "She is a drunk (alcoholic, drug addict, bad mother, thief etc.)."
o "She assaulted me."

* Effective Response: A woman doesn't have to be Betty Crocker (a perfect mother or housewife) in order to deserve not to be beaten. People do not have to earn the right to be free from violence and fear. The act of battering is illegal, just like bank robbery is illegal even if you are very poor.
*Loss of Control

* Batterer doesn't take responsibility for what happened.
o "I exploded but it wasn't really me."
o "I lost it and the next thing I knew, she was down on the floor bleeding and screaming."
o "I saw a white (blue, red, yellow etc.) light and I just blacked out. When I came to she was lying on the ground."

* Effective Response: If you're convinced you have no control, then we should surrender you now since treatment will be totally useless. Do you get violent the same way whenever someone gets you really upset? With your boss? Getting violent with someone is not an automatic response once you get upset with another person.

* The offender claims the other person drove him/her over the edge so they don't take responsibility for what occurred.
o "She made me do it."
o "She knew it was coming and she pushed me into it."

* Effective Response: No one can make you violent. People may hurt, frustrate or anger you but there are many alternative ways to respond that don't involve violence.
*Lack of Time and Money

* Offender cannot attend treatment because of work and cannot afford it.
* States that they have changed, victim no longer feels threatened by them or that the counselor's no longer feel treatment is necessary.

* Effective Response: Most batterer programs have a sliding scale fee system. Reinforce that the abuser must make time for treatment. If you are a probation officer, it is important to communicate frequently with the treatment program and the victim to avoid confusion and manipulation.

* Pretend they are sleeping when the officers arrive.

* Will be apologetic, friendly, polite and very courteous to the officers.

* Will express frustration/sadness over their inability to get the "alcoholic" and/or "drug addicted" victim help for their problem.

* Will attempt to get sympathy by presenting themselves as a "victim" to their partner's nagging and/or verbal abuse.

* Will attempt to get the officers to relate to their situation. For example, "You know how those women are."

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shared by Barbara at 12:12 AM



Here's another one: The abuser expresses deep concern over his victim's mental health to the police then faces his victim, raising his palms and saying plaintively, "Come on, I'm not going to hurt you"...

2:50 AM  

nice article discussion. thanks for sharing this.

2:35 AM  

HI, I have just started to write about my own experience on Domestic abuse, its still very raw. Infact I still havent come to term with it

6:06 PM  

Ditto Anonymous - that's word for word what my abuser said!

Another time, he showed his little pinkie to the officers because he injured it hurting me. So he charged me with assault.

He ran rumours around town that I was mentally unstable while doing increasingly worse things to threaten my life, perhaps so he could claim I was suicidal. (Example: me riding on a bike and him racing up behind me in a car).

The police response? Anger that I was bothering them all the time. They told me to quit it.

No wonder I had/have PTSD.

3:03 AM  

Three yrs ago I left my abusive narississ after 20 yrs of marriage. Physical and sexual abuse, as a child, along with no supportive parents, had left had me broken. I ended up marrying a man 18 yrs older than myself. The physical and extremely emotional abuse left me crippled, with no job security, money, friends, or even family, to count on for help. He had turned them all against me, saying I was crazy. Law inforcement were no help. In part because I kept years of abuse secret. Growin up I was taught (what happens in the home stays in the home.) it was instilled so deep, that it almost got me murderd. Secrets are an abusers best and most powerful wepon. My whole life had been one painful secret, until I was able to flee the only man I ever truly loved. My devotion to him came from a few wonderful memories of how he treated me in the first coupple of weeks in our relationship. I had never felt so happy and safe in all my life. I kept trying to do evrything I could to make him love me again. Listen to me now. They can't love you, or any one else. Get out now, befor its to late. I did and I'm stronger than I ever new. The key is, to not care what anyone thinks about you, or your desission to leave. If they are not supportive now, they never will be. I left all my possessions, with exception of my important documents and photos of my children and grandchildren. Remember. For every bad cop, there is a good cop. You need to seek out a domestic violence counselor near your location. Don't ask anyone their oppinion. Just get out and don't look back.. The first year of course is the hardest. The nighmares were evry night. Therapy is the next step to getting your life back. If you don't connect with the counselor, then ask for a different one, its you right. You need to be assertive, but kind, with anyone who is trying to help you. You never want to offend anyone in power, if you can help it. I have ptsd and pannic attacks, along with fear, but I'm not dead. Take charge of your health and mental health now, because if you don't , he wins. He will stop at nothing, to make you go insane, so he can have you comitted, or he will kill you, or have you killed. I moved to a different state, and account to knowone. I have my own place and new friends and I had no bank account. I am, for the very first time in my life, happy and healthy and It has nothing to do with a man. If I can do it, you can do it. We are not worthless, stupid, lazy, crazy or unempowered, like we have been programed to believe. We were just stuck. Good luck and remember, its none of their business.

8:55 PM  

My abusive husband had an episode in front of a long-term friend while she was visiting at our house. He yelled at me and stomped around. I left the house for a few hours. She took his side. She said he was just a healthy person having a bad day. No - he is an unhealthy person showing his true colors.

I decided to distance myself from this lady. That feels like a really good decision. Amazing how people will take the abuser's side so easily and quickly. I have been talking to supportive people for several months and it is really helping me to let go of those who do not see the behavior. He doesn't like my spending time with these support groups - of course.

I was glad I took a break from his drama by leaving the house that day recently. But he texted me while I was gone and said that I was unstable. That I am the one with the problem. He also said I should not be afraid to "come home." That he is never anything but supportive of me. Gaslighting.

Thank goodness there is more and more awareness and naming of the problems. Receiving validation from sites like this one is my lifeline.

9:29 PM  

Police refused to help me because of his positive reputation in the community. My children and I live a life of hell forever.

2:23 PM  

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