Sanctuary for the Abused
Thursday, June 02, 2022
Emotional Abuse or Am I Going Crazy?
The blows of physical or sexual abuse are oftentimes obvious. Broken bones, bruises, and lacerations leave scars as evidence. Yet worst of all are the scars of emotional abuse - nearly invisible to the naked eye. Unfortunately, these can be more caustic, long-lasting, and life-altering than those left by any other type of abuse and the psychological damage the most profound.What is emotional abuse? Sometimes called "Ambient Abuse," it is an extremely subtle form of control and manipulation that may go unrecognized for months or years – many times even by those on the receiving end – at least until it is too late. By the time the victim is aware of the actual abusive behaviors, she has oftentimes become a bundle of nerves and finds it difficult to see her way off the emotional roller coaster ride she’s stuck on. Worse yet, she can’t even explain what’s happening to her, and in some cases, she may actually think she is going crazy; struggling with anxiety, depression, fear, or eventually – apathy. She may quit doing anything, for fear of doing it "wrong" - at least according to the controller in her life.
Abusers and controllers may start out using little digs like, "Honey, everyone knows that you do it this way …," as just another way to say, "How stupid are you that you don’t know this?" Constant criticism becomes part of the game. "You are too fat, dumb, ugly," or even, "I wish I had that abortion instead of having you!" These are all ammunition in emotional abuse.
Even teasing can be abusive, for it frequently has some truth at its core. Jane lives in a marriage where her husband’s teasing-type cuts are constant. "The Ayatollah says dinner is ready," he announces regularly whenever they have guests. He thinks it’s funny. She certainly doesn’t. And what are we, the guests supposed to think – that he is paying her a compliment? Absolutely not. I don’t care how much he smiles or laughs when he throws it out there – it is meant to wound. And she knows it. And he knows that she knows it.
Emotional abuse may take the form of the controller limiting the "victim’s" outside contacts. "You don’t need anybody but me," he may remind you constantly, and can actually get angry if you spend time with your friends or family, even on the phone. The more he can lock you away from your external support systems, the more he locks you in his boxx of control.
Deanna’s husband tells her what time she can go to bed, what she is allowed to eat, and just how long she’d better be gone when she goes out to do errands. He never gives her a birthday or Christmas gift. He threatens to kill her and hide her car if she doesn’t obey him. He makes her recite each day that she is worthless – that he will tell her what she is worth, what she can and can’t do, and who she is allowed to see when. This is obviously extreme emotional abuse.
Unfortunately, all these situations may seem extremely difficult to escape for the victim. The brainwashing of weeks, months, and years of constant demeaning remarks are meant to make her feel worthless and as though no one else in the world could love her. Thus, her fear of leaving exceeds the fear of staying, and even worse – many times she blames herself for all that is wrong. Guilt becomes her constant companion. Leaving seems impossible. And besides, it’s "not that bad." For if it were, there would certainly be broken bones to prove it. Or so she believes.
If you find yourself trapped in the boxx of emotional abuse, it’s important to know you CAN escape! The long-term emotional damage caused by this type of situation will affect your physical as well as your mental health – and that of your children. While there may not be laws protecting you from the constant verbal attacks, you do have the ability to recognize it for what it is – definitely NOT something that goes hand-in-hand with a loving relationship. Furthermore, teaching your children that this is an acceptable behavior only leads them to believe that emotional abuse is an acceptable part of a normal relationship. Would you wish this for your child? Or your grandchild?
Mary Jo Fay is a speaker and writer. Her latest book is called, "When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong – Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life." http://www.outoftheboxx.com
FACEBOOK GROUP: VICTIMS OF NARCISSISTS
(the above group does not allow any discussions involving the children or parenting issues)
Labels: abuse, control, damaged, emotional abuse, escape, extreme, manipulation, recognizing, trauma
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Strange Pathological Behavior
The following behaviors are probably more common amongst pathologicals (narcissists & psychopaths/sociopaths) than non-pathologicals
NOT ALL will apply to any individual pathological. Only a couple are needed!
1. Has no conscience.
2. Manipulates people by "pulling strings" or "pushing the right buttons" .
3. Is perceived to be "sticky", "slimy" or "slippery". Even "charming."
4. Is a "control freak".
5. Is a "serial bully". Has one main bully target at a time. Once he loses control of that bully target, he feels compelled to find another bully target very quickly to sink his claws into.
6. Has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, thinking that the world revolves around him. Also that when thwarted - it's a conspiracy against him.
7. Is a "fantasist". (Lives in fantasy world but blends in to the real world)
8. Glares at people with piercing but dead eyes. (Can be mistaken for attraction)
9. Would unexpectedly say very hurtful things. Confuses sarcasm with humor.
10. Consistently apportions blame to others when things go wrong, regardless of how logically an explanation was given - "whipping boy" - "fall guy".
11. Twists and distorts facts to his advantage.
12. Jekyll and Hyde personality. (Incidentally, Robert Louis Stevenson's fictional character was inspired by a real life psychopath that he had met but obviously the fictional character was an exaggerated version.)
13. Applies his distorted sense of reality (psychosis) to others, accusing them of faults and weaknesses that are actually his own. This is known as "projection".
14. Inability to accept responsibility or blame for his actions. He is always "in denial".
15. Can get vicious if cornered. (Narcissistic Rage)
16. Spin a "web of deceit".
17. Has a "hidden agenda".
18. Has a "selective memory" - remembers your mistakes but forgets his own.
19. Seldom plans for the long and medium terms, believing himself to be immune to the consequences of his own actions.
20. Takes the credit for other people's work. Can also claim other's lives & credits as their OWN!
21. Demands absolute loyalty. Only likes you if you do exactly what he wants, therefore attempting to reinforce manipulation.
22. Tries to make you feel guilty ("the guilt trip") if you protest about doing what he wants you to do. For example, saying to you "You are causing me so many problems because of your selfishness."
23. Often exhibits an unusually high level of charm. Commonly uses flattery (love bombing) to win people over so they can be manipulated.
24. May have an impenetrable veneer of charm, or "superficial politeness", that makes it very difficult to ask pertinent or searching questions that would reveal his true self. For example, he may constantly crack jokes or dwell on pleasantries with no substance. A psychopathic veneer of charm may manifest itself in organizations by using glossy brochures and marketing that portrays things in an idealistic way that has little bearing on reality - "charm offensive".
25. Happy to dish out criticism or abuse - not happy to receive criticism or abuse - "do as I say, not as I do".
26. Makes an audible noise when walking around, such as humming, whistling, singing, making duck-noises or clicking fingers.
27. Uses frequent hand movements when talking.
28. Gives you a sense of being "talked at" rather than being "talked to" when engages you in conversation.
29. Inability to understand irony.
30. He can't be trusted. Breaks promises and breaches matters intended to be in confidence.
31. Stabs you in the back. Lies about you to others and vice versa.
32. Fakes sincerity with great conviction. For example he may be profusely apologetic, if he is caught red-handed doing some misdemeanor, but then do the same misdemeanor the next week if he thinks he can get away with it. He is incapable of a sincere apology.
33. Lacks tact.
34. Is not a team player - he acts autocratically.
35. Is two-faced.
36. Hates people who are more talented than he is as it shows up his own inadequacies which he may in turn "project" faults onto that person. (i.e. they are ugly; fat; stupid; liars; etc)
37. Flies into a rage over a small problem - "nit picking".
38. Lacks any kind of personal depth.
39. Has a beaming, charismatic and even messianic smile.
40. Gets others to do his dirty work - "attack dogs" or "hatchet men"
41. Changes the rules frequently but denies the inconsistency.
42. May plunge into detail about something without appreciating that you don't know the context.
43. May express anger because you don't know something that he assumes you know but there is no reason why you should know it and no-one has told you.
44. Interprets criticism of himself (even constructive criticism) as a personal insult or personal attack.
45. Expresses anger at emotional outbursts from others.
46. May use the word "I" or "me" or "my" frequently in conversation and with emphasis.
47. May use expressions such as "I'm just looking after number one" or "I was just following orders" as an excuse to justify abuse.
48. Rarely gets depressed.
49. Is more concerned about the welfare of an inanimate object than a human being. For example, if he witnesses a person colliding with an inanimate object and hurting themselves, he may be more concerned about possible damage to the inanimate object.
50. Likes to find out about or observe other pathologicals. For example, likes to watch Hollywood action films with psychopathic characters or read books about pathological historical characters such as Napoleon.
51. Never remembers his own emotional outbursts or denies having them.
52. Sees things in black or white - something is either all "good" or all "evil".
53. Lectures you endlessly until you agree. For example, think of the tendency of dictators to give speeches that go on for hours - this is "extreme lecturing".
54. Unusual or abnormal sense of direction.
55. Has little interest in making any effort to make you feel comfortable, unless he is manipulating you.
56. They can express remorse when they lose control of someone they are abusing. This is just a form of self-pity as they now have to go to the trouble of finding, "luring" and "grooming" a new target.
57. Makes forced loud laughter - belly laugh
58. Excessive use of makeup. Preening. Excessive touching of hair. Proud of appearance - beard, hair, etc.
59. Often attributes others to saying things about them, for example, "My mother says that I have the most lovely hair." or refers to himself in the third person.
60. Inability to say thank you. Inability to return a compliment. Inability to reciprocate or acknowledge an act of kindness.
61. May make or be seen to make token acts of kindness, for example donations to charity. However these acts are not sincere and are intended just to reinforce their pretense of being a good person or as some form of manipulation.
62. Has an abnormal "startle response" - doesn't jump or startle when we would. This is documented by professionals, but not well known among the public. Rarely do they blush or feel embarrassed.
63. Abnormal sense of smell. Psychopaths may not smell things we can or not as well as we can (olfactory sense). This seems to be verified by research of psychosis variations.
64. Normal people may sense or feel the presence of "evil". It permeates from them. We react with nausea, fear, and we deny & excuse it and often say "Oh, he doesn't mean that". It is often intangible and something we can't really define.
65. Loves giving explicit details of gory operations or violent incidents that he has heard about, for example in films or on TV.
66. Thinks that normal rules of society don't apply to him - he is somehow exempt. He is not concerned with right or wrong for his own actions - only with whether he can get away with doing something without being caught. However he may insist that others adhere to strict rules of his making.
67. Dislikes plants, gardens, etc.
68. May show an odd or abnormally high fascination with fire, weapons, drugs, sex or alcohol.
69. Throws out items normally kept. Has no items or discards any with only 'sentimental connections'.
70. May have a commanding physical presence.
71. Drives recklessly
72. Homophobic / Racist (angry/protests about gays and other races).
73. Obsession with neatness and even personal cleanliness.
74. May be cruel to animals (for example, stamps on worms)
75. Thinks that it is necessary for someone else to fail for him to succeed. He will often make sure that someone fails by using deceit. A psycho manager may engineer failure in an employee by overloading with work or setting impossible deadlines.
76. Fascination with body function of bowel movements. Likes jokes about them.
77. Has a thing about cleanliness. They have to be cleaner than clean.
SOURCE
(the male gender has been used but females can also be pathological)
Labels: behavior, destructive, extreme, narcissist, pathological, psychopath, sickness, sociopath
