Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, June 02, 2022

Emotional Abuse or Am I Going Crazy?

The blows of physical or sexual abuse are oftentimes obvious. Broken bones, bruises, and lacerations leave scars as evidence. Yet worst of all are the scars of emotional abuse - nearly invisible to the naked eye. Unfortunately, these can be more caustic, long-lasting, and life-altering than those left by any other type of abuse and the psychological damage the most profound.

What is emotional abuse? Sometimes called "Ambient Abuse," it is an extremely subtle form of control and manipulation that may go unrecognized for months or years – many times even by those on the receiving end – at least until it is too late. By the time the victim is aware of the actual abusive behaviors, she has oftentimes become a bundle of nerves and finds it difficult to see her way off the emotional roller coaster ride she’s stuck on. Worse yet, she can’t even explain what’s happening to her, and in some cases, she may actually think she is going crazy; struggling with anxiety, depression, fear, or eventually – apathy. She may quit doing anything, for fear of doing it "wrong" - at least according to the controller in her life.

Abusers and controllers may start out using little digs like, "Honey, everyone knows that you do it this way …," as just another way to say, "How stupid are you that you don’t know this?" Constant criticism becomes part of the game. "You are too fat, dumb, ugly," or even, "I wish I had that abortion instead of having you!" These are all ammunition in emotional abuse.

Even teasing can be abusive, for it frequently has some truth at its core. Jane lives in a marriage where her husband’s teasing-type cuts are constant. "The Ayatollah says dinner is ready," he announces regularly whenever they have guests. He thinks it’s funny. She certainly doesn’t. And what are we, the guests supposed to think – that he is paying her a compliment? Absolutely not. I don’t care how much he smiles or laughs when he throws it out there – it is meant to wound. And she knows it. And he knows that she knows it.

Emotional abuse may take the form of the controller limiting the "victim’s" outside contacts. "You don’t need anybody but me," he may remind you constantly, and can actually get angry if you spend time with your friends or family, even on the phone. The more he can lock you away from your external support systems, the more he locks you in his boxx of control.

Deanna’s husband tells her what time she can go to bed, what she is allowed to eat, and just how long she’d better be gone when she goes out to do errands. He never gives her a birthday or Christmas gift. He threatens to kill her and hide her car if she doesn’t obey him. He makes her recite each day that she is worthless – that he will tell her what she is worth, what she can and can’t do, and who she is allowed to see when. This is obviously extreme emotional abuse.

Unfortunately, all these situations may seem extremely difficult to escape for the victim. The brainwashing of weeks, months, and years of constant demeaning remarks are meant to make her feel worthless and as though no one else in the world could love her. Thus, her fear of leaving exceeds the fear of staying, and even worse – many times she blames herself for all that is wrong. Guilt becomes her constant companion. Leaving seems impossible. And besides, it’s "not that bad." For if it were, there would certainly be broken bones to prove it. Or so she believes.

If you find yourself trapped in the boxx of emotional abuse, it’s important to know you CAN escape! The long-term emotional damage caused by this type of situation will affect your physical as well as your mental health – and that of your children. While there may not be laws protecting you from the constant verbal attacks, you do have the ability to recognize it for what it is – definitely NOT something that goes hand-in-hand with a loving relationship. Furthermore, teaching your children that this is an acceptable behavior only leads them to believe that emotional abuse is an acceptable part of a normal relationship. Would you wish this for your child? Or your grandchild?

Mary Jo Fay is a speaker and writer. Her latest book is called, "When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong – Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life."

(the above group does not allow any discussions involving the children or parenting issues)

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shared by Barbara at 12:19 AM



Hello Barbara, I just wanted to let you know what a wonderful job you are doing with this blog.

I have finished my review of "Sanctuary for the Abused" and I'm pleased to inform you that your blog has been added to Blogging Women.

It's my pleasure to add another quality women's blog to our directory.

Please keep up the outstanding work!

1:33 PM  

Hello i am Deepak from India.first you should know about myself.I was an alcoholic for 14 years and after i lost everything now i am sober.I have a blog about addiction and de-addiction.I had just have another blog that is about Abuse and child abuse.I can write about addiction but when i saw some posts on abuse i created a blog.I just want you to visit my blog and reply me how it is and i want you to guide me for further posts i can post.I am not expecting more from you.Thank you

8:10 AM  

Hi, My name is Jessica and I came across your blog on the web during my search for understanding abuse. I think Its a great blog and it fills me with hope. I am trying my best to leave my verbally abusive husband of 8 years. I never thought that I even had the courage to look up this. With everyday I am getting stronger just by reading words of encouragement and understanding and knowing that I am not alone. Thank you for this wonderful blog, and god bless you!

11:37 PM  

With ambient abuse there is no clear verbal abuse. The abuse is suggestive. What you are aware of you are in control of; what you are not aware of is in control of you.

They push your aggression threshold by doing a lot of little annoying things that increasingly grow, then they stonewall.

When they sense you are moving away from them they pull you in with public displays that make them look good.

When you speak out publicly, they move against you behind the scenes to garner attention and fly under the radar while you waste your time trying to foster the "relationship".

Their rules for their target(s) are differ from their rules for the rest of society.

Lying is done with words and also with silence. They atmospherically disapprove and get angry. When you question them about what's going on, they feign not knowing what you're talking about and do a complete turn around.

Share an accomplishment that doesn't reflect on them and they act as if it doesn't exist or atmospherically discount it with subtle and quick facial gestures, body language and then make a public gesture that feigns support.

It's a disorienting dance of interpersonal relating.

Your complaints are seen by outsiders as churlish, a liability.

As their thespian selves slowly become apparent to you, they use the ears of ones they have the opportunity to manipulate in moving against you while simultaneously doing just enough to keep you there.

This type plays on their friend's, family members and law enforcements natural urge and responsibilities to come to the aid of a friend they are lead to believe is being "unjustly" treated. Some are manipulated by the illusion they project as you were and for some your suffering is a source that appeals to the cruel nature of humans. Most would not support a raping of the soul if they were aware of what was occurring.

I don't know what the label is, I'm not a shrink. It's as if they project their dark side onto you and smirk while watching you become what they harbor inside them and publicly display charm.

What you were lead to believe was the perfect mate reveals itself as a dispassionate, unaccountable monster. You are abandoned and left with trying to understand what is happening. When they have used you up to serve their "purpose" and literally dispose of you and ignore you as if you are a useless, ungrateful piece of garbage.

1:53 PM  

My counselor calls this crazy-making, and indeed it is! I was married for 20 years to someone that could twist things around until my head would spin, until I was the one in a rage, and when he left a year ago, I am finally starting to find peace in my life.
It isn't easy though getting away from it. The guilt I carried, the doubts and the inability to think for myself, has been horrible. At times I think I've been brainwashed, that's what it feels like.
And it doesn't help that so many people take his side. He has played the victim in all of this, even telling people that I kicked him out when it was him that packed up his car and left one day. I even had a neighbor tell me how hard it is for her to believe he could be like that because he is just so nice. :(
But slowly I'm finding myself again, becoming a new person, and it feels so good to be free, well, almost! LOL
If this describes a relationship you are in, run away fast and do not look back. Do not spend any more of your our life allowing someone else to abuse you and take away who you are. You are worth much more than that.

8:45 PM  

One of the most dangerous and subtle forms of emotional abuse is "gaslighting".

This description of “Gaslighting” can be found on the Wikipedia website:

"Gaslighting" is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception.

The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light (originally known as Angel Street in the United States), and the 1940 and 1944 film adaptations. The plot concerns a husband who attempts to drive his wife to insanity by manipulating small elements of their environment, and insisting that she is mistaken or misremembering when she points out these changes. The title stems from the husband's subtle dimming of the house's gas lights, which she accurately notices and which the husband insists she's imagining.

"Gaslighting" has been used colloquially, since at least the early 1980s, to describe psychologically upsetting manipulations of the type depicted in the play and film. In her 1980 book The Best Kept Secret: Sexual Abuse of Children Florence Rush writes, "even today the word [gaslight] is used to describe an attempt to destroy another's perception of reality."

5:26 PM  

Thank you for this post. I've linked to your blog on my own, mostly so I can keep coming back. My blog is more of a personal account of my life as a victim of emotional abuse. I started it today and hold vain hope that the story will have a happy ending. For me, my abuser is my mother and it's been going on for all my 28 years, and before. I'm the product of emotional abuse and I have no idea which of the ideals and perceptions that nurture has formed are healthy or not. I'm approaching sources of help, and I hope that one day I can discover the healthy person I want to be in my mind.

5:33 PM  

I am scared. He left me, he came back, he holds it against me that i did something while he was gone. none of this is about him leaving our family, but about what i did. i have changed my life to prove my love, and i think i sealed the box. Because i am trapped. i do what he says, it's still wrong. i am terribly alone, and very frightened, i don't know what to do. is it me? i feel crazy sometimes.

11:44 AM  

I lived with ambient abuse for most of my life. My birth family used a combination of ambient abuse and physical abuse to keep the victims of sex abuse quiet, isolated, and under control.

I think the worst part of that kind of abuse is that the abuser enlists the victim in the abuse. In essence, we become like walled towns--only the enemy has gotten inside the gates.

Doing that removes the last right of victims--the right to hate what is being done to them. Abusive jokes and verbal abuse deprive one of the right to say, "That hurts. Stop."

If you do speak up, you are labelled "over-sensitive," "thin-skinned," "stupid," "rigid," and "ill-informed." And if you don't laugh at the jokes the word goes around that you "have no sense of humor." And so the last level of protection is breached, because all too often we learn to believe those things ourselves.

8:35 PM  

Here is my experience with verbal abuse, always behind closed doors:

10:32 PM  

Dear Amy, I'm in the same situation, I desperately want to leave but I don't know how and when, mainly because I pay the rent

9:07 AM  

thankyou for your blog my name is Mary i have been in a abusive relationship for 17 years i left when he had a house built we never got married then i came back and now its his house he works away for four weeks and come back for a week when he comes back its i owe him something as stay there drive our son to tafe and pay no rent. he used to communicate with me but the last time he left i told him had enough so now he dose not talk to me at all he threatens to kick me out all the time and have no where to go i am trying to get stronger while he not here but find my self upset he dose not talk to me this confuses me alot
but am trying to get stronger and stronger reading books and my diary my son can be abusive as well. calling me names

9:56 AM  

I am not sure what to say about emotional abuse, except it is dangerous to a persons mind! I am in the same situation, I cant stand him, he makes a lot of money yearly, but its the money or my happiness! Every year I get a brand new hundred thousand dolllar car of my choice, but every year i ask my self if it's worth it? This year i am going to get out, I am young and going back to school to get my degree, which he does not care if if I do! I have learned that what ever he has given me materialisticlly, the cars,houses, money was not worth losing my self esteem. We have been living together for years and he is faithful but sees me as a personal house keeper, or butler that should run after him and keep ou lives in order, if I didn't have dreams of my own this would be okay, but I do, so f him!

1:44 AM  

Emotional abuse is extremely life-altering and can cause psychological damage, particularly if this happens to children. Sometimes, those children who are in a foster care system are experiencing this kind of emotional abuse. A place where they should feel loved and worthy is sometimes the place where they become a victim of emotional distress. Children do not deserve this kind of treatment, and they should be given justice with the help of a foster care abuse attorney.

12:27 PM  

I am happy to say that I left my situation about 2 months ago. I am a mother of 2 beautiful children and I made the change in hopes to get the real "ME" back. I had been with my significant other for 18+ years and was never appreciated, nor did I feel safe or secure. I spent most of those years crying and wondering who I was as he was belittling me all the while. I am lucky to have my sister that helped get me away from him. I am struggling with how to let my children see him as we live in CA. and their father is in MN. I am told that it may not be a good idea to let them be around him as he has shown signs of manipulation towards them as well. I just would like to be happy again and not be afraid of the world. I want to be confident and hold myself up. I know I have so many great things to offer someone but I'm so afraid of not being pretty enough or good enough for that someone out there. I was even told that I couldn't kiss that well after 18 years. I BELIEVE that and it scares me. I am just starting to read about emotional abuse and it seems strange that there are so many similarities to my situation. I was lead to believe that it was me but now as I read these blogs it has opened my little eyes to see that I may be able to set myself free. I know now that I have made a VERY BIG CHANGE for the better by getting away. I just need help to get my life back.

Thanks for listening :)

2:02 PM  

Mild emotional abuse is bad enough.

7:32 PM  

im a 20 year old married moslem lady from south africa. i have a 2 year old daughter and i am about to have my second child now. i want to leave but where do i turn to we still stay with my parents and i have alienated most friends and family. i work a full time job and i have a heart murmur. i need to leave this man the emo abuse has come to such an extent that i actually thought he was possessed by a demon or something. he refuses to pray he refuses to respect me my family religion he blames me for his life not turninf out the way he wanted to. please i need advise iblove him alot and he ia the father of my children burvi cant put my babies through this crap its xome to such a point that i even contemplated suicide bur thats the cowards way out and i'll be damned if i let him make a coward out of me. i fear most of what thwvpeople will say especially my in laws ifbi leave him. im working a job i hate bur have to to make money he wont allow me to pursue my dream of becoming a police officer i want to help people ironic wgen i cant even help myself.

1:36 PM  

I just came accross this blog serching for help and answers on what to do. My life has been ripped away from me by a mean controlling man that leaves me trapped in a house to cook clean and take care of his 84 ur old mom that has alzheimers and is very confused and mean he has the Deb believing she is normal and he even yells at her to eat and to stop being confused. If I talk to my daughter on the phone he gets so mad and throws fits on me.I. have not been able to leave this house for over 2 months I. Am going crazy I. Have multiple police reports on him but the cops wont do anything I. Can't live like this anymore what do I do he shouldn't even have his mom here.

1:38 PM  

Hello, I'm looking for help. I'm not happy in my 16 year marriage. I find myself crying most of the time, have 3 children living with us that see me cry and I don't know how to get out. The emotional abuse is killing me and my kids. Help... I don't know why I'm not strong enough to leave, im afraid I will not make it on my own. 90034

9:27 PM  

I have almost been married 2 years. My husband has been talking to women inappropriately and cheating since almost day one. its a really long story but mostly I found very insulting conversations online he was having with women he knows. Sexual in nature and very insulting in the worst ways to me. We moved on from that he said it was nothing. all the way daily telling me im crazy because I don't trust him. I have mental problems. His brother never believed anything I said because he told him and everyone else that I was just crazy. He would do things, that even till this day I can not prove, to make me suspicious of him when he was doing nothing. so that when he was doing something suspicious I wouldn't trust my instincts.

Well about 8 months into our marriage he started having an affair that I found out about 3 months later. during this time he treated me horrible. He would tell me im ugly, that I stink, that no one likes me. but only if I accused him of cheating otherwise he would tell me Im beautiful. The most wonderful women in the world. I got to the point where I was showering sometimes 3 times a day because I was so scared that I stunk. He wouldn't come home till 5 in the morning and tell me the car broke down and his phone died and he fell asleep on the side of the road. and if I distrusted him I was crazy. I had no proof of anything and he is such a good husband to me he would say and he didn't deserve the disrespect I was giving him.

there were so many instances of him trying to make me look crazy and untrusting. he had a relationship marketing business he was doing so he has to talk to a lot of people and make appointments with them all the time to show the business and his brother does this with him. He tries to make it seem to his brother that I just don't want him to be successful. but he was leaving the house at 8 am and not coming home till 1 or 2. He also worked a regular job inbetween these hours. My husband is Nigerian so his brother saw me as a crazy white American women that is trying to control her husband. he hid is phone. always kept it locked. in fact one time I tried to take it he broke my phone in half and twisted my arm behind my back. to be continued...

11:46 AM  


There were times I would get dressed to go to a meeting with him and he would speed off, in my car because when I met him he had nothing, and tell me I was crazy and controlling and he had someone to pick up so I couldn't go. when he was with the other women and I called him he would put the phone on speaker so she could here and would laugh at me while I was talking and I would ask whats going on and he would just laugh and say nothing....

well that ended when I caught him. I only caught him because I almost lost my mind. I would sit on the porch for hours and wonder why I was so crazy. why I couldn't trust him. then I search his things. and then I got the phone records and began to search them and caught him. I was going mad.

The affair ended and since then I have no proof that he cheats but there have been many situations that I would almost swear he was. he would get derogatory texts from women about how they had fun sexually with him and he would say they are just friends and he doesn't know why they would say that. now he uses the excuse that he isn't doing anything im just persecuting him for his affair last year.

I have constant nightmares about him cheating on me. if I question him he gets really mean. I was laid off from my job and now he tells me im lazy, even though all I do is cook and clean. I have no friends. he says I can have friends but if I have friends things get very bad between us. He will always use it as an excuse to run out and talk to women because he says im cheating. then when I have no friends he says its my fault because I don't talk to people. one night I went to babysit my girlfriends kids and I invited him to come and he declinced and took my daughter out instead. The whole night because he was mad at me for going he kept calling a women he had im almost certain an affair with. she called me and told me he was calling her and she told him to stop and he wouldn't. he says his phone is having problems and just keeps calling her. even though she isn't a contact on his phone. and if I question it im crazy and controlling. to be continued....

11:47 AM  

However when things get bad he gets so good. He would hold me at night and say loving things and tell me I just have to relax and trust him that I cant let my mind get the best of me. that im too negative and need to be a more positive person. and he will take me out and we do family things and its just so wonderful. for about a month or two....then the pattern starts again.

I am a psychology major and I came across gaslighting and ambient abuse and only recently am I wondering if my situation appys...I just don't know. I go back and forth between maybe hes right because I grew up abused maybe I cant trust him. but down deep inside where I have to admit to myself this isn't the case. I actually started to seriously consider it after a very simple incident. I had a drink I was drinking. I got up to take care of something and I came back and my drink was gone. I laughed at him and asked if he stole my drink. he said no that I just don't realize when im drinking and eating. and I was so surprised that I had drank it all. well my father was watching the whole thing and when my father went to leave after his stay with us he told me he was concerned my husband was manipulating me. he told me he would drink my drinks and eat my food and move things just to leave me confused...I know that isn't abuse but it begins after a while to make me feel as though I wasn't in touch with reality.

he doesn't physically abuse me but sometimes he will hold me or grab me and it will leave bruises on my arms because he has very strong hands. he doesn't hit me. or if I try to grab his phone he will tackle me and I will end up getting bruised because to him if I take his things he has the right to do what needs to be done to get them back. but he plays with my mind and makes me feel something is going on and that's why I grab the phone. to be continued...

11:48 AM  

continued... only after I showed some bruises on my face and body to his brother and after I found out about the affair did he believe me about everything that had been going on. he tried to make his brother believe prior to that that I was hitting him!!

well now that time has gone by everyone is back on his side and im the crazy one because I just cant get over the past....

im so sorry to write a whole book. I left so many things out I didn't know how to condense it any further. this is my first time of actually approaching this subject. I guess what I want to this abuse... am I really just crazy?? I go to extreme lengths to try to catch him and sometimes it makes me feel that I am crazy... I have no one to talk to...

11:49 AM  

I'm a victim of gaslighting. 33+ years. According to my husband I'm nuts/crazy/wacko/abusive to him. I'm stupid, always wrong, always trying to make trouble etc. The charge of being abusive to him stems from when I collect the courage to confront him. We had our discussion, then when I walked away, I received a text telling me he would be nicer to me if I quit hitting him in the face. I wouldn't dare lift a finger against him as he has choked me numerous times and told me if I ever touched him, he would kill me. I have Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy type 1. He tells me, even though I've been diagnosed, that there is nothing wrong with me. He even convinced my dr (at the time) that I am faking it all; even a 4 week stay in a hospital (long before our marriage) didn't happen. My cousin was amazed when the dr told me that it had never happened as she had visited me in the hospital & I lived with her family at the time. I have been told I ruined him financially (when he left me for another woman) and then he bought himself a house. He left me penniless, closing the bank account, telling me he had to be rid of me & why couldn't I die. What doesn't make any sense is the statement: I'm important at my work, I'm somebody, I have to have a divorce. I'm the one who has to pay for a divorce & I have no money. He tricked the real estate agent into allowing his name to go on title for my house I paid for with my moms inheritance mone,which he said belonged to him as I owed it to him for him supporting me in marriage. I didn't give it to him and now nobody will believe me when I tell them he wants me dead so he can sell this house for the money. Last 4th july he said to me "I'm surprised nobodys killed you yet for this house". I changed the locks & Hurricane Kyle hit! I don't know how to get my house sold, have him sign over the deed of sale, and get away from him alive. He bought a gun. He's acting like he's still my owner & I think he thinks it's ok for him to move back just because we're still married. I hate him! He is quite literally killing me because I'm denied health care. He told the neighborhood that he left me 'cause I was cheating, am a hypochondriac, & have plenty of money.I can't go on like this. DV told me to kiss his ass til house sells, but he's dragging his feet and it hasn't gone on market yet. Much more than I've put desperate as lately has taken to pushing me & have had 3 major head injuries & multiple bruises, bent arm bones, chunks of skin gone, my back snapped & won't stop hurting. All this on top pf my multiple conditions and muscle wasting due to the MD1. HELP!!! Susan E.

4:44 PM  

You are lucky that is all the neighbor thought. My H told the neighbors I was the unfaithful one, that I was a hypochondriac, & had plenty of money. I. Have advanced myotonic muscular dystropy type 1, untreated as he denies anything wrong with me & I am forbidden to go to drs. One neighbor called me a whore & said" I know all about you! Your husband told me all about you". I paid for my house with my moms inheritance. He was livid! I was told to give him the money 'cause I owed it to him ffor his financial support over 33+ years. I am trying to sell it, he drags his feet & won't remove things from house. Afraid I won't live long enough, he bought a gun. I have text with all his wishes. So much more to tell. He bought a house after I was told I had financially ruined him; obviously NOT! He hid my bank checks for ten months, wedding rings appeared by my alarm clock 1 1/2 yrs later. He hid my cell at bottom of a packed box, called it, laughed and said "what would you do without me". I fall quite easily and often. So he pushes me and I fall & hurt myself badly; am told it's what I deserve. I have suffered 3 major head injuries & have brain damage; again no drs or help & it's what I deserve. Once I lost it & pushed him away; next thing I know, I'm on my tiptoees his hand squeezing my neck a& being told to mever touch him or he'll kill me. I believe him. He suggests counseling but always has excuse not to go. Says nobodys business what goes on in his house. Not allowed friends, 2 weeks after marriage he announced he wanted a divorce as he didn't like me talking to my friends on the phone. I complied because I didn't want to be a failure. I have a double whammy on abuse as my father abused me til I was 17 & I left home. So my selfesteem was already low & I was the perfect victim. My problem is how to stay alive, sell my house, & move in with my daughter & her family. I wish everyone the best at copeing with this unfortunate & insidious problem.

12:43 AM  

my recent ex boyfriend is emotionally abusive. he would call me stupid and yell at me and cuss. He is always angry and he did so many messed up things to me, he left me stranded outside a mall until 12am by myself he then picked me up after I blew up his phone crying telling him that I was scared, when we got to his house he proceeded to apologize to me and even though I wasn't really feeling having sex he pinned me down and I had to just give in since he was my ride back home. he would get me all excited about coming to pick me up to spend the weekend together and when the day would come he would ignore me and never show up. if he did we would usually end up arguing. I started to believe it was my fault that I deserved to be yelled at. We have been on and off for almost a year. He forces me to get on all kinds of birth control and he told me that if I'm ever pregnant I would have to have an abortion. the day before Xmas we got in an argument because I wanted for us to meet each others families since we were in the honeymoon stage after a mutual breakup. he apologized and I got back with him. anyway he blew up called me names then he became silent again I haven't heard from him anymore I txtd and called him like crazy trying to figure out what's happening but nothing. I'm afraid he's going to come back like always and I'm going to forgive him. I'm not even sure if we're even broken up? I'm currently dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression because of this.

4:24 AM  

This describes EXACTLY what is happening to me. I received no presents for Christmas, my birthday or Mother's day. But when my pleas were heard by our adult & almost adult children he made immediate measures to pubically in front of them do nice things for me. Also he made sure I finally received 1 of the Christmas presents I requested last year.
He uses my physical disability to say I'm not a responsable person. I have no way to get to money in the many banking accounts he has. Sure they may be in both our names, but I don t know pass words, have cards, have pins, have checks, etc. I am allowed a small amount that is used for the family & not enough to do things for myself unless he supplies money from another source - himself.
Thanks for the clearity in your explanation. It helps me remain calm when things get bad. I at this moment don't know how to safely get out or have my children think horribly about me if I leave, but with the help of a psychologist & social workers something will happen to help me & I pray soon.
Again Thanks for describing a form of emotional abuse that I totally understand & unfortunately live. But your openness has given me hope & strength.

5:44 PM  

Be careful! RUN! I was finally brought to believe that I was over sensitive & was therefore a horrible example of being a woman to our daughters. I believed it so that I attempted suiside so 1. I'd not be a bad innfluence & 2. My life insurance could be used for all of my children for college, etc. (*I didn't know that money is not paid in the event of suiside.)
I now know I am not too sensative. He & his family are not sensative at all. Admitidedly I see their line of abuse for several generations, but each individual makes up his or her own mind to continue the abuse cycle or not. I came from an abusive family & left. I saught help physically, mentally & spiritually & was doing better for a long time. I still saught unconditional love to an extreeme & ended up abused again. It has taken me 24 years to see the codependance & abuse, but I am seeking a way out. I was hurt for way too long. Don't let what happened to me happen to you for so long. Leave right away! See the beauty & smartness that you have & grow stronger. Go to a social worker or 2 at a women's shelter & ask for advice. I see a psychicologist & that is what showed me I had a problem & needed to protect myself from that problematic person.
Be good to yourself. Love yourself. See all the good that a Higher Power sees in you. Get to safety A.S.A.P. You deserve a happy, content life that has you feeling the freedom you were made to enjoy. Goodluck & blessings in your journey to freedom.

6:14 PM  

I'm a man, and have begun to worry about whether my wife of 7 years has been emotionally abusing me. I don't know what to do, and I don't dare let on that I'm even investigating the subject. We have two kids together--the light of my life. One of my main concerns is that I really am just imagining all this, since I've had problems with severe depression and a generalized anxiety disorder for about ten years. I don't know which way is up anymore. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I look at my wife, and think that she's the best gal out there, and I love her to death. But there's that other one percent that nags at me, and plants doubt in my mind. At times, I don't even understand how I feel about the situation--whether I'm happy, terrified, content or miserable. If I were to try getting out of the situation, I know that I wouldn't be able to get custody of the kids because of my mental illnesses, and even if I were completely sound, we live in Utah, so there's no way a judge will give custody to the father unless there is evidence of physical abuse from the mother. I try to be the best husband I can, and live up to her expectations of me, but she's told me flat out that I'm a bad husband, a bad father, she's threatened to take the kids and leave, and she's told me that she doesn't believe things that I tell her. As I think about it now, it makes me want to cry, but I can't bring myself to show that much emotion at the moment. It's almost like I don't really like the way my life is right now, but I feel like it's better for having my wife and kids in it, even if there is abuse and control.

Sorry to go off like that. I've not really had an outlet for those things. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.

6:25 PM  

I just found this site tonight. I have been emotionally abused for almost 16 years now. I am afraid of my husband. I am afraid to stay and yet I can not find the courage to leave. He blames me for everything and after hearing it for so many years, I wonder if what he says is true. Why can't I find the courage to leave? He refuses to sleep in the same bed as me, he refuses to show any interest in my new job, although he does ask when I'm working which makes me feel like he will use it against me later. I never know what will set him off or when. I pray every night for help and peace. No one I know understands and most people say they can't believe it and they never see it. Everyone laughs at his put downs because they are always in joke form. I can't believe I'm typing this out. Finally, people who understand. How do I survive this? The fear and the hurt is a physical pain. I feel like I'm letting everything out in no particular order and for that I apologize. There is so much to tell, to say.....and yet all I can think to do is beg God to help me. I want to fix this relationship and I pray for that. How can I fix this? Can I fix it? Why does he hate me so much? Why does he go after me like he does? The energy it must take to be so horrible to someone else. I've never been treated so bad in my life.

10:10 PM  

You are not alone. I may not know you, but my father abused me both emotionally and physically. There is hope! God doesn't put us in a situation knowing we can't handle it. Trust, there is reason for that struggle. One day you will look back and think, "wow, I did it. I escaped!"

5:44 AM  

Just found this page. I have had 2 bad marriages. My first husband beat me . Cheated many times.controlled all i did. Verbally abused me to where i had no self-esteem. After 10 yrs. I ran away. Got it annulled. Didn't consummate marriage if you can believe that. Dated awhile, meet someone dated him got pregnant. Wasn't planning on marrying again but i believed him when he said he loved me. After having 4 children and 8 yrs. Of marriage the lies, the mean comments he said i only married you bc you got pregnant i dont love you. I begged him to.stay bc of the kids. After 10 more years of lies,money missing, verbal abuse and alot of neglect i left. It has been 2 years now and i am trying to be happy. But i have side effects ffrom the marriages. I have never talked to anyone before. Till now. I just have fears to be happy with someone else. I have no trust. But i am trying. Thank you for reading this if you do. I feel i can happy .i hope so.

12:12 AM  

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:35 AM  

Dear Anonymous,

I believe there is hope. Find your self first. It is hard to trust after so many years of abuse, I know this to be true. I am starting counseling today,not to try to fix my abusive depressed husband, but to try to find myself and learn how to live again. I hope you can do the same. There are groups and counselors who specialize in helping women like us. Continue to have faith, I am thinking about you and praying for you.

7:42 AM  

Yes the anon post of ambient abuse! That's me, he displays a gentle quiet pleasant/ nice exterior at any few attended events on my family side. Obviously we are always at his mother's and any of his family events, even though both sets live in same village. He uses finances against me toorder: no joint, me being. Given a card once a week re groceries. And forever being told to be careful or cut back with it. He loves fact I haven't worked to raise kids and have extreme Overdraft to compensate (£1300) For kids birthdays, Xmas, even His family presents, school.hols. Etc. As he says 'just don't bother ' re cards etc..when friends come round he likes to be there but will make it uncomfortable. As small house and he watches loud TV etc. And guessing my walking on glass expressions all never come and see me any more. He hates my independent. Sister and she. First flagged his behaviour. To me. he went yesterday. After I stood up to him. He said he'd. Leave I know it's so he controls where I am, so wanting to leave too, I tried ringing him late last night as wanted him.back as kids miss him,it's hard and I'm only used to his routines. Etc. And am very frightened in doing this on my own. My dream of escape. Has happened. Yet. I miss him???? but remind myself of the everyday horrible things of criticism. I recently was offered a part time job which I work round his shift and cover all childcare he hates my employer, sneers at me wearing 'slap' and demeans it again in front of kids as mummy's. Amazing Job. Throwing away or not eating my homecooked meals. Oh and guess what readers... Having a cup of tea made for you is not an apology or niceness, app account to my friend it's everyday normal. To be expected thing? I have been living on scraps of niceness to cover me the graph when it dips to coming up again. For so long. I am ready to try and do more happy things at my liking and hope I keep strong... To all reading I strength too X

4:15 AM  

I have been with my H for over 10 years, we have a 18 month old daughter, and after years of abuse both physically emotionally and financially I got up took my daughter and left. This was just a month ago, but I feel like he is sucking me back in, he has control over money and he is demanding Time with our daughter, I am allowing him access when I am around, but during this time he spends it pleading with me to come back and saying that he knows what he has done ECt and to forgive him and move back home. I have been falling for it, I love him ..(. That's half my problem ) but then he sucks me in and I feel good then a couple of days later he turns things on me and says things to make me. Feel sorry for him and guilty like I'm the worlds worst person, he does it all so passive aggressively that it's hard to defend, how do I stop myself falling for the games he plays. Just to get things his way all the time ? And how do I know that what I am feeling is love and not just something he has created in me out of low self confidence and hurt/ not wanting to be alone ????

1:45 PM  

Do not fall for his traps. Domestic Violence is a cycle. They pretend to have changed to bring you back, but the change is just to get you back. You said so yourself. My father did the same thing to my mom so many times until she finally put a halt to it. Put a restraining order, its your only option. He won't be able to come near you. Thats a danger to the child, if he abused you physically, imagine what he'll do to that child. Stay away for the child. My father was very abusive towards my brother and I, my brother fell into gangs and we were both left with PTSD. You are not alone. You can be independant! You don't need him.

11:56 PM  

I am literally at my end. He's finally convinced me I am at fault for everything that goes wrong in his life, and I can't take the guilt anymore. We never argue unless I speak up about something that bothers me (in this case, his ex wife calling at 11pm). So as long as I'm ok with everything, we don't argue. He's happy. And I pretend to be, and am for awhile. But I'm walking on eggshells constantly. He doesn't want me seeing my family, not even my nieces and nephew. If I do go anywhere, he swears I'm lying. And recently, he's started the whole silent treatment. He withholds sex when he knows it's what I want, and tells me to be quiet until he's in the mood. Then he turns over and I'm allowed to talk. I just can't take it anymore.

3:40 PM  

Hello i have been with my husband for 11 years and honestly iam so tired of all his constant drinking and his jealousy and his way of thinking iam just afraid of leaving iam afraid of what he can do to me,he dri.ks and looses control he becomes violent he has only hit me like 5 times pushed me yes and verbally offensive he calls me a bitch whore,everday he calls me fat i gain like 20 pounds since i met him and he calls me fat cheeks and iam older than him 5 years he is 36 iam 41 he is always saying iam old and fat and when he vets really mad he says iam deformed from my body that he just has sex with me just to have it.I really dont care if we have sex or not cause i hate having to be with him i do not kove him and i have asked him many times please go away lets get a divorce and he begans to scare me with iam going to leave you with a scar so noone can look at you.its so many thungs he does many many things he has no idea iam writing this or looking for help he doesnt read english to well,i use to have all the confindence in the world,now i think iam worthless as a wife mom and human being he has isolated me from family he is always fighting with everyone .

1:14 PM  

Hello i have been with my husband for 11 years and honestly iam so tired of all his constant drinking and his jealousy and his way of thinking iam just afraid of leaving iam afraid of what he can do to me,he dri.ks and looses control he becomes violent he has only hit me like 5 times pushed me yes and verbally offensive he calls me a bitch whore,everday he calls me fat i gain like 20 pounds since i met him and he calls me fat cheeks and iam older than him 5 years he is 36 iam 41 he is always saying iam old and fat and when he vets really mad he says iam deformed from my body that he just has sex with me just to have it.I really dont care if we have sex or not cause i hate having to be with him i do not kove him and i have asked him many times please go away lets get a divorce and he begans to scare me with iam going to leave you with a scar so noone can look at you.its so many thungs he does many many things he has no idea iam writing this or looking for help he doesnt read english to well,i use to have all the confindence in the world,now i think iam worthless as a wife mom and human being he has isolated me from family he is always fighting with everyone .

1:26 PM  

Mika Kelsen can you let me know how I can reach you?

1:05 AM  

Mika, sorry should have clarified that I also dated him, Bud. I have pictures so can prove it.

12:51 PM  

Hello, I have read so many things on here that I am going through the exact same things. I have contacted abuse shelters, but i have three cats and they said they can foster them to homes until I get on my feet. but I am afraid , they are like babies to me. and I'm so depressed I keep missing my appointments. I have embarrassed myself all over facebook trying to speak the truth of what is going on in my life and keep deleting everyone off of my page because of embarrassment. I am isolated from most people because of the abusive relationship I found myself in. I had to go on disability right after I met him. i took my time dating him. But I had a malignant tumor and PTSD and didn't know what was wrong. he moved right in with me and I hadn't ever been so vunerable as I was then. I had always been independant.It's been ten years and i am trying to get help to go to work part time and be able to move. I have a great business idea, but I know when he sees me functioning , something triggers in his mind to become so emotionally hostile and sabotage me to the point i can't think straight. There is so much more I want to write. i didn't know this type of page existed. i asked a post on a my page ifthey knew of a blog that could help me. I embarrassed myself again. I went searching and found this thank goodness, because I need to talk to people going through the same things for emotional support. But I will have to write more later as i am tired of being on the internet. There is someone who wrote on here that described exactly what I am going through that I would like to talk to. So i will write more later. I have went through a nightmare of emotional abuse and manipulation and i am determined to get my life in a better place. I am so thankful to have found this page. I will keep this page private from my FB page.

9:03 PM  

I guess I didn't press enter to save my comment. This is new to me. I am so thankful i found this page. I have went through a nightmare of emotional abuse for the past ten years and am working my way out of this situation. Someone on here described exactly what I'm going through. It is a relief to have found this support group. I have been reading for hours and am tired so I will write more tomorrow. So thankful to find others that know what I'm going through.

9:09 PM  

I enjoy reading this blog. What else can we do to help each other? Any ideas? So many abused women, it makes me cry because I was emotionally abused for over 27 years. Then attracted attention of other abusers. How can we learn to change our aura, so that we don't attract unsuitable partners?
Mika Kelsen
As I am not a blogger I have no idea how to choose an identity with the google account. Can somebody please help me?

7:04 AM  

I wrote quite a lengthy comment, pressed the right "buttons" and my comment didn't show on the blog
Mika Kelsen
What am I doing wrong?

7:08 AM  

Mika Kelsen - what you are doing wrong is posting the name of your abuser here. I can't have that sort of liability on this blog. You can talk about him without mentioning his name or whereabouts.

1:18 AM  

Sorry if I posted this multiple times, I'm having trouble with the site.

Mika not sure if you saw my comment above but I also dated Bud. Is there anyway I can contact you?

1:27 PM  

To anonymous from Mika. We can't exchange phone numbers or email addresses. We can only write to each other giving each other support. Mika is my middle name, my first name is Ludka and I am a doctor, obviously not very good if it took me two years to realise who really was the person I dated. Don't mention his name because Barbara won't let us keep in touch. We can exchange our experiences without mentioning any names. I am sure we heard the same exact story he told who knows how many women before. He can't change, recently got engaged, his father told me but it's only because he needs permanent residence. He is a psychopath and this will never change. If he gets married his current girlfriend, who's photo I saw, will lose half of her property.
Have to go to sleep. Moving to Neutral Bay tomorrow, as I decided to sell my little flat in Lane Cove. The Best street has been for me at least the Worst St. One person died in my flat. Another had bipolar disorder and did weird things. I am happy to move out. I deal with people who have thyroid problems so it doesn't help to be surrounded by depressed and exhausted people all the time.
Take care,
Ludka aka Mika

10:14 AM  

Ludka, thanks for responding. Your post was something I could have written. Amazing what googling a name brings up. I was definitely shocked when I saw your post, however it did answer a lot of questions for me. I always knew something was off. Why I stuck around for as long as I did is beyond me.

2:46 PM  

One night during particularly rough sex I had an ovarian cyst rupture and my ex boyfriend comforted me for the first hour but then returned from the bathroom to say it was burning to urinate and I must have given him an STD! (astonished)..then he got in bed and started snoring. I was in pain till 4 in the morning when painkillers finally knocked me out. the next day he got up and said he was going directly to the doctor to get tested. of course I had not given him an STD it was just an opportunity for him to psychologically and emotionally abuse me while I was down.

11:52 PM  

I need help. I think I might be in an abusive relationship and have noone to talk to. I feel very alone and when I do speak of my relationship, I feel as though everyone is against me. I do not know what to do. My boyfriend (ex fiance, he took his ring back) gets very angry every 4 to 6 weeks. He is very negative, calls me names, punches holes in the walls and is just a very angry person. Yet, it is very confusing because in between those angry outbursts, everything is fine. Which confuses me so much. I have no job, he does not give me money but to only pay bills, I have a one year old with him and I am about to lose my home. I do not know what to do. I actually feel like I am losing my mind. Any advice to give? Greatly appreciate it.

8:49 PM  

You have to find somebody to look after your baby and find work ASAP. You can't allow him to control you financially. Now he punches the doors, soon he will be punching you. What do you mean by going to lose your home? You are not losing your mind, you are just confused by his conduct. Objectively, the fact that he took your engagement ring is very significant. You ceased to be his fiancee, he is angry and confused and probably guilty about your baby. I am sure he would have left if there was no baby. I wouldn't be surprised he sees sb on the side and thats when he treats you well.
Borrow money from family or friends, move in for example to a home, where an elderly person needs to be looked after, you will have free accommodation and can look after your baby at the same time. Once you save some money, start looking for a better paid job and a place to rent.
There is nothing wrong with you, except that you need more courage and confidence in yourself. Occasional good moments with your abuser will be soon forgotten once you stop keeping in touch with him. Write yourself two columns so you can see clearly. One column all the pluses of sharing your life with him, second column all the minuses.
i am now 62, divorced for 12 years, was married for 27, two adult kids living in London. I live in Sydney.
If I didn't escape to Adelaide in 1994 to qualify to practice medicine in Australia, which required going through 6 years of medicine in 6 months then passing exams, I would be now penniless, living in a shelter for homeless women or in a best case scenario earn money as a cleaner or stacking shelves at Coles.
I borrowed money from friends to pay for airfare and very modest accommodation and was one of 8 who passed the final exams, then started my internship.
My ex was and still is a control freak, who did everything he could to prevent me from qualifying as a doctor in Australia. He controlled me by making sure I didn't have any money of my own. he even did shopping with me and threatened on a regular basis he would get control over our kids if I went for divorce.I lived in fear for over 20 years, but finally had enough and left just with one suitcase. The kids were 14 and 16 at the time and very good students so I wasn't worried about them. By that time I started working as a doctor in a hospital and
had money to rent a small place. Two years later got some money from the settlement.
I have never regretted leaving him,not even for one minute.I wish you courage and to stop hesitating leaving him.

12:08 AM  

to anonymous from Mika/Ludka
I miss your comments about our mutual pseudo admirer. There is so much more i can tell you about him and why don't you share some stuff yourself. you don't have to prove anything. I don't need to see any photos. by now you should know enough about me to reach out.

12:13 AM  

Ludka, this is anonymous. My responses don't seem to be posting. I do not want to put personal info on this site, but I am happy to reach out privately if that is what you are suggesting. I don't want to be intrusive.

4:34 PM  

You will not be intrusive
Your comments will be welcome and healing for both of us

9:00 AM  

Let me share some stories from the last three years. I am almost sixty, was married to emotionally abusive man for almost 30 years. It took me ten years and lots of help from friends to leave him. Divorced him 12 years ago and felt as if my life started then. Unfortunately there is something in my aura which attracts emotional abusers. Three years ago, an email from RSVP about ten days before Christmas. Went on that date and fell in love, for the first time in my life, at first sight. My date cooked wonderful dinner on a Weber barbecue, we had some beer and talked for five hours. I thought I went straight to heaven. He was extremely charming, handsome, had a build of a swimmer, wore clothes making him look younger than his then 55 years. Two days later we had another date with dinner, romantic atmosphere enhanced by a huge , well kept aquarium and Japanese lamps and other oriental items and more talk about soulmates and I had no doubt he fell in love with me as well. He was evasive about Christmas and New Year. Following that second date he started what I called silent treatment. Haven't heard from him until the middle of January. No Merry Christmas, no Happy NY, no response to my text messages and only voice mail when I called.
Then all of a sudden a call " What's up?" Would you like to go fishing with me to the South Island? Stupid me jumped at the opportunity to be with him. We spent a wonderful week together but he always had his cell phone with him and kept on checking messages all the time, supposedly work related.
This toxic relationship lasted over two years, we spent together maybe 3 months during that time. After a few beautiful encounters he would disappear or be silent.
Never apologised, never bought any presents, not even cheap ones, didn't want to celebrate my birthday, made jokes about my accent, taught me to play darts but I refused to learn to play cards.
We went to America for his father's birthday and soon after bought tickets to fly to Japan to spend our first Christmas together. On Thanksgiving, when he wasn't supposed to be home I baked a pumpkin pie and took it to his place. He gave me spare keys at the very beginning of our pseudo relationship. So I didn't expect to see his kitchen door wide open, laughter and music coming from his flat and smoke from his barbecue.
With fluttering heart I stepped into the kitchen and saw him entertaining a woman my age. It was actually second time that it happened, only the woman was different. I decided to cancel my airfare because I couldn't be sure if he would actually go overseas with me. He refused to show me his itinerary. I found later on that while he was dating me and talked about getting married and spent time with me looking for a place we could share, he was not just sleeping with three other women but was telling them the exact lies he was telling me. I now keep in touch with his so called victims and we are not sure what to do to warn his current victim with whom he currently lives. We know he is incapable of love but plays a role of a man who had been waiting all his life to meet me/us.
Does anybody have any suggestions? I know where she lives but at this stage she wouldn't believe a single word I said, even if all four of us showed up on her doorstep. I suppose she has to go through this experience herself. Love is blind and I can attest to it, even mature age doesn't help to hopelessly fall in love with a man who has over 30 years of experience in seducing women knowing he could never love them back. Two of his victims tried to commit suicide, the rest can't stop thinking about him.
The more he put us down, didn't show up for dates, didn't come back to his place for a few days, the more we loved him. I actually asked to be hypnotised. Needed two sessions but they worked.

1:31 AM  

Ludka, I created an account (not my real name) can you contact me privately? Thanks.

2:34 PM  

my mother I'm law studied psychology & is always going on about how I need conditioning & an attitude adjustment.
For months my husband is crazy making , threats like if you don't go to olive garden for lunch with me you're not leaving the house for a month or if you won't come to my mother's with me then you can sit outside till I return.
Saturday he insisted we go to ? he said it probably won't be open for the holiday weekend. I suggested calling to check. we had to drive over there to prove he was right it was closed & I was wrong .
Asking him what happened as he slammed on the brakes doing 65 on the highway because someone raced passed him resulted in erratic driving to scare me & more shouting.
we get home, I answer the phone he screams "l could happily stab you right now & not give an eff" . He sees I'm on the phone panics & pretend none of this happened " oh my God why are you crying what's wrong , give me the phone why won't you hug me " he later admitted if he had known I picked up the phone he wouldn't have said it proving he didn't mean it .
I'm stressed out my nose is bleeding I'm vomiting & sobbing I get stop being a drama queen Why haven't you made me anything to eat, get out of my house .
I made some lunch trying to distract him, he doesn't want that he can't go out because I might take something of his as I'm packing so it's my fault he is hungry .
I ask do you really want me to leave or shall we talk it through .The response : Don't threaten me with ultimatums 2 minutes later he comes into the room sobbing on his phone to his sister" she is leaving me ,I didn't do anything she just went mad & now she is packing , I tried talking to her but it's like talking to a brick wall "
he gets off the call & flips again" let me hug you , I'm sorry I'm just hungry you know I don't mean any of it apologising speaking calmly , saying there's no excuse for his behaviour , yes he will apologize to his sister for dragging her into it , yes he is ashamed someone overheard him etc . His phone rings ,his mother yells whats she doing to you whats going on ? so while he is on the phone I use the bathroom . I hear a scream & a door slam , I find him on the floor hissing ,spitting & screaming "she slammed my hand in the door she is breaking my phone " .I can hear his mother screaming is she attacking you?
So there we were all 37yrs of him rolling about on the floor screaming , his mother screaming hysterically down the phone "what's going on why is she doing this ?" He looks me in the eye & says " you're in big trouble now "
wait she can't hear you say that ? She hasn't realized that all the time I was allegedly smashing the phone conversation was never disturbed , the line never went dead ? his mother is screaming make him take you to a hotel get out of his house you have done enough damage ..yeah because I want to be here & obviously I want to get into a car with him while he is hissing & spitting .
He ends the call & says "I told you I'd make you sorry, everyone Hates you , they all know what a bitch you are , my mother's calling my sister she won't be defending you again . I'll make sure they all know you're mental "
I have nowhere to go , no money , no car , no phone , if my family could afford a plane ticket I'd ask them . I can't prove any of this & he knows it, he treats me nicely around others no one would believe me anyways .
I'm sorry for the length of this .
I'm not asking people to feel sorry for me, I guess I just need some perspective . Thank you .

2:04 AM  

You should read the book "Why does he do this "by Lundy Bancroft

1:53 AM  

I'm been in an "abusive marriage for 19 years", all the kind of violence, physic, emotional, psychological, verbal, etc.
The history is too long, and we all know they all do all the same, after all those years, having four kids, i realized " i've got enough", so i toke my children's and I leave him, but i never know that, was just the beginning of Hell, he is making my life the worse nightmare that i ever can imagine, but know, is getting even worse, my kids, which are 14, 12, 9, and 6 years old, and they now are just acting like their father, all the same words that he used to said to hurt me, they are using it, all the dramas, screaming for nothing, insulting me, all the things that he used to do on me, i am so afraid, because i am loosing control , even of my self, i just want to be locked in my room crying, what can i do?

7:38 PM  


GO (do not call - GO) to your local Domestic Violence Center and ask to see an advocate.

Sit down and make a plan to leave with your kids. They have counseling, financial and even legal resources to help.

10:53 PM  

I am literally losing my mind. I'm 36 , 2 beautiful amazing kids and a text book narcissist, compulsive liar, gambling addict , sex addict for a husband. I am so scared to end the marriage because I don't want my children alone with him for any extended period of time . Please feel free to reach out. I know I feel completely alone. Email is

1:35 AM  

Am I too late to go to the police for the abuse I suffered in a previous marriage 1975/1994.

11:43 AM  

I have no idea how old this post is but PLEASE, if you are still in the relationship or simply still reading from this site, I would be honored to speak with you, one on one. My husband and 2 of our four boys(baby has not been DNA tested yet, however) have myotonic muscular dystrophy type 1 as well. This is what caught my eye in your post. I believe 1 in 8,000 patients have it...doctors seem to know very little about the disease and it's sympotoms because of this and I have NEVER just stumbled across a post, especially on this subject, to learn of someone else coping with this awful disease in their life...let alone the abuse as well in their ownimmediate family.

My situation mirrors the comment above from Amy which you replied to. And though it is my abusive husband who is the tormentor of our household, you have my complete sympathy. I know well the difficulties and trials you face. I watch it daily in my 2 precious sons. I once cared about my husband's symptoms to the point I became ill myself but I can feel no more sympathy from a monster such as him(he has caused many illnesses to manifest themselves in my life and the boys...both mentally and physically). And I know IT IS NOT the MMD that causes him to be such a wretched human being towards his sons and me. My story is too exhausting mentally and emotionally for me to share right now but I desperately need to find support. I literally have no one...not family nor friends. I am only still here(on this earth) because of my boys. They are my life. But my husband has done nothing but try to suffocate every breath out of our spirits. I CANNOT allow this to continue any longer.
I am stuck for now for multiple reasons but trying my best to plan ahead and escape this tortuous hell.

My heart goes out to you - in fact, it bleeds for all of us going through this insidious, life-draining abuse by these people who seem to have no soul of their own(yet, somehow, play it out to make themselves look like the poor victim to others). I know that dance well. And for all my husband has done to us the last 18 years, I truly have begun to hate him. Harsh I know and I pray every day to not feel this way but it is almost impossible. Anyway, I apologize for this being so long. I read up and research on this all I can lately - helping myself to find the fortitude to escape his toxicity before it poisons us all - but very rarely have I found the courage to make a post myself. Your comment, however, I could not ignore.

If you ever need a listening ear or someone who genuinely understands the pain I know you must be in...PLEASE feel free to email me. I would love to hear from you. In the meantime, though, I will be praying with all that is left within me for you and every other beautiful soul whose partner is doing all they can to suck the life out of us...leaving us a mere shell of the person we once were. May God's strength and unconditional love pull us all out of this hellacious nightmare. Best wishes and so many hugs I send to each of you! -Jami Nicole-
*** My email is ***

5:57 AM  

Praying for you. Please find strength in Christ. We are in the same boat and I feel so much empathy for you and all the others who have written. We have done nothing to deserve this. Please remember that! The abuser is the sick one who is making us crazy. Period. I cannot wait til the day I can escape this hell with my boys. Yes, I am terrified of the unknown but THIS is killing all of us slowly.

7:06 AM  

It is so helpful reading everyone's posts'.... I am still trying to grasp what has been happening to me all these years and still finding courage daily to not let him come home this time. I carry so much guilt... I always find a reason to say that I am no different than him in some way or another and feel the obligation paired with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach to let him come home. Because his abuse was all emotional... I keep having to read and remind myself that it was still abuse and it still was harmful to me... I still feel crazy and I still feel helpless in actually signing divorce papers...... But I am determined to stay away and get stronger and stronger....

2:50 PM  

Yes its abuse. Its his design to make you feel you are loosing your mind and to question yourself. The more guilt you are feeling for questioning things is his goal. We are sane. Our abusers are very witty.

3:04 PM  

Hi, I don't know how old this website is. But It's 4am here and I had a bad dream, and I felt like I had to talk about it. When I was 16 I though I knee what love was in a 24 year old alcoholic. We stayed together for 5 years though I was cheating on the last year. He never laid a hand on me. But would get drunk and threaten to kill and/or my family many times...and I stuck with him through rehab, his craziness and threats and all that. And when it ended he went downhill, and now I have bad dreams all the time of him coming for me. They are usually very cryptic and weird but I know it's him there, torturing me and killing me in the form of something different or fictional. I feel like I will live my life always afraid of him.

4:48 AM  

Hi Tina. Have done exactly the same. Humiliated my self in public
On Facebook so they all believe him and not me. I was married to him for 28 years. Supported him financially all that time. And then as soon he managed to get a business going that looks like it has a hope of success he discarded me like a piece of trash.

9:27 PM  

My first time visiting your blog. Excellent article. I know first hand about the impact of emotional and mental abuse. I was abused by my mother and sister my entire childhood. I'm sharing my journey of healing with others in hopes of being able to help others to heal as I did. Keep up the great work.

8:17 PM  

I don't know if this is emotional abuse but sounds like it, I just want to say it out loud as I am ashamed to say it to anyoneelse,
Been married to my husbAnd for now 4 years. I have put on weight since especially after having a baby. He does not show me any intimacy
No kissing, no hugs and no sex. He says it's my fault as I don't look like the person he married. I understand his point because it's like buying something and opening a packet to find it's not what u paid for very disappointing. However he goes further to say that we don't need intimacy as it's not important because we have a child now and that's what intimacy was and we have achieved this therefore it's in child's
Interest to stay together and will take care of me. I am university educated with a degree and currently doing a part time masters course so am not incapabable of being independent or have to be dependent. But my confidence is so low I won't even look myself in mirror as I just see a fat monster as no one loves a fat person I believe. I know this to belong but I still believe it. Recently he has accused me of being a glutton, when I offered to take him out for a meal for his bday he accused me of just wanting the food and taking him out was an excuse. He has taken my things such as books, clothes and baby stuff that were hanging in wad rope put them in bags, told me to sort them as they are clutter and am a dosgrace and demanded that from now on all his meals were to be served to him on dining table. And that he feels am in the relationship because am using him for my upkeep and baby's. As well as that I use him as taxi. May I say that I had a very influential job ,I left a different country just to be with him and the only reason am unemployed is because am afulltimecarer for our child as he doesn't want her to go to nursery. He dislikes my friend who has been helpful in babysitting,, when I have disagreements with family he encourages me to cut them off. I can't talk to his parents coz his mum is passive aggressive, and she looks for problems where there is none, thrives on people feeling sorry for her. My family never approved of him so I can't go to them to talk about him.. I have had enough, since he accuses me of doing nothing despite all my efforts everyday to keep his home immaculate, look after our child and cook his meals. I am currently doing nothing so he sees what nothing is. Moved into spare room and only tidy that room as I have to sleep in it.absolutely no cooking. Everyone sees us as having a perfect marriage as they don't know what's going on. Now I don't know what to do next. And he likes to know where am going, turns up unexpected and wants to drive me everywhere even when I say no.if am not home he avoids being home as he says that it doesn't feel same without me. Am confused and hurt about all that's going on but maybe am not seeing clearly, maybe it's not that bad , maybe am just too independent and need to torn it down.

3:33 PM  

I'm going through the same hurt and pain. Isolated from others. The Internet is the only like I have to the outside world. Hugs to you and I pray for us all!! No one understands and they make us look like we are crazy in front of others.

3:10 PM  

I was in what I believe was an emotionally abusive relationship for 13 years. I came from a rough life and when things weren't so great I would accept that maybe I was to blame when we had problems because I had a screwed up childhood and had no business being with a 'decent' guy in the first place, after all HIS parents never divorced etc, he was the 'normal' one. I was young and like most young women with low self esteem and other issues I stuck it out, letting him make me believe it was always me. I didn't want to do what my mother did and just give up and go from boyfriend to boyfriend, moving from place to place. I wanted to be a good wife and work through the issues. Then we had a child. Things went drastically down hill as soon as I got pregnant. It became apparent I would never be able to do anything 'right', from cleaning right up to the care of our child. I was expected to do everything, do it alone, and do it a certain way and was supposed to magically know what his expectations were, or I would be dealing with a stomping swearing hateful person who would come home long enough to make us miserable then leave without ever helping to bathe our child, play or spend time. As our child got older he'd want his father to spend time with him and all we ever saw was him leaving. And God help us if any noise was made by our child in the morning and he got disturbed. It was just miserable all around. He was beginning to be a total dictator to our child and I saw that he was only getting worse and worse. I eventually got up the courage and left. My advice to anyone who is preparing to leave such a person is this: be prepared for your life to get worse before it gets better. Be prepared to be threatened, for anyone who is close to you to be contacted and questioned for information and for anything he might find out to get thrown at you. Emotionally abusive people KNOW how to get at you. Be prepared for the name calling and blaming to escalate after you go. For they will try to make your new life a worse hell than the one you've just left to make you reconsider what you've done. I've seen my ex go from one extreme to the next, showing up to give me money to help, then refusing to help at all which meant no heat in January. He has with held my child from me and done many things to damage my relationship with our child. This is a man who would not get up one morning with his child in the four years we had him together. He now takes him all the time, merely to ditch him off wherever he can. He also tries his hardest to ruin our time together, pick fights and upset me when it's my time with our child. My child tells me his father yells and screams at him and expects him to be perfect all the time. The emotional damage is now trickling down the line. And the icing on the cake? This guy is now dating a close family member of mine, someone who my son called aunt, someone who helped me leave...who told me I should leave... Just to make this all even more hard and confusing for everyone. The lengths abusers will go to for revenge are vast. So be prepared. Be prepared for manipulation,pay back and flat out crazy behaviour. You don't just leave an abuser, they don't allow that. Have a mental game plan, some kind of strategy and a support system. I do not regret leaving, I regret not listening when people told me leave a lot sooner.

11:40 AM  

I'm frozen for the next move - I Inquired about a room available to rent. That is as far as I feel I can go. No children are of concern. I'm just plain scared of dealing with the separation, he won't pursue me but I will have to communicate with him to deal with all the things that need to get done during the year of separation and the divorce. I lie in bed here as he works. I want to shut the world out. I have a support system - people know about my situation. But I want to tune out the world for awhile. There is much to do and it overwhelms me. I don't have to be alone, but I want to be alone - fooling myself that I need rest to recover and rejuvenate for the next move that is going to require faith and courage. I have friends - I don't need anymore affirmation or sympathy of my situation. I've accepted it. I'm already grieving the loss of what I had hoped. I know he won't change - it's his personality, so I don't worry about that. This is exhausting to me.

2:04 PM  

#1 Get advice from a lawyer. You have a right to half of all the assets
A judge can order him to release money to you. Also, get your ducks in order. Copy tax returns and all financial documents you can get ahold of. He has taken your power away. Find the strength in yourself to get your power back. If you ask God, he will give you the courage, strength and guidance. He will show you the way. He did for me. I am still ony journey, but there is hope. I want to break the silence on this issue
Soany women are suffering alone. We must stand up and bring this out in the open
People who have not experienced emotional abuse, do not understand it
We must stand up and be heard!

7:20 AM  

Make an exit plan. Get a lawyer who is sympathetic to you. Usually the initial consultation fee is minimal. Protect yourself financially. Make your plans without letting him know. Be smart about it. Have all your ducks in order. You have a right to half your assets. Be well prepared and educate yourself about your legal rights. Take your power back! God will give you the courage and strength. Trust Him and he will show you the way.

7:32 AM  

I don't think I can leave. I have been able to see what was going on for about a year now and still can't leave. I feel like I am going insane. This is an awful never ending pain that only gets worse. i keep wondering what is wrong with me because the worse he is the harder I try to make him happy and "keep" him. I feel like I would break down and die with out him. I do not like the abuse and I want out I want it to stop. I don't not want to feel this way. I have seen a few professionals about this but I stopped going because no one seems to understand. I tried to tell a friend a time or two but they just ask me why don't I leave. I want to leave and I cant I don't know what else to say. I feel like it's to late for me. I have no friends or family left. My confidence is so low I can't even stand my own reflection anymore. Everything I do or say is called stupid or wrong. Sonetimes it hurts so bad I actually vomit. One time I threw up in my car because I took the wrong turn and he was so angry and I felt so stupid and it just happened. Every day I am just waiting for another bomb to go off. It could be anything I do anything could be an excuse for the abuse to start. I lay in bed and cry most nights but have to make sure to be quiet about it or he will get angry. When I cry he says I am crazy and emotionally unstable. I'm not crazy am I? I do cry a lot so then I think maybe he is right. I try to get him to show me more love and affection but he says I am being controlling. I asked for a hug goodbye before I left the house yesterday and he said I was forcing my will on him and he dosnt have to do what I tell him but I really just wanted a hug I don't know why he got so upset. He says that I am to vain so he can't tell me I'm pretty. He says that I need to learn my place and I can't tell him how to treat me and if I don't like it then I can just leave. So why don't I just leave? How come when he tellse me to shut up or go away I try harder. I don't know if I going crazy or not anymore. Everything is so confusing

8:32 AM  

I just don't know how to leave. My husband and I have been married for 19 years, together for 21. He has been emotionally abusive the entire 21 years, and it is worse when he drinks (which is often). He belittles me, tries his hardest to control every aspect of my life, and puts me down in front of others. My days are spent walking on eggshells so as not to upset him. I'm successful in my career and have friends to support me. I'm a little afraid of losing my relationship with my stepdaughters and grandchildren and of how complicated our lives are financially. Divorce would probably be messy. Can someone tell me why I just can't leave? I feel a little sorry for him, as he refuses to see that he's manipulative and he has no friends - no one can stand to be around him. Thanks for this blog and comments - they help know that I'm not crazy.

1:07 PM  

I'm so happy you escaped the torture of roller coaster emotional abuse! I know in my heart it's not true love for someone to do this, but so hard to leave the trap. I wish you the very best. Remember God never outs on us what we can't handle. God has our back...hugs!

11:59 AM  

It is not your fault! The abuser never ever excepts anything he does wrong. They want us to believe everything is our fault. I was blamed for things that happened in his past, that happened before his first marriage. I'm his second...just keep praying and I promise you God will take care of us, but we have to take the first step. If you looked up this article I would say this is a big strong step. It's like a addiction you have for them and we start believing they are the only one we can survive with. I have left but still retreat back to actually begging him...he loves the begging...but when I start thinking of how much I use to be full of life and out going and being around people, I almost feel as if I lost all myself worth...but im taking baby steps to get my strength back.... I started in the end retaliating and I will never want to be like that....him! I have a beautiful family and I lean on my brother's and sisters and God my number 1... I haven't told anyone but some to my sister..but eventually I will! The sad thing for once in my life I was truly in love and don't know if I will ever be able to give my heart to anyone again...we sisters have to stick together and remember we are special and we deserve a life of serenity and and get can do it...<3

12:21 PM  

14 years with a man who is emotionally abusive and cheats on me all the time... lastest woman he claims to have fallen in love with... but she won't give him the time of day now that she found out he is a liar. And he is blaming me for the fact that she doesn't want him now... and is threatening to throw me out if I bring it up or cry or even elude to the situation at all... and I only found out about all of this a week ago. I feel stuck... trapped... scared and so alone! Am I crazy!?!? What the hell happened!? Like I went to bed and woke up in psycho-ville! This is a nightmare!

12:53 PM  


8:14 PM  

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