Sanctuary for the Abused

Thursday, June 02, 2022

Emotional Abuse or Am I Going Crazy?

The blows of physical or sexual abuse are oftentimes obvious. Broken bones, bruises, and lacerations leave scars as evidence. Yet worst of all are the scars of emotional abuse - nearly invisible to the naked eye. Unfortunately, these can be more caustic, long-lasting, and life-altering than those left by any other type of abuse and the psychological damage the most profound.

What is emotional abuse? Sometimes called "Ambient Abuse," it is an extremely subtle form of control and manipulation that may go unrecognized for months or years – many times even by those on the receiving end – at least until it is too late. By the time the victim is aware of the actual abusive behaviors, she has oftentimes become a bundle of nerves and finds it difficult to see her way off the emotional roller coaster ride she’s stuck on. Worse yet, she can’t even explain what’s happening to her, and in some cases, she may actually think she is going crazy; struggling with anxiety, depression, fear, or eventually – apathy. She may quit doing anything, for fear of doing it "wrong" - at least according to the controller in her life.

Abusers and controllers may start out using little digs like, "Honey, everyone knows that you do it this way …," as just another way to say, "How stupid are you that you don’t know this?" Constant criticism becomes part of the game. "You are too fat, dumb, ugly," or even, "I wish I had that abortion instead of having you!" These are all ammunition in emotional abuse.

Even teasing can be abusive, for it frequently has some truth at its core. Jane lives in a marriage where her husband’s teasing-type cuts are constant. "The Ayatollah says dinner is ready," he announces regularly whenever they have guests. He thinks it’s funny. She certainly doesn’t. And what are we, the guests supposed to think – that he is paying her a compliment? Absolutely not. I don’t care how much he smiles or laughs when he throws it out there – it is meant to wound. And she knows it. And he knows that she knows it.

Emotional abuse may take the form of the controller limiting the "victim’s" outside contacts. "You don’t need anybody but me," he may remind you constantly, and can actually get angry if you spend time with your friends or family, even on the phone. The more he can lock you away from your external support systems, the more he locks you in his boxx of control.

Deanna’s husband tells her what time she can go to bed, what she is allowed to eat, and just how long she’d better be gone when she goes out to do errands. He never gives her a birthday or Christmas gift. He threatens to kill her and hide her car if she doesn’t obey him. He makes her recite each day that she is worthless – that he will tell her what she is worth, what she can and can’t do, and who she is allowed to see when. This is obviously extreme emotional abuse.

Unfortunately, all these situations may seem extremely difficult to escape for the victim. The brainwashing of weeks, months, and years of constant demeaning remarks are meant to make her feel worthless and as though no one else in the world could love her. Thus, her fear of leaving exceeds the fear of staying, and even worse – many times she blames herself for all that is wrong. Guilt becomes her constant companion. Leaving seems impossible. And besides, it’s "not that bad." For if it were, there would certainly be broken bones to prove it. Or so she believes.

If you find yourself trapped in the boxx of emotional abuse, it’s important to know you CAN escape! The long-term emotional damage caused by this type of situation will affect your physical as well as your mental health – and that of your children. While there may not be laws protecting you from the constant verbal attacks, you do have the ability to recognize it for what it is – definitely NOT something that goes hand-in-hand with a loving relationship. Furthermore, teaching your children that this is an acceptable behavior only leads them to believe that emotional abuse is an acceptable part of a normal relationship. Would you wish this for your child? Or your grandchild?

Mary Jo Fay is a speaker and writer. Her latest book is called, "When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong – Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life." http://www.outoftheboxx.com

FACEBOOK GROUP: VICTIMS OF NARCISSISTS
(the above group does not allow any discussions involving the children or parenting issues)

Labels: abuse, control, damaged, emotional abuse, escape, extreme, manipulation, recognizing, trauma

shared by Barbara at 12:19 AM 83 comments

If I Am Missing or Dead

I was sent a copy of this book to review. The first thing I have to say is that it provides plenty of what every abuse victim needs: VALIDATION.

Victims tend to be brainwashed by their abusers and live locked into the closed system of logic presented by these abusers. They also become brainwashed by abusive family dynamics.

Ms. Latus tells her story honestly and clearly. Her father had no boundaries when it came to his sexual appetites. His children unfortunately, were raised to believe that this was acceptable. Like many abused children - it takes many years (if ever) before they realize this and by then they are often victimized by one abusive personality after another. In this case sex became confused with healthy love. In short, the family dynamic produces a perfect victim.

Latus herself married a man more interested in her body and their sex life than in her as a person. He preyed on her low self esteem for many years before they divorced. He even coerced her into 2 disfiguring breast enhancement surgeries - not even waiting until she was healed from her surgeries to have sex with her.

Her sister - of the title - was killed by her last abuser - whom she met online. Her sister also suffered from low-self esteem, looking the other way for every red flag. She turned to food for comfort and like many abuse victims - made a wall of fat between her and everyone else. Highly thought of at work - she could not find her way out of the dysfunction before someone smelled a victim and eventually killed her.

Latus' book weaves between her own abuse issues and her relationship with her late sister and family. As I said - it provides the validation so many abuse victims need. This book proves that things are not always as they look on the outside - and victims are NOT ALONE!

- Barbara
CLICK THE IMAGE ON TOP TO PURCHASE

AMAZON.COM Summary:

At age 37, Janine Latus's younger sister, Amy, was strangled to death by her live-in boyfriend, bundled in a plastic tarp and buried beside a remote country road. It was a wretched end to a too-short life, one frequently marked by disappointment, sadness and struggle.

In the hands of a less gifted writer, Amy's story might stand only as an encomium or a cautionary tale: a glimpse into the life of one abused woman, representative of thousands like it. But Latus weaves a double strand. Part memoir, part biography, the book (which grew out of an article in O Magazine) explores Latus's own relationships with abusive men—and her eventual emancipation from a marriage riven by emotional and physical violence.

Latus has a spare, economical style, softened by an undercurrent of humor and marked by a total absence of self-pity. When on a ski vacation, a boyfriend brutally beats her, breaking several of her ribs and her nose—and then makes love to her, in a twisted form of penance—Latus doesn't wince in the retelling. She lets ambiguities and contradictions abide: she loved her husband, even as he humiliated and hurt her. Had things been slightly different, she seems to say, she—and not Amy—might have perished at the hands of her partner.

Unforgettable, unsentimental and profoundly affecting, Latus's book resonates long after the final page is turned.

SOURCE

Labels: abuse, beating, brainwashing, coercion, covert incest, escape, if i am missing or dead, janine latus, manipulation, murder, psychopath

shared by Barbara at 12:57 AM 0 comments

Separation Safety Plan

The following steps represent my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in advance for the possibility for further violence. Although I do not have control over my partner's violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him/her and how to best get myself and my children to safety.

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Step 1: Safety during a violent incident. Victims cannot always avoid violent incidents. In order to increase safety, battered victims may use a variety of strategies.

I can use some or all of the following strategies:

If I decide to leave, I will ___________________. (Practice how to get out safely. What doors, windows, elevators, stairwells or fire escapes would you use?)

I can keep my money and car keys ready and put them (place) _________________ in order to leave quickly.

I can tell _____________________about the violence and request they call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house.

I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police and the fire department.

I will use _______________________ as my code for my children or my friends so they can call for help.

If I have to leave my home, I will go _____________________ (Decide this even if you don't think there will be a next time).

If I cannot go to the location above, then I can go to___________________________or ______________________________.

I can also teach some of these strategies to some/all my children.

When I expect we are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space that is lowest risk, such as ____________ ____________________. (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons or in rooms without access to an outside door).

I will use my judgment and intuition. If the situation is very serious, I can give my partner what he/she wants to calm him/her down. I have to protect myself until I/we are out of danger.

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Step 2: Safety when preparing to leave. Battered victims frequently leave the residence they share with the battering partner. Leaving must be done with a careful plan in order to increase safety. Batterers often strike back when they believe that a battered victim is leaving the relationship.

I can use some or all the following safety strategies:

I will leave money and an extra set of keys with _____________ so that I can leave quickly.

I will keep copies of important documents or keys at _______________________.

I will open a savings account by ______________, to increase my independence.

Other things I can do to increase my independence include:

The domestic violence program's hot line number is ____________ and I can seek shelter by calling this hot line.

I can keep change for phone calls on me at all times. I under stand that if I use my telephone credit card, the following month the telephone bill will tell my batterer those numbers that I called after I left. To keep my telephone communications confidential, I must either use coins or I might get a friend to permit me to use their telephone credit card for a limited time when I first leave.

I will check with ____________________ and _____________ to see who would be able to let me stay with them or lend me some money.

I can leave extra clothes with _________________________.

I will sit down and review my safety plan every ______________ in order to plan the safest way to leave the residence. _____________ (domestic violence advocate or friend) has agreed to help me review this plan.

I will rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate, practice it with my children.

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Step 3: Safety in my own residence. There are many things that a victim can do to increase her/his safety in their own residence. It may be impossible to do everything at once, but safety measures can be added step by step.

Safety measures I can use include:

I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible.

I can replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors.

I can install security systems including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, an electronic system, etc.

I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape from second floor windows.

I can install smoke detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for each floor in my house/apartment.

I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to my house.

I will teach my children how to use the telephone to make a collect call to me and to _______________(friend/minister/ other) in the event that my partner takes the children.

I will tell people who take care of my children which people have permission to pick up my children and that my partner is not permitted to do so. The people I will inform about pick-up permission include:
__________________________________________(school),
________________________________________(day care staff),
________________________________________(babysitter),
___________________________________(Sunday school teacher),
________________________________________(teacher),
________________________________________(and),
________________________________________(others),

I can inform ______________________________(neighbors), _______________________________________(pastor), and, _______________________________________(friend) that my partner no longer resides with me and they should call the police if he is observed near my residence.

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Step 4: Safety with an Order of Protection. Many battered victims obey protection orders, but one can never be sure which violent partner will obey and which will violate protection orders. I recognize that I may need to ask the police and the court to enforce my protection order.

The following are some steps that I can take to help the enforcement of my protection order:

I will keep my protection order _________________(location) (Always keep it on or near your person).

I will give my protection order to police departments in the communities where I usually visit family or friends, and in the community where I live.

There should be a county registry of protection orders that all police departments can call to confirm a protection order. I can check to make sure that my order is in registry. The telephone number for the county registry of protection order is _________________________________.

For further safety, if I often visit other counties , I might file my protection order with the court in those counties. I will register my protection order in the following counties: ___________________ and _________________ that I have a protection order in effect.

I can call the local domestic violence program if I am not sure about B, C, or D above or if I have some problem with my protection order.

I will inform my employer, my minister, my closest friend and _____________ and ____________that I have a protection order in effect.

If my partner destroys my protection order, I can get another copy from _________________.

If my partner violates the protection order, I can call the police and report a violation, contact my attorney, call my advocate, and/or advise the court of the violation.

If the police do no help, I can contact my advocate or attorney and will file a complaint with the chief of the police department.

I can also file a private criminal compliant with the district justice in the jurisdiction where the violation occurred or with the district attorney. I can charge my battering partner with a violation of the Order of Protection and all the crimes that he/she commits in violating the order. I can call the domestic violence advocate to help me with this.

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Step 5: Safety on the job and in public. Each battered victim must decide if and when he/she will tell others that their partner has battered them and that he/she may be at continued risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help to protect victims. Each victim should consider carefully which people to invite to help secure his/her safety.

I might do any or all of the following:

I can inform my boss, the security supervisor and ___________ at work of my situation.

I can ask ________________ to help screen my telephone calls at work.

When leaving work, I can _____________________________________ __________________________________________.

When driving home if problems occur, I can _______________________________ __________________________________.

If I use public transit, I can ________________________________________ _______________________________________.

I will go to different grocery stores and shopping malls to conduct my business and shop at hours that are different than those when residing with my battered partner.

I can use a different bank and take care of my banking at hours different from those
I used when residing with my battered partner.

I can also __________________________________________.

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Step 6: Safety and drug or alcohol use. Most people in this culture use alcohol. Many use mood-altering drugs. Much of this use is legal and some is not. The legal outcomes of using illegal drugs can be very hard on a battered victim, may hurt his/her relationship with their children and put him/her at a disadvantage in other legal actions with the battering partner. Therefore, victims should carefully consider the potential cost of the use of illegal drugs. But beyond this, the use of any alcohol or other drug can reduce a victim's awareness and ability to act quickly to protect themselves from the battering partner. Furthermore, the use of alcohol or other drugs by the batterer may give him/her an excuse to use violence. Therefore, in the context of drug or alcohol use, a victim needs to make specific safety plans.

If drug or alcohol use has occurred in my relationship with the battering partner, I can enhance my safety by some or all of the following:

If I am going to use, I can do so in a safe place and with people who understand the risk of violence and are committed to my safety.
I can also ___________________________________________.

If my partner is using, I can _____________________________.

I might also _________________________________________.

To safeguard my children, I might ________________________ and ______________________________________________.

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Step 7: Safety and my emotional health. The experience of being battered and verbally degraded by partners is usually exhausting and emotionally draining. The process of building a new life for myself takes much courage and incredible energy.

To conserve my emotional energy and resources and to avoid hard emotional times, I can do some of the following:

If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can _____________________________________________.

When I have to communicate with my partner in person or by telephone, I can ____________________________________.

I can try to use "I can . . . " statements with myself and to be assertive with others.

I can tell myself - "_____________________________________ ______________________________" whenever I feel others are trying to control or abuse me.

I can read ____________________________to help me feel stronger.

I can call ___________________, ___________________ and _________________as other resources to be of support of me.

Other things I can do to help me feel stronger are __________________________, and _______________________________.

I can attend workshops and support groups at the domestic violence program or _________________________, or _____ _______________to gain support and strengthen my relationship with other people.

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Step 8: Items to take when leaving. When victims leave partners, it is important to take certain items with them. Beyond this, victims sometimes give an extra copy of papers and an extra set of clothing to a friend just in case they have to leave quickly.

Money : If I don't take any money from the accounts, he/she can legally take all money and/or close the account and I may not get my share until the court rules on it if ever.

These items might be placed in one location, so that if we have to leave in a hurry, I can grab them quickly.

When I leave, I should have:

Identification for myself

Children's birth certificate

My birth certificate

Social security cards

School and vaccination records

Money

Checkbook, ATM (Automatic Tellers Machine) card

Credit cards

Keys - house/car/office

Driver's license and registration

Medication

Welfare identification, work permits, Green card