Sanctuary for the Abused
Thursday, December 23, 2021
Narcissism Victim Syndrome
A new diagnosis?
Do you see a preponderance of middle aged women in your practices with no particular physical disease process, yet a variety of physical and/or emotional complaints, including: insomnia, weight loss or gain, depression, anxiety, phobias, (sometimes but not always, also: broken bones, lacerations, or bruises)? Some may report an overwhelming feeling of emptiness, self-hate or doom. Others may talk about or attempt suicide.
These patients are frequently rather nervous, with a guilt-ridden, anxious look and effect. They may appear restless, worried, and/or demonstrate a fake laugh that seems to hide something else.
In extreme cases they may describe sudden outbursts of rage with accompanying violence. They may have even been arrested for assault on their spouse. A few of them are men.
Who are these patients and how did they get this way? While there may be many situations with similar symptoms, it is important to recognize these may be "Victims of Narcissists" and they need your help. While narcissism itself has been a diagnosis in the DSM - IV, psychiatry's complete reference, little to nothing has been written in the medical literature surrounding those who live with the narcissist … and the torturous lives they live. And there are many of them out there.
Narcissism is a broad spectrum of behaviors. On a scale of 1 - 10, Healthy Narcissism is a one, and Pathological Narcissism, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD) is a 10.
Healthy Narcissism is something we all can use. It's having a healthy self-esteem. It's what makes us pick ourselves up after experiencing failure and going on towards the next goal. It's what gives us the ability to help each other, and to love someone - as we already know how to love ourselves.
Yet, Pathological Narcissism is an ironic twist of this healthy state. Outwardly, it appears that these people love themselves too much - to the exclusion of anyone else. It is as if they are God himself and those around them must recognize their omnipotence, supreme knowledge, and absolute entitlement and power. Rules don't apply to them. They have an unrealistic and overblown sense of self, often without the credentials to match, as well as fantasies of unlimited power, success, and/or brilliance. They are interpersonally exploitive and have absolutely no understanding of empathy or compassion.
They are neither kind nor benevolent gods. And those who live with them end up paying the price.
While there is a range of narcissistic behaviors lying between level 1 and 10 on this scale, one doesn't need to have full-blown NPD to do incredible damage to those in the inner circle.
While victims of Narcissists are generally codependents, most have no idea how they got in this situation, because in the early stages of the relationship the Narcissistic person can be the most charming, Academy Award winning actor or actress (according to the DSM-IV, 50-75% of narcissists are men), of the century.
The early days of the dating is fast, furious, and vastly romantic. Oftentimes marriage proposals come within a few weeks. The "victim" sees the narcissist as the "Perfect Partner". She's never met someone so wonderful in her lifetime and falls head-over-heels in love. The two go on to live happily ever after - or so she thinks - until the "real" partner surfaces. The once wonderful Dr. Jekyll turns into the dangerous Mr. Hyde who quickly instills fear, anxiety, uncertainty, and total confusion to the relationship.
The change can be quick and powerful or slow and insidious.
We are all way too familiar with overt narcissists: those abusive husbands who send thousands of battered women to the emergency room each year. They feel it is their God-given right to beat, abuse, and otherwise threat their partner in whatever method they deem necessary and no one can tell them otherwise.
Then there is the verbally abusive and controlling narcissist … the one who uses emotional abuse as his weapon of choice. He tells his victim who she can see, what time she needs to be home, and when she can go to bed. Or in the case of Jamie, whose husband makes her recite every day, "I'm only worth 29 cents - the price of a bullet," he erodes her self-worth to nothing to keep her under his control.
Who else could possible want such a worthless woman as she? With that belief, she will never leave him for good, although she makes many brief attempts to do so. She always returns. The brainwashing that continues day after day is emotionally exhausting, draining, and vastly unhealthy.
Yet almost worse is the "Stealth Narcissist," so sinister and silent in his ability to drive his partner crazy that she doesn't suspect anything bad is happening until it's too late. He is the master of the little digs … "Honey, why on earth would you cook eggs in butter? NO ONE does it that way. What's wrong with you?" Or, "If you'd only do what I say then we'd both be happy."
He issues the "silent treatment" when he is slighted, punishing his family by ignoring them for hours, leaving them wondering what they did "wrong" to make him act this way. He may "forget" birthday or Christmas presents, year after year. He may show up hours late and his partner is just supposed to understand, with no explanation even offered. He may have another woman on the side and feel quite entitled to do so.
Yet, to those outside his inner kingdom he looks like a saint. He probably is president of the Rotary, volunteers at a food bank, and contributes regularly to charity … all to attain the image of being the admired Superman of his community.
No matter which type of narcissist he is, the end result is the same … a slow, insidious, breaking down of the self-esteem of his victims until there's next to nothing left, at which point, the narcissist will frequently throw his partner out in order to look for someone new and full of life to make his next target. Leaving his victim an emotional wreck wondering what she did to destroy their once "perfect" relationship.
The Narcissist himself rarely changes. After all, if you believe you're God-like, you must be perfect. Why should you change your behavior for anyone else? Yet the biggest secret is that deep inside, he loathes himself, and is desperate that no one find out who the "real" person is inside his tough, outer shell.
Victims are not only spouses. They can be coworkers, employees, children, or friends of narcissists. When the narcissist is the victim's mother, it's a difficult spot to be in, as most children (even grown children) find it almost impossible to leave the relationship. And the abuse continues for years.
However, when the narcissist is your patient's boss, coworker, or friend, it may be wise to counsel the victim to seek a new situation elsewhere to best avoid an emotional roller coaster ride that could lead to extreme health issues down the road.
How can you help those with Narcissism Victim Syndrome? First, by asking questions to determine what is going on in their environment. Health care professionals already know the effect that stress has on so many of us, but the added stress of living with a narcissist is rarely understood or recognized by the victims themselves. Knowledge is power and by asking the right questions about their situation, you might be able to help them begin to better recognize their problem and seek help.
You can help them quit being victims, quit blaming themselves for all that's wrong in their relationships, gain knowledge of this disorder, and regain their personal power. Help them to seek counseling from a therapist knowledgeable about narcissism, (not all are, and few fully understand victim issues at all - see www.helpfromsurvivors.com), in order to rebuild their shattered self-esteem and stop looking and acting like a caged animal.
Help them find hope, before years of stuffing their anger due to this abusive treatment, leads them to venting in unhealthy ways, sometimes leading to domestic violence and police intervention. Help them to stop looking like the sick one in the relationship and to start down the road of being a survivor and no longer a victim. Help them escape symptoms of depression that may, in some cases, lead to suicide.
Learn all you can about the "Narcissism Victim Syndrome". You might light a glimmer of hope for someone who's just barely hanging on for dear life.
Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN is a national speaker, author, columnist and survivor of several narcissistic relationships. Her new book, "When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong - Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life" is available at http://www.helpfromsurvivors.com or http://www.outoftheboxx.com. She can be reached at 303-841-7691.
Copyright by Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN
Labels: anxiety, depression, narcissism, narcissists, panic, pathological, ptsd, trauma, victim
Thanks so much for visting my site and for your support. Your blog is so informative and so helpful.
Hugs right back at ya.
Maybe you could read today's post over at http://theotherbed.com, and tell me what you think? I'm not sure what to do.
There's a link to your site and a quote in the post.
"Only connect." E.M. Forster
The interview on BlogTalkRadio is awesome! So many people need to hear this. Can I put a link to the interview on my site? I mean as a permanent fixture in the sidebar.
It was so validating to listen to everything you and Lisa had to say. I'm amazed that I still learn more about NPD, even though it seems as if I've been a student for life!
Another amazing post. When my narcissistic husband left last year after 20 years of mental and emotional abuse towards me and our two boys, I spent most of that time feeling guilty and just being a wreck.
I'm now getting on with my life and will finally file for divorce next week. Your website has been one of several that has led to my healing, along with a very wise counselor who has helped me sort out my feelings.
This post is so validating for me! Thank you!
Ifound this so informative..my 45yr old son is..and just discovered this after his divorce..no I did not spoil him rotten like some mother's say is the cause of this illness..We had 4 children the second being 13mo younger than him..no time for spoiling...but after all this I now know what was wrong with my brother who had a terrible relationship with our parents..my son has the same affliction..he was out of our lives most of his marriage only to come back for a pity party and some money and kick us to the curb again and tell his son and ex wife to stay away from us...I never realized what was wrong until after counseling myself because of course he wasn't going...nothing wrong with him...but I do have 3 other wonderful children and he is out of our lives for good...he can't drain us financially and mentally any more even if this only took place in a 6 mo time frame...very sick manipulating people...I do think in my case it is hereditary
Thanks so much
I am in the midst of a divorce and I have finally came to terms that my soon X Wife is a narcissist.
The last five years of our marriage and now in the divorce: false PFA, agreeing on terms with me just to lue in court, telling my kids bad stuff about me, never having the kids call on our agreed upon time.....
I feel like I am no good... A once high self-esteem and confidence is gone... The 6'1" 200lb, Army veteran feels like a nobody, I am no good for anyone let alone another relationship... It's like my masculinity has been stripped, testosterone as been drained from my body.
I know deep down I am a good person, attractive, loving, great dad etc., but deep down does not work... I have been seeing a counselor once a week for 3 years. Can someone give me any insight or advice?
Shawn, I was also in the same your same position. My narcissistic x-wife broken me down to feeling the same as you. My salvation came from growing my support network. If you are in the same situation as I was then your x-wife also isolated you from your extended family and friends. Go to them! You are free now! Never spend an evening alone. They will tell you the things you need to hear.
As for your divorce you MUST stand strong against her! She will lie and twist the truth around to make you look like the bad person. As far as custody the courts will most likely rule for the x-wife in the beginning, DON'T let it get you down!!! we men have a uphill battle when it comes to gaining custody of the children. All you need to do is be the kind and loving person you are. The children will gravitate to the most stable and loving parent! ALSO, DEMAND THAT THE CHILDREN ATTEND COUNSELING AND SET A TIME LIMIT FOR THE X-WIFE TO DO IT BY. If it is effecting you then it is also effecting the children. Stand strong and be the source of peace and tranquility for the children! Your narcissistic x-wife will dig her own grave.
I've been separated from my x-wife for one year now. Officially divorced last week. We have three children. In the beginning she was awarded full custody of all three, but as time went by I healed while the x-wife continued down her dark path. I made x-wife feel as though its to her benefit to have the children stay with me. The children found peace and happiness with me. Now I currently have custody of two of the three children and we are getting ready to file a motion to get custody of the third.
I hope this helps,
I am looking to chat with other survivors of narcissism. I am currently having a really difficult time dealing with it and he now has a new GF!
Anyone have any info on where the best place to find others to chat with is?
I would like to chat - I was in a five year relationship with a narcissist man. It was literally a rollercoaster ride. In year two, I found out he was cheating on me for a long period in the most insidious way. In the last six months of our relationship, the dark side of him became so overpowering. I couldn't give anymore, I was broken and lost and a nervous wreck. One year after our relationship ended, he was already married!!!
I don't chat.
You might find http://www.lovefraud.com helpful.
Glad the information was helpful. Remember it was HIM not you!
I am in the same sad, confused, abused, emotionally drained boat. I have been married to a "non-violent narcissistic sociopath" for almost 10 years. He is the stealth variety and malignant.
We have 2 young children (5 & 6) less than 13 months apart. I filed for legal separation - not even after the discovery of the 1st affair - I had NO CLUE as to the deviant other lives he's been creating for the past 5 years.
I felt sick and responsible, thought I was having a nervous breakdown and couldn't "fix" me enough to ever make him happy...turns out I was not the "problem". I was blind to the abuse (which @ times was physical & SO BLATENT), but so very slow and sneaky. It's a slippery slope and I am still a wreck, but awareness, family, friends, reading & therapy are helping.
I found a great forum for victims (and we are - though that is just as tough to take - I was (am) bright, intelligent, strong, vivacious, loving and 10,000 other truly good qualities that he "used up") called Out Of The Fog.
"Talking" (it's a message board) has helped me wrap my brain around HIS pathology - I still sometimes forget (especially when he plays "normal") that it's NOT ME who is the sick one.
I wish you all the best in your recovery. Take back what you know is true and don't "allow" these pathogolical destroyers any more power over your life.
Remember : Forgive & forget is a sentiment penned in hell, not heaven.
Im trying to get away from my narsc.wife of 30 years. Just got out of court, responding to a restraining order. I have 2weeks out of last 15 years that i had no protective order against me. I have been arrested a dozen times for d.v. and i dont hit my wife. She is the most EVIL person i have ever know. She has torn to pieces my last 7 bibles. She has beat on me for 25 years. I have heart failure. Pace maker, im on ssdi and today the judge awarded her half my ssdi. She has comitted 38 counts of fraud and forgery in my bank account and i just gave her my only asset. My car. Found out today she filled divorse papers. She has taken my from me. Im handsome, smart, a people person, but i dont know if i can go on like like this. I feel theres no hope. How sad!!!!
I am about to move out of my house and away from my NPD wife. She has no idea that there is anything wrong with her and believes that I am the one who is mentally ill, cruel, etc. My adult children are behind me 100% and yet I am feeling empty and alone. I have invested my whole being in trying to make the her world acceptable to her; and now that I am depleted and have no more to offer, I am being tossed out like yesterday's trash. Any resources I can be directed to will be gratly appreciated. I know I am a good person, but being told almost daily for years that I am not worthy has really messed me up.
Mine is a narcissistic mother, but the signs are the same. But, for the man whose wife committed 38 counts of fraud, I say, get a new lawyer!
ENTERTAINING DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS
When we entertain destructive patterns, we allow ourselves to not only look back to the dung, but we are also infusing poison into our blood stream. Our blood supply is what circulates and lets us breathe life in conjunction with our heart. So why would we allow such poison by these NARCS. They do not deserve the right time of day with us. We must take our eyes off of our situation and focus on our recovery. It is so easy to makes excuses as to why he/she did us wrong and constantly want our wounds licked to justify ourselves and to others. But the end result is US looking in the mirror and face the TRUE SELF! Securing our hearts is number one. Some will choose to remain single as others will remarry if they choose to. The ball is now in our court. Some are taking baby steps as others are growing by leaps and bounds. In order to climb to the top of our journey, we must start at the very bottom. At times, we make our situation so much more complex than what it is. Once we defragment every nook and cranny, we then can start illuminating from within and then outwardly. When you start the deep cleaning process, then your house (meaning you) will be in order. No one wants to live a life of disarray. A double-minded person is unstable in all their ways. Don't allow your thoughts of the NARC to resurface. If you want to live a normal and healthy life, you must put in the hard work period. There is no way of going around it. There are no cheat sheets! The mental blueprint is now in our hands to navigate and strategize.
Fantastic I have found a story just like mine.
So sorry for you and fully understand.
Not many people seem to believe me. This only makes things worse with my thoughts.
I have been seperated now for a year.
I am 3 weeks into my freedom of my narc wife of three years. It was brutal emotinal punishment right after the wedding. Non stop up and down crazy train. Twisting my reality, totally defensive ...being blamed for things she obviously did..ext...she was the stealth type, I'm the only one that sees it..that makes it extremely hard to save your own face. But I'm out and rapidly gaining back all things took from me emotionally. I did cave to her, I wanted to understand her way of thought... I wanted to help, I wanted to the the woman I seen in the beginning...it never happened. They won't change. I bombarded my self with info. I re-brainwashed myself with the truth of what was happening... Its not me ...its her. I stood up for myself one day (this takes some prep) and told her that I was not putting up with any more punishment from her mouth, nor buying into anything negative she has to say, and I'm not at fault for any of your personality issues...she would always say "you created what I became" ....total nonsense. Get outta there asap. Get your life back.stand up to them and they will fold like clean clothes. God bless good luck...just do it.
Being myself a middle aged woman I'm curious about why this article mention them: are middle aged women particularly targeted? Thank you!
Hi - I just broke off with a narcissist 7 weeks ago - what a revelation - I am sad, confused and wanting to go back but so relieved I discovered it after 1.5 years not 10 years - they are so draining, get worse with time and everyone thinks you making things up when you tell them how he was/is - the sneekiness and lies!! - from Davz
Thanks you for your inciteful blog on Entertaining Destructive Patterns. I think it is so easy to fall into the 'poor me', to focus on the past but Know that this is not helpful in my recovery. Yes, youre right, staying focussed on my recovery, building my self esteem and learning to love myself are the way forward. Also knowledge and understanding about NPD and Co dependency is helping. Also the roots of my co dependency (ie. having narcissistic parents...only just realised this and I am the typical middle aged woman mentioned ....just turned 50!)
However, having said all this, I still believe that a little offloading about how awful you have been treated is really important, and even more important to have your pain and suffering acknowledged by someone. There are different stages too to adjust to, i.e. my Narc ex is in a new relationship and introducing her to his family which hurts like hell to know. The pain cuts really deep, so very painful for Victims of Narcs, and non victims don't seem to understand the degree of pain we suffer, to the point where often suicide seems the easier option. This is not ordinary pain of loss, this is far different and is often not acknowledged by others, even therapists.
My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered/are suffering. You are not alone and there is help out there. AND ITS NOT YOU ITS HIM?HER!
I'm on week 7 of a 20 year on and off relationship. I seen the signs years ago and didn't understand what they were or why I couldn't stop loving him. The constant confusion and lies were so hard to understand. I'm hoping I will be able to get back to the old me because I am truly damaged.
I have been married to a Narcissistic Sociopath for 39 years and in a relationship with another Narcissist for 5 years before that (45 of the 60 years I have been on this earth). I never understood what I was doing wrong. My daughter recently educated me on the fact that I have not been doing anything wrong. The abuse is not my fault. How liberating! I am preparing to separate and have been educating myself on Narcissism and its victims. The site below has been especially helpful in shining a light on my situation and helping me to understand why I feel so lost and helpless... why I have been unable to 'fix' my marriage and how I got caught in the first place. Maybe it will help someone else. http://narcissisticbehavior.net/
I know exactly how you feel, and I imagine it's ten times harder for a man to feel this way. Gain support from all the resources you can, friends, church, etc. Start reading about narcissism, and read tons of personal development info. And also, I recommend getting in touch with your spirituality, in any way you like..meditating, reading about spirituality. It saved my life so really give it a genuine effort. Focus on your kids and keep moving, no matter what. Start working out. Help yourself, I believe in you but the one person that can ever help you is yourself. So believe in yourself. Practice positive thinking actively. Good luck you can do it!
I sort of had some major denial shattered when my father cheated on his wife while she was in hospice with stage iv cancer and then married the women he cheated with 8 days after the funeral. There had always been signs that he was pretty self absorbed but this took it to a whole new level. I pretty much wrote him off after that.
My narcissist was a co-worker that went out of his way to be my "friend".
Finally, I lost three relatives in a short amount of time and my parents began to argue with me a lot. I was starting to feel depressed and a little suicidal but I didn't tell anyone. One day, I went to work in a solemn mood and he asked "are you feeling down, like suicidal, maybe?" I tried not to say anything, but I nearly began to cry and I had to admit it. This was the worst thing that I could have ever done.
From that point onward, he would tell me that he wanted to help me but would turn around and insult me by saying that I needed psychiatric help because "only crazy people want to kill themselves". He would then ask me how I was feeling and if I were doing anything to change my situation. If I weren't doing things his way, he'd say "stay away from me if you don't want to listen to me". I was starting to feel worse due to his advice, but he was acting as if he was helping me. Finally, one day he asked how I was feeling and I said "terrible" and he said "well, don't talk to me and I am never calling you until you submit your crazy self to a psychiatrist as I asked... wait a minute, am I talking to you or your other personality? This is not you... nevermind... you're gone... I don't know who this is." He then abruptly ended the conversation and did not talk to me for days. During those days, with my personal situation, the deaths of relatives, and his efforts to try to make me believe I was crazy had me so suicidal that I had to call one of the emergency counseling numbers!
After that, I felt a lot better and resumed my life reconciling with my parents and moving on by myself. I even met a nice man and entered a relationship. It is important to note that the narcissist is African-American, I identify as African-American, and my boyfriend is Caucasian.
When the narcissist started to notice me looking refreshed at work, he started trying to re-enter my life as a "friend" again. He asked if I was in a relationship and wanted to know everything about the man, including looks, race, etc. However, he became very upset when he found out that he is Caucasian. At this point, he began to flirt again and try to act as if he wanted me again. I stopped him and told him that it was inappropriate because I belonged to another man. He said "ARE YOU SAYING THAT I AM A THREAT?" This was very arrogant because I would not even consider him over the nice man that I met. This man never played games and the narcissist could never compete.
The more happier I became, the more the narcissist seemed to become angry. I wasn't talking to him as a friend much or anything else because he already pushed me away at my lowest, so I could no longer trust him. He now began to call me ugly and say that "if you gain weight, your White boy will not want you". When I would question him, all of a sudden, he would have no recollection of saying any of these things. He would also invite me to All-Black events and tell me to bring my boyfriend knowing full and well that my White boyfriend would not be able to attend and would be shunned if he tried. He would also reprimand me for any Facebook posts that I make if he didn't like them and would reprimand me for things that I did at work even though he was not my boss.
At the end, he said "I control you" and I said "you are a master of manipulation, but you do not control me". He then went into a rage saying "the whole world is against me, all of you just want to bring a Black man down, everyone is watching what I am doing and talking sideways, all of my friends turn around and judge me, whatever I do is my business, I don't give a ****."
Hello, I am new to this so please bare with me. I am looking for advise from anyone that could help. I dont want to bore you all but need to let you know the story to get a true reflection, I need to know firstly was I abused by a NArcissist and how do I cope with getting over this.
I was with my partner for 4 years, engaged and lived together with 2 children from previous relationships.
I had known my ex since he was 5 and we met again 30 years later. He turned up at my door one day having just split up with his ex (that very day) complaining it was all her doing and how she was awful and crazy etc and how he couldnt stop thinking about me after all these years. I SADLY believed this.
So we started a relationship. He put me on a pedal stool and treated me amazing. I was so shocked at how amazing he was. He has a very high profile job and loved my son and I loved his daugther. We had problems like most couples especially with his ex which caused problems. He proposed to me after a year on valentines day and we lived together virtually straight away.
I however finished the relationship after a while due to things not seeming right, I was devastated and so was he apparently, he then told my family that he had slept with someone and regretted it instantly, I was completely in tatters over this as hoped our break would make him see the error of his ways not realising he would sleep with someone virtually straight away! anyway we got back together and this lasted 4 years. we still has problems but we always seemed to work out our issues. whislt with him, he was very protective. Hacked into my accounts and said he felt insecure even though he knew I would never cheat as I am a very loyal and moralled lady. He would always look at my phone or if I wanted to go out somewhere he would start panicking and didnt want me to go. He was never violent at all ( I feel I need to say that). But he changed alot. The attention became less and less. He got bored ever so quickly and always wanted to do different hobbies or go on twitter and wanted to save the world.
Anyway after me thinking that things werent right I called it a dday on the 1st of October 2014. I was in a mess! I really wanted him to see I was serious and change his ways. Well i was wrong. It took him only 4 days to take another women to Paris to meet her parents. He is still with her now, lives with her, is talking of getting engaged and marry and made her daugther meet her after just 1 week!! I am devastated to say the least! He has completely discarded me and my little boy who he had a wonderful relationship with. He claimed he would never want to meet another women if we were to break up, he claimed that he couldnt live without me and attempted suicide on 2 different occassions, he always cried on the occassions I left and said I was his only one true love! Well 3 and a half months later he has never got in touch with me, never apologised as he knows I found out abut this new women who i dont doubt was seeing whislt with me towards the end.He has 100% discarded my son and me and even our dog which we brought together,
I still see his daugther from time to time and the ex wife allows me to see her as we were close. This is hard as i miss her and shamefully miss what we had. But i feel I am normality for his daugther as she has to now live a life with a new step mum. His ex wife was the one who said he was a narcissist and told me that this is what he does. Can someone please help me with this as I am struggling beyond belief to get past this stage.
He also told someone that his new women is everything I wasnt and that has hurt me more then anyting. Thank you in advance.
Did you find a chat forum? I feel like I'm drowning in the exact same situation and would love to chat as well. I feel like telling my story and having someone who is able to relate relieves this overwhelming horror I feel. Let me know. Thanks
I recently figured it out that the man of my dreams maybe a narcissist. For the 2 years we've been dating I started to feel like I'm messed up. I'm from the "wrong side of the tracks" as he puts it. I'm so lost and sad. I don't have anyone but him. He knows that and loves to remind me of it. I am aware of the no contact option. But I have abandonment issues and just want to be loved. Help! Please!?
Oh my God, I can relate to most of you and whatever you had been through. I wish there was an instant chat option I would really want to talk to someone about my abusive relationship and he's still after my baby. He wants to take custody not because he loves him, no way, but just to belittle me, and as a revenge of divorce.
He is probably the sickest of all the men on Earth!!
There are many other forms of subtle psychological abuse, that I don't see mentioned often. So in an effort to help others recognize abuse and feel power over the direction of their life I'm going to list a fewf from my experience with an cerebral narcissist.
1) Victim: It doesn't feel like you ever loved, (which they didn't.)
2) Narcissist: When I knew you I did. In other words the victim did something to lose his love. It's the victims fault. The manipulation part is that if you simply behaved right the narcissist would love you. Not!!
Narcissist: You're driving 'us' away. Since the narcissist is the worst coward, he needs an army or the appearance of an army behind him. Again, it's all your fault. The narcissist has either successfully smeared you and convinced everyone that he's the nice guy and you're the crazy one or he gives you the appearance that he has done that. This tactic is themself fear and is brutally humiliating.
3) Narcissist: You ruin every holiday. He's ostracizing you and also etting you up. You can bet he will say or do something like the silent treatment to upset you and prove his point. It's all your fault, and he will slip by completely without blame and likely receive sympathy and support from his friends and family.
There's a lot more, and other narcissists may use different words, but the end game is always the same. Their abuse is especially brutal if your narcissist is a highly intelligent cerebral narcissist. They are quick and sharp with their words and will get you dancing everytime. Watch for this and leave as fast as you can. Their psychological abuse will kill you just the same.
You just described my 4 year marriage. Thank you.
Narcissist? This is a condition a suspected my young teen daughter has. How do she treat it? Her whole life I noticed how she always had to be the center of attention. I'd take her on play dates with other young friends of hers. She'd become so jealous and irratated if I were to pay any of the other girls any attention.. Her personality was like, she really didn't care one bit about anyone else except herself. I'm her parent, and she refuses to listen to correction. It tears her apart to be corrected.. She appears tough as nails, but she is very sensitive... I'm %100 sure she suffers from a narcissist dis order.. How do I help her?
Can anyone explain to me why I get to be violent towards my abuser at times? I've never been violent before, I was always the "fixer" in any situation. Is it a defense that's coming out in me?
Why do I sometimes get violent towards my NPD husband? I've never been a violent person in my life. I've always been the fixer in situations. What's going on in my head?
Can you recommend a therapist knowledgeable with NPD victims in Orange County, CA?
Anonymous @ 6:30pm
I am currently in the middle of a nasty divorce from a narcissist. My friends have established a go fund me to help pay for the legal costs, specifically a guardian ad litem for our 13 yr old daughter. I would like to donate anything that is raised over what is needed to an organization that specifically helps people dealing with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, rather than just general "domestic abuse". Do you know of any that deal with that specifically? It's SO important to find legal and mental help when getting out of that situation, however it has to be someone that is familiar with narcissistic abuse.
Join ONE MOMS BATTLE on Facebook.
Loads of support, ideas, legal stuff
Hey. Just found this site tonight. Wondering whether anyone out there is in the same or similar situation Narcissistic adopted mother, who has managed for years to try & isolate me from my entire family & extended family too. Well she succeeded! I have had to cut all ties regardless, so of course I'm to blame yet again. Feel isolated and a bit lonely at times, most days/nights I manage to keep my head up, well guess tonight is not one of them nights :l
I know how you too feel Shawn. Keep your head up and keep this positive things in the front of your mind! You know the old saying, fake it till you make it?" Well it actually works. So if you keep telling yourself positive happy things then eventually you will start truly believing them and feeling them!
I have been separated since Aug. 2014. I have been married for just about 18 years. I wasnt able to afford an attorney until recently, and my ex refused to divorce me because then he got to keep all the money. He is a retired E-8 of 24 years. Needless to say he gives me no part of our retirement and is not even paying child support.
Anyway, the first couple months of separation were great! Then the panic set in, because I was no longer the independent, strong minded and willed woman that I used to be. I pretty much stayed in panic and depression mode for about 9 months or longer. It was horrible. I barely got out of bed. Constantly tried to talk to him all the while he is taking me on the normal rollercoaster of emotions, with his girlfriend right next to him. He bad mouthed me to my daughter. Convinced her to stay with him at first by telling her, who was 15 at the time, he would blow his head off if she left! Pretty much brain washed her into thinking that her and I had a terrible relationship and that we fought all the time, which was the total opposite of our relationship! My children used to beg me to get a divorce and all I did was defend this evil man, try to smooth things over. Attempting to convince my kids that their dad loved them and me and was just having a hard time with something. Trying to counteract all of the terrible things he used to say to all of us, so that at least my kids would grow up happy and secure, which did not happen. I mean my two daughters have had a series of bad boyfriends who were just like their dad. My son, who is the oldest and also had the most tender heart that when he was 5 let a much smaller child beat him at wrestling because at practice he saw the boy crying when he lost because his dad would yell at him, is now an angry man who is having some "failure to launch" type behaviors. As well as crushed self esteem because his dad openly said horrible things about him. Ugh, yeah, I definitely shouldn't have married him.
Anyway for the past month or two I have finally started feeling better. I quit talking to him all together and it did a world of good! Now I am looking at him without love in my eyes and I see what a selfish, weak,not anywhere near as intelligent as he acts, no good bully, JERK he is and I am FULL of regret. But instead of it being regret about leaving I have regret for ever being there to begin with.
And you know what, it actually isn't only him! With my eyes finally open I am seeing all the narcissists in my life, and my gosh, I am surrounded by them. They are like vampires that have been sucking on my soul and I didn't even notice! I feel like a fool, BUT a fool on a mission! I am so tired of these type of people! So, so far I have gotten away from my ex plus 4 people I was a friend to, they weren't to me though, it was a one way friendship!
It is so liberating getting these leeches off of my soul! I feel great!
Tomorrow I will file my divorce papers and try to serve that jerk, although it seems that he is trying to hide! I was fair with splitting the money and debt, even though I probably shouldn't have been! Especially since I asked him to please give me $200 to help buy food for his kids and he refused! I had even told him that I would keep all of my debt and let him keep all of the IRA money if he would just do that. Apparently $200, when you have no bills is to much!
Anyway, like I said, I was fair, but I am certain it will not be enough for him. I fully plan on fighting if he wants to fight, and I fully plan to make him pay for it as well.
My advice to you, Shawn and anyone one else in this situation, is look around you. See if you are still being fed on by some soul sucking narcissistic vampire and get rid of them! Move on and change you life for the better. If you are a helper person like me, then help the ones that will value it and help you in return! I even got rid of one that I thought was my best friend for 24 years! No more, I am done being a doormat for these people. I am a Strong, Independent, Intelligent, Beautiful, Humorous, Kind Hearted, Mother of 4, and Grandma of 1 perfect little princess! I am on my way to opening my own business. I have found a man that is almost just like me, that I have actually known and been friends with for over 20 years. I am learning two new skills that I have always been interested in, and I am finally starting to feel like Leea again. It is amazing and it will happen for you too!
Thank you for your service Shawn, and know that there is some wacky lady out there that thinks you are awesome!
Take care, and sorry for the book lol!
Such great advice Jim!
I am happy for you that you have came out of this on top with your children!
My husband had me believing that it was me too. That I wasnt good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or anything else!
I also started being convinced that I was going crazy. He used to tell me he thought I was schizophrenic, because he knew that was a button for me since members of my family were. The gas-lighting the he did was the worst part! He would say something and within minutes be saying that he didn't say that and that I was nuts!
I wish there was a vaccine for this hahahaha!
I am so sorry that this is happening to you! I can't believe they ordered you to give her a portion of your disability check! That seems ridiculous to me!
I know how you feel when it comes to the fraud! My husband opened two credit cards in my name, filed taxes in my name, (which made me unable to get the type of Pell grants that I needed for school), and at one time he gave his girlfriend a POA for my daughter by forging my name!
He also has stolen from all of his kids. His parents, I thought, gave us a truck. Well unbeknownst to me, they told him that the truck was for our son! None of us knew until one day my son was traveling across the country, moving to a new job, when he stopped to see his grandparents. His grandpa asked him why he wasn't driving his truck!
He also filed taxes using my daughter and granddaughter as dependants so that he could get a good refund, even thought they didn't live with him and my daughter was working and could have gotten a few thousand back.
He also opened a bank account for our under age daughter that is connected to his account and he has been stealing money from her. Also he opened a credit card in her name.
I honestly do not know what to do about this stuff either!
Try to keep your head up, it has to get better!
You are so right! Well said!
I fell in love with Satan himself. He has taken every shred of self confidence, self esteem, and self worth away from me. I have no clue who I am, or how I ended up like I am. I used to be strong and independent, but now i'm weak. He made sure he weakened me, and now he hates me because he says I don't have a backbone. I met him through a "friend", which happened to be his cousin. I didn't want to meet him at first because he lived in another state, but she kept pressing the issue saying what a wonderful man he was, and he could be my next husband. She said he needed a good woman, and she thoughtI was the one. We talked for a couple of months over the phone before we met, and I was really impressed by him. When we finally met it was love at first sight. We we're head over heels for eath other. He told me he planned on moving to the state I live in, and we was going to buy a house, and he wanted to marry me and that he wanted me to have his baby. Well it's 4 1/2 yrs later, and he still lives out of town, we're "engaged"(he wont set a date), and no baby(besides his baby from another woman that i'm raising).
I had my tubes tied after my first marriage(ex-husband forced me to get my tubes tied because he didn't want anymore kids, but then cheated on me and got his mistress pregnant). My fiance asked me to get my tubes untied because he wanted another child, at first I didn't want to, but then I felt that I found my soulmate so I agreed to get them untied. A year into our relationship he dropped a bomb on me that during the first month of our relationship he was with another woman because he didn't know where things were going with us at that time, and she ended up pregnant. I stayed with him and she had the baby, and a bloodtest revealed that he was the father. She started abandoning the little boy, and I helped him get custody. He said he still wanted me to hsvr his baby, and to raise his son as my own. I raised the money and got all of my paperwork together to get my tubes untied, then he started acting cold towards me. I didn't know why, I made the appt around the time he told me to make it, then he exploded on me and said that it was too soon for us to be having a baby, i was rushing everything, and he didn't want a baby anymore. I was crushed, but then he said that just because he didn't want me to have his baby didn't mean that he didn't want to be with me.
I found out that he was still marryied to his ex wife, he divorced her, then told me that he wasn't marrying me no time soon because he just divorced her. Then he told me that he is gonna marry me this summer(after I found pictures of other females in his phone). Now he's acting crazy again, he threatened to cheat on me because I was getting too close to his sister. I know im in discard phase, but my crazy butt is scared of losing him. How can I love someone so much who has caused me so much agony and pain? He has said some very hurtful things to me(unprovoked), like he sees why my ex cheated on me, i'm weak and don't have a backbone like his ex, i'm ugly, i'm too skinny. He critizes the way I dress, basically everything I do. He tells me I need to dress better, but when I buy something new he goes crazy and tells me I waste money, and he can't be with someone like that. I take care of his every needs, but nothing I do is ever good enough. So now im questioning myself, why am I crying over him, why do I love him so much. He made sure my world revolved around him, and now I don't have nobody to talk to. I feel like i'm living in hell.....and right now im waiting for him to call me.
Well said....makes a whole lot of sense.
Hi I really need advice I am so depressed and don't know what to do anymore my stepson is a narcissist but really don know how to Handel it because my husband looks at me like I'm the one always in the wrong he is so good at manipulating everything I'm really going crazy please I need help
Good luck with that Gaby. I've never known an NPD to change their spots. I know all too well what you're going through.
My wife is a classic NPD. Incredibly angry and negative at EVERYBODY. She has a negative opinion of everyone where she knows them or not. She wakes up and goes to bed spewing the same negative loop. She talks at people but there's never a real exchange or back-and-forth of ideas like everyone else in this world. It's all her opinion, her thoughts, her feelings, her everything. And crafty with her manipulation as well.
Three weeks ago I left after 24 years of marriage. She had given me a few ultimatums that I couldn't abide by but I knew discussing it was hopeless. I just started trying to put together a plan and prepare myself emotionally and mentally for the eventual day but it, in my mind, would be months away. One day she came home from an errand and just started badgering me and taking my inventory like I had no heart, no feelings, no soul and like 24 years of marriage meant nothing to her. Out of the blue and completely unprovoked. It was insanity. Like she was just in the mood to beat me up verbally and get her licks in.
I could make a list of things I've contributed over the years time, money, resources of all kinds to facilitate her life but all of a sudden I was bum, a leach, a parasite.
I suddenly thought "why am I sitting here taking it again?" I got up and grabbed what I could within arms reach, packed a bag and left the marital business and house we shared and filed for divorce the next day. That was three weeks ago.
So now at 50 I'm unemployed, living in a studio apartment with my 84 y/o mother because I have no place else to go and waiting for the divorce to spit out whatever assets it does with the hopes that it's enough to start life again. But oh man, 50! Starting over again?!! I"m so creeped out now, anxiety over-load and unable to function beyond getting out of bed and brushing my teeth in the morning. A simple email from her gives me heart palpitations and I can't breathe. I still have some things at the house but there's no way I can go back. I'm a grown man but I'm shaking in my boots at the thought of seeing her angry, I-want-to-kill-you, eyes. She's as hard as granite. Mean and evil. I've never known anyone to hate me so much and I'm the nicest guy I know. Too nice. I'm a people pleasure and I facilitated her life on a daily basis.
I gotta find a support group or something locally, maybe a psychologist who specializes in NPD would be a good thing.
Good luck everybody. Glad I found this site so I could share and get this out. NPD people are so incredibly damaging it's unbelievable the devastation they cause. I thought it was me for awhile. Then I knew it was her later on and then years ago I realized what I had married. Funny thing is her whole family is kinda twisted in this weird unsensitive and kinda selfish way. Not as bad as my ex. I mean I used to think I had this dysfunctional background in my family but it was nothing but typical bad human behavior - cheating, alcoholism...nice people...but bad form y'know? But my wife and her people are definitely sociopathic in their issues....god help me...
Therapy seemed to work for us where we both learned to compromise for one another and communicate better. Things were looking up. He would always bring up the fact of us having a family one day and he would even hand me listings of houses he was interested in buying for us to move in together. Everything seemed fine. Once again the abuse started again and I was being told that I was not woman enough and that my pursuing in culinary was not cutting it for him. I eventually shut down because I did not know exactly what the next steps were and I really was in love with this guy. He made me feel things I have never felt before. I guess those feelings distracted me from paying mind to the red flags. At the same time that we found out we were expecting his son was diagnosed with crohn's disease. He asked me to abort something he knew I was completely against. When I chose not to abort he left me and I was about 10 weeks pregnant. Since then he has yet to try to make things works and says I did this all to myself. That I am a fool for keeping our child and he has not fought for us again ever since.
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